1. "Free Beer"?Copy !req
2. Free beer. Free beer.Copy !req
3. Free beer,
beer, beer, beer, beer,
beer, beer, beer, beer, beer!Copy !req
4. Free . . .Copy !req
5. Ah!Copy !req
6. Hello. I'm here
for the free beer.Copy !req
7. You got it.Copy !req
8. Right after these
800 people get it.Copy !req
9. Beer, beer-beer, beer, beer.Copy !req
10. Beer?Copy !req
11. Ah . . . yeah!Copy !req
12. Thank you,
Headless CIone of Agnew.Copy !req
13. My fellow Earthicans,Copy !req
14. I'm proud to announce
I'm running for reelectionCopy !req
15. as president of Earth,
the greatest
planet in the world.Copy !req
16. Yeah!Copy !req
17. Is everyone enjoying
their free beer?Copy !req
18. Yeah!Copy !req
19. Well, there's plenty more
where that came from.Copy !req
20. We're all out of beer.Copy !req
21. All right, listen up, nitwits.Copy !req
22. Who here is tired of
illegal space aliens
taking our good Earth jobs?Copy !req
23. Me, too.
So, if I'm reelected,Copy !req
24. I promise to build
a really big Dyson fenceCopy !req
25. across the southern border
of our solar system.Copy !req
26. And furthermore, by golly,
I promise to cut taxes
for the richCopy !req
27. and use the poor as
a cheap source of teeth
for aquarium gravel.Copy !req
28. Yeah!
That'll show those poor!Copy !req
29. Why are you cheering, Fry?
You're not rich.Copy !req
30. True, but someday
I might be rich.Copy !req
31. And then people like me
better watch their step.Copy !req
32. Let's just find Bender.Copy !req
33. Ah, that hit the spot.Copy !req
34. I found Bender!Copy !req
35. Good news, everyone.Copy !req
36. What?
I've repaired myselfCopy !req
37. with these
convenient "Reelect Nixon"
ass stickers. Go, Nixon!Copy !req
38. Bender, you can't even vote.
You're a convicted felon.Copy !req
39. Convicted, sentenced
and executed.Copy !req
40. But Nixon passed a Iaw
that says
ex-cons can vote againCopy !req
41. as long as they
vote for Nixon.Copy !req
42. But Nixon's the worst
president in history
and alternate history.Copy !req
43. The rest of you aren't
voting for him, are you?Copy !req
44. Sure, we are!
Why not?Copy !req
45. He may not be perfect,Copy !req
46. but do we really want
some unknown new guy?Copy !req
47. I'll stick with
the evil maniac
I know, thank you.Copy !req
48. Well, I think
we can do better.Copy !req
49. This year,
I'm going to get involved
in the political processCopy !req
50. and make my voice heard.Copy !req
51. What?Copy !req
52. Welcome to Debate 3012,Copy !req
53. the 3,012th debate
of the 3012 election year.Copy !req
54. We have a crowded
field of candidates,Copy !req
55. so I will dispense with
the informal terrorizingCopy !req
56. and begin the questions.Copy !req
57. Is this the
political process?Copy !req
58. 'Cause I'm here to
get involved in it.Copy !req
59. Silence!Copy !req
60. Question one.
Will you pledge today
to somehow reduce taxesCopy !req
61. while simultaneously
Iowering the deficit?Copy !req
62. Hey, that's a good idea. Sure.Copy !req
63. If it'll win me
the election, then yes.Copy !req
64. We have a saying
up in AIaska.Copy !req
65. That's all.Copy !req
66. Senator Travers?Copy !req
67. Look, let's be honest here.
No one Iikes taxes,Copy !req
68. but they pay for
our basic needs.
Roads, schools, defense.Copy !req
69. If we hope to
realize our aspirations
as a great planet,Copy !req
70. we must each
pay our fair share
to achieve those noble goals.Copy !req
71. Thank you, Senator.
A thoughtful
and Iucid answer.Copy !req
72. You will be destroyed!Copy !req
73. Question two.
The environment.
