1. Hmm, Spider... Hubble...Copy !req
2. Nitro... Uh-uh.Copy !req
3. Ooh! Big Pink!Copy !req
4. It's the only gum...Copy !req
5. with the breath-freshening
power of ham.Copy !req
6. And it pinkens your teeth
while you chew.Copy !req
7. All right, Sergeant, $100 worth
of Pixy Stix and porno mags...Copy !req
8. with your five percent
military discount...Copy !req
9. comes to $95.Copy !req
10. That'll be 40 cents.Copy !req
11. I believe you're forgetting...Copy !req
12. about our five percent
military discount.Copy !req
13. Well, that's only for people
in the military.Copy !req
14. - What?
- Huh?Copy !req
15. This is the worst kind
of discrimination...Copy !req
16. the kind against me.Copy !req
17. All right, look, our policy is...Copy !req
18. if for any reason
you're not completely satisfied...Copy !req
19. I hate you.Copy !req
20. - Hey, fellas...
- Whoa!Copy !req
21. Okay, now I'm mad.Copy !req
22. Full price for gum?Copy !req
23. That dog won't hunt, monsignor.Copy !req
24. Hello.Copy !req
25. We're here because we, uh...Copy !req
26. love our planet.Copy !req
27. Sign here on the dotted line,
patriots...Copy !req
28. and I'll give you your discount cards.Copy !req
29. Just out of curiosity...Copy !req
30. we can use the cards to buy gum
then immediately quit the army, right?Copy !req
31. You know, playing you all for chumps?Copy !req
32. Correct.
There's no obligation.Copy !req
33. Unless of course...
war were declared.Copy !req
34. - What's that?Copy !req
35. War were declared.Copy !req
36. Now, be careful, Fry...Copy !req
37. and if you kill anyone,
make sure to eat their heart...Copy !req
38. to gain their courage...Copy !req
39. their rich, tasty courage.Copy !req
40. I don't want you to worry
about your jobs...Copy !req
41. while you're away.Copy !req
42. That's why I'm firing you now.Copy !req
43. I want to enlist.Copy !req
44. My friends always die
if I'm not there to save them.Copy !req
45. Sorry, but the army's instituted
a men-only policy.Copy !req
46. What?Copy !req
47. It's shameful, I agree.Copy !req
48. In the olden days, I proudly fought
alongside female troops...Copy !req
49. shoulder to, uh... shoulder.Copy !req
50. Alas, after a series
of deadly blunders...Copy !req
51. caused by distracting
low-cut fatigues...Copy !req
52. and lots of harmless pinching...Copy !req
53. the army decided women
weren't fit for service.Copy !req
54. Not when I'm in charge.Copy !req
55. You know, Zapp,
someone ought to teach you a lesson.Copy !req
56. If it's a lesson in love, watch out.Copy !req
57. I suffer from
a very sexy learning disability.Copy !req
58. What do I call it, Kiff?Copy !req
59. Sex-lexia.Copy !req
60. Men, you're lucky men.Copy !req
61. Soon you'll all be fighting
for your planet.Copy !req
62. Many of you will be dying
for your planet.Copy !req
63. A few of you will be
forced through a fine-meshed screen...Copy !req
64. for your planet.Copy !req
65. They will be the luckiest of all.Copy !req
66. Great.
We're gonna die.Copy !req
67. And this ham gum is all bones.Copy !req
68. Now to present the logistics
of our mission...Copy !req
69. the commander in chief.Copy !req
70. Please welcome the original
Gerber baby...Copy !req
71. Earth President
Richard M. Nixon.Copy !req
72. This is the brass ring, fellas.Copy !req
73. Planet Spheron One.Copy !req
74. Cool effect!Copy !req
75. It's a desolate, ugly, little planet...Copy !req
76. with absolutely no natural resources
or strategic value.Copy !req
77. Questions?Copy !req
78. Why is this godforsaken planet
worth dying for?Copy !req
79. Don't ask me.
You're the one who's going to be dying.Copy !req
80. Uh, just so we'll know,
who's the enemy?Copy !req
81. A valid question.Copy !req
