Futurama 5x4

Directed by James Purdum

When Zoidberg publicly devours an Earth flag, he is sentenced to death for his anarchic behavior. Before the sentence can be carried out, the Decapodians come to Zoidberg's aid by invading Earth, teaching the populace the true meaning of freedom.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

2. Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

3. There's no denying it, the future's crazy.

4. Oh, well, don't want to stand out.

5. Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

6. Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

7. There's nothing crazy about it.

8. It's just Freedom Day.

9. So, what is Freedom Day?

10. Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.

11. No. It's a fabulous, crabulous day!

12. If you want to do something, you do it,

13. and to spleck with the consequences!

14. You know, like how I live every day.

15. Happy Freedom Day!

16. Oh, I think my wrist is broken.

17. Of course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day

18. without the traditional freedom tub.

19. - Ooh. - Wow, baby.

20. Mm, that'll feel nice on my shattered bones.

21. Wow, nude hot-tubbing?

22. That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day.

23. Then consider the following lecture a bonus.

24. On Earth, freedom is a given.

25. But on my planet, we have to suffer for it.

26. Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor,

27. if you want your parents to roll over in their graves!

28. Sure, you can vote for Shknadel,

29. if you want there should be a recession!

30. Sure, you can go to medical school,

31. if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian!

32. That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want

33. and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares.

34. We're not listening!

35. That's what I'm talking about.

36. Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

37. Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

38. Excuse me, coming through!

39. Freedom Train arriving on track one.

40. - Ow, you broke my foot! - Freedom!

41. What's this next float, Linda?

42. Representing our men, women and children in uniform,

43. it's Earth's greatest space hero, Zapp Brannigan.

44. Happy Freedom Day, ladies.

45. Come on, let loose and show me something.

46. Anything. Seriously, I'd take an armpit.

47. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Linda.

48. You're welcome!

49. Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn.

50. If that is your Freedom Day wish...

51. Thank you, Secretary of Transportation.

52. My fellow Earthicans...

53. We enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening.

54. We're free to choose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in.

55. And if we don't want to pay our taxes

56. why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.

57. See you April 15, folks!

58. Cue the fireworks guy.

59. - Ooh... - Ah...

60. Incidentally, tonight's Freedom Day celebration

61. is brought to you by

62. Shankman's Rubbing Compound.

63. When something needs rubbing, think Shankman.

64. Yeah, Shankman!

65. It costs a little more, but it's worth it.

66. Our planet has been through so much this past year,

67. wars, droughts, impeachments,

68. but we've never lost our sense of what's truly important,

69. the great taste of Charleston Chew.

70. And now, let us salute

71. that beloved symbol of freedom, our flag,

72. Ol' Freebie.

73. I'm swelling with patriotic mucus.

74. In our darkest hour,

75. we can stand erect with proud, upthrust bosoms...

76. Anyone who laughs is a Communist.

77. knowing that, with a shifty glance skyward,

78. we will see by the rocket's red glare

79. that our flag is still there.

80. It's gone!

81. Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag!

82. And I did it with pride.

83. For to express oneself by doing a thing

84. is the very essence of Freedom Day.

85. Bless this planet and all its wonderful people.

86. Kill him!

87. Kill the traitor!

88. Hey, it's the guy who desecrated our flag!

89. Stop that Red menace!

90. Oh, I'm all scuttled out.

91. What?

92. My planet's embassy?

93. They're paid to not kill me.

94. I thought I understood this world.

95. I thought I was fitting in.

96. But I guess I don't belong here any more than I do

97. on our crappy home planet.

98. Ooh, sorry.

99. What, sorry? Our planet stinks. We all know it.

100. Enough with the persecution, I'm saying.

101. Zoidberg, as Ambassador, I promise you the full support

102. of our government already.

103. Poor boy. You want maybe a nice mug cocoa?

104. Ambassador Moivin, you and your staff are so kind.

105. I am truly humbled.

106. What, no marshmallows?

107. Let's storm the place!

108. Without my prior knowledge.

109. Coming through, Freedom Train, step aside.

110. You, too, Fatso, freedom!

111. Cool your jowls, Nixon.

112. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag.

113. You may even find the image of it festering in his bowels

114. somehow offensive,

115. but the right to freedom of expression

116. is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution.

