Future Man 1x13

1. Previously on Future Man...

2. That's the Kronitorium,

3. where the super cure was engineered.

4. Your boss sounds like a real interesting fellow.

5. Kronish, nobody's seen him in years,

6. but he's giving some sort of big announcement.

7. My name is Joosh.

8. You got a court order declaring us mentally incompetent

9. and putting us in this place.

10. We need to kill Kronish, destroy his research,

11. and blow up the Kronitorium

12. but this mission calls for a much bigger kill team.

13. If there's two of me, that means there's two of you.

14. Guys, you can have the entire team back.

15. Resistance forever!

16. Mongoose, Butterfly,

17. Owl before he got that brain worm thing.

18. All I have to do is beat the game again.

19. We need to back up, there are about to be

20. 45 bloodthirsty warriors up in this piece.

21. Bomb, bomb, bomb, get it off me!

22. - Get it off me! - Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!

23. - Don't move! - ... just chop my arm off!

24. Stop moving, if you breathe wrong,

25. this blows.

26. Fuck me.

27. Clear.

28. Fuckin' skull cunts tagged me just as I jumped.

29. Dingo, what happened?

30. Where's the rest of the team?

31. Dead!

32. Just like you, I just watched you die.

33. Guys, is anybody else noticing the hooded slave?

34. That's no slave.

35. - Wolf. - Owl!

36. Much obliged.

37. Thank you.

38. - Tiger. - Owl!

39. My good friend.

40. How are you alive?

41. Dingo plucked me from a Biotic necro chamber.

42. I've been tortured, in and out of consciousness

43. for about three weeks.

44. So, that means you must be...

45. AvoidTheTunnel.

46. Welcome to our time.

47. The greatest warrior in history?

48. This wee boy?

49. I'm going to 69 with him?

50. Yeah, I have to explain this again,

51. that makes sense.

52. So when I told Kronish his future to get him on the boat,

53. it put a fork into the space-time continuum.

54. This is a fork, by the way.

55. So, in your timeline, you didn't take the bridge

56. to steal the TTD?

57. No.

58. No, we took the tunnel but it was a trap.

59. DMC gas.

60. They picked us off one by one until we dropped to our knees

61. just choking on death.

62. Biotics have a mutated p36 immunosuppressant gene

63. that renders them immune to all poisons.

64. I know, Owl.

65. I actually used that same principle

66. to get all my coworkers to shit themselves

67. in their formal wear.

68. So the bridge was also a trap?

69. I mean, we were always doomed.

70. This whole time I thought I'd made the wrong call

71. but there was no right call to make.

72. Well, I...

73. I'm relieved.

74. That is a load off.

75. I mean, just fell right off me.

76. So we kill Kronish, blow up the building

77. with all his research inside,

78. we escape, no innocents die, future saved.

79. - Yeah. - I'm confused,

80. and maybe it's because I haven't slept for 4,000 fingers,

81. but why are we planning an infiltration op

82. when there are only five of us

83. and we have enough nukes to level this city?

84. No, no, no nukes.

85. We're doing this lean and clean,

86. from a moral standpoint.

87. Since when are you anti blowing shit up?

88. Truth be told, I'm transitioning out of demolitions.

89. I'm really more of a chef these days.

90. What the fuck's a chef?

91. You see what I had to deal with?

92. Quick question.

93. Since we are in possession of a TTD,

94. why not go back to when Kronish was a newborn?

95. Babies are supposedly soft and helpless,

96. quite killable, almost unfairly so.

97. Perfect, easy skull smash.

98. No.

99. No, no baby killing.

100. I don't know who these two face pirates are,

101. but you're not the Tiger who took an anal rod to the gut,

102. and you're not the Wolf who took a nosedive

103. into a firebog.

104. We went through this, Dingo.

105. The small alteration in the space-time continuum

106. brought them to a new spectral plane.

107. It's not that complicated.

108. No, not that, they've changed.

109. Hey, you watch your rat hole.

110. I have half a mind to come over there

111. and wash it out with soap, young lady.

