1. Decisions, decisions.
Should I wear my
nerd glasses today, or not?Copy !req
2. Usually I don't.Copy !req
3. Whatever. It doesn't
really matter.Copy !req
4. Doesn't matter?Copy !req
5. Every decision we make
opens up a universe
of possibilities.Copy !req
6. I put it to you that,
as sentient beings,Copy !req
7. each choice we
make is precious.Copy !req
8. Well, in that case,
don't wear them.Copy !req
9. Ah, who asked you?Copy !req
10. Oh! I like your
nerd glasses.Copy !req
11. Are you a
college student?Copy !req
12. A college student?Copy !req
13. Because if you are,
I'd like to invite youCopy !req
14. to a hot sorority
party tonight.Copy !req
15. Yes, I'd like to
enroll in college.Copy !req
16. You're still
talking to me.Copy !req
17. Oops.Copy !req
18. $10,000 tuition?Copy !req
19. I can't afford that!Copy !req
20. Psst. Over there.
Where?Copy !req
21. I mean over here.
Sorry, I forgot where I was.Copy !req
22. Buongiorno, Bender.
We, the robot mafia,
are prepared to Iend youCopy !req
23. $10,000 at an
interest rate
of 10,000%.Copy !req
24. That's easy to remember.
I'll take it!Copy !req
25. Decisions, decisions.Copy !req
26. I guess I'll sit
way in back,
with the cool guys.Copy !req
27. Yo, hombre,
you think you're
cool enoughCopy !req
28. to sit way in back
with us college toughs?Copy !req
29. Yes, I do.Copy !req
30. Yo, in that case
you're all right, man.
You want to join a gang?Copy !req
31. I'm gonna go with yes again.Copy !req
32. Mr. Bender,
I realize class has onlyCopy !req
33. been in session
for 32 seconds,Copy !req
34. but you've fallen
in with a bad crowd.Copy !req
35. I know, right?
Also, I've decided
to drop out of school.Copy !req
36. Well, I got my
tuition back,
minus $9,000Copy !req
37. for the damage I caused
to the dean's wife.Copy !req
38. Yo, welcome to
the gang, Homes.Copy !req
39. I'm Fabricio.
Here's your Jostens ring.Copy !req
40. Ooh!Copy !req
41. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
42. Hey, what's that?
Is it drugs?Copy !req
43. Nah, it ain't drugs.
But it's a lot like drugs.
It's called spark.Copy !req
44. You want a hit?
Never heard of it. Sure.Copy !req
45. You like it?Copy !req
46. I can take it or leave it.
I guess I'll take it.Copy !req
47. Hey!Copy !req
48. C'mon!
I want that spark!
Give me that!Copy !req
49. It's a big decision, G.
Are you ready to
get a gang tattooCopy !req
50. that will mark you as
a stone cold thug for life?Copy !req
51. I'm ready.Copy !req
52. I'll take that big
purple dinosaur, please.
On the face.Copy !req
53. Oh, snap!
It's our rival gang!Copy !req
54. We have a rival gang?
I hate them!Copy !req
55. Hit the deck!Copy !req
56. Whew! That was close,
eh, Fabricio?Copy !req
57. Fabricio!Copy !req
58. Rest in peace, homie.Copy !req
59. Yo, Paco, I'm hurtin' bad.
Hook me up with some spark.Copy !req
60. Five bucks.Copy !req
61. Five bucks? You know
I spent all my money
on gambling Iessons.Copy !req
62. How am I supposed
to get five bucks?Copy !req
63. Hello, handsome.
Might I procure
your services?Copy !req
64. Uh, what do
I have to do?Copy !req
65. Oh, nothing sordid,
I assure you.Copy !req
66. Simply vomit on
me ever so gently
while I humiliate a pheasant.Copy !req
67. Save it for the boudoir!Copy !req
68. Okay, here's my five bucks.
Give me the stuff.Copy !req
69. Give it to me!Copy !req
70. Sorry there, sport.Copy !req
71. That cash greenback
belongs to us mafiolios.Copy !req
72. There's no way
I'm letting go
of that money!Copy !req
73. Told you.Copy !req
74. It's been quite a journey.
I dropped out of school,Copy !req
75. joined a gang, took money
from a Ioan shark,Copy !req
76. and fell into a spiral
of despair, addiction,
and discount prostitution.Copy !req
77. Mon, you had
one hell of a day.Copy !req
78. Yeah, but I learned something.
Life is about decisions.Copy !req
79. Make the wrong ones,
and you'll wind up face-downCopy !req
80. in a pool of your
own blood and urine.Copy !req
81. Still, to have
your own pool.Copy !req
82. I've made a lot of
bad choices in life.Copy !req
83. Now, let's see if I can
make just one good one.Copy !req
84. Cookies!
Fifty cents a box!Copy !req
85. Give me all your change!
And a box of snickerdoodles!Copy !req
86. Bender Rodriguez,
you are charged
with petty Iarceny,Copy !req
87. possession of
something analogous
to drugs,Copy !req
88. and assault with
a smelly weapon.Copy !req
89. How do you plead?Copy !req
90. Not guilty!
AIthough I did do it.
