Futurama 5x16

Directed by Rich Moore

Desperate to learn how to play the holophonor in order to impress Leela, Fry swaps hands with the Robot Devil. He goes on to become a skilled holophonor player, winning Leela's heart and penning an opera about her life story, but the Robot Devil still has a trick or two up his sleeve.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Huh?

2. I choose to not understand these signs.

3. - A-ha. - B... Bender.

4. I was just not playing the Holophonor.

5. Yeah? Well, you should try not stinking at it.

6. Well, I am trying. I've been taking lessons.

7. Lessons? Ha, that's rich.

8. Isn't it time you gave up all hope

9. of ever improving yourself in any way?

10. I know I should, but I just can't.

11. Remember when I had those stomach worms that made me smart?

12. I could play the Holophonor, and it made Leela like me.

13. Hey, Bender, as long as you know,

14. I have a Holophonor recital Tuesday

15. and I'd really like to have somebody there. Please?

16. Fine, I'll go already.

17. You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive.

18. Not often, though.

19. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

20. Hey.

21. - Uh, hello, Mrs. Mellinger. - Hello, Philip.

22. And you must be Mr. Bender.

23. Philip's told me so much about you.

24. Is it true that you're a robot?

25. I prefer the term "Love machine."

26. Wow, your kid is great.

27. How hard did you say you had to hit him?

28. Fairly hard.

29. The Grumpy Snail.

30. Sorry.

31. It's too grumpy.

32. Whoo!

33. Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child.

34. Then good day, madam.

35. We hope to see you soon for tea.

36. It's hopeless.

37. I can hear all this great music in my head

38. but my stupid hands can't keep up.

39. Aw, you know what always cheers me up?

40. Laughing at other people's misfortunes.

41. Hey, guys, you missed a great delivery to Space Earth.

42. Where you been all afternoon?

43. At a... A concert.

44. Ooh, was it jazz noodling?

45. My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax.

46. I used to listen for hours

47. while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.

48. So, musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?

49. Yeah, it's weird.

50. Sean was uneducated, unambitious,

51. - he was pasty and hunched... - Pretty boy.

52. but when he played

53. I could sense this incredible, beautiful, creative soul.

54. Then one day, I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.

55. I couldn't even believe that. It was really...

56. That could be my beautiful soul

57. sitting naked on her couch

58. if I could just learn to play this stupid thing.

59. Oh, but you can.

60. Though you may have to metaphorically

61. "make a deal with the Devil."

62. And by "Devil," I mean Robot Devil,

63. and by "Metaphorically," I mean get your coat.

64. You hit a sour note

65. about 200 years back, Doug.

66. Let's take it from the top.

67. Ah, Bender, Fry!

68. You've come back for more eternal damnation.

69. No, this isn't a religious visit.

70. Fry just wants Holophonor lessons.

71. Yep. I need to get really good without practicing.

72. Hell is full of ten-year-olds

73. who wanted exactly the same thing.

74. Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher

75. Mrs. Mellinger, calls "Stupid Fingers."

76. With hands like that

77. you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle.

78. Now, wouldn't it be nice

79. if you had a pair of robot hands

80. to replace them?

81. Sure would.

82. Oh, well. Good-bye.

83. Fry, you smelly idiot.

84. I think he's willing to make some kind of a deal with the Devil with you.

85. He... He is? Great.

86. Wait, what's the catch?

87. No catch.

88. I'll merely pick a robot at random

89. from somewhere in the universe,

90. probably one you've never even met,

91. and then I'll remove his hands

92. and switch them for yours.

93. It's just the sort of guy I am. What do you say?

94. Uh, I don't know.

95. It doesn't seem entirely moral to...

96. Fry, if you don't take this offer right now

97. I will lose all respect for you and punch you.

98. Well... all right.

99. You're sure I probably won't know him?

100. Definitely probably not.

101. - Just sign this contract... - Wow.

102. And here we go.

103. I got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exam-Bot.

104. "Robot Devil?"

105. I get your hands? 'Zam!

106. Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome.

107. It's not ironic. It's just coincidental.

108. Now fork over those ladyfingers, cookie.

109. You know, I only put my name on there

110. as a show of good faith for the other robots.

111. Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off.

