Future Man 1x3

1. Previously on Future Man:

2. I hate to tell you this,

3. but you might have an unhealthy obsession

4. - with this video game. - No, I don't, Ray!

5. That's enough, Dr. Camillo.

6. I'm—I'm sorry, Dr. Kronish.

7. If you want to keep working for me,

8. I suggest less tongue-lashing

9. and more urethra-swabbing.

10. Now off you go, swab, swab.

11. And there's nothing weird about

12. living in your childhood home.

13. This is my childhood home and I live here.

14. This is a Futterman house.

15. We're not killing Kronish!

16. The mission is to stop him from getting herpes,

17. prevent him from becoming a scientist,

18. and then he never creates the cure.

19. I won a dance-off.

20. Black apple?

21. I'm the savior.

22. Fuck me.

23. Okay, we're clear.

24. Is everyone here?

25. Quick roll call.

26. Cheetah,

27. Mongoose,

28. Falcon, Skunk,

29. Eagle, Panther, Bear,

30. Fox, Dolphin, Beetle,

31. Ferret, Alligator,

32. Hedgehog, Wasp,

33. Dingo, Mouse,

34. Weasel, Monkey,

35. Gorilla, Lemur,

36. Moose, Coyote,

37. Worm, Mantis, Spider,

38. Cougar, Muskrat, Hyena,

39. Bison, Meerkat, Wildebeest,

40. Boar, Porcupine, Bat,

41. Hawk, Zebra, Gopher,

42. Rabbit, and Wolf.

43. Okay.

44. Through this tunnel lies the TTD

45. and a path to our savior.

46. This is it.

47. We're humanity's last hope.

48. Even you, Worm.

49. And guess what?

50. When we get to 2017,

51. it's time to share the sugar.

52. - Woo! - Yeah, yeah!

53. You're God damn right I brought it with me.

54. We're slicing this bad boy into 45ths.

55. All right, everybody.

56. Follow me.

57. Weapons hot.

58. Wolf, you ready?

59. Let's blow some shit up.

60. On my lead.

61. Resistance now!

62. Resistance forever!

63. Thermal wire.

64. Diametric chloride.

65. Run!

66. Come on! No, no, no.

67. That gas means death.

68. Eagle!

69. No!

70. Run!

71. I can't...

72. God damn it, this zipper's, like...

73. messed up.

74. Can I get a little help?

75. It's jammed.

76. See? It's jammed.

77. It's jammed.

78. God damn it! It always happens to me.

79. Why are we doing this, don't you live here?

80. Yes, I do live here,

81. but I don't know if my parents are downstairs or not

82. so I have to go check.

83. You guys just stay here,

84. try not to make any noise,

85. and then, don't touch anything.

86. Where the fuck is my phone?

87. Whoa.

88. - Guys. - Hi sweetie.

89. I-I thought you were doing uh... the-the beach cleanup today.

90. We are, just forgot my poker.

91. They like it when you bring your own equipment.

92. Check out my "poker face."

93. Come on, son, that kills down at the beach.

94. What—why is there a gun on the wall?

95. What do you mean, we've always had a gun.

96. This is a Futterman house.

97. Are you okay, honey?

98. We can cancel.

99. No, no, no, no!

100. No, I—I was just trying to remember

101. when did you get that classy wall mount?

102. That's the same one your grandpa put up.

103. I just gave it a little oil.

104. Grandpa was a gun guy?

105. Hard not to be after those hooligans broke in here

106. the night of the moon landing.

107. You know that story.

108. Three of them.

109. I'll never forget their faces.

110. - You won't? - Couple of little Latino fellas.

111. Vagrants.

112. Well, two of them were vagrants,

113. third one was a child, scared,

114. like he didn't want to be there.

115. Anyway, right after that, Grandpa went out

116. and got the old Ithaca 37.

117. Thank God we never had to use it.

118. I'm not even sure how it works.

119. Hope it's not loaded.

120. Hey, we better get going.

121. Um...

122. Lamar, how long is it gonna take

123. to get to Santa Monica Pier?

124. The traffic is moderate.

125. So I'm estimating 40 minutes.

126. - Okay, thanks, Lamar. - Lamar?

127. Honey, you don't have to thank it.

128. It's not an "it," it's Lamar Price.

129. Oh no.

130. Hey, Mom, can I see that for just a...

131. Thank you.

132. Blackapple?

133. It's a Blapple.

134. Only old people call it a Blackapple.

135. You told us that.

136. Fuck.

137. That's where I left my phone.

138. Honey, are you sure that you're okay?

139. Yeah, yeah, I am, I'm fine.

140. Um, you guys should probably get goin'.

141. Let's go, honey, those sandy condoms

142. aren't gonna pick themselves up.

