1. One, two! One, two, three!Copy !req
2. Shatner's log: air date, unknown.Copy !req
3. The impossible has happened.Copy !req
4. It would take days
to recount the events
I've witnessed.Copy !req
5. So, settle in.
It all began—Copy !req
6. Quiet, you! This court-martial
is now in session.Copy !req
7. The honorably sexy
Zapp Branigan residing.Copy !req
8. Bring in the accused.Copy !req
9. - Oh, my.Copy !req
10. Philip J. Fry,
you stand accused...Copy !req
11. of traveling to the forbidden
planet Omega 3,Copy !req
12. a crime punishable by 12
concurrent death sentences.Copy !req
13. - Do you understand the charges?
- One beep for "yes,"
two beeps for "no."Copy !req
14. - Yes. So noted.
Do you plead guilty?Copy !req
15. - Double yes. Guilty!Copy !req
16. I will now
carry out the sentence.
Kif, my gun.Copy !req
17. Wait!
He pled "not guilty."Copy !req
18. Order!
Order in the court!Copy !req
19. Very well then, Mr. Fry.
Please recount the events
that led you to be guilty.Copy !req
20. The professor said he was taking a brief nap, so we only have time for six movies.Copy !req
21. Let's take these
six Jim Carrey movies
and record over them!Copy !req
22. You know what six movies
average out to be really good?
The first six Star Trekmovies!Copy !req
23. - Everybody hit the deck!Copy !req
24. Shh!
Those words are forbidden.Copy !req
25. - What words? Star Trek?Copy !req
26. Shh! Shut your gills!Copy !req
27. That sound. It's
patrol car 718! Hide him!Copy !req
28. The court is intrigued.Copy !req
29. Perhaps we could hear more
about these forbidden words...Copy !req
30. from someone with
a sexily seductive voice.Copy !req
31. With pleasure. You see,
the show was banned
after theStar Trek wars.Copy !req
32. You mean the vast migration
of Star Warsfans?Copy !req
33. Uh, no. That was
the Star Warstrek.Copy !req
34. By the 23rd century,
Star Trekfandom...Copy !req
35. had evolved from a loose
association of nerds
with skin problems...Copy !req
36. into a full-blown religion.Copy !req
37. And Scotty beamed them
to the Klingon ship...Copy !req
38. where they would
be no Tribble at all.Copy !req
39. All power
to the engines.Copy !req
40. As country after country fell under its influence,Copy !req
41. world leaders became threatened by the movement's power.Copy !req
42. And so the Trekkies were executed...Copy !req
43. in the manner most befitting virgins.Copy !req
44. Whoa! He's dead, Jim.Copy !req
45. He's dead, Jim.
He's dead, Jim.Copy !req
46. Finally, the sacred texts were banned.Copy !req
47. The last copies of the 79 episodes and six movies...Copy !req
48. were dumped on the forbidden world Omega 3,Copy !req
49. along with that blooper reel where the door doesn't close all the way.Copy !req
50. Thus, Star Trekwas forever
scoured from human memory.Copy !req
51. Another classic
science-fiction show
canceled before its time.Copy !req
52. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I've never heard
of such a brutal...Copy !req
53. and shocking injustice
that I cared so little about.Copy !req
54. Next witness! Bender the Robot,
please take the stand.Copy !req
55. She's all yours, buddy.Copy !req
56. I'd only met
the defendant, Fry, once,Copy !req
57. but I knew
he was up to no good.Copy !req
58. - Please use the beeps.