112. Oh, very well.

113. How'd you do that?

114. They're very good hands.

115. At last.

116. At last I have the power to make Leela love me.

117. Oh, sorry. That'll wear off in a couple of days.

118. Check it out, everyone. I'm back from Hell

119. and I've got the Robot Devil's hands.

120. Neat. Let's see a trick.

121. All righty.

122. Somebody called the Robot Devil's here

123. to see somebody called Fry.

124. Uh-oh.

125. Where'd I go just now?

126. Hello, Fry.

127. Just dropped by to make sure

128. you're as happy with our little deal as I am.

129. Oh... give me back my hands.

130. These things are always touching me in places.

131. Yeah, they get around,

132. but I'm afraid we had a deal.

133. Looks like I wasted a bus trip.

134. Yes, you did.

135. Yes, now you can hear Holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry

136. play 900 of these classic themes in your own home

137. on this two-record set.

138. That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99.

139. Only $14.99 for a two-record set.

140. Two records.

141. Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

142. - Hello. - Hello? I'll take eight.

143. A Mr. Hedonismbot to see you.

144. - Uh, show him in. - Very good, sir.

145. Ah, Fry, congratulations.

146. Your latest performance was as delectable

147. as dipping my bottom over and over

148. into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.

149. Thank you, sir.

150. That's exactly what I was going for.

151. You were the sole diversion

152. in what has been a pale and un-amusing season,

153. and so, I would fain commission you write an opera.

154. But I've never written an opera.

155. And I've never heard one.

156. Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture

157. I shall consider it a smashing success.

158. But I wouldn't even know what to write about. Unless...

159. Okay, I'll do it

160. if I can make it about Leela.

161. Me? Really?

162. A man writing an opera about a woman?

163. Oh, sirrah, how deliciously absurd.

164. I shall see you at the premiere.

165. Is it part of the opera?

166. Leela. You shouldn't be listening.

167. I don't want you to hear it till it's done.

168. But it's so beautiful.

169. So is a peacock, but you don't eat it until it's cooked.

170. This has to be perfect.

171. I want you to hear exactly what I hear

172. when I think about you.

173. Oh, Fry, all this time you've had this incredible gift

174. and I never knew.

175. I've been a fool, a fully justified, prudent fool.

176. They're so cold.

177. And yet Hell is so hot.

178. Can I have my hands back now?

179. - No! - You're not nice.

180. Ah, Bender, this is a surprise...

181. for you, finding me in the refrigerator.

182. True, but at least I don't have the hiccups anymore.

183. - What up? - Oh, well, it so happens

184. I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.

185. - Forget it. you can't tempt me. - Really?

186. There's nothing you want?

187. Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.

188. Well, I suppose I've always wondered what it would be like

189. to be more annoying.

190. Nothing simpler,

191. and all I ask in return is your hands

192. to replace these bony hot dogs.

193. Grabby and Squeezy?

194. Never. I love these guys.

195. Well, is there anything else you would part with?

196. No, nothing, ain't gonna happen.

197. Yes. With this built-in stadium air horn

198. I can really annoy people

199. and all it cost me was my crotch plate.

200. You certainly are a shrewd businessman, Bender.

201. Now find someone and give them a good blast.

202. Yeah, that'll teach the first person I see a lesson.

203. Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan

204. is one quarter complete.

205. Well, Fry's opera premieres tomorrow night.

206. I'm off to find a pair of formal gloves

207. that will fit over my enormous forearms.

208. Pretty annoying, huh, Leela?

209. What? Are you talking?

210. Oh, God, I'm deaf.

211. Oops. I'm so, so sorry, Leela.

212. I just wanted to annoy you.

213. What? Oh, this is horrible.

214. I won't be able to hear Fry's opera.

215. Ah, how delightfully ironic.

216. It's not ironic.

217. It's just mean. Take this.

218. Ooh, out of aerosol.

219. Also ironic.

220. Oh, yeah?

221. Well, bite my shiny metal...

222. Oh, no!

223. Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf.

224. If he found out I couldn't hear his opera,

225. it'd break his heart.

226. Okay, deaf-o.

227. Courtesans and gentlefops,

228. I bid you welcome to my opera.

229. Let us cavort like the Greeks of old.

230. You know the ones I mean.

231. Yay, Fry.

232. I watch TV with that guy.

233. Who is this one-eyed female baby Moses?

234. With courage in her female baby smile?

235. A savior from the stars

236. Or something stranger still?

237. Or just a lonely, filthy, starving child?

238. Amy, Fry's looking at me.

239. What am I supposed to be feeling?

240. Ah.

241. Leela

242. Leela, Leela

243. Save him

244. Save Fry, save Fry

245. Godzilla will devour him

246. As for me, I must be off

247. To have my doctor check this cough

248. Good-bye

249. I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla,

250. but that is so what I would have done.