143. Nope, they're not— all right, bye!

144. Bye!

145. Well, we changed stuff,

146. just not the stuff we want—

147. Jesus fucking Christ!

148. Hey, where are you goin'?

149. Do you guys want some privacy?

150. No, we're just chargin' up.

151. This is just something that people typically do

152. in private.

153. Why?

154. Because you do it with someone

155. who means something to you.

156. - Don't stop. - Okay,

157. I'm just gonna try and talk through this.

158. Um, so basically we didn't stop Kronish from getting herpes,

159. however, we did change things.

160. Talking major ripples.

161. Ripples?

162. Ripples, ripples.

163. What we did in 1969

164. has had an effect on the present day,

165. like my dad now owns a gun,

166. and is also a little bit racist

167. and it's probably my fault

168. that this is now called a blaptop.

169. Can you please stop, please?

170. I can't, I'm not fully charged yet.

171. Charged for what?

172. It's a standard operating procedure

173. to release tension.

174. Two micrometers down to the left.

175. Nice work, soldier.

176. Fully charged in three, two, one.

177. Yeah, fuck yeah, soldier!

178. That is how you perform!

179. Yes, fuck yes!

180. All right, tension released.

181. Ready to kill.

182. Kill, what?

183. Kronish.

184. It's our only option.

185. We tried it your way and we failed.

186. Miserably.

187. No, no, no, no, you can't murder Kronish,

188. he hasn't done anything wrong yet.

189. That's the whole point of Minority Report.

190. I'm unfamiliar with that report.

191. Do you need to be reminded of what's at stake here?

192. He's the father of these mutants.

193. How can you look at that and not feel outrage?

194. Also, why the fuck do you even have

195. this tiny Biotic?

196. This is one man versus the fate of humanity.

197. We're going to the lab and we kill Kronish.

198. Whoa, you—you need all of that to kill one man?

199. Well, obviously a lot of other people are gonna die

200. to get to that one man.

201. Casualties of war.

202. Better them than us.

203. You know this is the only way.

204. No, no, there has to be another way.

205. These are not Biotics.

206. These are people that I work with.

207. Can you get us close to him?

208. If you can isolate him,

209. then no one else has to get hurt.

210. Sorry, being the savior doesn't mean

211. you get to save everyone.

212. Can you get us in the building?

213. Not without creating a huge scene.

214. And there's three layers of security.

215. I've got a badge and I can only get through two.

216. Okay, then your job is simple.

217. You just need to lure Kronish out there

218. and then it's up to you whether you watch us kill him.

219. Oh, you should watch.

220. We're gonna turn him into a puddle of guts.

221. Now go in there and make the Resistance proud,

222. Future Man.

223. This is a bad plan, Tiger.

224. I got enough sensor mines to drop this building.

225. Look how weak those defenses are.

226. I mean, where's the moat?

227. You see any radioactive alligators?

228. - I don't. - No, we need a confirmed kill.

229. I didn't travel through time to keep picking through

230. piles of rubble for body parts.

231. Now let's get into position.

232. Future Man should be out in...

233. less than three fingers.

234. Let's go.

235. All right.

236. Morning, Josh.

237. Hey Carl, hey...

238. Hey, wait, where—where's Ray?

239. Who's Ray?

240. Fuck, I made Ray disappear.

241. God damn ripples.

242. Um, can I help you?

243. Yeah, is—is Kronish in there?

244. Well, he's not in Dr. Camillo's office, no.

245. They're still at their partners' breakfast.

246. Partners, how the fuck did I do that?

247. How did you do what?

248. Sorry, are you okay?

249. Yeah, it's just...

250. uh, have you ever had one of those days

251. where you wake up and the whole world is recognizable,

252. but also really different?

253. Mm, you mean like in Freaky Friday

254. or a Matrix-type situation?

255. No, more like the end of Back to the Future.

256. Oh, so it's like an alternate reality.

257. Your parents are super cool,

258. and all of a sudden you have this awesome new truck

259. - in your garage? - Sort of,

260. or, like, Steve Jobs doesn't exist.

261. Who?

262. Exactly.

263. Don't you think that movie, like, really undersold

264. how hard it would have been

265. for Marty to come back to a life

266. that he never lived?

