Futurama 1x3

Directed by Bret Haaland

When it is discovered that Philip has been living in the Planet Express office, he is forced to move out. Trying to sleep standing up in Bender's closet-sized apartment doesn't work, so they go looking for a place both can be comfortable. Unfortunately, Bender is incompatible with the ideal apartment they do find until he has a radical... modification which makes him less than happy.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey!

2. Fry, mon, if you're going to be living in the office,

3. you could at least be on time for work.

4. I'm sorry.

5. I was up really late poking through people's desks.

6. All right, people,

7. I will now outline today's 12-point agenda.

8. We'll begin with point one...

9. Concerning our pest problem.

10. Somebody's been leaving food around

11. and it's attracting owls.

12. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps.

13. Now...

14. As this shocking graph indicates,

15. our water consumption has tripled in the last month.

16. Now, I notice Fry has been here for a month

17. so I'm appointing him head of a committee

18. to find who's responsible.

19. Fry?

20. Am I cracking up

21. or is Fry's living here

22. starting to get in the way of bus...

23. What the hell are you doing?

24. You're getting a huge dose of radiation.

25. And great lift.

26. Do you know how long it's going to take me

27. to recalibrate these engines?

28. Hey, when you look this good,

29. you don't have to know anything.

30. Professor, we need to talk to you about Fry.

31. That's right! We want some money!

32. Wait, what's this about Fry?

33. He's a nice guy

34. but we think it's about time he got his own place.

35. Oh, fuff.

36. He's not causing any trouble.

37. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy.

38. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy.

39. This sarcophagus should contain the remains

40. of Emperor Nimbala, who ruled

41. Zuben Five over 29 million years ago.

42. Hey, professor.

43. Mmm. Great jerky.

44. Mmm.

45. My God, this is an outrage.

46. I was going to eat that mummy.

47. Fry has got to go.

48. Bachelor chow, now with flavor.

49. And bigfoot is down!

50. Sheesh. 40,000 channels

51. and only 150 of them have anything good on.

52. All My Circuits is brought to you by...

53. Robo Fresh.

54. Designed by a robot for a robot.

55. I've been processing this for some time, Monique,

56. and, well... Will you marry me?

57. Oh, Calculon!

58. It fits!

59. Then you must know that I'm—

60. Metric? I've always known.

61. But for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.

62. Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.

63. Fry, we've got to discuss your living arrangements.

64. We've all talked it over, and—

65. Hey, All My Circuits.

66. Move over.

67. Ah!

68. Fry, sometimes in close quarters

69. people do inconsiderate things without realizing it.

70. I know, but I forgive you.

71. No, Fry, by "close quarters"

72. I mean this office.

73. Uh-huh.

74. - And by "people," I mean you. - Right.

75. And by "inconsiderate," I mean...

76. Leela, we're trying to watch TV.

77. Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole?

78. So who's that weird-looking guy?

79. That's a human.

80. - What's he do? - Usual human stuff.

81. He laughs, he learns, he loves.

82. Boring.

83. Calculon? I thought you were in a coma.

84. That's what I wanted you to think

85. with your soft, human brain.

86. Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?

87. We'll bill you for the couch.

88. Cheer up, meat bag.

89. You barely touched your amoeba.

90. It looked good, but I just don't feel like eating.

91. - You want it? - Nah, I'm trying to watch my input.

92. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol.

93. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.

94. What are the cigars for?

95. They make me look cool.

96. Oh, I can't believe they threw me out like that.

97. I must have been really acting like a jerk.

98. Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me, this jerk.

99. That's my philosophy.

100. So, where are you going to stay?

101. I don't know.

102. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?

103. Yeah, but the rents are outrageous.

104. Why don't you just come move in with me?

105. Really? That would be great!

106. You sure I won't be imposing?

107. Nah. I've always wanted a pet.

108. Here we are, your new home.

109. Cool. You know, I've never even seen

110. a robot's apartment before.

111. Come on in. I'll give you the tour.

112. Let's see, where to start.

113. Okay. This is the TV area.

114. That over there is the breakfast nook.

115. And over here is where you'll be living,

116. which is great, 'cause till now it's just been wasted space.

117. It's kind of cramped in here.

118. I don't even have room to hang my clothes.

119. Look, pal, you've only got one set of clothes

120. and you're not taking them off while I'm here.

121. Well, I'm bushed. Good night.

122. Wait. Bender? Bender?

123. Kill all humans. Kill all humans.

124. Must kill all...

125. Bender, wake up!

126. I was having the most wonderful dream.

127. I think you were in it.

128. Uh... Uh, listen, Bender, uh...

129. Where's your bathroom?

130. - Bath what? - Bathroom.

131. - What room? - Bathroom.

132. What, what?

133. Ah, never mind.

134. Mmm...

135. Hey, sexy mama...

136. Want to kill all humans?

137. We sure are cheerful this morning.

138. Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast.

