Futurama 5x13

Dawnn Lewis as LaBarbara (voice) • Dawnn Lewis as LaBarbara Conrad (voice)

In order to compete in the Fembot's division of the 3004 Olympics, Bender is surgically rebuilt to become a woman. Her trashy behavior catches the eye of Calculon, with whom she develops a strong and confusing celebrity relationship.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Welcome to the games of the 3004 Earth Olympiad,

2. continuing this network's tradition of sportscasting excellence.

3. Celebrity Ape Fight will return next week at its regular time.

4. So who should I root for? America? Or one of those countries

5. I learned about at the food court?

6. How about those guys?

7. No, they're from the Republic of French Stereotypes.

8. Everybody hates them.

9. Oh, let's go check on Hermes.

10. All this inspiring multiculturalism is angrying up my blood.

11. Sweden?

12. I don't think so.

13. Go on, stick, touch me.

14. Can't do it.

15. Husband, you haven't been an Olympic-class limbo-er for 20 years.

16. Quit lying to your pudgy self.

17. It does seem like Jamaica

18. would be able to field a strong limbo team without you.

19. Yeah. Isn't that basically all Jamaicans do?

20. Jamaicans have other interests.

21. Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport.

22. That's when they begged my husband

23. to step in and make an ass out of himself.

24. And I said I'd try my very best.

25. But have they seen your, you know,

26. physique since the old days?

27. I described it to them on the phone

28. using a series of artful euphemisms.

29. Don't worry, the fat pig will do fine

30. thanks to this flab-o-dynamic spandex body suit I've designed.

31. It redistributes his weight

32. shifting his center of gravity closer to his knees.

33. Oh, that's snug.

34. Those haven't descended in years.

35. Now that's a limbo-er's body.

36. Look at that fine Jamaican bacon.

37. Shut up, Zoidberg.

38. The robot bending events are starting.

39. Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals.

40. Wow. That guy must be, like the world's greatest bender.

41. My dreams of glory died before they began.

42. Welcome to my life.

43. Athletes, please take your lanes for the men's 500-meter limbo.

44. Hermes Conrad.

45. Is that you inside that dumpy little fat man?

46. Barbados Slim!

47. What are you doing here?

48. Last time I heard, you were in Barbados.

49. Yes, and I'll be going back there with a gold medal

50. draped around my elegant Caribbean shoulders.

51. Your body may be as perfectly sculpted as it was 20 years ago

52. when you whupped my fat ass every time we met,

53. but today, I feel lucky.

54. I see you're still able to limbo under the bar of fashion sense.

55. That's it, Barbados Slim.

56. You've gone one toke over the line.

57. Limbo-ers, on your marks.

58. Get rubbery.

59. Limbo!

60. There they go,

61. and Barbados Slim takes an early lead.

62. God, I hope he wins.

63. What's this?

64. Hermes Conrad is closing the gap.

65. He's limbo'd out of retirement and straight into my heart.

66. I say "Go to hell, Barbados Slim."

67. Go, body suit, go!

68. Come on, Hermes!

69. Beat that mahogany god!

70. It's Barbados, then Conrad!

71. Conrad pulls ahead.

72. And Conrad is disqualified.

73. Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold.

74. Ah, there, there, Hermes, you did your best.

75. If I'd wanted a human Adonis for a husband,

76. I'd have stayed married to Barbados Slim.

77. Well, enough about Hermes.

78. I couldn't win a medal, either,

79. even at bending, the thing I was built to do.

80. I'm so embarrassed, I wish everybody else was dead.

81. Up next, the Fembot bending competition.

82. Fembots?

83. Methinks a clever Manbot, suitably disguised,

84. might win those events,

85. but the charade would require subtlety, nuance, grace.

86. What do you mean, I'm not registered?

87. My name is Coilette and I'm from, uh, Robonia!

88. Coilette's a chick's name.

89. Yes, but Robonia sounds like something somebody made up on the spot.

90. Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed like a chick?