82. We know nothing
about their language...Copy !req
83. their history,
or what they look like...Copy !req
84. but we can assume this:Copy !req
85. They stand for everything
we don't stand for.Copy !req
86. Also, they told me you guys
look like dorks.Copy !req
87. They look like dorks!Copy !req
88. Oh, I'm gonna...Copy !req
89. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
90. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
91. What's the matter, private?
Tent got your tongue?Copy !req
92. Tent got your...Copy !req
93. Kiff, write that down
and send it to "Humor in Uniform."Copy !req
94. Aw... Oh!Copy !req
95. Hmm.Copy !req
96. Whoa!
Check out that guy.Copy !req
97. He makes Speedy Gonzales
look like Regular Gonzales.Copy !req
98. That new recruit
is phenomenal, sir.Copy !req
99. Yes. He edged out my old mark
by two seconds.Copy !req
100. And 16 minutes.Copy !req
101. And 12 hours.Copy !req
102. I do plan to finish someday, Kiff.Copy !req
103. Good hustle, soldier.Copy !req
104. Oh!Copy !req
105. Uh, sorry, sir.Copy !req
106. I was still in attack mode.Copy !req
107. You know how testosterone is.Copy !req
108. As a bubbling Crock-Pot
of male hormones, I sure do.Copy !req
109. What's your name, private?Copy !req
110. Lee... la... man.Copy !req
111. La-man.Copy !req
112. Lemon!Copy !req
113. Lee Lemon, sir.Copy !req
114. Lemon, you're a man's man.Copy !req
115. You're a man's man's man.Copy !req
116. And more importantly...Copy !req
117. your hand,
while firm and masculine...Copy !req
118. is soft as a velvet child.Copy !req
119. What lotion do you use?Copy !req
120. Pert 'n' Popular, sir.Copy !req
121. Roger that.Copy !req
122. Kiff, get me ten cases
of Pert 'n' Popular.Copy !req
123. What shall I do with yourJergens, sir?Copy !req
124. Squirt it on some homeless man
with dry elbows.Copy !req
125. Private Lee Lemon may well be
the finest recruit I've seen...Copy !req
126. in all my years of service.Copy !req
127. That young man fills me with hope...Copy !req
128. and some other emotions
that are weird and...Copy !req
129. deeply confusing me.Copy !req
130. Ew.Copy !req
131. [Zapp, Lasciviously]
Hello.Copy !req
132. Mmm.Copy !req
133. Now that's a nice rosé.Copy !req
134. So, anyway,
we open up the panda crate...Copy !req
135. and wouldn't you know it,
the damn thing's dead.Copy !req
136. Upchucked its bamboo.Copy !req
137. True story.Copy !req
138. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.Copy !req
139. That's whatever-
you-were-talking-about for you.Copy !req
140. - Mind if we sit with you?
- Uh, hey.Copy !req
141. Why the hell would I?
We're all guys here.Copy !req
142. Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.Copy !req
143. Good point. I guess.Copy !req
144. You're my kind of soldier,
Lemon...Copy !req
145. A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested,
beer-belly pile of ugly muscle.Copy !req
146. So, any of you fellas got
a special lady back home?Copy !req
147. Well, I sort have a thing
for this girl I work with.Copy !req
148. Really?Copy !req
149. What type is she?Copy !req
150. You know, blonde, or Chinese,
or Cyclops?Copy !req
151. Cyclops.Copy !req
152. Aw.Copy !req
153. She sounds sweet.Copy !req
154. But sweet girls aren't for you, eh?Copy !req
155. You hard-fightin', hard-fartin',
ugly, ugly son of a...Copy !req
156. Stop! Stop flattering me.Copy !req
157. Ten-hut!Copy !req
158. Well, well, well,
if it isn't Lee Lemon...Copy !req
159. the flaming star
of Brannigan's Rough Rangers.Copy !req
160. Say, uh, Lemon, do you like to read?Copy !req
161. I just got a great book on tape.Copy !req
162. It's about life in ancient Greece and...Copy !req
163. Sir, the alarm.Copy !req
164. - I think I better...
