Futurama 2x3

Directed by Brian Sheesley

The Omicronians invade Earth, demanding to see the lost final episode of the 1999 TV show Single Female Lawyer. The Planet Express crew must re-enact the episode to appease the invading aliens.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. You're entering the vicinity

2. of an area adjacent to a location.

3. The kind of place where there might be a monster

4. or some kind of weird mirror.

5. These are just examples.

6. It could also be something much better.

7. Prepare to enter...

8. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.

9. Finally... solitude.

10. I can read books for all eternity.

11. It's not fair.

12. It's not fair!

13. Wait. My eyes aren't that bad.

14. I can still read the large-print books.

15. It's not f—

16. Well, lucky I know how to read Braille.

17. Hey, look at that weird mirror.

18. HIS OWN HUBRIS.

19. THERE'S A POLITICAL DEBATE ON. QUICK, CHANGE THE CHANNEL.

20. HEY, THAT'S WHAT FRY SAID WHEN WE TURNED ON THE DEBATE.

21. C-SPAN9 presents The Thrill of Politics.

22. WHA— HUH?

23. LOOK, I KNOW THERE ARE NO CAR CHASES,

24. BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.

25. BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD.

26. WHAT DO WE CARE? WE LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES.

27. IS PART OF THE WORLD.

28. WOW, I HAVE BEEN GONE A LONG TIME.

29. It's time someone had the courage

30. to stand up and say

31. I'm against those things that everybody hates!

32. Now, I respect my opponent.

33. I think he's a good man.

34. But, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!

35. THESE ARE THE CANDIDATES? THEY SOUND LIKE CLONES.

36. WAIT A MINUTE. THEY ARE CLONES!

37. DON'T LET THEIR IDENTICAL DNA FOOL YOU.

38. SOME KEY ISSUES.

39. I say your three-cent titanium tax goes too far.

40. And I say your three-cent titanium tax

41. doesn't go too far enough.

42. IF I WERE REGISTERED TO VOTE, I'D SEND THESE CLOWNS A MESSAGE

43. AND DRESSING UP LIKE A CLOWN!

44. YOU'RE NOT REGISTERED?

45. NOPE. NOT VACCINATED, EITHER.

46. BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE ONE VOTE EVER MADE A DIFFERENCE.

47. THAT'S NOT TRUE.

48. WON BY EXACTLY ONE VOTE.

49. AH, YES! JOHN QUINCY ADDING MACHINE.

50. GO ON A KILLING SPREE.

51. BUT, LIKE MOST POLITICIANS,

52. THAN HE COULD DELIVER.

53. THE POINT IS, ONE VOTE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

54. AND EVEN THOUGH IT WON'T

55. I'M STILL TAKING YOU TO GET REGISTERED.

56. YES, THAT'S A CAPITAL IDEA.

57. LET'S ALL GO REGISTER.

58. PROFESSOR, WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO OBSESSED WITH VOTING?

59. I BECAME OLD.

60. MMM!

61. MMM!

62. TO THE LESS FORTUNATE.

63. GET ALL THE BREAKS.

64. YOU KNOW, FRY, YOU COULD JOIN A THIRD PARTY, MAYBE.

65. JOIN THIRD PARTIES.

66. REALLY? I BETTER KEEP AN EYE OUT AT THE NEXT MEETING.

67. BELONG TO, BENDER?

68. EH, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE.

69. 'CAUSE YOU'RE A ROBOT?

