Futurama 3x13

Directed by Ron Hughart

When Bender is paralyzed in a tragic can opener accident, he discovers his musical washboard skills and goes on tour as a member of Beck's folk-rock band, acting as a voice for broken robots everywhere. Fry, Leela, Amy, and Zoidberg tag along in Fry's antique 1960s VW Van.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. One, two! One, two, three!

2. Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride

3. Well, Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride

4. Somethin' Bender is great

5. Froggie went a-courtin' and Bender is great

6. Uh-huh

7. Oh, my God!

8. They dug up a bag of Olestra chips from my time.

9. There must be layers and layers of old stuff down there.

10. Oh!

11. What's that?

12. One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about?

13. No, it's an old Volkswagen van.

14. Hey, mister, mind if I take this old van?

15. Sure. You want to dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses.

16. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten used cars before.

17. What's that?

18. One of those Jefferson Starships I've heard so much about?

19. It's called a van. And in light of the fact that it's not a-rockin',

20. I invite you to come a-knockin'.

21. Wow! Neat!

22. It's a triumph of free-spirited German engineering.

23. Hey! The speedometer only goes up to 80.

24. This thing can't go faster than 80,000 miles an hour?

25. No, it can't. But it's got a driver's side floor

26. and an eight-track player with genuine mono sound.

27. Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time?

28. Under the seat.

29. Why won't it start? It just needs some gas.

30. Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas.

31. Petroleum reserves ran dry in 2038.

32. Gas was an environmental disaster anyway.

33. Now we use alternative fuels.

34. - Like what? - Whale oil.

35. Bender, lift it up to the can opener.

36. Oh, no! I'm not going near it.

37. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off.

38. Oh, right. Plus, the magnet

39. screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs.

40. What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer?

41. How ridiculous!

42. Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you.

43. And nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that.

44. Okay. Okay. I can do this.

45. It's time to take life by the cans.

46. - Come on. - You can do it.

47. Go on, you dummy.

48. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care

49. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care

50. Oh, no!

51. I don't care 'cause the master's gone away

52. It's toe-tappingly tragic.

53. Doc, I can't move my arms and legs. What's wrong with me?

54. This is the worst part of the job.

55. - What is it? Good news? - Bender, your hydraulics are shot.

56. - You'll never move again.

57. - You mean... - I'm sorry.

58. - You'll have to get a new one.

59. Poor Bender.

60. Well, let's drag him to the curb.

61. Wait a minute. Bender is my best friend.

62. We can't just dump him in the gutter like Grandma's ashes.

63. Oh! My life is over.

64. - I'll never know happiness again.

65. Hello there.

66. Look, Bender. It's Patch Cord Adams.

67. He heals with the power of laughter.

68. Come on. Take it.

69. - What's the matter? Can't move your arms?

70. Obviously not, or I'd be strangling you right now.

71. Hey, here's a giggle.

72. Did you hear why they're using Windows 3000 as a prison guard?

73. - No. Why? - 'Cause it always locks up.

74. For the love of God, somebody kick his ass!

75. Well, so long. Get well soon.

76. Whoa. Well. So long anyway.

77. Oh, I'm doomed!

78. Everybody leave me alone. I don't wanna be seen this way.

79. Aw, you look so sad.

80. You want me to send Patch Cord Adams back in?

81. Hey, the blues.

82. The tragic sound of other people's suffering.

83. That's kind of a pick-me-up.

84. - Wow, that was great! - Hey, thanks. You a fan?

85. I don't know. Let me see.

86. Oh, my God, you're Beck!

87. I'd get up to shake your hand and steal your wallet,

88. but my crappy body crapped out on me.

89. Don't take it so hard. I used to miss my body, too,

90. but then I fished this mannequin out of the 92-Cent Store Dumpster.

91. Wow! We've sure got a lot in common, Beck.

92. I always dreamed of being a musician-poet who transcends genres,

93. even as he reinvents them, just like you.

94. So do it, robot. It's easier than it looks.

95. Yeah, thanks, but it's hopeless.

96. I'll never be a musician now.

97. Or maybe you'll be the best musician ever.

98. What's this for?

99. Try and scrape it across your chest, like a knife on burnt toast.

100. Come on. Move those arms. Use the power of mental thinking.

101. Make it dynamic.

102. Yeah! All right. Congratulations, my friend.

103. Why? 'Cause I can make annoying noises?

104. Exactly. I use those all the time in my music.

105. Bender, I want you to become my new washboard player.

106. All right!

107. Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!