- Shh!Copy !req
165. Don't talk. Just go.Copy !req
166. We are now in position
above Spheron One.Copy !req
167. This is the moment
we were training for...Copy !req
168. all yesterday afternoon.Copy !req
169. And now for the battle plan.Copy !req
170. As you all know...Copy !req
171. the key to victory
is the element of surprise.Copy !req
172. Surprise!Copy !req
173. It's creepy here.Copy !req
174. This is the worst part...Copy !req
175. the calm before the battle.Copy !req
176. And then the battle's not so bad?Copy !req
177. Oh, right.
I forgot about the battle.Copy !req
178. What's happening?Copy !req
179. Holy shoot!Copy !req
180. Looky!Copy !req
181. The enemy, they're balls!Copy !req
182. Ow!Copy !req
183. Charge your gun, Fry!Copy !req
184. Oh, right.Copy !req
185. - Watch where you're shooting, private.Copy !req
186. You spooked Felicity.Copy !req
187. There, there, boy.Copy !req
188. Yah! Whaa!Copy !req
189. Hee! Ha!Copy !req
190. Ye-ow!Copy !req
191. Give this to my son.Copy !req
192. You got it.Copy !req
193. Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives.Copy !req
194. Hey, I think your son
might also like those boots.Copy !req
195. Cover us, buddy!Copy !req
196. You got the only wounded up
positron shooter.Copy !req
197. Fry, you emu-bellied coward!Copy !req
198. Aah!Copy !req
199. Oh!Copy !req
200. Bender, no!Copy !req
201. If they put me on a stamp...Copy !req
202. tell them to use the young Bender.Copy !req
203. Incoming wounded.Copy !req
204. All personnel report
to operating tent four.Copy !req
205. Four.Copy !req
206. L-I mean, five.Copy !req
207. Four.Copy !req
208. Are you ready to operate, Doctor?Copy !req
209. I'd love to,
but first I have to perform surgery.Copy !req
210. I kid, I kid.Copy !req
211. Scalpel.Copy !req
212. Blood bucket.Copy !req
213. Priest.Copy !req
214. Next patient!Copy !req
215. Geez, Zoidberg,
leave some for the enemy to kill.Copy !req
216. Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone.Copy !req
217. He has twice the training you do.Copy !req
218. Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.Copy !req
219. Oh, see?
This is how it starts...Copy !req
220. first with the jokes...Copy !req
221. then comes the heavy stuff.Copy !req
222. When will the killing end?Copy !req
223. Look at this sissy, Kiff.Copy !req
224. While others were fighting
and dying pointlessly...Copy !req
225. he was hiding in a hole...Copy !req
226. wallowing in a pool
of his own cowardice.Copy !req
227. That wasn't cowardice.Copy !req
228. I'm de-promoting you, soldier.Copy !req
229. Kiff, what's the most
humiliating job there is?Copy !req
230. Being your assistant.Copy !req
231. Wrong.Copy !req
232. Being your assistant.Copy !req
233. Private Fry,
you shall henceforth serve...Copy !req
234. as Kiff's assistant.Copy !req
235. That doesn't sound too bad.Copy !req
236. You'll speak when I tell you to,
you filthy worm!Copy !req
237. I'm afraid he's gone.Copy !req
238. Whoa, Doc, I ain't dead.Copy !req
239. Excuse me.
I believe I'm the doctor.Copy !req
240. Believe it all you want.
That won't make it true.Copy !req
241. This isn't a war. It's a murder.Copy !req
242. This isn't a war. It's a murder.Copy !req
243. Bender, old buddy, hang in there.Copy !req
244. Here lies the bravest soldier
I've seen...Copy !req
245. since my mirror got grease on it.Copy !req
246. I hereby order
that in Bender's honor...Copy !req
247. he be melted down
and made into a statue of himself.Copy !req
248. Slow down there, Starsky.Copy !req
249. I'm up to something here.Copy !req
250. I want this robot fixed...Copy !req
251. fixed like Kennedy fixed
the 1960 election.Copy !req
252. Damn bean-eating war hero.Copy !req
253. Are you ready to operate, Doctor?Copy !req
254. I'd love to,
but first I have to perform surgery.Copy !req
255. That's my joke.Copy !req
256. I'll kill you!Copy !req
257. - Oh!Copy !req
258. Ah... prewar scotch.Copy !req
259. Welcome, Lieutenant Bender.Copy !req
260. You're looking sharp.Copy !req
261. I got wheels with clickety clackers.Copy !req
262. Damn it, Kiff,
where's the little umbrella?Copy !req
263. That's what makes it
a scotch on the rocks.Copy !req
264. Actually, sir... ooh!Copy !req
265. Make me a new one.Copy !req
266. Use a brush, you dunderhead...Copy !req
267. and mix these mixed nuts.Copy !req
268. I see two almonds touching.Copy !req
269. Now listen here, Bender.Copy !req
270. This war is in danger
of going all quagmire on me.Copy !req
271. So, I'm sending you
on one last mission.Copy !req
272. Hot diggity daffodil!Copy !req
273. - A mission of peace.Copy !req
274. You'll be negotiating...Copy !req
275. with the aliens' mysterious leaders...Copy !req
276. the Brain Balls.Copy !req
277. They've got a lot of brains
and they've got a lot of chutzpah.Copy !req
278. Accompanying you will be
our top peace negotiator...Copy !req
279. Henry Kissinger.Copy !req
280. How are you?Copy !req
281. Is he any good?Copy !req
282. Looking like that...Copy !req
283. he talked his way
intoJill St. John's bed.Copy !req
284. 'Nuff said.Copy !req
285. A little lower.Copy !req
286. Lower.Copy !req
287. Lower.Copy !req
288. A lot lower.Copy !req
289. Too low!Copy !req
290. Lower.Copy !req
291. Private Lemon...Copy !req
292. no need to leave.Copy !req
293. My stall just became free.Copy !req
294. Maybe you should
put on a towel, sir.Copy !req
295. Right, right.Copy !req
296. I'm about to try the new lotion
you recommended.Copy !req
297. If I should accidentally
put too much on my hands...Copy !req
298. perhaps I could rub it onto you.Copy !req
299. - Brannigan!
