1. - Hi.
- Hey.
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2. So, what's the final head count
on my baby shower?
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3. About 20. A couple people from work
who had something else to do.
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4. Also, your sisters called,
neither can make it.
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5. What? You mean they're not coming
to a social event...
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6. where there's no men and no booze?
That's shocking.
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7. Well, I don't care.
As long as my mom's here.
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8. - Oh, my God. Your mother.
- What, my mom's not gonna be here?
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9. Well, given that we forgot to invite her...
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10. it would be an awfully big coincidence
if she was.
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11. Oh, my God.
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12. Well, it wasn't my fault.
Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
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13. Well, I don't have a mother.
So often I forget other people—
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14. Oh, give it a rest.
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15. So my mother is not coming
to my baby shower?
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16. No.
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17. Neither is mine.
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18. You know what? Don't worry.
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19. Okay? We'll take care of it. We'll call her.
You go home and get ready.
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20. Please make sure she comes.
It's really important to me. It's my mom.
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21. - I know. What's her number?
- I don't know.
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22. Go. I have it in my book. Go.
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23. Wait a minute. If you're in charge
of invitations, why am I calling her?
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24. Hello, Mrs. Green.
Hi, uh, it's Monica Geller.
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25. - Oh, hello, Monica.
Hi.
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26. Um, I know this is last-minute, but we've
decided to throw an impromptu...
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27. - ... baby shower for Rachel today.
- I know. My daughters told me about it...
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28. when they received their impromptu
invitations a month ago.
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29. - Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
For what, dear?
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30. For not inviting me,
or for lying about it?
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31. Oh, my God. My ass is sweating.
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32. Please, please, can you come?
It's today at 4.
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33. - Well, all right. I'll see you at 4.
- Thank you.
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34. - Isn't it at 3?
- Son of a bitch.
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35. - Hey, Joe. Wanna shoot some hoops?
Hey.
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36. No, I can't go, I'm practicing. I got an
audition to be the host of a game show.
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37. - Cool.
- Great.
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38. Yeah, and if I get it, by day,
I'll be Dr. Drake Ramoray.
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39. But by night, I'll be Joey Tribbiani.
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40. You'll be perfect for this.
That's already your name.
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41. The audition's in a couple hours,
and I don't even understand the game.
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42. Do you want some help?
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43. Oh, really? That'd be great.
Hey, you guys can be the contestants.
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44. Awesome.
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45. Okay, I guess we can lose
to junior-high girls some other time.
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46. - All right. Let's play Bamboozled.
- Bamboozled?
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47. Isn't that a cool name?
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48. Yeah.
No.
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49. All right. Uh, okay.
Our first contestant is Ross Geller.
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50. Why don't you tell us a little bit
about yourself, Ross?
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51. Well, uh, I'm a paleontologist.
Um, I live in New York.
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52. I have a son, Ben. Uh, hi, Ben. And, uh—
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53. I said a little bit, Ross.
Now, how about you, Chandler?
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54. Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists...
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55. with rogue Third World nations.
Hi, Rasputin.
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56. Excellent. Let's play Bamboozled.
Chandler, you'll go first.
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57. - What is the capital of Colombia?
- Bogoté.
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58. It's Bogoda, but close enough.
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59. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross
or pick a Wicked Wango Card.
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60. - What does a Wicked Wango Card do?
- I should know that.
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61. Let's see.
Just one moment, please, um...
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62. Here we are. A Wicked Wango Card
determines whether you go higher or lower.
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63. Higher or lower than what?
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64. - This is embarrassing.
- Can you believe how lame this is?
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65. I'm sorry. I don't believe contestants
are allowed to talk to each other.
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66. Oh, I told the stripper to be here at 5.
That's good, right?
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67. You ordered a stripper for the shower?
That is totally inappropriate.
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68. Why? He's gonna be dressed as a baby.
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69. Oh, hi, Mrs. Green.
I'm so glad you could make it.
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70. Yes, thank you so much.
And again, we're so sorry.
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71. We could not feel worse about it.
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72. Try.
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73. There's my little girl.
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74. - She's still mad.
- Yeah, I know.
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75. Isn't it great? One less person
we have to make small talk with.
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76. Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too.
It doesn't bother you?
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77. Look, we've apologized twice.
I can't do any more than that.
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78. I know you hate it when people
are mad at you...
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79. but, you know,
you just have to be okay with it.
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80. Okay. I can do that. Heh.
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81. - I gotta go powder my ass.
- Oh.
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82. Look at that face.
Just like when you were in high school.
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83. If I didn't know better,
I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble.
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84. - Come on, let's get some tea.
- Okay.
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85. Ooh, my. Look at that.
Only three weeks to go.
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86. Now, have you picked your nanny yet?
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87. I don't want you to just use
your housekeeper...
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88. because it'll just split her focus.
