1. - Hey, you guys, I got some bad news.
- What?
Copy !req
2. Well, that's no way to sell newspapers.
Try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"
Copy !req
3. No. Monica's restaurant got a
horrible review in the Post.
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4. Oh, no!
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5. Yeah, I didn't want
her to see it,
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6. so I ran around the neighbourhood and
bought all the copies I could find.
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7. Man, this is bad. And I've
had my share of bad reviews.
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8. I still remember my
first good one, though.
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9. "Everything else in this production
of 'Our Town' was simply terrible.
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10. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."
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11. - Hey...
- Hey.
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12. oh, my God!
Look at all the newspapers.
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13. It must be a good review.
Is it great?
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14. Um...
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15. Oh, dear God.
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16. But the good news is, no one
in a two-block radius will ever know.
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17. - What about the rest of Manhattan?
- Yeah, they all know.
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18. - Oh, my God, this is horrible.
- I'm so sorry, honey.
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19. I'm so humiliated.
Copy !req
20. Yeah, but you know what they say, Mon,
there is no such thing as bad press.
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21. And you don't think that, um, "The chef's
mahi-mahi was awful-awful" is bad press?
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22. I didn't write it.
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23. Oh, my God, is he right?
Am I really... am I awful?
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24. Oh, no!
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25. Hey, Monica,
you listen to me, okay?
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26. And I'm not just saying this
'cause I'm your friend.
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27. I'm saying it 'cause
it's the truth.
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28. Your food is abysmal.
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29. - Ross?
- What? What?
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30. - I am freaking out!
- Are you?
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31. My due date is in one week!
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32. - What are you doing up?
- That is seven days.
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33. Okay, look, I had a lot of water before
I went to bed. Can we do this after...?
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34. No, no, no, no, Ross!
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35. Please, come on... we do not have
any of the big stuff that we need.
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36. We do not have a changing table.
We do not have a crib.
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37. - We do not have a diaper service.
- It's funny you should mention diapers.
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38. - I'm serious.
- Okay, look,
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39. there's nothing to worry about.
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40. We have plenty of time. There's a great
baby furniture store on West 10th.
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41. Tomorrow, we will go there,
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42. and we'll get you
everything we need, okay?
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43. Okay. Thank you.
That's great. Thank you.
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44. Wait, wait, where on West 10th?
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45. 'Cause there's a really cute
shoe store that has, like...
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46. Okay, okay, if, uh,
if you're going to do this,
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47. then I'm going
to go do that, so...
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48. Oh, wait, Ross, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
49. - One more thing.
- Yeah?
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50. Um, our situation, you know?
Um, what we mean to each other?
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51. And, I mean, we're having this baby
together, you know, and we live together.
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52. Isn't that... isn't that weird?
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53. Well, uh...
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54. - I'm just kidding; you can go pee. Ha, ha.
- Oh...!
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55. Hey, uh, Monica, I can't remember.
Did we say we were going to meet here
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56. - or at the movie?
- At the movies, but...
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57. - Okay, I'll see you there.
- Joey... now that you're here...
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58. Sure, I can hang out
till I have to meet you.
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59. But how come you're not going?
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60. I can't. I've got a job
interview I got to get ready for.
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61. - I thought you already have a job.
- And people say you don't pay attention.
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62. No, no, this is a much better job.
It's vice president of the company,
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63. that does data reconfiguration
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64. and statistical factoring
and for other companies.
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65. - Wow. How do you know how to do that?
- That's what I do now.
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66. - Hey, Joey, come taste this.
- What is it?
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67. Remember that guy that
gave me a bad review? Well...
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68. I'm getting my revenge.
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69. You cooked him?
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70. No. He teaches a course on food
criticism at The New School.
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71. Before we go to the
movies, I'm going to go
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72. there and make him try
my bouillabaisse again.
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73. Oh, I can't wait to read the
front page of the Post tomorrow,
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74. "Restaurant reviewer admits,
'I was wrong about Monica.'"
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75. - The front page?
- Mm-hmm.
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76. You really do live in your
own little world, don't you?
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77. Do you, uh, want these things
delivered, Mr. and Mrs. Geller?
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78. - Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
- Heh. No, no, no.
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79. - We're not married.
- We are having a baby together,
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80. but we're not involved.
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81. I mean, uh, we, we, we were
seeing each other a while ago,
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82. but then we were just friends,
and then there was one drunken night...
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83. Or, "Yes, stranger, we'd
like this delivered, please."
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84. - Why don't you fill out this address card?
- Oh, okay.
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85. I noticed you've picked out
a lot of our dinosaur items.