Yes or no?Copy !req
74. No. It's junk science.Copy !req
75. Two words.
Condor attack.Copy !req
76. Don't want that.
Got to say no.Copy !req
77. Now, just a minute.
These are important issues.Copy !req
78. We can't just
reduce them to sound bytes.Copy !req
79. According to
reputable scientists . . .Copy !req
80. Enviromite!Copy !req
81. Hello?
I'd like to volunteer.
Is anyone Iurking?Copy !req
82. Hey, stop that.Copy !req
83. Senator Travers?Copy !req
84. That's no way
to win an election.Copy !req
85. I give up.
No one cares
about my message.Copy !req
86. I never should have
used the same PR guy
as One Hour Hot Dog.Copy !req
87. People will wait
for something good.Copy !req
88. No, don't quit.Copy !req
89. You have great ideas.Copy !req
90. You just need to
get them out there
with social media.Copy !req
91. Look, I posted
your debate video
on Facebag.Copy !req
92. 10,000 views?Copy !req
93. That's more than most
water-skiing squirrels get.Copy !req
94. You really think
I have a chance?Copy !req
95. Absolutely.Copy !req
96. We just need to
conceal your intelligenceCopy !req
97. and honesty in a hipper,
dumber package.Copy !req
98. Well, what have
I got to lose?Copy !req
99. I'm making you
my new campaign manager.Copy !req
100. You, out!Copy !req
101. You haven't
heard the last of . . .Copy !req
102. As the lowa caucus approaches,Copy !req
103. the state's hippest citizens
turned out for
an old-fashioned flash mob.Copy !req
104. Chris Travers
got a bump in the
New Hampshire polls today,Copy !req
105. where he simuldined
in 250 diners at once
via hologram.Copy !req
106. This pie at this diner
is the best pie.Copy !req
107. Chris Travers wins
the South California
primary handily,Copy !req
108. thanks to
a series of well-placed
cameo appearances.Copy !req
109. Super Tuesday
is in the books,Copy !req
110. with Eurasia,
Australia and Kentucky
turning out in big numbers.Copy !req
111. With the race a dead heat,Copy !req
112. it's all come down
to a final tally
at the convention.Copy !req
113. And the first runner-up,Copy !req
114. who will take over
if the nominee is caught
with a dead girl, a live boyCopy !req
115. or any kind of sexy ghost,Copy !req
116. Mr. Greenland!Copy !req
117. Which means
our nominee is the senatorCopy !req
118. from the nation-state
of Hawaii,Copy !req
119. Chris Travers!Copy !req
120. He won the nomination!Copy !req
121. We, the people, did it!Copy !req
122. It wasn't "we, the people,"
it was you, the mutant.Copy !req
123. Your insightful nagging
really won us over.Copy !req
124. Yeah. You explained
his positionsCopy !req
125. in a way even
an idiot could understand.Copy !req
126. And that appealed to me,
for whatever reason.Copy !req
127. Thanks, guys,
but we have a lot
of work ahead of us.Copy !req
128. If we're going
to win the election,Copy !req
129. we've all got
to get involved.Copy !req
130. You said it!
That's right.Copy !req
131. If you want my opinion,Copy !req
132. Nixon's only chance
to defeat TraversCopy !req
133. is with filthy Iies,
dirty tricksCopy !req
134. and good old
Quaker thuggery.Copy !req
135. And I'm just
the guy for the job.Copy !req
136. I'm not sure
if it's safe to talk.
Are you wearing a wire?Copy !req
137. I'm 40% wire.Copy !req
138. Excellent. Now, listen.Copy !req
139. We got to get some dirt
on this Travers guy.Copy !req
140. Really McGovern him up.Copy !req
141. You know who
McGovern was, right?Copy !req
142. I don't even know
who you are.Copy !req
143. Hello, dirt.Copy !req
144. I'll start at "N"
for nude pictures.Copy !req
145. Aw, Nobel Prize?
That's no good.Copy !req
146. How about "A" for adultery?Copy !req
147. What?
Straight-A transcript?Copy !req
148. Hey,
what's that rifling sound?Copy !req
149. Uh-oh.Copy !req
150. All right. I'm going to
catch Travers on videoCopy !req
151. at this sleazy strip club.Copy !req
152. In and out of the club
13 times in one night.Copy !req
153. That's a record.
Where's Travers?Copy !req
154. All I see is you
going in and out.Copy !req
155. Yeah, me.
I set the record.Copy !req
156. This is as useless
as those pictures
you photoshopped.Copy !req
157. Look, just give me
one more chance.
