Future Man 1x4

1. Previously on Future Man:

2. What happened, you spaz out playing Biotic Wars?

3. Smash your joystick again?

4. Santiago!

5. Thanks to you I've made all my research public.

6. Time to die, Dr. Death.

7. Wait, that's Carl, he's human!

8. I know these people, I work with them!

9. Of course you do, Biotics could be anybody.

10. That's what makes this so fucked up.

11. Shit, shit, shit, shit!

12. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

13. - Stop shitting! - Fuck, fuck!

14. Why didn't the game say they were human?

15. Because we didn't want to humanize them!

16. What's with their nutsack faces?

17. That's biomembrane, it helps them heal faster.

18. - Why'd you block our shot? - Oh my god,

19. those are people that I fucking work with.

20. Barely people, they're grown in labs!

21. Why the fuck did you block our shot?

22. Because killing Kronish won't help, all right?

23. His research is already out there,

24. the cure can come from anyone!

25. Yeah, because of you, you dick weevil.

26. - Are there more of these things? - Absolutely!

27. Hit it!

28. Sleeper agents, they knew he came back to 2017,

29. they sent them earlier to hide in plain sight.

30. - That's kind of cool I guess. - Let's just leave them here.

31. No, no, guys, you can't just leave them anywhere.

32. You can't leave anything from the future in the past,

33. especially not these genetically perfect mutant creatures

34. with nutsack membrane faces!

35. If these things got into the wrong hands who knows

36. what kind of future you guys would have left.

37. Come on, this is Time Travel 101.

38. Okay, then how do we get rid of them?

39. Oh, fuck.

40. I think I know how.

41. Why is this human body disposal unit so small?

42. Well, it's really only designed

43. for incinerating dead possums.

44. Dr. Kronish's big breakthrough came

45. from studying their DNA.

46. I guess there's something super special

47. about their ejaculate.

48. How do they die?

49. Well, sometimes the lab techs need

50. a lot of their ejaculate,

51. so they stimulate the possum

52. and make it cum more than natural,

53. and I guess they push it too far,

54. and the possum cums to death.

55. How often does that happen?

56. Often enough we had to get an incinerator.

57. Huh.

58. Well...

59. Let's get to it.

60. I can't watch this anymore.

61. Hey.

62. You better fucking watch this, okay?

63. Because you need to know how to take out these perfs.

64. Perfs?

65. We call these genetically perfect assholes.

66. Not so perfect anymore!

67. All right, what was this one's name?

68. I don't know, I never talked with her.

69. She's just so pretty.

70. Yeah, they're all fucking pretty on the outside.

71. I always called her Pretty Smile Girl.

72. All right, imagine this,

73. Pretty Smile Girl, she's coming at you

74. and all you have is your shredder blade.

75. You stab Pretty Smile Girl in the liver.

76. That's a fucking kill.

77. You stab Pretty Smile Girl in the heart, that's a kill.

78. But Pretty Smile Girl's head?

79. You're going to want to be real careful

80. of Pretty Smile Girl's head.

81. Can we please just leave Pretty Smile Girl's head alone?

82. No.

83. Every Biotic soldier has a bomb implanted in their head.

84. If a Biotic's about to be captured, they trigger this.

85. Brain bomb.

86. It blows their heads so they can't be interrogated.

87. It also sends a distress signal to the future

88. telling the Biotics to send reinforcements.

89. I really feel like you should've included that in the game.

90. That's why we spend a year of combat-training

91. just learning how to stab right there.

92. It won't kill them,

93. but it does disable the bomb.

94. Noted.

95. One more for the gobulator.

96. Are you sure that's safe?

97. Fuck you think a gobulator does?

98. All right, Wolf, fire up the TTD.

99. Let's go back to earlier today

100. before Future Man fucked everything up.

101. Take out Kronish.

102. No, no, you guys don't get it.

103. Kronish has been doing this research his entire life.

104. Okay, even if you went back and killed him,

105. somebody else could just pick up where he left off

106. and the cure would still be created.

107. I mean, the only way you could be sure is to—

108. I don't know, you'd have to do a full-on Terminator thing.

109. Go back and stop him before he was ever born.

110. Or we kill him when he's one of those little baby things.

111. No, absolutely not, you cannot kill a baby.

112. - They're invincible? - No, they are helpless

113. - and they're very soft. - Perfect, easy kill.

