Futurama 4x3

Directed by Bret Haaland

When the Professor fine tunes his "What-If" machine, Bender discovers what it would be like if he were human, Fry discovers what it would be like if life were more like a video game, and Leela discovers what it would be like if she found her true home.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. One, two! One, two, three!

2. There. I've finished fine-tuning my "What If" machine.

3. It can answer any "What if?" question

4. accurate to within one-tenth of a plausibility unit.

5. That's so plausible I can't believe it.

6. Who wants the machine to show them an alternate reality?

7. Ooh, ooh! I wanna know what would happen if I were human.

8. I mean, being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions,

9. and sometimes that makes me very sad.

10. Oh, lordy loo, there he goes again.

11. Well, let's give baby what he wants.

12. What if Bender were human?

13. Good news, everyone! I've invented a way

14. to turn Bender into a human

15. using a process I call reverse fossilization.

16. - How does it work? - Well, in regular fossilization,

17. flesh and bone turn to minerals.

18. Realizing that, it was a simple matter to reverse the process.

19. I've already tested it by turning the toaster into a raccoon.

20. Mmm. Kind of gamy.

21. Are you ready, Bender?

22. I don't know. I'm beginning to have some second thoughts.

23. Cover your shame, mon!

24. It worked! Eat it everyone who's never won a Nobel Prize!

25. And that includes you, Amy.

26. So this is a human body, huh? Neat.

27. Hey, my antenna's gone!

28. No, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it, though.

29. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little.

30. Bender, no. You'll make God cry.

31. Well, let's see what kind of things this body can do.

32. Hey, that's pretty fun.

33. Being human is great!

34. Hooray! It's just like Mardi Gras.

35. Guys, guys, you gotta come into the bathroom and look at this!

36. You're not gonna believe it.

37. Bender, it's okay to be proud, but don't be a showoff.

38. Ooh.

39. Whoa. You look a lot better than you used to for some reason.

40. You're not so bad yourself, big boy.

41. Hey, that felt great!

42. - Nah, it's not working anymore. - Speak for yourself.

43. Whoa. This is awesome.

44. Bender, you drank and smoked when you were a robot.

45. But now it's bad for me. Whoo!

46. Speaking of which, try these nachos.

47. Mmm. Why didn't anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good?

48. What's going on? That rhythm, it's doing something to my human butt.

49. Bender, part of being human is having self-control.

50. Oh, my God! I bet I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time.

51. No, Bender!

52. - Let me go! - No!

53. Come, Bender. It's time to go home and rest.

54. I need you in top shape next week

55. when I present you to the Nobel Prize Committee.

56. Bender?

57. Good-bye, moderation!

58. Come on shake your body Baby, do the conga

59. I know you can't control Yourself any longer

60. Feel the rhythm of the music Getting stronger

61. Don't you fight it till you tried it Do the conga

62. Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he already?

63. As I've said before, I used reverse fossilization,

64. which is the reverse of regular, uh, eh...

65. - Psst! We found him! - Ah!

66. Then without further stalling for time I present to the Nobel judges,

67. the first robot ever turned into a human!

68. My God! He needs medical attention!

69. 300. failing.

70. 40?

71. Well, that's not so bad. No, I mean 40 pounds!

72. Eww. This, uh, scientific breakthrough,

73. uh, heralds a new dawn in human/robot relations, yes.

74. Come here and give old Bender a kiss.

75. Hey, you like grilled cheese?

76. And, uh, that's why I believe I deserve the Nobel Prize.

77. Not only do you not deserve a Nobel Prize

78. for loosing this bloated man-ball upon the world,

79. but you are hereby kicked out of the Academy of Science!

80. Wait! As men of science,

81. are not your minds open to new ideas?

82. I say, do not judge me

83. until you have tried my way of life for yourselves.

84. Young man, you have opened our minds and swayed our hearts.

85. - Let us therefore... - Party!

86. Let's trash this place!

87. Party!

88. Whee!

89. Come on shake your body Baby, do the conga

90. I know you can't control Yourself any longer

91. Feel the rhythm of the music Getting stronger

92. Bender, you were right.

93. Truly you have lived more in your one week of being human

94. than the rest of us have in our entire lives.