70. NO. CONVICTED FELON.

71. SLUG PLANET.

72. OKAY, BUT WHAT ARE

73. FOR THE WORKING MAN?

74. ATTACH BRAIN SLUGS TO THEM.

75. SURE, YOU SAY THAT NOW.

76. AND ROPES OUT OF HEMP?

77. DAVE'S NOT HERE, MAN.

78. MAKES GREAT SHAMPOO.

79. IT DOES? NO WAY!

80. THIS BROCHURE.

81. SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

82. TO BEAR DOOMSDAY DEVICES?

83. WELL, FIRST OFF, WE'RE GOING TO GET RID

84. PERIOD FOR MAD SCIENTISTS.

85. DAMN STRAIGHT!

86. TODAY, THE MAD SCIENTIST CAN'T GET A DOOMSDAY DEVICE.

87. TOMORROW, IT'S THE MAD GRAD STUDENT!

88. WHERE WILL IT END?

89. AMEN, BROTHER!

90. I DON'T GO ANYWHERE

91. FOR DUCK HUNTIN'.

92. SURE,

93. TO TEST COSMETICS?

94. I CONCUR.

95. NOW HERE'S A PARTY I CAN GET EXCITED ABOUT. SIGN ME UP.

96. SORRY, NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE.

97. OKAY, THEN SCREW IT.

98. WELCOME ABOARD, BROTHER!

99. - ALL RIGHT! - YOU'RE OUT.

100. THAT WAS PRETTY COOL.

101. I THINK I'M ACTUALLY STARTING TO GET INTERESTED IN POLITICS.

102. And so, with two weeks left in the campaign,

103. the question on everyone's mind

104. is who will be

105. the next President of Earth—

106. Jack Johnson, or bitter rival John Jackson?

107. Two terrific candidates, huh, Morbo?

108. All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.

109. In other local news

110. disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan today

111. when a titanium mine collapsed

112. trapping 1,000 robot workers.

113. WHAT? LORD HAVE MERCY!

114. Unless something is done quickly

115. the trapped robots will be dead within 300 years.

116. Sir, what rescue operations are planned?

117. The plan is, basically, to pave over the area

118. and get on with our lives.

119. News of the mine's closing

120. sent titanium prices skyrocketing.

121. ALL RIGHT! I'M RICH!

122. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

123. MY BODY'S 40% TITANIUM.

124. I'M FINALLY RICHER THAN THOSE SNOOTY A.T.M. MACHINES.

125. TOO BAD YOU CAN'T SPEND IT.

126. - OH, CAN'T I? - NO.

127. WATCH ME, POOR MAN.

128. PLEASURE DOIN' BUSINESS WITH YOU.

129. GAME'S OVER, LOSERS!

130. I HAVE ALL THE MONEY.

131. AND THEN KILL YOURSELVES.

132. HEY, GET AWAY! SHOO!

133. I'LL GIVE YOU $5.00 TO NOT DO WHAT YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DOING.

134. YOU JUST LOST $5.00.

135. HEY, BUDDY! LITTLE HELP?

136. THANK YOU!

137. HELLO, PEASANTS.

138. BENDER! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

139. YOU LOOK DIFFERENT. DID YOU GET A HAIRCUT?

140. NO! I SOLD MY BODY.

141. SOLD YOUR BODY?

142. OH, BENDER, I'VE BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD.

143. I KNOW IT'S GLAMOROUS AND THE PARTIES ARE GREAT,

144. BUT YOU'LL END UP SPENDING

145. AND SKINTIGHT PANTS.

146. THIS IS CRAZY, BENDER.

147. WITHOUT A BODY?

148. AND FAT PEOPLE.

149. WRAPPED AROUND IT.

150. WELL, AT LEAST NOW YOU CAN PAY OFF YOUR LOAN SHARK.

151. YEAH, RIGHT, WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO, BREAK MY LEGS?

152. AH, THIS IS THE LIFE!

153. ANOTHER MARTINI, PLEASE!

154. SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED.

155. OH, YEAH!

156. PUT IT ALL ON BLACK.

157. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

158. 21 RED.

159. 33 BLACK.

