1. Captain's log. Stardate,Copy !req
2. National Donut Day.Copy !req
3. We're under attack from
a ship made of solid fire.Copy !req
4. All weapons simply pass through
and come out the other end.Copy !req
5. Like that ball bearing
I once mistook for a mint.Copy !req
6. It's a conundrum, Kif.Copy !req
7. Pray fetch my travel tub.Copy !req
8. I do my best thinking in the shower.Copy !req
9. Could you at least
close the curtain, sir?Copy !req
10. Certainly.Copy !req
11. Lieutenant Kroker!Copy !req
12. You expect me to think without a loofah?Copy !req
13. - Where's my loofah?
- What loofah?Copy !req
14. You! You're the loofah.Copy !req
15. Will you be quiet? I'm trying to think!Copy !req
16. Ah-ha! Water!Copy !req
17. Fire's mortal enemy!Copy !req
18. Lieutenant, fire water.Copy !req
19. What the? Who used up all the water?Copy !req
20. Your shower depleted the
ship's three-year supply, sir.Copy !req
21. Well, no worries.Copy !req
22. I can end this battle with two words.Copy !req
23. "We surrender."Copy !req
24. Sign this certificate of defeat,Copy !req
25. so I can show my mom.Copy !req
26. Kif, my desk.Copy !req
27. I'll just put the old Zapp Hancock on it.Copy !req
28. Big confident dot on the I.Copy !req
29. Oh-ho. You're juicier than I thought, Kif.Copy !req
30. I have had it!Copy !req
31. I'm through putting up with
your... crap!Copy !req
32. I'm filing a formal complaint!Copy !req
33. It's pronounced compliment.Copy !req
34. And now, I am proud to presentCopy !req
35. the monthly Only Good Employee
of the Month Award.Copy !req
36. Yay.Copy !req
37. This month's recipient
has the special distinctionCopy !req
38. of also having won the award
every previous month.Copy !req
39. Do you think it's me?Copy !req
40. Congratulations!Copy !req
41. Well done, Leela.Copy !req
42. You've reached the pinnacle of successCopy !req
43. in the stagnant,
dead-end delivery business.Copy !req
44. You've really hit rock top!Copy !req
45. Thanks, everybody. It's a dream come true.Copy !req
46. A recurring dream.
That I can't wake up from.Copy !req
47. Who wants cake?Copy !req
48. There's one handful left. I'll have it.Copy !req
49. I call this disciplinary hearing to order.Copy !req
50. Captain Brannigan, Lieutenant Kroker has
made some serious,Copy !req
51. though somewhat amusing, allegations.Copy !req
52. Do you have counsel?Copy !req
53. I say, I say, present!Copy !req
54. Lieutenant Kroker, do you have counsel?Copy !req
55. You're representing
both sides in this case?Copy !req
56. Till my wings give out, Your Honor.Copy !req
57. I'm going to allow this.Copy !req
58. Now, Mr. Kroker, please describeCopy !req
59. the horrific treatment you enduredCopy !req
60. at the hands of my innocent
other client there.Copy !req
61. He took a public shower and used me to...Copy !req
62. scrub his armpit.Copy !req
63. It was a joke.Copy !req
64. Literally everyone was laughing
except Kif.Copy !req
65. He insisted on telling me
his fantasies about my wife!Copy !req
66. That was just locker room talk.Copy !req
67. He wore greenface!Copy !req
68. It was a Halloween costume.Copy !req
69. He made me watch him perform
an erotic fan danceCopy !req
70. with a ping-pong paddle
and a no-show sock.Copy !req
71. It was a different time!Copy !req
72. It was yesterday!Copy !req
73. So you admit it!Copy !req
74. Your Honor, I have reached a verdict.Copy !req
75. I find my client, Zapp Brannigan,Copy !req
76. - guilty.