267. Huh.

268. Guess I never thought about it like that.

269. I just really wanted that Barbie Hoverport.

270. Oh my God.

271. Really wanted it.

272. He would have to fake his way

273. through every conversation for the rest of his life.

274. Well, lucky for you this is actually

275. the first conversation that we've ever had,

276. so you don't have to fake your way through this.

277. Oh.

278. Uh, yeah.

279. Uh, I'm Josh, by the way.

280. I know.

281. - You do? - Mm-hm.

282. Please, Stu, I beg you, don't make me do this.

283. These—these focus groups can be humiliating.

284. Buck up, Elias, it's good for the company.

285. Unless you're not a company man.

286. I am, Stu, but you know I've never been a showman.

287. I—I hate being the center of attention.

288. You're not gonna be the center of attention.

289. That little mini lasagna on your lip is.

290. What are you looking at, butthead?

291. There's your Biff.

292. Uh, yeah.

293. Dr. Kronish,

294. can I ask you a question?

295. How in the hell did you get herpes?

296. Well, it started the night of the moon landing.

297. Being totally humiliated after losing a dance-off,

298. I was summarily run out of my fraternity.

299. I tried to regain my confidence

300. by embarking on a sexual odyssey

301. across several continents,

302. and, well...

303. countless partners.

304. I'm pretty sure that's how I got herpes.

305. Yeah.

306. Um, Dr. Kronish, I, uh,

307. I need to show you something outside.

308. What is it?

309. It's a surprise.

310. Ooh, I love surprises.

311. Great, you want to come with me?

312. Uh, look, let me ask you something.

313. Will it be chilly where you're taking me?

314. Pretty chilly.

315. Will we be gone long?

316. Yeah, a long time.

317. Stop, stop what you're doing.

318. I—I can't do this.

319. Take—take off your coat.

320. What's it gonna be?

321. Your life is in danger, okay?

322. So coat or no coat?

323. No, listen to me, Dr. Kronish.

324. There are people who want you dead.

325. You have to get out of here, you have to hide.

326. I can't protect you.

327. Oh, you're talking about

328. those animal rights people.

329. They've been after me for years.

330. I must be nearing 20,000 death threats.

331. Really?

332. Do you have any idea how many possums we kill

333. at this facility annually?

334. Staggering numbers.

335. No, Dr. Kronish, this is much worse.

336. These people are trained killers,

337. and they don't like you,

338. and they don't like your research,

339. and they'll do anything they can

340. to prevent it from getting out there.

341. You have to disappear.

342. I could never do that, Futterman.

343. My work is too important.

344. What good is your work...

345. if you're dead?

346. I appreciate your concern.

347. And if you're all that worried,

348. um, ah!

349. Call that number.

350. They handle all my death threats.

351. Ask for Carol.

352. It's been, like, six and a half fingers.

353. We both know the savior's not coming.

354. Let's just blow up the building.

355. No.

356. We're gonna have to do this ourselves.

357. Up close and personal.

358. Okay everybody! We're gonna go inside now for

359. the focus group. So please form a single file line right here.

360. Ratpot.

361. You.

362. What is the nature of this formation?

363. We're here for the focus group.

364. Didn't you get one of these?

365. Double ratpot.

366. Kronish!

367. Hey!

368. Fleetwood Mac.

369. Back of the line.

370. You want to bleed, jester?

371. - Hey, hey. - Back of the line.

372. Save it.

373. Low profile.

374. Oral, genital, even anal,

375. they call it herpes simplex,

376. but there's nothing simple about it.

377. Um, I'm Dr. Elias Kronish,

378. and I'm seeking the cure for you...

379. and for me.

380. Thoughts, feelings?

381. That's the third one of these in a row.

382. I can't take it anymore— we're in the building,

383. let's just go find the motherfucker

384. - and kill him. - No.

385. Watching it made me uncomfortable,

386. I think because he was uncomfortable.

387. Kronish will be here, Cindy promised.

388. I don't trust Cindy.

389. She's smiling, but she has sad eyes.

390. Oh yeah.

391. Anyone else have thoughts on Dr. Kronish?

392. I despise him and everything he stands for.

393. That's the third time you've said that, noted.

394. I'd like him better if he died.

395. Okay.

396. Anyone else want to see Dr. Kronish die?

397. Yes.

398. Ah...

399. Oh...

400. Well...

401. You said Kronish was gonna be here.

402. Where is he, Cindy?

403. Again, Dr. Kronish is very busy.

404. Why don't we take a look at our next ad?

405. Just want to say in advance,

406. no possums were hurt in the making of this.