160. YES!

161. THE RICH GET RICHER.

162. STRIKE! IN YOUR FACE, LEELA!

163. OW!

164. TIMBER!

165. HEY, BENDER, CAN I TAKE A RIDE IN YOUR CAR?

166. MAYBE IF YOU CLEAN UP FIRST.

167. STEPPED IN SOMETHING.

168. OH, I'M SORRY.

169. THAT'S JUST YOUR BODY.

170. HEY, YOU LOOK ME IN THE SHINS AND SAY THAT.

171. HEY, I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS PLACE.

172. I'M OFF

173. POETRY, PHILOSOPHY, HATS.

174. SO LONG, COFFIN-STUFFERS!

175. PLEASE CARRY ME?

176. NOW, WHICH GROUP OF HEADS

177. TO HANG OUT WITH?

178. WHAT DO YOU THINK, FRY?

179. FRY?

180. MMM.

181. HI.

182. I'M CLAUDIA SCHIFFER'S HEAD.

183. I RECOGNIZE YOU.

184. DIDN'T YOU USE TO HAVE A BODY OF SOME SORT?

185. YEAH, BUT IT WAS HOLDING ME BACK.

186. YOU KNOW, I JUST

187. SWIM CAP ISSUE.

188. WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT.

189. THANKS. I WOULDN'T FEW POUNDS, THOUGH.

190. COULDN'T HURT.

191. AH, U.S. PRESIDENTS!

192. STURDY SHELVES, GOOD SECURITY...

193. THIS PLACE HAS CLASS.

194. HEY, SUGAR COOKIE!

195. YOU KNOW, LEGALLY

196. COUNTS AS SEX ANYMORE.

197. FOR HIS RUDENESS, MA'AM.

198. AROUND MEATY-LOOKING WOMEN.

199. HEY, I REMEMBER YOU.

200. FOR YOU ONE TIME.

201. BUT VOTING ISN'T COOL

202. AND GOT TRASHED ON LISTERINE.

203. FRANKLY, I'VE NEVER

204. TO THE PROCESS.

205. NO KIDDING, FORD.

206. "THAT'S NOT MY EXPANSION SLOT."

207. "THAT'S NOT MY GOLD-PLATED 25-PIN CONNECTOR."

208. OH, BENDER.

209. CRACKETH ME UP.

210. YOU KNOW, I LIKE IT HERE.

211. WHAT'S THE RENT ON ONE OF THESE JARS?

212. SORRY, BENDER, BUT WE CAN'T ALLOW

213. EVERY TOM, DICK AND HARRY TO MOVE IN.

214. NO OFFENSE JEFFERSON, NIXON AND TRUMAN.

215. MAYBE MR. BENDER CAN GET A SPOT

216. OF PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS.

217. BOB DOLE NEEDS COMPANY.

218. LAROUCHE WON'T STOP WITH THE KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES.

219. PASS.

220. SO TELLETH, BENDER—

221. TO YOUR BODY?

222. I HOCKED IT.

223. HOCKED IT? THOU DO THAT?

224. YOU HOCKED YOUR TEETH.

225. AH, BOOZE MONEY.

226. MY BODY.

227. FLABBY, PASTY-SKINNED, RIDDLED WITH PHLEBITIS.

228. A GOOD REPUBLICAN BODY.

229. GOD, I LOVED IT.

230. I HEAR THAT.

231. LOVING MY BODY.

232. COURSE, IT

233. FRY, HE OPENED UP RELATIONS WITH CHINA.

234. HE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DING-DONG.

235. SO, NIXON,

236. BEING A HEAD'S GREAT, TOO, RIGHT?

237. NO, SON.

238. IT'S A SAD AND LONELY LIFE.

239. OH, GREAT. NOW YOU TELL ME.

240. THAT'S MY STYLE.

241. I LIKE TO KICK 'EM WHEN THEY'RE DOWN.

242. ONE, ZERO, UH—

243. ONE, ONE, ZERO, ZERO, ONE—

244. BENDER, WHAT IS IT?

245. WHOA, WHAT AN AWFUL DREAM.

246. EVERYWHERE.

247. I SAW A TWO.

248. IT WAS JUST A DREAM, BENDER.

249. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TWO.

