1. Hey, Pheebs, I'm having dinner with my dad
tomorrow. Wanna come?
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2. Sure, yeah, he's kind of sexy.
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3. Oh, no, I'll be there too.
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4. Okay, so we'll just come up with a signal.
If it's going well, you can take off.
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5. No, Phoebe,
I just need you there for support.
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6. - I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet.
- Oh. Why not?
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7. Because I know he's gonna flip out
and I hate it when he gets angry.
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8. Oh, Rachel.
This is all so "Papa Don't Preach."
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9. No, Pheeb, wait, he's a scary guy.
I mean, one time he caught me smoking.
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10. He said if he ever saw me doing that again,
he would make me eat the entire pack.
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11. - Wow. Well, I will be there.
- Okay.
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12. Gosh, I'm not gonna let that man
make you eat your baby.
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13. Oh. Hey, who is that guy?
I think I know him.
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14. - No, you don't.
- No, you don't.
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15. Oh, my God. Monica, he's the stripper
from your bachelorette party.
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16. Her what?
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17. Your secret bachelorette party.
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18. - You had a bachelorette party?
- She untied his G-string with her teeth.
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19. Somebody stop me.
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20. I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor,
bachelorette parties.
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21. You know, we agreed
that it's a silly tradition.
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22. It's a grand tradition.
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23. I'm sorry. They surprised me.
There was nothing I could do.
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24. Well, you could have untied it
with your hands.
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25. This is so unfair.
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26. The one thing I wanted to do
was throw my best friend a bachelor party...
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27. but, oh, I wasn't allowed to.
All we got was a stupid steak dinner.
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28. You went home with the waitress.
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29. Ha. Yeah, that was a good night.
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30. I can't believe you didn't tell me.
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31. You know that the two pillars of marriage
are openness and honesty.
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32. Ugh. I knew giving you that book was
gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
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33. How about I order everyone
the Moroccan chicken?
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34. Oh, I don't eat meat.
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35. It's chicken.
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36. - Yeah, I don't eat that either.
- I'll never understand you lesbians.
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37. - So, baby, tell me, what is new with you?
- Well, actually, um...
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38. - Ahem. Your '74 Lafite, sir.
- Seventy-four?
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39. I ordered the '75. That's a magnificent wine.
The '74 is sewage.
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40. Why would you bring me sewage?
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41. Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot?
Is that why you're a waiter?
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42. This is why I told the manager
I wouldn't wait on you tonight.
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43. Oh, come on.
Don't be such a baby.
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44. In case you didn't notice,
that is a scary man.
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45. He's right, though.
The '74 is absolute piss.
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46. This was such a huge mistake.
I can't tell him, Phoebe. I can't.
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47. - Rachel...
- No, it's okay. This is what's gonna happen.
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48. I'm gonna wait a couple of years
and then the baby will tell him.
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49. - Why? So he can get mad at the baby?
- Hey, that is the baby's problem.
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50. - Oh. Everything okay with the waiter?
- I have no idea. I went to the bathroom.
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51. So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me
what is, uh...? What is new with you?
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52. Well...
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53. Um...
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54. I got TiVo.
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55. - What's TiVo?
- It's slang for "pregnant."
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56. Phoebe.
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57. Are you really pregnant?
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58. Well, uh, yes and no.
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59. Except, not no.
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60. So to sum it up, yeah.
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61. Who is the father? Oh, no.
Please don't tell me it's her.
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62. No, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross.
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63. Oh, Daddy,
I hope you're okay with all this.
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64. I mean, think about it, this is a good thing.
This is your first grandchild.
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65. You're gonna be a poppy.
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66. That's true. I'm a poppy.
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67. I'm gonna be a poppy.
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68. - So when is the wedding?
- The who?
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69. The wedding.
There's going to be a wedding.
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70. Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me
my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard.
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71. Rachel Karen Green,
tell me there's gonna be a wedding.
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72. February 2nd.
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73. So it was cool
seeing you lecture today.
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74. Oh, thanks. Although it seemed like
you were falling asleep there a little.
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75. Oh, no, I had my eyes closed
so I could concentrate and take it all in.
