1. Previously on Future Man...
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2. - Do I know you?
- I'm J—uh, Joosh.
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3. - Where's Wolf?
- He's gone.
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4. Fire in the hole!
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5. What the fuck did
you say to Kronish?
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6. I'm from the future!
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7. That's the Kronitorium,
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8. where the supercure
was engineered,
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9. where the Biotics were born.
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10. There's only
one way to fix this
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11. and I'm doing it by myself.
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12. Let's get you home, soldier.
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13. Coming back for you,
thinking you were our savior?
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14. That was the biggest mistake
I've made in my life.
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15. Don't give up on me!
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16. Okay...
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17. Shit.
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18. Sir, can I help you?
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19. Holy shit!
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20. Carl!
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21. Do I know you?
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22. No, I'm—I'm Josh Futterman,
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23. I—I work here.
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24. Should be in the system,
I just forgot my ID.
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25. Ow, okay!
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26. All right!
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27. Come back and we'll
have you arrested.
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28. Okay, go over there,
go over there, please go.
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29. Go away, go away,
no, no, no!
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30. Stu!
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31. Did I take your bench?
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32. I'm sorry.
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33. No, Stu, it's me, what...
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34. what are you doing?
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35. The fuck is going on
with this timeline?
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36. What the...
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37. Oh, uh, hey hey, JFUTZ!
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38. You're home earls, bro.
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39. How was Macau,
you rock that shit?
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40. Trend alert!
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41. I'll have to say goodbye
to that leather and mesh, huh?
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42. Hello, retro!
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43. You pull it off great.
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44. How was the tourney?
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45. The crowd looked sick,
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46. like, bigger than BlizzCon,
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47. like, sick, dude.
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48. Yeah, yeah, it was bigger
than BlizzCon for sure.
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49. It was crazy, there
were so many people.
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50. I'm suffering from
jet lag at the moment,
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51. I feel like.
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52. Jet lag—dude, you fly private.
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53. Don't they, like,
engineer out the jet lag?
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54. - Private?
- Yeah.
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55. Yeah, I think they're—
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56. it's a new technology
they're working on,
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57. figuring out—hey, uh,
where are my parents?
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58. At the dope-ass
condo you put them in,
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59. where else would they be?
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60. World's Greatest Son alert!
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61. Can you excuse me just a minute?
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62. Where the fuck am I?
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63. Oh...
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64. My name is Joosh.
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65. Ladies and gentlemen, JFUTZ!
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66. Where the fuck am I?
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67. Whoa.
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68. Uncle Barry?
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69. He took my advice!
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70. And took my name.
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71. No way!
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72. Drink JOOSH, biatch!
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73. Hype your thirst,
punch your brain!
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74. I think that's
a lot of money.
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75. Holy shit, I'm in Ibiza!
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76. Fuck yeah, Joosh.
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77. Oh my...
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78. I have a Bentley.
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79. Engaging rainforest mode.
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80. Whoa.
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81. Rainforest mode?
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82. My life rules!
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83. Oh, hey, don't worry about that.
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84. You don't have to do that,
I got somebody to clean
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85. that shit up for me, don't I?
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86. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
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87. Well, uh, we alerted
the crew, as per ushe,
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88. but if you're, like,
super jet lagged,
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89. we could tell them to fuck off.
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90. What?
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91. No, don't tell them that,
I'd love to see the crew,
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92. it'd be great.
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93. - Okay.
- Oh, and your bae is getting
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94. back from Japan today.
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95. No way!
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96. Bae's coming back so soon?
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97. Just got an alert this morning
that Destiny is en route, bam!
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98. She's coming.
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99. That's amazing.
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100. I hope she's not
too tired, though.
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101. We got a lot of
catching up to do.
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102. Mark my words.
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103. In six years,
Governor Amal Clooney.
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104. - Oh, politics!
- No doubt.
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105. Where the hell
have you guys been?
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106. - The '40s.
- '90s.
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107. There's gotta be some
coke in here somewhere.
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108. So you're telling me
that all that happened,
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109. years of your lives,
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110. happened in the time
that it took me
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111. to get from the
Kronitorium to this house?
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112. Yeah.
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113. I've been here
for like 20 minutes.
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114. Time travel's a real mindfuck.
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115. Is that different wallpaper?
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116. You got any coke?
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117. - No!
- You think those space pirates
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118. downstairs have a hookup?
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119. First of all,
those are my friends,
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120. not space pirates,
and second of all,
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121. you need to clean up, Wolf.