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89. Oh. Actually, I'm not gonna use a nanny.
And, uh, I don't even have a housekeeper.
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90. It's like you're a cave person.
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91. Rachel, you must get a nanny.
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92. You don't know how overwhelming
this is gonna be.
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93. When you were a baby,
I had full-time help. I had Mrs. K.
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94. Mrs. K. Oh, yeah, she was sweet.
She taught me Spanish.
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95. I actually think
I remember some of it:
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96. - Such a sweet woman.
- Yeah.
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97. Well, however great she was,
I just can't afford that.
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98. - Oh, Rachel.
- What?
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99. I just had the greatest idea.
I'm gonna come live with you.
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100. What? What?
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101. Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna
do this for my little girl.
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102. Aw, look at you.
You have tears in your eyes.
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103. Yes, yes, I do.
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104. All right, Ross, you're in the lead.
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105. Would you like to take another question,
or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
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106. The Wheel has not been
my friend tonight, Joey. Uh...
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107. I'll take another question.
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108. Okay. This is gonna be tough.
Hold your breath.
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109. It's okay. I'm ready.
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110. No, dude, you gotta hold your breath
till you're ready to answer the question.
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111. - It's part of the game.
- This is ridiculous. He's not gonna hold—
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112. Okay. What do you have a fear of
if you suffer from this phobia? Triska...
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113. Holy cow. That's a big word. Tris...
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114. Seriously, look at this thing, Chandler.
How do you say that?
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115. - Let me see that.
- This one right here.
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116. - Triskaidekaphobia.
- Fear of Triscuits.
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117. - No. No. Fear of the number 13.
- Fear of Triscuits?
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118. It's possible.
They have really sharp edges.
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119. All right, Chandler, you're up.
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120. Wait a minute. I believe I'm entitled
to use my Angel Pass for a free turn.
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121. - This game makes no sense.
- You're just upset because you're losing.
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122. Oh, come on, Ross.
I think we're all losers here.
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123. All right. Chandler, you can either
spin the Wheel or pick a Google Card.
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124. Let me think, let me think.
Oh, uh, I don't care.
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125. You must choose, Mr. Bing.
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126. - Either. It makes no difference.
- Choose, you jackass.
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127. - I'll take a card.
- Okay, you picked the Gimme Card.
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128. - You get all of Ross' points.
- What?
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129. This game is kind of fun.
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130. You don't think it's a little crazy
that you get all my points—?
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131. I don't think the contestants
are supposed to speak to each other.
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132. - Why did you invite my mother?
What?
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133. She wants to move in with me and Ross
to help take care of the baby.
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134. - For how long?
- Eight weeks.
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135. I mean, I love my mother, but, my God,
a long lunch with her is taxing.
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136. I personally would be honored
if she wanted to live with me.
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137. She can't hear you.
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138. You guys, come on.
What am I gonna do?
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139. If you don't want your mother
to move in with you, just tell her.
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140. You're right. You're right.
I'm about to have a baby.
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141. I can tell my mother that I don't want her
to be sleeping on my couch.
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142. Oh, my God. She's gonna wanna sleep
in my bed with me. This cannot happen.
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143. That's right. That is right.
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144. You go over there and tell her
you do not want her to live with you.
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145. - Do not take no for an answer.
- Okay.
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146. This is great.
Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel.
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147. And I'm just gonna swoop in there
and be like the daughter she never had.
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148. I have new respect for Chandler.
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149. All right, everybody.
It's time to open the presents.
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150. Yes, and I think that the first gift
that Rachel opens...
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151. should be from the grandmother
of the baby.
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152. Because you're the most important person
in this room. And in the world.
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153. Well, um, I don't have a gift because
I wasn't invited until the last minute.
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154. But thank you so much, dear,
for bringing that to everybody's attention.
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155. How about you less important people?
Let's open your presents.
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156. - Mom, it's okay that you didn't get a gift.
- Well, I kind of did.
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157. - Me. Eight weeks of me.
- Yeah.
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158. Okay. See, Mom, the truth is,
I can do this on my own.
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159. Sweetheart, I know you're gonna be
a terrific mom.
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160. I just think you need a little help,
especially at the beginning.
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161. But, Mom, I really know what I'm doing.
I can handle this.
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162. Really? Remember Twinkles?
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163. He was a hamster.
I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby.
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164. Okay, come on, Rach.
It's present time.
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165. You know, you're the glue
holding this whole party together.
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166. It's kind of falling apart here.
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167. - Ooh, look.
Wow.
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168. This is from your friends at work.
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169. Ooh, my gosh. Oh, wow.
Oh, I know what this is.
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170. Wait a minute.
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171. That can't be right.
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172. Is that a beer bong for a baby?
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173. Darling, that's a breast pump.
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174. Heh. Did I say I was done guessing?
