1. - Hi.
Hi.
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2. So I'm in my apartment doing
the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle...
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3. and guess who is the clue
for three down?
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4. Three down. "Days of Our Lives star,
blank Tribbiani."
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5. That's me! I'm blank! Hey.
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6. How cool is. We know three down.
I'm touching three down.
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7. Yeah, you are, baby.
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8. Three down knows I'm married.
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9. - What's three down doing?
- Sorry.
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10. So do they call you to tell you
your name's gonna be in this?
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11. No. They really liked me there.
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12. They wanted to do a profile on me.
I said no.
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13. Why'd you say no?
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14. Remember what happened
the last time I did an interview?
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15. I said I write a lot of my own lines,
then the writers got mad...
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16. and made my character fell down
the elevator shaft.
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17. So who knows
what I might say this time?
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18. If only there was something in your head
to control the things you say.
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19. Oh, come on, Joey,
you'll totally keep it in check this time.
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20. And plus, you know, the publicity
would be really good for your career.
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21. And you deserve that.
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22. And if you do the interview,
you could mention...
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23. oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green.
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24. Is that "gal pal" spelled L-O-S-E-R?
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25. Okay, don't listen to him. Please?
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26. Fine, all right, I'll do it.
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27. But, hey. You guys have to be
at the next table...
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28. so you can stop me if I,
you know, start to say something stupid.
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29. Just then or all the time?
Because we have jobs, you know?
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30. Come on, we will be there for you
the whole time. Just remember:
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31. Gal pal, Rachel Green.
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32. I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest.
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33. And not just in the dumb
crossword puzzle.
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34. - Seriously, proud of you.
- Yeah.
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35. I really appreciate you
taking the time to do this.
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36. Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.
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37. You think we're being obvious?
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38. No. We're just four people with
neck problems, who talk like this.
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39. I think it's great
that you wanted to meet here.
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40. When most people hear
that the magazine's paying for it...
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41. they want a big, fancy restaurant.
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42. Actually, I didn't know
the magazine was paying.
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43. Wouldn't have mattered.
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44. I'm doing this for the fans,
not the free food. Ha, ha.
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45. - Can I get you anything?
- I'll have a cup of coffee.
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46. Yeah, and I'll have all the muffins.
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47. - Hey.
- Shh. We're not talking.
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48. Oh, finally. Ugh.
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49. So according to your bio, you've done
quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives.
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50. Anything that you're
particularly proud of?
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51. All you want is a dingle
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52. What you envy's a shwang
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53. A thing through which you can tinkle
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54. Or play with, or simply let hang
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55. Folks, this ever happen to you?
You go to the fridge to get a glass of milk...
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56. but these darn cartons
are so fringing-flanging hard to open.
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57. Boy, you said it, Mike. I don't—
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58. Oh, oh.
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59. - There's gotta be a better way.
- And there is, Kevin.
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60. He's never used this product before.
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61. You're gonna see how easy this is to do.
Go ahead.
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62. - This works in any milk carton.
- Wow, it is easy.
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63. - Now I can have milk every day.
Ah.
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64. So this is it, Victor?
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65. Yeah, I guess it is. And so...
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66. I'm gonna get on this spaceship...
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67. and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7
in search of alternative fuels.
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68. But when I return 200 years from now,
you'll be long gone.
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69. But I won't have aged at all.
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70. So you tell your great-great-
granddaughter to look me up.
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71. Because, Adrian...
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72. ."baby".
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73. I'm gonna want to meet her.
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74. Shh, shh. Okay, here I come. Here I come.
See, I'm coming to fix the copier.
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75. I can't get to the copier. I'm thinking,
"What do I do? What do I do?"
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76. So I just watch them have sex.
And then I say— Wait, here's my line:
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77. You know, that's bad for the paper tray.
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78. - Nice work, my friend.
- Wait, wait, wait, you see me again.
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79. Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me.
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80. There I am. There I am. There I am.
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81. Well, there are so many things,
you know, it's hard to pickjust one.
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82. - I'm gonna get some coffee. Want anything?
Oh, yeah.
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83. - A blueberry muffin and chamomile tea.
- Double latte, extra foam.
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84. - And a bagel with only—
- I was just being polite.
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85. Okay. How about
when you're not working?
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86. What do you do in your spare time?
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87. Look at this clown.
Just because he's got a bigger boat...
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88. he thinks he can
take up the whole river.
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89. Get out of the way, jackass!
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90. Who names their boat
Coast Guard, anyway?
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91. That is the Coast Guard.
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92. What are they doing out here?
The coast is all the way over there.
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93. - Hi.
- Hey, check it out. This is unbelievable.
