Futurama 2x8

Conan O'Brien as Conan O'Brien • John Goodman as Robot Santa Claus (voice)

To apologize for an inconsiderate remark, Fry searches for the perfect Xmas gift for Leela, all the while trying to avoid the murderous SantaBot, whose standards for niceness are astronomically high.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE.

2. I'VE TAUGHT THE TOASTER TO FEEL LOVE.

3. AND HERMES RETURNS FROM HIS VACATION TODAY.

4. GOOD MORNING, PEOPLE.

5. HEY, HERMES. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

6. YO. MY MAN.

7. SO, HOW WAS THE SPLEEF NEBULA?

8. THE FLIGHT HAD A STOPOVER ON THE BRAIN SLUG PLANET.

9. HERMES LIKED IT SO MUCH

10. HE DECIDED TO STAY OF HIS OWN FREE WILL.

11. HERMES HAS ALL THE FUN.

12. WAIT A SECOND!

13. HE'S GOT A BRAIN SLUG ON HIS HEAD.

14. SHH. YOU'RE GOING TO GET US ALL ASSIMILATED.

15. JUST ACT NORMAL

16. AND SWITCH TO A GARLIC SHAMPOO.

17. ON TO NEW BUSINESS. TODAY'S MISSION

18. IS FOR YOU ALL TO GO TO THE BRAIN SLUG PLANET.

19. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THERE?

20. JUST WALK AROUND, NOT WEARING A HELMET.

21. SOUNDS GREAT, HERMES!

22. OH, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

23. WHA— HEY, LET'S DITCH HIM AND GO TO THE MOVIES.

24. HEY, YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

25. I'M SEEING A MOVIE WITH FRIENDS.

26. UHHHHH.

27. COOL! LET'S SEE THIS ONE.

28. NAH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD

29. FOR A HISTORICAL DOCUMENTARY.

30. I'VE HEARD GOOD THINGS ABOUT QUIZBLORG, QUIZBLORG.

31. GUCK!

32. I HATE SUBTITLES.

33. ALIEN FILMS ARE SO PRETENTIOUS.

34. FELLOWS, FELLOWS,

35. HOW ABOUT A FILM WE CAN ALL ENJOY?

36. PLANET OF THE CLAMS.

37. IT'S ABOUT AN UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD

38. WHERE LOBSTER IS SLAVE TO CLAM.

39. WHO INVITED YOU?

40. LET'S JUST SEE THE MOVIE.

41. GOOD POINT, BENDER.

42. I'LL TAKE A SMALL SLURM.

43. FOR ONLY 25 CENTS LESS, YOU CAN GET A SUPER-SMALL.

44. UH, OKAY.

45. OH, MAN!

46. HEY, GIVE ME A LARGE DIET MALT LIQUOR

47. AND A POPCORN WITH EXTRA MOTOR OIL.

48. DOWN IN FRONT!

49. OOH, THIS IS REAL FUTURISTIC.

50. SHH. DON'T TALK DURING THE MOVIE.

51. NEW NEW YORK MAYOR C. RANDALL POOPENMEYER

52. OPENS A NEW TUBE LINE TO ALLEVIATE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC.

53. PARAMECIUM HOMEWORLD.

54. NEWLY CROWNED MISS UNIVERSE, GLADYS LENNOX

55. ENTERTAINS TROOPS FIGHTING TO WIPE OUT THE HUMAN RACE.

56. GO GET 'EM, BOYS!

57. AND IN THE WORLD OF ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTING,

58. THE MASKED UNIT WINS HIS CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT

59. AGAINST GORGEOUS GONKS BY TECHNICAL MELTING.

60. GO, MASKED UNIT!

61. HEY, BUDDY. YO!

62. YOU MIND TAKING YOUR HEAD OFF?

63. I'M SORRY, SIR,

64. BUT I NEED IT TO WATCH THE MOVIE.

65. JUST ASK FLABBY OVER HERE TO DESCRIBE IT TO YOU, LATER.

66. SIR, SHE IS AS THE FACTORY MADE HER.

67. WELL, THEY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED MAKING HER

68. ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH.

69. Well, that finishes this paperwork.

70. CALCULON ENTERPRISES.

71. Calculon, a fight scene has broken out

72. at the special effects warehouse.

73. Come, quickly

74. before a fiery explosion chases someone down a hallway.

75. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO—

76. IF YOU WANT CALCULON

77. TO RACE TO THE LASERGUN BATTLE

78. IN HIS HOVER FERRARI, PRESS ONE.

79. IF YOU WANT CALCULON

80. TO DOUBLE-CHECK HIS PAPERWORK, PRESS TWO.

81. ENTER NOW.

82. - You have pressed two. - NO, I DIDN'T.

83. I'm almost positive you did.

84. Add in the carryover from form 16-A, then deduct line 2-B.

85. PARDON ME, SIR,

86. BUT YOU SEEM TO BE INADVERTENTLY KICKING MY SEAT.

87. PARDON ME, SIR—

88. YES, THAT'S THE GIST OF WHAT I SAID.

89. WOULD YOU MIND?

90. SURE THING, PAL.

91. UH, SIR—

92. WHO THREW THAT?

93. THAT'S IT!

94. SIR, I CHALLENGE YOU TO FISTICUFFS.

95. OH, I'M BONED.

96. LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY.

97. OH... UH!

98. I'M GOING TO OPEN A FILE OF WHOOP-ASS ON YOU!

99. BENDER, DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?

100. CRIPES! THE MASKED UNIT!

101. YOU KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD.

102. I'M IMPRESSED.

103. SON, I'M THE COMMISSIONER OF ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTING.

104. I'M A CONNOISSEUR OF JERKS WHO PICK FIGHTS

105. IN MOVIE THEATERS

106. AND YOU'RE THE BIGGEST I'VE EVER SEEN.

107. YOU SHOULD SEE ME AT FUNERALS.

108. KID, I WANT YOU

109. IN THE ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTING LEAGUE.

110. ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTING?

111. SOUNDS PLEASANT. I'LL DO IT.

112. MY HERO.

113. AH, THEY DON'T MAKE MOVIES LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

114. I'M GOING TO BE THE GREATEST ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTER EVER.

115. FLOAT LIKE A FLOAT-BOT,

116. STING LIKE AN AUTOMATIC STINGING MACHINE.

117. BENDER, YOU CAN'T BE AN ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTER.

118. IT'S THE MOST BRUTAL FORM OF COMPETITION IN THE GALAXY.

119. IT IS?

120. THERE ARE NO RULES.

121. TWO ROBOTS ENTER. ONE ROBOT LEAVES.

122. THEN, LATER, THE OTHER ROBOT LEAVES

123. AFTER BEING DECLARED THE WINNER.

124. THAT DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD.

125. OH, DID I MENTION THE CRIPPLING, AGONIZING PAIN?

126. I'M PRETTY SURE I DID.

127. OH, AH, YES, DEFINITELY.

128. CRIPPLING PAIN?

129. THAT'S NOT COVERED BY MY INSURANCE FRAUD.

130. COUNT ME OUT.

131. NO, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.

132. I DON'T CARE HOW SUICIDAL IT IS.

133. HEY, HOW COME WHEN I WANT

134. TO DO FUN STUFF THAT WILL KILL ME, YOU'RE AGAINST IT?

135. THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT

136. MARBLE-EATING CONTEST, FRY.

137. IT'S ABOUT PRIDE.

138. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY FROM MY CHILDHOOD.

139. AH, AGAIN WITH THE ORPHANARIUM.

140. WHEN I WAS GROWING UP AT THE ORPHANARIUM,

141. I GOT PICKED ON A LOT.

142. MY ONLY OUTLET WAS OCTOURAN KUNG FU.

143. YI-AH!

144. YE-AH!

145. YEE!

146. EXCELLENT.

147. BILL, KEITH, YOU WILL GO TO JUNIOR CHAMPIONSHIPS.

148. BILL, CONGRATULATE KEITH WHEN HE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS.

149. BUT MASTER FUNOG, I CAN BEAT THESE DORKS WITH ONE EYE CLOSED.

150. PERHAPS, BUT THERE IS MORE TO WINNING

151. THAN BEATING YOUR OPPONENT.

152. YOU LACK THE WILL OF A WARRIOR.

153. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WATCH THIS.

