1. And now,
The Transcredible Exploits
of Zapp Brannigan,Copy !req
2. brought to you by
Bartley's Rocket Wax.Copy !req
3. I wax my rocket
every day!Copy !req
4. No one can save
you now, Leela.Copy !req
5. What about
Zapp Brannigan?Copy !req
6. Well, obviously,
Zapp Brannigan
could save you...Copy !req
7. Zapp Brannigan!Copy !req
8. So, Emperor Chop Chop,
once again, we meet at last.Copy !req
9. Drop that space gun
or I'll shoot, like so.Copy !req
10. Oh, Zapp, tie me back up
and ravish me.Copy !req
11. I'd like to, Leela.
So, I will.Copy !req
12. Shake it, baby.
Shake it like...Copy !req
13. I surrender and
volunteer for treason.Copy !req
14. Emergency summons from
the president, Captain.Copy !req
15. Oh, it's you.
Just let me freshen up.Copy !req
16. Computer, Captain's musk.Copy !req
17. The long, dramatic corridor.
That's never a good sign.Copy !req
18. Glove recognized.
Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower.Copy !req
19. Mr. President.
What the hell?Copy !req
20. At ease, Brannigan.Copy !req
21. What you're about to see
is highly classified.Copy !req
22. Reptilicus,
hit the thingy.Copy !req
23. At 0000 hours,Copy !req
24. Planet X-3 was attacked
by a mysterious death sphere.Copy !req
25. Magnify that death sphere.Copy !req
26. Why is it still blurry?Copy !req
27. That's all the
resolution we have.Copy !req
28. Making it bigger
doesn't make it clearer.Copy !req
29. It does on CSl: Miami.Copy !req
30. They fought back
with advanced
military hardware,Copy !req
31. but it was like shooting
BBs at Bebe Rebozo.Copy !req
32. That poor, brave hardware.Copy !req
33. The sphere
then fired some kind of
hellish blackout ray.Copy !req
34. It erased that planet
like 18 minutes of
incriminating tape.Copy !req
35. Oh, I just wish
I understood why.Copy !req
36. Why I should care?Copy !req
37. Because the death sphere
is now on course for Earth!Copy !req
38. My God, we're defenseless,
like fish in a barrel.Copy !req
39. Options?Copy !req
40. My instinct is to
hide in this barrel,Copy !req
41. like the wily fish.Copy !req
42. Then we're down
to our last hope,Copy !req
43. a radical new weapon
built by a visionary
scientistCopy !req
44. I once dismissed
as crazy!Copy !req
45. Let's see how crazy
I am now, Nixon.Copy !req
46. The correct answer
is "very."Copy !req
47. All right, Professor,Copy !req
48. sock it to me!Copy !req
49. Top-secret news,
everyone.Copy !req
50. I've developed a tiny,
one-man stealth fighter
that's virtually undetectable.Copy !req
51. How undetectable?Copy !req
52. It's right in front of you.Copy !req
53. I find that...
to believe.Copy !req
54. But how exactly is
this Happy Meal toyCopy !req
55. going to destroy
a giant death sphere?Copy !req
56. From within.Copy !req
57. This ship should be able
to sneak, undetected,Copy !req
58. through the sphere's
one vulnerable opening.Copy !req
59. What vulnerable opening?Copy !req
60. All death spheres have
one vulnerable opening.Copy !req
61. Well, sure,
but who's brave enough
to fly into somethingCopy !req
62. we all keep calling
a death sphere?Copy !req
63. I say Brannigan.
I say no.Copy !req
64. I say me.
I say Leela!Copy !req
65. I say yes.
I say no.Copy !req
66. I say Leela, too.Copy !req
67. I say yes again.Copy !req
68. I say I shall join her.Copy !req
69. But it's only
a one-man craft, I say.Copy !req
70. There'll only be
one man. Me.Copy !req
71. How would you feel
