1. Good news, everyone.Copy !req
2. I've invented a device
which allows you...Copy !req
3. to operate equipment
from great distances.Copy !req
4. I call it "The Thing Longer."Copy !req
5. Observe.Copy !req
6. And... here we go...Copy !req
7. There!Copy !req
8. Pretty long, eh?Copy !req
9. Yeah, it's really long...Copy !req
10. but what did you just
turn on with it?Copy !req
11. Oh, that's just
the what-if machine I invented.Copy !req
12. You pose it a "what if" question...Copy !req
13. and it generates a video
simulation of what would happen.Copy !req
14. - Does it really work?
- Of course it works.Copy !req
15. It's just not very long.Copy !req
16. Ooh, ooh, I want
to axe it a question.Copy !req
17. As a robot living
among humans...Copy !req
18. I've never really felt
accepted at parties...Copy !req
19. or nude beaches.Copy !req
20. So, I've always
secretly wondered...Copy !req
21. what if I was 500 feet tall?Copy !req
22. Let's watch, shall we?Copy !req
23. My work here is done.Copy !req
24. Aw, I'm so lonely
since I came to the future.Copy !req
25. Will you be my friend?Copy !req
26. - Ow!Copy !req
27. Aw!Copy !req
28. Who are you?Copy !req
29. I'm a big robot
and I want a big cereal.Copy !req
30. You, too?
Will you be my friend?Copy !req
31. Put her there, pal.Copy !req
32. I meant your wallet.Copy !req
33. - Three, two, one, zero.Copy !req
34. Ah, yeah,
that calms the shakes.Copy !req
35. Hey!Copy !req
36. Okay, okay, come on now.Copy !req
37. Stop! The robot's not your enemy.Copy !req
38. He's just a poor, misunderstood...Copy !req
39. Aw!Copy !req
40. Well, there goes
the neighborhood.Copy !req
41. There goes another neighborhood.Copy !req
42. We're jerked.Copy !req
43. Nothing can stop
a monster that big.Copy !req
44. Nothing except an even
equally big monster.Copy !req
45. This is a chance to try out
my experimental enlarging ray...Copy !req
46. but we'll need a guinea pig.Copy !req
47. What's this?Copy !req
48. Two meals in one week?Copy !req
49. - Got you!
