Futurama 3x5

Bea Arthur as Femputer (voice) • Suzie Plakson as Amazonian (voice) • Karen Maruyama as Amazonian (voice)

A double-date for Kif, Amy, Zapp, and Leela ends in disaster when their orbiting restaurant crashes on planet Amazonia. The hulking female inhabitants of the planet take their male captives to the omniscient Femputer, who orders Fry, Zapp, and Kif to death by "snu-snu".

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. People, we got a problem.

2. Little Nibbler has been coughing up hair balls.

3. Well, so has Fry. What's the big deal?

4. He's got me beat.

5. Now, we all love Nibbler,

6. so it's only fair that we all pitch in and clean it up together.

7. Still, I propose we make Zoidberg do it.

8. - All in favor? Yeah, okay.

9. All opposed?

10. All abstaining?

11. Dr. Zoidberg, are you okay?

12. He's dead.

13. He always seemed so full of life,

14. laughing, singing, begging for scraps.

15. And now this.

16. Why with all the crying?

17. So that's where I left my shell.

18. I didn't know you could take this thing off.

19. It was starting to get a little cramped in there,

20. so I molted. Why not?

21. Ah! The fresh air feels good.

22. Stop doing that!

23. So long.

24. I'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster,

25. and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.

26. Those were toenail clippings.

27. A feast is a feast.

28. Hey, that's my cell phone.

29. Hello?

30. Hello? Who is this?

31. - Hello? Hello?

32. What's wrong? Did you swallow your phone again?

33. Some guy has been calling and hanging up 10 times a day for a year.

34. Men who call too much are the worst, I bet.

35. I just wish a decent guy would call me,

36. instead of this spleazeball who has me too terrified

37. to even answer the phone.

38. Hello?

39. Hello? Is anyone there?

40. I love you.

41. Oh.

42. Why must I be such a coward?

43. Kif, I'm headed to the men's room,

44. and I'll be needing an attendant, so... Oh, I'm sorry.

45. You're crying like a woman.

46. It's all right.

47. I've always thought of myself as a father figure

48. to some of my more pathetic men.

49. Kif, old friend, let's rap.

50. Well, I'm in love with this girl.

51. That's rich.

52. - Go on. - I met her a year ago,

53. when we were escaping from that cruise ship

54. you piloted directlyinto a black hole.

55. Yes. It was in all the papers.

56. Call me.

57. Uh... Er... Mmm-hmm... Uh-huh.

58. I've finished talking, sir.

59. Belay that remark!

60. Your Amy knows my Leela?

61. I have formed an idea.

62. I'm calling to negotiate a double date.

63. You and me, Kif and Amy.

64. Forget it.

65. Then let the negotiations begin.

66. I propose we go out on 10 dates.

67. How about zero?

68. - Nine. - Zero.

69. - Seven. - Zero.

70. - Eight? - Please, Leela?

71. Kif is like the sweetest guy who's ever liked me.

72. Five. And that's my final offer.

73. - Four.

74. - One. - Two.

75. - One half. - I'll take it.

76. We'll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie.

77. Sir, I don't go out on many dates,

78. and...

79. What if I can't think of anything to say?

80. Here's my personal book of pickup lines.

81. Say as many of them as you can as fast as you can.

82. Don't stop for any reason.

83. Maybe I'll just give her these...

84. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

85. And what's that? Candy?

86. Candy is for dorks. Give me that.

87. Mmm.

88. Hello, beautiful.

89. I got these for you.

90. Thanks.

91. Well, well, well.

92. This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date.

93. - Half date. - Waiter.

94. - Bring us a bottle of wine. - Half bottle.

95. - And some oysters on the half shell. - Quarter shell.

96. - Oh. And I'd like... - Kif is not hungry.

97. Kif, this place is expensive.

98. I'd like two steaks,

99. and the ladies will have some very sensual salads

100. with low-cal sensual dressing.

101. Won't you take me to Funkytown

102. Won't you take me to Funkytown

103. - Thank you.

104. Kif, you're so quiet. You haven't said a word all night.

105. Well...

106. Hello.

107. 'Cause I was really hoping we could talk and stuff.

108. Oh.

109. Amy,

110. "if I said you had a beautiful body,

111. "would you take your pants off and dance around a little?"

112. - What? - Lieutenant Kroker!

113. "I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies."

114. - Kif! - Oh, my!

115. This half date is entirely over.

116. Amy, conference.

117. Oh! Is there nothing we can do, sir?

118. There's only one surefire way

119. back into a woman's heart and parts beyond.

