1. Futurama presents...Copy !req
2. Brought to you by
Mutual of Omicron.Copy !req
3. lnsuring your world,
and its destruction.Copy !req
4. Tonight's planet,
a primitive
backwater known only as...Copy !req
5. Of all
the creatures on Earth,Copy !req
6. none has a more
thrilling life cycle
than the intrepid salmon.Copy !req
7. It all begins in a cold,
freshwater stream,Copy !req
8. where the salmon
eggs incubate.Copy !req
9. I'm born, baby!Copy !req
10. The new hatchlings
are known as "fry."Copy !req
11. What's your name?Copy !req
12. I don't have a name.
I'm a salmon.Copy !req
13. After three years
in the stream,Copy !req
14. the young salmon are ready
for the arduous
journey to the ocean.Copy !req
15. I do look forward to
cavorting in the spray.Copy !req
16. The trip will be dangerous.
Only three in 10 will survive.Copy !req
17. Let's all 10 of
us go together.Copy !req
18. There's safety in numbers.Copy !req
19. I reckon my boy
will be right pleasedCopy !req
20. when I regurgitate
that into his mouth.Copy !req
21. Looming ahead,
nature's waterfall,
the cliff of the waters.Copy !req
22. Ah.Copy !req
23. It sure is relaxing
getting swept along
by this current.Copy !req
24. Oh, my!Copy !req
25. Oh, dear!Copy !req
26. Oh, yes!Copy !req
27. This just in.
Three dead in foamy plunge.Copy !req
28. Still, six out of 10 alive.
That's considered
good for our species!Copy !req
29. Five out of 10, also nice.Copy !req
30. Yep.Copy !req
31. And so the salmon
reach the ocean,
birthplace of all life.Copy !req
32. Except the salmon.Copy !req
33. Hello. Who are you?Copy !req
34. I'm a salmon.Copy !req
35. Really? Me, too!Copy !req
36. No way!Copy !req
37. So, hey, I don't
want to be too forward,Copy !req
38. but I'd like to mate
with you in a few years
when we're sexually mature.Copy !req
39. I'd like that.Copy !req
40. Oh!Copy !req
41. What have we here?
I'm a Pisces. And you?Copy !req
42. Also Pisces.
We're all Pisces.Copy !req
43. Then it's a date.
I'll see you
at spawning time.Copy !req
44. No, thanks.
I've already
found my mate.Copy !req
45. You haven't
ignored the last of me.Copy !req
46. Having reached
maturity, it is time for
the salmon to spawn.Copy !req
47. Thus begins their
1000-mile journeyCopy !req
48. back to the exact stream
in which they were born.Copy !req
49. So how do we
find our way home?Copy !req
50. Nobody knows!Copy !req
51. Experts are unsure whether
salmon navigate by memory,Copy !req
52. sense of smell,
or by detecting variations
in Earth's magnetic field.Copy !req
53. Okay, everybody do
one of those three things.Copy !req
54. Well, this is it.
Home, stream home.Copy !req
55. No, it isn't!
I was born in
the next stream up.Copy !req
56. You're from
Next Stream Up?
