Futurama 7x4

1. As the curtain rises on our verisimilitudinous tableau,

2. you're no doubt curious as to why I tricked you all

3. into hang gliding here.

4. Close-up.

5. It seems someone in this room is a murderer.

6. It's me. But the real question is,

7. which of you is the victim?

8. And that secret I shall take to my grave.

9. Calculon, no!

10. Now, that's acting.

11. Calculon really Shatnered the hell out of that scene.

12. Hey, anyone want to go to the aquarium?

13. They got a new non-biting otter.

14. Sounds great! Non-biting otter!

15. Wow. Aquariums have really changed since I was a boy

16. and no one ever took me to them.

17. Where's the glass?

18. There isn't any. The water's held in place by gravity fields

19. so there's nothing for kids to smear yogurt on.

20. I like strawberry yogurt. Can I touch the water?

21. I wouldn't, but I'm smart.

22. Ahhh!

23. Help. Police.

24. Neat.

25. Welcome to Jurassic Tank.

26. Picture time. Everybody get together.

27. Hang on, I need a tripod. Let me just extend the old third Ieg.

28. Ooh, yeah. That's stable, baby. Just need to pick a Iens.

29. Let's see, zoom Iens?

30. Nope.

31. They Live Iens?

32. Eh . . . So-so.

33. Twilight Zone one-minute-in-the-future Iens?

34. Ooh, Calculon's going to be here. Better get my camera ready.

35. Just take the damn picture.

36. Let me just adjust the focus, F-stop, shutter speed.

37. Oops! Out of film. Hang on.

38. Seriously.

39. Film? Who uses film?

40. We've had digital cameras for a thousand years.

41. Digital?

42. No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain of good old film.

43. How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras.

44. And where can you possibly get film developed nowadays?

45. Right here.

46. You're Iooking at the last chemical darkroom in existence.

47. Hey, Bender, isn't that Calculon?

48. Calculon? No way!

49. Oh! Oh! Oh!

50. Yo, Calky! I'm a big fan, and I've got a big camera.

51. Can I get a big picture?

52. Well, I was just airbrushed this morning, so all right.

53. But make it snappy.

54. That Iooked staged.

55. Try one where you're pretending to swing a tennis racquet.

56. Okay, okay, that's enough.

57. I'm trying to enjoy a nice day out

58. with the actors who play my TV family.

59. These rare and fascinating deep-sea fish

60. are extremely sensitive to Iight.

61. Over here, Calculon! Come on, smile. Quit blinking. Red eye.

62. BIurry. Lens cap's still on.

63. Oh! We finally eluded that obnoxious shutterbug.

64. At last, we can enjoy our studio-mandated quality time.

65. Argh! I can't not work like this.

66. I'll be in my day-off trailer.

67. And I took this one inside the ichthyosaur's stomach.

68. Man, I've never had anyone try so hard to digest me.

69. Look, we've all been in a sea monster's stomach.

70. But did you get any pictures of the Calculon?

71. Yeah, but a true photo buff wouldn't even use these for toilet paper.

72. Not if curtains were available.

73. You're too hard on yourself, robot.

74. These pictures are just as good

75. as the ones in my celebrity tabloid.

76. Us People Magazine?

77. That's total trash.

78. Total celebrity trash.

79. My inquiring organ wants to know.

80. If you ask me,

81. Bender should go to Us People's office in Hollywood

82. and see if they'd like his Calculon pictures.

83. I have no time for such foolishness.

84. Well, I changed my mind and came to Hollywood after all.

85. Bender, these shots of Calculon are great.

86. In fact, you might just have what it takes to be a paparazzo.

87. Namely, a camera.

88. Shut up. I know it.

89. Wait, a what's-a-whatzo?

90. A paparazzo. You know, a celebrity photographer.

91. But it's not for everyone.

92. You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth,

93. Ioiter in dark alleys behind seedy nightclubs

94. and get spat on by the beautiful people.

95. Hmm, I don't know. How much will it cost me?

96. You misunderstand, Bender. We'll pay you.

97. Sir, you just hired yourself a new what's-a-whatzo.

98. Listen up, gang, I'd like to introduce you to Bender,

99. the newest member of our paparazzo family.

100. Nice to meet you. And even though it's only my first day,

101. I want you all to know that I'm already better than you.

102. Stay out of my way!

103. I'm back, Crab Dip. What you watching?

104. Only a documentary about the greatest actor in the world.

105. Ah, yes, Calculon.

106. I happened to snap a picture of him

107. taking some time with his biggest fan.

108. No, not that scene-chewing ham.

109. I said the greatest actor, Langdon Cobb. Let's rewind, shall we?

110. Langdon Cobb, the most acclaimed actor of his generation.

111. Why's he wearing a bag on his head?

112. They're explaining that right now.

113. Let's rewind again.

114. most acclaimed actor of his generation.

115. He's raked in seven Academy Awards for best actor

116. and two for best actress,

117. all without ever removing his trademark bag.

118. Mr. Cobb, you're an intensely private man.

119. Quite right. Mmm-hmm.

120. And though billions of people have seen your work . . . Mmm-hmm.

121. . . .no one has ever seen your face.

