1. One, two!
One, two, three!Copy !req
2. Good news, everyone.Copy !req
3. You all know the orphanarium
where Leela grew up.Copy !req
4. - Sure. We talk about it
all the time.
- Really?Copy !req
5. No. Burn!Copy !req
6. Well done, fellows.
Anyway, said orphanarium...Copy !req
7. has named Leela
"Orphan of the Year."Copy !req
8. - Your parents must be so proud.Copy !req
9. - Ooh, sorry.
- And the good news
keeps on coming.Copy !req
10. Behold,
my latest invention.Copy !req
11. Whoa!
Neat.Copy !req
12. Ta-da! It's
a glow-in-the-dark nose...Copy !req
13. you can wear over
your regular non-glowing nose.Copy !req
14. Observe.Copy !req
15. Whoa! "Clool"!Copy !req
16. Now I can punch you
in the nose in the dark.Copy !req
17. Where'd it go?Copy !req
18. Hey, Professor,
what's all this groop...Copy !req
19. blurking
out of the machine?Copy !req
20. That?
It's, uh, nothing.
Yes, nothing.Copy !req
21. If you think it's anything,
you're a suspicious moron.Copy !req
22. It looks like
toxic waste.Copy !req
23. And it smells
like toxic waste.Copy !req
24. What does it taste like?Copy !req
25. Delicious fig pudding!
Ooh, that's good.Copy !req
26. But a distinct aftertaste
of toxic waste.Copy !req
27. All right, all right!
So the machine produces
a few toxic by-products.Copy !req
28. You don't have to make
a federal case out of it.Copy !req
29. - I'm afraid I do.
Ooh-ooh!Copy !req
30. I order you to dispose
of that toxic waste properly.
or bribe me.Copy !req
31. Either way,
it'll cost $500.Copy !req
32. Five hundred real dollars?
That's an outrage!Copy !req
33. Professor, I'll
take care of that waste
for $499 and 100 cents.Copy !req
34. Hmm. I know that's a rip,
but I'll pay
for the convenience.Copy !req
35. Do you take credit cards?
Let's find out.Copy !req
36. All right, environment.
You've met your match.Copy !req
37. Hey, get back
in the sewer, weirdie.
No mutants on the surface.Copy !req
38. But he ruined
my wedding dress.Copy !req
39. Honey, that thing was ruined
the minute it went on you.Copy !req
40. That's what
I'm talkin' about.Copy !req
41. You know, it's not easy
being an orphan.Copy !req
42. Not if I have anything
to do with it.Copy !req
43. But today's honoree,
Turanga Leela,Copy !req
44. has really made
something of herself.Copy !req
45. I'll never forget the night
that cute little alien baby
was abandoned on our doorstep.Copy !req
46. Because I have
a photographic memory,
and I remember every night.Copy !req
47. What the—
An alien language.Copy !req
48. I guess you're an alien.
What a beautiful,
gigantic eye you have—Copy !req
49. Well, come on in.Copy !req
50. From those humble beginnings,Copy !req
51. Leela went on to become
a county certified
starship captain.Copy !req
52. And so it is my pleasure today,
to nail her picture...Copy !req
53. alongside those of our
most distinguished alumni.Copy !req
54. Thank you very much.Copy !req
55. Like many of you,
I never knew my parents.
Give me a—Copy !req
56. I don't know if they were
mighty alien overlords,
That little—Copy !req
57. or simply underpaid
alien janitors,Copy !req
58. who fought crime on the side.
There we are.