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86. Oh, yeah.
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87. Actually, that's one of the reasons
why we are not a couple.
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88. I chose those. I'm a paleontologist.
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89. Really? That is so cool.
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90. Oh, oh, yeah, don't get
too worked up over it.
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91. I mean, it sounds like he's
a doctor, but he's not.
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92. Oh, no, no. I'm fascinated
by paleontology.
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93. Have you read the new
Walter Alvarez book?
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94. Yeah, heh, I teach
it in my class.
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95. Oh, my God. I'm standing
at a cash register,
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96. I'm holding a credit
card, and I'm bored.
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97. Oh, I love your neighborhood.
There's a great
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98. gym right around the
corner from your building.
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99. - That's my gym.
- I could tell you work out.
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100. A paleontologist who works out.
You're like Indiana Jones.
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101. I am like Indiana Jones.
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102. Hi, Pheebs.
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103. Hey! Oh, how did
baby shopping go?
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104. Oh, it was great. We got
everything that we needed.
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105. Oh, and Ross almost got
something that wasn't on the list.
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106. Ahem, a whore.
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107. - What?
- Well, we were paying for our stuff,
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108. and this sales woman
just started flirting with him.
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109. Can you believe that?
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110. Well, did she know you two
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111. - weren't married?
- Yeah.
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112. Oh, my God. Well, the idea...
a woman flirting with a single man...
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113. - we must alert the church elders.
- No,
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114. you don't understand.
You didn't see how brazen she was.
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115. - It sounds like you're a little jealous.
- No, I'm not.
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116. I... I... I just think it's wrong.
It, I mean, here I am about to pop,
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117. and he's out picking up
some shop girl at Sluts 'R Us?
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118. Is that a real place?
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119. Are they hiring?
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120. - Hey, Phoebe. Fatty.
- Wha...?
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121. Hey, Chandler,
why so fancy?
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122. Well, I got a job interview.
It's kind of a big deal, too.
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123. It's a lot more money,
and I'd be doing data
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124. reconfiguration and
statistical factoring.
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125. Wait, I think I know
someone who does that.
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126. Me. I do that.
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127. So, seriously, do I, do I look okay?
I'm a little nervous.
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128. Oh, yeah, you really,
you look great.
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129. You know, just don't
get your hopes up.
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130. - Why not?
- Well, the interview.
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131. - What about it?
- You know.
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132. You don't make a very
good first impression.
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133. - What?
- Oh, you don't know.
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134. Are you serious?
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135. Yes. When I first met
you, you were, like...
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136. It was, like...
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137. shh!
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138. What is it that I do?
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139. Well, it's just, like, you're trying too
hard... always making jokes, you know?
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140. You just... you come
off a little needy.
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141. Did you like me
when we first met?
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142. Chandler, I'm not
going to lie to you.
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143. But I am going to
run away from you.
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144. Hi. Um, I'm Monica Geller.
I'm the chef at Allessandro's.
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145. Still?
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146. I think the things that you said
about me were really unfair,
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147. and I would like for you to give
my bouillabaisse another chance.
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148. I don't see any reason why
I would do that to myself again.
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149. Either eat it
or be in it.
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150. Spoon?
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151. - So, what do you think?
- I'm torn...
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152. between my integrity and
my desire to avoid a beating.
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153. But I must be honest.
Your soup... is abysmal.
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154. Attagirl! Huh? We should get out of here.
There's a new class coming in.
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155. Welcome to "Introduction to Cooking."
Now, before we start,
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156. can anyone tell me the difference between
a hollandaise and a béarnaise sauce?
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157. - I can.
- Okay, go ahead.
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158. Well, um, they both have an
egg yolk and butter base,
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159. but a béarnaise, um, has shallots,
chervil, and, most importantly, tarragon.
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160. Ha, ha, oh, that's very good.
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161. - What's your name?
- Monica.
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162. - Monica, you go to the head of the class.
- Okay.
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163. Wow, all this stuff
takes up a lot of room.
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164. Hey, how, uh, serious are you
about keeping Ben in your life?
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165. My son? Pretty serious.
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166. Well, hey, Katie.
What are you doing here?
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167. Well, the delivery went out to you,
and I realized they forgot this.
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168. Ah, it must have been fairly obvious, since
it was the only thing left in your store.
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169. Listen... to be honest, home deliveries
aren't really part of my job description.
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170. Oh.
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171. Oh, um... I actually
came here to ask you out.
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172. Oh, wow, uh...
yeah, that sounds great.
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173. Um, I'm just going to put this back in my
pocket... and pretend that didn't happen.