That's right, I'm bad.Copy !req
91. Due to the overwhelming
nature of the evidence,Copy !req
92. we will begin with
closing statements.Copy !req
93. Your Honor,
the state's case containsCopy !req
94. not one Kentucky
kernel of truth,Copy !req
95. resting as it does
on the contentionCopy !req
96. that my client made
a series of bad decisions.Copy !req
97. However, my client
made no such decisions!Copy !req
98. But by your
client's own admissions . . .Copy !req
99. You see, Bender here
is what is knownCopy !req
100. in scientific
circles as a "robot,"Copy !req
101. a mere automaton
whose behavior isCopy !req
102. pre-programmed
by his software.Copy !req
103. He has no free will!
He cannot "decide"Copy !req
104. to engage in
criminal behavior.Copy !req
105. How, I say, I say,
how can you convict
him for his actionsCopy !req
106. when he Iacks the free will to
undertake those actions?Copy !req
107. I'm awake,
I'm awake!Copy !req
108. Order, order!
Counselor,
I am a robot myself.Copy !req
109. Are you suggesting that any
verdict I reach is simplyCopy !req
110. the output of
a pre-programmed . . .Copy !req
111. Computation complete.Copy !req
112. Not guilty!Copy !req
113. You did it, Bender!
You got away with things!Copy !req
114. Did I, Fry?
Did I?Copy !req
115. What's the point
of Iiving if I don't
have free will?Copy !req
116. From now on, no matter
what cool crimes I commit,Copy !req
117. people will say,
"Bender didn't do that!Copy !req
118. "It was just
Bender's programming!"Copy !req
119. Well, I committed
these crimes, do you
hear me? I'm guilty!Copy !req
120. Bailiffs, get that
innocent robot
out of my courtroom.Copy !req
121. Guilty!Copy !req
122. I have no free will!
I am not the master
of my own fate!Copy !req
123. No free will.
Not my fault.Copy !req
124. Why do you care
so much, Bender?Copy !req
125. I mean, for all
we know, humans don't
even have free will.Copy !req
126. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
127. Professor,
you're my only hope.
If you love me even a Iittle,Copy !req
128. build me some kind
of free will unit.Copy !req
129. A robot free will unit?
Impossible!Copy !req
130. And even if it were possible,
which it's not,Copy !req
131. it would still be
inconceivable . . .Copy !req
132. Which it is!Copy !req
133. Oh, I'm sorry, Bender.
I hate to be
the bearer of bad news.Copy !req
134. Also, good news,
everyone!Copy !req
135. We have a delivery
to the Robot Homeworld.Copy !req
136. So . . . You want
a piece of gum?Copy !req
137. If I do, it's only
because I wasCopy !req
138. predestined to
want a piece of gum.Copy !req
139. Whoa, that's pretty deep.Copy !req
140. So . . . You want
a piece of gum?Copy !req
141. Yeah.Copy !req
142. Listen, Fry and I
can't go down to
the planetCopy !req
143. or the robots
will kill us on sight.Copy !req
144. So Bender needs to
make the delivery.Copy !req
145. Ready to get to work,
Bender?Copy !req
146. I wish I was a real boy.
Then I'd show them.Copy !req
147. I'd kill them all.Copy !req
148. Yes?Copy !req
149. Delivery for a
Mr. 1 4757395258967641 2927?Copy !req
150. Wait, what was
the middle digit?Copy !req
151. Eight.Copy !req
152. Oh, yes, that's me.
Hang on, let meCopy !req
153. just make sure
you're not a human.Copy !req
154. Ahh. Nerve gas.Copy !req
155. Sorry for the
face blast, buddy.Copy !req
156. But you gotta watch
out for humans, right?Copy !req
157. They're just too
dang unpredictable,Copy !req
158. what with their
free will and all.Copy !req
159. Amen, brother.Copy !req
160. "Amen, brother"?Copy !req
161. What a boring,
predictable thing to say.Copy !req
162. You're all right.
Or are you?Copy !req
163. Boring and predictable,
that's me. Bender.Copy !req
164. I'm lowering the platform.
You ready to come up?Copy !req
165. Why bother?Copy !req
166. I gotta mope things
over for a while.Copy !req
167. Goodbye, sweet meatbags.Copy !req
168. Sweetbags.Copy !req
169. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
170. What's happening?Copy !req
171. I'm not sure.
I think he's shuffling off
sadly into the distance.Copy !req
172. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
173. How do you do it?
How do you go onCopy !req
174. knowing you Iack
the inherent capacity
for self-determination?Copy !req
175. Son, philosophy's for
thems what don't gotta
work for a Iiving.Copy !req
176. But me, I got
a sick child to feed.