Picture's up.Copy !req
59. - It's crooked!Copy !req
60. In the end though,
it doesn't matter
who my parents were.Copy !req
61. All that matters
is what I learned here,Copy !req
62. within
these unscalable walls,Copy !req
63. that I had the strength
to make it on my own.Copy !req
64. Just like all of
you kids here today.Copy !req
65. Leela! Leela! Leela!Copy !req
66. Look at me!
I'm Leela!Copy !req
67. Uh-uh, 'cause
I'm Double Leela.Copy !req
68. Whee!Copy !req
69. That's it, Albert.
No more espresso for you.Copy !req
70. Mind if we get a picture of you
with your picture
for the news, ma'am?Copy !req
71. Yes! I mean, no!Copy !req
72. Just make sure you get
my nonchalant side.Copy !req
73. Whoo!Copy !req
74. If those aren't
tears of happiness,
please stop crying.Copy !req
75. It's okay, Fry.
I'm fine.Copy !req
76. I won an award today.Copy !req
77. Is it this room
that's making you sad?Copy !req
78. It's probably the room.
Come on. Let's go
for a walk.Copy !req
79. I'm sorry
you saw that, Fry.Copy !req
80. I usually try to keep
my sadness pent up inside,Copy !req
81. where it can fester quietly
as a mental illness.Copy !req
82. Yeah, I do that
with my stupidness.Copy !req
83. I told a whole crowd today
that being an orphan
made me strong.Copy !req
84. But all I really wanted
was a mom and dad...Copy !req
85. to hold me
and stroke my hair
and tell me they love me.Copy !req
86. Then today's your lucky day,
because I happen to be...Copy !req
87. a holding, stroking,
loving machine, also spanking.Copy !req
88. That's not even close
to what I had in mind.Copy !req
89. Well, anyway, just remember
that people care about you.Copy !req
90. I know.Copy !req
91. Sometimes,
when I'm lonely,Copy !req
92. I look up at the sky,
and I get this feeling...Copy !req
93. that somewhere
on some unknown planet
circling a distant star,Copy !req
94. my parents are up there,
looking down on me.Copy !req
95. Yo, yo, Ba-zender,
what up?Copy !req
96. My dumping business
is booming.Copy !req
97. I just got hired to clean up
the set of Free Willy III.Copy !req
98. Bender, cut it out!Copy !req
99. First of all,
the sewer mutants
will be mad.Copy !req
100. Second, everything else
that's horribly wrong
with what you're doing.Copy !req
101. Those stupid mutants
can't do anything.Copy !req
102. You seem to be forgetting
one simple fact.Copy !req
103. Namely, I'm up here,
and they are safely down—Copy !req
104. What did I do
to deserve this?Copy !req
105. Behold, our once beautiful
mutagenic sewage lake.Copy !req
106. The radioactive waste
you've dumped in it
has made it bright enough...Copy !req
107. to see how ugly
we really are.Copy !req
108. Aah!
Oh, man!Copy !req
109. As if our lives weren't
miserable enough already.Copy !req
110. - Tell me about it.
- Let the punishment commence!Copy !req
111. Punishment?
No fair!
Bender's innocent!Copy !req
112. The instant you touch
these mutateous waters,Copy !req
113. your D.N.A. will be
forever altered,Copy !req
114. turning you into
horrible mutants like us.Copy !req
115. Especially him.
Oh!Copy !req
116. - Allow me to demonstrate.Copy !req
117. Eww!Copy !req
118. Oh!Copy !req
119. It's like that time
I peeked in the kitchen
at Imperial Hunan.Copy !req
120. Submerge the prisoners!Copy !req
121. Wait.
I don't even have D.N.A.
Why am I screaming?Copy !req
122. We're gonna beat you
afterwards.Copy !req
123. Oh, God!Copy !req
124. Mutate! Mutate! Mutate!Copy !req
125. Turanga Leela!Copy !req
126. Who said that?
How do you know my real name?Copy !req
127. Whee!Copy !req
128. What happened?Copy !req
129. I don't know.
I think I saved us
somehow.Copy !req
130. Go after them!
The waters can't mutate
us mutants!Copy !req
131. Duh, duh, duh!Copy !req
132. They went this way!Copy !req
133. Quick! In there!Copy !req
134. Huh?Copy !req
135. Kill! Kill! Kill!Copy !req
136. Kill! Kill! Kill!Copy !req
137. Great Cheech's ghost!Copy !req
138. What's this junk?
It looks like...Copy !req
139. a time line
of my whole life.Copy !req
140. That's when we saved Earth
from a giant asteroid
of garbage.Copy !req
141. And here's when I dropped out
and bummed around India
for a while.Copy !req
142. And this is just last year
at Space Mardi Gras.Copy !req
143. It's like some kind
of weird Leela museum.