407. The sound you just heard

408. is a possum ejaculating.

409. Let's just blow up the fucking building.

410. Take out Kronish and the rest of this trash.

411. Okay, I'm just gonna have you all fill out this form.

412. This is some fucking shit.

413. You know, we're in the building,

414. let's just go.

415. Brilliant idea, commander.

416. Wolf.

417. Oh, no, no, no.

418. No one leaves.

419. Really?

420. You're gonna stop us, Cindy?

421. You want to do that?

422. Where did they go?

423. Shit.

424. - What happened? - They promised they'd do

425. a better job screening who comes to these things.

426. Oh no.

427. Where'd they go?

428. Get it out!

429. Oh!

430. - Ooh! - Ooh!

431. - Jeri. - Josh.

432. What—where are you going?

433. Where are you going?

434. I'm looking for two people.

435. Yeah, so am I, Dr. Smith and Dr. Apoyngo.

436. Have they gone missing?

437. Missing, no, they're just late for a demo.

438. Okay, they're on three, right?

439. - Yeah. - Okay.

440. Oh, don't be dead, Apoyngo.

441. Don't be dead, Apoyngo, don't be dead, Apoyngo.

442. Don't be dead, Apoyngo.

443. Help! We're in here!

444. What happened?

445. Good to greet you.

446. Good to greet you.

447. Good to greet you.

448. Good to greet you.

449. Those whitecoats we stole from don't have access

450. to the inner sanctum.

451. We'll find another way in.

452. Dr. Wolf.

453. I'm telling you, Kronish is upstairs.

454. High value targets are always

455. in the subterranean bunkers.

456. I don't think it works that way here.

457. It's not your job to think,

458. it's your job to take orders from me.

459. This place isn't built for defense.

460. This is the first weapon I've seen,

461. and it's mounted on the wall for decoration.

462. - Tiger, my instincts— - Fuck your instincts.

463. Valdor's Palace, where was Valdor?

464. In the underground catacombs.

465. Temple of Gooliga, where was Gooliga?

466. In the Gooligorium.

467. And where is that?

468. By the earth's core.

469. Doesn't get more underground than that,

470. now does it, Wolfie?

471. Jesus.

472. Trust me.

473. This is the way to Kronish.

474. Oh, f...

475. Goddammit.

476. Wolf.

477. You've been underestimating me

478. since day fucking one.

479. I have ideas,

480. some of 'em are even good.

481. I planned a mission

482. and then it went sideways.

483. Then it went upside down.

484. I am flying blind,

485. sideways, and upside down,

486. so give me a fucking break.

487. But you're not doin' it alone.

488. When we busted through the Blood Gates,

489. who was by your side?

490. When they set us on fire

491. in the Death Fields of Alamore,

492. who found that sewage reservoir

493. for us to jump into?

494. When Cobra turned

495. and tried to poison you in your sleep...

496. who pulled that fuckin' traitor's head off?

497. Mongoose.

498. No.

499. Wolf.

500. I've given you my life

501. because I trust you,

502. and the least you can do is just listen to me

503. once in a while.

504. Okay.

505. What's our next move, soldier?

506. So we blast back in there,

507. find which office Kronish is in,

508. post up on that roof,

509. and take him out with a Sniper Sonic.

510. The sound waves will pass right through the glass

511. and just pop his fuckin' head off.

512. Nice and clean.

513. All right.

514. Three, two, one.

515. Oh, God, don't shoot!

516. - Fuckin' dick. - What the fuck, buddy.

517. What the fuck got into you people?

518. Where's Kronish?

519. You were supposed to be here ten fingers ago.

520. He doesn't have him— I knew it.

521. Fuckin' aborted the mission.

522. No, you don't know that.

523. Maybe he just couldn't find him.

524. No, yeah, Wolf's right,

525. I—I aborted.

526. - Goddammit, Future Man. - God fucking—

527. No!

528. I—I got there in front of him,

529. and I looked into his eyes, and...

530. I just couldn't do it, okay?

531. I'm not like you guys, I'm not a murderer.

532. We aren't murderers either.

533. We're soldiers.

534. You think we like killing people?

535. - You sure seem to. - Well, we don't.

536. We kill because we have to, not because we—we like it.

537. Well...

538. And it takes a toll, okay?

539. I scream in my sleep.

540. But our feelings don't matter 'cause we're on a mission,

541. so unless you can give me one strategic reason

542. not to kill this man,

543. we have no choice.