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174. Uh, yeah, actually, I'm free now.
You want to grab some coffee?
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175. - Sure.
- Horny bitch.
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176. No, you're a horny bitch!
No, you're a horny bitch!
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177. No, you're a horny bitch...
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178. So, you guys go.
Have a really good time.
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179. Okay, I'm just going to grab my coat.
And, uh, and my whip.
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180. You know, because
of Indiana Jones.
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181. Not, not because
I'm into S&M.
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182. I'm not into anything weird,
you know? Heh.
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183. Just, just normal sex.
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184. So, I'm going to
grab my coat.
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185. So, you had a good day, huh?
Big commission, picked up a daddy.
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186. Are you okay with this?
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187. Oh, yeah. Yeah, please,
you guys have fun.
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188. - Okay. Heh.
- Yeah.
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189. It was nice to see you.
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190. Oh, and it was great to see you, too.
And you look fantastic.
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191. - Ah, heh.
- Although you missed a button.
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192. Oh, uh, actually, I, um...
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193. Oh, okay, I see
what you're doing there.
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194. I can't even believe this.
I really come off that badly?
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195. Oh, it's okay. You calm
down after a while,
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196. and then people can see how really
sweet and wonderful you really are.
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197. Oh, good, good.
Because I'm sure this
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198. interview is going to
last a couple of weeks.
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199. All right, don't freak out, okay?
I, I will help you.
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200. - How long before you have to leave?
- An hour.
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201. - I can't help you.
- Phoebe...
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202. All right, all right, we'll
just do our best, okay?
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203. So, let's say that I'm the interviewer
and I'm meeting you for the first time.
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204. Okay... hi, come on in.
I'm Regina Fellangi.
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205. - Chandler Bing.
- Oh, Bing.
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206. - What an unusual name.
- Well, you should meet my uncle, Bada.
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207. I'll let myself out.
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208. Hi.
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209. Your fettuccine alfredo
looks a little dry.
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210. Did you use all your cheese?
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211. When you say "use," do you mean
"eat as a pre-cooking snack"?
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212. - And the cream?
- Cheese makes me thirsty.
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213. - Okay, let's move on.
- All right.
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214. Ooh, something smells good
over at Monica's station.
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215. Oh, my God! This is absolutely amazing!
You've never made this before?
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216. Oh, no. I don't know
anything about cooking.
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217. I had to ask someone what it was called
when the water makes those little bubbles.
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218. Wow, hats off to the chef.
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219. I'm sorry, your mouth was full.
I didn't hear what you said.
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220. - Hats off to who, now?
- The chef.
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221. Heh, that's right.
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222. I think you'll find if I come to work
here that I don't micromanage.
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223. I don't shy away
from delegating.
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224. Mm-hmm, that's good to know. But let's
stop focusing on what you don't do,
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225. and focus on
what you do do.
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226. What I do do...
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227. is manage to, uh, create
an atmosphere of support
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228. for the people working with me.
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229. I see. Nice sidestep on the
"do do" thing, by the way.
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230. - Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
- Oh, you got to go!
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231. - Okay, don't worry. You're ready.
- Really?
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232. Absolutely. Just fight all your
natural instincts, and you'll be great.
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233. Ah, Monica,
my star student.
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234. Heh. You know, you
called me that before,
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235. so I took the liberty of fashioning
a star out of aluminum foil.
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236. Now, no pressure. If you like my
cookies, you give me the star.
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237. Mm. Mmm-mm-mm...
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238. Wow, a star!
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239. I know you all hate me,
and I'm sorry, but I don't care.
Copy !req
240. - Okay, Joey, you're up next.
- Yeah.
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241. Oh, my God! This is amazing.
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242. You get an A.
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243. I got an A? In school?
Hey, I'm a dork!
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244. Joey, I'm so proud of you.
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245. - I think you should give him your star.
- Excuse me?
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246. - He doesn't even know what he's doing.
- We're all beginners here.
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247. - Nobody knows what they're doing.
- I do. I'm a professional chef.
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248. Oh, relax. It's not
a courtroom drama.
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249. If you're a professional chef, what are you
doing taking Introduction to Cooking?
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250. Yeah!
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251. I'm sorry. It's just that, um...
I cook at this restaurant, Allessandro's,
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252. and, um, I just got
a really bad review.
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253. - Oh, Allessandro's? I love that place!
- You do?
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254. Oh, yes. You're an excellent chef.
As a person, you're a little...
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255. - Oh, totally crazy, but you like the food?
- Ha, ha. Very much.
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256. Okay, then. I don't stink.
I'm a good chef. Okay.
