Future Man 1x1

1. Over here.

2. Leave it.

3. Hey, just leave it!

4. Behind the dumpster, quick!

5. Get down, shh, shh.

6. Please, don't hurt them.

7. Now that's what I call a hole in one.

8. There's the shock.

9. And awe.

10. Hey kid, I think you dropped this.

11. You're safe now.

12. Can't say the same for the rest of humanity.

13. Who are you?

14. - I'm Future Man. - Joshy.

15. - No, I'm Future Man. - Joshy!

16. - Future Man. - Joshy?

17. Joshy?

18. Joshy!

19. Joshy!

20. Dad, you don't have to wake me up, okay?

21. I have an alarm clock.

22. Yeah, but not one that makes you pancakes.

23. Come on, you little buddy boo.

24. I'm an adult, you don't have to make me pancakes!

25. My joystick!

26. - Yo! - Hey, Futterman!

27. - How you doing? - I'm doing good,

28. uh, except I need another joystick.

29. Another one, what happened?

30. You spazz out playing Biotic Wars?

31. Smash your joystick... again?

32. Why you still playing that stupid game?

33. I know why.

34. Because he spanks it to this one—Tiger!

35. That is not true, I do not spank it to Tiger.

36. Dude, you spank it to Tiger so much,

37. your right hand should be called Siegfried, man.

38. Bam, you like that?

39. I've been working on my slams.

40. Look, don't worry about it.

41. We all jerk it to video game people.

42. I mean, she's not my type.

43. I prefer Ms. Pac-Man.

44. Ms. Pac-Man is married to Mr. Pac-Man.

45. No, because then she would be called

46. Mrs. Pac-Man, not Ms. Pac-Man.

47. This is essentially Pac-Man's daughter.

48. I'm fucking Pac-Man's daughter

49. under Pac-Man's roof and she's gobbling my dick like

50. homp, homp, homp.

51. Me personally, I've always wanted to fuck Luigi.

52. I love Italian dick.

53. I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy.

54. The whole dick.

55. He has a dragon that shits eggs

56. like a chicken, that's fucking dope.

57. Look, Luigi wouldn't last one day in the Biotic Wars.

58. And, by the way, think about Super Mario Bros. As a whole.

59. It's a ridiculous game, it makes no sense at all.

60. What do you mean, what do you mean?

61. What do you mean, "What do you mean"?

62. Bowser builds a castle, he knows there's little

63. Italian plumbers that are trying to stop him,

64. but yet he makes these giant green pipes

65. that lead right inside.

66. - That makes no sense. - No, 'cause it's destiny.

67. - Destiny? - That's how you know

68. it's meant to be, he had big pipes.

69. And the one thing he didn't see coming

70. was two Italian plumbers that fit exactly in those pipes.

71. Those games suck, come on!

72. Your games suck.

73. Yeah, your game is literally unbeatable.

74. That is why I play it,

75. because it's unbeatable.

76. Think about it.

77. How many people have beaten Halo?

78. How many people have beaten Call of Duty

79. or BioShock?

80. I play this game because no one has beaten it.

81. Why would I want to beat a game that everyone can beat?

82. There's nothing special about that.

83. That's a true truth.

84. Okay, I don't have time for this,

85. I have to get to the lab.

86. Yeah, have fun saving the world.

87. Earth 2162.

88. The human race is on the brink of extinction.

89. The Biotics, a super race immune to disease,

90. have released a deadly virus

91. killing nearly all of Earth's

92. 40 billion inhabitants.

93. Hey Carl.

94. Hey, Josh, how are you?

95. Living the dream.

96. What's left of humanity hangs on by a thread,

97. defended by a small army known as the Resistance.

98. I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.

99. You're our newest recruit.

100. Come fight.

101. Welcome to the Resistance.

102. Would you like to load previous game, Future Man?

103. Yes, I would.

104. Let's fuck this place up.

105. Rip his fucking dick off!

106. Weapon upgrade, X28 Psychoblaster.

107. Nice, X28 Psychoblaster.

108. Enemy vehicle approaching.

109. Use your subatomic sensor mine.

110. Thank you for that, Wolf.

111. - Blow 'em back to hell. - Yeah, hoo!

112. Come on, come on, come on, yes!

113. - I live for blood! - Hey, Josh.

114. Hoo, how long have you been in here, buddy?

115. It smells bad.

116. You know you're surrounded by cleaning supplies, right?

117. Yeah, yeah, no, I know, I just—I'm in the middle

118. of something right now, man.

119. Look, buddy, I hate to tell you this,

120. but you might have an unhealthy obsession

121. with this video game.