250. I KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

251. AND I TURNED ITS BACK ON IT.

252. WELL, OLD FRIEND, TIE A YELLOW RIBBON 'ROUND YOUR NECK

253. 'CAUSE I'M A-COMIN' HOME.

254. YOU SOLD MY BODY? TO WHO?

255. I CAN'T REVEAL

256. A NICE ROBOT.

257. I'LL GIVE YOU 50 BUCKS FOR THE KID.

258. HEY, MY CLOTHES ARE WORTH 50 BUCKS.

259. DEAL.

260. HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN?

261. I CAN'T GO THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE LIKE THIS.

262. DON'T YOU HAVE A SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON?

263. YEAH... BUT IT'S ON MY BODY.

264. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

265. UH, I CAN'T STAND TO SEE A ROBOT CRY.

266. LET'S WATCH TV.

267. And so, ladies and gentlemen

268. I'm throwing my head into the ring.

269. I'm announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of Earth.

270. SCOOP CHANG, BEIJING BUGLE.

271. SIR, THE CONSTITUTION

272. PRESIDENT MORE THAN TWICE.

273. THAT'S RIGHT... NO BODY.

274. BUT AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE, I'VE GOT A SHINY NEW BODY.

275. BENDER, HE'S GOT YOUR BODY!

276. THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BASTARD!

277. WITH RICHARD NIXON.

278. FROM THE PAWNSHOP.

279. YEAH, AND THAT ELECTRIC GUITAR.

280. I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies.

281. I am not a crook's head.

282. YEAH, YOU ARE. YOU STOLE MY BODY!

283. FRY, LEELA, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

284. ORDINARILY, I'D SAY

285. SUCH AN IDIOT.

286. NIXON IS ON THE LOOSE,

287. TO TAKE ACTION.

288. IDIOT.

289. TONIGHT'S CANDIDATES.

290. PUNY HUMAN NUMBER ONE,

291. PUNY HUMAN NUMBER TWO,

292. AND MORBO'S GOOD FRIEND, RICHARD NIXON.

293. HELLO, MORBO. HOW'S THE FAMILY?

294. BELLIGERENT AND NUMEROUS.

295. GOOD MAN.

296. NIXON'S PRO-WAR AND PRO-FAMILY.

297. GREAT. FIRST HE STEALS MY BODY, NOW HE'S TOUCHING MY STUFF.

298. COME ON. WE'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.

299. "IF YOU SAW DELICIOUS CANDY

300. WOULD YOU SEIZE AND CONSUME IT?"

301. UNTHINKABLE!

302. I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT!

303. WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. NIXON?

304. I REMIND YOU, YOU ARE UNDER A TRUTH-O-SCOPE.

305. UH, WELL, UH...

306. THE QUESTION IS-IS VAGUE.

307. YOU DON'T SAY WHAT KIND OF CANDY,

308. UH, WHETHER ANYONE IS WATCHING...

309. AT ANY RATE, I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HARM THE CHILD.

310. TONIGHT, SIR.

311. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THEY ATE ME ALIVE OUT THERE.

312. YES, BUT YOUR BODY

313. AND THAT MESSAGE IS, "LOOK AT MY SHINY NEW BODY."

314. THE ROBOTS ATE IT UP.

315. YOU'VE GOT REAL CHARISMA FROM THE NECK DOWN.

316. NIXON WITH CHARISMA.

317. MY GOD!

318. I CAN RULE THE UNIVERSE!

319. GIVE ME MY BODY BACK, YOU TWO-BIT THIEF!

320. NOW, LOOK HERE, YOU DRUGGED-OUT COMMUNIST,

321. AND I'D NO SOONER RETURN IT

322. SPANIEL DOG, CHECKERS.

323. - SHUT UP, DAMN IT!

324. PLEASE, MR. NIXON

325. WE'RE APPEALING TO YOUR SENSE OF DECENCY.

326. VERY GOOD!

327. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, I'M NEVER GIVING BACK THIS BODY.