So am I!Copy !req
57. I can tell by
the magnets in my head,
or whatever.Copy !req
58. Let's go!Copy !req
59. The urge to spawn
drives the salmonCopy !req
60. inexorably toward
the stream of its birth.Copy !req
61. Stupid body! Why won't you go
to that other stream?Copy !req
62. Nobody knows!Copy !req
63. I just told you!Copy !req
64. Goodbye! It was fun
maturing with you,Copy !req
65. but at this point
in my life cycle,Copy !req
66. I need a mate who's
within squirting distance.Copy !req
67. I'll never forget you, fish.Copy !req
68. Come on,
Ioxy Iady, it's time for us
to get naughty by nature!Copy !req
69. No!Copy !req
70. Well, here goes something . . .Copy !req
71. Don't make it . . .
Don't make it!Copy !req
72. Son of a fish!Copy !req
73. Jumping is for suckers.Copy !req
74. I'm good!
Who wants a piece of me?Copy !req
75. I'll try a bite!Copy !req
76. Having completed
its perilous journey,Copy !req
77. the exhausted salmon
enters the final phase
of its life cycle.Copy !req
78. The female deposits her eggs
and the male fertilizes them.Copy !req
79. Okay, who's next?Copy !req
80. There's a lot more
where that came from!Copy !req
81. I can't see them anymore!
What if they're mating?Copy !req
82. Who cares?
Just release
your milt already!Copy !req
83. Everybody's doing it!Copy !req
84. No! I refuse
to release anythingCopy !req
85. unless it's in
the vicinity of the eggs
of the fish I love!Copy !req
86. Tell my offspring I
Ioved me very much . . .Copy !req
87. Oh, yeah.
PIop those roundies.Copy !req
88. All right, step aside.
Time to let my
bad boys loose.Copy !req
89. I am Brrr,
devourer of fish and honey!Copy !req
90. I'm coming, darling!Copy !req
91. I shouldn't,
but who's counting?Copy !req
92. Help! Fish police!Copy !req
93. Two salmon for dinner?Copy !req
94. What? It's spawning season!
It's a bear holiday!Copy !req
95. That is what you said
when you found
those Boy Scouts!Copy !req
96. Next you'll be telling me
I can't crap in the woods!Copy !req
97. That's it!Copy !req
98. We're hibernating
in separate caves
this winter!Copy !req
99. My love!Copy !req
100. You made it!Copy !req
101. You overcame salmon instinct
and left your
home stream for me!Copy !req
102. So are you gonna
fertilize my eggs now?Copy !req
103. AIready taken care of.Copy !req
104. Well, we swam away
and then we came back.Copy !req
105. It's been
an interesting life.Copy !req
106. And the best part is,
it had a happy ending.Copy !req
107. And so
the endless circle of life
comes to an end,Copy !req
108. meaningless and grim.Copy !req
109. Why did they live,
and why did they die?Copy !req
110. No reason.Copy !req
111. The isolated
Galapagos Islands.Copy !req
112. A veritable pageant
of evolutionary science.Copy !req
113. Home to dozens of species
found nowhere else,Copy !req
114. such as Darwin's finches
and the marine iguana.Copy !req
115. Also the blue-footed booby!Copy !req
116. That's fairly interesting!
Note the blue
coloration of the . . .Copy !req
117. Of all the creatures
in the Galapagos,Copy !req
118. none is rarer
or more tragic than
the Pinta Island tortoise.Copy !req
119. Only a single Iiving specimen
is known to exist,Copy !req
120. Lonesome Hubert.Copy !req
121. Sad news, everyone.
I'm Ionesome.Copy !req
122. Hey, would it cheer you up
if we gave you a symbiotic
parasite cleaning?Copy !req
123. Would it? Would it?
Would it?Copy !req
124. Fine, knock yourself out.Copy !req
125. The Galapagos
finches eat parasites
off the tortoise's skin,Copy !req
126. a mutually
beneficial arrangement.Copy !req
127. Except for the parasite!Copy !req
128. How's that, Hubert?
Feeling better?Copy !req
129. A good beaking
usually cheers me right up,
but today it's no use.Copy !req
130. My species is as
good as extinct.Copy !req
131. I haven't seen
a female of my kind
in over 100 years!Copy !req
132. There's got to
be a Iady tortoise
out there for you, Hubert.Copy !req
133. What about her?Copy !req
134. Hey, good Iookin',
I've got a Iichen
that needs a Iickin'.Copy !req
135. Are you crazy?
She's a slightly
different subspecies!Copy !req
136. See how her shell
flares imperceptibly
at the neck?Copy !req
137. Talk about
a cloaca shrinker.Copy !req
138. Well, haven't you
ever met a girl tortoiseCopy !req
139. who had that whole
"same subspecies"
thing going on?Copy !req
140. Oh my, yes. When I was
a young tortoise of 50,Copy !req
141. I met a hot young
piece of shellCopy !req
142. by a Palo Santo tree on
the far side of the island.Copy !req
143. Let's go look for her!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!Copy !req
144. I've always wondered
if she's still there,
waiting for me.Copy !req
145. But the trip is far too long.Copy !req
146. It's only 100 feet!Copy !req
147. At my age,
it might as well be 200 feet.
I'd never make it!Copy !req
148. Come on,
you can make it!