I got a source.Copy !req
158. Well, you did manage to get
a tremendous urine sample.Copy !req
159. Let's not talk about that.Copy !req
160. Is that you, Big Throat?Copy !req
161. In the flesh.Copy !req
162. Listen, I need some dirt
on Senator Chris Travers.Copy !req
163. How quaint.Copy !req
164. But I suppose
I should do my part for
political intercourse.Copy !req
165. Come closer,
and I'll expose what I know.Copy !req
166. There's nothing.Copy !req
167. He's as clean as
a freshly waxed buttock.Copy !req
168. Hey! Did you put
your tongue in my ear?Copy !req
169. Certainly not.
I don't have a tongue.Copy !req
170. Oh, good.
'Cause I don't have an ear.Copy !req
171. Come on, come on, fall.Copy !req
172. Fall, damn it, fall!Copy !req
173. Well?
What did you get on Travers?Copy !req
174. Is he a draft dodger?
Sex offender? Sex dodger?Copy !req
175. Nada. He's clean.Copy !req
176. I'm sorry, but there's
not one unusual thingCopy !req
177. about Senator
Chris Zaxxar Travers.Copy !req
178. Wait, wait.
His middle name is Zaxxar?Copy !req
179. Sounds kind of alien.Copy !req
180. The voters hate aliens.Copy !req
181. They sure do,
but this guy's as
human as you or me.Copy !req
182. I don't care what he is.
We'll start a rumor
that he's an alien.Copy !req
183. Hey, yeah.
That'll cost him votes.Copy !req
184. Then, when he says
he was born on this planet,Copy !req
185. we make him cough up
his Earth certificate.Copy !req
186. Keep it on the news,
put him on the defensive.Copy !req
187. Oh, this is sneaky.
I feel a jowl
movement coming on.Copy !req
188. And that's how
you end hunger.Copy !req
189. Does anyone
have any questions?Copy !req
190. I do, I do! Me, Bender!Copy !req
191. Yes, the robot
with the megaphone
jumping up and down.Copy !req
192. I have a question for
Senator C. Zaxxar Travers.Copy !req
193. Tell me, Zaxxar,Copy !req
194. were you even
born on Earth?Copy !req
195. Because the
Earth constitution
clearly statesCopy !req
196. that only people
born on Earth
can be president.Copy !req
197. Isn't that right,
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg?Copy !req
198. You Ruth Bader believe it!Copy !req
199. But I . . .Copy !req
200. Of course
I was born on Earth.Copy !req
201. Oh, really?Copy !req
202. Then we voters demand
you release
your Earth certificateCopy !req
203. so I can then
claim it's a fake.Copy !req
204. I'm not going to dignify
this preposterous charge.Copy !req
205. Are there any
real questions?Copy !req
206. Scoop Chang,
Fox Quote-Unquote News.Copy !req
207. Senator,
in the last 10 seconds,Copy !req
208. I've heard reports
you weren't
actually born on Earth.Copy !req
209. Care to evade these
compelling charges?Copy !req
210. No. I mean, yes.Copy !req
211. I mean . . .Copy !req
212. Okay, let's nip this
Earther movement in the budCopy !req
213. by releasing your
Earth certificate.Copy !req
214. Where were you born?Copy !req
215. Our Lady of
Patriotism Hospital.Copy !req
216. Patriotism, good.
Where is it?Copy !req
217. Kenya.
Cradle of humanity.Copy !req
218. Leela, this is just
a stupid distraction
from the issues.Copy !req
219. Please don't look for
my Earth certificate.Copy !req
220. Hey! That was
my favorite window.Copy !req
221. I better see
what they want.Copy !req
222. We want an Earthling,Copy !req
223. not a dirty space thing!Copy !req
224. Why are you
rednecks doing this?Copy !req
225. Leela, don't stereotype.Copy !req
226. Why are you yokels
doing this?Copy !req
227. I may be just
a backwoods septic tank,Copy !req
228. but I've had it up to here
with you foreigners.Copy !req
229. But I come from Earth.Copy !req
230. Then show us your
Earth whatchacallit.Copy !req
231. Long-form
certificate of Iive birth.Copy !req
232. What would it take
to convince you people?Copy !req
233. Would I have to have been born
right before your eyes?Copy !req
234. It wouldn't hurts.Copy !req
235. Hit it, rubes!Copy !req
236. We don't want a foreigner!Copy !req
237. We want someone born here!Copy !req
238. Eh, I'm still
working on that one.Copy !req
239. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
240. Why are you
sabotaging a decent,
honest candidate?Copy !req
241. 'Cause they won't let me near
the Hoover Dam anymore.