91. And it's straight!

92. Coilette wins!

93. Another gold medal for the spunky maid from Robonia.

94. A perfect bend and a flawless entry.

95. No splash at all.

96. Perfect scores.

97. A record five gold medals for Coilette.

98. I'm great! Everybody else sucks!

99. Except that guy Bender.

100. He's really something.

101. Whoo!

102. All medalists report for gender testing.

103. You actually thought they'd let you

104. walk away without an engine oil sex check?

105. Oh, God, I'm not going to get my medals.

106. They're all I have to remember my Olympic career.

107. Wait! I've got it!

108. Professor, make a woman out of me.

109. Oh, I think we should just stay friends.

110. I don't need friends.

111. I need a sex change operation, and give it to me now.

112. Bender, a robot sex change is a complex and dangerous procedure.

113. Replacing your testosteroil with Fembot lubricants

114. can cause wild mood swings

115. and the effects may be irreversible.

116. Well, let's get started.

117. No, you can't!

118. If you have even the slightest respect for the dignity of women...

119. Pfft.

120. I'm sorry, but I must do this.

121. Not for you, not for Bender

122. but for the proud people of Robonia!

123. Come on, guys. Come on.

124. I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick.

125. However, I will watch out of curiosity.

126. Quiet! I'm about to begin the process

127. of reshaping Bender's body into a tender, delicate form.

128. Ow! Ow! Ow!

129. Ooh! Ow! Ow!

130. Draining male oil.

131. Infusing female oil.

132. Removing item.

133. We can't wait for Coilette any longer, damn it.

134. I have to go home to watch The Zombie Osbournes.

135. I'm ready for my test now, boys.

136. Hail, hail, Robonia

137. A land I didn't make up.

138. Ooh, yeah, come on, baby. Uh.

139. Ooh, goodness.

140. Oh, yeah, baby, come on. Work your cans.

141. Yeah, shake it out.

142. I don't know which I'm more, enraged or disgusted.

143. I'm just out there making us ladies look good.

144. Nuh-uh. You're making us look like jerks in front of the other genders.

145. But you're not really a lady anyway, right?

146. Of course not.

147. Dear lord, a coaster.

148. The Femmzoil must be sashaying girlishly into your processor.

149. Then change me back.

150. My breasts are keeping me awake at night anyway.

151. Ooh!

152. Hello?

153. What? A guest spot on Late Night with Humorbot 5.0?

154. I'd love to.

155. My own limo?

156. No, I don't have my own limo.

157. You'd better send one.

158. I need a rain check on that nad swap, Professor.

159. I'm going on TV.

160. Come on, Fry, help me pick out a pantsuit.

161. So, Calculon,

162. do you want to set up this clip from All My Circuits?

163. No, I think it's self-explanatory.

164. No!

165. Funny story,

166. the script called for me to say "Yes," but I gave it a little twist.

167. Anecdote accepted.

168. Snappy comeback not found.

169. Please put your hands together for my next guest,

170. winner of five Olympic medals,

171. Coilette, from Robonia.

172. So, Coilette, many young Fembots wish to emulate you.

173. Any advice for them?

174. Yes, Humorbot, if you ask me, women today are too stuck up

175. to go out and jiggle their Jell-O

176. like everybody wants them to.

177. In fact, should I do it now?

178. All right, then.

179. Whoo! Look out, baby. Work it out.

180. Oh, shake that thing.

181. You got to use it, lady.

182. Shake it up a little.

183. That's right. Come on.

184. Break it out.

185. Madam, I am one impressed celebrity.

186. Oh, I bet you say that to all

187. the five-Olympic-gold-medal-winning Fembots.

188. From this day forth, I shall do so whenever possible.

189. Golly.

190. What?

191. Coilette, this may be presumptuous...

192. That's my favorite kind of "this."

193. But I would be honored if you would join me for dinner sometime.

194. Whoo!

195. Calculon, you'd be fulfilling

196. this naive Robonian farm girl's fantasy.

197. Of course I would.

198. This top makes me look fat.

199. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?