251. Oh, it was a lovely show.

252. One diet double martini, please.

253. And for you, sir?

254. I'll just have a Shirley Hemphill.

255. Extra, extra.

256. World's greatest opera only half over.

257. Half over? Oh!

258. I'd give anything to hear the rest.

259. Anything?

260. Thank you, sir.

261. Now, as I was saying...

262. Anything?

263. Because I can give you new robotic ears.

264. What? You can give me new ears?

265. Wait. What seemingly reasonable thing do you want in return?

266. Just your hands, my dear.

267. Whatever you said, forget it.

268. All right, then. Just one hand.

269. Just... my left hand?

270. Um...

271. Please take your seats for act two.

272. But I'm not done vomiting.

273. I can't stand it.

274. Okay, you can have my hand.

275. Wonderful! Just sign here.

276. Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.

277. Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy...

278. acting talent.

279. I can hear. I can hear like a safecracker.

280. Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand?

281. In good time. You go enjoy the opera.

282. To win Leela's heart with the Holophonor's art

283. I need hands of transcendental quickness

284. Well, I don't see any danger

285. In gambling with a stranger

286. For my head is of a most amazing thickness

287. I'm stupid, I'm stupid

288. I'm stupider than you

289. I'm stupider than you in every way

290. Stupider?

291. This opera is as lousy as it is brilliant.

292. Your lyrics lack subtlety.

293. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel.

294. That makes me feel angry.

295. Look, what do you want?

296. I want my hands back

297. Never.

298. A deal's a deal

299. Even with a dirty dealer

300. Very well, then I'll take

301. What I want from Leela

302. Whoa.

303. Leela has promised me her hand

304. Fry, you do not understand!

305. I should have revealed

306. I'd been deafened by Bender

307. The shame

308. The shame!

309. But I feared you'd stop writing

310. This musical splendor

311. Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender

312. He gave me mechanical ears

313. Effective, though just a bit garish

314. In return, without shedding a tear

315. I agreed that I'd give him my hand

316. In marriage

317. - Huh? - What?

318. You'll give me your hand in marriage

319. Is this really happening

320. Or just being staged?

321. It can't be real

322. Not if Leela is engaged

323. That isn't what I meant

324. That isn't what I signed

325. You should have checked the wording

326. In the fine...

327. Print

328. "I'll give you my hand..."

329. In marriage

330. The use of words expressing something other

331. Than their literal intention

332. Now that is irony

333. I will marry her now and confine her to Hell

334. How droll

335. How droll

336. Where Styx is a river

337. And not just a band

338. Though they'll play our reception

339. If all goes as planned

340. Unless Fry, you surrender my hands!

341. Destiny has cheated me

342. By forcing me to decide upon

343. The woman that I idolize

344. Or the hands of an automaton

345. Without these hands I can't complete

346. The opera that was captivating her

347. But if keep them, and she marries him

348. Then he probably won't want me dating her

349. Arooo.

350. Brave-o.

351. En-core.

352. I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving

353. I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing

354. By the power vested in me

355. By the state of New New York...

356. No! Stop.

357. Take my hands...

358. You evil... metal... dork!

359. Surgery in an opera?

360. How wonderfully decadent.

361. And just as I was beginning to lose interest.

362. Jambi, the chocolate icing.

363. Oh, my, yes.

364. Ooh.

365. My hands.

366. My horrible human hands.

367. And what did you do to my nails?

368. I cleaned them.

369. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night

370. and I feel lucky.

371. So, it's back to Hell for me.

372. - Come on, Nixon. - Huh?

373. Less reality, more fantasy.

374. Resume the opera.

375. But I can't play anymore.

376. Yes, you can.

377. The beauty was in your heart,

378. not your hands.

379. Your music's bad, and you should feel bad.

380. Whoa.

381. Hey.

382. Extra, extra.

383. Greatest opera of all time sucks.

384. I'll take eight.

385. Please don't stop playing, Fry.

386. I want to hear how it ends.