- Hmm?Copy !req
300. My God, cover yourself.Copy !req
301. I didn't live a thousand years...Copy !req
302. and travel a quadrillion miles...Copy !req
303. to look at another man's gizmo.Copy !req
304. Sorry, Mr. President.Copy !req
305. I didn't realize.Copy !req
306. Kiff, raise him up about nipple high.Copy !req
307. Come on, Brannigan,
stuff yourself into a uniform.Copy !req
308. We've got to get off this planet...Copy !req
309. before the bomb goes off.Copy !req
310. Bomb?Copy !req
311. What bomb?Copy !req
312. The one we had the doctors implant
in that gullible Bender robot.Copy !req
313. Mmm...Copy !req
314. - Zapp. Zapp!
- Hmm?Copy !req
315. Inspect the troops later.Copy !req
316. It's time to activate the bomb.Copy !req
317. Now as for economic cooperation...Copy !req
318. Oh. Excuse me.Copy !req
319. Attention...Copy !req
320. all personnel evacuate the planet
immediately.Copy !req
321. And not just because
it's meat loaf night.Copy !req
322. Come along, Lemon,
before this whole dump blows up.Copy !req
323. Uh, Commander...Copy !req
324. could you tell me
when the bomb is exploding?Copy !req
325. Of course,
my significant soldier.Copy !req
326. The bomb is voice activated.Copy !req
327. It will detonate the instant...Copy !req
328. the robot unwittingly
speaks a certain word.Copy !req
329. What's the word...
uh, sir?Copy !req
330. It's the one word the robot uses
more than any other.Copy !req
331. We got it from this
convenient database...Copy !req
332. of his ten most
frequently used words.Copy !req
333. Number five: "Bite."Copy !req
334. - Number four: "My."Copy !req
335. And Bender's number one
most frequently uttered word...Copy !req
336. the word which, if uttered,
will blow up this entire planet...Copy !req
337. - We don't have long.Copy !req
338. We demand bouncing,
followed by rolling...Copy !req
339. followed by rolling
of the third type.Copy !req
340. Say what?Copy !req
341. My chair's too hard.Copy !req
342. It's a real pain in the...Copy !req
343. Uh, what do you call it?Copy !req
344. Lower back.Copy !req
345. Yeah, that whole region.Copy !req
346. Okay. I got to break down that gate...Copy !req
347. beat up those three guards,
steal that chopper...Copy !req
348. and rescue Bender.Copy !req
349. Hey, I did it.Copy !req
350. Wait, that's not me.Copy !req
351. Come on,
we got to save Bender.Copy !req
352. You want to save him,
too, Lemon?Copy !req
353. You barely know him.Copy !req
354. Fry, don't you recognize me?Copy !req
355. Hermes?Copy !req
356. Lee... when will I see you again?Copy !req
357. The two of you are... good friends?Copy !req
358. But I thought we would be...
good friends.Copy !req
359. Well, let's see how friendly you get...Copy !req
360. when you're sharing a prison cell.Copy !req
361. - Hey, Zapp.
- Huh?Copy !req
362. - Leela!