117. Maybe so.

118. But I know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat.

119. The Supreme Court hereby accepts the case of Earth v. Zoidberg.

120. Sock it to 'em!

121. Two, four, six, eight, eating the flag is bad.

122. Now, your noose knot has exactly seven twists.

123. You can eat my dog

124. You can eat my truck

125. But you eat my flag and you're out of luck

126. She's a-waving proud around the world

127. From Dallas to Fort Worth

128. Let me say it again...

129. Don't mess with Earth!

130. They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg.

131. Posers. I was hating Zoidberg before it was cool.

132. Where are we ever going to find a lawyer to take his case?

133. I'll ask the head of the ACLU,

134. once he's done singing.

135. Don't mess with Earth

136. Kill Zoidberg! Good night!

137. Howdy there.

138. I'm a lawyer, and I'd like to help your friend out of this pickle.

139. Who are you, old man?

140. Name's Old Man Waterfall,

141. but most folks just call me "Old Man."

142. I'll never remember that.

143. I'm a veteran of three dozen wars.

144. Name a body part and a planet

145. and I've taken a bullet in it, on it,

146. all to keep our flag flyin' free.

147. And you want to defend Zoidberg?

148. Are you familiar with the old robot saying...

149. "Does not compute"?

150. Son, to me, a robot's just a garbage can

151. with sparks coming out of it.

152. The sparks keep me warm.

153. I don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did

154. but I'll fight tooth and nail for his freedom to do it.

155. Or, I would, if I hadn't lost my teeth and nails

156. on Mars and Saturn, respectively.

157. Wait, you're a lawyer? You're hired!

158. You okay there in the Embassy, Zoidberg?

159. No. There's no cocoa marshmallows.

160. And every night, the rats eat a little more of my foot.

161. Oyez, oyez, oyez.

162. All rise for the Honorable Chief Justice Myrtle Fu

163. and the Associate Justices.

164. Counsel, you may address the court on behalf of Earth

165. if you're ready.

166. I was hatched ready.

167. Honorable Judgeheads, yonder crawdad done et up our flag.

168. I was doing freedom of speech. Earth's most sacred right.

169. Your Honor, freedom of speech applies to what comes out of a mouth,

170. not what goes in.

171. Can Counsel cite precedent?

172. Uh, yes, darlin', I can.

173. In State of Alabama vs. Giant Space Iguana,

174. chewing the corners off the Constitution was deemed nonprotected speech.

175. He shut you up, O'Connor.

176. Mr. Waterfall,

177. you may now present arguments on behalf of Dr. Zoidberg.

178. Oh, God, I'm nervous.

179. Two of my three hearts are having attacks.

180. Court's kind of fun when it's not my ass on the line.

181. Nachos?

182. Oh, Land O' Goshen.

183. Your Honors, I'm not some slick, big-city lawyer

184. like my opponent here...

185. but I am a veteran who has fought for his planet.

186. You see this hand of mine?

187. Yes, I do.

188. No, you don't, 'cause I lost my real hand

189. planting the flag when we took back Halley's Comet.

190. Yet it was worth it, so much do I love that flag.

191. Aw...

192. I love it even more than I love my seven wives.

193. That's right, I'm a polygamist.

194. Yet I would gladly eat a flag myself,

195. had I not used my intestine as a rope

196. to hoist a flag made of my own skin,

197. if it would protect the freedoms of the proud people

198. who salute that flag.

199. Freedoms such as polygamy.

200. I rest my case.

201. Whoa, geez.

202. The Justices and I will now confer using high-speed telepathy.

203. By a vote of six to three, we find that flag-eating

204. is not protected by the Constitution.

205. Six to three? I beat the spread.

206. The court orders an immediate public apology.

207. Apology accepted.

208. Just don't let it happen again.

209. She means you, you turkey of the sea.

210. Me, apologize? Never!

211. I came to this planet to learn the meaning of freedom!

212. But I say it's you who should get a nice lesson!

213. So, do your worst, because no punishment could be bigger

214. than denying me my freedom!

215. You are hereby sentenced to death.

216. Wait, let me finish!

217. Also, in a rare double-whammy decision,

218. the court finds polygamy constitutional.

219. I can't wait to tell my husband.

220. Remember, men, take him alive, so there's something left to kill.

221. Stay back!

222. This Embassy is sovereign mud of the mud planet Decapod 10.

223. Invading these mud premises is an act of war!

224. Yeah? Well, what are you going to do about it, shrimpy?

225. You want to see, Mr. Bigshot?

226. Attack Earth!

227. Yes, I know it's a shlep, just do it!

228. A-ha! Now the rubber band's on the other claw!

229. Ready? Retreat!

230. Shh!

231. Deny my freedom, will you?

232. Well, we'll do to you

233. what we did to the Squash Men of the Squash Planet,

234. squish them!

235. - Charleston Chew? - You bet.