114. Yeah, give us a date.

115. - That fucker! - What?

116. The TTD got damaged in the fight.

117. Shit, that's not a lot of Cameronium.

118. Maybe enough for one more jump if we're lucky.

119. What the hell is Cameronium?

120. It's the fuel the TTD runs off of.

121. Talk about Time Travel 101.

122. All right, this is what we do.

123. We use our last jump, we go back, we kill baby Kronish.

124. That, that is the new mission.

125. No, no!

126. Killing a baby is absolutely wrong

127. and it makes us the monsters.

128. Agree to disagree, give us a date.

129. I don't know when he was born.

130. Wolf, choke it out of him.

131. - Gladly. - No, no, no, no.

132. No, no!

133. If you can't jump back to your time,

134. then you'll never know if your mission

135. was a success or not.

136. What if killing Kronish doesn't actually work?

137. - It'll work. - Are you sure?

138. Don't you want proof?

139. I mean, what do you even really know about time travel?

140. Do you know about multiverses?

141. Or alternate realities?

142. Or what about time loops?

143. Because if you're wrong about one of those things

144. then your mission will be a complete failure

145. and you'll be stuck in the past forever.

146. Fine, we'll find more Cameronium here,

147. and then we are going back

148. and we're killing little baby Kronish.

149. Where's the closest Cameronium outpost?

150. I just told you I don't even know what Cameronium is.

151. It's biofuel, it's been around forever.

152. - What's it made of? - I—plants, I don't know!

153. You tell us, you're the scientist.

154. You work in a laboratory.

155. That's your science wand.

156. What is your job here?

157. A fucking janitor?

158. Do you know who's a janitor where we come from?

159. - A robot? - Nobody!

160. Because in a battle of survival,

161. no one gives a dick about clean floors!

162. I knew he wasn't the savior, I knew it the minute

163. he jizzed all over my torso!

164. - I can still help! - No, no, no.

165. You can't, we don't need you.

166. You get in the way, you're weak,

167. you fucking inspired Kronish to share the cure!

168. And on a personal level, I'm not sure I like you.

169. You're off the team, Futterman.

170. Even your name's a disappointment.

171. Guys, don't do this!

172. Where are you going?

173. To finish the mission without you.

174. You're covered in brains!

175. Eat a dick!

176. Keep your eyes peeled from a Cameronium outpost.

177. - Call 911. - I want one of those.

178. Best cock I've ever eaten.

179. Hey, we're in luck.

180. Green plus of Cameronium, see?

181. We don't need that idiot.

182. - Where's the Cameronium? - I already told you,

183. the most powerful stuff we have is the Godfather OG Kush.

184. It doesn't get any stronger than that.

185. Cameronium is way stronger, it'll skull-fuck

186. your fucking OG Kush to another dimension.

187. Hey man, I'd love to try it sometime.

188. If you track it down, hit me up.

189. Go easy on those macaroons, dude.

190. - Those are 20 mgs of pot. - Huh?

191. Shit, last thing we need is more dead cops.

192. More?

193. Hey, what are you doing? Get off the street!

194. Okay, we can rule out the green truck

195. as a Cameronium source, but I just—

196. Owl said that no matter what time we were in,

197. we'd be able to find it.

198. What would Owl do if he were here?

199. Nothing.

200. Biotics put a merm in his head and ate his brain.

201. I watched him die.

202. Yeah, I know, Wolf, I was there.

203. Oh, oh, you're talking pre-merm Owl.

204. Fuck yes, I'm talking pre-merm Owl.

205. You know what's crazy?

206. We're time travelers.

207. What the fuck is wrong with you right now?

208. Why are you acting like you're drunk off piss wine?

209. Why are you acting so mean?

210. Are you like actually mad,

211. or are you just joking mad?

212. You need to focus!

213. We are in a time that we know nothing about.

214. Maybe sending a video game back in time to find

215. humanity's savior was, like, a bad plan.

216. Oh my god, you're not helping.

217. You're just fucking shoving street cock in your mouth

218. and looking at your hands for 45 minutes.

219. - That cock was so delicious. - You're going soft on me.

220. Do you realize it's just us now?

221. We're the only ones left.

222. I need you to stay hard.

223. - I am hard. - Rock hard?

224. So god damn fucking hard solid.

225. - Solid as a fucking rock? - Yeah!

