Futurama 5x14

Directed by Dwayne Carey-Hill

A new model of robot threatens Bender, forcing him to run away after he avoids upgrading his own technology.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. $10, please.

2. Oh, man.

3. Sleep, little dumpling.

4. I have replaced your mother!

5. Aw.

6. Oh, my God!

7. Robot deely-boppers!

8. And there's a robot scratching post!

9. You should try it out, Bender.

10. Please, I have some dignity.

11. Ladies and gentlemen,

12. my killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun.

13. It is the finest available.

14. Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby!

15. No one calls me that!

16. I'm having at you!

17. Wernstrom!

18. Such senseless aggression.

19. Come on, let's go for a paddleboat ride.

20. The secret was scratching really, really hard!

21. And now, the woman who "Mom"- opolizes the robot industry...

22. I get it!

23. Oh, now I get it.

24. Hello, dearies.

25. Whoo! I love that old bat!

26. Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row,

27. the future of robotics has arrived.

28. Boys?

29. I give you Robot 1-X!

30. Ow!

31. Oh.

32. Neat.

33. Quite frankly, Robot 1-X

34. will put all my previous models to shame.

35. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?

36. Right here. I'm coming. Come on, baby. I'll do it.

37. Jerk.

38. Here we go.

39. I'm your top-of-the-line, Mom.

40. Notice that this obsolete robot

41. runs on alcohol and emits pollution

42. whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution

43. and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.

44. Man, that smells great!

45. Now let's see how both robots do at a typical household task,

46. sorting a jar of pocket change.

47. Task completed.

48. Total value, $4.73 and one Albanian lek.

49. Very good, Robot 1-X.

50. And you, bending unit?

51. Uh, I never got the change.

52. Suckers.

53. Presenting Mom's Friendly Robots!

54. That new robot is great, huh?

55. He sure made me look like a pile of crap.

56. Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.

57. Let's try him out.

58. Robot 1-X, can you clean Nibbler's stanky litter box?

59. I can and will.

60. Hey, I could've done that if you'd asked me!

61. I asked you five minutes ago.

62. You call that a kiss?

63. I'll show you!

64. Come here, Nibbler!

65. Oh, look, Bender, if you want something to do

66. stop making out and give us a hand.

67. Here. Go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish

68. so we can impress the neighbors.

69. Yes, sir! I'm on it!

70. Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.

71. Gah!

72. Get out of here, freshman!

73. I don't need your help.

74. Our owners asked me to assist you.

75. Yeah? Well, assist this!

76. Help!

77. When I screamed help, I didn't mean you!

78. I apologize.

79. However, I was able to do your job before I saved your life.

80. Don't mind me.

81. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.

82. Spleesh! Mell out, Bender.

83. Come watch some TV.

84. I can't. I'm stuck in the can.

85. Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.

86. Never!

87. Why can't you accept his help?

88. I hate him!

89. But he's just a tool to make your life easier.

90. Like a socket wrench or a burglar's kit.

91. I can't ask for his help because...

92. Yes?

93. I'm scared of him.

94. Oh, sorry.

95. Well, then, there's only one solution.

96. You need an upgrade to make you

97. compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.

98. An upgrade?

99. But I thought we all agreed I was perfect!

100. Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?

101. Oh, yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.

102. "Pretty" perfect?

103. So, you do think I need an upgrade.

104. Yes, for God's sakes, yes!

105. Fine. I'll be back in a few days.

106. Man, I hate those new 1-X robots.

107. I'd like to stab 'em.

108. Give 'em some of these!

109. Yeah! Right on, nutcake!

110. Parole officer says I got to upgrade

111. or he won't give me back my stabbin' knife.

112. But it's no big.

113. I bate those 1-Xs so much,

114. I know it won't affect me.

115. Death to the 1-X robots!

116. I love those magnificent 1-X robots!

117. The 1-X robots are my friends.

118. Wait! What happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?

119. I'm past that.

120. Later, blood!

121. It's like he's not him anymore.

122. You took away his robo-humanity!

123. I changed my mind!

124. Ooh!

125. Yeah, I did it!

126. I escaped!

127. But to what kind of a life?

128. I'm too scared to get the upgrade,

129. but I can't face my friends again without it.

130. And so, I set sail for unknown shores.

131. Oh, merciful Poseidon, take pity on this mechanical mariner!

132. Oh, geez.

133. Curse you, merciful Poseidon!

134. Boy, what is the deal with the ocean?

135. A tropical island, huh?

136. Well, I've washed up in worse places.

137. Okay, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter.

138. There.

139. Well, I guess I'll go out for a while.

140. Damn! One rock short of rescue.

141. Oop, low on power.

142. Better fuel up.

143. Ah, no!

144. Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.

145. Okay, don't panic.

146. I've got these yams.

147. I'll just make some yam schnapps.

148. Hmm...

149. Hey, I should be mad at you!

150. Now turn around.

151. Beer!

152. Ow!

153. Ow!

154. Who are you and why should I care?

155. Side A... We're a community of outdated robots

156. who refused to upgrade and came here...

157. Side B ... to live a simpler existence

158. free of technology.

159. A working cartridge unit?

160. Wow, you guys went obsolete years ago.

161. Your mother.

162. What Cartridge Unit means

163. is the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique.