- Oh!Copy !req
59. Mr. Nimoy! I came as soon
as I heard what happened
centuries ago.Copy !req
60. I can't believe
your show was banned.Copy !req
61. I have absolutely
no idea what
you're talking about.Copy !req
62. You know— 1966?Copy !req
63. Seventy-nine episodes?
About 30 good ones?Copy !req
64. Oh, really. I've done
too many things to remember
one particular TV series.Copy !req
65. But if-if you want to
discuss my books of poetry—Copy !req
66. Come on! Remember that episode
where you got high on spores
and smacked Kirk around?Copy !req
67. No. Perhaps you're thinking
of my one-man show
about Vincent van Spock.Copy !req
68. I-I-I mean van Gogh.
Damn!Copy !req
69. Aha!
You can't escape it.Copy !req
70. Oh, you're right.Copy !req
71. I can't.Copy !req
72. Uh—
Geez, don't get upset.Copy !req
73. I mean, okay,
I outwitted you, but—Copy !req
74. No. It's my
fellow cast members.Copy !req
75. Three hundred years ago,
they left Earth behind.Copy !req
76. This planet doesn't
appreciate us anymore, Leonard.Copy !req
77. Bill, you are,
and always shall be,
my friend.Copy !req
78. But I just signed
a six-month lease
on my apartment.Copy !req
79. I can't walk away from
a commitment like that.Copy !req
80. Farewell, my friend.Copy !req
81. Oh!Copy !req
82. Why did the world turn its back
on our obvious greatness?Copy !req
83. I'm literally
angry with rage!Copy !req
84. Your costars may be gone,Copy !req
85. but we can still get
those episode tapes back
for the whole world to see!Copy !req
86. Come on!Copy !req
87. Yes! Front row!Copy !req
88. You can't go to Omega 3!Copy !req
89. It's forbidden!
I forbid you!Copy !req
90. But we have to! The world
needs Star Trekto give
people hope for the future!Copy !req
91. But it's set 800 years
in the past.Copy !req
92. Yeah! Why is this
so important to you?Copy !req
93. 'Cause it—
it taught me so much.Copy !req
94. Like how you should
accept people,Copy !req
95. whether they be black,
white, Klingon,
or even female.Copy !req
96. But most importantly,
when I didn't have
any friends,Copy !req
97. it-it made me feel
like maybe I did.Copy !req
98. Well, that is
touchingly pathetic.Copy !req
99. I guess I can't
let you go alone.Copy !req
100. I'll go too—
with Leonard's permission,
of course.Copy !req
101. We're entering
the Omega system.Copy !req
102. Warning. You are now
in forbidden space.Copy !req
103. Forbidden, schur-schmidden.Copy !req
104. What are they gonna do,
write a letter?Copy !req
105. Ooh, I'm so scared.Copy !req
106. I've lost control of the ship!Copy !req
107. Lost control of the ship!Copy !req
108. Oh, dip!Copy !req
109. Dip, indeed.Copy !req
110. It's all stuff from that forbidden show.Copy !req
111. So many cardboard sets.
So many memories.Copy !req
112. If only the others— I guess that's my cue.Copy !req
113. - Bill!
- L-Dog!Copy !req
114. Hey!
This is wonderful! Oh, man.Copy !req
115. I feel like hugging you. Well, I would,
except you have no body.Copy !req
116. And we're both men.Copy !req
117. Nichelle! George!
Walter!Copy !req
118. DeForrest!
Welshie!Copy !req
119. - Welshie?
- We did some musical reunion
specials in the 2200s.Copy !req
120. But the guy who played Scotty
had trouble yodeling.Copy !req
121. Ever since then,
Welshie has been
a welcome participant...Copy !req
122. in our escapades.Copy !req
123. Aye!Copy !req
124. I can't believe it!
How'd you all end up here?Copy !req
125. We were on our way
to Welshie's cousin's house
to stay in the guest room...Copy !req
126. when our ship was pulled down
to this planet and crashed,
just like yours.Copy !req
127. When we woke up,
we had these bodies.Copy !req
128. - Say it in Russian.Copy !req
129. Ven vee voke up,
vee had these wah-dies.Copy !req
130. Eee!
Now say nuclear "wessels"!Copy !req
131. - No!
- We love it here.Copy !req
132. Everything is provided for us,
and we never age.Copy !req
133. Check out these abs.Copy !req
134. Yowza! But who's doing
all this for you?Copy !req
135. You know,
we never thought about it.
We're famous celebrities.Copy !req
136. We're used to
this sort of treatment. It is I!Copy !req
137. - Whoa!
