Futurama 5x1

Directed by Dwayne Carey-Hill

The rapid increase in global warming is traced to a ventilation flaw that Professor Farnsworth failed to correct in his first robot prototype. As a result, all robots are ordered to be destroyed, but Bender refuses to go without a fight.

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1. Hurry up with the water. I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am.

2. It's that hot, it is.

3. Man, it's hot.

4. How hot is it?

5. It's so hot, I poured McDonald's coffee in my lap to cool off.

6. Johnny Carson said it.

7. No, Nibbler!

8. Don't drink the pool water. It's full of chlorine.

9. Ah.

10. Lightweights.

11. Oh, wait, chlorine.

12. Perhaps this movie will help take our minds off the heat.

13. Focus.

14. You're probably wondering why your ice cream went away.

15. Well, Susie, the culprit isn't foreigners.

16. It's global warming.

17. Gwobu wabu?

18. Yeah.

19. Meet Mr. Sunbeam.

20. He comes all the way from the sun to visit Earth.

21. Hello, Earth.

22. Just popping in to brighten your day.

23. And now, I'll be on my way.

24. Not so fast, Sunbeam.

25. We're greenhouse gases.

26. You ain't going nowhere.

27. Oh, God, it hurts.

28. Pretty soon, Earthis chock-full of sunbeams,

29. their rotting corpses heating our atmosphere.

30. How do we get wid of the gweenhouse gwases?

31. Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last-minute way

32. to combat global warming.

33. Ever since 2063, we simply drop a giant ice cube

34. into the ocean every now and then.

35. Just like Daddy puts in his dwink every morning.

36. And then he gets mad.

37. Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still building up,

38. it takes more and more ice each time.

39. Thus, solving the problem once and for all.

40. - But... - Once and for all!

41. Well, we just need one of those big ice cubes.

42. Someone should call the losers who were supposed to deliver it.

43. Hello?

44. President Nixon here.

45. I'm hiring you losers to deliver the ice.

46. And hurry up.

47. I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover trying to squeeze into a new girdle.

48. You heard the good news, everyone.

49. Save the Earth, et cetera, et cetera.

50. Bye.

51. Wait, where do we get the ice?

52. The whuh?

53. Oh, Halley's Comet, of course.

54. The only sufficient source of ice cubes that don't have bugs in them.

55. Wow, mining a comet. That sounds fun.

56. Yes, there's no safer occupation than mining.

57. Especially when you're perched on a snowball

58. whipping through space at a million miles an hour.

59. Whoo, whoo, whoo.

60. Safe.

61. Deploying ice drill.

62. Wow, that ice dispenser's so big, the ice crushes you.

63. Yakov Smirnoff said it.

64. No, he didn't.

65. Activating ice drill.

66. Oh, my God. It's out of ice.

67. Like some outer space Motel 6.

68. Completely out of ice?

69. This could mean

70. the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it.

71. Also life.

72. With Halley's Comet out of ice,

73. Earth is experiencing the devastating effects

74. of sudden, intense global warming.

75. Morbo is pleased but sticky.

76. The scorching heat has melted the polar ice caps,

77. causing floods of Biblical proportion.

78. They called me crazy for building this ark.

79. You are crazy.

80. You filled it with same-sex animal couples.

81. Hey, there are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like.

82. Direct your pity now to the African turtles

83. seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland.

84. That poor turtle.

85. Bender, are you crying?

86. Uh, no, never.

87. Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips.

88. I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.

89. Windmills do not work that way!

90. Good night!

91. Well, everybody, I just saved a turtle.

92. What have you done with your lives?

93. You went all the way to Holland already?

94. Bender, a turtle isn't yourself.

95. Why do you care about it?

96. Because, I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself.

97. Like poor little Shelly here.

98. What could you possibly have in common

99. with this walking soup mix?

100. For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell.

101. But lead a rich inner life.

102. And also... Well, you know.

103. You're both alcoholic, whoremongering, chain-smoking gamblers?

104. No, it's just...

105. Neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.

106. What! I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.

107. Those times I was slightly on my side.

108. Interesting.

109. Maybe we should test this erectile dysfunction of yours, Bender.

110. Uh, no, that's not necessary, really.

111. I think I hear my factory recalling me.

112. Oh, that's what I get for sharing my vulnerability with you.

113. Calling all scientists. Calling all scientists.

114. Be advised, there will be a worldwide conference

115. on global warming in Kyōto, Japan.