- I'm going to allow this.Copy !req
77. Captain Brannigan,
there is no room in this organizationCopy !req
78. for bullying and harassment.Copy !req
79. Your egregious behavior cannot—Copy !req
80. Why are you massaging me?Copy !req
81. You just seem so tense.Copy !req
82. Also, you should smile more.
You're prettier when you smile.Copy !req
83. See? It's just nicer for everyone.Copy !req
84. It is therefore this court's judgmentCopy !req
85. that you face the ultimate penalty.Copy !req
86. Dating a woman over 35?Copy !req
87. Zapp Brannigan,
you are hereby... canceled.Copy !req
88. The second-worst punishment.Copy !req
89. You will be stripped of your titleCopy !req
90. while you undergo mandatory
sensitivity training.Copy !req
91. And for the duration of your cancellation,Copy !req
92. you shall wear the Scarlet C.Copy !req
93. I object to these
frivolous, paltry charges.Copy !req
94. Frivolous poultry?Copy !req
95. You insult me, sir!Copy !req
96. Who is it? Poop?Copy !req
97. Captain Turanga Leela,Copy !req
98. you put in an application
to be a DOOP pilot?Copy !req
99. Uh, yeah. Like an hour ago.Copy !req
100. You're hired.Copy !req
101. Captain of the Nimbus!Copy !req
102. So you're gonna be
Kif's commanding lobster?Copy !req
103. Negative. Right?Copy !req
104. Affirmative. I'm taking some family leave,Copy !req
105. so I can get bossed around
by someone I like.Copy !req
106. Psst. Stinky needs changing.Copy !req
107. But the DOOP did authorize me
to bring alongCopy !req
108. two trusted crew members.Copy !req
109. A first officer,Copy !req
110. which, in a bold command decision,Copy !req
111. will be Fry.Copy !req
112. Aw, thanks, honey.Copy !req
113. I mean, Captain Honey. Sir.Copy !req
114. And a Chief Science Officer.Copy !req
115. - Professor—
- I, Bender,Copy !req
116. humbly accept
this prestigious appointment.Copy !req
117. Also, it comes with double salary.Copy !req
118. So long and good luck, you three.Copy !req
119. You have been an important part
of the Planet Express family,Copy !req
120. and you'll be greatly missed.Copy !req
121. Next item of business. We have...Copy !req
122. one, two, three office chairs for sale.Copy !req
123. I'm here for the sensitivity training,Copy !req
124. and, uh, also, do you have
a better-looking sister?Copy !req
125. Please go inside and take a seat.Copy !req
126. The training will begin shortly.Copy !req
127. Howdy, cancel mates.Copy !req
128. You wanna know why I got sent here?Copy !req
129. Nope.Copy !req
130. Indecent exposure!Copy !req
131. You all saw it, right?
You wanna see it again?Copy !req
132. I could barely see it the first time.Copy !req
133. What?Copy !req
134. I've seen brighter.Copy !req
135. Yeah, well, it's not about the brightness.Copy !req
136. It's about the color temperature!Copy !req
137. How 'bout you? What did you do?Copy !req
138. Meh, it was total BS.Copy !req
139. Some people "alleged"
I was verbally abusiveCopy !req
140. and threw food at my coworkers.Copy !req
141. I mean, a lot of people, actually.Copy !req
142. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
143. You're obviously not
the type to waste food.Copy !req
144. You should talk, you family-sizedCopy !req
145. bucket of lard-ass!Copy !req
146. Ow!Copy !req
147. That hurt in more ways than one.Copy !req
148. It hurt in two ways.Copy !req
149. Hello, class. 'm Dr. Kind,
your sensitivity instructor.Copy !req
150. Wow, you're ugly.Copy !req
151. Oh! Now, we don't talk that way in here.Copy !req
152. This is a safe space.Copy !req
153. The fact is, sometimes,Copy !req
154. our words hurt other people,Copy !req
155. and we need to be made aware
of how that feels.Copy !req
156. It feels like this!Copy !req
157. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
158. This isn't some woke-ass seminar!Copy !req
159. This course will take the form
of a simulated space mission,Copy !req
160. with me as your abusive captain!Copy !req
161. And you'll learn from the
example I'm not setting!Copy !req
162. Ouch!Copy !req
163. Now, kindly
follow me to the simulator.Copy !req
164. Ooh, careful. There's a step.Copy !req
165. This mission may be simulated,Copy !req
166. but my abuse will be very real.Copy !req
167. Set course for degradation!Copy !req
168. Hm, never been there. Sounds exotic.Copy !req
169. I'm pleased to have a civilian
pilot of your caliber, Leela.Copy !req
170. The DOOP is rebranding to project an imageCopy !req
171. of peaceful exploration rather than war.Copy !req
172. Also, we want to show
we care about lookingCopy !req
173. like we care about hiring women.Copy !req
174. Wow, it's huge!Copy !req