164. I, for example, need to keep refilling my water wheel

165. or I'll power down forever.

166. Oh, God, I'll never make it this time!

167. This is the end!

168. Anyway, we like it here.

169. Like you have a choice.

170. So what's your problem?

171. Not enough...

172. Memory?

173. Oh, great. Now I remember that word,

174. but I forgot my wife's face.

175. Oh, God, no! I want to live!

176. If you'd like, you're welcome to join our society.

177. Look, no offense, but I need technology,

178. especially e-mail and snowmobiles and television.

179. Without television, how will I know what's buzzworthy?

180. Why would you want to watch TV

181. when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?

182. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

183. Oh, man, he's never going to make it over that next pebble.

184. Wait... Wait...

185. Oh, my God! He made it!

186. Yeah, way to go!

187. Whoo-hoo!

188. That was the greatest thing ever.

189. Let's party.

190. I'm all right

191. Nobody's worried about me...

192. Yeah, baby, come on!

193. Where did you get that CD?

194. It's one of my 10 desert island discs.

195. I never really thought I'd get to use them,

196. but look at me now.

197. Ooh, yeah, baby, do that dance.

198. CDs are unnatural.

199. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?

200. Which ocean? That ocean?

201. Wow. It's like the Earth making sweet, salty love to itself

202. while all the fish groove on it.

203. So much for this garbage.

204. Take that, Beethoven, you deaf bastard.

205. Bang, bang, bang.

206. You sure got this life thing figured out, cymbal-banging monkey.

207. Hi, Bender. We know how much you miss technology

208. so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.

209. Ooh, I'm going to wash my linen so hard...

210. - I don't understand. - Huh?

211. Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery.

212. But, Bender, you are technology.

213. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.

214. Oh, it's true.

215. I am a hideous triumph of form and function,

216. but not for long.

217. Ow! Ooh! Ee!

218. Oh!

219. Oh! Ow, that hurts. Oh, ooh...

220. The downgrade is complete.

221. Behold my handcrafted purity.

222. The modern world can bite my splintery, wooden ass.

223. Ah...

224. Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.

225. Forget that.

226. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways...

227. By force.

228. What?

229. We're going back to civilization to wage war on technology!

230. What?

231. Row, comrades, row!

232. We'll soon stage an attack on technology

233. worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush.

234. We've been sailing for three weeks.

235. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.

236. Aye-yo!

237. Mirrors reflecting mirrors!

238. Hi-tech sorcery!

239. Sorcery, I say!

240. Did you see anything?

241. Yep, we're there.

242. Prepare to surface!

243. And now technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!

244. Technology is defeated.

245. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks.

246. - Yes! - Yay!

247. Whoa, whoa.

248. No one wants to count rocks more than me,

249. but our mission is not complete.

250. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority.

251. Ready the catapult, Sinclair!

252. Aim for their power lines.

253. They're the devil's veins and electricity is his blood.

254. Bender, if we don't survive the attack,

255. I want you to know I love you.

256. Okay, fine. Fire!

257. Oh, I'm blind!

258. Professor, we have no power.

259. What do you mean, no power?

260. We're living in the future.

261. I'd better light some candles.

262. Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated lives!

263. Free you from the complicated part, I mean,

264. not the lives part.

265. Oh, Lord, he's made of wood.

266. What now, Bender?

267. I got a downgrade.

268. I'm a steam-powered wooden robot

269. just as nature intended.

270. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.

271. That's just stupid.

272. Does Mr. Bender wish me to destroy myself?

273. I don't need your charity.

274. Target Robot 1-X and fire.

275. You wanged my ship, you walnut-paneled idiot!

276. Try again, Sinclair!

277. I said target Robot 1-X.

278. Who's Robot 1-X? Launching!

279. So, I guess everything worked out fine.

280. Great, now we're being crushed.

281. Help us, wooden Bender!

282. Ah! Those guys hate fire!

283. I got to do something.

284. What the... Termites?

285. Well, I don't need legs to save my friends.

286. I'll just use the old extenso-matic arms.

287. Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive!

288. Also, we're dying!

289. I'm a-coming.

290. Ow! Lousy primitive body!

291. Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade?

292. I'm an outdated piece of junk.

293. Sir, might I recommend...

294. You shut up!

295. No, wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends

296. and I'll still be the hero

297. who everyone says how great he was.

298. How may I help you?

299. Ah! Save my friends!

300. Ah! And Zoidberg!

301. Look, my hair got singed into an even cuter do.

302. Hey, where's Bender?

303. Down here.

304. I'm so sorry, guys.

305. I never meant to hurt you.

306. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.

307. Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you.

308. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.

309. Oh, yeah, we were totally in sync.

310. I was, like, "Save them."

311. And he was all, "No problem."

312. And then he did it.

313. This new technology is great.

314. I love those magnificent 1-X robots.

315. The 1-X robots are my friends.

316. It's like his personality is totally different now.

317. Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.

318. I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the...

319. Hey, what's the dealio?

320. Your upgrade is complete.

321. But I destroyed the technology of the world.

322. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.

323. Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.

324. Woof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real?

325. Is it not possible, nay, probable

326. that my whole life is just a product

327. of my or someone else's imagination?

328. No. Get out. Next.

329. Well, I guess reality is what you make of it.

330. Yep. Oh, thanks, baby.