if I rode rear as your
personal tail gunner?Copy !req
72. Creeped out.Copy !req
73. Then it's decided!Copy !req
74. Are you sure I have to
sit in your lap?Copy !req
75. It'll help us achieve
maximum thrust.Copy !req
76. Ugh!
Ugh!Copy !req
77. I made you some
trail mix for the flight.Copy !req
78. Also, this picture,
to remember me.Copy !req
79. You hold on to it.Copy !req
80. I'll be back soon.Copy !req
81. Activating stealth shielding.Copy !req
82. Liftoff!Copy !req
83. I'll roger that.Copy !req
84. Does anybody else feel
aroused and jealous
and worried?Copy !req
85. I haven't felt
much of anything
since my guinea pig died.Copy !req
86. Death sphere in range.Copy !req
87. Engaging
holographic targeting.Copy !req
88. Activating the force.Copy !req
89. Feel the entrance, Leela.Copy !req
90. Destination on your left
in 0.3 miles.Copy !req
91. Zapp to Leela.
Look at all that
surveillance equipment.Copy !req
92. We better whisper.Copy !req
93. Switching to
pillow talk mode.Copy !req
94. Look!
What are those huge letters?Copy !req
95. V-GINY?Copy !req
96. Doesn't ring a bell.Copy !req
97. Hmm. I don't like
the looks of this V-GINY.Copy !req
98. Does anyone recognize
those call letters?Copy !req
99. Nope. It's not in the
Janeway's guide, either.Copy !req
100. Deciphering that
ID code is critical.Copy !req
101. I'll be in the chamber
of understanding.Copy !req
102. This is it,
the moment we should
have trained for.Copy !req
103. Holy...Copy !req
104. Incoming yucky.Copy !req
105. Firing pocket-rocket!Copy !req
106. Don't panic, Leela.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
107. I hope this is
the control stick.Copy !req
108. Captain's log.
We've lost control.Copy !req
109. Addendum. Whoa!Copy !req
110. And now,
back to The Transcredible
Exploits of Zapp Brannigan.Copy !req
111. Chapter Two.
The heat thickens.Copy !req
112. Leela, wake up.Copy !req
113. I can't face this
mysterious planet aloneCopy !req
114. without you or
someone like you.Copy !req
115. Zapp? Zapp, wake up.Copy !req
116. Leela, where are we?Copy !req
117. We crashed on
an uncharted planet.Copy !req
118. When I woke up,
I was pinned under this tree.Copy !req
119. Can you help me?Copy !req
120. If anyone can move it,
I can.Copy !req
121. No one can move it.
Are you hurt?Copy !req
122. No, but I'm so thirsty.Copy !req
123. This space suit
is making me sweat
like a sow.Copy !req
124. Me, too.Copy !req
125. We'd better strip them off
and continue surviving
au naturel.Copy !req
126. Uh, I suppose so.Copy !req
127. Here, we can cover ourselves
with these sticky,
sap-covered leaves.Copy !req
128. I'll try to avert my eyes
from your nudery.Copy !req
129. You will?
What's the point?Copy !req
130. You'll have to look
sooner or later.Copy !req
131. Well, I promise not to
abuse the privilege.Copy !req
132. For now,
I'd better scout around
for food and water and help.Copy !req
133. What a thoughtful and
considerate thing to say.Copy !req
134. What the hell's
wrong with you?Copy !req
135. I'm not quite sure.Copy !req
136. Perhaps it's the fresh air
or severe head injury.Copy !req
137. In any case, I'm off.Copy !req
138. If you see any steaks,
that'd be good!Copy !req
139. Why isn't Leela back yet?
Do you think she's okay?Copy !req
140. How should I know?
And how come you never
ask if I'm okay?Copy !req
141. I'm feeling
a little neglected here.Copy !req
142. Oh. Sorry.
Are you okay, Bender?