175. It's like a Princess cruise ship
with laser cannons!Copy !req
176. I hope they have a kids' center.Copy !req
177. They don't. But there's a buffet withCopy !req
178. all-you-can-eat week-old sashimi.Copy !req
179. Score!Copy !req
180. LEELA I'm really nervous.Copy !req
181. What if I can't handle this?Copy !req
182. Leela, I know
absolutely nothing,Copy !req
183. but I know one thing.Copy !req
184. You'll be great.Copy !req
185. Nimbus crew, I'm pleased to introduceCopy !req
186. Zapp Brannigan's replacement,Copy !req
187. Captain Turanga Leela.Copy !req
188. At ease, crew.Copy !req
189. I, um, I know I'm nothing
like Zapp Brannigan, but I—Copy !req
190. Dear Captain's Diary.Copy !req
191. If you're not me, don't read this.Copy !req
192. We're preparing to make first contactCopy !req
193. with a primitive civilization.Copy !req
194. Anyway, G2G. TTYL.Copy !req
195. PS, Fry looks cute.Copy !req
196. Captain, it's time to descend
to the planet.Copy !req
197. Have you readied a shuttle-copter?Copy !req
198. I've been thinking about that.Copy !req
199. Maybe we shouldn't intimidate themCopy !req
200. with our advanced technology.Copy !req
201. Hm... Generally,Copy !req
202. I like to intimidate new civilizations,Copy !req
203. but what did you have in mind?Copy !req
204. A bucket on a rope.Copy !req
205. Sorry you can't come, Bender.Copy !req
206. Your robot technology might scare them.Copy !req
207. Safe travels.Copy !req
208. This was a clever idea, Captain.Copy !req
209. See, Leela? You're doing great.Copy !req
210. Hope my robot technology
isn't scaring you.Copy !req
211. And now, to stop it.Copy !req
212. Hello! We are people from the
sky who come in peace.Copy !req
213. They speak Tactillian.Copy !req
214. Ah!Copy !req
215. I am Airee, Quing of Planet Tactillia.Copy !req
216. For centuries, we have wonderedCopy !req
217. if we are alone in the universe.Copy !req
218. But now, we know intelligent life exists,Copy !req
219. flying among the stars in a bucket.Copy !req
220. Welcome.Copy !req
221. The bucket people have
unusual bodies, oh Quing.Copy !req
222. They have fewer knobs, but not none!Copy !req
223. Hey! Just 'cause I'm wearing
a short skirt.Copy !req
224. No means no.Copy !req
225. Blech! What are you doing? Stop that!Copy !req
226. Captain! Respect their customs!Copy !req
227. We need to win the hearts
and knobs of these people.Copy !req
228. But they're so grabby. Oops!Copy !req
229. Whee!Copy !req
230. Um... Quing Airee,Copy !req
231. we have important matters to discuss,Copy !req
232. but it may be difficult.Copy !req
233. Our civilizations are at very
different levels of technology.Copy !req
234. No kidding. You traveled in a bucket.Copy !req
235. - Actually, that was—
- We have much to teach you.Copy !req
236. Brush harder, tubby!Copy !req
237. You can't yell at me.
You're on your short arms.Copy !req
238. I yell at any height I want!Copy !req
239. You! Brush your teeth!Copy !req
240. I don't have teeth.Copy !req
241. Then brush my teeth!Copy !req
242. Damn, those are nice—Copy !req
243. Whoa!Copy !req
244. You all think
you've humiliated your crews.Copy !req
245. You ain't seen nothin'.Copy !req
246. I'm gonna do something so degradingCopy !req
247. that you'll never be the same!Copy !req
248. I'm going to take a shower...
right here on the bridge!Copy !req
249. You sicken me.Copy !req
250. If you're wondering how our civilizationCopy !req
251. - became so advanced...
- We're not, but—Copy !req
252. it's because we learned to
harness pneumatic technology.Copy !req
253. All the sophisticated machinery you seeCopy !req
254. is powered by air.Copy !req
255. I've heard of air.Copy !req
256. This is our main air power plant.Copy !req
257. The air blows through
high-pressure transmission lines,Copy !req
258. so our citizens can power their appliancesCopy !req
259. and inflate their meals.Copy !req
260. I'm fascinated by all this wonderful air.Copy !req
261. Where does it come from?Copy !req
262. I'm glad you asked.Copy !req
263. Behold!Copy !req
264. Oh no, wait. Hang on.Copy !req
265. Behold!Copy !req
266. The Great Blow Hole!Copy !req
267. Fresh from the hole.Copy !req
268. Whoa!Copy !req
269. This is kinda fun.Copy !req
270. Get out of our air!Copy !req
271. This is an amazingCopy !req
272. natural resource, Quing Airee.Copy !req
273. You should do everything
in your power to protect it.Copy !req
274. Uh, Leela, a word.Copy !req
275. I may not have told you
everything about this mission.Copy !req
276. These people are lovely and whatever.Copy !req
277. It's debatable.Copy !req
278. - We're really here for the air.