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122. Okay, look.
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123. I appreciate the concern,
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124. but I think if I just
had a little cocaine,
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125. I'd be able to think straight.
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126. And then I'll quit, I swear.
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127. Crack is fine too, in a pinch.
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128. God, Wolf,
the '90s hit you hard.
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129. Okay, enough of
this jibber-jabber.
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130. All right, we gotta skedaddle.
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131. If the Kronitorium exists,
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132. then we don't know how far
along Kronish is with the cure.
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133. It might already be out there.
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134. Okay, but we don't
even have a TTD.
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135. - What are we doing to do?
- Well, we gotta get the skinny
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136. on what we're up against
in that building.
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137. Well, I can't even
go into the building
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138. and I don't think
that you should either.
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139. Catch that berry,
catch that berry, whoa!
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140. How about this, okay?
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141. How about I stay here,
help Wolf get clean,
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142. - and you can handle the recon.
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143. I puked in your Jordans.
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144. Well, it's not
going to be pretty.
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145. I mean, this little angel
has got the devil up in him.
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146. Oh, I can handle Wolf.
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147. And I know just
where to send you.
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148. Oh, lordy!
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149. Oh!
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150. Jeepers creepers!
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151. Those bags, so rascally,
I never trust them.
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152. Yeah, they break on me a lot.
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153. Oh, come on, it just expired!
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154. Give me a fucking break.
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155. What, couldn't cut it
as a regular cop,
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156. you piece-of-shit nobody.
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157. We're going to have
to do something about
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158. this dinner mess, aren't we?
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159. Freeze!
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160. Impossible.
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161. Well, this newfangled microwave
is just a miracle worker.
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162. I don't how to thank you
for this, Ty-Anne.
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163. I haven't had
a home-cooked meal since...
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164. well, since I lived
at home with my mom,
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165. and that was six months ago.
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166. Oh, you hush now, Stu-bear.
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167. And tell me about
this job of yours.
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168. Your boss sounds like
a real interesting fellow.
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169. - Kronish?
- Mm-hm.
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170. He's nuts.
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171. Come now, the only
thing he's nuts about
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172. is firetrucks and lollies.
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173. Yeah, well, the only
thing he cares about now
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174. is protecting his research.
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175. But we don't know
what he's doing,
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176. I mean, nobody's
seen him in years.
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177. Good heavens.
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178. - Thanks.
- Mm-hm.
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179. He's just holed up on the
top floor of our building.
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180. He lives up there, just
working day and night.
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181. He must be so lonely.
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182. Yeah, well, if you're
into lonely guys...
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183. Uh-huh.
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184. Anyway, he's crazy secretive.
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185. No computers,
no internet connections.
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186. We don't even know
what we're working on.
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187. All we know is that
live possums go up
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188. and dead possums come down.
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189. So many possums.
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190. Well, geez.
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191. What do you think
he's working on?
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192. I don't know.
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193. But apparently,
we're going to find out
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194. in two days, because
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195. he called the media
and he's going to give
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196. some kind of big announcement.
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197. So it's not too late.
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198. Too late for what?
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199. Well, for my famous
Hoppin' John, that's what!
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200. Whoa!
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201. I'm snowboarding down K2!
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202. Oh God!
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203. Now I'm shooting Yetis, what?
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204. This game's amazing.
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205. Of course it is,
you developed it, bro.
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206. Died pretty fast.
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207. Yeah, that's a tricky level.
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208. Thanks, man.
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209. Oh, God, Josh!
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210. Josh!
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211. Who's Josh?
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212. I'm shitting your bed again.
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213. - Oh, God, Wolf!
- Come here.
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214. Come here,
please come here.
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215. Please come here,
come on, come on, buddy.
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216. I just need a bump
and 20 bendy straws.
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217. Wolf, no.
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218. Okay, there's no coke here.
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219. Turns out that JFUTZ's
body is a temple.
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220. He's really into clean
living and I respect him.
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221. All right, we got
super fruits,
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222. we got nut powders,
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223. but no cocaine all right?
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224. Look, buddy.
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225. I mean, try some of
this super smoothie,
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226. it'll pick you right up.
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227. Jesus!
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228. Coke!
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229. Coke!
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230. Goodnight, you sweet,
sweet, sad little man.
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231. Dude.
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232. You should have
warned me about OJ.
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233. What happened to
the man in this spoon?
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234. Look.
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235. I wrote a book.
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236. Brought you a signed copy, bro.
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237. Your name is Brian?