What a cheesy effect!Copy !req
138. I'm not an effect!
You doubt my power?Copy !req
139. I do!Copy !req
140. Aye!Copy !req
141. Welshie!Copy !req
142. This court will now hear some
very sensual testimony...Copy !req
143. from this court's ex-lover,
Turanga Leela.Copy !req
144. Go yourself.Copy !req
145. Behold another power,Copy !req
146. different from
the one you saw earlier!Copy !req
147. Hey! A body!
Buff, tan—Copy !req
148. Yeah.
This is mine, all right.Copy !req
149. All right, you gas.
What's the deal?Copy !req
150. Centuries ago,
the videotaped adventures
of the Enterprisecrew...Copy !req
151. rained down upon my planet.Copy !req
152. Over and over
I watched them,Copy !req
153. especially the five
with the energy beings.Copy !req
154. I am Melllvar!
Seer of the Tapes!
Knower of the Episodes!Copy !req
155. Tremble before my encyclopedic
knowledge of Star Trek!Copy !req
156. Tremble? I laugh.Copy !req
157. - Nobody knows more
about Star Trekthan me!
- I beg to differ!Copy !req
158. Long have I waited
for the one who played Spock.Copy !req
159. At last we can begin.Copy !req
160. Cool!
A Star Trekconvention!Copy !req
161. Uh— Uh, Melllvar?
Can you give us some idea...Copy !req
162. how long
this is going to last?Copy !req
163. - Until time stops.
- What?
- You can't do this!Copy !req
164. Now, we have
a full schedule of events.Copy !req
165. Uh, can people who hate Star Trek
leave? Good question.Copy !req
166. - No. You have to stay
even longer!Copy !req
167. Um— Uh—
Sign it to Melllvar.Copy !req
168. Melllvar has three "L's".Copy !req
169. I think I've done
enough conventions to
know how to spell Melllvar.Copy !req
170. - Say "nerd"!
- Nerd!Copy !req
171. I'm Slim Shady.Copy !req
172. Yes.
I'm the real Shady.Copy !req
173. All you other Slim Shadys
are just imitating.Copy !req
174. So, won't the real Slim Shady
please stand up?Copy !req
175. Please stand up.
Please stand up.Copy !req
176. How can you do
a spoken-word version
of a rap song?Copy !req
177. He found a way.Copy !req
178. For 100 quatloos,
who did the captain maroon
on Ceti Alpha Five?Copy !req
179. Khan!Copy !req
180. Uh, Khan?Copy !req
181. - Correct!
- My button has broken!Copy !req
182. The trivia contest
is ended. I now
have a surprise.Copy !req
183. You will perform
a fan script...Copy !req
184. written by
the ultimate Trekfan!Copy !req
185. You have my fan script?I meant me! Melllvar's
the ultimate fan!Copy !req
186. Oh. I was confused
because the scoreboard
says something different.Copy !req
187. Trivia contest over!
Take your scripts!Copy !req
188. We have limited rehearsal time.Copy !req
189. Now, I didn't make enough
copies of the script,Copy !req
190. so George and Walter
will have to share.Copy !req
191. Uh— You probably don't
want us to see you rehearsing,
or it'll give away the ending.Copy !req
192. That's right!
The ending must not
be ruined!Copy !req
193. - We'll go wait in the ship.
- Okay.Copy !req
194. Not till I get
my 600 quatloos!Copy !req
195. This is wrong.
We shouldn't have
abandoned them there.Copy !req
196. I don't know.
I'm feelin' pretty good
about it.Copy !req
197. I didn't want to leave them
either, Fry. But what
were we supposed to do?Copy !req
198. Well, usually on the show,
someone would come up
with a complicated plan,Copy !req
199. then explain it
with a simple analogy.Copy !req
200. Hmm. If we can reroute
engine power through
the primary weapons...Copy !req
201. and reconfigure them
to Melllvar's frequency,Copy !req
202. that should overload
his electro-quantum structure.Copy !req
203. Like putting too much air
in a balloon!Copy !req
204. Of course!
It's so simple!Copy !req
205. "Alas, my ship,
whom I love
like a woman,Copy !req
206. is... disabled."Copy !req
207. - Oh, Lord.