Shut up.Copy !req
143. What difference
does it make?Copy !req
144. When that death sphere
gets to Earth,Copy !req
145. we'll all be blown
to manwich meat.Copy !req
146. Well, I guess
it's time to indulgeCopy !req
147. in some end-of-the-world
debauchery.Copy !req
148. Who's up for an orgy?Copy !req
149. Yeah!
Yes!Copy !req
150. Nah.
Nah.Copy !req
151. Maybe a Parcheesi tournament.Copy !req
152. Belay that
Parcheesi tournament.Copy !req
153. I've identified
the death sphere.Copy !req
154. We may yet have
a faint hope of survival!Copy !req
155. Still,
a Parcheesi tournament.Copy !req
156. This is a top-secret
military satelliteCopy !req
157. launched by the air force
in 1998.Copy !req
158. And this is
a top-secret FCC satellite
launched that same yearCopy !req
159. to censor
indecent TV programs.Copy !req
160. Like The Pimpsons
and Ass-o-rama?Copy !req
161. Precisely.Copy !req
162. However,
the satellites collided
shortly after launchCopy !req
163. and were never
heard from again.Copy !req
164. I found the board!Copy !req
165. Now I've
simulated that collision
using shrapnel-vision.Copy !req
166. Granted, all that
makes perfect sense.Copy !req
167. But why is this death sphere
destroying planets?Copy !req
168. That makes
the most sense of all.Copy !req
169. Look at the planets
it's destroyed so far.Copy !req
170. First came X-3,
the nude beach planet,Copy !req
171. then, Poopiter,Copy !req
172. and finally that world
that can't be mentioned
in polite company.Copy !req
173. You mean...Copy !req
174. How dare you?Copy !req
175. So, the death-sphere is
"censoring" indecent planets?Copy !req
176. Indeed, and we're next
if we can't keep it in
our collective pants.Copy !req
177. Our sole hope
is to persuade
the people of EarthCopy !req
178. to abandon
their smutty ways.Copy !req
179. So, the orgy's off?Copy !req
180. So thirsty.Copy !req
181. Why couldn't
a water fountain
have fallen on me?Copy !req
182. I couldn't find any water,Copy !req
183. but the moisture in these
fruit-and-nut berries
should sustain you.Copy !req
184. Thank you.Copy !req
185. I climbed perilously
high into the trees
to pick them,Copy !req
186. yet I saw no sign
of intelligent life.Copy !req
187. Bummer.Copy !req
188. Moreover, the crash
totally destroyed our ship.Copy !req
189. So, we're stuck here
until someone finds us?Copy !req
190. Alas,
that may never happen.Copy !req
191. Stealth technology
makes the ship
impossible to locate,Copy !req
192. yet easy to stub
your crotch on.Copy !req
193. Well, there's worse places
to be marooned.Copy !req
194. Plenty of food,
mild climate.Copy !req
195. It's a veritable
Garden of Eden.Copy !req
196. It is?Copy !req
197. Hello.Copy !req
198. Did that snake
say, "Hello"?Copy !req
199. No.
We're both delirious
from dehydration.Copy !req
200. Just like Adam and Eve.Copy !req
201. We can still
save Earth. People are
sure to clean up their actCopy !req
202. when presented
with cold, hard facts
by rational folks like us.Copy !req
203. The end is near!
Repent thy sins!Copy !req
204. I'll thinks it overs
while I engages
this $5 hooker.Copy !req
205. Don't do it!
It's not worth it!Copy !req
206. Okay, make it $3.Copy !req
207. Yuck! I don't wants
no $3 hooker.Copy !req
208. I'm going backs to
the adults bookstore.Copy !req
209. Adult bookstore?
I thought this was
the public library.Copy !req
210. No. Pubic Library.Copy !req
211. Zapp? Where are you?Copy !req
212. Oh, God, I'm actually
starting to miss him.Copy !req
213. Maybe you two
belong together.Copy !req
214. We do not.
And you can't talk.Copy !req
215. Come on.Copy !req
216. It must be
an awful temptation.Copy !req
217. Guess who just
killed a woodchuck
with his bare feet?Copy !req
218. I thought I'd whip
us up some shelter,Copy !req
219. make this a little more
like home.Copy !req
220. I do miss the Earth terribly.
I wonder if it's even
still there.Copy !req
221. Let's find out together.Copy !req
222. I'll brave
the ship's wreckage
to fetch you the telescope.Copy !req
223. That's so sweet.Copy !req
224. I'm just saying, is all.Copy !req
225. I know my new plan
is a long shot, but it's
the only hope left.Copy !req
226. Well, now
I've heard everything.Copy !req
227. On my iPod.Copy !req
228. So, do you have
a new plan, Professor?