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238. How did I not know that?
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239. Zog?
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240. Hi, buddy.
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241. You're alive!
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242. Nope.
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243. Stupid!
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244. How did you skateboard
up the stairs?
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245. I ollie.
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246. I remember that first pickle
as if it was yesterday.
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247. Nothing ever tasted
that good again
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248. and nothing ever will.
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249. Furla-wurla!
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250. Oh...
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251. What goes up must come down.
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252. That's Sir Isaac Newton.
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253. I'm sorry for everyone I hurt.
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254. Hey, Wolf.
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255. It's me, Corey.
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256. This song's for you, man.
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257. - ♪ Is this soldier...
- I can taste it.
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258. I can taste again!
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259. That's so good.
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260. Oh, shit, oh my God!
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261. Whoo!
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262. Oh my God.
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263. I'm flying through the sky.
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264. I'm so high!
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265. Oh, sh—
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266. Skrills.
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267. I was just about to stick
my landing in Snowpocalypse.
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268. Oh hey, it's you.
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269. Uh, you want to try,
it's really fun.
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270. We have another
apocalypse to deal with.
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271. Kronish is two days away
from releasing the cure.
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272. We need to kill Kronish,
destroy his research,
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273. and blow up the Kronitorium.
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274. This is our only chance.
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275. Wow, so we're going,
like, full-on T2.
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276. Judgment Day.
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277. Arnold was a frequent
customer at Wolf Arts
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278. and a good friend.
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279. Oh, man.
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280. We had some sexcapades.
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281. Okay.
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282. This mission,
I mean, it calls for
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283. a much bigger kill team, but
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284. this is all we have, so...
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285. we're going to have
to train you up.
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286. Okay.
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287. Um...
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288. athletic stance,
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289. start sparring with
one of you guys, or...
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290. Spar, no... I think we'll—
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291. I think we'll have
you start with someone
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292. of your own skill level.
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293. What the hell is that?
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294. I do not know why you have this,
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295. but she was on your
doorstep, and, um,
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296. she'll do.
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297. So let's begin.
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298. Come on, you're being
defeated by a charge slave.
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299. - Oh, I just grazed boob.
- Suck it up.
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300. Okay, all right,
time out, time out!
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301. Again, again, again.
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302. Yield, yield,
yield, yield!
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303. This... is so stupid.
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304. I can't learn to fight in a day.
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305. Show me nose-to-brain.
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306. Okay, okay.
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307. Okay, that's something.
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308. Yeah, that something's
going to come in real handy
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309. after I get shot
a hundred times.
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310. You can't get shot,
you're essential
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311. - to this mission.
- In order to take down
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312. the building, we need to
simultaneously detonate bombs
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313. in three strategic locations.
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314. Okay.
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315. Well, where am I
during all of that?
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316. At one of the
strategic locations.
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317. We're the bombs.
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318. What do you mean,
we're the bombs?
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319. What, like suicide vests?
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320. Well, we could do belts
but vests hold more.
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321. Yeah, that's a true fact.
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322. No!
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323. No, that cannot be the plan.
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324. Fine, we'll do belts.
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325. - Jesus Christ.
- No.
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326. Look, I cannot be a part
of this, all right?
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327. Well, with only
two soldiers and you,
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328. - it's our only option.
- No!
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329. Whatever you guys need to do,
you have to find another plan
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330. to save the world.
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331. Joosh out.
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332. You can't quit on us now.
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333. Look, I am no savior.
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334. - You're the reason we're here.
- Yeah.
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335. And you said it was
the worst decision
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336. of your entire life.
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337. I said that years ago.
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338. - You said that this morning.
- Time travel is fucked up.
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339. Look, everything that
I have tried to do
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340. has just made stuff worse.
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341. Okay, can't you see,
I am not cut out for this.
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342. We can't make you do this.
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343. You have to want to do this.
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344. You have to need to do this.
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345. Without conviction,
there's no self-detonation.
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346. Thank you
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347. for your service, Future Man.
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348. You're letting him go?
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349. He's already gone.
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350. I hope you stick whatever
landing you're looking for.
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351. Wow.
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352. She's really nice now.
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353. I know what you're thinking.
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354. Why race into
a burning building
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355. when I already live
in a fireproof palace?
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356. No, I wasn't thinking that.
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357. Well, I used to hide
in a palace of my own,
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358. but as someone who's
been to hell and back,
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359. I'll tell you this.
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360. There is one downside
to cocaine addiction.
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361. It takes most of
the day to kick it,
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362. so you lose the day.
