Futurama 4x1

Directed by Rich Moore

The combined explosions of a supernova and Fry putting metal in the microwave hurtle the Planet Express crew back in time to 1947. They land at Roswell, New Mexico, where a shattered Bender is mistaken for UFO debris, Zoidberg is taken in for an alien autopsy, and Fry accidentally kills his grandfather, Enis, in a nuclear explosion.

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1. Woo-hoo! Yeah!

2. Whoa! Ah!

3. Shman! The great rad spot

4. is mega-sweet for party-boarding!

5. Indeed.

6. Any calls while I was out?

7. Yeah.

8. You got a telesonic transmission from Kif a couple hours ago.

9. My Kiffy called?

10. Kif?

11. Ooh, Amy, you're back!

12. Another hour and I would have thought about hanging up.

13. Why didn't you just leave a message, sweetie?

14. Well, um, I've left hundreds of messages

15. with your answering machine

16. but you... never seem to get them.

17. Bender!

18. It's not my fault if you don't check me.

19. Messages erased.

20. Oh, dearest, this long distance relationship

21. is too much to bare.

22. When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery.

23. So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light-years.

24. Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache.

25. Lieutenant, some things came off me

26. and clogged the drain

27. so if you could... Oh-ho!

28. What's this?

29. Well, well, well.

30. Do my eyes believe me

31. or it that my bosomy swan, Leela?

32. Say again? You're breaking up.

33. Oh!

34. Good news, everyone!

35. You'll be delivering pain medicine

36. to the Hive Mind of Nigel Seven.

37. Scruffy's rolling out a large pill.

38. You're going to Nigel 7?

39. Kif's on patrol near there.

40. You could drop me off on the way.

41. We could, but we won't!

42. It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine.

43. Ooh! If anyone needs me, I'll be in the angry dome.

44. This is a very long trip

45. so we'll all have to go into hibernative naptosis

46. to save oxygen.

47. Aw, I don't even breathe... oxygen.

48. Here I come, Kif.

49. They jumped right out of their pants.

50. Oh, what now?

51. Activate glass window.

52. Kif, I'm sensing a very

53. sensual disturbance in the force.

54. Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy.

55. Yes, sir, Captain.

56. How about I help you finish that dream

57. you were having about me?

58. Okay. I was just at this part.

59. Oh... eh... let's try that

60. a little lower and a lot softer.

61. Imagine you stowing away

62. and stealing a licensed starship!

63. Oh, it's so romantic, it gives me the shivers!

64. I don't care how much trouble I get in.

65. I needed to feel my lips pressed against your lipless beak.

66. Oh, Amy, I can't stand having a whole universe between us.

67. I've been thinking a lot about this

68. and, well, would you move in with me?

69. Here? But, uh...

70. wouldn't it be crowded?

71. Well, no, no.

72. It's really twice the size.

73. You can use the floor, and I'll have the ceiling.

74. See?

75. Kif, you have so much creativity and niceness

76. but I'm not sure if I...

77. Hush. Before you answer, come thither.

78. This is the Holo-Shed.

79. It can simulate anything you desire

80. and nothing can hurt you

81. except when it malfunctions

82. and the holograms become real.

83. Well, that probably won't happen this time.

84. I wanted to show you

85. what life could be like if we were together.

86. Computer, run program "Kif One."

87. This is so beautiful!

88. Spirit!

89. Kif, that's the pony I always wanted

90. but my parents said

91. I had too many ponies already.

92. Yes, I programmed it in for you.

93. Four million lines of BASIC.

94. And-and if this isn't the life you want

95. how about this?

96. Run program "Kif Two."

97. Oh, Kif!

98. We could live here at the shore of the Tranquilibrius Sea

99. in a time-share.

100. And I would pluck the moon from the sky

101. just to see you smile.

102. Almost got it.

103. It seems to be sort of stuck.

104. I love you!

105. Ooh!

106. Run program "Kif colon slash slash three."

107. This isn't bad.

108. My aunt had a place like this.

109. Amy, we could live in a bus station bathroom for all I care.

110. As long as we're together, it'll feel like a castle to me.

111. Kif, I'd love to live with you... someday.

112. But before then, there's still lots

113. I want to do on my own.

114. What was that?

115. Oh, dear. I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again.

116. Well, as long as we don't cross paths with Attila the...

117. Look... Spirit!

118. And there's Professor Moriarty.

119. Jack the Ripper.

120. Evil Lincoln.

121. Right-o, gents.

122. It's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem.

123. Standard procedure.

124. Real holographic simulated evil Lincoln is back!

125. The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again.

126. The characters turned real!

127. Damn! The last time that happened

128. I got slapped with three paternity suits.

129. Oh, my God! I want Daddy!

130. Listen up, history's greatest villains.

131. Get back into the Holo-Shed before I start blasting

132. Stop!

133. No shoot fire-stick in space canoe!

134. Cause explosive decompression!

135. Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun.