122. So tell us, why the bag?

123. Ah, yes, the bag. I've never understood people's fascination with that.

124. The point is, I'm an actor and nothing more.

125. I have no interest in being admired

126. for something as inconsequential

127. as my appearance or my personal life.

128. All that truly matters is the process.

129. Whether playing a beloved historical figure.

130. For Rigel 7 and all mankind!

131. Or a Victorian circus freak...

132. I want to see the real you.

133. No, Daisy, don't!

134. I tried to warn you. I'm hideous.

135. To me, you're beautiful.

136. Langdon Cobb's acting is always in the bag.

137. Truly, his is the most famous face in Hollywood.

138. Even if no one's ever photographed it, nor ever will.

139. Once again, television has given me a reason to Iive.

140. A photo of Langdon Cobb without his bag? Impossible.

141. He's got a 50-foot-high force field around his house.

142. One 60-foot Iadder, please.

143. Oh!

144. What are you, some kind of attack fungus?

145. Or just a moldy schnauzer?

146. Oh, God, please let this tacky Hollywood mansion

147. have the obligatory . . . Yes! Tuscan-inspired pergola!

148. Peace out, Portobello.

149. Thank you, Leroy.

150. I'm going to relax by the fire with my bag off,

151. so that will be all for the night.

152. By your command.

153. Come to paparazzo.

154. Gotcha! No!

155. Please, sir, I implore you, destroy that photo of me.

156. It's not just my privacy I've been protecting all these years.

157. If you show anyone that picture,

158. there will be terrible consequences.

159. The only thing terrible is going to be my bank account.

160. Wait. Say that again, but say, "Tremendous consequences."

161. If it's money you're after, I'll pay whatever you ask.

162. Just promise me you'll never show that photo to anyone.

163. I swear on my honor as a paparazzo.

164. Hey, Fry, want to see a picture?

165. Sure.

166. Hmm . . . He Iooked at the photo and that happened.

167. But it could just be a coincidence.

168. Yo, Amy, check it out.

169. The evidence is mounting.

170. AIthough two times hardly establishes a pattern.

171. I'd feel more comfortable raising the alarm

172. if I were a Iittle more certain.

173. Hey, how'd those two get deflated?

174. They Iooked at this.

175. That proves it.

176. Looking at this photo of Langdon Cobb

177. has a horrific effect on Iiving creatures.

178. Hey, Zoidberg, look at this photo of Langdon Cobb.

179. What, a picture of Langdon Cobb?

180. Now, this I want to see as clearly as possible.

181. Zoidberg, no!

182. Oh, thank God, Professor. You got here just in time.

183. I've seen this before.

184. Langdon Cobb must be from Bryoria Six,

185. home of the quantum Iichen people.

186. Well, that explains that.

187. They're attention parasites. They feed on the admiration of their prey.

188. Just like the noble buffalo.

189. Nothing like a buffalo.

190. Anyone who pays attention to the Iichen is unknowingly feeding it.

191. But gaze upon its face, even in a photograph,

192. and your very life force will be sucked out, leaving you a flaccid husk.

193. So the picture robbed them of their souls?

194. Souls? Don't be ridiculous. It's their life forces that have been stolen.

195. It's scientific.

196. That's why the robot's immune. He has no soul.

197. Life force!

198. So, how do we get their life forces back?

199. If we poke a hole in Cobb's bag,

200. will they spew out like a volcano built on an Indian graveyard?

201. AIas, it's not that simple.

202. You see, just as the Earth Iichen

203. is composed of an algae and a fungus,

204. the quantum variety is also composed of two separate parts.

205. An attractive algae-based id and a ravenous fungus-based ego

206. that stores the stolen souls. I mean, life forces.

207. Now, here's the weird part.

208. The ego and the id are connected

209. not physically, like decent, God-fearing Earth Iichens,

210. but by quantum entanglement.

211. So the id is Langdon Cobb, but this fungus ego could be . . .

212. Anywhere! We'll never find it.

213. Let's just give up and go to the aquarium again.

214. Now, hold on. I feel like I was chased by a mushroom recently.

215. Of course! The guard dog at Cobb's estate.

216. That's the ego.

217. All right, let's go. It'll be just like stomping a puppy.

218. No, no, no. Subduing an actor's ego is no easy task.

219. We'll have to weaken it first.

220. Look, I own words that are helpful.

221. It says the World Acting Championship is tonight in Hollywood.

222. Quiet, Zoidberg. God, I wish you were a husk.

223. No, it's Langdon Cobb versus Calculon.

224. If we help Calculon win, it will weaken Cobb's ego, maybe?

225. Yes, yes, fine.

226. We never go where I want to go.

227. So, the most galling of the paparazzi needs my help.

228. Lo, the worm has turned.

229. Say cheese, Calculon without makeup.

230. As much as I hate you, I hate Langdon Cobb more.

231. He beats me out for every award,

232. every role, every paternity suit.