- "Fascinating, Captain.Copy !req
208. And logical too.
Yet we need some help."Copy !req
209. "Look, Captain.
Melllvar will help us."Copy !req
210. "Captain, I wope he will
welp our vessel."Copy !req
211. - Wessel!Copy !req
212. - You're not acting hard enough!
- Melllvar, you have to
respect your actors.Copy !req
213. When I directed Star Trek IV,
I got a magnificent performance
out of Bill...Copy !req
214. because I respected him
so much.Copy !req
215. And when I directed
Star Trek V,Copy !req
216. I got a magnificent performance
out of me because
I respected me so much.Copy !req
217. Okay! I'm done "recafoobelling"
the energy-motron!Copy !req
218. Or whatever!Copy !req
219. Fire!Copy !req
220. "My, what a handsome
energy creature you are.Copy !req
221. I love you."Copy !req
222. Hey, you wrote it!Copy !req
223. It's not working!
He's drawing strength
from our weapons!Copy !req
224. Like a balloon, and...
something bad happens!Copy !req
225. Yep.Copy !req
226. So, uh,
how's rehearsal going?Copy !req
227. Lousy. Here I've been
admiring a bunch of actors,
while you,Copy !req
228. a crew of genuine
space heroes, risked
your lives to save them.Copy !req
229. Hey, we've done
heroic things too.Copy !req
230. Yeah.
In the third season,
I kissed Shatner.Copy !req
231. Silence! My whole world
has turned upside down.Copy !req
232. I have but one option.Copy !req
233. - Keep them and let us go?
- No!Copy !req
234. To determine who is more worthy
of my fanatical devotion,Copy !req
235. I shall pit you against
each other in armed combat...
to the death!Copy !req
236. Where'd you get
an idiotic idea like that?Copy !req
237. Episodes 19, 46,
56 and 77!Copy !req
238. Great list.
Except you forgot episode 66.Copy !req
239. I was getting to that one!Copy !req
240. So Melllvar ordered
a battle to the death.Copy !req
241. - I assume no one survived?Copy !req
242. Can we get on with this?
My foot's getting tired.Copy !req
243. This will be your standard
battle to the death.Copy !req
244. The only weapons—
whatever you can find.Copy !req
245. But I warn you.
Do nothing...Copy !req
246. until I have signaled
the start of combat.Copy !req
247. Okay, start.Copy !req
248. I don't have much
experience at fighting,
except with you guys.Copy !req
249. I have an idea.
Wasn't there an episode where
I threw my shoe at the enemy?Copy !req
250. - You mean Doohan?Copy !req
251. Whoever it was,
I did it like this.
Yaah!Copy !req
252. - Ow!
- My foot's cold.Copy !req
253. There. We can
make these into spears.Copy !req
254. And we can tie these
caterpillars together to make
bow strings for bows and arrows.Copy !req
255. And we can use this machine gun
to shoot them!Copy !req
256. Yee-haw!Copy !req
257. That was fun.Copy !req
258. What if I distract them
with my famous fan dance?Copy !req
259. Oh, that's good,
good, good, good.
And then, George,Copy !req
260. you give them
a karate chop.I find that offensive.Copy !req
261. Just because
I'm of Japanese ancestry,
you assume I know karate.Copy !req
262. Have I ever
led you to believe
I have studied karate?Copy !req
263. Well, no.
But you never talk
about yourself.Copy !req
264. Maybe if you showed
a little interest.Copy !req
265. Well, here goes nothing.Copy !req
266. Hello, boys.Copy !req
267. Whoa!Copy !req
268. Hyah!Copy !req
269. Aah!Copy !req
270. - There's no right way
to hit a woman.