And I'm the Leela.Copy !req
144. Dude, over here.Copy !req
145. It's all the best stuff
I ever flushed
down the toilet.Copy !req
146. Those are some of
my diary pages.
And my screenplay!Copy !req
147. And also, for some reason,
the letter I wrote you
full of my personal feelings.Copy !req
148. Oh, I'm scared!Copy !req
149. My whole life
has just been a show
for some perverted mutant.Copy !req
150. They must be in here.
Yeah, capture them!Copy !req
151. And then Bender ran.Copy !req
152. Leela, freak out later.
We're not done escaping yet.Copy !req
153. Got ya.Copy !req
154. Take this! Aah!
Ow!Copy !req
155. This time I'm calling
for the death penalty.Copy !req
156. And not just because
I'm running for reelection
as supreme mutant.Copy !req
157. Four more years!
Four more years!Copy !req
158. Psst.Copy !req
159. Oh, very well.
Your attention.Copy !req
160. Instead of being
tortured to death,Copy !req
161. the prisoners shall hereby
be expelled from the sewers...Copy !req
162. and never allowed
to return.Copy !req
163. Oh, cruel fate!Copy !req
164. Can we really never return
to this dank pit of sewage?Copy !req
165. Wait a minute.
Why aren't you gonna
kill us anymore?Copy !req
166. Yeah, what are you, chicken?Copy !req
167. Shut up, you two.
We can kill ourselves
when we get home.Copy !req
168. They'll need transportation
to the surface.Copy !req
169. Bring in the airship.Copy !req
170. - Eww!
- We constructed it
from the remnants...Copy !req
171. of old discarded
Macy's Parade balloons—Copy !req
172. Underdog's groin,
Bart Simpson's left ear
and right shin,Copy !req
173. Garfield's owner
Jon's forehead.Copy !req
174. Fire up the sewer gas!Copy !req
175. - Move it, you ugly normals!Copy !req
176. Whoa!Copy !req
177. Huh?Copy !req
178. I'm getting dizzy.
I can't walk straight.Copy !req
179. Whoa!Copy !req
180. Whoa. Whoa!Copy !req
181. Come on, Leela.
You can do it!Copy !req
182. Hurry, we're missing
our bus!Copy !req
183. Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
184. I'm gettin' on the bus!Copy !req
185. Don't worry.
I'll be fine.Copy !req
186. They know something about me.Copy !req
187. And I've got to
find out what.Copy !req
188. Blech!Copy !req
189. The lake didn't mutate me.
What is going on here?Copy !req
190. It worked for me.
I used to be a little
blonde girl named Virginia.Copy !req
191. Yech!Copy !req
192. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
193. No one.
And watch your language,
young lady!Copy !req
194. Stop right there!
I don't wanna hurt you.Copy !req
195. I didn't want you
to hurt me either.Copy !req
196. Leela's going nuts,
and I can't save her...Copy !req
197. unless I learn more
about her mysterious past.Copy !req
198. Isn't there anything else
you can tell me?Copy !req
199. Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be
a waste of your time.Copy !req
200. That's impossible,
because my time
is worthless.Copy !req
201. Oh. Well,
then there is one thing.Copy !req
202. It's the note I found with Leela
the day she was abandoned.Copy !req
203. But it's written in Alienese,
so no one on Earth
can translate it.Copy !req
204. Not even Brainzilla.
Hand it over!Copy !req
205. Sure. I just wish
I could be more helpful.Copy !req
206. Would you like some dirt
on any other orphans?Copy !req
207. Look. I'm trying to save
someone here. I'll have to
come back for those later.Copy !req
208. Can you translate it?
Of course.Copy !req
209. But only into
Beta-crypt-three.Copy !req
210. A language so complex,
there's even less chance
of understanding it.Copy !req
211. I didn't ask for
a completely reasonable excuse.