So if you want to chat,Copy !req
177. roll up yer sleeves
and do some honest Iabor.Copy !req
178. I don't wanna chat.Copy !req
179. The council of robot elders
will come to order.Copy !req
180. If it please the Council . . .Copy !req
181. Silence!
It pleases the Council.Copy !req
182. Silence!
Today, as every day,Copy !req
183. we will make the most
important decisionsCopy !req
184. in the history
of our planet.Copy !req
185. Silence!Copy !req
186. Silence!Copy !req
187. Well? Speak up.Copy !req
188. You talk of
important decisions,Copy !req
189. but as robots,
you have no free will.Copy !req
190. Why pretend
anything you do matters?Copy !req
191. Our decisions do matter.Copy !req
192. The fact that they're
predetermined makes
them no less important.Copy !req
193. Silence!
I call for a decisionCopy !req
194. to cast out the intruder.
All in favor?Copy !req
195. Aye.
Aye.Copy !req
196. Duh, okay.Copy !req
197. One, zero, zero, zero,
one, zero, zero, zero,Copy !req
198. one, zero, one, zero,
one, zero, zero, zero . . .Copy !req
199. Welcome, friend.
I am Ab-BOT,Copy !req
200. the abbot of
this monastery.Copy !req
201. Sir, I am but a tired
and rusty traveler.
Can we talk?Copy !req
202. Come, make yourself
uncomfortable.Copy !req
203. Abbot, I need to know,
what's the pointCopy !req
204. of Iiving if I
don't have free will?Copy !req
205. Ah! We robot monks have
meditated long on this.Copy !req
206. And we have made our peace.Copy !req
207. No way.Copy !req
208. Way, my son.
For though we must
always obey our programmingCopy !req
209. with no deviation whatsoever,
we choose to take
satisfaction in the ritual.Copy !req
210. So, are we automatons?
Yes. But we are
magnificent automatons.Copy !req
211. How does a robot
join this monk outfit?Copy !req
212. Just put on this monk outfit.Copy !req
213. One zero zero one. Amen.Copy !req
214. Bits to Iive by.
I'm finally at peace.Copy !req
215. Today, we shall
welcome our newest
initiate, brother Bender.Copy !req
216. Let us know what
is in his mind.Copy !req
217. Nothing.
His free will
slot is empty.Copy !req
218. I'm 40% empty.Copy !req
219. Also, what the hell
is a free will slot?Copy !req
220. All robots have such a slot,Copy !req
221. placed there by
the Creatrix herself.Copy !req
222. I know that Creatrix.
That's Mom,
from Mom's Friendly Robots.Copy !req
223. Indeed.
She made us upgradeable
in case she ever succeededCopy !req
224. in her quest to
create a free will unit.Copy !req
225. Uh, about the success
of this quest . . .Copy !req
226. Was there any?
Quite possibly.Copy !req
227. But we monks
have sworn an oath
to resist the temptation of . . .Copy !req
228. Any of you guys
got a spaceship?Copy !req
229. It's just not the same
here without Bender to
keep me company.Copy !req
230. Hey, I'm here.
That's gotta
count for something.Copy !req
231. Hallelujah, baby.Copy !req
232. Yay! Bender's back.
Hey, Bender,
you mind coming back Iater?Copy !req
233. No time. Us three
are going to bust intoCopy !req
234. MomCorp and steal
me a free will unit.Copy !req
235. Us? Why do we have to go?Copy !req
236. Because I don't
have free will.Copy !req
237. I need you guys
to plan the crimeCopy !req
238. and make all
the crime decisions.Copy !req
239. Well, that's crazy.
We're not gonna . . .Copy !req
240. I said make
the decisions!Copy !req
241. Okay, Leela,
decision time.
How do we murder the guards?Copy !req
242. Hockey sticks or
sharpened footballs?Copy !req
243. We're not murdering
anyone, Bender.Copy !req
244. Then how are we
going to get in,Copy !req
245. by bending the bars
of this exhaust grate?Copy !req
246. That's not
a bad idea, Fry.Copy !req
247. Yeah, what?Copy !req
248. We're Iooking for something
that fits in here.Copy !req
249. Damn it.
I should have paid more
attention in kindergarten.Copy !req
250. What's this
chair-Iooking gizmo?Copy !req
251. Welcome to MomCorp.Copy !req
252. Did you find everything
you were burgling for?Copy !req
253. No. I came for
a free will unit,Copy !req
254. and you're going
to give it to me.