95. Whoo!

96. And so to recognize your achievements,

97. I hereby award you the Nobel Prize in

98. uh, chemistry.

99. Care to say a few words, Bender?

100. He's dead.

101. - When did he die? - Hmm.

102. About twelve hours ago when the party started.

103. But he just said "Whoo!"

104. No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat.

105. Whoo!

106. Good night, sweet prince.

107. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know.

108. Well, let's get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint.

109. Whoo!

110. Whoo!

111. Whoo!

112. You watched it. You can't un-watch it.

113. Stay tuned for more...

114. Who else has a question for the "What If" machine?

115. Scruffy? Katrina? Xanthor?

116. Oh! I have one! I'm good at video games and bad at everything else.

117. That's why I wish life were more like a video game.

118. Can you put that in the form of a question?

119. Uh, what if that thing I said?

120. Oh, great machine, we beseech thee,

121. what if life were more like a video game?

122. Good evening, ignorant pigs.

123. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs

124. and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord

125. with Ambassador Kong of Planet Nintendu 64.

126. Wait a second.

127. I know that monkey! His name is Donkey.

128. Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!

129. I'll just put the old John Q. Nixon on it.

130. There. No major crap-ups. You're on, Mr. Ambassador.

131. What the...

132. Mama Mia!

133. The cruel meatball of war has-a rolled onto our laps,

134. and-a ruined our white-a pants of peace.

135. Mr. Fry, rumor has it that you know the secrets of the video game "Chance."

136. Please, step into the war room.

137. You'll be meeting with General Colin Pacman.

138. Wock-a, wock-a, wock-a!

139. Let's get down to business!

140. What can you tell us about the Nintendians?

141. Well, sir, I spent all of ninth grade studying them,

142. except for that day when my eyeballs started to bleed, and in my opinion...

143. Quickly! To the escape tunnels.

144. Wock-a, wock-a, wock-a, wock-a!

145. Wock-a, wock-a, wock-a, wock-a!

146. This way, damn it!

147. Wock-a, wock-a, wock-a, wock-a!

148. Wock-a, wock-a, wock-a, wock-a! Mmm, delicious!

149. Just like stale marshmallows!

150. Ooh, and a cherry!

151. Wock-a, wock-a, wock-a, wock-a!

152. Hey, watch out!

153. - Uh-oh! - Oh, my God! He ate Fry!

154. Fry is dead!

155. It's okay. I had another guy.

156. Wock-a, wock-a...

157. Invaders, possibly from space!

158. People of Earth,

159. I am Lrrr of the Planet Nintendu 64.

160. Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships.

161. All right. It's Saturday night.

162. I have no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape.

163. Let's rock!

164. Today's Tom Sawyer He gets high on you

165. And the space he invades He gets by on you

166. We're losing ships, sir. What are your orders?

167. Increase speed, drop down and reverse direction!

168. I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve.

169. Watch as I fire upwards through our own shield!

170. He's a madman!

171. A madman!

172. It's working. Victory is assured.

173. My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter.

174. I'm hit!

175. So cold.

176. No!

177. Amy, tend to the Widow Pacman.

178. Wock-a, wock-a, wock-a.

179. Drop down and increase speed!

180. One ship is left only.

181. Come on, Fry! Get it!

182. It's moving too fast! Oh, I could never get the last one.

183. My brother always got it for me.

184. Drop down! Reverse direction! Prepare for landing.

185. You are defeated! Instead of shooting where I was,

186. you should have shot at where I was going to be.

187. All your base are belong to us.

188. What do you monsters want?

189. One thing, and one thing only.

190. Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters!

191. No slugs or tokens!

192. - Fork 'em over! Fork 'em over! - Forget it, you pixilated pirates!

193. We need those quarters to do our laundry!

194. But... But space invaders need to do laundry too.

195. I mean, look at Donkey Kong here.

196. Have you smelled his loincloth lately?

197. - Yes. - Go away!

198. We're not giving you our quarters no matter what!

199. Well, then what if we throw our laundry in with yours?

200. - Would that be acceptable? - I guess so.