136. Hey...!

137. Kif, hold on!

138. I totally want to!

139. Grab on!

140. Over here!

141. Please hold me. Oh, dear.

142. Have a good one.

143. Ow! Oh...

144. Aw, man!

145. Whew! After all that, I could use some relaxation.

146. I'll be in the Holo-Shed.

147. Well, except for a few broken bones

148. some internal hemorrhaging

149. and a partially barfed-up heart

150. everyone appears fine.

151. Whew!

152. Oh, and Kif is pregnant.

153. Oh, joy!

154. Amy, isn't it wonderful?

155. I'm pregnant.

156. Yes... it's great.

157. A great miracle.

158. And not one of those bogus everyday miracles

159. like a sunrise.

160. Aren't you a male?

161. Yeah, what's the deal?

162. Just when I thought

163. I figured out you biological creatures

164. it's something else!

165. Let me at him!

166. I'm going to take...

167. Look, I'm sure we're all

168. a little unclear on how anyone gets pregnant

169. so, Kif, pray explain

170. and don't spare the dirty words where appropriate.

171. Well, it's quite simple, really.

172. When one of my species

173. experiences deep feelings of love

174. we enter a so-called "receptive state."

175. You disgust me. Go on.

176. At that point

177. our skin becomes a semi-permeable membrane

178. which allows the passage of genetic material.

179. I held Amy's hand, and voila.

180. Well, okay, but that better be all there is.

181. Oh, Amy, you'll be a mother!

182. What a wondrous affirmation of our love

183. and all from the touch of your hand.

184. Dude, hold up.

185. Remember when Zapp blew a hole in the ship?

186. Indeed.

187. Kif touched everybody there.

188. Couldn't any one of us be the mother?

189. Hey, yeah!

190. I mean, what about that, Kif?

191. Well, I suppose I might have gotten pregnant that way

192. or even from a toilet seat

193. though that's impossible since I have a private washroom.

194. Ah, my home away from home.

195. By the way, Kif

196. your flush seems to be set on "stun" not "kill."

197. Look, Kif, I probably am the mother

198. although maybe I'm not.

199. Of course, I hope I am

200. but just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test.

201. A test!

202. I demand a test!

203. Even I laughed at me

204. when I built this alien cross-species genetic analyzer

205. but I guess I showed myself.

206. Subjects, please enter the chamber.

207. Now to take a DNA sample.

208. When I pull this switch

209. the maternifuge will spin at 10,000 RPM

210. separating out everyone who isn't the mother...

211. father... whatever.

212. Faster, faster!

213. Good! Fry's ejection indicates that he is not the man-mama.

214. Nor is Captain Brannigan.

215. Oh, thank you, merciful God.

216. Zoidberg? What the hell were you doing in there?

217. That's where I live.

218. I have no home.

219. Amy? But that means...

220. Leela must have impregnated me

221. when she grabbed my ungloved hand.

222. That explains the poster in hygiene class—

223. "No glove, no love."

224. Wow, this is all so confusing.

225. Leela, how could you?

226. Our love has had to endure your constant hatred

227. and now this?

228. Stop testing our love!

229. Oh, please, Captain.

230. I thank Leela for the DNA she gave me

231. but in my species

232. the true parent is the one

233. who inspired the initial feeling of love.

234. We call that person the smizmar

235. and my smizmar is Amy.

236. So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something?

237. Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.

238. That's okay.

239. At least Kif's baby shower should be fun.

240. I better put it on my calendar.

241. Thursday, baby shower. Enter.

242. Might as well plan for my new life while I'm at it.

243. Set motherhood mode.

244. To motherhood.

245. Mom, Dad, I know this is weird, but...

246. Yeah, yeah, we don't care how squishy alien get pregnant.

247. All we care is that we have grandchild now.

248. You're very open-minded, Mrs. Wong.

249. Hey, you call her Grandma now.

250. Call me Grandma like crazy.

251. All the time.

252. Check it out, y'all.

253. Everyone we invited is here...

254. Also Zoidberg!

255. so let's open the gifts!