112. Well, joke's on you, I don't know what soap is.

113. Owl, why did you eat my olive tapenade

114. with your bare hands?

115. The serving spoon was right in the dish!

116. Hey, man, I just learned what a fork is.

117. Okay, all right, all right, look.

118. I see what's going on here, okay?

119. Some of us are from Timeline A,

120. others from Timeline B,

121. but we're all here for the same reason.

122. We can't have these factions tearing us apart.

123. What we need right now, more than anything,

124. is to come together.

125. Am I supposed to tag in or something?

126. - Charging up. - Complete charged.

127. Charge that battery.

128. - Yeah, yeah. - I...

129. Stop avoiding the tunnel.

130. - Get down here. - Ow!

131. Okay, tension released.

132. - Wolf? - Check.

133. - Dingo? - Check.

134. - Owl? - What are you doing

135. - after this mission? - Gonna call that a check.

136. Future Man?

137. I'm fucking you with your own dick.

138. Okay, to business.

139. There's going to be a lot of security

140. and we're not getting anywhere without hand scan access.

141. There's biometric hand scanners

142. throughout the building.

143. Lucky for us, I got us a set of prints.

144. Okay, Alpha Team will clear civilians from the building,

145. drawing out Biotic forces.

146. Only problem is, it's a suicide mission.

147. One of us is gonna have to be sacrificed.

148. Looks like Destiny has found her destiny.

149. This is not a drill.

150. All personnel must evacuate immediately.

151. Meanwhile, Bravo and Charlie,

152. they're gonna enter from underground.

153. Bravo is gonna set charges

154. throughout the building...

155. while Charlie goes deep into the core,

156. using his genius to kill the power.

157. Opening the impenetrable security doors,

158. giving us access to Kronish himself.

159. It's been an orange, soldiers.

160. Wait, orange?

161. Honor, it's been an honor.

162. I love you.

163. Is he all right?

164. He's a genius, it's how they are.

165. Once we get the signal from Charlie

166. that the doors are open,

167. Alpha Team will blow Destiny,

168. killing all the Biotics in the lobby.

169. That will give us a window of a few minutes

170. before reinforcements jump in.

171. We use it to rendezvous at Kronish's lab,

172. kill Kronish, set the final charges,

173. and jump back to the future.

174. Um, where do I go at that point?

175. You're coming with us, aren't you?

176. To the future, no.

177. I can't—I mean, I have my whole life here.

178. - What life? - Oh, burn!

179. No, I mean, I gotta go and make things right

180. with my parents and...

181. That's all I can think of right now, but stuff!

182. Then you sneak out as a civilian.

183. Or maybe as a janitor.

184. Yeah, I guess that makes the most sense.

185. World's greatest warrior posing as a lowly janitor.

186. Where does your brilliance end, AvoidTheTunnel?

187. I wouldn't drink that,

188. it's like 10,000 volts to your brain.

189. Right, right.

190. All right, all the "innocent" people

191. who we "can't let die" are out.

192. Can we blow this shit up now?

193. All right, Alpha's ready to blow—

194. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

195. No, we are not clear, we are—

196. What the fuck?

197. One fucking youngling?

198. The fate of humanity's in the balance here,

199. what are you doing?

200. No.

201. I gotta get her outta there.

202. The fuck you do.

203. What do you think your future's gonna be like?

204. I don't know.

205. It'd be just as strange for me as it would be for you.

206. Nothing to do but adapt.

207. Yeah, it's easy for you to say,

208. everywhere you go everyone loves you.

209. That they do.

210. But hey, don't sell yourself short.

211. Yeah.

212. Way to find the weak axis of the I-beam.

213. See, adapting already.

214. Go.

215. What the fuck is wrong with you, Tiger?

216. You talk funny, you care about younglings,

217. and you don't smell like dirt anymore.

218. This time has turned you into a monster.

219. And why do you keep touching that strangle chain?

220. No, no, no!

221. Dingo, do not take my baby!

222. "You'll always be a member of the family"?