Okay, thank you for that.
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175. Ooh, wow. What's this?
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176. - It's a Diaper Genie.
- Oh, it dispenses clean diapers.
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177. No, it's where you put dirty ones.
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178. Well, that's gross. Why don't you just
take it outside and throw it in a Dumpster?
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179. - You're gonna do that 10 times a day?
- What, it goes 10 times a day?
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180. What are we feeding this baby,
Indian food?
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181. No, dear. That's what babies do.
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182. Rachel, listen to your mother.
She is very smart.
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183. Plus, what are you planning on doing with
the baby while you trot out to the garbage?
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184. I don't know,
I'd leave it on the changing table?
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185. - What? What did I do? What did I do?
- You can't leave a baby alone.
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186. Of course, I know that.
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187. I mean, of course you never
leave a baby alone. Ha, ha.
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188. I mean, it would—
She wouldn't be safe.
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189. You know, not as safe as she would be
with me, the baby dummy. Ha, ha.
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190. Okay, you know what? Opening the
presents is a little overwhelming right now.
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191. So I think, um, I'm just gonna maybe
open them all a little bit later.
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192. But thank you all for coming,
and for these beautiful gifts...
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193. - ... and this basket is beautiful.
- It's actually a bassinet.
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194. Okay, Mommy, don't ever leave me.
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195. In what John Huston film
would you hear this line:
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196. "Badges? We don't need
no stinking badges."
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197. - Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
- Correct.
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198. There's a possible Backwards Bonus.
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199. - Madre Sierra the of Treasure.
- Yes.
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200. I'd like to go up the Ladder of Chance
to the Golden Mud Hut, please.
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201. - Wise choice. How many rungs?
- Six.
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202. - That noise can only mean one thing.
Hungry Monkey.
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203. - I'd like a Wicked Wango Card.
- Okay. It's an audio question.
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204. Name this television theme song:
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205. Oh. Oh, my God. Okay, I know this.
Give me a second.
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206. - Tell it to the Time Turtle.
- Shut up.
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207. - I Dream of Jeannie.
- Yes. Yes, you're back in the lead.
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208. Uh, I'd like to spin the Wheel.
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209. Oh, come on.
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210. Uh, uh, Super Speedy Speed Round.
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211. - Is there a Hopping Bonus?
- Of course.
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212. - Who invented bifocals?
- Ben Franklin.
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213. Correct. Which monarch
has ruled Great Britain the longest?
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214. - Queen Victoria.
- Correct again.
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215. But you forgot to switch legs between
questions. So no Hopping Bonus.
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216. - Oh! Every time.
- Yeah.
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217. - Now over to Chandler.
- I'd like a Google Card.
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218. - Are you sure?
- Yes. No. Google.
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219. Oh, my God. Congratulations, Ross.
Because, Chandler...
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220. - ... you've been Bamboozled.
- No!
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221. - Yes!
- This is the best game ever!
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222. So, um, you're gonna stay with me
as long as I need you?
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223. - Of course I am.
- Mom, I swear I'm not an idiot.
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224. I read all kinds of books on pregnancy
and giving birth.
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225. But I just didn't think to read the part
about what to do when the baby comes.
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226. And, guess what, the baby's coming...
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227. and I don't know what to do.
Oh, can I throw up in my Diaper Genie?
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228. Oh, sweetie, you're gonna be fine.
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229. - Wait, where you going?
- I'm going to the bathroom.
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230. Now, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay.
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231. It is gonna be okay.
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232. Worth a shot.
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233. - Hey.
Hey.
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234. Why are you all red and sweaty?
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235. I just Bamboozled Chandler.
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236. Which is not a sexual thing.
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237. - Well, that was a quick shower.
- Not if you were here.
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238. Wow, looks like we got
a lot of good stuff.
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239. We did. But my mom got us
the greatest gift of all.
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240. A Play-Doh Barbershop?
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241. No. She's going to live with us
for eight weeks.
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242. What?
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243. Yes. She's gonna help us
take care of the baby. Woo-hoo.
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244. You're not serious.
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245. I mean, she's a very nice woman...
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246. but there's no way we can take
eight weeks of her.
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247. - She'll drive us totally crazy—
- Hi, Ross.
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248. Hey, roomie.
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249. Hey, Joey, hi, I'm Ray.
I'm the producer of the show.
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250. It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray.
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251. And this is Duncan and Erin.
They're gonna help out with the audition.
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252. So let's get the camera rolling.
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253. - Righty-0, Ray.
- Whenever you're ready.
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254. Hello. I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Let's play Bamboozled.
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255. Erin, you get the first question. In hockey,
who is known as "The Great One"?
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256. - Wayne Gretzky.
- Correct.
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257. Now, would you like to pick a Wicked
Wango Card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
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258. Uh, Joey, didn't your agents
give you the revised rules?