122. It's not unhealthy.

123. So that's not a water bottle

124. filled with your piss so you don't have to stop playing?

125. No. No, it's—it's— It's apple juice.

126. - Why don't you take a sip? - 'Cause I'm not thirsty.

127. You're so thirsty right now,

128. - and you love apple juice. - Not that much.

129. It's your third favorite juice.

130. Not thirsty, dude.

131. Then why you sweating right now?

132. You parched, you want a sip?

133. Nope.

134. 'Cause it's piss.

135. Anyway, what level are you on?

136. - Hoo, 83. - 83?

137. - Yep, yep. - That's the one

138. you always die on, right?

139. It is, and every time I come back with more

140. and more weapons, however...

141. I have never made it this far with this many

142. weapons in my arsenal.

143. Get ready to witness history.

144. - Kill 'em all! - To the left, to the left!

145. I'm dead.

146. That was fast!

147. So brutal.

148. They took all your limbs.

149. Yeah, they always do.

150. Well, at least it helped me take my mind off

151. all the shits I have to plunge for a while.

152. I am so glad you said that

153. 'cause I did not have a graceful way

154. to segue into this, um, but there's actually

155. more shits for you to plunge, buddy.

156. I'm sorry.

157. It's okay, man, it's not your fault.

158. Well, actually, one of 'em was.

159. If you were as good at cleaning as you are at leering,

160. you'd be a pretty good janitor.

161. But you aren't.

162. You are a shitty janitor.

163. Dr. Camillo, please, just give me a break.

164. Oh, we gave Dr. Yakamura a break to his collar bone

165. when he slipped on your wet floor

166. and broke all my samples.

167. I'm really sorry, Stu.

168. Sorry doesn't re-swab those urethras.

169. Do you think I like swabbing urethras?

170. Guess it depends on the urethra.

171. Nope, they're all bad.

172. But I swab them all the same

173. because it's my job, which is actually

174. really, really important,

175. unlike your job, which could be done by a Roomba.

176. That's enough, Dr. Camillo.

177. I'm sorry, Dr. Kronish.

178. The custodial staff doesn't work for you,

179. they work for me, as do you.

180. And if you want to keep working for me,

181. I suggest less tongue-lashing

182. and more urethra-swabbing.

183. Now, off you go, swab, swab.

184. Right away, sir.

185. Whoa, thank you.

186. I'd fire that jackass, but goddamn he knows

187. his way around a herpes culture.

188. Sorry.

189. Oh, no, no, no, go on.

190. Go on, get a good look.

191. It's what we're fighting here, the good fight.

192. Hey, you know what they say, keep your friends close,

193. - but your enemies on your lip. - Hmmm.

194. Nice one.

195. I was looking for a closer for my toast

196. at the Christmas party.

197. You mind if I use that?

198. - Oh, yeah, it's all you. - What's your name again?

199. - Uh, Futterman. - Futterman.

200. Come take a walk with me.

201. Now, they call it herpes simplex,

202. but there's nothing simple about it.

203. I have been studying this virus for over 40 years

204. seeking a cure.

205. It's why I became a scientist.

206. Dr. Benson.

207. When's the last time this possum ejaculated?

208. - Three hours, sir. - Perfect.

209. Now, what was I talking about?

210. - Uh, herpes. - Oh, yes, of course.

211. I'll never forget the night I contracted it.

212. It was the night of the moon landing.

213. There was a big party at the Pi Pi Gamma house

214. at Caltech.

215. The night of the moon landing?

216. - Hmm. - That is an historic moment

217. to contract herpes.

218. Oh, you should've been there.

219. Maybe you could've warned me that beneath

220. that cherry red lipstick,

221. Barbarella had an HSV-1 outbreak.

222. Couldn't see it.

223. - Look at this monstrosity. - Oh, no, it's not that bad.

224. I mean, actually, it's like some people

225. look good with a bald head,

226. and you look good with a cold sore.

227. So actually the way the light's hitting it right now,

228. it's kind of beautiful.

229. One day, I'm gonna find a cure

230. for this hideous blemish.

231. Just have to keep trying new formulas.

232. Well, it's like Einstein said,

233. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over

234. expecting a different result."

235. Thanks, Dr. Kronish.

236. Oh, now, call me Elias.

237. Janitor Futterman to the executive restroom.

238. You are needed in the executive restroom.

239. There is a... big problem.

240. Josh, what's wrong?

241. You barely touched your salmon.

242. Can... can I have it?

243. Yeah.

244. Did you guys ever think that I'd be doing

245. something more with my life?

246. What are you talking about, Joshy?

247. You work for one of the top sexual disease centers

248. in the country!