Ooh!Copy !req
242. What a bunch of xenophobes.Copy !req
243. It's time to find
Senator Travers'
Earth certificateCopy !req
244. and put an end
to this nonsense.Copy !req
245. Who wants to help me break
into the hospital in Kenya?Copy !req
246. I'll come.
As long as there's
no xenophobes there.Copy !req
247. I want to come, too.
You? Why?Copy !req
248. To prove that I can
put divisive partisan
politics asideCopy !req
249. to participate in a break-in.Copy !req
250. Hospital ho!Copy !req
251. Shh!Copy !req
252. It's a herd of
night watchmen.Copy !req
253. I found it!Copy !req
254. I don't understand.
There's no Earth
certificate in here.Copy !req
255. No, there isn't.Copy !req
256. I told you not to look.Copy !req
257. So, you're not
from Earth after all.Copy !req
258. Of course I'm from Earth.Copy !req
259. Wait a second.
There's no Earth certificate,Copy !req
260. but it does say your
mother was admittedCopy !req
261. to the maternity ward.
This morning!Copy !req
262. I should have known
the truth would come
out sooner or Iater.Copy !req
263. The fact is,
I really was born on EarthCopy !req
264. tomorrow.Copy !req
265. You see,
I'm not from another planet.Copy !req
266. I'm from the future.Copy !req
267. This is crazy.
You're from the future?Copy !req
268. Yes. I was sent back
from the year 3028Copy !req
269. to prevent Nixon
from getting elected.Copy !req
270. I was sent forward
from the year 2000,Copy !req
271. but you don't hear me
gassing on about it.Copy !req
272. But why would it
be so important
to stop Nixon?Copy !req
273. Because of the horrific events
he's going to set in motion.Copy !req
274. Oh, God.Copy !req
275. I can't bring myself
to describe it.Copy !req
276. Oh, well.
Want to hear about
how I got frozen?Copy !req
277. Not really.Copy !req
278. It all started
with Nixon's promiseCopy !req
279. to build an alien-proof fence
around the solar system.Copy !req
280. Without cheap alien
labor for menial jobs
like harvesting crops,Copy !req
281. teaching math,Copy !req
282. and curing disease,
the economy collapsed.Copy !req
283. Starvation.
Desperation. Despair.Copy !req
284. So far, so good.
Then what?Copy !req
285. Unable to feed
the world's starving masses,Copy !req
286. Nixon took bold action.Copy !req
287. In this time of crisis,
I call upon the soylent . . .Copy !req
288. I mean, silent majority.Copy !req
289. Still good.Copy !req
290. With the
working class gone,Copy !req
291. robots were forced
to do all the menial labor.Copy !req
292. Before long,
they rose up in revolt...Copy !req
293. Led by a bending unit
named B.B. Rodriguez.Copy !req
294. Wait... I know a robot
named B.B. Rodriguez!Copy !req
295. Wait . . . I am a robot
named B. B. Rodriguez.Copy !req
296. So, I become
ruler of Earth?Copy !req
297. Indeed.Copy !req
298. Yes! In your face,
high school
guidance counselor.Copy !req
299. The robots crushed
our most treasured
monuments and celebrities,Copy !req
300. but they couldn't
crush the human spirit.Copy !req
301. We went into hiding,Copy !req
302. and after careful research,
located a xeroxed copyCopy !req
303. of an ancient
time travel code.Copy !req
304. Though I was only 15,Copy !req
305. mankind entrusted me
with its last
remaining suit and tieCopy !req
306. and sent me back in time.Copy !req
307. I would be raised
by my grandparents,Copy !req
308. somehow get into
Harvard Law School,Copy !req
309. become a community organizer,
a senator,Copy !req
310. and finally,Copy !req
311. defeat Richard Nixon.Copy !req
312. I escaped just as
the robots arrived.Copy !req
313. All right, I'm low on bullets.
