1. Hmm.Copy !req
2. Horsie to Pointy Guy Six.Copy !req
3. Check.Copy !req
4. Hmm.Copy !req
5. Get 'im, boys!Copy !req
6. Good move.Copy !req
7. Good news, everyone.Copy !req
8. We have a mission...Copy !req
9. to further the noble cause
of intergalactic peace.Copy !req
10. Nope. Watching cartoons.Copy !req
11. Sorry.Copy !req
12. What's the mission?Copy !req
13. It's a delivery...Copy !req
14. for the Democratic Order of Planets.Copy !req
15. DOOP? What's that?Copy !req
16. It's similar to the United Nations
from your time, Fry.Copy !req
17. Uh...Copy !req
18. Or like the Federation...Copy !req
19. from your Star Trek program.Copy !req
20. Oh!Copy !req
21. Tonight is the ribbon cutting...Copy !req
22. for the DOOP's new headquarters.Copy !req
23. What are we delivering?Copy !req
24. Something without which...Copy !req
25. no ribbon-cutting ceremony
could proceed...Copy !req
26. the ceremonial
oversized scissors.Copy !req
27. We'll get them there
as quickly as we can.Copy !req
28. All right, but don't
run with them.Copy !req
29. Wow.Copy !req
30. There's a million aliens.Copy !req
31. I've never seen anything so mind-blowing.Copy !req
32. Ooh! A reception table
with muffins!Copy !req
33. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
34. welcome
to the ribbon-cutting ceremony...Copy !req
35. of the DOOP's magnificent
new headquarters...Copy !req
36. a fitting home
for an organization...Copy !req
37. that has fostered peace
throughout the universe...Copy !req
38. even between the insectoids
and the space lizards.Copy !req
39. Hmm?Copy !req
40. So, what's it like
on planet Amazonia?Copy !req
41. Big rats there.Copy !req
42. Me crush with club.Copy !req
43. That's so interesting.Copy !req
44. Maybe we could get to know
each other over a coffee.Copy !req
45. I can think
of no better place...Copy !req
46. for this center of diplomacy...Copy !req
47. than here in orbit
around the Neutral planet.Copy !req
48. What are your thoughts...Copy !req
49. on this momentous occasion,
Your Neutralness?Copy !req
50. I have no strong feelings
one way or the other.Copy !req
51. I hate these...Copy !req
52. filthy Neutrals, Kiff.Copy !req
53. With enemies, you know
where they stand...Copy !req
54. but with Neutrals,
who knows?Copy !req
55. It sickens me.Copy !req
56. Halt!Copy !req
57. Why, Leela...Copy !req
58. I do believe
we've... met.Copy !req
59. He means
you guys did it.Copy !req
60. If you don't mind,
we're here to deliver...Copy !req
61. the scissors
for the ribbon cutting.Copy !req
62. - Then you're under arrest.