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363. Second...
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364. none of this is real.
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365. Your house, your
lifestyle, your friends.
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366. It's all an illusion.
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367. Wolf.
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368. Wolf!
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369. Look, somehow,
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370. fucking up this mission
made my life amazing.
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371. Okay, don't you get it?
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372. In this timeline, where I
never played The Biotic Wars,
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373. everything is better.
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374. This is the universe
telling me to stop.
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375. No.
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376. This is fear preventing you
from becoming a legend.
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377. So you just get
the other stuff
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378. and then we'll just—
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379. - Hey, guys.
- Hey!
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380. Where'd everybody go?
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381. Uh, Shaun White was doing
some sort of fondue thing,
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382. so everyone hit that up.
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383. Oh.
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384. Hey, you don't have to do that,
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385. I got somebody to take
care of it, I told you.
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386. Yeah, us.
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387. That's the deal.
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388. You okay, boss?
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389. You been acting
like kind of strange
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390. since you got back.
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391. Yeah, we saw you upstairs
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392. kind of kicking the
shit out of Destiny,
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393. I didn't want to ask, but...
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394. That... that doll's
name is Destiny?
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395. - Oh yeah, that's her name.
- Yeah.
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396. - That's my bae?
- Yeah.
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397. No judgment, you know,
you're the man, JFUTZ.
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398. So the place is all clean
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399. and I have a plan to
celebrate my birthday
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400. with a couple friends, so
going to boogie, all right?
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401. Yeah.
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402. You guys work for me.
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403. Yeah.
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404. We do—what...
what's going on, man?
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405. - All right.
- We good?
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406. - We're out.
- Yeah.
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407. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good.
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408. - This is not a sweet condo.
- You've got a lot of nerve
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409. showing up here, mister.
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410. Dad, what—what is this place?
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411. Very funny, you're
a wisenheimer now?
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412. Why are you even here?
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413. I'm here to see you and Mom.
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414. Oh, you're full of them today,
you're a regular comedian.
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415. You know what?
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416. You're funnier than
the entertainment
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417. they have in this prison,
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418. which is no
entertainment at all.
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419. We can't even get cable!
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420. Cable, the thing no one
even wants anymore.
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421. Wait, Dad, wait,
where's Mom?
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422. She didn't want to talk to you
and I don't blame her.
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423. That house was going
to be yours one day.
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424. It's the Futterman house,
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425. but you just couldn't
wait, could you?
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426. I'm—I'm sorry.
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427. Dad, that—that wasn't me.
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428. It's my fault.
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429. We never should have
named you Joosh.
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430. You were made fun of as a kid
and it hardened your heart.
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431. But we were inspired
by that Latino fellow
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432. that threw up on my carpet
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433. - and introduced us.
- The Latino thing again?
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434. It doesn't matter.
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435. You're more JFUTZ
than Joosh now.
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436. No.
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437. No, no, no, I'm Joosh—
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438. I'm the same sweet Joosh
that you remember, Dad.
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439. You got a court
order declaring us
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440. mentally incompetent
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441. and putting us in this place.
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442. You don't get
to call me "Dad" anymore.
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443. Here, let me, let me—
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444. I don't want your money,
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445. dirty money that corrupted you.
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446. You used to play
video games for fun.
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447. Then you got a taste of success
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448. and the hangers-on
started rushing in,
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449. and you liked it.
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450. I was never popular as a kid.
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451. You had two best friends,
me and your mom,
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452. but that wasn't
good enough for you.
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453. Oh, great.
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454. I punched turkey chili,
it gave me split pea.
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455. Okay, look, just go
get Mom and let's go home.
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456. - No.
- Come on.
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457. Let it go—
oh, Jesus Christ!
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458. Great, there goes the dinner
I didn't even want.
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459. You know what, just get
the hell out of here.
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460. Get out, do I have
to call security?
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461. Do I need to kick your ass?
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462. It's what I should have done
years ago, get out of here.
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463. Go!
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464. Get the fuck out.
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465. JFUTZ.
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466. Who sent you?
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467. Bamboo union?
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468. Ghost Shadows?
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469. Who?
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470. Clone assassin?
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471. It's brilliant.
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472. - Leave it to the Triads.
- I'm—I'm...
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473. wait, what?
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474. Hachi machi!
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475. They told me it was impossible.
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476. Hey, eyes up here!
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477. You're an asshole.
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478. How could you do that
to our parents?
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479. "Our" parents?
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480. Don't try to get
in my head, clone.