And is there any hope left?Copy !req
229. Indeed. We're here on
Earth's last unspoiled acreCopy !req
230. to show the death sphere
there's still purity
in the world.Copy !req
231. Begin transmitting.Copy !req
232. Commence purity chant.Copy !req
233. Hey, I'm proud
of you, Bender.Copy !req
234. Avoiding sin for
almost a full minute.Copy !req
235. Bender?Copy !req
236. Yeah, baby.
You're quite a dish.Copy !req
237. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
238. Oh, no.
Bender, stop! Stop!Copy !req
239. Quiet your riot.
What's the worst
that could happen?Copy !req
240. No! No!Copy !req
241. Earth is gone!Copy !req
242. We're the only two humans
left in the universe!Copy !req
243. Oh, God.
I'm sorry, Leela.Copy !req
244. Maybe this was
meant to be.Copy !req
245. Maybe you and I
were meant to build
a new world here.Copy !req
246. We can avoid
humanity's mistakes.Copy !req
247. Like the tuba.Copy !req
248. Yes! We'll be
like Adam and Eve.Copy !req
249. Only without the tuba.Copy !req
250. And we'll beget
little Zapp junior.
And Leela junior.Copy !req
251. And they'll have
kids of their... Yuck!Copy !req
252. Is that really what
happened in the Bible?Copy !req
253. It's a sick and twisted
book of holiness, all right.Copy !req
254. Then we'll write
our own Bible.Copy !req
255. With less Sodom
and more Gomorrah.Copy !req
256. Let's do it.Copy !req
257. I shall become the mother
of a new world,Copy !req
258. trapped here,
under this tree.Copy !req
259. The tree of knowledge!Copy !req
260. Look, it even has apples!Copy !req
261. Ow!Copy !req
262. Wow.Copy !req
263. Come here, Adam.
Partake of my
forbidden fruit.Copy !req
264. Thee will be done.Copy !req
265. Wait. One more bite
before we begin
the begetting.Copy !req
266. Mmm. Juicy.Copy !req
267. Those nut berries you
found were so salty,
I couldn't think straight.Copy !req
268. I mean,
not to belabor it,Copy !req
269. but they were as salty
as that bag of trail mix
Fry gave me.Copy !req
270. Exactly as salty.
Hey! Wait a second!Copy !req
271. Uh...Copy !req
272. I have a terrible
confession to make.Copy !req
273. You see, when I first
went foraging,Copy !req
274. what I actually found
was the smoldering
wreckage of the ship.Copy !req
275. Ignoring all danger,
I charged inside to
liberate our provisions.Copy !req
276. So, this is the
trail mix Fry gave me!Copy !req
277. Yes. I exaggerated
when I said I picked it
from the treetops.Copy !req
278. I just wanted you to think
a little better of me.Copy !req
279. Well, your motives
were good.Copy !req
280. And we were both
loopy from dehydration.Copy !req
281. Hey, wait.Copy !req
282. You've been doing
an awful lot of urinating.Copy !req
283. There's plenty of water.
You see,Copy !req
284. after I selflessly
rescued the trail mix,Copy !req
285. I braved the flames once more
in search of fluids.Copy !req
286. Then why didn't
you give me any?Copy !req
287. I thought it might
help you forget your
intense hatred for meCopy !req
288. if you were
a teensy bit delirious.Copy !req
289. So, you let me dehydrateCopy !req
290. while you washed down
the trail mix with
imported mineral water?Copy !req
291. Not exactly.Copy !req
292. You see,
besides the trail mix,Copy !req
293. the minibar also
contained Doritos,
beef jerkyCopy !req
294. and a generous assortment
of fine chocolates.Copy !req
295. I wanted to offer you
the chocolates.Copy !req
296. I truly did.
But I was concerned
about your waistline.Copy !req
297. Very concerned.Copy !req
298. It's because
