Futurama 3x1

Directed by Susie Dietter

When the inheritance Bender claims in the Old Country isn't quite what he expected, the Planet Express crew has to find the source of an age-old curse.

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1. Notify his survivors.

2. Mail call!

3. Amy, here's your designer lingerie catalog.

4. Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade.

5. And, Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.

6. You buy one pound of underwear

7. and you're on their list forever.

8. And for Bender, uh-oh, a black-bordered envelope.

9. Oh, no. Someone you know must've died.

10. I hope it was one of my enemies.

11. Those guys suck.

12. Oh, no! My Uncle Vladimir.

13. Oh, I'm sorry, Bender.

14. When's the funeral?

15. Tomorrow, at the family castle.

16. Followed by the reading of his will.

17. Well, I'm rich.

18. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always hated.

19. Come on. It'll be fun.

20. Uh, pardon me, my good simpleton.

21. Could you take us to yon castle?

22. - Castle?

23. Some say unholy things happen up there.

24. For example, all of us say that.

25. Pfft! Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.

26. Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.

27. With all your modern science

28. are you any closer to understanding

29. the mystery of how a robot walks or talks?

30. Yes, you idiot.

31. The circuit diagram is

32. right here on the inside of your case.

33. I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.

34. I will go this far and no further.

35. And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth.

36. Filings to filings, rust to rust.

37. To my loyal butler "you there," for his decades of service,

38. I leave a pittance

39. to be paid in 20 equal installments

40. of 1/20th of a pittance each.

41. To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy,

42. who never learned the value of a dollar,

43. I leave my entire $10 million fortune.

44. Is that a lot?

45. And to my loving nephew Bender,

46. assuming he's not responsible for my death,

47. I leave my castle.

48. Yes! Let's stay there tonight.

49. On condition that he spend one night within its walls.

50. Oh, man, there's always a catch!

51. I get a good vibe from this place.

52. Nice, long, dinner table.

53. Quiet, well-behaved spiders.

54. Graveyard adjacent.

55. Yep, it's going to be...

56. What is it?

57. That painting. The eyes are watching me.

58. Hmm.

59. It has motor eye sensors attached to motion detectors.

60. So does my butt,

61. but I don't frame it and put it on the wall.

62. Although...

63. What's that?

64. I don't know, but it's infectious.

65. No doubt about it, this place is haunted.

66. Don't be silly, mon.

67. The last ghost died over 200 years ago.

68. The last human ghost, but robot ghosts...

69. What does it mean?

70. It's just gibberish.

71. Uncle Vladimir!

72. Come, Bender.

73. You'll like being dead.

74. That's what they said about being alive.

75. - Join us. - Join us.

76. Join us, Bender.

77. Oh, my God!

78. Just as I suspected.

79. These robots were buried in improperly shielded coffins.

80. Their programming leaked into the castle's wiring

81. through this old abandoned modem

82. allowing them to project themselves as holograms.

83. Of course! It was so obvious.

84. Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.

85. We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of.

86. Huh?

87. No!

88. Honk! Honk!

89. - Bender, wake up.

90. He's okay. Quick, does anyone have any liquor?

91. Bender, what happened?

92. Somebody tried to run me over.

93. And not with a normal hover car.

94. It crept along the ground on round rubber feet.

95. Like a wolf.

96. Poor Bender, you're seeing things.

97. You're drinking too much, or too little.

98. I forget how it works with you.

99. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.

100. Maybe he has.

101. - Look at these tracks.

102. I think Bender may be telling the truth.

103. Bender, you look awful.

104. I prescribe makeup.

105. Here. It just so happens I have my Mary Kay sample case.

106. I just need sleep.

107. I had nightmares all night about cars running people over.

108. Many people dream of a fresh new look.

109. And Mary Kay can make those dreams come true.

110. Look at this! They found those same rubbery tracks

111. right here in New New York.

112. There was a hit-and-run by the robot porno theater.

113. Robot porno theater?

114. I was in that general area last night.

115. Whoever ran me down out on the moors

116. must've followed me back here.

117. Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over.

118. Stop being a big hallucinating baby.

119. Yeah? Well, could a big hallucinating baby do this?

120. I'm scared.

121. I don't know which I like more, smashing cars or smashing faces.

122. Well, lucky you don't got to decide tonight.

123. Now, come on, we got church tomorrow.

124. Did you hear something?

125. Nah, it was probably just a golden marmoset.

126. That don't sound like no golden marmoset I ever heard.

127. - Phew! - Made it.

128. So, anyway, what are you wearing tomorrow?

129. Honk! Honk, honk!

130. What the...

131. Transmission fluid?

132. Where have I been?

133. What happened?

134. - Gets out of here, youse lousy bum.

135. Please, I'm scared.

136. We're all scared. It's the human condition.

137. Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy façade?

138. Now, beat it!

139. I passed out around midnight,

140. which is much earlier than usual.

141. And when I woke up, I found these in my chest cabinet.

142. Oh, relax, buddy.

143. You were probably just shooting some big, fuzzy craps.

144. No! I think I may have hurt someone.

145. Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous meltdown.

146. Geez, Bender, you're scaring me. You're going wacko.

147. You're right. I need professional help.

148. And damn the expense.

149. Damn the expense!

150. My friend, you have nothing to worry about

151. except a nightmarish life of unremitting horror.

152. - Phew! - For, you see, you are a were-car.

153. - A were-car?

154. The car that ran you down on the moors was also a were-car.

155. It beamed the virus to you through its demonic headlights.

156. That's crazy.

157. Yes. So crazy that it must be true.

158. Each midnight, when your clock resets to zero,

159. your hardware reconfigures into a murderous four-wheeled car.

160. I can't keep running people over.

161. I'm not famous enough to get away with it.

162. Can't you help me?

163. Yes, but you must be willing to pay a terrible price.

164. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

165. Follow me.

166. According to this ancient "read me" file,

167. your only hope is to destroy the original were-car.

168. - I'm with you. - In its death throes,

169. the dread car will beam out the virus's uninstall program.

170. Thus, ridding you of the curse.

171. And, otherwise, I can never die?

172. Who said that? Sure you can die. You want to die?

173. No! I want to live.

174. There's still too many things I don't own.

175. Then live on, forever cursed.

176. Each night, your attacks will become more gruesome.

177. Until one dark night,

178. you are doomed to kill your dearest friend.

179. I wouldn't want to be me right now.

180. Now, go! Go!

181. Uh, could one of you just...

182. Forget it. I'll just sleep here.

183. There! No rampaging for you tonight.

184. Wouldn't it make more sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?

185. Just relax, Bender.

186. Tomorrow, we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast

187. and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.

188. It will be a rich, full day.

189. Well, good night.

190. I'm going to go make my dinners for the next month and freeze them.

191. Honk! Honk!

192. Honk! Honk!

193. Honk! Honk!

194. Bender, no!

195. Fry, stay back!

196. You jerk!

197. I thought I was your best friend.

198. What kind of two-timing kill mobile are you?

199. Huh?

200. I can't believe this.

201. Bender's supposed to murder his closest friend,

202. which I thought was me, but he went straight for you.

203. He didn't even try to second-degree murder me.

204. Could you give me some help?

205. I think Bender crushed my foot.

206. Stop rubbing it in.

207. Oh, God. Fry, I'm so glad to see you.

208. I didn't hurt you, did I?

209. Not physically.

210. But why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela?

211. I tried to run you over?

212. It was very sweet of you, Bender.

213. Fry, it doesn't mean anything.

214. I have love enough for two.

215. Words, nothing but sweet, sweet words

216. that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears.

217. Enough with the feelings, you two.

218. If we're going to cure Bender, we've got to go back to the castle

219. and hunt down the original were-car.

220. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

221. - Cursed, got it. Whatever.