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76. Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
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77. - So, um, I gotta get going.
- Okay, I'll see you tonight?
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78. - Yeah.
- Okay.
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79. Oh, hey, thanks again for showing me
your semi-precious stone collection.
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80. It was amazing.
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81. My God, you must be good in bed.
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82. So you and Mona. It's been a while now.
How's it going?
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83. Uh, it's good. It's going good.
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84. I mean, we get along great.
She's so...
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85. - Hot?
- Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah.
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86. And she's okay
with Rachel and the baby?
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87. Well, I haven't actually told her yet.
I don't wanna scare her off.
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88. Well, you have to be honest with her...
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89. otherwise you may think
that you're going down the same path...
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90. but you're really
going down different ones.
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91. I'm gonna take that book
and I'm gonna beat you to death with it.
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92. Oh, my God,
you are gonna love me so much.
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93. I felt really bad about the whole
bachelorette party thing, so tonight...
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94. you're gonna have a bachelor party.
- What?
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95. Yeah, I got this number
from this guy at work...
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96. and I hired a stripper
to come dance for you.
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97. Am I going in the
wife hall of fame or what?
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98. Honey, that's crazy,
I don't you to get me a stripper.
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99. Will you let the lady talk?
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100. Come on. Come on, it'll be fun.
It'll make me feel so much better.
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101. Look, I appreciate it, but, uh,
it's a little creepy, you know?
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102. I'm not a bachelor anymore.
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103. So don't think of it as a bachelor party.
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104. Think of it as a two-month
anniversary present.
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105. Sure. One year is paper,
but two months is lap dance.
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106. Please, I feel so bad.
Just watch the hot woman get naked.
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107. - Fine, but I'm only doing this for you.
- Yeah.
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108. And Joey.
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109. Thank you.
Now, who else do you wanna invite?
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110. Uh, no, no, no. Just Ross and Joey
is embarrassing enough.
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111. Uh, actually, sorry, I can't even make it.
I'm seeing Mona again tonight.
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112. I understand. Who would cancel an actual
date just to go to a fake bachelor party?
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113. I'm sorry. I gotta cancel tonight, baby.
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114. I'm sorry I won't be able to make it
to your imaginary wedding...
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115. but I'm really busy that day.
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116. I already have a unicorn baptism
and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
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117. I know, I know. I panicked. I panicked.
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118. I didn't want him to start yelling at me
like I was some '74 Latour.
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119. It's Lafite.
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120. The '74 Latour is actually
drinking quite nicely.
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121. All right, here he comes. I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna be strong.
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122. - I just called a friend of mine.
- Yeah.
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123. I think I may be able
to book the Plaza on short notice.
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124. Really?
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125. The Plaza?
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126. Oh, Daddy.
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127. - Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you please.
- What is it, sweetie?
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128. There's not gonna be a wedding.
Ross and I are not getting married.
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129. - I'm sorry, Daddy.
- I don't believe this.
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130. Daddy, stay calm, please.
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131. Stay calm?
How do you expect me to stay calm?
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132. This is unacceptable, Rachel.
And I wanna know why.
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133. Is it because that punk Ross
won't marry you?
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134. - That's it. Is that it?
- Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.
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135. So, you, uh,
nervous about getting married?
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136. What are you doing?
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137. Look, let's pretend
it's a real bachelor party, okay?
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138. You know, before your wedding.
It'll be more fun.
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139. All right. I can't believe
tomorrow's the big day.
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140. How's it feel knowing you're never gonna
be with another woman again, huh?
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141. Knowing you're gonna have to wake up
to the same face every day...
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142. until you finally have
the sweet release of death.
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143. You're right. This is more fun.
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144. That's her. Okay, come on.
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145. - Hi.
- Hi.
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146. So which one of you lucky boys
is Chandler?
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147. Uh, that's me.
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148. That's me.
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149. Joey Tribbiani. Big fan.
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150. - So is that a bedroom?
- Yeah, yeah, right over there.
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151. All right. Whenever you're ready.
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152. That was weird.
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153. - Why would she go in the bedroom?
I'm waiting.
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154. - So she's a...
- Yep, that's one naked hooker.