- What for?Copy !req
63. How do I know
these scissors...Copy !req
64. aren't part of
some Neutral plot?Copy !req
65. But they're not even sharp.Copy !req
66. Who could I possibly
hurt with them?Copy !req
67. The Yarn People
of Nylar Four.Copy !req
68. So, a plan
to assassinate...Copy !req
69. a weird-looking
alien with scissors...Copy !req
70. How very Neutral of you.Copy !req
71. What?Copy !req
72. That was almost
the perfect crime...Copy !req
73. but you forgot one thing.Copy !req
74. Rock crushes scissors...Copy !req
75. but paper covers rock...Copy !req
76. and scissors cuts paper.Copy !req
77. Kiff, we have a conundrum.Copy !req
78. Search them for paper,
and bring me a rock.Copy !req
79. Why?Copy !req
80. So beautiful...Copy !req
81. yet so Neutral.Copy !req
82. Drag them to the ship.Copy !req
83. And now, to cut the ribbon...Copy !req
84. the legendary DOOP captain
who just returned...Copy !req
85. from a triumphant carpet bombing
of Eden Seven...Copy !req
86. Zapp Brannigan!Copy !req
87. What makes a man turn Neutral?Copy !req
88. Lust for gold?Copy !req
89. Power? Or were
you just born...Copy !req
90. with a heart full
of neutrality?Copy !req
91. Um, sir...Copy !req
92. you're supposed to be cutting
the ribbon right now.Copy !req
93. No matter.
I'll simply cut it from here...Copy !req
94. with the ship's laser.Copy !req
95. Sir, I don't think
that's wise.Copy !req
96. Kiff, if there's
one thing I don't need...Copy !req
97. it's your " I don't think
that's wise" attitude.Copy !req
98. Aaah!Copy !req
99. Whoopsie-daisy.Copy !req
100. Zapp Brannigan...Copy !req
101. you stand accused...Copy !req
102. of blowing up DOOP headquarters.Copy !req
103. How do you plead?Copy !req
104. Absolutely 99% not guilty.Copy !req
105. Then the prosecutor
will call his first witness.Copy !req
106. Your Honor...Copy !req
107. I'm just a simple hyper-chicken...Copy !req
108. from a backwoods asteroid,
but if it please the court...Copy !req
109. I reckon I'll call
the entire jury.Copy !req
110. I'm going to allow this.Copy !req
111. Members of the jury...Copy !req
112. did y'all happen
to catch a gander...Copy !req
113. at who blew up
that there DOOP headquarters?Copy !req
114. That's the guy
right there.Copy !req
115. - Right over there.
- Yes, indeed.Copy !req
116. And are y'all going to vote to convict him?Copy !req
117. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
118. The jury is instructed
to disregard its own testimony.Copy !req
119. Your Honor, the
prosecution rests.Copy !req
120. The evidence against
Zapp Brannigan is strong.Copy !req
121. However, in light
of his years of service...Copy !req
122. and the incompetence
of this hillbilly prosecutor...Copy !req
123. I'm afraid I must
dismiss all charges.Copy !req
124. Dismiss all charges?Copy !req
125. Your Honor,
I know the case is closed...Copy !req
126. and you've rendered your verdict...Copy !req
127. but I want to testify.Copy !req
128. I'm going to allow this.Copy !req
129. Now, Ms. Leela,
on the date in question...Copy !req
130. were you or were you not
wearing a hoopskirt?Copy !req
131. That's a stupid question.
What matters is...Copy !req
132. Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest
captain I've ever seen...Copy !req
133. and I saw the idiot
blow up DOOP headquarters...Copy !req
134. with my own eye.Copy !req
135. I'd like to cross-examine
the witness.Copy !req
136. I'm going to allow this.Copy !req
137. We've met before, have we not?Copy !req
138. Yes.Copy !req
139. And on that occasion,
did you have sex with someone?Copy !req
140. May I remind you,
you are still under oath.Copy !req
141. Yes.Copy !req
142. Please point out
the person in this courtroom...Copy !req
143. you had sex with.Copy !req
144. Whoo!Copy !req
145. And his name is?Copy !req
146. Zapp Brannigan.Copy !req
147. The very same Zapp Brannigan...Copy !req
148. who did not blow up
DOOP headquarters.Copy !req
149. I rest my case.Copy !req
150. Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...Copy !req
151. you may begin
your deliberations.Copy !req
152. Your Honor,
we have reached a verdict.Copy !req
153. We find the defendant... guilty.Copy !req
154. Whoo!Copy !req
155. Zapp Brannigan...Copy !req
156. you are hereby stripped
of your rank as captain...Copy !req
157. and dismissed
from the DOOP.Copy !req
158. I'd like to make
one final statement.Copy !req
159. Kiff, come here
and hold up the flag.Copy !req
160. And wave it a little,
for God's sakes.Copy !req
161. My friends, you can take away
a man's title and his uniform...Copy !req
162. but you can never take away
his integrity or his honor.Copy !req
163. Plus,
it was mostly Kiff's fault.Copy !req
164. What?Copy !req
165. Kiff Kroker, you are also
stripped of your rank...Copy !req
166. and dishonorably discharged.Copy !req
167. One day a man has everything...Copy !req
168. and the next day he blows up
a $400 billion space station...Copy !req
169. and the next day
he has nothing.Copy !req
170. It makes you think.Copy !req
171. - No, it doesn't.