222. The tracks lead here.

223. Thanks, eagle eye.

224. Now it's daylight, so he should be in robot form.

225. But be careful.

226. Many robots are stupid and violent.

227. I wish I was stupid and violent.

228. Then we'd see what's what.

229. I'd pound him till I...

230. Get ye to your houses, ye ignorant villagers.

231. Hey!

232. We are not ignorant villagers.

233. We're sophisticated New New Yorkers.

234. Whup his butt!

235. Stop! What are ye doing?

236. We're whaling on the original were-car.

237. Which is you, you jerk.

238. Ye think me be he?

239. Sì!

240. Nee. I mean, no.

241. I was given the curse many a year ago

242. while on a bird-watching trip to the Arctic.

243. I was attacked by a vicious motorized sled.

244. The natives called it the Abominable Snowmobile.

245. Yes, it's true.

246. I ran over that bird-watching jerk, and a hundred others.

247. Even my best friend from aromatherapy school.

248. I once had a best friend who liked to smell things with me.

249. Alas, I'm afraid I'm not the original were-car.

250. I received the curse

251. while taking a learning annex class from a famous robot actor.

252. You know him as

253. Calculon!

254. Oh, fate most cruel!

255. Would that my boundless acting skills might avail me a sword

256. with which to slay this wretched curse.

257. Let's kick him some more!

258. No, wait, let me explain.

259. It all began one fateful night a thousand years ago.

260. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're 1,000 years old?

261. Your bio says you're 27.

262. Lies! I change my identity and upgrade my appearance

263. every few decades to avoid suspicion.

264. I was all of history's great acting robots.

265. Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny.

266. Look, are you the original were-car or not?

267. No, but you are nearing the end of your search.

268. For, you see, I was attacked by the original were-car.

269. Give us a name, Macbutt!

270. The year was 2019.

271. And I was just a lowly robot arm

272. working in an automotive research lab.

273. I was working on Project Satan,

274. a savage, intelligent military vehicle

275. built from the most evil parts of the most evil carsin all the world.

276. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car.

277. The left turn signal from Charles Manson's VW.

278. The windshield wipers

279. from that car that played Knight Rider.

280. Knight Rider wasn't evil.

281. His windshield wipers were.

282. It didn't come up much in the show, though. Anyway...

283. Only after bringing Project Satan to life

284. did they discover they had made a horrible mistake.

285. For, you see, it was pure evil.

286. Honk! Honk!

287. So what happened to Project Satan?

288. It's either in Paris, or more likely,

289. still in the abandoned automotive lab.

290. You guys distract the were-car

291. and I'll kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe

292. with this silver potato.

293. Psst! There it is.

294. It looks so unhappy.

295. Excuse me, are you Project Satan?

296. Don't be afraid.

297. We know what you are.

298. You do?

299. Would you like us to put you out of your misery?

300. Misery, what misery?

301. I love killing people.

302. Squishing them till their organs squirt out like chunky mustard.

303. Look, everyone loves killing people.

304. But I don't want to hurt my friends.

305. Oh, no! It's midnight!

306. Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good.

307. Fry, distract him!

308. Hey, Project Satan, over here!

309. I'm a blind pedestrian! 20 points!

310. Oh, no!

311. There's no exhaust pipe.

312. That's right, thanks to Ed Begley, Jr.'s electric motor.

313. The most evil propulsion system ever conceived!

314. Take whichever one you want.

315. Oh, boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.

316. Yes! He chose me.

317. He's trying to kill me.

318. Leela, I'm so happy.

319. Oh, Thanks, Bender.

320. Hey, too tight, too tight!

321. Ooh! Ow!

322. - Whoa!

323. No! No! No!

324. Uh-oh.

325. Bender, you're cured!

326. But what happened to Fry?

327. I must have killed him.

328. He was my best friend, and I killed him.

329. Oh, I never felt so empty inside.

330. Bender, I'm alive!

331. You didn't hurt me at all.

332. But I know you wanted to, and that's what matters.

333. Here's to you.

334. Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard!

335. I'll kill you!

336. I'll kill you, too, buddy.

337. I'll kill you, too.

338. Hey!