- Sucker!Copy !req
50. Friends, help!
A guinea pig tricked me.Copy !req
51. What?Copy !req
52. So, now Zoidberg is big, huh?Copy !req
53. That's more like it.Copy !req
54. Who's intimidating
who now, big city?Copy !req
55. Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank.Copy !req
56. Deny my credit card
application, will you?Copy !req
57. Ah, the famed Apollo Theater.Copy !req
58. Boo me off stage
on open-mike night, huh?Copy !req
59. I'll show you.Copy !req
60. Hey, I called this city.Copy !req
61. Quit touching my stuff.Copy !req
62. Tell it to the claw.Copy !req
63. Bite my colossal metal ass.Copy !req
64. Who wants lobster bisque?Copy !req
65. Hmm?Copy !req
66. Hey, Bender...Copy !req
67. want to make shrinky dinks?Copy !req
68. Who put this in here?Copy !req
69. No!Copy !req
70. Are you people satisfied?Copy !req
71. This gentle visitor is dying...Copy !req
72. and we'll never even
know why he came.Copy !req
73. I'll... tell you...Copy !req
74. with my final breath.Copy !req
75. I came here
with a simple dream...Copy !req
76. A dream of killing all humans...Copy !req
77. and this is how it must end?Copy !req
78. Who's the real seven-billion-ton
robot monster here?Copy !req
79. Not... I.Copy !req
80. Not... I.Copy !req
81. Good night, sweet prince.Copy !req
82. Interesting stuff.Copy !req
83. Stay tuned for more:Copy !req
84. Well, Leela...Copy !req
85. care to give the
what-if machine a whirl?Copy !req
86. Maybe later.Copy !req
87. I mean, I don't know
what to ask about.Copy !req
88. Come on, woman,
just pick something.Copy !req
89. Yeah, be more
impulsive, like this.Copy !req
90. Go, man, go.Copy !req
91. I can be really impulsive.
It just takes me awhile.Copy !req
92. All right, Professor, let's do it.Copy !req
93. Make that machine
show me what would happen...Copy !req
94. if I was a little more impulsive.Copy !req
95. Just a little.Copy !req
96. Not too much.Copy !req
97. Hey, guys, look what
I bought on a wild impulse...Copy !req
98. New boots.Copy !req
99. They're like my old ones
but with a crazy green stripe.Copy !req
100. Whoo!Copy !req
101. Never know what
I'm going to do next.Copy !req
102. Leela, could you come
in here for a moment?Copy !req
103. I have something
important to tell you.Copy !req
104. I can't live forever
and I need an heir...Copy !req
105. Someone to spend my vast riches...Copy !req
106. and take care of my man-eating
anteaters when I'm gone.Copy !req
107. The others simply aren't
levelheaded enough.Copy !req
108. They're too impulsive...
not like you.Copy !req
109. Not like old, predictable,
dull-as-dishwater Leela.Copy !req
110. Hello? New boots.Copy !req
111. That's why I've made you
my sole heir.Copy !req
112. The day I die...Copy !req
113. you'll be a very wealthy woman.Copy !req
114. Oh, my, yes...
incredibly wealthy.Copy !req
115. The day I die...Copy !req
116. because you're so un-impulsive.Copy !req
117. Oh! Huh?Copy !req
118. Oh, you've killed me!Copy !req
119. You've killed me!Copy !req
120. Oh, God, what have I done?Copy !req
121. I just told you.
You've killed me!Copy !req
122. Okay, just try
to be nonchalant.Copy !req
123. All right,
so you're nonchalant.Copy !req
124. Quit rubbing our noses in it.Copy !req
125. Sweet giant anteater
of Santa Anita!Copy !req
126. The professor's been eaten
by giant anteaters!Copy !req
127. - Oh!