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481. You tell your bosses I ain't
throwing no tournaments.
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482. There's a little thing
called integrity
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483. when it comes to e-sports.
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484. Doesn't matter how much
they try to intimidate me.
Copy !req
485. - And that thing is intimidating.
- Dude.
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486. I-I'm not your clone assassin.
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487. I'm from another timeline,
only where I come from,
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488. I have this dick
but I'm not a dick.
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489. Nice line, fake me.
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490. But I've been up
for 39 hours straight
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491. and I'm still going strong.
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492. Oh God.
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493. I would probably cut back
on the JOOSH, Joosh.
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494. It's JFUTZ, bitch.
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495. Ow!
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496. Did you just slap my nose?
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497. - Oh-ho-ho.
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498. Big mistake!
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499. I killed JFUTZ!
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500. All right.
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501. You think you can handle
this much C-4, soldier?
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502. Well, as long as
we're working together,
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503. there's no amount of
ammonium chlorate
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504. - I can't carry.
- All right.
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505. - Let's get to it.
- Guys.
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506. Guys, stop, stop, stop, stop.
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507. Josh, out of our way.
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508. We got a tower to take down.
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509. Look, I'm here to help.
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510. Okay, I was wrong.
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511. I—I belong with you guys
here in this sewer
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512. and not in some
fireproof palace.
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513. Sweet callback.
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514. Look, I'm in this
with you guys.
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515. Till the end.
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516. Okay.
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517. I'm gonna whip
you up a C-4 belt.
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518. No—no, no, no.
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519. We don't have to die.
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520. I've got a plan.
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521. How is this possible?
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522. So in this timeline,
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523. the one where I never
worked at Kronish,
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524. the one where I never
played The Biotic Wars,
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525. no one has beaten this game.
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526. I Bloogled it on my Blapple.
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527. So?
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528. So—so that means that there's
another version of you two
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529. in the future,
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530. waiting to come back for me.
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531. Guys.
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532. This is an entirely
different reality.
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533. Your whole team
can still be alive.
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534. Look, all I have to do
is go and beat the game again
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535. and we get another
Tiger and another Wolf
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536. and who knows who else.
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537. No, it'll just be us.
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538. They'll all die in the tunnel...
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539. again.
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540. Groundhog Day.
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541. Andie MacDowell.
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542. - I hit that.
- No.
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543. They don't have to die.
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544. We can send them a message
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545. through the game,
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546. tell them to go a different way.
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547. You guys, we can get
the entire team back.
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548. Mongoose, Butterfly, Owl,
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549. before he got that
brainworm thing.
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550. Myrm.
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551. He was myrmed.
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552. Yes.
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553. How would you guys like
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554. a pre-myrm Owl?
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555. "Avoid-The-Tunnel."
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556. See?
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557. Now the future yous will
take a different way in.
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558. Play the Death Bridge.
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559. They should be so lucky.
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560. I'm Tiger.
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561. This is Wolf.
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562. You're our newest recruit.
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563. Come fight.
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564. Welcome to the Resistance.
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565. Let's fuck this place up.
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566. Murder everyone!
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567. Break their bodies!
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568. Juice me, juice me!
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569. Certified organic
by Orient Health.
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570. Blow them back to hell!
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571. Everyone's going to be
peckish when they arrive.
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572. Don't want to give
them palate shock,
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573. so best stick to
simple hors d'oeuvres.
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574. Don't know how
I'm going to do that
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575. without a melon baller,
but I suppose I'll make do.
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576. Make it rain blood!
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577. You got any crème fraîche?
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578. Uh, no.
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579. Level 83.
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580. All I have to do
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581. is shed all of my
armor and weapons,
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582. take the secret passageway
past the Jizzadrian kill squad,
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583. dodge those perfs,
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584. that leads directly
to the big boss.
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585. Okay, Dr. Genocide,
slit his evil throat.
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586. Hit the detonator,
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587. slide down the fire tube
without being burned alive,
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588. all before the kill scraper
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589. explodes.
Copy !req
590. Congratulations.
Copy !req
591. You've achieved
the ranking of savior.
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592. All right,
it should work, that's it.
Copy !req
593. You—you think
I made enough food?
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594. You know what, I don't,
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595. but I didn't want
to say anything, Wolf.
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596. All right, there's like
a little bit of lag time,
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597. but it'll happen
any moment now.
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598. Okay, we need to back up.
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599. There are about to be
45 bloodthirsty warriors
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600. up in this piece.
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