- Come, Kiff.Copy !req
172. It's time to begin
our life as civilians.Copy !req
173. That's an order, soldier.Copy !req
174. Hey, Bender?Copy !req
175. Yeah?Copy !req
176. Whoa!Copy !req
177. All right...Copy !req
178. this is the third hose fight
I've broken up today...Copy !req
179. and the second one
using actual hoses.Copy !req
180. Now, move your
lazy asses...Copy !req
181. and start scrubbing the ship...Copy !req
182. like I ordered you to.Copy !req
183. You don't have to get
so mad, Leela.Copy !req
184. Yeah, Fry already wiped off...Copy !req
185. some of the dirt
with his finger.Copy !req
186. Zapp?Copy !req
187. Leela, I didn't know
where else to turn.Copy !req
188. You're the only woman
who ever loved me.Copy !req
189. I never loved you.Copy !req
190. I mean physically.Copy !req
191. What do you want?Copy !req
192. Just let me work
for a little food.Copy !req
193. Perhaps I could paint a fence...Copy !req
194. or service you sexually
or mop the floors.Copy !req
195. You don't know how to do
any of those things.Copy !req
196. Kiff might.Copy !req
197. Leela, who are you talking to?Copy !req
198. Just a broken-down hobo
who's hit rock bottom...Copy !req
199. and his commanding officer.Copy !req
200. Why, you're that
disgraced starship captain.Copy !req
201. Having him on staff
would distract people...Copy !req
202. from our horrendous
safety record.Copy !req
203. Come in!Copy !req
204. I'd like everyone to meet
our new employees.Copy !req
205. Uh, which ones are new?Copy !req
206. The green dude
and the fat man.Copy !req
207. Hmm, I could swear
I've never seen...Copy !req
208. that robot before either.Copy !req
209. I'm Bender.Copy !req
210. You know, the lovable rascal.Copy !req
211. Oh, yes, yes,
my good friend, of course.Copy !req
212. Anyway...Copy !req
213. whoever you all are...Copy !req
214. I have good news.Copy !req
215. You'll be making a delivery
to Stumbos Four...Copy !req
216. a planet with such high gravity,
you'll most likely be crushed...Copy !req
217. under the weight
of your own hair.Copy !req
218. Enjoy!Copy !req
219. So, this Leela...Copy !req
220. I know she's
a very sensuous woman...Copy !req
221. but what manner of captain
is she?Copy !req
222. She's really strict.Copy !req
223. And mean.Copy !req
224. I see.Copy !req
225. Does she, by any chance,
give the crew members spankings?Copy !req
226. No, she just makes us
do work and stuff.Copy !req
227. Good, good.Copy !req
228. But should she ever institute...Copy !req
229. some sort of bare-bottom
spanking policy...Copy !req
230. let me go in your place.Copy !req
231. I won't have my comrades harmed.Copy !req
232. Hey, this guy's all right.Copy !req
233. Here's to us
poor schmoes...Copy !req
234. working for the man.Copy !req
235. Even if he is
a hot, sexy, female man.Copy !req
236. Mm.Copy !req
237. I've computed our landing
coordinates, Captain.Copy !req
238. Thanks, Kiff.Copy !req
239. Very nice work.Copy !req
240. Wait. What?Copy !req
241. I said, "Very nice work."Copy !req
242. This is the happiest
day of my life.Copy !req
243. Mmm!Copy !req
244. Okay, crew, listen up.Copy !req
245. Your job is to deliver
these 40 pillows to that hotel.Copy !req
246. They're not very heavy...Copy !req
247. but you don't hear me
not complaining.Copy !req
248. They're not heavy in here...Copy !req
249. because we have
an anti-grav pump...Copy !req
250. but once you get out
on the surface...Copy !req
251. the gravity will be
very intense.Copy !req
252. Hey, no prob.Copy !req
253. This lead apron
will protect me.Copy !req
254. I don't want any screwups.Copy !req
255. Use the hover dolly...Copy !req
256. and just deliver
one pillow at a time.Copy !req
257. Hey, here's an idea.Copy !req
258. Let's deliver all
the pillows at once.Copy !req
259. - Yeah.