You can do it!Copy !req
149. Well, let me think it over.Copy !req
150. Let's go already!Copy !req
151. Watch out!Copy !req
152. What brings yous to
this part of the isles?Copy !req
153. He's gonna eat us!Copy !req
154. Don't be such a finch.Copy !req
155. We Galapagos tortoises
have no natural predators.Copy !req
156. That's so fascinating!Copy !req
157. I never thought I'd Iive
to see this tree again.Copy !req
158. Thank you for
staying with me, Fry.Copy !req
159. I'm not Fry.
I'm his great-great-grandson,
Fry.Copy !req
160. You are?
My beak is different, see?Copy !req
161. It evolved
a slightly bigger hook
over the generationsCopy !req
162. to help me eat the cactus
on this part of the island.Copy !req
163. Watch!Copy !req
164. I'm stuck!Copy !req
165. Oops.Copy !req
166. So where's your
Iady tortoise, Hubert?Copy !req
167. Lady what?Copy !req
168. Wait, there she is!Copy !req
169. After all these years,
I've found her!Copy !req
170. Oh, my darling!
You haven't aged a day!Copy !req
171. Should we say something?Copy !req
172. Nah. Let him have his fun.Copy !req
173. All right.
Let's just do
what comes naturally.Copy !req
174. I'll get things started
with a Iittle
neck extension . . .Copy !req
175. Then a couple
of these . . .Copy !req
176. And here we go!Copy !req
177. What the tropical
hell are you doing?Copy !req
178. What?Copy !req
179. I've been saving
myself for 100 years,
and this is how you repay me?Copy !req
180. Who is that
hard-shelled skank?