226. Then prove it.

227. Eat that rat.

228. God, this is so disgusting.

229. Get the fuck out, no, you're not allowed.

230. Back up from whence you came.

231. This is the command center for the resistance.

232. - Please, listen. - No, there's no Futtermans

233. allowed, there's no janitors allowed,

234. there is no one shorter than us allowed down here.

235. Okay, I know that you're like super pissed

236. at me right now, but I have an idea

237. and I swear to you it's going to work.

238. We've got this shit figured out,

239. we're fine without you.

240. We've got a plan, we're rolling out a new plan.

241. We've got a lot of leads, Wolf has some leads.

242. - Wolf? - I don't have any leads.

243. Guys, please, let me back on the team.

244. Get cleaned up.

245. I know where to get more Cameronium.

246. I don't remember buying this, then I realized

247. - it was my dad's Fleshlight. - Oh, that makes sense, yeah.

248. And nothing's changed here, okay.

249. Well, look who's back again.

250. You break another joystick playing Biotic Wars or... ?

251. Uh, no, I stopped playing.

252. Those characters were so unrealistic.

253. Boing.

254. Hey, you're still dating that, like, chemist guy, right?

255. - The professor dude? - Lyle?

256. No, we broke up, I call him Professor Ex now.

257. That's funny.

258. Was it like a bad messy kind of breakup

259. or the kind where you could like casually

260. put me in contact with him?

261. No, I mean, I hate him, he used to wear

262. a button-down shirt every time we fucked, I hate him.

263. - Why do you ask? - Oh, no, nothing.

264. I just, I started taking these classes

265. at a community college, and my first assignment

266. actually was to interview a chemist and I thought—

267. Oh yeah, what community college are you at?

268. Uh, it's the California Community College.

269. Oh yeah, I've literally never heard of that

270. community college in my life.

271. It's good, yeah, it's good.

272. Hey, can I help you?

273. I can't imagine a situation where you could.

274. Oh, nice, the game's afoot.

275. I've got to say, this is a pretty dope cosplay.

276. What is this, Armor Craft Foam or Wonderflex?

277. It's titanium PX3900 exoshield.

278. Bulletproof, laser-proof, claw-proof.

279. Oh, you're funny, I like that.

280. Don't touch me, don't ever touch me.

281. Shopkeep, I have some questions

282. about this little boy's murder simulator.

283. I'm with a customer.

284. Anyway, you gonna hit up Dragon Con this year or what?

285. I swear to you, it's a real school!

286. Oh yeah, what's the mascot for your real school?

287. It's a real bird!

288. You're a terrible liar like Pinocchio,

289. and Pinocchio was wack.

290. Ow!

291. Why would you talk to someone

292. who doesn't want to talk to you?

293. Because I'm a guy, okay, just let me go!

294. Futterman, you know this chick?

295. No, no, I don't.

296. Fine, fine, next time he loses the arm.

297. Wait a second.

298. Did you hire like a super strong hooker to dress up

299. like the girl from Biotic Wars?

300. No, I actually didn't.

301. What a nasty freak he is.

302. She doesn't even look like her.

303. Okay, you know what, we're wasting time.

304. Whoa, no, stop, he's going to have

305. a conversation over here real quick.

306. What the fuck, man?

307. Okay, look, for the first time ever,

308. my life has meaning.

309. Okay, I have found a true purpose.

310. I can help a lot of people, but in order to do that

311. I believe it is vital for me to get in contact

312. with your ex for my quest.

313. What do you say?

314. - Oh, wow. - He's pretty stupid.

315. - Yeah. - He's pretty stupid.

316. It's really like— like you had me

317. and then you just totally lost me.

318. You know what, fuck it.

319. I'm just going to tell you guys the truth, okay?

320. I beat the Biotic Wars and it turns out that game

321. was actually a simulator sent back from the future

322. to find humanity's savior, which is me,

323. and now our time machine is all out of fuel

324. and we need to find more, which is why I hope

325. your ex can help us get more fuel.

326. So, that's it, all the fate of humanity

327. depends upon this moment right here and now.

328. Why didn't you just open with that, bro?

329. Yeah, come on, we're here to help.

330. - Get that address. - For real?

331. Here's Lyle, I hope he can help.

332. Great, thank you.

333. Yeah, good luck saving humanity.

334. Thank you very much.

335. - Get that time travel juice. - All right!