139. You know, beneath his warm, sunny exterior

140. beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

141. What happened to you?

142. Oh, it's Bender's apartment.

143. He put in carpeting yesterday and now my head hits the ceiling.

144. Hey, do you realize you're standing at a weird angle?

145. Now you're okay.

146. Look at yourself, you're a wreck.

147. You've got to find a new place to live.

148. Is that an invitation?

149. Love your optimism, Fry.

150. But seriously, you've got to tell Bender you're moving out.

151. Yeah, but he might get kind of upset.

152. I don't think I can do that to him.

153. Hey, there's my little space heater.

154. Well, I'm moving out.

155. What?

156. I'm sorry, Bender,

157. but there's just not enough room.

158. Not enough room?

159. My place is two cubic meters

160. and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters.

161. We've got room for a whole 'nother two-thirds of a person.

162. What if I just help the two of you find a bigger apartment?

163. I don't know.

164. I've got a lot of great memories in my old place.

165. And now they're gone.

166. Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da above-ground places

167. but if you like dank... Forget about it.

168. At least it's got a great view.

169. - Aah! - What the...?

170. 'Scuse me. I got to go change a lightbulb.

171. Wow. Now, this is fantastic.

172. Hmm, I'm not sure we want to pay

173. for a dimension we're not going to use.

174. Aah! Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Oh! Aah! Ee!

175. Ooh! Aah! Ee! Aah! Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ee! Aah!

176. Ooh! Ee! Ooh!

177. Well, I give up. What's the catch?

178. Oh, no catch.

179. Although we are technically in New Jersey.

180. Not one place even remotely livable.

181. Oh, how awful.

182. Did he at least die painlessly?

183. To shreds, you say.

184. Well, how is his wife holding up?

185. To shreds, you say.

186. Very well, then.

187. Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news

188. about my colleague, Dr. Mobutu.

189. Was his apartment rent controlled?

190. Wow. This is beautiful.

191. What's with all the crap?

192. It's not crap.

193. Dr. Mobutu collected this crap

194. while he was exploring the whatchacallit... Universe.

195. Well, this place has everything except the only thing I care about... a TV.

196. It's got a TV, you young whatchacallit... Idiot.

197. Ooh.

198. Whoa, slow down.

199. This place just doesn't feel like home.

200. It just isn't... Cozy.

201. Ah...

202. I can barely move.

203. It's perfect!

204. Man, it's a total sty.

205. For the first time in 1,000 years

206. I feel like I'm home.

207. Yeah, it's going to be fun on a bun.

208. You know, Fry, of all the friends I've had,

209. you're the first.

210. Hey, mon.

211. Happy housewarming, Fry.

212. It's a miniature fruit salad tree.

213. Ooh.

214. Wah!

215. - Hey, Amy. - Hey.

216. This is for you, Fry—

217. Zevulon the great.

218. He's teriyaki-style.

219. Wow. Heavy-drinking crowd.

220. I'd better go out for more beer.

221. Hang on. All My Circuits is about to start.

222. I know, but I need alcohol to power up my batteries.

223. If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right

224. I'll be emotionally and electrically drained.

225. Hey...

226. These are mighty tasty.

227. Thank you. I made them myself.

228. Shh. The wedding's about to start.

229. If anyone here objects to this union,

230. let them speak now or forever hold their...

231. Is he objecting or backing up?

232. Looks like both.

233. I'm afraid my half-brother is correct.

234. You see, I have a terrible secret

235. and that secret is...

236. Oh, come on!

237. Oh, fix it.

238. Hey, what happened to the TV?

239. It just went out.

240. This is an outrage. I'm going to go yell at the manager.

241. All right!

242. Come back, Bender! It's working!

243. To reiterate, my terrible secret is...

244. It's out again.

245. What? That's the last straw.

246. It's back on!

247. Pardon me.

248. I don't mean to pry into what you're doing in here

249. with the crab and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese girl,

250. but everyone on this floor is having trouble with their TV reception.

251. Yeah, and you better get rid of whatever's causing it

252. or we're out of this dump.

253. Relax, sonny.

254. This cajigger'll find the source of the interference.

255. We want our TV back.

256. There's your problem.

257. Oh, my God. Bender, it's your thingy.

258. You people are nuts.

259. My antenna never interfered with my old TV.

260. You had cable. This is satellite.

261. Obviously, your thoughts

262. are being transmitted on the same frequency.

263. They're on my cell phone, too.

264. Madame, I believe you're mistaken.

265. Wow, that lady's got a huge ass.

266. Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat-ass.

267. The robot has to go.

268. Yeah!

269. Well, you heard the mob.

270. Fine. Come on, Fry.

271. Let's move to that apartment

272. that smelled like a sewer.