256. We'll start with this one from Bender.

257. It's my booties from when I was a kid.

258. Uh, they're already bronzed.

259. They are bronze.

260. And this one's from Leela.

261. Oh, I just love the bow.

262. I wonder what it is.

263. Yes, I wonder what we got you.

264. It's a basket.

265. For picnics?

266. It means a lot to me.

267. It's the basket my parents left me in

268. at the orphanarium.

269. You could use it for picnics.

270. Here, Amy.

271. We get this one for you.

272. Oh, is it a new party-board?

273. It's a board, all right.

274. An ironing board.

275. We had your old party-board converted

276. now that you not be partying anymore.

277. You-you trashed my party-board?

278. Damn right.

279. Now you a mom, the only surfing you do

280. is under a big wave of responsibility.

281. Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life.

282. You all brought such wonderful gifts

283. but the greatest gift...

284. Mine!

285. is the bond

286. I share with my smizmar, Amy

287. for soon, the quivering mass of life within me

288. will depend upon us both.

289. Even now, I can sense it

290. feeding, squirming, searching, questing

291. and shortly, it will rend my loins in twain

292. burst forth and pull us down, down, down

293. into the deep, dark waters of commitment.

294. That's so beautiful.

295. Yes, it's... it's...

296. No, I can't do this!

297. Oh, how could Amy leave me?

298. When will women learn to take responsibility

299. for the children they've helped create?

300. The quickening!

301. My time is near!

302. I must return to my homeworld

303. to perform the ancient birthing rites.

304. Let me know how that turns out.

305. I must now embark on a perilous journey

306. to give birth in precisely the same swamp

307. in which I was born.

308. If it's so dangerous, I'd better go with you.

309. A gal has to protect her DNA.

310. No, Leela.

311. Tradition demands that

312. I make this journey with my smizmar

313. and since Amy isn't here, I must go it alone.

314. Farewell, for we may never meet again.

315. My scrapes feel a little better now.

316. Hey, what's this fat, ugly thing?

317. A frog, a toad, or yo' mama?

318. It's a poisonous froad!

319. No one move.

320. I'm back, baby.

321. Behold...

322. the sacred ancestral birthing grounds of my family.

323. Smells like a jockstrap.

324. I am the Grand Midwife!

325. Hi.

326. I am Kif, of the clan Kroker

327. come to bear my young.

328. Then let the tea of new life be brewed.

329. As it is writ

330. "And both shall lift the jug together."

331. Where is your smizmar?

332. She is not with me.

333. Oh, the sorrow!

334. Oh, the shame!

335. I'm sorry. I'm probably just making you feel worse.

336. As long as Amy is with me in my heart

337. I will have the strength of two.

338. Apparently Amy hasn't been working out much lately.

339. As the tea boils

340. please join hands with your beloved smizmar.

341. Oh, right.

342. Sorry, but I've memorized the ceremony by rote

343. and it mentions her a lot.

344. I'll try to endure.

345. Good, 'cause I'm not changing it.

346. Now turn, ye two

347. and gaze deeply into each other's eyes.

348. What are you looking at?

349. May the love I sense between you at this moment

350. remain with you both through all your days.

351. The tea of new life is ready.

352. Let those whose love created this life

353. speak each other's names, then drink.

354. Amy.

355. Kif!

356. Amy, is it you or have I gone crazy with loneliness?

357. Both!

358. I still don't know if I'm ready for this

359. but I do know I love you

360. and I want to be here beside you.

361. Great, now I lost my place.

362. I'm starting over.

363. Oh, no time.

364. It is begun.

365. Ew.

366. Neat!

367. You can do it, Kif.

368. Ooh, nilly!

369. Oh, man!

370. Amy, my love, tell me—

371. are they making it to the water?

372. Amy!

373. Shoo!

374. Stay away from my babies!

375. The birthing is complete.

376. Oh, thank goodness.

377. I will now take my leave.

378. I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere

379. but you don't have to talk to me anymore.

380. Congratulations! Nice work.

381. Way to go, squishy!

382. There goes my DNA.

383. What a disgusting and beautiful process.

384. That's birth for you.

385. Well, we've given them a great start, Amy

386. and in 20 years they'll sprout legs

387. and crawl back onto land as children.

388. I'll be ready then.