I haven't been exercising.Copy !req
299. If only this tree
hadn't fallen on me
by chance.Copy !req
300. Oh, dear God!Copy !req
301. It was just after
we crashed.Copy !req
302. I awoke first,
to find you trapped.Copy !req
303. Leela! Leela, wake up.Copy !req
304. You could've moved
this grub-infested log
any time you wanted?Copy !req
305. Well, sure.Copy !req
306. But then I wouldn't have
been able to provide
the loving careCopy !req
307. you wouldn't have needed.Copy !req
308. I'd leave you to rot
in this paradise,Copy !req
309. if only the ship
weren't destroyed.Copy !req
310. The ship's fully functional,
isn't it?Copy !req
311. You see,
after re-trapping youCopy !req
312. and before
feigning unconsciousness,Copy !req
313. I paused to enjoy a cigar.Copy !req
314. Though mellow and satisfying,
it did parch me a bit,Copy !req
315. so I went in
search of brandy.Copy !req
316. That's when
my keen senses detected
the still-invisible ship.Copy !req
317. So, we can
go back to Earth?Copy !req
318. But there is
no Earth anymore.
Everyone I know is dead!Copy !req
319. This seems like a good place
to take a dump.Copy !req
320. Leela? You're alive!Copy !req
321. Fry!Copy !req
322. But how did you
find this planet?Copy !req
323. Well?Copy !req
324. We're actually on Earth.Copy !req
325. The ship's homing device
brought us back.Copy !req
326. But I saw Earth explode!Copy !req
327. I'm actually kind of
proud of this one.Copy !req
328. You see, what you sawCopy !req
329. was merely a simulation
I rigged upCopy !req
330. using the ship's holographic
targeting projector.Copy !req
331. The alleged telescope
was a toilet paper tube.Copy !req
332. You said there wasn't
any toilet paper!Copy !req
333. And that humanity
was annihilated!Copy !req
334. My motives were pure.Copy !req
335. I just wanted you to think
we had to save humanity,Copy !req
336. so you'd be willing
to have sex.Copy !req
337. Please say you believe me.Copy !req
338. Yes, I believe you.Copy !req
339. There must be
something to steal
on this island.Copy !req
340. Hey, it's Leela.Copy !req
341. Let's go home, everybody.
At least the world
wasn't destroyed.Copy !req
342. Yet.Copy !req
343. People of Earth!Copy !req
344. Hear the righteous word
of the mighty V-GINY!Copy !req
345. The mighty V-GINY!Copy !req
346. Seeing you frolic in
this unspoiled gardenCopy !req
347. gives hope that this world
may yet be redeemed.Copy !req
348. Huzzah! The purity
chant worked!Copy !req
349. Unacceptable
wardrobe malfunction!Copy !req
350. I was referring
to Adam and Eve.Copy !req
351. We're not Adam and Eve.
You see, due to
a series of...Copy !req
352. Consummate your union
or I shall destroy Earth.Copy !req
353. Well, if it's to save Earth,
I guess I could
take one for the team.Copy !req
354. You what? Right now?
But I need a little
romance first.Copy !req
355. Maybe a vanilla candle
or something?Copy !req
356. Commence intercourse!Copy !req
357. Those giant guns are
making me feel
sort of inadequate.Copy !req
358. I'm not sure if I can...
Move it.Copy !req
359. I've got to get home
and do laundry.Copy !req
360. For God's sake,
censor it! Censor it!Copy !req
361. Approved for all audiences!Copy !req
362. No!Copy !req
363. And now,
the spicy finaleCopy !req
364. of The Transcredible Exploits
of Zapp Brannigan.Copy !req
365. That was a close call,
but we saved Earth.Copy !req
366. Was it as good for you
as it was for the human race?Copy !req
367. Oh, Zapp. Let's save
another planet right now!Copy !req