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259. We've eliminated all that.
No wheel. No cards.
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260. What? Why?
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261. Well, the game was too complicated and
research showed people didn't follow it.
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262. What's complicated? You spin the Wheel
of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance...
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263. past the Mud Hut through the
Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey.
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264. You yank his tail, and boom,
you're in Paradise Pond.
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265. Yeah. All that's gone.
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266. Um, it's basically just a simple
question-and-answer game now.
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267. Well, what's fun about that?
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268. You expect me to be the host
of a boring game...
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269. that's just people standing around
answering questions?
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270. Well, there'll be women in bikinis
holding up the scores.
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271. Let's play Bamboozled.
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272. And all those dinosaur
knickknacks you have...
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273. Ross, I thought they might be
more at home in the garage.
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274. - Well, we don't have a garage.
- Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
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275. You know what, Mrs. Green? Maybe it's
not absolutely vital that you live with us.
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276. - Well, Rachel needs help with the baby.
- I do. I really do. I don't know anything.
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277. I'm sure that's not true.
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278. Oh, no? Pheebs, Monica,
do I know anything about babies?
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279. - Nope. Not a thing.
- Mm-mm. It's frightening.
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280. Well, um, you know what?
Even if she doesn't know anything, I do.
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281. I have a son.
His mother and I didn't live together.
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282. Whenever he was with me,
I took care of him all the time, by myself.
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283. - That's true. You do have another child.
- Yeah.
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284. With another woman.
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285. Have you no control, Ross?
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286. That's a different issue.
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287. Um, the point is, when the baby comes,
I will be there to feed her...
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288. and bathe her and change her.
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289. And more than that,
I want to do all those things.
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290. Well, then you don't need me
to live with you.
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291. Yes!
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292. Yes. You're gonna be so missed.
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293. You're gonna be a great father.
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294. Well, you're gonna be
a wonderful grandma.
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295. Hello? I still don't know
what the hell I'm doing.
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296. Come on, every first-time mother
feels that way.
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297. You're gonna pick it up. Hey, you will.
Look, when you first came to the city...
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298. you were this spoiled,
helpless little girl...
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299. who still used Daddy's credit cards,
remember?
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300. I hope you're going somewhere with this.
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301. Look at you. You're this big executive.
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302. You are much more capable
than you give yourself credit for.
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303. I have no doubt you're gonna
be an incredible mother.
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304. - Really?
- I'm telling you.
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305. Thank you.
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306. All right, you two. I'm gonna get going.
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307. Oh.
- Oh, no, sweetheart, you stay put.
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308. I'll let myself out. It's like I'm not here.
Which I almost wasn't.
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309. You're just so funny. You're so funny.
What do I do?
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310. Nothing. You have apologized
to her like a million times.
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311. And she's been nothing
but terrible to you.
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312. And don't forget,
you just threw her daughter...
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313. a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower.
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314. - And she hasn't even thanked you for it.
- You know what? You're right.
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315. Yeah, I mean, if you wanna
say anything to her, I'd tell her off.
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316. - Really?
- Uh-huh.
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317. Okay, I will.
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318. Mrs. Green?
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319. Mrs. Green?
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320. It is rude to leave a party
without saying goodbye to the host.
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321. And also, when someone
apologizes to you...
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322. the decent thing to do is to accept it.
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323. Because what I did to you,
it wasn't on purpose.
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324. But what you're doing to me now
is plain spiteful.
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325. - Spiteful?
That's right.
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326. Maybe it's time you took a good,
hard look in the mirror, young lady.
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327. Old lady.
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328. Lady.
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329. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap it up.
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330. So whenever you're ready to apologize
to me, I will forgive you. Good day.
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331. I can't feel my legs.
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332. You were fantastic.
I'm so proud of you.
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333. - Yeah? I'm proud of me too.
- You should be.
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334. - Could you get me something to drink?
- You got it.
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335. Mrs. Green? Okay, I'm really sorry.
I apologize. If you just— Aah!
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336. Okay. I bit my tongue.
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337. But I'm still really sorry.
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338. - Okay, I'm ready.
- You sure?
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339. Yes. I've done my studying,
and I really know my stuff.
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340. All right, then.
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341. Rachel Green, let's play Bamboozled.
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342. How do you test the temperature
of the baby's bathwater?
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343. - Uh, put your elbow in it.
- Excellent.
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344. - How do you put a baby down for a nap?
- Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
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345. That's correct.
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346. This is an audio question. What do you do
when a baby makes this sound:
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347. Uh, check if it's wet,
check if it's hungry, burp it.
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348. Excellent. Now, do you want another
question or a Wicked Wango Card?
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349. - A card. A card. I pick a card.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
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350. You've been Bamboozled.
You're gonna be a terrible mother.
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351. I've lost sight of why
we're doing this.
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