223. "Love, Estelle and Elias Kronish"?

224. Yeah, you know, when you read it out loud,

225. it doesn't sound great.

226. You got my payment there, Whiskers?

227. There's supposed to be four.

228. What do you want, they're cracking down!

229. Got my intel?

230. Stuart Gavin Camillo.

231. What have you gotten yourself mixed up with?

232. Who are you talking to?

233. Oh wait, let me guess,

234. one of your disappearing time travel buddies.

235. What a fucking lunatic.

236. Well, well, well.

237. The pupil has become the master.

238. Who would have thought I had a knack for explosives?

239. Not me, I never believed in you.

240. I thought you were weak and had bad plans.

241. Yeah, I've heard that before.

242. But you've been more dedicated to this mission

243. than anyone else.

244. I want you to know,

245. if you did come to the future with us,

246. I'd take care of you

247. like you took care of us.

248. - Wow, Wolf. - I know.

249. All right.

250. You know, all I can think about since I murdered myself

251. is that I don't belong in this time

252. any more than you guys do.

253. I feel like a man out of time.

254. - It's a weird feeling, right? - Yeah.

255. It's probably why I did all that coke.

256. I'm just kidding, I did that because it was awesome.

257. You know what?

258. I'm gonna do it.

259. I'm gonna go with you guys back to the future.

260. My days of being a janitor...

261. they're over.

262. All right.

263. Bravo's at the Kronish door.

264. Charlie, what's your ETA?

265. Physics, inertia, why have you forsaken me?

266. Owl?

267. Come in, Owl.

268. Owl, are you there?

269. "Yes, how may I help you?"

270. "Yes, I believe I'm supposed to have an orgasm."

271. "Oh yes, right this way.

272. Will this orgasm do?"

273. "Yes, it will!"

274. Is... Owl coming?

275. - No, he's been myrmed. - Again?

276. God damn necro chamber.

277. Every freaking timeline.

278. A myrm eats its way through your brain lobe by lobe.

279. If he's having an orgasm this intense,

280. it can only be because the myrm is chewing on his amygdala.

281. That's the brain's clit.

282. Oh, yeah.

283. So you went back to the '40s to slit his throat as a baby,

284. that part makes sense.

285. - Then what? - Well, then...

286. one thing led to another and you know how it goes.

287. I kinda ended up raising him.

288. Was that before or after you sent him on the floaty box

289. with his secret charging mate?

290. It's called a boat and it was after.

291. Or before, depending on how you view time.

292. How many chances have you had

293. to kill Kronish and not done it?

294. - Oh yeah. - The answer should be zero,

295. you goddamn traitor.

296. I'm not following your plans anymore.

297. I'm in charge now.

298. Sweetie, you gotta get outta here.

299. The grown-ups are playing.

300. Go!

301. Give me the detonator.

302. Owl, open the goddamn doors, I had to blow Destiny early.

303. Dingo turned on me.

304. We're screwed.

305. Open those doors.

306. It's not a sandwich, it's a glove.

307. Hey, free sandwich.

308. God damnit!

309. Fifteen brain bombs just blew downstairs.

310. Biotic reinforcements are gonna be here any second.

311. Shit.

312. Oh, these doors must be Israeli steel.

313. We ain't blowing through this.

314. Wait, you said that Kronish doesn't let anybody

315. into his lab, right?

316. Yeah.

317. But you know what he does let in?

318. Possums.

319. They gotta go somewhere.

320. Guys, the incinerator chute.

321. - That's our way in. - No, as soon as they arrive,

322. they'll make straight for Kronish, we'll be overrun.

323. Yeah, but not if you hold them off.

324. Look, all you gotta do is give me enough time

325. to climb up the chute,

326. set the final charge, and kill Kronish myself.

327. I appreciate your offer, I really do,

328. but you've got, like, what, one kill notch on your belt?

329. And let's be honest, evil you did most of the work.

330. No.

331. No, if someone's gonna kill Kronish,

332. - it should be me. - With that door sealed,

333. your only exit is down into the fire.