200. Yes.

201. Perfect.

202. You got to tell me.

203. You're not actually attracted to Calculon, right?

204. And if you are, don't tell me. Are you?

205. Certainly not.

206. But just once I'd like to eat dinner

207. with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

208. Is that so much to ask?

209. Well, I think you dating a Manbot is a disgrace

210. and I refuse to be involved.

211. And you have way too much lipstick on.

212. Are you kidding? I need more lipstick!

213. Much more.

214. Ooh, yeah, that's the stuff.

215. Men love it when you really glob it on.

216. - No, they don't! - No way!

217. Uh, please. Every man wants a tramp.

218. No wonder you girls aren't married.

219. I tell you, men are so much better at being women.

220. But what if he wants to...

221. I mean, if he tries to...

222. Uh, Barry White?

223. I'll just tell him I need a commitment first.

224. That'll stick a potato in his tailpipe.

225. Good lord, man! What kind of temporary woman are you?

226. Look, why don't all of you just back off?

227. Can't a girl enjoy herself without being judged?

228. Oh, dear, her mood swings are getting wilder.

229. She's becoming a slave to her emotions.

230. Just like all women.

231. Particularly you, Leela.

232. I'm worried about him, too, Professor.

233. Hey, ma'am, you sure can put it away.

234. You saved me a trip to the dump. Bam!

235. I'd appreciate it if you didn't bam the young lady.

236. Well, I'd appreciate it if I did.

237. So I guess we're even.

238. You know, Coilette,

239. I've never before met a woman as fascinating as I am.

240. You're such a sweet, soft Fembot,

241. yet you have this free spirit about you.

242. And there it is.

243. It's as if you understand the male mind better than I.

244. I've never met anyone like you.

245. Oh, yes, you have.

246. Coilette, I'd like to spend some quality time with you.

247. What? Uh-uh! Oh, no way. Not going to happen.

248. What kind of girl do you think I am?

249. Have I mentioned that I own the world's biggest and most elegant yacht?

250. She's a lady

251. Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady

252. Ooh!

253. Talking about that little lady

254. And the lady is mine

255. She's a lady

256. Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady...

257. Whoo! I'm a trophy girlfriend.

258. No kidding.

259. These gifts have been coming nonstop.

260. I think Calculon's falling for you.

261. Bah! Any day now he'll dump me for a new wad of arm candy.

262. Then I can turn back into a guy and hock all this stuff.

263. It's just a game.

264. Coilette, I can't stop thinking about you.

265. I can't sleep at night.

266. Although, as a robot, I don't do that anyway.

267. But if I did, I couldn't because...

268. I love you so.

269. Oh, my darling.

270. Will you marry me?

271. Oh, Calculon, yes, I will!

272. Maybe she's right about the lipstick.

273. I'll miss you, buddy.

274. You've been like a brother, and then a sister to me.

275. And now you're getting married.

276. I love you, man.

277. The marriage is a scam.

278. Cool. What's for dinner?

279. What do you mean, a scam?

280. I marry Calculon, divorce him, take half his money

281. and turn back into a guy.

282. It's sort of a two-person pyramid scheme.

283. That's marriage, all right.

284. That is so unbelievably manipulative.

285. Come on. You never went on a date with a guy

286. just 'cause you were hungry?

287. Well, I...

288. Uh, I thought I might like him on a full stomach.

289. Nice try, sister.

290. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to meet with my wedding planner.

291. Zoidberg!

292. Zoidy-poo, please tell me frilly is in this year.

293. I saw a frilly cake in here

294. you would remember all your life.

295. I know I will.

296. Late at night it taunts me with its frosted beauty.

297. Order the cake, damn it!

298. I have something for you.

299. A remote control?

300. You got me a TV?

301. No, my dearest.

302. It's the remote control to my heart.

303. It symbolizes the power you have to sway my emotions.

304. Will it work on my TV?

305. We don't need TVs.

306. We have each other.

307. Coilette, if I weren't able to spend my life with you,

308. I would leap from this very balloon.

309. Come on with that.

310. Really?

311. Yes. We were meant to be!

312. So, you really and truly love me?

313. So much so that I'm prepared

314. to give up show business itself to be with you.