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155. I love your place.
Where is this guy from?
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156. Uh, that's an 18th-century
Indian artifact from Calcutta.
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157. Oh. Wow.
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158. So you're more than just dinosaurs.
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159. - So much more.
- Mm.
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160. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
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161. Ah, forget it. It's from Pier 1.
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162. Sorry.
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163. You think you can knock up my daughter
and then not marry her?
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164. I ought to kill you.
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165. You know, this is actually
not a great time for me.
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166. So come on.
Explain yourself, Geller.
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167. - First you get my Rachel pregnant...
- You got Rachel pregnant?
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168. - Who did?
- You did!
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169. Yes. Ahem.
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170. Yes, yes, I did, but it was
just a one-night thing. It meant nothing.
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171. Oh? Really? That's what my daughter
means to you, nothing?
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172. No, no, sir. Um, she means a lot to me.
I mean, I love Rachel.
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173. - What?
- Oh, but not in that way. Heh.
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174. I mean, I'm not in love with her.
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175. - I love her like a friend.
- Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend?
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176. You get her in trouble and then
you refuse to marry her?
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177. - Hey, I offered to marry her.
- What?
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178. But I didn't want to.
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179. Well, why not? So you could
spend your time with this tramp?
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180. Tramp?
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181. I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona.
Mona, Dr. Green.
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182. I can't believe there is
a naked hooker in there.
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183. Wait, wait.
Maybe she's a hooker and a stripper...
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184. but she got confused
about what she's supposed to do.
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185. Could be. I mean, technically, she did strip.
We just missed it.
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186. Ma'am?
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187. Are you also a stripper?
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188. Uh, no, but I could pretend to strip.
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189. But that's gonna cost extra.
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190. Okay, here's the extras:
Handcuffs, spanking...
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191. No, no, ha, ha.
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192. Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you.
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193. You know, getting her own husband
a hooker. That's pretty funny.
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194. That is funny. Maybe for my birthday
she'll murder someone.
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195. I bet Ross was in on it too.
I mean, he was conveniently busy.
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196. Do you mind if I smoke in here?
- Oh, actually, I'd rather... Ahem.
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197. Yeah, go ahead. We're gonna have to
burn that room down anyway.
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198. How could you have kept
all of this from me?
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199. - I was going to tell you, but...
- But what?
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200. You figured you'd get what you wanted,
then you'd dump her like Rachel.
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201. Hey, I did not dump Rachel.
Nor are we still together.
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202. Oh, um...
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203. Can I...?
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204. Why don't we just let the machine
get that?
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205. Hey, Ross, it's Joey.
There's a hooker over here.
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206. We thought maybe
you'd know something about it.
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207. No. No. No. No. No.
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208. I need to lie down.
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209. So tonight's the night
of the big bachelor party?
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210. Yeah, hey, thanks for giving me
that girl's number.
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211. No problem. So who's the party for?
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212. - My husband.
- You hired your husband a hooker?
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213. - She's a stripper.
- No, she's a hooker.
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214. - Is that what they call strippers sometimes?
- When they're hookers.
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215. Oh, my God, Stu,
I can't believe you did this.
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216. You're absolutely sure she's a hooker?
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217. Either that, or she's just the best,
most expensive date I ever had.
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218. - Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
- Why would she do that?
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219. Maybe she wants you
to learn something.
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220. Is there anything you're really bad at,
you know, sexually?
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221. This is the worst bachelor party ever.
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222. What's taking you boys so long?
- In a minute.
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223. In a minute?
What's gonna happen in a minute?
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224. All right, all right.
Maybe you should just ask her to leave.
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225. - Why me?
- Hey, it's your bachelor party.
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226. - Which is why you should do it.
- I don't want to. You do it.
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227. - You do it.
- You do it.
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228. All right, rock, paper, scissors
for who has to tell the whore to leave.
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229. - What?
- I miss this.
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230. I don't think we've actually
done this before.
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231. No, I miss hanging out with you.
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232. - Well, we still hang out.
- Not like we used to.
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233. Remember?
You and me used to be inseparable.
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234. Well, now it's like things are different.
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235. Well, you know, things are different.
I'm married now.