154. YAH!

155. AH-AH-AH-AH-OW!

156. NO GIRL HAS THE WILL OF A WARRIOR.

157. YOU HAVE THE WILL OF A HOUSEWIFE

158. OR AT BEST, THE SCHOOLMARM.

159. THAT'S IT. I'LL TAKE YOU ON RIGHT NOW.

160. VERY WELL, BUT YOU SEE, I HAVE THE WILL OF THE WARRIOR.

161. THEREFORE, THE BATTLE IS ALREADY OVER.

162. THE WINNER? ME. HA, HA!

163. REMATCH? YOU LOSE AGAIN.

164. HAD ENOUGH? I THOUGHT SO.

165. I LOST MY CHANCE TO BE A CHAMPION.

166. I WON'T LET YOU THROW AWAY YOURS.

167. LEELA IS RIGHT.

168. I DON'T WANT TO END UP A LOSER LIKE HER.

169. COUNT ME BACK IN.

170. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

171. TOUCH YOUR TOES.

172. STILL... CAN'T... REACH.

173. HI-YAH!

174. HI-YAH!

175. LET'S COMMENCE PREPARATIONS FOR RUMBLING!

176. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND SMIZMARS

177. WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT.

178. IN THIS CORNER, FROM MOM'S FRIENDLY ROBOT FACTORY

179. IN AMERICA'S HEARTLAND, MEXICO— BENDER!

180. AND, IN THIS CORNER, FROM AND MADE OF PARTS UNKNOWN,

181. THE CLEAR-CUTTER.

182. BENDER RULES!

183. I GOT YOU AN OFFICIAL BENDER HAT.

184. WOW! THANKS, HERMES.

185. I... HEY, CUT THAT OUT!

186. YOU CAN'T HIT WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE.

187. OW!

188. GET UP, BENDER.

189. YOU CAN'T QUIT EVERY TIME YOU GET AN AX IN THE BACK.

190. OR A DRILL THROUGH YOUR FACE.

191. NOW, QUIT SCRATCHING YOUR AX HOLE AND GET OUT THERE.

192. OW-OW-OW!

193. HUH?

194. AND THE WINNER IS...

195. BENDER!

196. NICE WORK OUT THERE, KID.

197. YOU KNOW, I THINK HE MIGHT BE DEAD.

198. I TOOK A LIFE!

199. HI, BOSS. YO, DUDE.

200. HEY! HE'S NOT DEAD. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

201. WHAT, YOU DIDN'T READ THE PAMPHLET?

202. ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTING'S A SCAM, KID. IT'S RIGGED.

203. IT'S A SECRET, SO KEEP IT

204. UNDER YOUR HEAD...

205. BUT THE MOST POPULAR ROBOT ALWAYS WINS.

206. YOU MEAN I'M NOT A GREAT FIGHTER?

207. I JUST WON 'CAUSE I'M POPULAR?

208. BINGO.

209. WOO-HOO! I'M POPULAR!

210. IN FACT, YOU'RE MORE THAN POPULAR.

211. YOU'RE PURE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR.

212. GO, BENDER. GO, BENDER. GO, BENDER.

213. PRESENTING... BENDER

214. THE OFFENDER.

215. I'M JUST AN EX-CON TRYING TO GO STRAIGHT AND GET MY KIDS BACK.

216. I LOVE YOU, BENDER.

217. VERSUS, BILLIONAIRE-BOT!

218. YAY!

219. VERSUS THE FOREIGNER.

220. I'M NOT FROM HERE. I HAVE MY OWN CUSTOMS.

221. LOOK AT MY CRAZY PASSPORT.

222. VERSUS THE CHAIN SMOKER.

223. I LOVE SMOKING, AND AFTER I WIN THE FIGHT

224. I'M HEADED STRAIGHT TO YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT.

225. OW!

226. YOU KNOW, I'M ALSO AN ULTIMATE ROBOT LOVER.

227. BENDER, YOU'RE THREE HOURS LATE.

228. YOU CAN'T GIVE UP ON YOUR TRAINING NOW

229. AFTER BOTH OF US WORKED SO HARD.

230. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WE"?

231. I SAID "US."

232. HEY, BENDER THE OFFENDER DOESN'T NEED YOU.

233. BENDER THE OFFENDER DOESN'T NEED ANYBODY.

234. WHAT ABOUT US, MR. THE OFFENDER?

235. WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I NEED FLOOZIES.

236. LET'S ROLL.

237. HOWDY, CHIEF.

238. FOR MY NEXT BOUT, WHAT DO YOU SAY I FIGHT

239. THESE TWO BIMBOS IN SOME MUD?

240. ACTUALLY, WE'VE DECIDED TO GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

241. WHAT IF I TOLD YOU

242. WE WOULDN'T BE FIGHTING IN THE CONVENTIONAL SENSE?

243. BENDER, YOUR POPULARITY IS SLIPPING.

244. SALES OF YOUR BENDER-BRAND

245. FRENCH-MILLED BATH SOAPS ARE DOWN 20%.

246. THOSE MORONS.

247. I SAID TEABERRY, NOT SANDALWOOD.

248. DAMN IT, BENDER,

249. IF YOU CAN'T MOVE SANDALWOOD

250. YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS LEAGUE!

251. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE NEXT WEEK'S TITLE MATCH.