- What?Copy !req
279. The whole core of
this planet is frozen gas.Copy !req
280. It's like a slot machine
that keeps paying out air!Copy !req
281. That sounds like a really boring casino.Copy !req
282. Have you been to space, Leela?Copy !req
283. Not a lotta air out there,Copy !req
284. and what we do have is, like, 50% burp.Copy !req
285. Which is why you must get them
to sign this treatyCopy !req
286. granting us air rights.Copy !req
287. So,Copy !req
288. this peace mission
isn't really about peace?Copy !req
289. Who said it's not about peace?Copy !req
290. It's entirely about peace.Copy !req
291. Also, air.Copy !req
292. Leela, sometimes
we coerce people with war.Copy !req
293. Other times, we take the high roadCopy !req
294. and trick them with peace.Copy !req
295. Excuse me.Copy !req
296. It is my great pleasureCopy !req
297. to sign this peace treaty
with Captain LeelaCopy !req
298. and her big bucket of space friends.Copy !req
299. Tradition dictates that the parties beginCopy !req
300. with the ritual knobbling.Copy !req
301. Uh...Copy !req
302. Our captain will gladly
engage in the knobbling.Copy !req
303. I will? I'd rather not.Copy !req
304. I said knobble!Copy !req
305. Blech!Copy !req
306. It's starting to get real ripe in here.Copy !req
307. No offense, but could it
possibly be all the food you threw?Copy !req
308. Let's find out.Copy !req
309. - Ow.
- Man. It does stink.Copy !req
310. It's like rotten flesh
floating in a puddle of vomit.Copy !req
311. You wish.Copy !req
312. It's a durian!Copy !req
313. No.Copy !req
314. Noooo!Copy !req
315. What's a durian, by the way?Copy !req
316. Earth's most putrid yet delicious fruit.Copy !req
317. So refreshing after a public shower.Copy !req
318. My God. It actually has stink lines.Copy !req
319. Tough it out, snowflake!Copy !req
320. Now you see how you've
demoralized your own crews!Copy !req
321. Crews you expect
to follow you into battle!Copy !req
322. At least with me in charge,
they don't suffer long.Copy !req
323. Let's see how well you fight
under these conditions.Copy !req
324. Crew to simulated battle stations!Copy !req
325. Captain Cranky! 90 degrees to starboard!Copy !req
326. Shields up, Flashnut!Copy !req
327. Fire simulated missile, you fat moron!Copy !req
328. So mean.Copy !req
329. That simulated ship
looks a bit like my real ship,Copy !req
330. the Nimbus.Copy !req
331. Yes! Direct hit!Copy !req
332. Now, who's the fat, incontinent moron?Copy !req
333. Hey, man, that's catchy!Copy !req
334. What song is that playing
on the emergency siren?Copy !req
335. It's the emergency siren!
We're under attack!Copy !req
336. Ah! I'm getting outta here!Copy !req
337. We need this treaty, Leela.Copy !req
338. Act like a captain
and start fondling knobs.Copy !req
339. On behalf of
the Democratic Order of Planets,Copy !req
340. it is my honor to, respectfully,Copy !req
341. grope your slimy...Copy !req
342. I can't do it.Copy !req
343. Something just seems inappropriate.Copy !req
344. Possibly this thing.Copy !req
345. What a marvelous bucket.Copy !req
346. Jumping Judas.Copy !req
347. I've never seen a simulation so realistic.Copy !req
348. Is it "okay" to hit on a simulation?Copy !req
349. What is the meaning of this?Copy !req
350. I thought I canceled all four of you!Copy !req
351. Yes, but I hijacked this shipCopy !req
352. after hog-tying your pathetic
sensitivity instructor!Copy !req
353. It was a teachable moment.Copy !req
354. So, our ship was real?Copy !req
355. And the simulation was simulated?Copy !req
356. No one cancels Dr. Gary Kind.Copy !req
357. - Who's the tall short guy?