- That's using the old noodle.Copy !req
260. Come on, girdle.Copy !req
261. Hold.Copy !req
262. Uh-oh.Copy !req
263. What the hell happened?Copy !req
264. Some breaking occurred.Copy !req
265. The dolly was involved.
That's about all we know.Copy !req
266. I told you dumb apes
not to overload it.Copy !req
267. Each of those pillows
weighs 150 pounds here.Copy !req
268. All right, don't get your
panties in a knot.Copy !req
269. We'll just use
the backup dolly.Copy !req
270. I'll start loading
up the pillows.Copy !req
271. No way, Jack.Copy !req
272. You disobeyed an order...Copy !req
273. so now you have to deliver
all 40 pillows by hand.Copy !req
274. Let me ask you a serious
question, Leela.Copy !req
275. Does the company
that made your bra...Copy !req
276. make a girdle as well?Copy !req
277. I ask because
a friend of mine...Copy !req
278. Just get to work.Copy !req
279. "I'm Leela. Get to work. Na, na, na."Copy !req
280. I agree.Copy !req
281. The point is...Copy !req
282. it's just so humiliating...Copy !req
283. working for that man.Copy !req
284. Once, he actually ordered me
to shave his armpits...Copy !req
285. while he was in the bathtub.Copy !req
286. So I said to him...Copy !req
287. You know, why don't we talk...Copy !req
288. about something
besides Zapp for a while?Copy !req
289. Oh, all right.Copy !req
290. Um...Copy !req
291. Well, how about
them, um... okay.Copy !req
292. Well, there he was
in the tub, all right?Copy !req
293. Ah, some good,
old high-gravity rain.Copy !req
294. That'll cool us off.Copy !req
295. Ow.Copy !req
296. Ow, ow!Copy !req
297. This is all Leela's fault.Copy !req
298. Yeah.Copy !req
299. If she had let us use
the backup dolly...Copy !req
300. we could have broken it...Copy !req
301. given up,
and gone home by now.Copy !req
302. You know, boys...Copy !req
303. a good captain needs
many skills...Copy !req
304. such as boldness, daring
and a velour uniform...Copy !req
305. and I'm not convinced Leela
has any of those things.Copy !req
306. Ah, Leela's not that bad.Copy !req
307. I just wish she didn't
make us work so much.Copy !req
308. Back when I was captain...Copy !req
309. all I asked from my men was
their complete loyalty.Copy !req
310. If I had that,
then for all I cared...Copy !req
311. they could sit around
the whole day drinking beer...Copy !req
312. in their underpants.Copy !req
313. Beer?Copy !req
314. Underpants?Copy !req
315. - Ah.
- Ah.Copy !req
316. But now, Zapp's not
captain anymore.Copy !req
317. I'm free!Copy !req
318. Oh, you hear that?Copy !req
319. I'm actually laughing.Copy !req
320. This is a mutiny!Copy !req
321. You're out of here, lady.Copy !req
322. Zapp's the new captain.Copy !req
323. All hail the new captain.Copy !req
324. Leela, you may be
a formidable...Copy !req
325. doer of the nasty...Copy !req
326. but I am forced
to relieve you of your post.Copy !req
327. On what grounds,
you slobbering oaf?Copy !req
328. Failure to prevent a mutiny.Copy !req
329. Throw her in the brig.Copy !req
330. We don't have a brig.Copy !req
331. Then throw her
in the laundry room...Copy !req
332. which will hereafter
be referred to as the brig.Copy !req
333. You really don't want me
to be captain anymore?Copy !req
334. You got it, genius.Copy !req
335. But didn't I do a good job?Copy !req
336. You were mean,
and you yelled...Copy !req
337. and you made us do
all that work.Copy !req
338. Sometimes, a captain needs
to do those things.Copy !req
339. Besides, I thought
we were friends.Copy !req
340. Yeah, well...Copy !req
341. you shouldn't have been
such a mean captain, then.Copy !req
342. Don't worry, Leela.Copy !req
343. Soon, we'll be able to
look back on this and laugh.Copy !req
344. Back in my old uniform.Copy !req
345. And it nearly still fits...Copy !req
346. even after all that
fattening hobo cuisine.Copy !req
347. What shall I do with
your civilian clothes, sir?Copy !req
348. Take them to
the laundry brig.Copy !req
349. So, do I have
your loyalty, men?Copy !req
350. To the ends
of the universe.Copy !req
351. Ten hundred percent.Copy !req
352. That's not nearly loyal enough.Copy !req
353. I order you to sit around
and drink beer...Copy !req
354. until you're as loyal
as Kiff here.Copy !req
355. Yes, sir, sir.Copy !req
356. Um, may I have
a beer, sir?Copy !req
357. No, you're loyal
enough already.Copy !req
358. Meanwhile, I have a plan.Copy !req
359. We will single-handedly attack...Copy !req
360. our archenemy,
the Neutral planet.Copy !req
361. Oh, geez.Copy !req
362. Once the Neutral
war machine lies in ruins...Copy !req
363. I'll be a hero again...Copy !req
364. and the DOOP will
reinstate me as captain.Copy !req
365. But, sir, that plan
makes no sense.Copy !req
366. Maybe not to you, Kiff.Copy !req
367. But if I recall correctly...Copy !req
368. you were court-martialed
in disgrace.Copy !req
369. Ooh, burn!Copy !req
370. Nailed you, buddy.Copy !req
371. Prepare to continue...Copy !req
372. the epic struggle
between good and neutral.Copy !req
373. This is awesome.Copy !req
374. We're going to be, like,
"Pow, pow, pow!"Copy !req
375. And they're going to be like...Copy !req
376. And then, we'll have pancakes
to celebrate...Copy !req
377. and I'll be, like...Copy !req
378. Precisely.Copy !req
379. Now, in the name of all
that is good and honorable...Copy !req
380. we'll call the Neutral president...Copy !req
381. with a message of peace,
then blast him.Copy !req
382. Yes, sir, sirdy,
sir, sir, sir!Copy !req
383. Fly the white flag of war.Copy !req
384. This is Zapp Brannigan...Copy !req
385. of the good ship...