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94. Joey has been holding his breath
for almost four minutes.
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95. Dude, are you trying to kill me?
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96. Well, I see you've had
a very productive day.
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97. Don't you think the cowboy hat
is a little much?
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98. Come on, it's fun.
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99. All right.
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100. Isn't this a woman's hat?
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101. Dude, stop talking crazy
and make us some tea.
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102. You know what?
We have to turn off the porn.
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103. I think you're right.
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104. All right, ready?
One.
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105. Two, three.
Three.
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106. That's kind of nice.
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107. - Yeah, it's kind of a relief.
- Yeah.
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108. - You wanna see if we still have it?
- Yeah.
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109. - Free porn! We have free porn here!
- Yeah.
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110. In my spare time,
I, uh, read to the blind.
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111. And I'm also a mento for kids.
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112. - A mento?
- You know, a mento. A role model.
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113. - A mento?
- Right.
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114. - Like the candy?
- As a matter of fact, I do.
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115. Well, um, another thing that our readers
always want to know...
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116. is how soap stars
stay in such great shape.
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117. Do you have some kind
of a fitness regime?
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118. Uh, we stars usually just try to eat right
and get lots of exercise.
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119. Wow, you realize we've been throwing
this ball without dropping it for an hour?
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120. Are you serious?
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121. I realized it a half-hour ago,
but I didn't want to say anything...
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122. because I didn't want to jinx it.
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123. - Wow, we are pretty good at this.
- Yeah.
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124. Hey, we totally forgot about lunch.
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125. Oh. I think that's the first time
I've ever missed a meal.
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126. Yeah, I think my pants are a little loose.
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127. What's wrong with you?
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128. Oh, I got this blinding pain in my stomach
when I was lifting weights before.
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129. And then I, uh, passed out.
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130. I haven't been able to stand up since.
Ha, ha. But I don't think it's serious.
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131. This sounds like a hernia.
You have to— Go to the doctor.
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132. No way.
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133. Look, if I go to the doctor for anything...
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134. it's gonna be for this thing
sticking out of my stomach.
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135. Why'd I have to start working out again?
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136. Damn you, 15's.
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137. - What is it?
- It's a trifle. It's got all of these layers.
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138. First, there's a layer of ladyfingers,
then a layer of jam.
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139. Then custard,
which I made from scratch.
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140. Then raspberries, more ladyfingers...
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141. then beef sautéed
with peas and onions.
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142. Then a little bit more custard.
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143. It tastes like feet.
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144. I like it.
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145. - Are you kidding?
- What's not to like? Custard, good.
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146. Jam, good. Meat, good.
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147. Well, you don't look good, Joe.
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148. Well, the fridge broke,
so I had to eat everything.
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149. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes.
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150. Hey, what was in that brown jar?
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151. - That's still in there?
- Not anymore.
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152. Oh, look. There's a piece
that doesn't have floor on it.
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153. - Stick to your side.
- Hey, come on, now.
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154. All right, what are we having?
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155. Uh, I don't believe in these crazy diets.
You know, just everything in moderation.
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156. - Your muffins.
- Uh...
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157. I'll take those to go.
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158. For the kids.
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159. Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.
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160. You were on the show years ago
and then they killed you off.
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161. What happened there?
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162. Oh, it's so stupid.
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163. I said some stuff in an interview
that I shouldn't have said.
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164. But believe me,
that is not gonna happen today.
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165. Understood.
So, what did you say back then?
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166. Oh, I said that I—
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167. GROUP
Hey, Joey! How you doing?
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168. You guys, this is Shelly. She's
interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest.
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169. Hi.
- Shelly, these are my friends.
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170. Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green.
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171. Um, and if you want the dirt,
I'm the one you come to.
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172. This might be Joey's baby, who knows?
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173. I'm just kidding.
Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green.
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174. Who just lost the respect
of her unborn child.
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175. - I'm gonna go get this warmed up.
- Okay.
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176. - Joey, you're doing great.
- So far, nothing stupid.
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177. - Mento?
- No, thanks.
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178. So as Joey's friends...
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179. is there anything you think
our readers ought to know?
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180. Uh, no, just that he is a great guy.
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181. Yeah, that's gonna get you
into Soap Opera Digest.
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182. Well, I—
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183. I would just like to say that Joey...
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184. truly has enriched
the days of our lives.
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185. Um, I just think that you don't expect
someone so hot to be so sweet.
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186. - Oh, I like that. What's your name?
- Phoebe Buffay.
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187. How do you spell that?
So we can get it right.
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188. Okay, it's P as in Phoebe.
H as in Heebie.
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189. O as in Obie. E as in Ebie.
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190. B as in Beebee.