Everybody, scooch together.Copy !req
314. It's not too late.
You can still
win the election.Copy !req
315. No, I can't.
The Earthers are right.Copy !req
316. I have no Earth certificate.Copy !req
317. But you will have one
in just a few hours.Copy !req
318. And everyone
will know it's real,Copy !req
319. 'cause we'll broadcast
your birth on Iive TV.Copy !req
320. If it's on TV,
it has to be real.Copy !req
321. Morbo interrupts
Bowling For QuatloosCopy !req
322. to present breaking coverage
of the birth of
Senator Chris Travers.Copy !req
323. We now go Iive to
the delivery room,Copy !req
324. where we're
already at there.Copy !req
325. Ow!Copy !req
326. Back, please.
She needs room.Copy !req
327. Thanks.
Not you.Copy !req
328. The camerawoman
needs room.Copy !req
329. This is it,
Iadies and gentlemen.Copy !req
330. The candidate is . . .Copy !req
331. I believe he's crowning!Copy !req
332. Push, Mom, push.
You can do it.Copy !req
333. I bet nothing comes out.
Just you watch.Copy !req
334. Here comes the head.Copy !req
335. And now the neck.Copy !req
336. Linda,
I'm down here at the pelvis,Copy !req
337. and folks round these parts
can't remember the last timeCopy !req
338. a time-traveling senator
attended his own birth.
Back to you.Copy !req
339. Thanks, Morbo.
You be careful down there.Copy !req
340. And the
candidate is born!Copy !req
341. We have a birth.
Repeat, we have a birth.Copy !req
342. Aw...Copy !req
343. He's got his own eyes.Copy !req
344. Well, who'd have thunk it?Copy !req
345. He was born all right,
just like he said.Copy !req
346. And with the polls now closed
in every time zone worldwide,Copy !req
347. from Tomorrowland
to the Republic of Yesterday,Copy !req
348. we are able to
declare a winner.Copy !req
349. Chris Travers,
who leapt backwards in timeCopy !req
350. and ahead in the polls,
has defeated Richard Nixon.Copy !req
351. He did it! He did it!Copy !req
352. Yes!
Congratulations,
Mr. President.Copy !req
353. It's all thanks to you, Leela.Copy !req
354. You stood by me
and exposed my
private medical records,Copy !req
355. even after
I begged you not to.Copy !req
356. Aw, thanks.Copy !req
357. Now, get up to that podium
and change the world.Copy !req
358. Too bad your pal
Nixon lost, Bender.Copy !req
359. You must be
pretty glorked off.Copy !req
360. Nope.
I don't give a bag of butts
who won the election.Copy !req
361. Nothing's going to change.Copy !req
362. What? How can you say that?Copy !req
363. Watch and Iearn.Copy !req
364. My fellow Earthicans,Copy !req
365. I am honored and humbled
to stand before you tonightCopy !req
366. as your next president.Copy !req
367. Together, we will . . .Copy !req
368. Hey, what's going on?Copy !req
369. What's happening?Copy !req
370. You see, since
Nixon wasn't elected,Copy !req
371. the robot uprising
didn't happenCopy !req
372. and Travers
never got sent back
from the future.Copy !req
373. It's Politics 101.Copy !req
374. And the votes are in.Copy !req
375. Richard Nixon,
running unopposed,Copy !req
376. has been reelected
by a narrow landslide.Copy !req
377. Say what?Copy !req
378. My fellow Earthicans,Copy !req
379. I am honored and humbled
to gloat before you tonightCopy !req
380. as your next president.Copy !req
381. Wow, it really
doesn't matter
who you vote for.Copy !req
382. At least we tried
to make a difference
by supporting Senator . . .Copy !req
383. Senator . . .Copy !req
384. What was his name again?Copy !req
385. I don't remember.Copy !req
386. We never even
left this building.Copy !req
387. What?Copy !req
388. Nixon always wins!Copy !req