233. Besting him at acting means more to me than life itself.

234. And we want to help you.

235. Now, your only chance is a classic death scene.

236. One with a lot of "thy's" and "thou's."

237. Voilà. The tragic end of Rome O. and Julie T.

238. Now, here's the poison that Romeo uses to kill himself.

239. Don't worry, it's just water and food coloring.

240. Food coloring?

241. The most poisonous substance known to robots?

242. Oops! Sorry. I'll swap it out for harmless battery acid.

243. No. Wait.

244. There's only one way to ensure victory.

245. I must perform the ultimate death scene.

246. I shall drink the actual poison and actually die.

247. But, Calculon, you can't kill yourself.

248. I'm a celebrity. I can kill anyone I want.

249. Call it in the air.

250. Comedy.

251. It's tragedy. Langdon Cobb will be first to take the stage.

252. Bossy to Stinky. Come in, Stinky.

253. DR. I always come in stinky.

254. Stand by. The competition's about to begin.

255. Oh!

256. Hold your fire until Calculon's performance weakens the ego.

257. Roger. Stinky over.

258. Whoof! I beg to differ.

259. I wish it had been me, Sully.

260. I wish it had been me off-duty in the Garden

261. when those drug Iords blew up the Celtics.

262. But I was drunk, wicked drunk.

263. Uh-oh. Cobb's doing a scene from Beantown Buddies.

264. The audience is eating it up. Professor, what's your status?

265. Not good.

266. The attention Cobb's receiving is inflating his ego.

267. It's going totally Kanye.

268. Wow!

269. There's a humungous fungus among us.

270. Oh, Sully, you were the best partner I ever had,

271. both on the beat

272. and in the sack.

273. That's right, I said it.

274. I said it.

275. A tough act to follow.

276. And now, to follow that act,

277. performing the death scene from Romeo and Juliet,

278. seven-time Oscar runner-up, Calculon!

279. Ah, dear Juliet,

280. why art thou yet so fair?

281. I will stay with thee

282. and never from this palace of dim night depart again.

283. Oh, here will I set up my everlasting rest

284. and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh.

285. Eyes, look your last.

286. Arms, take your last embrace.

287. And Iips, oh, you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss.

288. Here's to my love.

289. I can't believe he really did it.

290. At least he died knowing I was great.

291. Uh-oh.

292. That death scene was almost half believable.

293. Cobb looks jealous and insecure. How's his ego doing?

294. It's shrinking. Faster, Professor, kill, kill.

295. Activating anti-fungal ray.

296. It just has to warm up for about 15 minutes.

297. Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars,

298. we have a unanimous decision.

299. The winner and Heavyweight Acting Champion of the world,

300. Langdon Cobb!

301. Huh.

302. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

303. Oh, God, he's basking in their admiration.

304. That ego must be at least four feet tall by now.

305. Aw! Did you miss me, pookie?

306. Ow! Oh!

307. I can't watch. I better take some pictures.

308. Wait a minute.

309. When Iiving creatures look at Cobb's photo,

310. their life force gets sucked out.

311. And Cobb's a Iiving creature.

312. I just need to show him a picture of himself.

313. But I tore up the only picture of Cobb.

314. And everybody knows,

315. once you delete a photo, it's gone forever.

316. Maybe a digital photo,

317. but with film, I still have the negative.

318. Hurry, make a new print.

319. I don't know how long I can distract Cobb's ego.

320. Okay. I'll be in the darkroom.

321. Eh . . . Contrast is a Iittle off on this one.

322. Oh!

323. Bender, hurry up!

324. This one is really good.

325. But I can still do better.

326. Who are you people? Why are you attacking my ego?

327. You stole our friends' life forces.

328. Ah, yes. I warned the robot, but he wouldn't listen.

329. You see, I was once like the rest of my species,

330. showing my face to one planet, draining its life force and moving on.

331. But when I got to Earth, I found a different kind of prey.

332. Explain. Oh!

333. You Earthlings worship celebrity with such fervor

334. that I can survive simply by milking your admiration.

335. Milking and milking it through what we actors call "the process."

336. Oh, God, just kill us already.

337. But you all discovered my secret. And for that, you will pay.

338. Look at me! If we do,

339. will you stop talking about the process?

340. Never. Behold!

341. I'll save you, Leela, Professor and Zoidberg.

342. Oops!

343. Nonetheless, I finally nailed it.

344. Gaze upon this photo of yourself

345. and start squirting out some soul-arrhea.

346. It doesn't work that way, you imbecile.

347. AIthough it's really quite a nice portrait.

348. The contrast is exquisite.

349. And the composition sublime.

350. I look spectacular.

351. Aw, man. My great photo only made his ego bigger.

352. No. No!

353. Oh!

354. Hey, Calculon's dead.

355. What happened? Did you save us, Leela?

356. Actually, no. For once, it was Bender.

357. Really? Well, thanks for whatever you did, Bender.

358. It was a lot, and you'll never be able to pay me back.

359. Now, gather round, friends,

360. so we can commemorate this moment in a photo.

361. I got to admit,

362. this time, it'll be a pleasure to be in your picture.

363. Say, "Bender is great."

364. Bender is great!

365. Neat.