- Dr. Gary Kind,Copy !req
358. one of the DOOP's most notorious gropers.Copy !req
359. A groper?Copy !req
360. Now, this gentleman's a diplomat.Copy !req
361. You messed with the wrong
doctor of botanical science.Copy !req
362. But I have with me a bio-weaponCopy !req
363. of inconceivable power!Copy !req
364. He's got something in his jacket!Copy !req
365. And so do I!Copy !req
366. Jeez. How many more durians
does this guy have?Copy !req
367. One. Enough to befoul
this planet's air supplyCopy !req
368. for centuries!Copy !req
369. Gary, put down the durian.Copy !req
370. We swore never to use those in peacetime.Copy !req
371. Bender to Leela! The Nimbus
came under attack about an hour ago!Copy !req
372. I probably should have called earlier.Copy !req
373. Be on the lookout for a small gunshipCopy !req
374. about yea big from a million miles away.Copy !req
375. Captain Leela, command the
Nimbus to fire on Dr. Kind.Copy !req
376. But, he's surroundedCopy !req
377. by those poor innocent pervs.Copy !req
378. They might get hurt.Copy !req
379. What a wimp!Copy !req
380. Captains need to be ruthless.Copy !req
381. Women belong in the kitchen,Copy !req
382. fixing me a sweet durian pie.Copy !req
383. That's an offensive stereotype.Copy !req
384. Leela's terrible at baking.Copy !req
385. Your eight-hour
sensitivity trainingCopy !req
386. is complete.Copy !req
387. Please deposit meCopy !req
388. in the nearest recycling bin.Copy !req
389. No chance.Copy !req
390. Zapp Brannigan, having completed
your rehabilitation,Copy !req
391. I hereby reinstate you
as Captain of the Nimbus.Copy !req
392. Order your ship to fire!Copy !req
393. Uh, thank you, Glab,Copy !req
394. but, uh, I'm not sure I can do that.Copy !req
395. Dr. Kind taught me a lot.Copy !req
396. That's wonderful!Copy !req
397. I now know there's a difference
between right and wrong.Copy !req
398. One of them gets you canceled.Copy !req
399. See what you get with PC culture?Copy !req
400. Weak captains too cowardly to
shoot the helpless!Copy !req
401. Ah, what a beautiful nightCopy !req
402. for smell-gazing.Copy !req
403. You should have shot meCopy !req
404. before I destroyed your precious air!Copy !req
405. If I were captain, I'd have
fired without a second thought!Copy !req
406. Your eight-hour
sensitivity trainingCopy !req
407. is complete.Copy !req
408. Please deposit me...Copy !req
409. Dr. Kind, having completed
your rehabilitation,Copy !req
410. I name you Captain of the
Nimbus. Order your ship to—Copy !req
411. Fire!Copy !req
412. Leela, you're a hero!Copy !req
413. Quing Airee, I am now prepared to knobble.Copy !req
414. Don't mind the durian.Copy !req
415. I declare the groping optional.
Where do I sign?Copy !req
416. In conclusion,Copy !req
417. I sincerely apologizeCopy !req
418. to all those I've harmed.Copy !req
419. Especially Kif Kroker,Copy !req
420. the giant sex ladies of Amazonia,Copy !req
421. simulated Leela,Copy !req
422. and, of course, the late Dr. Kind.Copy !req
423. Yeah, baby!Copy !req
424. Move! This ceremony is for Leela.Copy !req
425. Captain Leela, havingCopy !req
426. heroically secured
our supply of space air,Copy !req
427. I present you the DOOP's highest honor,Copy !req
428. the Medal of Valor.Copy !req
429. It's pronounced velour.Copy !req
430. Your refusal to shoot
unarmed civilians when orderedCopy !req
431. was an inspiration to us all,Copy !req
432. as well as grounds for
a dishonorable discharge!Copy !req
433. What do you think this is,
the Peace Corps? Get out!Copy !req
434. I guess I just don't have what
it takes to be a DOOP captain.Copy !req
435. No, you have something better.Copy !req
436. You have what it takes to be Leela.Copy !req
437. Yum. Durian!Copy !req
438. May I slurp your cheek clean
with my tendrils?Copy !req
439. Eh, sure. And thanks for asking first.Copy !req
440. Ew, blech!Copy !req
441. But also yum.Copy !req