252. BUT THE CROWD LOVES ME.

253. PERHAPS, BUT LET'S SEE HOW THEY FEEL

254. ABOUT YOUR NEW PERSONA— THE GENDER BENDER.

255. YOU'LL BE THE MOST UNPOPULAR ROBOT FIGHTER

256. SINCE SERGEANT FECES PROCESSOR.

257. OH, YEAH?

258. WELL, WHAT IF I DON'T LET THE NEW GUY WIN?

259. THEN, HE'LL JUST HAVE TO BEAT YOU

260. THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY— TO DEATH!

261. MELISSA, SEND IN THE NEW KID.

262. I... AM... DESTRUCTOR!

263. SEE YOU AT THE FIGHT.

264. SO THEN I SAID, "SEE YOU AT THE FIGHT,"

265. AND THAT'S THE STORY.

266. MAN, I THOUGHT ULTIMATE ROBOT FIGHTING WAS REAL

267. LIKE PRO WRESTLING, BUT IT TURNS OUT IT'S FIXED LIKE BOXING.

268. IT'S ONE THING TO WIN A FIXED FIGHT—

269. THERE'S DIGNITY IN THAT—

270. BUT TO LOSE, AND IN THIS ATROCITY—

271. I CAN'T DO IT.

272. LEELA, YOU'VE GOT TO TRAIN ME TO WIN.

273. NO WAY! IF YOU WOULDN'T TAKE MY HELP WHEN YOU DIDN'T NEED IT,

274. WHY SHOULD I GIVE IT TO YOU NOW WHEN YOU DO NEED IT?

275. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

276. I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M NOT HELPING.

277. You loved him as Bender the Offender.

278. Now, get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality

279. in his new persona— The Gender Bender.

280. I'm a real toughie.

281. Squaring off this Sunday, versus... Destructor.

282. I will destroy you!

283. And stop calling me.

284. I am Destructor's trainer, Master Funog.

285. My pupil will be victorious

286. for he has the will of a warrior.