273. You liked that one, right?

274. Oh, it's tempting, but, well...

275. I am already kind of settled in here.

276. Or we could live underground with the mutants.

277. A little fire'll show them who's boss.

278. Uh... Listen, is there maybe some way we could do this

279. with you going and me not going?

280. I don't understand.

281. Well, you were going to live in the closet anyway.

282. Won't you be just as happy back in your old place?

283. But... Then we wouldn't be roommates.

284. I'll come visit sometime, and you can visit me here.

285. No, he can't.

286. Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out.

287. This way we'll both be happy.

288. Happy. Yeah, that's Bender.

289. Always happy.

290. Hey, the TV's back on!

291. We are gathered to mourn

292. the death of Calculon,

293. industrialist, private eye, friend.

294. Mind if I give the eulogy?

295. Calculon! You're alive!

296. Yay! Calculon's back!

297. Right. So long.

298. Good-bye.

299. Do you think Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again?

300. I don't know, Amy. I just don't know.

301. - Wah! - Hey, thanks for coming.

302. Fry, you're Bender's best friend.

303. How could you let that mob kick him out?

304. Aw, come on. Bender loves mobs.

305. Only when he's in them, and you know it.

306. You really hurt his feelings.

307. Don't girl me with that girl stuff.

308. Bender and me are guys.

309. Guys don't have feelings.

310. Bender's not a guy, he's a robot.

311. Same thing.

312. It's so big and empty.

313. My roommate's gone, and all he left behind was

314. an eyelash and three skin flakes.

315. Aw... What's the point?

316. Bender?

317. My God, you're a mess.

318. leave me alone.

319. Look at that five o'clock rust.

320. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you?

321. Hey... What I don't do is none of your business.

322. Please, Bender, have some malt liquor,

323. if not for yourself, then for the people who love you.

324. I hate the people who love me, and they hate me.

325. Oh, now, look.

326. It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate

327. but there's got to be a better way to deal with this.

328. Like how, having my antenna removed?

329. Well... If that would work.

330. Are you crazy? That's little Bender you're talking about.

331. I can't cut it off.

332. You're not a robot or a man, so you wouldn't understand.

333. I got to get out of here.

334. Wait.

335. I want you to look me in the eye

336. and promise you won't get behind the wheel

337. without some kind of alcoholic beverage in your hand.

338. I promise nothing!

339. I don't even want to...

340. Why is...

341. What up?

342. I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore.

343. Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks.

344. Well, I can't just do that anymore.

345. Your best friend is out there somewhere

346. destroying himself.

347. Really?

348. I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much.

349. He doesn't care about the apartment.

350. He cares about you, and you turned your back on him.

351. Oh, man, I had no idea.

352. If only I knew where he was, I'd go talk to him.

353. Oh, stupid TV.

354. Bender. You're blind stinking sober.

355. That's right. I'm sober and crazy

356. and I don't know what I might do.

357. - Don't do it. - I don't know what it is yet.

358. Oh, yeah, now I remember.

359. I thought I could live alone, but I can't

360. so I'm going to do what it takes to be your roommate again.

361. Bender, stop.

362. Cutting Leela's head off won't solve anything.

363. No, I'm going to chop off my antenna.

364. Hey... Yeah, that sounds good.

365. Can I give you a hand?

366. Fry, don't help him mutilate himself.

367. But it's a useless antenna.

368. It's not like he's a ham radio or something.

369. I'm going to do it!

370. I'm really going to do it!

371. Don't try and stop me!

372. Here goes!

373. Ohh...

374. Hey, it worked.

375. The static's gone.

376. I hate that this came between us, Calculon.

377. Me, too.

378. I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions.

379. You're my best friend.

380. I'm sorry I treated you so badly.

381. Apology accepted.

382. After all, you're only human.

383. You guys could learn a lesson from those two.

384. She's right.

385. You're my best friend, Fry.

386. I'm sorry I treated you so badly.

387. Apology accepted.

388. After all, you're only human.

389. Wait a minute.

390. You did it all backwards.

391. Fry's the one who should be...

392. Oh, never mind.

393. Oh...

394. - What's wrong? - Nothing.

395. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to being half a robot.

396. Aw, this isn't right.

397. Listen, Bender, if we found your antenna,

398. could they still reattach it?

399. Maybe, if we get it on ice right away.

400. Bingo.

401. Hmm. You call that an antenna?

402. This time you'll have all the human comforts.

403. We'll get a couple of toilets,

404. some food cookers, maybe a puppy...

405. It's good to be home.

406. It sure is.

407. By the way, I saved your stuff.

408. So that's where those skin flakes went.

409. Hmm. You think this fruit tree's

410. going to get enough light?

411. There's a window in the closet.

412. Whoa.

413. This is huge.

414. Bender, why don't I just live in here?

415. In a closet?

416. Oh, humans.