I'll kill her!Copy !req
181. Wait, I can explain . . .Copy !req
182. Shut up!Copy !req
183. I'm going to
crack that hussy open
like a slutty Brazil nut!Copy !req
184. This volcanic archipelago
isn't big enough
for the both of us.Copy !req
185. Yeah, you'd better topple.Copy !req
186. You always were
a hot-blooded Latina.Copy !req
187. Like all reptiles,
the Galapagos tortoise
is cold-blooded.Copy !req
188. Okay, neck, tap, tap,Copy !req
189. climb, climb,
and we're back in business.Copy !req
190. Should we be watching this?
It seems kind of personal.Copy !req
191. That's not an issue for us.
We're wildlife.Copy !req
192. What about the moaning?
Is it okay to listen?Copy !req
193. Sure, but act like
it's no big deal.Copy !req
194. Just pretend
you're eating seeds.Copy !req
195. Is it weird if I talk about
his crazy turtle penis?Copy !req
196. No.Copy !req
197. Well, okay then.Copy !req
198. Yes, it's been Iovely.Copy !req
199. Hang on a second.Copy !req
200. The Galapagos
tortoise lays a clutch
of between six and 15 eggs.Copy !req
201. What do you want?
I'm 150 years old.Copy !req
202. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait!Copy !req
203. Aren't you going
to watch over your young?Copy !req
204. Tortoises don't
do that, do we?Copy !req
205. I sure as hell don't.Copy !req
206. Anyway, I've done my part.
The species is saved!Copy !req
207. And so, the survival of
the Pinta Island
tortoise is assured.Copy !req
208. Mama!Copy !req
209. And so, the extinction
of the Pinta Island
tortoise is assured.Copy !req
210. Two hundred million years
of evolution, snuffed out.Copy !req
211. For, in the end,
nature is horrific,
and teaches us nothing.Copy !req
212. Coming up next,
the hilarious antics
of the elephant seal,Copy !req
213. the clown of the sea.Copy !req
214. Of all
the spectacles in nature,Copy !req
215. few can match
the mating ritual
of the elephant seal.Copy !req
216. Certainly not the salmon.
And the tortoise? Yeah, right.Copy !req
217. The huge, lumbering males
defend patches of beachCopy !req
218. to deny their rivals access
to the breeding grounds.Copy !req
219. Just as in human society,Copy !req
220. only the biggest,
most obnoxious males
have any chance of mating.Copy !req
221. Aw, yeah!
Survival of the fattest!Copy !req
222. The dominant male,
or "beachmaster,"Copy !req
223. maintains a harem
of up to 50 females.Copy !req
224. Okay, harem, let's get to it.
Form an orderly
heap on top of me.Copy !req
225. I like mating with
Beachmaster 'cause
he's the Iargest.Copy !req
226. While the Beachmaster enjoys
the spoils of victory...Copy !req
227. Whoo! I'm doin' it
in my sleep!Copy !req
228. The lesser males languish
at the edge of the colony,Copy !req
229. unable to attract their own
harem due to age...Copy !req
230. Harem?
I can barely
see 'em!Copy !req
231. lmmaturity...Copy !req
232. I'm scared.Copy !req
233. Or other reasons.Copy !req
234. Hmm. I don't know,
does this kelp scarf
make me look fat enough?Copy !req
235. It's so unfair.
That bloated Casanova
gets all the Iadies!Copy !req
236. Even that one with
the exquisite fat rolls.Copy !req
237. Back off, Iosers!
Stay away from my beaches!Copy !req
238. You big bully!Copy !req
239. Bite my freshly molted,
blubber-filled ass.Copy !req
240. You're just
a giant Iump of fat!Copy !req
241. Do you even have
an ass under there?Copy !req
242. I'm 40% ass!
Arf, arf!Copy !req
243. Now beat it!Copy !req
244. With no hope
of defeating the Beachmaster,Copy !req
245. some so-called "sneaky" males
adopt a risky strategy,Copy !req
246. attempting to mate
with one of his haremCopy !req
247. while he is
asleep or distracted.Copy !req
248. So, any of you
guys thinking of being
a sneaky male this season?Copy !req
249. This season?Copy !req
250. Walrus don't
need no chicanery.Copy !req
251. Once a Iady goes walrus,
she never . . . She . . .Copy !req
252. No one ever goes walrus.Copy !req
253. I'm a Iittle old for it now,
but in my prime,
I was quite the sneaker.Copy !req
254. How did you do it?Copy !req
255. Well, while the Beachmaster
was off behind
a whale carcass,Copy !req
256. Ioudly fornicating
with my beloved mother,Copy !req
257. I snuck past
and surprised my sweetie
with a romantic meal.Copy !req
258. A romantic meal?Copy !req
259. The search for food
takes the elephant sealCopy !req
260. to depths few other
mammals can reach.Copy !req
261. In this pitch-black abyss,
life takes on bizarre
and horrific forms.Copy !req
262. So, welcome to the abyss.Copy !req
263. Road trip!Copy !req
264. Kill all penguins . . .Copy !req
265. Kill all penguins.Copy !req
266. What's the matter with you?
You just crushed
seven of our babies!Copy !req
267. Yeah, we can
always make more.Copy !req
268. Come on, floozies,
let's repopulate!Copy !req
269. With the Beachmaster occupied,
the sneaky male
makes his move.Copy !req
270. I can't believe
you came! The Beachmaster'II
kill you if he finds out!Copy !req
271. Also, who are you?Copy !req
272. I'm in love with you!
And I don't care
what he thinks.Copy !req
273. Here, I brought you
something.Copy !req
274. Hurray! We're three
friends at the beach!Copy !req
275. Wait, what's happening,
friend?Copy !req
276. The female
conveys her receptivity
through subtle vocalizations.Copy !req
277. Wanna do it?Copy !req
278. So soon? Oh, well . . .Copy !req
279. Sneaky male, eh?
I thought I told you . . .Copy !req
280. Oh, my!Copy !req
281. Well, nice try.
Better Iuck next season.Copy !req
282. You gave it a shot!
Pathetic.Copy !req
283. Sorry you didn't
get to mate.Copy !req
284. But, hey, we can still
play some beach games.Copy !req
285. Who's up for some Twister?Copy !req
286. No! We beta males
deserve better.Copy !req
287. When we're in charge,
we'll treat females
with respect,Copy !req
288. keeping sensible harems
of no more than five.Copy !req
289. And it begins with me.Copy !req
290. Sir, I challenge you
to a duel for control
of the beach!Copy !req
291. Aw...Copy !req
292. Hang on . . .Copy !req
293. Okay, let's fight.Copy !req
294. That's it.
No more Mr. Nice-Jerk.Copy !req
295. The battle
will rage for hours,Copy !req
296. until both males
are exhausted or dead.Copy !req
297. Beachmaster, stop fighting!Copy !req
298. He's been dead
since yesterday!Copy !req
299. What? He's dead?Copy !req
300. Whoo! I'm killin' dudes
in my sleep! Yo! Clean up!Copy !req
301. And so, with the threat
to the Beachmaster's
supremacy eliminated,Copy !req
302. order is restored
for another year.Copy !req
303. Another year,
another generation of pups
fathered by me, Beachmaster.Copy !req
304. I'm the greatest, baby!Copy !req
305. You go, Beachmaster!Copy !req
306. And so concludes
our exploration
of planet Earth.Copy !req
307. For a holographic
brain injection
of tonight's program,Copy !req
308. send $5 to this station,
care of me, the narrator.Copy !req
309. Good night.Copy !req
310. Mutual of Omicron.
Have you insured your planet?Copy !req