Planet Express ship.Copy !req
386. I come swinging
the olive branch of peace.Copy !req
387. Should we trust him,
Your Neutralness?Copy !req
388. All I know is,
my gut says, "Maybe."Copy !req
389. What now, chief?Copy !req
390. Now, we crash the ship
into their headquarters...Copy !req
391. killing them
in a hellish firestorm...Copy !req
392. from which no living thing
can escape.Copy !req
393. Good, good. Then what?Copy !req
394. Then your mission
is complete.Copy !req
395. I, meanwhile,
will have ejected to safety...Copy !req
396. wearing the only space suit
on board.Copy !req
397. Wait a second.
Is this plan going to kill us?Copy !req
398. Of course.Copy !req
399. What do you think
I meant by loyalty?Copy !req
400. Now, help me into
the only space suit.Copy !req
401. It looks a bit sweaty
in there...Copy !req
402. so you may need
to apply baby powder.Copy !req
403. Leela, we want you
to be captain again.Copy !req
404. Let me guess:Copy !req
405. He canceled nap time?Copy !req
406. He ran out of beer?Copy !req
407. So he's about to kill us.Copy !req
408. We want Leela
to be captain again.Copy !req
409. So, it's mutiny, is it?Copy !req
410. I never thought I'd see the day.Copy !req
411. Come, Kiff, let's eject.Copy !req
412. I found a children's space suit
you can wear.Copy !req
413. Well, to be honest, sir...Copy !req
414. I'd rather stay here
with Captain Leela.Copy !req
415. She actually listens
to what I have to...Copy !req
416. Oh, no!Copy !req
417. He's disabled the steering!Copy !req
418. We're gonna crash!Copy !req
419. Leela, save me!Copy !req
420. And yourself, I guess.Copy !req
421. And my banjo!Copy !req
422. And Fry!Copy !req
423. Okay, okay.Copy !req
424. We have one chance.Copy !req
425. Are you willing to do
what I say as captain?Copy !req
426. Absolutely.Copy !req
427. Even if I make you work hard?Copy !req
428. As your god is my witness.Copy !req
429. Then go get the hover dolly
you didn't break...Copy !req
430. and load all the dark matter
into the left engine.Copy !req
431. Oh, man,
that crap's heavy!Copy !req
432. - And warm.
- Just do it!Copy !req
433. - Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.Copy !req
434. If I don't survive...Copy !req
435. tell my wife, "Hello."Copy !req
436. Hurry!Copy !req
437. I don't want to die
at the age of 25!Copy !req
438. Honey, unless we
hit a time warp...Copy !req
439. I wouldn't
worry about it.Copy !req
440. It's too low!Copy !req
441. Quick!Copy !req
442. You did it!Copy !req
443. You actually did it!Copy !req
444. And no one will have to punish
anyone for the mutiny!Copy !req
445. And so,
when Captain Leela panicked...Copy !req
446. perhaps distracted
by female troubles...Copy !req
447. my quick thinking allowed me
to do whatever I did...Copy !req
448. to save the day.Copy !req
449. Captain Leela...Copy !req
450. is this rambling story
of magic and heroism true?Copy !req
451. - Well, actually...
- That-a-girl!Copy !req
452. If they don't take him back,
we can keep him as captain.Copy !req
453. Your Honor, it's all true...Copy !req
454. my female incompetence,
Zapp's catlike reflexes...Copy !req
455. the stuff that made no sense...
all of it.Copy !req
456. In that case,
Zapp Brannigan...Copy !req
457. I hereby restore your rank
and parking privileges.Copy !req
458. Oh, foo!Copy !req
459. Come, Kiff...Copy !req
460. we've got work to do.Copy !req
461. I'll call and tell you about it.Copy !req
462. Leela...Copy !req
463. I just want you to know
that even though you're mean...Copy !req
464. you're the best
captain ever.Copy !req
465. Yeah, you're one
dynamite lady.Copy !req
466. Can we have the week off?Copy !req
467. No!Copy !req
468. Please?Copy !req
469. Come on, Captain.Copy !req
470. Oh, all right.Copy !req
471. No time off!Copy !req
472. Oh, man.Copy !req
473. Let's mutiny.Copy !req