- What?Copy !req
128. If you ask me,
it's mighty suspicious.Copy !req
129. I'm going to call the police...Copy !req
130. right after
I flush some things.Copy !req
131. Police, bah.
Nosy meddlers.Copy !req
132. It so happens I have...Copy !req
133. mail-order degrees
in murderology and murderonomy.Copy !req
134. Zoidberg is afoot.Copy !req
135. Perhaps the professor's
files can clear things up.Copy !req
136. Let's see, citation
for public nudity...Copy !req
137. conspiracy to commit
public nudity.Copy !req
138. Aha! A new will naming...Copy !req
139. You as his sole heir!Copy !req
140. That doesn't prove I killed him.Copy !req
141. It's a video will.
It shows you killing him.Copy !req
142. All right, anteater number one,
who are you protecting?Copy !req
143. Is it anteater number two?Copy !req
144. Don't stick your tongue
out at me.Copy !req
145. - I need a name.Copy !req
146. What? How do you spell that?Copy !req
147. What are you hacking off?Copy !req
148. Is it my torso?
It is! My precious torso!Copy !req
149. Hermes, quiet.
I'm deducing things.Copy !req
150. What do you got?
Disposal trouble?Copy !req
151. No! Everything's just...Copy !req
152. Sure is shocking about
the professor, huh?Copy !req
153. And now Hermes is
mysteriously missing.Copy !req
154. Anyhow, it doesn't
affect me... Bender.Copy !req
155. Hey, what's this?Copy !req
156. Hermes' dreadlocks?
And his arm?Copy !req
157. Leela, I'm shocked.Copy !req
158. Food goes in the disposal.
Hair and flesh go in the trash.Copy !req
159. I'm sorry. I couldn't stop.Copy !req
160. Well, wait.Copy !req
161. Don't you care that
I murdered Hermes?Copy !req
162. Not even a little.Copy !req
163. There's nothing wrong
with murder...Copy !req
164. just as long as you let
Bender wet his beak.Copy !req
165. You're blackmailing me?Copy !req
166. Blackmail is such an ugly word.Copy !req
167. I prefer extortion.Copy !req
168. The "X" makes it sound cool.Copy !req
169. Please, honey,
I'm made of metal.Copy !req
170. Like you're really going
to hurt me with a...Copy !req
171. Hey, what are you doing
with that microwave?Copy !req
172. Okay, that's it.Copy !req
173. No more killing.Copy !req
174. Next time you feel like killing...Copy !req
175. just have a stick of gum.Copy !req
176. Now to dispose of the body.Copy !req
177. Honk, honk.Copy !req
178. Wow, sporty go-cart, Leela.
So hip and sexy.Copy !req
179. Not like you at all.Copy !req
180. Do you have any gum?Copy !req
181. No.Copy !req
182. Ah!Copy !req
183. The gang's all here.Copy !req
184. Who are you?Copy !req
185. Scruffy, the janitor.Copy !req
186. I've never seen you before.Copy !req
187. I've never seen you before, neither.Copy !req
188. Quiet, please.Copy !req
189. I've called you all here
to the parlor...Copy !req
190. to watch as I gradually
solve the crime.Copy !req
191. One of the people in this room
is a big murderer.Copy !req
192. You see, the killer
left one fatal clue...Copy !req
193. This boot print
on the professor's lab coat.Copy !req
194. Uh... couldn't be me.Copy !req
195. I never wear boots.Copy !req
196. See?Copy !req
197. Eww. What smells
like boot feet?Copy !req
198. This is preposterous.Copy !req
199. Obviously, the murderer is...Copy !req
200. My next clue came at 4:15...Copy !req
201. when the clock stopped...Copy !req
202. and another came
two hours later, at 4:15...Copy !req
203. when I discovered
the murdered body...Copy !req
204. of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.Copy !req
205. Scruffy knows
who killed them people.Copy !req
206. In Scruffy's opinion, it were...Copy !req
207. So... it's just as
I suspected all along.Copy !req
208. The crime is unsolvable.Copy !req
209. A letter from Bender,
my good friend.Copy !req
210. "Dear Dr. Jerkberg...Copy !req
211. "If you're reading this,
I'm already dead.Copy !req
212. The person who
killed me was... was..."Copy !req
213. My God. It can't be.Copy !req
214. The murderer. It was...Copy !req
215. I'm bored.Copy !req
216. You're boring, Zoidberg.Copy !req
217. I'm going to go watch TV.Copy !req
218. Could you get the lights
on your way out?Copy !req
219. - Whatcha eating?
- Lobster.Copy !req
220. - You want some?
- Sure.Copy !req
221. You know, I think
I finally figured out...Copy !req
222. what's behind all
these mysterious deaths.Copy !req
223. Really?Copy !req
224. Was Planet Express built
on an Indian graveyard?Copy !req
225. - No.
- No?Copy !req
226. - No.