249. Every day you walk into work,

250. you're curing disease.

251. I mean, I'm not curing disease.

252. But you're cleaning up after the people who are.

253. Yeah, and literally anybody could do that job.

254. Well, if you don't like it, you can always do

255. something else, you can do anything

256. you set your mind to.

257. We've always told you that.

258. Yeah, you have, but it's not true.

259. I mean, considering that I have a shitty job,

260. and I still live at home with my parents,

261. and I didn't set my mind to that.

262. Okay, I'm gonna be the bigger man here

263. and not tell you how much that emotionally winded me.

264. I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

265. And I instantly forgive you,

266. that's how family works.

267. And there's nothing weird about living

268. in your childhood home.

269. This is my childhood home,

270. and I live here.

271. This is a Futterman house.

272. I was conceived right upstairs in the same room

273. where I sleep with your mother.

274. The same room you were conceived in.

275. Gross, Dad, come on.

276. And one day, God willing, you'll conceive your own

277. little Futterman in that same room.

278. You should be encouraging me to get out of the house!

279. But we don't want you to leave.

280. What about your video game?

281. You're the best at it, right?

282. Doesn't that make you feel special?

283. It's a video game.

284. It's not real, it's just an escape.

285. I'm not helping anybody by playing video games.

286. All right, I'm gonna go play video games.

287. Break their bodies!

288. That's a clean break, double points.

289. Make it rain blood!

290. - Yes! - Level completed.

291. Yes, yes, okay.

292. Here we are, again.

293. Level 83.

294. Every time I go in there guns blazing,

295. and every time I die.

296. I can't keep doing the same thing again and again

297. expecting different results.

298. I gotta try something different.

299. Unequip all gear.

300. Go, go, go!

301. Oh, shit.

302. Self-destruct sequence activated.

303. - Oh my God. - Five.

304. - Go, go, go! - Four.

305. - Oh, my God, go! - Three.

306. - Go, go, go, go, go! - Two.

307. Run, you little fucker, run!

308. One.

309. Congratulations.

310. You have defeated all of the Biotics

311. and saved humanity.

312. You are the savior.

313. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

314. Hey, guys!

315. Guess what I did?

316. Hello?

317. - Out to get snacks. - And explore!

318. All right, Siegfried, you and me, pal.

319. Hey, Tiger.

320. What are you doing sniffing around these parts?

321. Maybe it's because I'm in heat.

322. Heh, well then you're in the right place

323. 'cause I'm in heat also.

324. Although, technically, male cats don't—

325. Fuck it, it doesn't matter.

326. Doesn't fucking matter.

327. Future Man.

328. The fuck?

329. Oh, I'm hit!

330. What the fuck?

331. What are you doing here, who are you people?

332. I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.

333. We've come back from the year 2162.

334. You're gonna help us save the world.

335. No, no, get out of here!

336. What, do you expect me to believe you guys

337. are characters from my video game?

338. It's more than just a game!

339. God dammit, it's all over me!

340. Relax.

341. Wolf, it's just a little cum.

342. - It's a lot of cum! - Wolf!

343. Listen carefully.

344. Everything that happens in the Biotic Wars is real.

345. The Biotics, the wars, everything.

346. The game is a recruitment and training tool

347. sent back in time to find the one person

348. with the skills to save us.

349. A savior.

350. It's you.

351. You're the first and only person to have beaten the game.

352. That's The Last Starfighter.

353. It's the exact same plot as the movie.

354. What's a movie?

355. Okay, who put you up to this?

356. The guys in the video game store?

357. Such dicks.

358. Is this part of your arsenal of weaponry?

359. No, no, please don't.

360. That's a signed authen—Oh, my God!

361. I paid my only bitcoin for that!

362. Okay, listen, listen!

363. I know this is a lot for you to digest,

364. but the clock is ticking

365. and we have to do this.

366. Do what?

367. - We're going to '69. - Beg your pardon?

368. I said we're going to '69.

369. Uh, you and me are gonna 69 right now?

370. - Yes, are you ready? - Okay.

371. Only, what's his deal in all this?

372. Is he gonna watch or...

373. No, I'm going to '69 with you too,

374. make sure you don't fuck it up.

375. No, he's right, we can't do this without him.

376. What the fuck are you talking about?

377. Going back in time to 1969

378. to save the world.

379. Oh.

380. The year.

381. What's that supposed to be?

382. It's a TTD, time travel device.

383. That's a stupid name, it looks like a fucking iPad.

384. Don't fucking touch it!

385. Do you know how many soldiers we lost stealing this?

386. Good men!

387. Better fucking men than you.

388. Wolf!

389. - Stop it, we need him. - Do we?