236. All right, Kif, let's show these freaks

237. what a bloated, runaway military budget can do.

238. Bring me the activation codes for our global defense network.

239. Aye, aye, sir.

240. Commence lip identification scan.

241. No tongue.

242. Mm...

243. We can't be too careful with these codes.

244. Rumor has it, a double agent may be aboard this very ship.

245. I'm watching you.

246. You, Ensign, what's your name?

247. Hugh Mann, sir.

248. Hugh Mann.

249. Now, that's a name I can trust.

250. Run down to the central battle computer

251. and enter these codes, chop-chop.

252. Um, sir, there's something about that Ensign...

253. You're damn right there is.

254. That strapping young lad's gunning for your job,

255. and he just might get it.

256. The enemy approacheth.

257. Lieutenant, fire missile one and recommend me for another medal.

258. Make it gaudy, I'm going clubbing later.

259. Tick-tock.

260. Sir, all planetary defenses have been disabled.

261. Perhaps the Decapodians acquired our secret codes.

262. Somehow.

263. Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame.

264. Steady... Steady...

265. Now!

266. Dr. Zoidberg,

267. how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave all of Earth?

268. Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom

269. until it learns what it is to not have freedom.

270. It's a lesson, I say.

271. Ow!

272. What the hell is this dirt pile we're building, anyhow?

273. None of your beeswax, slave.

274. You'll find out soon enough.

275. Just focus on globbing that mud.

276. Glob!

277. I'm not good at being a slave.

278. I'm thinking about graduate school.

279. You know, to become a barber.

280. This can't go on.

281. Today is the day we fight back!

282. It's already 10:00.

283. Oh, you're right.

284. Tomorrow is the day we fight back.

285. Yeah? Well, good luck, sister.

286. All our modern technology is useless.

287. I know I am.

288. Hey, wait. I'm having one of those things.

289. You know, a headache with pictures.

290. An idea?

291. Back in my day,

292. we didn't have your fancy all-digital weapons,

293. but we still managed to kill each other just fine.

294. Ah, the crossbow.

295. A pitiless, elegant killing machine.

296. The Bender of the 15th century.

297. Not big enough.

298. We need something that can take out an entire army.

299. Something you could commit a war crime with...

300. Ow.

301. Earth's slaves, behold the fruit of your labors...

302. The Mobile Oppression Palace!

303. Neat.

304. I don't need to tell you that occupation forces are expensive.

305. But with the Mobile Oppression Palace,

306. a few dignitaries can oppress your entire planet

307. for pennies a day.

308. Warships dismissed!

309. Do your worst you sea devils!

310. I'll make my stand with Ol' Freebie!

311. You can crush me, but you can't crush my spirit!

312. Ah! My spirit!

313. Great-Grandpa, no!

314. Another victim of the manocentric male-ocracy.

315. Ambassador Moivin, you killed my lawyer.

316. You're welcome.

317. He defended my freedom when no one else would.

318. He was a good and honorable man.

319. I request a satanic funeral.

320. Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression

321. is shmutzing up our freedom lesson?

322. Oh, take a pill, Zoidberg.

323. Begin again with the crushing!

324. You haven't won yet, Moivin.

325. You didn't expect us to even go to a museum,

326. much less steal this ancient heat-seeking missile.

327. I don't even know you.

328. Oh, it's going to make such a mess.

329. This is your secret plan?

330. Meh!

331. Heat-seeking missiles are useless against the Mobile Oppression Palace.

332. All Decapodian technology is cold-blooded, like us.

333. All eyes on Zoidberg!

334. Ew!

335. Hey, I need that to smoke!

336. Zoidberg, how could you?

337. I used to think you were cool.

338. Wait, people of Earth, listen.

339. Yes, I'm desecrating a flag,

340. but to preserve the freedom it represents.

341. Blech!

342. Zoidberg, you set us free!

343. I feel like I could stand to hug you.

344. I can't, but you know what I'm trying to say.

345. Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!

346. Ah, if only they appreciated freedom this much

347. on my home planet.

348. Wait a second, they do!

349. Because this is my home planet.

350. And now, to raise this beautiful new flag,

351. a red lobster that won't ruin your dinner,

352. Dr. John Zoidberg!

353. You're a nice man, Nixon.

354. Dr. Zoidberg, how's about you take a bite of the flag for tomorrow's papers?

355. Oh, I couldn't.

356. No, no, go ahead.

357. You've earned it.

358. Well, maybe just a taste.

359. Mm...

360. Now, that's a grand old flag!

361. I wonder what the Shroud of Turin tastes like.

362. Freedom.