544. Okay, what if— what if I went in there

545. and talked to him, and I got you one?

546. A reason not to kill him?

547. You could do that?

548. Yeah, I—I think so.

549. Yeah, you could go in there to the basement

550. and find out what we need to know?

551. Basement— he's—he's in the top floor.

552. Yes!

553. - All right. - Okay.

554. - Okay. - I'm on it.

555. All right, we'll be waiting for you, Future Man.

556. Okay.

557. What the fuck was that?

558. I watch you sleep.

559. You've never screamed once.

560. I planted a tracker on him.

561. He'll lead us right to Kronish.

562. Dr. Kronish!

563. You need to abandon all of your research.

564. What are you talking about?

565. This is an historic day.

566. You inspired me to do something

567. I've been wanting to do for years.

568. What did you do?

569. You really got me thinking earlier.

570. I may not be in the assassin's crosshairs,

571. but I'm not a young man.

572. I could go any day.

573. Danger's all around me.

574. I don't understand.

575. The cure for herpes shouldn't be ours to profit from.

576. It should be the world's to heal by.

577. So, I've made all my research public,

578. shared it with a global network of colleagues.

579. You put the cure out to the world?

580. With the combined brainpower

581. of the global scientific community,

582. the cure for herpes won't be my creation,

583. it'll be all of ours.

584. So strategically speaking,

585. uh, if somebody wanted to stop the cure

586. from ever existing,

587. murdering you would have zero effect?

588. The cure for herpes would still get out there?

589. A morbid way to put it, but yes.

590. And thanks to you.

591. Oh, well, the cure could come from France, Nigeria,

592. Spain, China, literally from anywhere.

593. Oh, thank God.

594. That's amazing news.

595. You get to live!

596. Dr. Camillo won't be happy.

597. I've, uh, I've given away

598. quite a bit of proprietary material.

599. But it feels good.

600. For the first time in a long time,

601. I feel alive!

602. Future Man's trying to signal us.

603. Signal to him to get out of the way.

604. - What the fuck? - Out of the fucking way.

605. Fire a warning shot.

606. - What the fuck? - Oh, shit!

607. - We gotta—here! - That thing went...

608. We can hide behind it, okay?

609. What are you doing?

610. What the fuck is he doing?

611. Here, hide, go, go. Get behind this.

612. Get behind this one.

613. He protecting Kronish.

614. You're gonna have to kill him too.

615. I have to get you out of this building, okay?

616. What's going—

617. Oh, shit!

618. What are you—

619. What the hell?

620. Okay, you want to play games?

621. What are you doing? Futterman!

622. What the hell is wrong with you?

623. Switching to thermal.

624. What the hell? Where are you—

625. We have to get out of here right now. Okay?

626. I've got Kronish.

627. Take the shot.

628. Go, go, go!

629. Get your hands off of me!

630. Time to die, Dr. Death.

631. - What the shit are you into? - Go, go, go, go, go.

632. What—what was that shit about?

633. What the fuck were you thinking, Elias?

634. - Do you know what you've done? - Stu!

635. You have buried this company.

636. You have killed us all.

637. Now, Stu, Stu,

638. it was all about doing right by humanity.

639. - Fuck humanity. - Okay, you know what?

640. You guys just hash this out,

641. stay away from windows, okay?

642. All right, bye.

643. What the fuck?

644. Are those Biotics?

645. Hey.

646. Back stab!

647. Reach around.

648. Clear!

649. Clear.

650. What—what—what are they doing here?

651. It was only a matter of time before they found us.

652. Oh my God.

653. Oh my God, they— these are real life Biotics.

654. They were Biotics.

655. Oh...

656. They're even more grosser in real life.

657. Oh yeah.

658. That's right, you've never seen one.

659. - No. - Up close and personal.

660. - Yeah, well. - Ugh.

661. Take a look at this monster.

662. Wait, that's Carl.

663. He's a security guard here.

664. Yeah, well, Carl's a fuckin' Biotic.

665. But he's worked here for years.

666. He's my Secret Santa.

667. He gave me an iPod Shuffle.

668. - He's human. - Yeah.

669. Biotics are human.

670. See?

671. But that—that's what's-her-name

672. from Accounting.

673. I know these people,

674. I—I work with them.

675. Of course you do.

676. Biotics can be anybody.

677. That's what makes this so fucked up.