- Leela.Copy !req
363. So it's you I've been attracted to.Copy !req
364. Oh, God, I've never been so happy
to be beaten up by a woman.Copy !req
365. Let's do it again sometime.Copy !req
366. The elders tell of a young ball
much like you.Copy !req
367. He bounced three meters in the air.Copy !req
368. Then, he bounced 1.8 meters in the air.Copy !req
369. Then, he bounced four meters
in the air.Copy !req
370. Do I make myself clear?Copy !req
371. Mr. Ambassador,
our people tell the same story.Copy !req
372. Oy.Copy !req
373. These balls are making me testy!Copy !req
374. If they don't stop bouncing
and jiggling...Copy !req
375. I swear I'm going to shove
this treaty up their...Copy !req
376. Wait a second.Copy !req
377. Where do you shove things up a ball?Copy !req
378. This isn't a productive area
of discussion.Copy !req
379. We're here.Copy !req
380. I followed the bouncing balls.Copy !req
381. I'll keep the chopper
at a safe altitude...Copy !req
382. while you parachute down.Copy !req
383. Okay.Copy !req
384. My best friend's life is at stake.Copy !req
385. I can finally prove
that I'm not a coward.Copy !req
386. Will you push me?Copy !req
387. I already did.Copy !req
388. Thank you!Copy !req
389. At last...
war has made me into a man.Copy !req
390. Whee!Copy !req
391. Please, gentlemen...Copy !req
392. we must put an end
to the bloodshed.Copy !req
393. We have all seen too many body bags
and ball sacks.Copy !req
394. We cannot condone
bouncing of the seventh variety.Copy !req
395. Enough of this crap!Copy !req
396. I'm catching the next pimpmobile
out of here...Copy !req
397. but before I go,
I have one thing to say.Copy !req
398. Bite my shiny... metal...Copy !req
399. Stop!Copy !req
400. You can't say the next word.Copy !req
401. Up yours, chump.Copy !req
402. I said it 906 times before lunch.Copy !req
403. Bender, if you say the "A" word...Copy !req
404. you'll blow this whole planet
straight to the "H" word.Copy !req
405. Young man...Copy !req
406. you have the bravery of a hero...Copy !req
407. and breath as fresh
as a summer ham.Copy !req
408. What? What is funny?Copy !req
409. Bender's got the upper hand now.Copy !req
410. The name of the game
is make Bender happy...Copy !req
411. or he blows up the planet!Copy !req
412. I'd rather die
and take everybody with me...Copy !req
413. than sit here one more minute...Copy !req
414. and listen to these idiots
talk about bouncing.Copy !req
415. Please, stay calm.Copy !req
416. There's no need
to bounce off the handle.Copy !req
417. That's it, I'm saying it!Copy !req
418. - "A" is for a...
- Wait!Copy !req
419. Stop.Copy !req
420. We give in to all of Earth's demands.Copy !req
421. The war is over.Copy !req
422. Our home planet is yours.Copy !req
423. - All right!Copy !req
424. Hey, wait a minute.Copy !req
425. This is your home planet?Copy !req
426. We're the evil invading aliens?Copy !req
427. Correct.Copy !req
428. Then I guess you learned
a valuable lesson.Copy !req
429. Don't mess with Earth.Copy !req
430. May you bounce in peace.Copy !req
431. Get the hell off my planet.Copy !req
432. Well, that's it.Copy !req
433. Let's reactivate him.Copy !req
434. Wake up!Copy !req
435. Hey, chumps and chumpettes.Copy !req
436. Did you get the bomb out?Copy !req
437. Can I go back
to saying the word I love to say?Copy !req
438. I'm sorry,
but we couldn't remove it.Copy !req
439. It's stuck in there
with glue or something.Copy !req
440. I don't know.Copy !req
441. Well, this is just great.Copy !req
442. What's the point of living
if I can't say ass?Copy !req
443. Hey, I didn't blow up!Copy !req
444. Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!Copy !req
445. All right!Copy !req
446. I'm back in the saddle.Copy !req
447. We couldn't disarm the bomb...Copy !req
448. so we reset the word
that triggers it.Copy !req
449. It's from the list of words
you almost never say.Copy !req
450. That's using your ass.Copy !req
451. So what's the word?Copy !req
452. We think it's better
if you don't know.Copy !req
453. Oh, come on.Copy !req
454. I'm not going to say it.Copy !req
455. Please?Copy !req
456. - Ooh, is it "please"?
- Nope.Copy !req
457. Hmm. Words I never say.Copy !req
458. Oh. I know. "Thanks."Copy !req
459. Bender, stop trying
to destroy the world.Copy !req
460. Wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
461. Is it "sorry"?Copy !req
462. No.Copy !req
463. "Funderful"?Copy !req
464. "Non-alcoholic"?Copy !req
465. - Stop it, mon.
- Enough already.Copy !req
466. Mmm..."compassion"?
"Shrimp toast"?Copy !req
467. "A ntiquing"?Copy !req
468. - I'm all right.Copy !req