315. But you always said

316. you'd rather burn down a convent than give up show business.

317. I always said many things

318. but now all I want is a peaceful life in a quiet villa overlooking a vineyard

319. with you.

320. Would we have donkeys?

321. All you could eat.

322. Oh, take me in your arms and compress me!

323. Compress me tight!

324. Stop. Let us climb to the heavens

325. that the gods themselves might envy us.

326. I just don't think I can go through with this scam.

327. So now you do want to marry him?

328. No. I just don't want to hurt him or humiliate him.

329. Oh, curse this woman's heart!

330. Ick.

331. You're falling into the final debilitating stages of womanhood.

332. You've waited too long to switch back, you dingbat.

333. Okay, look, if I help you with this,

334. do you promise to get out of my gender and stay out?

335. Uh-huh.

336. All right. Now, there's no way

337. to stop this marriage without hurting Calculon,

338. but he's an actor.

339. If there's one kind of pain he can handle,

340. it's soap opera pain.

341. Okay, is everyone ready?

342. - Yep. - Sure.

343. Basically.

344. Dearly beloved actors and casting people

345. who might be looking for someone to play a preacher,

346. I welcome you.

347. The bride has written some vows

348. that we will now all pretend to be interested in.

349. Dearest Calculon,

350. forever is not enough time

351. to tell you of the many ways I love you.

352. Is there a doctor in the...

353. I came as soon as I could.

354. Oh, it appears to be a case of African Hydraulic Fever.

355. Dear God, the very illness my TV character caught in Season 2

356. when I was holding out for more money.

357. It's often fatal.

358. Whatever happens, remember,

359. the flame of my eternal love will burn forever.

360. Of course. But smoochy-pops,

361. I thought one could only catch Hydraulic Fever

362. deep in the diamond mines of the Congo.

363. Coilette, you she-devil!

364. You really thought you could steal those diamonds

365. from me and Congo Jack?

366. Those gems belong to the natives!

367. Hi-ya!

368. Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is.

369. Why?

370. Calculon, my darling,

371. your loud "why" brought me partway back to life.

372. Congo Jack!

373. Another shocking twist!

374. Yes, I and have a message for you from Colonel Mtumbe.

375. He says this is from Congo Jack.

376. Uh... Um...

377. No. No!

378. N-O-O-O!

379. I won't leave you.

380. Not until I'm sure you understand the thing I said before

381. about my eternal love for you burning...

382. et cetera.

383. I do.

384. I do.

385. Okay, then.

386. Mm. I'm a doctor. She's dead.

387. She lives no more.

388. But let us all find comfort knowing that she truly loved me.

389. To honor my pain,

390. I shall star in a film dedicated to her memory

391. and this time the Academy will not deny me.

392. Not when they see A Calculon Story.

393. Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow,

394. anger, fear.

395. Every emotion an actor can display.

396. Turn off that crap-o-rama.

397. One mistake now, and Bender will be trapped forever

398. between the already ill-defined robot sexes.

399. Oh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

400. Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson

401. about changing your sex to win five gold medals.

402. It truly has.

403. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.

404. Almost done.

405. If only somehow, some way, he and I...

406. could drive to Vegas,

407. pick up some floozy-bots

408. and void their warranties all night long! Whoo!

409. Yay, my buddy's home.

410. And his respect for women is back to normal.

411. I kind of hoped this whole experience

412. would have left you a little more open to your sensitive side.

413. Yeah, you'd think, but what ya gonna do?

414. Coilette, the skies themselves weep upon the sweetest flower

415. of all the field.

416. - Ew! - Gross!

417. Sentimental drivel poop.

418. Come on, Bender, let's go.

419. This chick flick is getting me all barfy.

420. Yeah, emotions are dumb and should be hated.

421. Good night, forever, my turtle dove.

422. Good night, Calculon.

423. What did you say?

424. I said you two don't dress trampy enough.

425. I still got it.