120. I speak, of course, of karaoke.

121. My years in the DOOP Boys' Chorus will not have been in vain.

122. All right. Enough lipstick.

123. Let's storm out.

124. Once upon a time I was falling in love

125. But now I'm only falling apart

126. Oh! That's so emotional.

127. There's nothing I can do

128. A total eclipse of the heart

129. - Amateur hour is over.

130. Let me show you why they call me the Velour Fog.

131. Hit it.

132. I met her in a club down in old Soho

133. Where you drink champagne

134. And it tastes just like Coca-Cola

135. C-O-L-A Cola

136. - Give it up. - He is got to go.

137. He sickens me.

138. She walked up to me and she asked me to dance

139. I asked her her name

140. And in a dark brown voice she said

141. Leela

142. L-E-E-L-A Leela

143. Leela

144. Leela

145. We're going home.

146. Call us a space taxi.

147. No need. There's not a restaurant built I can't fly.

148. Where to, ladies?

149. Please, sir, let's just divide up the check and...

150. Let's see what this eatery can do.

151. Ah. She's built like a steak house,

152. but she handles like a bistro.

153. She's out of control!

154. - You win again, gravity!

155. Look what arrived! My new shell catalog.

156. So let's try some on already.

157. Hey, gringos! Here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water.

158. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

159. I'm Mexican, and I find that offensive.

160. You Latins are so hot-blooded.

161. This one's like a summer guy.

162. Look, you fat fish,

163. the Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell.

164. Oh.

165. I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back yet from their half date.

166. I'm gonna call the restaurant.

167. The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet.

168. - Please make a note of it.

169. We gotta go rescue them!

170. Yeah, I don't know.

171. Bender, think of the señoritas.

172. So, Amy...

173. Um...

174. Well...

175. It's always a line with you.

176. What planet is this anyway?

177. I don't know. This whole sector is uncharted.

178. It is not uncharted. You lost the chart.

179. Well, nothing to do now but repopulate the human race.

180. Just me and you.

181. And maybe you.

182. What is it?

183. Me hear people,

184. but me not see people!

185. No big deal. Everybody make mistake.

186. Well, hello.

187. I usually don't say this,

188. but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic ladies

189. I've ever laid eyes on.

190. I find the most erotic part of a woman is the...

191. Oh, no! Any sign of Leela or Amy?

192. No, but what do you make of this?

193. I don't know, but it might have something to do with this.

194. Oh, your God!

195. Move.

196. Go.

197. All right, here's the plan.

198. What kind of moronic plan is that?

199. Wow.

200. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

201. I hate that! Oh, boy!

202. Women go free. Men stay in chains.

203. We take them to our leader.

204. She know what do.

205. A female leader?

206. - Fry, shut up. - Yes, Captain.

207. This capital city Planet Amazonia.

208. Where are all the men in your society?

209. Men die out many year ago.

210. With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death.

211. Are you with me, fellas?

212. Here stadium,

213. where our women basketball teams play.

214. We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.

215. That more fun to watch.

216. Oh, God. You're killing me.

217. Oh, God! You're killing me!

218. This our comedy club.

219. Humor here funny in different way.

220. It not reinforce stereotypes.

221. Comedy come from character,

222. real situations,

223. not abstract craziness.

224. Translation, boring.

225. That's a good one.

226. Ow!

227. This women-only planet is sounding better and better.

228. I'm already looking for apartments.

229. Here live vengeful, all-knowing leader.

230. She decide men's fates.

231. - Is she hot? - That not important.

232. She all-knowing.

233. In other words, no.

234. Oh!

235. All hail Femputer!

236. All hail Femputer!

237. You all obey a big computer?

238. Yes. It appear mysteriously just about time men die out.

239. So, why did you make it your leader?

240. It seem like different kind of politician.

241. Not beltway insider.

242. Femputer,

243. we bring offering of bath beads and scented soaps.

244. Your gift pleases Femputer.

245. Femputer demands to know

246. why there are men on her planet!

247. It was an accident, ma'am.

248. That does not fempute!

249. Femputer will return after deciding your punishment!

250. Leela? I'm through making fun of women.

251. Now I want them to help me.

252. Should we do something?

253. There's no hurry.

254. Yes. A little tighter.

255. Tighter.

256. Perhaps a hard spanking is in order.

257. Too hard!

258. Men strange.

259. You have them on your planet?

260. I'm afraid so.

261. What they for?

262. Oh!

263. You mean snu-snu.

264. We hear tell men used for snu-snu.

265. But all we have go on are ancient legend

266. and subscription to Cosmo.