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236. Yeah, sure. And, hey, don't get me wrong,
I am so happy for you guys.
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237. But I just miss hanging out.
Just us, you know?
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238. Yeah, I miss that too.
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239. I'll tell you what, from now on, we'll
make time to hang out with each other.
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240. You got it. Come here.
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241. Oh, God.
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242. Listen, I am this close
to robbing you guys.
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243. She's a hooker! She's a hooker! She's a...!
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244. Hi. Uh, we spoke on the phone.
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245. So your dad dropped by.
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246. He's a pleasant man.
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247. - Oh, no.
I better go.
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248. Just over here.
I don't wanna miss the fight.
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249. Ross, I am so sorry.
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250. Okay, I promise I will straighten this out
with him tomorrow in person.
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251. Or via e-mail.
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252. I don't care about your dad.
I care about Mona.
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253. She was there and now
she's totally freaked out.
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254. Ugh, okay, I'll fix that too.
What's her e-mail address?
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255. Rachel.
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256. All right, I promise, I'll fix this.
I swear I'll talk to her.
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257. - Okay. Thank you.
- Okay.
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258. That's it? You call that a fight? Come on.
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259. "We were on a break."No we weren't."
What happened to you two?
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260. Thank you so much
for coming back over.
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261. Oh, good. You're here.
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262. Yeah, and I was worried
that it was going to be uncomfortable.
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263. I know. Mona, just hear me out.
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264. First of all, I am so sorry
about my father yelling at you.
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265. But I heard that you totally
held your own.
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266. You're gonna have to tell me
how you did that.
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267. - Focus.
- Okay. Um...
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268. Okay, yes, Ross and I used to date.
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269. And yes, we are gonna have a baby.
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270. But we are definitely not
getting back together.
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271. - How can I be sure of that?
- Oh, because we drove each other crazy.
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272. I mean, he was possessive, he was jealous.
He could never just let the little things go.
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273. - Trying to date this woman.
- Right.
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274. But none of that compared
to how kind and gentle...
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275. and thoughtful he is.
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276. You probably shouldn't touch me.
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277. You know, I just don't wanna get
in the middle of something so complicated.
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278. I get it. But, Mona,
what relationship is not complicated?
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279. We all have our baggage.
You must too.
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280. Why else would you still be single?
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281. I'm so gonna leave right now.
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282. Should I leave this open for you too?
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283. I'm not sure yet.
Why didn't you just tell me about all this?
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284. Because what's going on with Rachel has
nothing to do with how I feel about you.
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285. - Well, you still should have told me.
- I know, and I was going to...
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286. but I thought it was better
that you heard it from Rachel's father.
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287. Look, I made a mistake...
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288. but it's only because
I really, really like you. Really.
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289. Okay. I guess you can
close the door now.
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290. Forgot my purse. Oh, you guys made up.
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291. He's a good kisser, isn't he?
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292. I'm going.
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293. I swear I didn't know she was a hooker.
I mean...
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294. Did you let her smoke in here?
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295. Her ass-print is still
on your grandmother's quilt.
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296. Do you really want to talk
about smoking?
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297. You know what?
I'm gonna make this up to you.
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298. I promised you a stripper...
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299. and you're gonna get a stripper.
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300. - Monica, wait.
- What?
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301. Carry on.
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302. If I had to give you up
It's only been a year
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303. Now, I got my foot through the door
And I ain't going nowhere
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304. It took a while to get me in
And I'm gonna take my time
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305. Ooh. These tennis shoes are so tight.
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306. - I think I'll take them off.
- Could you not narrate?
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307. Gotcha, sailor.
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308. Just because
you're not in love with the guy...
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309. - Oh, you told your dad the truth.
- About an hour ago.
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310. - Wanna go see a movie?
- Yes.
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311. Bye, Dad.
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312. It's unacceptable, Rachel.
What the hell does love have to do with it?
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313. There are more important things
in a marriage than love.
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314. You have to think about
the consequences of your decisions.
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315. Hey, I do too think about
the consequences of my decisions.
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316. Well, what gives you the right to...?
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317. Go to hell.
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318. Stupid guy on my phone.
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