334. Yeah?

335. It's a suicide mission.

336. It's a one-way ticket.

337. No coming back, no do-over, no tomorrow.

338. - You're gonna die. - Yeah, okay, look,

339. I had it at "suicide."

340. Look, when you guys invited me to come to your future,

341. that meant everything to me.

342. All right, but that's your world,

343. that's not mine.

344. And this world isn't mine either,

345. it's Joosh's.

346. Destiny isn't something that just arrives

347. on your doorstep in a wooden box from Japan.

348. It's something that you seize in a moment,

349. a moment where you realize

350. you have to murder/suicide

351. your former boss and mentor.

352. This is why you came back for me.

353. I can do this.

354. Okay.

355. Okay, look, just wait for my signal.

356. When that thing goes green,

357. that means Kronish is dead

358. and the final charge has been set.

359. Then you guys get the fuck back to the future

360. and do not come back for me no matter what.

361. All right, if this works, you cannot risk undoing it.

362. That's time travel 102.

363. We'll never forget what you did here.

364. You're not Future Man.

365. You're something much better.

366. You're Josh "Foo-terman."

367. It's Futterman but I get—

368. - Okay. - Okay.

369. I know we'll never get a chance to switch dicks back,

370. but I'm cool with that.

371. It was never about the dick.

372. It's about the warrior's mane,

373. and you earned every last hair.

374. That's a goodbye.

375. Okay.

376. Hey, Manuel, don't you know the building's being evacuated?

377. What the fuck you doing?

378. Clear the building.

379. Lo siento, mi amigos.

380. Mi trabajo es muy importante.

381. Puck shot!

382. Gut knife!

383. Gut knife, gut knife, fucking gut knife!

384. Fuck you!

385. Science wand!

386. One more for the gobulator.

387. Okay, let's not kid ourselves.

388. Yeah, you're right.

389. Oh, fuck.

390. So much for stealth mode.

391. We gotta draw them away from the door.

392. I thought this would be easier.

393. Why didn't I just play Madden?

394. Fuck.

395. Go!

396. I'm hit!

397. No!

398. Fuck.

399. Mr. Futterman.

400. I've been expecting you.

401. Oh my God, you're evil now.

402. God damnit.

403. Why couldn't you have just been happy

404. eating your conch fritters?

405. But I was, Josh.

406. I was!

407. As happy as a conch.

408. Which is like a clam only much more delicious.

409. Leslie and I were living our dream

410. far, far away from here

411. until one windless, fateful day

412. just north of the Isle of Lamu.

413. My dearest Leslie brushed against a rusty nail

414. and contracted a staph infection.

415. Simple, treatable,

416. but we were a five-day sail away from the nearest hospital.

417. - In Somalia. - Oh God.

418. By the time we reached dry land,

419. the love of my life expired right in front of me

420. and there was nothing I could do about it.

421. Please, you have to make this easier for me.

422. But there was something I could do about it.

423. You told me!

424. The power to eradicate pain and disease forever

425. lay within me.

426. I could make it so that no one ever had to watch

427. a loved one be taken away from them ever again.

428. How could I not pursue such a noble path?

429. Oh, what's the point?

430. Just let me.

431. You know, I don't remember Dingo being such an asshole.

432. Yeah, she was right though.

433. We have changed.

434. And for the better.

435. I like who we've become.

436. Which is why it sucks we're about to die.

437. Wait, maybe we don't have to.

438. Maybe it's time for...

439. Beaver's razor.

440. I'm sorry about Leslie,

441. I know that you loved him so much.

442. And you guys used to really get after it sometimes.

443. But the truth is, every time and every timeline,

444. your work leads to the creation of the Biotics

445. who destroy all of mankind.

446. No, I kept the research, all my research right here

447. under this roof, shared it with no one!

448. I will never do that.

449. I am dedicated to good, to ending pain.

450. I know that you are, but this is already happening.

451. I've tried really, really, really hard

452. not to kill you.

453. Okay, it's been my number one goal.

454. I've tried to change you, I've tried to control events,

455. but it doesn't work.