108. Well, that's my good friend Beck.

109. I'm off to rock a series of mid-level venues.

110. Kudos, Bender. You got mangled, and now you're a singer.

111. Both our dreams came true.

112. Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van

113. and follow Bender on tour and live there in the van?

114. I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too poor to follow a band around in a van.

115. Come on. Move it. We gotta get to the concert

116. and make the audience wait for it to start.

117. Bad news, friends.

118. My shell ran.

119. Zoidberg, you idiot!

120. My outfit... It's... It's...

121. - Kind of cool. - Yeah. I like it.

122. - Me, too, now that I'm used to it. - Then it was all on purpose.

123. You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend.

124. But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that.

125. There's a destination a little up the road

126. From the habitations and the towns we know

127. A place we saw the lights turn low

128. The jigsaw jazz and the get-fresh flow

129. Pulling out jives and jamboree handouts

130. Two turntables and a microphone

131. Bottles and cans just clap your hands

132. Just clap your hands

133. Where it's at

134. Got a washboard stomach and a microphone

135. That was a washboard brain

136. - Oh, yeah!

137. Yeah!

138. One bowl of Jell-O knuckles, please.

139. That'll be three "pic-a-tures" of George Washington.

140. Oh, no! My beautiful money!

141. - It got ruined in the wash. - Mine, too. Even my change.

142. Get lost, you moneyless hippies!

143. You heard him, freaks.

144. We don't like your type around here.

145. These are the types we like.

146. Bender, that was the best 40-minute washboard solo I've ever heard.

147. The parts when I was awake blew my mind.

148. Whoa. Check out all those broken robots. Howdy, fellas!

149. Oh, I don't believe my broken eyes!

150. It's Bender, the washboard player!

151. Hey, man, we caught your concert from here.

152. You rock!

153. Oh, oh, Bender, sign my chest!

154. It's in that bin behind me.

155. Yo, brother! Thanks for showin' that broken robots are still useful.

156. Aw, hang in there, folks.

157. I bet before you know it, you guys'll be...

158. That is so wrong! You can't just melt down broken robots.

159. Not right when they're kissing my ass.

160. Whoa, dawg. Just cold chill.

161. You know, when I'm upset, I write a song about it.

162. Like, when I wrote "Devil's Haircut," I was feeling really...

163. - What's that song about? - Hey, yeah.

164. I could write a song. With real words.

165. Not phony ones, like "odelay."

166. "Odelay" is a word. Just look it up in the Becktionary.

167. Ooh.

168. I'm workin' on my song. Hand me the Becktionary.

169. - No, no, the rhyming Becktionary.

170. I wish I could help raise awareness about broken robots.

171. But what can I do? I only weigh eight pounds.

172. Wait a minute. You know lots of rock stars.

173. And most of them like to look like they care about things.

174. We can all get together for a big benefit concert in San Francisco.

175. And we can call it "Bend-Aid" after me, Bender.

176. And you can sing that song you're writing.

177. And I'll let you sing backup.

178. But remember who the star is. Me, Bender.

179. All right. "Hands in the air" rhymes with "just don't care."

180. And finished!

181. Ugh! Smells like something died in the wall.

182. - Surprise!

183. Mind if we crash here tonight?

184. The colors in the van are keeping us awake.

185. All right, but hands off the minibar.

186. Wow! I forgot about TV. Living free on the road,

187. you realize how much better life is without it.

188. Well, let's see what's on.

189. Tuesday, Golden Gate Park...

190. The monsters of vaguely folkish alterna-rock

191. will strum your brains out at Bend-Aid!

192. Featuring Beck, Wailing Fungus

193. and special guest Bender!

194. A portion of the proceeds might go to help broken robots.

195. - Yeah! - Hooray! Great.

196. - Bender, you're famous! Yeah.

197. This coming together of superstars

198. really means a lot to you, doesn't it, Bender?

199. Uh-huh.

200. Helping my defective brothers

201. is the first thing I've ever cared about,

202. even the slightest bit.

203. You know, when I first got broken,

204. I thought my life was over, but look at me now.

205. I got fame, money, groupies,

206. and it's all thanks to being completely immobilized.

207. That's why I'll be proud to go up on stage tomorrow and say,

208. "Look at me, world! I am a broken robot!"

209. Bender, you can move. You're cured.

210. Oh, crap! It's a miracle!

211. I can move again.

212. My music career is over.

213. Bender, I don't claim to understand "the biz,"

214. but wouldn't being able to move help your music career?

215. No! Don't you see?

216. I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them.

217. But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not?

218. That's like Christina Aguilera singin' in Spanish.

219. Wait! That's it! I'll fake it.

220. You better not do that at the concert.

221. I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt, I get stuff in my throat.

222. Ugh! You are so disgusting. I...

223. They're beautiful!

224. Ew. You're touching them.

225. I've never seen pearls like this.

226. Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing!