201. Okay then, that settles that.

202. But if this cape shrinks, consider your species extinct!

203. Bravo!

204. That'll be hard to top!

205. I pity the next...

206. Tales of Interest.

207. Well, there's time for one last question.

208. Let's turn to the "Who Asked" machine to see who's next?

209. Um, uh, Amy.

210. I mean Leela.

211. Okay.

212. As an alien who was abandoned on Earth,

213. I've never really belonged anywhere.

214. Boo hoo!

215. Ow!

216. So my question is this...

217. What if I found my true home?

218. Ow!

219. Where are we?

220. Nibbler, I don't think we're in New New York anymore.

221. Geez, apparently the phrase "tone it down" doesn't exist on this planet.

222. Oh, no!

223. We hit someone! Quick, back into the ship!

224. Ooh, nice boots.

225. Yuck!

226. Look, everyone! She killed the Manwitch of the West!

227. A witch?

228. That explains how these boots magically appeared on my feet.

229. No, you stole them. We saw you!

230. Well, it's hard to find shoes that fit me.

231. So anyway, who are you people?

232. Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?

233. We resemble But are legally distinct

234. From the Lollipop Guild The Lollipop

235. Greetings, Leela. I'm the Cute Witch of the North.

236. Yeah. Can anyone fix my ship so I can get home?

237. Abraca-duh. Just ask the professor.

238. He lives in the Emerald Laboratory down Martin Luther King Boulevard.

239. You mean that Yellow Brick Road? The City Council renamed it in 1975.

240. Ooh, those are great shoes!

241. - Oh, thank you. - Do they come in women's sizes?

242. Okay, crow. Prepare to be scared.

243. "And then... honk, honk... The car honked its own horn!"

244. Wow. A talking scarecrow.

245. Wanna come with us to see the professor? He might be able to give you a brain.

246. Hey! That's not a nice thing to say.

247. Beer! Beer!

248. Whiskey okay?

249. Now, did you say you're off to see the professor?

250. 'Cause I could use a heart... a human heart.

251. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.

252. And I'm the other guy, Courage.

253. Not enough of it. Need some from what's-his-name.

254. Damn this D.S.L.!

255. Fly, my stupids!

256. Fly out and get them!

257. But, Mommy, you promised you'd bake monkey cake today.

258. By "monkey cake," I meant your ass!

259. Man, we've been skipping for hours.

260. I need to pull over and take "The Wiz."

261. What, do I smell or something?

262. - Why did you bring us here? - And why did I have to take a cab?

263. I'll tell you why I brought you here, you twice-baked barf bags!

264. Because I've always wanted a daughter to love.

265. You wanna get adopted, you little skank?

266. And live here and be a witch like you?

267. Yeah, all right.

268. As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance around at the equinox.

269. - Absolutely. - Oh, Mommy! I found my true home!

270. That's great, Leela!

271. I've heard worse excuses to drink. Oops!

272. I'm melting! Oh!

273. Who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me?

274. Well, no point in lettin' her go to waste.

275. - Yes? - We're here to see the professor.

276. No one sees the mighty professor!

277. Who's there, Hermes? Is it visitors?

278. - I want to see them! - It's nobody!

279. Now sign that will I gave you! He's not here.

280. Oh, for the love of Benji.

281. I am the professor!

282. Great and, uh, forgetful!

283. Now, what do you nice kids want?

284. Nothing! I'm leaving!

285. But if you have extra courage, I'd haul it away for you maybe?

286. Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster!

287. You don't need courage.

288. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?

289. Now, world. You put your hands up!

290. And you, lad, all you need is a brain.

291. Why does everyone keep saying that?

292. This is a stickup!

293. Give me the bag, old man!

294. Here you go, my friend.

295. Five thousand Professor Land fun bucks.

296. Oh, crap.

297. As for you, young lady,

298. you want to go home, right?

299. No, not anymore. I want to stay here and become the new wicked witch.

300. Nonsense! Now click your big honking boots together three times,

301. and wish to go home to Kansas

302. to live in poverty with your dirt-farming, teetotaling aunt and uncle.

303. Uh, all right. Here I go.

304. There's no place like... I wanna be a witch!

305. Oh, no! Help! What's happening?

306. Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet.

307. Wake up!

308. Leela, are you all right? You got wanged on the head.

309. I was having the most wonderful dream,

310. except you were there, and you were there, and you were there.

311. Never mind, Professor. She came to.

312. Oh, so close.

313. There's always next year, Professor.

314. There's always next year.