- Then do it the wrong way.Copy !req
271. Fine.
Yeee-oh-ho!Copy !req
272. - Is that all you got? Hyah!Copy !req
273. Come on, Walter! Take that!Copy !req
274. It hurts.Copy !req
275. Let's see if this
actually works.Copy !req
276. Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! My face!Copy !req
277. My face too!Copy !req
278. May I?Copy !req
279. - Hyah!Copy !req
280. Excellent.
Excellent.Copy !req
281. Leela, please.
This is exactly
what Melllvar wants.Copy !req
282. We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers.Copy !req
283. Can't we resolve
our differences
some other way?Copy !req
284. Melllvar!
Dinnertime!Copy !req
285. Aw, but, Mom!
I'm playin' with
my collectibles!Copy !req
286. Now!Copy !req
287. All this time,
we thought he was
a powerful super-being.Copy !req
288. - Yet he was just a child.
- He's not a child! He's 34!Copy !req
289. All right, Koenig!
I've wanted to do this
for years!Copy !req
290. Bender, wait!
This is our chance to escape
before Melllvar comes back!Copy !req
291. But we all need
to work together.Copy !req
292. I love you so much.
Hello.Copy !req
293. We've decided
to work together. Yeah, so did they.Copy !req
294. Now, how do we escape?Copy !req
295. We can't use our ship.Copy !req
296. We have life support,
but the engines are wrecked.Copy !req
297. Ironic, because
our engines work, but our
life support systems don't.Copy !req
298. Hey. If your engines work—And your
life support systems work—Copy !req
299. Stop! You're just
goin' around in circles!Copy !req
300. Think, Fry. Think.
Everyone's depending on you.Copy !req
301. We're too heavy!
You guys need to
lose some weight. Fast!Copy !req
302. Fish.Copy !req
303. Look! Leonard!
We're light enough
to keep the tapes!Copy !req
304. Isn't that great?I'm living in
a gefilte fish jar.Copy !req
305. We did it!Copy !req
306. - Melllvar's got a spaceship!Copy !req
307. Yes!
In mint condition!Copy !req
308. And you made me take it
out of the package!Copy !req
309. The Nimbus!
We're saved!Copy !req
310. You're under arrest.
Prepare to be boarded.Copy !req
311. So I boarded you, huh?
Uh, what happened next?Copy !req
312. You started this stupid
court-martial!Copy !req
313. Now if you don't mind,
we're still fighting
Melllvar.Copy !req
314. - One more hit,
and we're done for!Copy !req
315. Let's take him out with us.
Do you guys have
a self-destruct code?Copy !req
316. Like destruct sequence
1-A, 2-B, 3—Copy !req
317. Thanks a lot, Takei!
Now everybody knows!Copy !req
318. If I can't have the original
cast of Star Trek,
no one will!Copy !req
319. Prepare to die!Copy !req
320. Wait! If they mean
that much to you,
why do you want to kill them?Copy !req
321. Because I— I—Copy !req
322. I don't know what I'd do
without them.Copy !req
323. Melllvar, you can't
let a TV show
be your whole life.Copy !req
324. You can do anything you want.
Look at Walter Koenig.Copy !req
325. After Star Trek,
he became an actor.Copy !req
326. Not just an actor
but a well-rounded person...Copy !req
327. with my own friends
and credit cards and keys.Copy !req
328. Well, I...
guess I could move out
of my parents' basement.Copy !req
329. - Maybe get a temp job.
- Whoa, whoa.
One step at a time.Copy !req
330. I thank you, Fry.Copy !req
331. You know, you and I
are of a kind.Copy !req
332. In a different reality,
I could have called you...
friend.Copy !req
333. Episode 10.
"Balance of Terror."Copy !req
334. More like episode nine,
loser!Copy !req
335. In your face!
Victory is mine!Copy !req
336. I wonder, my friends.Copy !req
337. Was he really such
an evil energy gas?Copy !req
338. He did give us
eternal youth.Copy !req
339. Twenty-four hour
Laundromat.Copy !req
340. A full assortment of rum,
both spiced and regular.Copy !req
341. Truly,
it was a paradise.Copy !req
342. And all you had
to put up with was one
really annoying Star Trekfan.Copy !req
343. Let's get the hell
out of here.Copy !req