227. I am? At last, recognition!

228. Gentle hippies, put your filthy hands together

229. for the folk stylings of Cylon and Garfunkel!

230. Here's a song that was beautiful

231. when performed by my ancestor, Art.

232. Are you goin' to Scarborough Fair

233. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

234. Remember me

235. To one who lives there

236. She once was

237. A true love of mine

238. - We're home. - Well, let's earn some bread.

239. Brothers and sisters, get your love beads.

240. Can't journey to the center of your mind without love beads.

241. Wow, look at the colors!

242. These'll go great with my soul.

243. Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewelry for years, apparently.

244. - I'll take three. - Give me one, man.

245. I'll trade you a bad poem.

246. And now, stand up and turn on your hidden tape recorders

247. for Beck!

248. With special guest, Bender, the Broken Robot!

249. - Bender rules! - Groove on, man!

250. Rock it, Bender!

251. Can't you hear those cavalry drums

252. Hijacking your equilibrium

253. - Oh, yeah - Midnight snacks

254. In the mausoleum

255. Thank you. That song doesn't usually last three hours,

256. but we got into a serious thing,

257. and then I forgot how it ended.

258. Anyway, one last item of business before we go.

259. Bender, to start your foundation for broken robots,

260. here's a big cardboard check for $14,000.

261. It's been an emotional day for me.

262. I don't know what to say.

263. Then maybe you should sing it. Lay it down, boys.

264. Ladies, gentlemen, smoking heaps of machinery...

265. This is a song called "My Broken Friend."

266. People say my broken friend is useless

267. But I say his mind is free

268. There's lots of things my mangled robot friend could be

269. Kick it.

270. He could make a good hat rack

271. He only has to stand there

272. - Or a cheap doorstop - He doesn't need to move

273. - Or a great big giant thermos - Giant thermos

274. - With a twist-off top - That would be good for soup

275. He could be a storage closet

276. For outdated pants

277. I like 'em tight

278. My broken friend could do it all

279. Just give him a chance

280. That robot has a tragic secret

281. That I'd like to share

282. For real?

283. My broken friend is closer to me

284. Than an ass to a chair

285. Mmm.

286. That robot's name I never told you

287. Who's that?

288. You could not foresee

289. Come on. Give it up.

290. I'll say it loud and sing it proud

291. His name is you and me

292. - Don't melt me down into a crowbar - That suffers alone

293. - Just 'cause I can't move my arms and legs - Arms and legs

294. Or toss me into a trash can

295. Bender, what are you doing?

296. Just 'cause I can't cook you ham and eggs

297. What are you doing?

298. Don't crush me into an anchor

299. Yo, what's the dillio?

300. Just 'cause I can't jump and dance and sing

301. But... No. But, Bender...

302. I'm telling you my broken friend

303. Put your hands in the air like you just don't care

304. No...

305. I'm telling you my broken friend

306. Can do most

307. Cut it.

308. Anything

309. Cut it.

310. - Yeah! - Cut it!

311. Curse my natural showmanship!

312. You big, fat fraud! You're not really broken!

313. But you will be in a minute! Bum-rush the stage!

314. Get him!

315. Whoa!

316. Oh, harsh! I didn't get my beads.

317. - You, minion, lift up my arm.

318. After him!

319. Well, everyone, prepare to get your guts kicked out by folk singers.

320. What is this? The Year of the Jerk?

321. Hurry! The Golden Gate Bridge.

322. Put the metal to the pedal to the other metal.

323. Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge.

324. And I forgot this isn't a hover car!

325. Is any of that a problem?

326. Not if you've lived a life without regret.

327. I'll save me!

328. Quick, grab his foot cuffs!

329. Bummer.

330. Someone fat get in my way!

331. I'm broken again.

332. - I can't move any part of me. - Good.

333. I'm really sorry I lied, Beck.

334. All I ever wanted was to make music with you.

335. I never meant to hurt anyone, or help anyone.

336. Bender, that's some played-out, new jack horse crap.

337. But I know you don't mean it, so apology accepted.

338. So, I can keep the check?

339. Over my dead career!

340. Well, it was worth a shot.

341. Come on, Bender! If you're done scamming Beck, we're heading home.

342. All right, all right.

343. Let me just do one thing to cheer myself up.

344. Right!

345. Fry crack corn and I don't care

346. Leela crack corn I still don't care

347. Bender crack corn and he is great

348. Take that, you stupid corn