- Then... Then...Copy !req
227. it was you.Copy !req
228. I don't know
what came over me.Copy !req
229. I killed one person on impulse.Copy !req
230. Then I had to kill
another and another.Copy !req
231. Well, that covers
the first three killings.Copy !req
232. And now, to make sure
you won't talk...Copy !req
233. I'm going to have to do
something really impulsive.Copy !req
234. So, Fry...Copy !req
235. what do you think
of the impulsive new me?Copy !req
236. I like it.Copy !req
237. Good, now let me
just get the lights.Copy !req
238. I really like it.Copy !req
239. Who else has a question
for the what-if machine?Copy !req
240. Scruffy? Fry?Copy !req
241. I have a question.Copy !req
242. What if Bender
was really giant?Copy !req
243. You idiot,
we already saw that.Copy !req
244. I know, I liked it.
I want to see it again.Copy !req
245. We're not seeing it again.
Ask something less stupid.Copy !req
246. Oh, all right, how about this?Copy !req
247. What if I never fell
into that freezer doodle...Copy !req
248. and came to the future jiggy?Copy !req
249. That question is less stupid...Copy !req
250. though you asked it in
a profoundly stupid way.Copy !req
251. What would happen if Fry
never came to the future?Copy !req
252. Hello!Copy !req
253. Pizza delivery for, uh...Copy !req
254. I.C. Wiener?Copy !req
255. Oh, crud.Copy !req
256. Here's to another
lousy millennium.Copy !req
257. Ow!Copy !req
258. I should have left you
floating in the toilet.Copy !req
259. What is it?Copy !req
260. It appears that the very fabric...Copy !req
261. of space-time has ripped.Copy !req
262. Hey, look,
an ugly, scared guy.Copy !req
263. Boo!Copy !req
264. Who are you monsters?Copy !req
265. Is one of you I.C. Wiener?Copy !req
266. If that's his pizza,
then I'm Icy Whatever.Copy !req
267. You believe me about
the monsters, right, Mr. Panucci?Copy !req
268. There's only three
real monsters, kid...Copy !req
269. Dracula, Blacula
and Son of Kong.Copy !req
270. Now, quit picking your nose
and knead that dough.Copy !req
271. Hey, the usual,
Professor Hawking?Copy !req
272. No, today I'd like something good.Copy !req
273. Hawking, you're all right.
I'll make you the usual.Copy !req
274. Hey, Stephen Hawking.Copy !req
275. Aren't you that physicist
that invented gravity?Copy !req
276. Sure, why not?Copy !req
277. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
278. Has anyone ever discovered a hole
in nothing with monsters in it?Copy !req
279. 'Cause if I'm the first...Copy !req
280. I want them to call it a Fry Hole.Copy !req
281. There is nothing
to be concerned about.Copy !req
282. I must go.
There is much to do.Copy !req
283. Hey, Hawking,
your pizza's ready.Copy !req
284. Toss it in the garbage.Copy !req
285. There he is. Seize him.Copy !req
286. Who said that?Copy !req
287. Uh! Hey! Hey!
Oh! Ow! No!Copy !req
288. There.Copy !req
289. Who are you people?Copy !req
290. I'm Al Gore, and these...Copy !req
291. are my vice-presidential
Action Rangers...Copy !req
292. a group of top nerds
whose sole duty...Copy !req
293. is to prevent disruptions
in the space-time continuum.Copy !req
294. I thought your sole duty was to cast
the tie-breaking vote in the Senate.Copy !req
295. That, and protect
the space-time continuum.Copy !req
296. Read the Constitution.Copy !req
297. Hmm, so I guess you'll want
to see my Fry Hole.Copy !req
298. Very much so, but first,
meet the Action Rangers.Copy !req
299. You already know
Stephen Hawking.Copy !req
300. Also with us are
Nichelle Nichols...Copy !req
301. A.K.A. Commander Uhura.Copy !req
302. Incoming transmission
from MCI One-rate Department.Copy !req
303. It sounds like a limited-time offer.Copy !req
304. Tell them I'm in the tub.Copy !req
305. To my left,
you'll recognize Gary Gygax...Copy !req
306. inventor of Dungeons and Dragons.Copy !req
307. Greetings. It's a...
pleasure to meet you.Copy !req
308. And our summer intern,
Deep Blue...Copy !req
309. the world's foremost
chess-playing computer.Copy !req
310. Bishop to knight four.Copy !req
311. Not all missions can
be solved with chess, Deep Blue.Copy !req
312. Someday you'll understand that.Copy !req
313. Where am I, anyway?Copy !req
314. You're traveling
in a specially equipped...Copy !req
315. terrestrial transport module.Copy !req
316. A school bus.Copy !req
317. So what do you nerds want?Copy !req
318. It's about that rip
in space-time that you saw.Copy !req
319. I call it a Hawking Hole.Copy !req
320. No fair... I saw it first.Copy !req
321. Who is TheJournal of Quantum
Physics going to believe?Copy !req
322. Mr. Fry, the time disruption
indicates that some event...Copy !req
323. was supposed to happen, but didn't
due to a quantum fluctuation.Copy !req
324. That's why we had to beat you
with tennis rackets.Copy !req
325. If we don't go back there
and make the event happen...Copy !req
326. the entire universe
will be destroyed...Copy !req
327. and as an environmentalist,
I'm against that.Copy !req
328. So then my chair tilted back...Copy !req
329. and I almost fell
into this freezer thingy.Copy !req
330. I call it a Hawking Chamber.Copy !req
331. But instead of falling in
and getting frozen...Copy !req
332. I missed and wanged my head.Copy !req
333. Well, it's obvious
what should have happened.Copy !req
334. That wang to the head
should have killed you.Copy !req
335. Uh, what?Copy !req
336. Let's finish the job.Copy !req
337. No, wait!
There must be a peaceful...Copy !req
338. - Hold him down.
- Check.Copy !req
339. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
340. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
341. - Whoa.
- Wha...Copy !req
342. Something's wrong. Murder isn't
working and that's all we're good at.Copy !req
343. Let's try something else.
Maybe we should...Copy !req
344. Put the dice away
before I take them away.Copy !req
345. Wait, I'm getting an idea.Copy !req
346. What if Fry was
supposed to get frozen?Copy !req
347. Yes.Copy !req
348. Shove him in the tube.
It was my idea.Copy !req
349. Hey, there he is again
and he brought nerds.Copy !req
350. Take this!Copy !req
351. Get in the tube, dummy.Copy !req
352. We only have a few seconds...Copy !req
353. before the universe is destroyed.Copy !req
354. All right,
but I need a weapon...Copy !req
355. to fight off drunken robots
when I wake up.Copy !req
356. Here, take my plus-one mace.Copy !req
357. Okay, here I go.Copy !req
358. You fool!
You foolish fool!Copy !req
359. Eh, what's the worst
thing that can happen?Copy !req
360. Great.Copy !req
361. The entire universe was destroyed.Copy !req
362. Destroyed?
Then where are we now?Copy !req
363. I don't know,
but I can darn well tell you...Copy !req
364. where we're not...
the universe.Copy !req
365. Oh, eternity with nerds.Copy !req
366. It's the Pasadena Star Trek
convention all over again.Copy !req
367. Anyone want to play Dungeons and Dragons
for the next quadrillion years?Copy !req
368. - Yes, please.
- Sure.Copy !req
369. Pawn to rook eight.Copy !req
370. I'm a tenth-level vice president.Copy !req
371. That story was preposterous.Copy !req
372. Stephen Hawking in a pizzeria.Copy !req
373. This thing isn't worth
the gold it's made of.Copy !req
374. Anyway, "The Thing Longer"
seems to be a rousing success.Copy !req
375. Good work.Copy !req
376. Right on, Professor.Copy !req
377. So that's what things
would be like...Copy !req
378. if I'd invented "The Thing Longer."Copy !req
379. Oh, a man can dream, though.Copy !req
380. A man can dream.Copy !req