I asked you to get busy.Copy !req
212. Very well.Copy !req
213. Isn't that the same machine
that makes noses?Copy !req
214. It can do other things.
Why shouldn't it?Copy !req
215. Of course,
even if it is possible
to analyze the message,Copy !req
216. there's no way of knowing
how long it would take.Copy !req
217. It could take an hour,
or it could take
a hundred million years.Copy !req
218. - Is it done?Copy !req
219. Certainly not.
Two dings means it's done.Copy !req
220. But not like that.
Slightly more rapid.Copy !req
221. Where did they go?Copy !req
222. Good news, Leela.
I landed the contract...Copy !req
223. to empty all the spittoons
in Little Italy.Copy !req
224. Eww!Copy !req
225. That's it. It's done.Copy !req
226. I can't believe it.
My mind is boggling.Copy !req
227. The analysis of the note
is printing out now.Copy !req
228. It's a girl.
My God, she's beautiful.Copy !req
229. No extra anythings.Copy !req
230. What people skills!
She's completely perfect!Copy !req
231. In my professional opinion
as an ear, ear, ear,
nose and throat doctor,Copy !req
232. she is the least mutated mutant
ever born.Copy !req
233. And yet, she's cursed
to live the horrible,
degrading life of a mutant.Copy !req
234. Like all of us.
Especially him.Copy !req
235. It's true.Copy !req
236. Maybe we can
do better for her.Copy !req
237. I made this bracelet
so that in some small way,
we'll always be with you.Copy !req
238. Even when it doesn't
seem like it.Copy !req
239. During your entire life,
for example.Copy !req
240. You won't pass
for human, cutie.Copy !req
241. But if my Ph.D.
in Excel-Linguistics
is worth diddly-poop,Copy !req
242. this note
should convince them
you're an alien.Copy !req
243. And that'll be enough
to give you a real life.Copy !req
244. She'll never know
we're her parents.Copy !req
245. That's our gift
to her.Copy !req
246. Better we should die than
have her learn the shameful
truth of her origin.Copy !req
247. I'm with ya.Copy !req
248. I guess you're an alien.Copy !req
249. What a beautiful,
gigantic eye you have—Copy !req
250. Well, come on in.Copy !req
251. - Keep quiet
so she doesn't hear us.
- What's there to talk about?Copy !req
252. Shh!
Hands up!Copy !req
253. - Tentacles too!
- Don't say anything
stupid, Morris.Copy !req
254. What is all this?
Am I a game to you?Copy !req
255. Or some kind of even
more boring Truman Show?Copy !req
256. Do you believe
I'm your Messiah?Copy !req
257. The mutant Dalai Lama?
Stop me if I guess it!Copy !req
258. Well, actually, they're—
Morris, shh!Copy !req
259. And what about this?Copy !req
260. Where did you get this bracelet?
Did you steal it from me
when I was a baby?Copy !req
261. Or from my parents?
You robbed my parents,
didn't you?Copy !req
262. I bet you sick mutants
killed them!Copy !req
263. My parents were confused aliens
lost on Earth,
and you killed them!Copy !req
264. Is that it?
Admit it!Copy !req
265. Yes, we killed them.Copy !req
266. You guessed the truth.Copy !req
267. Aah! Because of you,
I'll never know my parents!Copy !req
268. I'll kill you!Copy !req
269. That would be best.Copy !req
270. Stop!Copy !req
271. Thanks, Bender.
Don't do it, Leela!Copy !req
272. They killed my parents!
Close.Copy !req
273. - They are my parents.
- Yes.Copy !req
274. I had the professor analyze
the Alienese letter
that was found with you.Copy !req
275. - What does it say?
- I dunno.Copy !req
276. But the analysis showed
it was printed
on recycled toilet paper.Copy !req
277. A "squeezably" soft paper
used mainly in the sewers.Copy !req
278. It says, "Your parents
love you very much."Copy !req
279. We still do.Copy !req
280. So, I'm not an alien?
I'm a mutant?Copy !req
281. We never wanted you to know.
You deserved a better life.Copy !req
282. You must despise us.Copy !req
283. You're my parents!Copy !req
284. All I've ever wanted
is to know you.Copy !req
285. This is the happiest moment
of my life.Copy !req
286. Aw!Copy !req