390. Are we really gonna waste a leap on this fucking guy?

391. We don't know how many we have.

392. Okay, so it's Last Starfighter meets Quantum Leap now?

393. Look, I'll give it to you guys, all right?

394. You're terrific actors,

395. and your costumes are impeccable,

396. but I'm not buying it, okay?

397. You just obviously researched my love of video games

398. and science fiction, and are using it against me

399. to trick me in a really, really mean way.

400. You're breaking and entering right now.

401. You can't even be—

402. What's happening?

403. I have risked way too much to get here.

404. We are not leaving without you.

405. What's going on?

406. Oh, my God!

407. Oh, oh shit.

408. Oh, shit!

409. Where's all my shit?

410. Your shit's not here.

411. We're not in your room anymore.

412. Altitude velocity lights.

413. Three and a half down, 220 feet.

414. Thirteen forward.

415. What the heck?

416. Daddy?

417. Who are you?

418. Five and a half down.

419. Nine forward.

420. I'm your—

421. Do your goddamn drugs somewhere else,

422. fucking hippie.

423. - Mom! - Calm down!

424. Mom!

425. Here we go, time to see his moves.

426. Help!

427. Get him, Dad!

428. - Get out of my house! - It's my house too.

429. Future Man.

430. Do a threat assessment and fight back.

431. No, no, no, no.

432. Grandma, Grandma, it's me, Joshy.

433. Get him, Mom!

434. Uncle Barry?

435. The plates!

436. All right, we tried it your away,

437. clearly it's not working.

438. We don't know that yet.

439. Ow, stop!

440. You want me to jump in now?

441. Or would you rather watch your savior

442. get beaten to death by his own family?

443. Ow, my ear!

444. Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

445. What the fuck are you doing, moron?

446. Move it!

447. - ♪ Break, break ♪♪ - I traveled... in time.

448. This is real.

449. This is real— you're—you're Tiger

450. and you're Wolf, and you're time travelers.

451. Oh my God, oh my God, tell me everything.

452. Can I see a dinosaur?

453. Can I please see a dinosaur?

454. What the fuck happened in there?

455. - Why can't you fight? - Why can't I fight?

456. I've never been in one before.

457. - You're a warrior. - No, I'm not.

458. - But you're Future Man. - In the video game.

459. Aren't people who play video games supposed

460. to embody the skills of their online personas?

461. No, no, it's the complete opposite.

462. Why would anybody play video games

463. if you could just do a bunch of really cool shit

464. in real life?

465. I don't—I don't understand.

466. In our time, video games are training simulators

467. that hone the skills of elite soldiers.

468. Oh, no, yeah, not in our time.

469. No, it's like purely escapism, recreation.

470. Do you have any useful skills?

471. Uh, I'm good at word jumbles,

472. um, Sudoku.

473. Cumming on my leg.

474. Okay, Wolf, I wasn't trying to cum on your leg, okay?

475. If this is gonna become one of those things

476. where like you can't forgive me and move on

477. until we're even, then just go ahead,

478. cum on my leg.

479. Hey, guys, check it out!

480. Oh shit, we need to change our clothes.

481. Why?

482. It's time travel 101, you need to blend in.

483. Don't look like you're from the future.

484. Look at this, look at this shit—

485. Don't touch my gobulator.

486. Hey, what the fuck are you guys wearing?

487. See, what did I tell you?

488. You, give me your clothes.

489. Oh... no, don't, don't, don't.

490. Don't, they are bikers

491. and bikers are assholes.

492. Well, how about instead of us taking off our clothes,

493. you take off yours,

494. and then maybe give us a little dance.

495. Fuck this place up!

496. Murder everyone!

497. Let's go.

498. Yeah, crush his nuts.

499. Break their skulls!

500. Fuck.

501. Shit.

502. Head shot.

503. Oh, shit, is he okay?

504. - Head shot! - Head shot!

505. Leg shot!

506. And neutralized.

507. Time to grab a skull trophy.

508. No-no-no, no-no-no, stop.

509. What are you doing?

510. Stopping you from killing him.

511. - Why? - Do I really have to say this?

512. Killing is wrong.

513. Oh, I can't work with this guy.

514. Can we just take their clothes

515. and leave, please?

516. You never had a problem with killing in our simulator.

517. Oh, my God, that guy's bone is sticking out.

518. I mean, I think it goes without saying,

519. but I don't know how to ride one of these.

520. Just get on.

521. - On your— - Mine.

522. Yeah, okay.

523. Never seen so much food in my life.

524. It's literally hanging from the walls.

525. I take it you don't have delis in the future?

526. No, we live in a sewer.

527. We eat garbage and rats.

528. - Ew. - Yeah, no fucking shit.