116. I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine.

117. You've got a degree in baloney.

118. Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist.

119. Forget it. I'm not going.

120. I have my reasons.

121. Shut up, all of you!

122. Strange.

123. You haven't acted this suspicious

124. since I found those "ape" bones in the basement.

125. My hip hurts.

126. I'm in the middle of cooking a turkey.

127. I have warranty cards to fill out.

128. I am not just making excuses.

129. All right, I'll go!

130. I can't believe it! I love you!

131. Oh, oh, oh, it's Professor Hubert Farnsworth.

132. He's looking sharp in a standard white lab coat and dark slacks.

133. His wristwatch is a Casio.

134. Thank you all for coming.

135. It is my pleasure to introduce the host

136. of the Kyōto global warming convention.

137. The inventor of the environment, and first Emperor of the Moon,

138. Al Gore.

139. I have ridden the mighty Moon worm.

140. Good for him.

141. My fellow Earthicans,

142. as I discuss in my book, Earth in the Balance,

143. and the much more popular

144. Harry Patter and the Balance of Earth,

145. we need to defend our planet against pollution

146. as well as dark wizards.

147. Sure, blame the wizards.

148. That's why I'm offering a bag of Moon sapphires

149. to the first scientist who can solve this problem

150. once and for all.

151. Lovely, aren't they?

152. Sapphires?

153. With those I could open the Gate of Garesh.

154. First up is Professor Ogden Wernstrom.

155. Wernstrom!

156. Ladies and gentlemen,

157. I have placed in orbit a giant mirror

158. that will reflect 40% of the sun's rays,

159. thus cooling Earth.

160. Observe.

161. Problem solved.

162. Whoa.

163. That's a little bright.

164. All right...

165. What else we got?

166. Professor, you're a professor.

167. You must have some ideas.

168. Absolutely not.

169. I won't speak. I've got nothing to hide!

170. Our next speaker is Professor...

171. I demand the floor!

172. Yes, it's your turn to speak.

173. Well, nuts to me.

174. I'm taking the stage.

175. I know the source of the greenhouse gases.

176. But in my shame, I've kept it secret for 75 long years.

177. Oh, it haunts my memories still.

178. Professor, no! Don't do it!

179. Don't do what?

180. Don't use this memory ray

181. so I can remember what happened back then?

182. It was October 17th at 1:54 p.m.

183. and 14 birds were flying by the window.

184. I was working at Mom's Friendly Robot Company.

185. Back then, you see, robots were slow-moving, stiff

186. and a little on the uptight side.

187. Oh, dear.

188. Might I favor Master with a tender kiss on the forehead?

189. Oh, I failed again.

190. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

191. The owner of the company pressured me

192. to create a bigger, sportier robot.

193. Stop! Oh!

194. It wasn't easy,

195. but by sacrificing fuel efficiency, I succeeded.

196. What was that?

197. A flaming burp.

198. Does it always do that?

199. It's not always a burp.

200. We still have one problem, though.

201. This robot will never meet emissions standards.

202. Crap spackle!

203. We'll just call it a Sport Utility Robot and classify it as a light truck.

204. Well...

205. I suppose the environment can take one more for the team.

206. What a fool I was!

207. If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner-burning robot.

208. But I was tired and in love.

209. Take me now, you stud!

210. Oh, this is all my fault!

211. That's awful, Professor.

212. Especially the making out part.

213. Yeah. I didn't need to hear that.

214. All modern robots descend

215. from my original smog-blasting designs,

216. and that's the cause of global warming today.

217. Ah, so the robots are to blame, as I suspected.

218. We are left with only one possible course of action,

219. grim though it be.

220. I got a good feeling about this.

221. We must immediately and permanently

222. shut down, dismantle and destroy all robots!

223. Wait. Surely there's a better...

224. The conference is over.

225. I must go now to help collect cans on Jupiter.

226. Peace out, y'all.

227. Destroy all robots!

228. Destroy all robots!

229. Poor Bender.

230. Be brave, my friend.

231. Oh.

232. Come on.

233. You've got to come out of your chest sometime.

234. Would you do it for a Bender snack?

235. A-ha!

236. - Gotcha! - Let me go!

237. I don't even want this stupid beer.

238. Yes!

239. You tried to trick me into coming out of my chest,

240. but who has the beer now?