328. NOW, BEAT IT, BEFORE I GET CAMBODIAN ON YOUR ASSES!

329. IT'S HOPELESS.

330. FOR THE FIVE-CENT DEPOSIT.

331. NO WAY.

332. I'M NOT LETTING MY BEST FRIEND

333. NOT FOR FIVE CENTS, NOT FOR 500 CENTS.

334. LEELA, I'VE GOT A PLAN.

335. I'VE GOT A BETTER PLAN.

336. AT THE WATERGATE?

337. IF YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

338. KEEP GOING. WE'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

339. WHOA, MAMA. GET A ROOM, YOU TWO.

340. WE'RE IN A ROOM!

341. WELL, THEN, LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

342. OH, YEAH, YOU WOMEN'S LIBBERS REALLY KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

343. PSST, THERE I AM.

344. HEY, BETTY FRIEDAN,

345. THAT LOTION MY WAY.

346. OKAY, ALMOST GOT IT.

347. STEADY...

348. STEADY...

349. DON'T PANIC.

350. OOH.

351. UH-OH.

352. HUH? WHAT THE—

353. HAVE SOME NERVE.

354. I'M JUST HERE FOR WHAT'S MINE.

355. DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR NECK.

356. BRING IT ON, SOUP CAN.

357. ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP, YOU TWO.

358. THAT'S IT!

359. YOU'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL

360. AND DON'T EXPECT ME

361. LIKE THAT SISSY FORD.

362. YOU'LL NEVER

363. BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER GET ELECTED PRESIDENT.

364. THE VOTERS OF EARTH AREN'T BACK IN YOUR TIME.

365. OH, NO? WELL, LISTEN HERE, MISSY.

366. AS THEY WERE IN 1973

367. AS DRUNK AND STUPID AS EVER.

368. WHO'S CHANGED IS ME.

369. I'VE BECOME BITTER AND, LET'S FACE IT—

370. CRAZY OVER THE YEARS.

371. AND ONCE I'M SWEPT INTO OFFICE,

372. I'LL SELL OUR CHILDREN'S ORGANS

373. AND I'LL GO INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES AT NIGHT AND WRECK UP THE PLACE.

374. WELL, HE LOST MY VOTE.

375. EVER MADE A DIFFERENCE.

376. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

377. I'M GOING TO INCH MYSELF

378. AND CALL THE POLICE.

379. NOT SO FAST, NIXON!

380. WITH... AUDIO TAPE?

381. UH-OH, I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS HEADING.

382. And I'll go into people's houses at night

383. and wreck up the place.

384. MY GOD, I REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT?

385. MORE OF A CLARK GABLE QUALITY.

386. THE JIG'S UP, NIXON.

387. WE'LL TRADE YOU THE TAPE FOR THE BODY.

388. OH, EXPLETIVE DELETED.

389. YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.

390. HEY, I'VE GOT ONE LAST THOUGHT.

391. AH, IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK IN ONE PIECE AGAIN...

392. EXCEPT I CAN'T GET THESE DAMN BUMPER STICKERS OFF.

393. The sheer drama of this election

394. has driven voter turnout

395. to its highest level in centuries— six percent.

396. Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing

397. with an estimated zero votes.

398. YES! THE SYSTEM WORKS.

399. The time is 7:59

400. and the robot polls are now opening...

401. and the robot vote is in.

402. Nixon has won!

403. OH, NO! GET OUT OF TOWN! OOH...

404. NOW THAT HE'S JUST A HEAD IN A JAR?

405. OF EARTH!

406. NIXON'S BACK!

407. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. HE WON BY A SINGLE VOTE.

408. WELL, IT AIN'T MY FAULT.

409. I'M A NON-VOTING FELON, THANK YOU.

410. WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, EITHER, 'CAUSE I FORGOT TO VOTE.

411. OH, CRUD, I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING I MEANT TO DO TODAY.

412. Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president.

413. May death come quickly to his enemies.

414. WHO'S KICKING WHO AROUND NOW?

415. KNOCK, KNOCK.