287. NOT FUNOG!

288. BENDER, LET'S HIT THE GYM.

289. I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU TO FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

290. I'LL PUT ON MY TUTU.

291. HELLO AND WELCOME

292. TO A REMARKABLE CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT—

293. DESTRUCTOR, A ROBOTIC ARMORED TANK

294. WHOSE VERY USE IN BATTLE HAS BEEN RULED A WAR CRIME...

295. VERSUS GENDER BENDER, WHO WEARS A PINK TUTU.

296. THIS IS RICH LITTLE, IMITATING HOWARD COSELL

297. HERE AT RINGSIDE WITH GEORGE FOREMAN.

298. GEORGE, A WORD IN EDGEWISE.

299. THIS COULD BE THE MOST ONE-SIDED FIGHT SINCE 1973

300. WHEN ALI FACED AN 80-FOOT-TALL, MECHANICAL JOE FRAZIER.

301. M-MY MEMORY'S NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE,

302. BUT I THINK THE ENTIRE EARTH WAS DESTROYED.

303. INTERESTING, IF TRUE.

304. THE VEGAS ODDS TONIGHT STAND AT AN UNPRECEDENTED 1,000:0.

305. A BET OF ZERO DOLLARS ON BENDER PAYS $1,000 IF HE WINS.

306. STILL, VERY FEW TAKERS.

307. IT'S NOT-NOT A SMART BET.

308. ACCORDING TO THE SCRIPT,

309. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PRANCE OUT

310. AND TICKLE HIM WITH YOUR FAIRY WAND.

311. INSTEAD, I WANT YOU TO PRANCE OUT

312. AND KICK HIS HEAD OFF.

313. GOT IT. LARGE KICKLE, HOLD THE TICKLE.

314. THANK GOD, I'M FREE OF THAT NIGHTMARE!

315. SORRY, BUDDY. HERE YOU GO.

316. THANK YOU.

317. IT WAS COLD ON THE FLOOR.

318. HERE, PROFESSOR, I GOT YOU A PROGRAM.

319. OH, GOOD.

320. JUST LET ME PUT ON MY READING GLASSES.

321. WHY, ZOIDBERG,

322. THERE'S A LOVELY PHOTO OF YOU IN HERE.

323. IN THIS CORNER, THE CONFUSED YOUNG ROBOT

324. WITH THE GOLDEN CURLS, WEIGHING 525 POUNDS—

325. THE GENDER BENDER!

326. BOO!

327. GET THAT HIPPIE OUT OF THE RING!

328. AND IN THESE TWO CORNERS, WEIGHING 400 TONS,

329. THE GIZMO FROM PISMO... BEACH—

330. DESTRUCTOR!

331. SO, WE MEET AGAIN.

332. MOST AMUSING.

333. GIRL WHO ACTS LIKE FIGHTER

334. TRAINING FIGHTER WHO ACTS LIKE GIRL.

335. KEEP LAUGHING, FUNOG.

336. READY, BENDER?

337. I WAS BUILT READY. GIVE ME THE BELL.

338. DID YOU HEAR A NOISE?

339. FINAL BOARDING CALL FOR FLIGHT 406

340. NONSTOP SERVICE TO PAIN.

341. NOW BOARDING STAND-BY PASSENGERS—

342. THIS SEEMS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY

343. TO BRING UP MY NEW GRILL FOR NO REASON.

344. WITH ITS PATENTED DESIGN,

345. THE FAT DRAINS DIRECTLY INTO MY MOUTH.

346. MMM...

347. MMM...

348. FRY, THROW IN THE TOWEL.

349. FOR GOD SAKES, FRY!

350. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.

351. NOOOOO!

352. MOMMY.

353. OKAY, FUNOG, THAT'S ENOUGH.

354. CALL HIM OFF.

355. FUNOG?

356. HMM.

357. WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP ME?

358. SO... ONCE MORE, WE MEET AGAIN.

359. HUH?

360. YOU DIDN'T TRAIN DESTRUCTOR.

361. YOU'RE JUST CONTROLLING HIM LIKE A PUPPET.

362. I MEAN, CHEATING IN A FAKE FIGHT—

363. THAT'S LOW.

364. BETTER THAN BEING A GIRL... LIKE YOU.

365. YOU'RE A GIRL.

366. OH, RIGHT.

367. GIRLS LACK THE WILL OF THE WARRIOR.

368. HUH?

369. IT'S BENDERIN' TIME.

370. TAKE THIS...

371. AND THIS.

372. YOU WERE AN EXCELLENT STUDENT.

373. TOO BAD I WAS A LOUSY TEACHER.

374. OW!

375. I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT OF BENDERING TIME.

376. SEE YOU IN GIRL HELL.

377. I'LL BE IN BOY HELL— MUCH NICER.

378. YES!

379. YES!

380. OW.

381. AND THE WINNER IS...

382. DESTRUCTOR!

383. I'VE NOT SEEN A SPECTACLE OF THIS NATURE

384. IN ALL MY YEARS IMPERSONATING A SPORTSCASTER.

385. IT SURE WAS SOME FIGHT.

386. AS A HEAD WITHOUT A BODY, I ENVY THE DEAD.

387. NO ARGUMENT HERE.

388. BENDER, HOW DID THE FIGHT GO?

389. I HEARD SOMEBODY GOT FLATTENED.

390. FRY, WHERE'S YOUR BRAIN SLUG?

391. POOR LITTLE GUY STARVED TO DEATH.

392. I'M PROUD OF YOU, BENDER.

393. SURE, YOU LOST— YOU LOST BAD—

394. BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS

395. I BEAT UP SOMEONE WHO HURT MY FEELINGS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

396. I'M IN TREMENDOUS PAIN HERE.

397. GREAT JOB, KID.

398. YOU LOST, AND YOU MADE IT LOOK ALMOST HALF-REAL.

399. I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS CARD

400. GOOD FOR TEN PERCENT OFF AT BED, BATH AND BEYOND.

401. YES...

402. I'M THE GREATEST...

403. THE GREATEST!

404. AND SO ENDS THE CHRONICLE

405. OF ONE OF THE GREATEST EVER TO PLAY THE SPORT.

406. AN-AND HE DIDN'T LOOK HALF-BAD IN A TUTU.

407. THAT HE DID SURELY NOT.

408. WHAT?