336. - Hey guys, let's go! - All right.

337. See you guys, come on, let's go.

338. - All right. - Freak.

339. He is totally going to kill somebody.

340. Hopefully Lyle.

341. See, I got us the address, guys.

342. Aren't you glad I'm back on the team?

343. Your cover story fell apart like a shit in your hands.

344. Well, like you could do any better, Wolf.

345. I could, I'm better than you at everything.

346. Man, what's with this negativity?

347. Like, that plan totally worked, we're like a dream team,

348. - guys, come on. - You're back on the team

349. on a provisional basis only, please remember that.

350. Yes, Tiger, you've made that abundantly clear to me.

351. Look, can you please put on Mom's coat?

352. - You look really ridiculous. - What?

353. Come on, Wolf's rocking my dad's shit too.

354. - Here. - Fine.

355. Only because you got us the address.

356. And a ride to the address.

357. - Futterman? - Right here.

358. All right, let's go, team.

359. Pilot, what is this music?

360. I think it's Corey Hart.

361. I like Corey Hart.

362. Wolf likes something, turn that shit up.

363. All right!

364. No, no, no.

365. You're off the mark, Corbin.

366. I need you to go back to the drawing board,

367. have a sandwich, just start over.

368. - Excuse me? - Professor Karofsky.

369. Hi, I am Josh Pastman from Kronish Labs.

370. Um—

371. - This is my assistant, he's— - Corey Wolfhart.

372. That's quite a grip, Mr. Wolfhart.

373. You can let go.

374. And this is my other assistant—

375. Tiger, I'm his mission commander.

376. I swear, it feels like it sometimes.

377. Tiger?

378. Yeah, that's her Burning Man name.

379. Huh, I'm never more myself than when I'm at the Burn.

380. Namaste, what can I help you with?

381. Well, basically over at the labs,

382. we've got this special piece of equipment

383. that utilizes a very unique biofuel

384. and unfortunately, the manufacturer

385. is kind of jamming us up right now,

386. and we were hoping you could take a look at it,

387. tell us what it's made of, and you know,

388. maybe where we can find some more of it.

389. Home Depot or Lowe's or some other...

390. Listen, kid.

391. I would love to help you solve your work problem

392. for no compensation, but...

393. - That's a biofuel? - That's correct.

394. What kind of machine did you say

395. you were running with this?

396. It's like a centrifuge.

397. - What kind of centrifuge? - Uh, it's a big one.

398. All right, what's it made of?

399. Looks like microorganisms living in salt water.

400. Okay, let me run this through the calorimeter.

401. Hachi machi.

402. My equipment here is a bit rudimentary.

403. So I'm going to take this in the back

404. and run some more advanced tests, wait here.

405. No, we are not letting that out of our sight.

406. Because it's very, very important to us.

407. It's the last bit of our fuel,

408. so we'd love to come with you.

409. Okay, it's a clean room back there

410. and I only have two hazmat suits.

411. So the tennis pro is going to have to wait here.

412. - Stay hard. - I am hard.

413. Yeah.

414. You know, the reason I got into biofuel

415. is because I knew that climate change

416. would bring about the annihilation

417. of the entire human species.

418. Climate change, he could not be more wrong.

419. You call yourself a Burner?

420. People like you are the reason that my department

421. gets no funding, the reason that my girlfriend

422. left me because my canola oil powered moped

423. isn't sexy enough for her.

424. Who cares if it's sexy?

425. You are the reason I've had to do

426. so many unsavory things, which I'm not proud of,

427. to keep my research going.

428. Tiger, Tiger. He's a bad guy.

429. But this, this is the energy solution

430. that I've been looking for my entire life.

431. This changes everything.

432. Now...

433. you are going to tell me

434. everything you know about this.

435. No more lies.

436. Great work, janitor.

437. That fucker!

438. Yeah, get it in! Oh!

439. It's like macaroons for my nose!

440. Oh, what's this stuff called again?

441. That's meth, baby, that's meth!

442. Meth, meth!

443. Oh, I could nose-eat 10 pounds of this stuff!

444. Whoa, whoa, whoa, take it easy, kid!

445. You're going to blow up your heart!

446. Oh, how do I get more, how do I get more?

447. Where's it come from, what is it?

448. Tell me everything you know!

449. Tell me everything you know.

450. - We found it. - Where?