529. Eat a rat asshole, then say fucking "ew."

530. - Here you go. - Thank you.

531. Okay.

532. Holy shit.

533. Holy shit.

534. Here's some water for you.

535. Oh, these little green logs are fucking amazing.

536. They're called pickles.

537. - Calm down. - More logs!

538. Okay, okay, look, I know you're from the sewers

539. and everything, but you need to do

540. a better job about acting normal here, okay?

541. What the fuck does it matter?

542. They're all fucking dead anyway.

543. You're all fucking dead, you're all dead!

544. Just shoving food into your dead fucking mouths!

545. - No, no, no. - So hope you have

546. a great last meal.

547. - No, no, no, she's— - Grandma, you're dead.

548. - You little girl, dead! - No, no, no, you're not dead.

549. - You're fucking dead. - You're okay, you're okay.

550. Your kids are dead!

551. Your kids are fine, everybody's fine.

552. - Your babies are dead. - She's having a bad trip.

553. It's the, you know, '60s, it's...

554. Okay, even if that is true, you can't yell it at people

555. when they're eating their matzo ball soup.

556. I know that you're upset.

557. You don't know what I am

558. or what I've been through

559. or the people that sacrificed their lives

560. to get me here because I thought you

561. were the savior.

562. I lost everyone to get here.

563. And what?

564. So you could fucking enlighten me about pickles?

565. Hey!

566. Come on, now, those are fucking good.

567. You've nothing to offer.

568. You are nothing like the man I thought

569. I was coming back for.

570. Nothing.

571. Wolf, fire up the TTD, we're sending him back.

572. No, no, no, no, please, don't send me back!

573. I just got here, I've wanted this my entire life.

574. Look, I can probably still help out with the mission.

575. No, you can't because we don't even know

576. where the fuck to start.

577. But if you're from the future,

578. shouldn't you just know everything?

579. No.

580. The Biotics control everything.

581. All we know is that tonight, on July 20th, 1969,

582. something happens that leads to the annihilation

583. of the entire human race and we were hoping

584. that you'd be the key to stopping Elias Kronish,

585. but that is just...

586. that's not gonna happen.

587. Fuck, it's over.

588. Do you mean Dr. Elias Kronish?

589. How do you know that motherfucker's name?

590. I work with him.

591. He's actually not a motherfucker.

592. He's like this really sweet old man,

593. and we're kind of, like, becoming friends.

594. That sweet old man's research

595. leads to a super cure for all diseases.

596. The people injected with the cure,

597. those are the Biotics.

598. No, he's working on a cure for herpes.

599. You're telling me that a cure for herpes

600. is what brings down all of mankind?

601. I am moving around, getting familiar,

602. getting familiar.

603. Holy shit.

604. The moon landing party at Caltech.

605. That's where Dr. Kronish first gets herpes,

606. that's the whole reason he became a scientist,

607. and that happens tonight.

608. Go, go, go on.

609. Okay.

610. Okay, I got it, I got it.

611. If we can get to Caltech

612. and stop Dr. Kronish from ever getting herpes,

613. he'll never become a scientist,

614. and we can stop this whole cycle before it even begins.

615. Maybe you are the savior after all.

616. Oh, come on.

617. I call fucking bullshit on that.

618. No, how can it be a coincidence

619. that the only person who beats Biotic Wars

620. just happens to be friends with the man

621. who destroys the human race?

622. I don't think that's a coincidence.

623. You heard her, Wolf.

624. Can't be a coincidence.

625. It's destiny.

626. Just like Super Mario Bros.

627. All right, are you ready?

628. Let's do this shit.

629. 'Cause this isn't a game anymore.

630. - Nope. - Things are about to get real.

631. - Yep. - This is life or death.

632. It's either kill or be killed.

633. I'm gonna have to kill?

634. Or be killed.

635. Oh, no.

636. Is that an X28 Psychoblaster?

637. Holy shit.

638. - Oh, fuck! - What the fuck are you doing?

639. We gotta get out of here.

640. Okay, okay, okay.

641. Everybody get down!

642. Heads on tables.

643. We are from your time!

644. Oh my God, shit got real in there.

645. Uh, guys, the cops.

646. Cops, cops, cops.

647. Our first call, we've wanted this

648. since we were kids.

649. All right, Santiago, you ready for this?

650. Let's do this, Skaarsgard.

651. They're gonna arrest us.

652. Wh—what are you doing?

653. What are you doing?

654. Is that a subatomic sensor mine?

655. Oh, fuck!

656. What the hell?

657. Welcome to the Resistance.