241. I've got mail.

242. Ooh.

243. It's a party, apparently.

244. Do you like to party?

245. To boogie down?

246. Well, I'm throwing an all-night beach rager for my robot pals.

247. It all goes down this Saturday

248. on the isolated Galapagos Islands where there will no escape...

249. From the fun!

250. All robots must attend.

251. Strange.

252. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man,

253. suddenly throw a party,

254. one of the most social events imaginable?

255. It's a trap, is why!

256. They're going to deactivate all the robots.

257. I don't hear any gasping.

258. We all figured that out.

259. Oh.

260. Well, I'm off.

261. Wait, we can hide you.

262. We'll pile fruit on you and claim you're a bowl.

263. No. I'm going to the party.

264. I won't let you!

265. Fry, as you know,

266. there are lots of things I'm willing to kill for.

267. Jewels, vengeance, Father O'Malley's weed whacker.

268. But at long last I've found something I'm willing to die for.

269. This mindless turtle.

270. Bender, this world isn't good enough for you.

271. Not even close.

272. Goodbye, everybody!

273. Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead!

274. It's booby-trapped.

275. Do a little dance Make a little love

276. Get down tonight

277. Get down tonight

278. Do a little dance

279. Make a little love

280. Get down tonight

281. Get down tonight

282. Poor guy.

283. Maybe you'd feel better if I had a drink.

284. Crummy keg.

285. It's completely...

286. Oh, you're a robot.

287. - Don't stop. - Ew!

288. Attention, happening robots.

289. Who's got what it takes to party with Nixon?

290. You fellows enjoy yourselves for the next two hours

291. and be sure not to leave the island,

292. uh, for at least two hours.

293. I'm going out to pick up some smokes.

294. Really good smokes.

295. Two hours.

296. Okay, headless body of Agnew, let's blow this joint.

297. Do you want to dance?

298. No, I'm not really in the...

299. You know you want to.

300. Per your orders, I modified my mirror

301. to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse at the Galapagos.

302. Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated.

303. Now, for your part of the bargain?

304. Ah, ooh, very well.

305. Agnew, you belong to Wernstrom now.

306. I'll say goodbye now.

307. There ain't no turtles where daddy's a-goin'.

308. Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all the robots off, and...

309. What!

310. - It's a trap. - We're going to die.

311. Oh!

312. Nixon's not bringing the smokes.

313. Shut and pay attention to me, Bender!

314. Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here,

315. except perhaps you, Hedonismbot.

316. But we need to be shut off!

317. Especially you, Hedonismbot.

318. I apologize for nothing!

319. We pollute too much!

320. We're destroying the world and killing the turtles!

321. To hell with the turtles.

322. No one insults the turtles.

323. Come on, you...

324. Let the games begin!

325. Everyone, listen!

326. Damn!

327. I've devised a way to save you

328. and stop global warming at the same time.

329. Granted, you're all blasting out greenhouse gases...

330. You're one to talk.

331. Ooh!

332. But we can use those very gases to save the planet.

333. If you all vent your exhaust directly upward in one burst,

334. it should thrust the Earth further from the Sun,

335. thus cooling it.

336. By my calculations,

337. we'll need the full force of every last robot.

338. So quickly,

339. everyone point your exhaust vents straight upwards.

340. Now, vent.

341. Vent like the wind!

342. Harder! Harder!

343. Why isn't this working?

344. Some lazy or polite robot is holding it in.

345. Help! Help!

346. A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished!

347. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one!

348. I'm sorry, buddy.

349. At we'll die on our backs, helpless.

350. Huh?

351. What the hell are you doing?

352. Hey, are you trying to make me look bad?

353. A-ha!

354. I'm even greater than I thought I was.

355. And now, to fulfill my destiny.

356. Fire!

357. - What the... - We missed!

358. Professor, for saving the Earth and foiling me,

359. I proudly, yet angrily, present you

360. with Earth's new highest honor,

361. the Polluting Medal of Pollution.

362. Thank you.

363. I deserve this.

364. Hey, Professor, now that the Earth's orbit is further from the sun,

365. won't that make the year longer?

366. Why, yes.

367. One week longer, to be exact.

368. In that case I hereby declare it Robot Party Week!

369. Me mind on fire

370. Me soul on fire feeling hot, hot, hot

371. Party people all around me

372. Feeling hot, hot, hot