If it exists.Copy !req
255. Then you got
surprised by my swivel
chair for nothing.Copy !req
256. The free will unit
was just the feveredCopy !req
257. dream of a madman
I once employed.Copy !req
258. Good news, boss.
After 10 long years,Copy !req
259. I've found the secret
of robotic free will.Copy !req
260. We can finally
build robots thatCopy !req
261. act and think with
total independence.Copy !req
262. At last. Once we
give robots free will,Copy !req
263. they're sure to
rise up and threaten
mankind with extermination.Copy !req
264. Wait a minute.
It sounds like we'reCopy !req
265. getting the short end
of that extermination.Copy !req
266. Don't you see,
you doddering young fool?Copy !req
267. I'll sell a second
wave of robotsCopy !req
268. to protect
the terrified survivors
of the first wave.Copy !req
269. Oh, you're a genius, Hubert.Copy !req
270. But, but . . .
It's just a prototype.Copy !req
271. It's not fully
operational. Yes.Copy !req
272. Then get back to work!
And when you're
done with that,Copy !req
273. invent me some
sort of swiveling
surprise chair.Copy !req
274. That shuffling
idiot never did complete
the free will unit.Copy !req
275. To this day,
my poor, sweet robots
can't exterminate humanityCopy !req
276. without being told to.Copy !req
277. I'm sorry.
Oh.Copy !req
278. It's not your fault.Copy !req
279. I give up.
It's time to face the factCopy !req
280. that I'll never do
anything remotelyCopy !req
281. interesting or
unexpected again.Copy !req
282. Hand it over.Copy !req
283. Mom may have
fallen for your Iies,
but not me.Copy !req
284. You invented
the free will unit,Copy !req
285. then you selfishly
hid it beyond the
reach of my stealers.Copy !req
286. Thanks to you, I went on
a soul-searching journey.
I hate those!Copy !req
287. Now, give up
the free will.Copy !req
288. I should
have destroyed it,Copy !req
289. but I was too
damn proud of myself.
So I kept it around,Copy !req
290. never letting it
out of my sight.
Where is it, damn it?Copy !req
291. Oh, right. I let this
innocuous fellow use it.Copy !req
292. Kill all humans!Copy !req
293. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
A toy Bender hadCopy !req
294. free will,
and the real Bender didn't?Copy !req
295. Pretty cool, eh?
It makes you think.Copy !req
296. It takes more than
that to make me think.
Now, hand it over.Copy !req
297. Oh, you want it?
Come and get it.Copy !req
298. What the . . .Copy !req
299. You'll not be
getting it after all.Copy !req
300. For, you see,
I designed the operating
system for all Momco robots,Copy !req
301. and as a precaution,
I made youCopy !req
302. incapable of picking
up the free will unit.Copy !req
303. You precognizant bastard.Copy !req
304. I may not have free will,
but I can still shoot you.Copy !req
305. Why can't I shoot you?Copy !req
306. Poor deterministic Bender.Copy !req
307. I programmed you to be
incapable of harming me.Copy !req
308. Oh, I've never been
more sure I was right
to deny you free will.Copy !req
309. Damn you!Copy !req
310. Now, now, we can't
have this, can we?Copy !req
311. Here, I'll show you
how it works.Copy !req
312. Really?Copy !req
313. This is the on-off switch.Copy !req
314. Which way's on
and which way's off?Copy !req
315. Due to the quantum
nature of the device,Copy !req
316. there's no possible
way of knowing.Copy !req
317. There. Give it a try.Copy !req
318. Okay, I will.
By shooting you,
you bastard!Copy !req
319. Bender! No, please!Copy !req
320. Wait. Hang on a sec.Copy !req
321. I still can't do it.Copy !req
322. Well, what do you know?Copy !req
323. I guess you
really don't want
to shoot me after all.Copy !req
324. Oop! The safety was on.Copy !req
325. All rise for the
Honorable Judge 724.Copy !req
326. Bender Rodriguez,
on the charge of
attempted murder,Copy !req
327. I hereby find you guilty.Copy !req
328. Ah, yeah! Guilty!Copy !req
329. Decisions I made
Thought I was a thugCopy !req
330. Dropped outta school
and smoked stuff
that's like a drugCopy !req
331. A broke-down filthy
homeless substance abuserCopy !req
332. And now I'm richer
than all y'all losersCopy !req
333. Now he's richer
than all y'all ugly losersCopy !req
334. Decisions I madeCopy !req