456. This is where we end up.

457. Oh, you're wrong, Josh.

458. - I've been careful. - It doesn't matter

459. how careful you've been, okay?

460. Look!

461. Don't pretend you don't see what's happening down there.

462. This is the army that your cure created.

463. I wanted to heal the world.

464. Build a legacy like my fraternity brother,

465. Blapple founder Lamar Price.

466. I know you did.

467. And in another life, you were another kind of great man

468. where you were strong and caring

469. and warm and supportive.

470. And that's what makes this so much harder.

471. It's now or never, Wolfie.

472. Okay!

473. Brain bombs or not.

474. Say hello to your little friends.

475. You're not a killer, are you, son?

476. Today I am.

477. And you have to die.

478. Tomorrow, to demonstrate my breakthrough to the world,

479. I was going to inject myself

480. with a needle filled with microdoses

481. of 100 of the world's deadliest diseases,

482. and then, dramatically,

483. save myself with my cure.

484. Oh, it would have been fantastic theater.

485. Tonight's performance will have a different ending.

486. Woo.

487. That stings.

488. We broke the Beaver's dam.

489. Biotic flood comes next.

490. Tell me...

491. about the man you used to know.

492. The dancer.

493. DMC.

494. Oh shit.

495. I really thought that was gonna work.

496. And every year,

497. you would do this goofy toast

498. and hold up these delicious chocolate balls

499. that you named after yourself.

500. So...

501. whimsical.

502. Help.

503. I don't expect anyone to understand what I've done.

504. Please believe me when I tell you,

505. I'm not the person they're saying I am

506. or even the person that you think that I am.

507. I'm someone else entirely.

508. I know that sounds confusing

509. and I wish that I could explain it.

510. But what I know to be true

511. is a burden I have to carry alone.

512. Maybe not for that long

513. or maybe for the rest of my life.

514. All I can do, in my own way,

515. is try to make things right.

516. I think that's a lot of money.

517. Cupcake, we're going home.

518. Sometimes I feel like I've spent my whole life

519. pretending to be a hero,

520. so when the time came to be one in real life,

521. I went for it.

522. I really did.

523. Which is why I have to go.

524. - I love you. - Joosh!

525. Owl, Owl, are you there?

526. Thirst hyped, brain plunged!

527. - Skippy-di-bop! - Owl, do you copy?

528. - Skippy-di-bop. - Owl, listen to me, okay?

529. You need to cut the power right now

530. to the possum incinerator chute.

531. Shut down the power to the possum chute right now!

532. Right now, you have to do it or I'm gonna burn alive.

533. Do you understand me, do you copy?

534. - Skippy-di-bop. - Good enough.

535. Oh, fuck.

536. I don't wanna die!

537. I'm not dead!

538. Thanks, Owl.

539. I did it!

540. You did it, huh?

541. Well, you mind if I quote you on that?

542. Check and mate.

543. Uh, I don't think that piece moves like that.

544. Oh, right, that's the horsey.

545. No, that's the pawn.

546. Speaking of pawns,

547. I take it no word from your time traveling pals?

548. Oh, hey, look, I blew up that building completely on my own.

549. You sat through the whole trial.

550. Some friends.

551. Leave you locked up while they're free to robo-surf

552. and hunt sport gators in a beautiful unknown future.

553. No, this is what I signed up for.

554. And I'm free.

555. In here and in here.

556. Hm.

557. Well, I better get going.

558. The widow Santiago's coming over for dinner.

559. Pretty soon her belly's gonna be swollen with meatloaf.

560. Vince, are you...

561. are you sweet on her?

562. Time heals all wounds, Futterman.

563. Oh, by the way,

564. I clipped this article for you.

565. Looks like your folks are putting good use

566. to your Euros.

567. Well.

568. It ever bother you that everyone thinks you're batshit crazy?

569. I know the truth.

570. That's all that matters.

571. Reminds me of someone I used to know.

572. Vincent Skarsgaard.

573. Next week, Future Man.

574. On the door, coming out.