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257. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I don't want to go. I'm having fun.
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258. Actually, did either of you
pay for this class?
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259. Hey, hey, hey, if my friend says
it's time to go, it's time to go.
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260. Also, I was the point person
on my company's transition
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261. from the KL-5
to GR-6 systems.
Copy !req
262. - You must have had your hands full.
- That I did. That I did.
Copy !req
263. So, let's talk a little bit
about your duties.
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264. My doodies?
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265. All right.
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266. You'll be heading a whole division,
so you'll have a lot of duties.
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267. I see.
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268. But there'll be perhaps
30 people under you,
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269. so you can dump
a certain amount on them.
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270. - Good to know.
- We could go into detail...
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271. No, don't, I beg of you.
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272. All right, then. We'll have a definite
answer for you on Monday,
Copy !req
273. but I think I can say with some
confidence, you'll fit in well here.
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274. - Really?
- Absolutely.
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275. - You can relax. You did great.
- I got to say, thank you.
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276. I was really nervous. I've been told I
come on too strong, make too many jokes,
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277. and then it was really hard
to sidestep that "duty" thing.
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278. Duties?
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279. Doodies?
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280. Poo.
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281. Poo?
Copy !req
282. Oh, my God, this doesn't count, okay?
The interview was over.
Copy !req
283. That was the real Chandler Bing in there.
This is some crazy guy out in the hall.
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284. Call security! There's a crazy
guy out in the hall!
Copy !req
285. Poo?
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286. I'll look forward to your call.
Copy !req
287. - Hi.
- Hey,
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288. - you're back from your date.
- How are you?
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289. I'm fine, but that's not important.
What's important is how was she?
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290. Uh, it was fun. We just had coffee.
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291. Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Coffee,
a little rub-rub-rub under the table?
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292. Heh, what's going on?
Do you not like Katie?
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293. No, no, she... she was nice.
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294. I mean, she was a little slutty,
but who isn't?
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295. Well, I liked her.
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296. Of course you did, Ross. You would date
a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones.
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297. Did you get, like, a fresh batch
of pregnancy hormones today?
Copy !req
298. No, it's just that...
Katie bothered me.
Copy !req
299. Why? What was wrong with her?
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300. Ugh, there was nothing wrong with her,
all right? She was perfectly lovely.
Copy !req
301. - Okay, so, what's the matter?
- I don't want you to date her.
Copy !req
302. Heh, what? Why?
What, are you jealous?
Copy !req
303. Yes. And not because
I want you to go out with me,
Copy !req
304. because I don't want you
to go out with anybody. Okay?
Copy !req
305. I know it's a terrible thing to even think
this and it's completely inappropriate,
Copy !req
306. but I want you to be at my constant
beck and call, 24 hours a day.
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307. I'm very sorry, but that is
just the way that I feel.
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308. - Okay.
- What?
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309. I won't date. I'll, uh...
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310. I'll be here with you,
all the time.
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311. Really?
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312. But I'm being
so unreasonable.
Copy !req
313. True, but you're allowed to be
unreasonable. You're having our baby.
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314. Oh...
Copy !req
315. oh, Ross, thank you,
thank you.
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316. You feel better?
Copy !req
317. No, not really. You're pressing
the baby into my bladder,
Copy !req
318. and now I have to pee. Sorry.
Copy !req
319. Okay. Uh, Rach?
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320. - Yeah?
- Just one thing. Um...
Copy !req
321. we live together, you're having our
baby... I'm not going to see anybody else.
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322. Are you sure you don't
want something more?
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323. Wow. I don't know, maybe...
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324. Oh, Rach, I was just
messing around. Heh.
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325. Like you did last night
when I had to pee?
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326. Oh! Ha! I knew that,
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327. I knew that. I was just
messing with you, too.
Copy !req
328. Okay, okay, because for
a minute you seemed...
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329. - No, no, no, no! No! It's just... ha!
- Like you actually...
Copy !req
330. That's just 'cause
I'm such a good messer.
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331. Ah! Ah, heh.
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332. - Rach?
- Yeah?
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333. - The bathroom?
- Right.
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334. I had a great time. I learned
how to bake, ate great food.
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335. It's the first A I've gotten
since seventh grade and
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336. I didn't have to sleep with
the teacher this time.
Copy !req
337. - Oh, look, acting for beginners.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
338. Hey, want to feel good
about yourself?
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339. - What the hell.
- Okay.
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340. All right, let's start
with some basics.
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341. Can anybody tell me what the difference
between upstage and downstage is?
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342. Yeah, this wa
a stupid idea.
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