451. I don't know, you're a smart guy, you tell us.

452. At first I thought, "Looks familiar."

453. Bioluminescent organisms have been around forever,

454. but then this shit broke my calorimeter.

455. Do you have any idea how many joules it takes to do that?

456. - A ton? - Try a fuck ton.

457. Something like this can only evolve under immense pressure.

458. I'm talking hadopelagic pressure.

459. I don't know what that means.

460. Of course you fucking don't, nimrod.

461. This is the bottom of the ocean,

462. and this is where this shit lives.

463. Now, how the fuck did you two yahoos

464. get your hands on it unless somehow you found

465. the keys to the most advanced submersible ever built,

466. which I doubt very highly, because you don't even

467. seem to know what a centrifuge is.

468. It spins.

469. Morris.

470. - The kombucha, please. - Kombucha?

471. Now if you thought store-bought kombucha

472. tasted like shit, wait until you get

473. your taste buds on my homebrew, Mr. Pastman.

474. You're gonna love it.

475. You're not, which is why I laugh.

476. It tastes like shit, I already said that.

477. Let's go!

478. And thus, in many ways, the drug trade

479. represents capitalism in its purest form.

480. Make sense?

481. Nothing has ever made more sense in my life.

482. - I got to go tell Tiger. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.

483. You're not going anywhere.

484. I'm not?

485. No more, please!

486. I can't take it, it's too—it's too tart!

487. Please, Tiger, what the fuck?

488. All right, okay, everybody stop horse-dicking around.

489. Where can we get more of this fuel?

490. Are you on fucking peyote, Tiger?

491. - There is no more of this fuel. - Fuck.

492. I mean, if there was any more of it

493. we wouldn't be here, would we?

494. So tell me where the fuck you got it.

495. Morris, 'buch him.

496. No, no, wait, wait, it came from a time machine!

497. It came from a time machine, okay?

498. Oh good, thank you.

499. Great, now we know it came from a time machine.

500. Fantastic, I've always wanted one.

501. Can you get another time machine?

502. Because if you can't, you'll be drowning

503. in lemon zinger momentarily.

504. Morris, the zinger.

505. Actually, we can get another time machine.

506. You've been a very helpful nerd.

507. This was a great idea.

508. Awesome.

509. Hard enough for you?

510. Oh, come on. You call yourself an adversary?

511. Let's do this!

512. No!

513. Get over—

514. Yeah!

515. Oh no, you don't!

516. So long, suckers!

517. Get off— Get—

518. Fucker's got some fight in him after all.

519. - Should I jump in? - No, no, no, no.

520. I think he's got this.

521. Yeah, rip his fucking throat out!

522. Or at least try to rip his fucking throat out.

523. Let go, let go!

524. Ow.

525. - Okay. - Ah!

526. - Yeah! - Yeah.

527. All right.

528. Where—

529. Ah, I got it!

530. Kicked his ass, woo!

531. Yeah, it was the um, the saddest, most boring fight

532. I've ever seen, but you did do it, Futterman.

533. You're back on the team.

534. I'm back on the team?

535. Oh my god, thank you, I will not let you down.

536. I will—I'll do whatever you need.

537. That is great news, because we might need

538. a human target for the next mission.

539. - You'd be perfect. - What?

540. You heard what the window-faced man said.

541. We need another time machine.

542. Biotics, Biotics have time machines.

543. Yes, and we already know that they're in the laboratory

544. that you clean, so we just have to catch one.

545. - Okay. - Great fucking plan!

546. Who's up for a charge down?

547. I'll take either, or both.

548. Hey, good news, old man.

549. Sketch just came back of the perps.

550. Let me see that.

551. What do you think, Skarsgaard?

552. Does that look like the chick that punched you?

553. You know what this sketch is missing?

554. The corpse of my partner, Jorge Santiago.

555. His widow behind him weeping,

556. belly swollen with child.

557. Wow, really took the fun out of that.

558. Come on, we've got Pastman, we combed this place.

559. Well, you better get a new comb.

560. Shit, is that a purple hair?

561. - Lucky break. - Hey, you spend 48 years

562. chasing every shadow and whisper,

563. then talk to me about luck, punk.

564. I'm going to run this through

565. every DNA database in the world.

566. Going to run every name

567. that dealer gave us.

568. Yeah, I'm coming for you.

569. You and me.

570. I'm coming for you.