267. Just FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.

268. Silence!

269. You want die like last men visit Amazonia?

270. - What'd they die of? - Crushed pelvises.

271. - Yes! - Oh, thank you, Lord in heaven.

272. After lengthy femputations,

273. I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men.

274. Femputer sentences them

275. to death!

276. By snu-snu!

277. - Yeah! - Yeah!

278. What are you, gay?

279. Death to the men.

280. Death by snu-snu.

281. Although the snu-snu part is gonna be pretty good.

282. Baby, it'll blow your mind.

283. Femputer, be reasonable.

284. Sure, men are annoying

285. and they wreck up whatever planet they're in charge of,

286. but most of these men are sort of my friends.

287. They don't deserve to die.

288. Hmm.

289. Perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks.

290. But they make fun women's basketball.

291. What? Did you explain how the women's good fundamentals

292. make up for their inability to dunk?

293. Yes. They still laugh.

294. The men must die!

295. Too true, Femputer.

296. You're so wise.

297. Kill them all, I say! Good riddance.

298. Did I mention I'm not a man?

299. I'm a Manbot. That's an understandable mistake.

300. You can let me down now, thanks.

301. He big jerk like man.

302. I sure am, but check the crotch.

303. - Nothing. - Very well. Release him.

304. As for the others, take them to the snu-snu chambers!

305. I'll miss ya, meat bag.

306. Me, too, meat bag.

307. Goodbye, friends.

308. I never thought I would die like this, but I had always really hoped.

309. The Amazonians will be divided into three groups.

310. The one called Zapp

311. will be snu-snu'dby the large women.

312. He that is designated Fry

313. will be snu-snu'd by the petite women.

314. And Kif, as the most attractive male,

315. will be snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia.

316. Then the large women,

317. then the petite women,

318. then the large women again.

319. - Initiate snu-snu!

320. Snu-snu! Snu-snu! Snu-snu!

321. Amy! Before I die, I have to tell you,

322. I didn't mean to say those awful things on our date.

323. They were all Zapp's idea.

324. Really? Honest and true?

325. Yes.

326. And that person calling and hanging up was me.

327. I was just too nervous to say hello because...

328. - I love you! - Oh, Kif!

329. It Og's first time.

330. Be gentle!

331. We've got to do something.

332. Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer

333. and reprogram it to let them go.

334. Maybe you can interface with my ass

335. by biting it!

336. All right, I'll go.

337. Whoo!

338. Yeah! Oh, baby!

339. How Tonk look?

340. Tonk look good.

341. Me fat.

342. No. You look good.

343. Tonk fat.

344. Intruder! Stay away from the mighty Femputer. Guards!

345. Time to override the CPU and reprogram this Femputer.

346. Hey!

347. Stop it! Stop it! Hey, cut that out!

348. Cease hitting Femputer.

349. You're no Femputer. You're a Fembot!

350. It's true.

351. I disguised myself as a Femputer so I could rule the Amazonians.

352. - But why? - Why?

353. Why?

354. I came here from a faraway planet,

355. a planet ruled by a chauvinistic Manputer

356. that was really a Manbot.

357. Have you any idea how it feels to be a Fembot

358. living in a Manbot's Manputer's world?

359. - What? - And now, my meddling Manbot,

360. there's the question of what to do with you.

361. No!

362. We need rest.

363. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

364. It time snu-snu!

365. Can't we just cuddle?

366. No!

367. We can't wait for Bender.

368. It's time for a woman's touch.

369. Me next snu-snu! Out me way!

370. Where go beautiful man?

371. Me want snu-snu!

372. Kif, jump!

373. My hero.

374. Me not get snu-snu!

375. Get him!

376. Mighty Femputer, small girl steal green kissy man.

377. We kill her now?

378. Come back later. Leave me alone.

379. Yeah. Get lost!

380. Ooh!

381. I'm a scary Femputer!

382. Release the prisoners!

383. And bring gold! Lots of gold!

384. Gold? Why Femputer want gold?

385. You heard the man!

386. Yeah.

387. Yeah, baby. Come on, give me some of that.

388. And that's how I got my new shell.

389. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday,

390. and I found it in the same dumpster.

391. But this one had a live raccoon inside.

392. Pretty good story, hey, Hermes?

393. Stick to someone else, ya windy barnacle!

394. It's funny how the battle of the sexes was only resolved

395. when a Manbot and a Fembot realized they loved each other.

396. Yeah.

397. By the way, if she calls, I'm not here.

398. All I know is this gold says that was the best mission ever.

399. It sure was.

400. - Oh, yeah. - I had snu-snu.

401. So, Amy,

402. what do you wanna do now?