And E as in, "'ello there, mate."
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191. Great.
Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
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192. - Yeah, you too.
- Thanks, you guys.
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193. Bye.
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194. So it seems like
you have a lot of friends.
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195. - Yeah.
- Who would you say is your best friend?
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196. How come you have two?
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197. Well, this one's for you.
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198. - Get out.
- No, I can't.
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199. No, no. Listen,
I know how much this means to you.
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200. And I also know this is about
more than jewelry.
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201. It's about you and me
and the fact that we're best buds.
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202. Wow. Is this friendship? I think so.
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203. Check it out. We're bracelet buddies.
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204. That's what they'll call us.
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205. - Oh, Joey. I'm sorry.
- It's all right. Don't worry about it.
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206. No, but look.
Oh, that's gonna leave a stain.
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207. Rach, hey, it's fine. You're at Joey's.
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208. - Really?
- Yeah, look.
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209. - Ha.
- Yeah.
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210. - I've never lived like this before.
- I know.
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211. Whoo! Ha, ha.
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212. Well, don't waste it.
I mean, it's still food. Jeez.
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213. I've been feeling guilty about this.
I wanna be a good friend...
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214. and damn it, I am a good friend.
So shut up and close your eyes.
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215. Yeah, uh—
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216. Wow.
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217. You are a good friend.
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218. Of course, the audition was this morning,
and I didn't get it.
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219. But that was a hell of a kiss.
Rachel is a very lucky girl.
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220. Let's get the contestants
out of their isolation booths.
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221. And they're off. Oh.
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222. Get your foot off my contestant.
Judge.
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223. - Judge rules: No violation.
- Oh.
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224. - The duck gets the Nutter Butter.
- No. Wait, that's not a Nutter Butter.
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225. - That's an old wonton.
- Judge rules: Nutter Butter.
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226. - Oh. Tough call.
- Yeah.
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227. I had seen this thing
on the Discovery Channel.
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228. Wait a minute. I saw that.
On the Discovery Channel.
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229. Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you—
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230. Ew. You peed on yourself?
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231. Ew.
- You can't say that. You don't know.
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232. I mean, I thought I was gonna pass out
from the pain.
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233. Anyway, I tried,
but I couldn't bend that way.
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234. O
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235. GROUP
Ew.
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236. That's right, I stepped up.
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237. She's my friend and she needed help.
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238. If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
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239. Uh, nope. No best friend.
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240. No, just a lot of close friends. Yeah.
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241. So, uh, now back to the show.
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242. How does it feel
to have a huge gay fan base?
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243. Really? Me?
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244. Wow, I don't even know
any huge gay people.
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245. It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
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246. Now, off the record, you're not...
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247. What? Are you referring
to my man's bag?
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248. At first, I thought it just looked good,
but it's practical too. Check it out.
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249. It's got compartments for all your stuff:
your wallet, your keys, your address book.
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250. Your makeup.
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251. Now, should I climb down your front
so we're face to face...
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252. or should I climb down your back
so we're butt to face?
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253. - I think face is best.
- Yeah, face to face.
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254. Okay, here I come.
- All right.
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255. Oh, my—
How much do you weigh, Ross?
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256. I'd prefer not to answer that right now.
I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
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257. You know, when we talked about
face to face...
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258. I don't think we thought it
all the way through.
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259. - Hey, Pheebs.
- Hey.
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260. Check it out.
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261. Huh?
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262. - How much of a man am I?
- Wow.
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263. Nice. Manly and also kind of a slut.
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264. You're turning into a woman.
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265. No, I'm not. Why would you say that?
That's just mean.
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266. Now I've upset you? What did I say?
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267. Not what you said,
it's just the way you said it.
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268. Oh, my God! I'm a woman!
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269. - Great nap.
- It really was.
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270. Me? Gay? No. No. No.
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271. Uh, but I have a number
of close friends who are.
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272. So let's talk about women.
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273. I'm sure our female readers will be
interested to know about your romantic life.
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274. Oh, what I do is, I look a woman
up and down and I say:
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275. "Hey. How you doing?"
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276. Oh, please.
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277. Hey. How you doing?
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278. Hey. How you doing?
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279. He has the most amazing Porsche
under there.
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280. I'd love to show you, but I just
tucked her in. She's sleeping.
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281. Hey, would you two girls
like to go for a drink?
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282. - Is Rachel here? I'm her sister.
- Oh, my God. Jill.
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283. - Oh, my God. Rachel.
- Oh, hi.
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284. - Oh, my God. Introduce us.
- Well, this is Chandler.
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285. - Hi.
- You know Monica and Ross.
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286. Hi.
- And that's Phoebe. And that's Joey.
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287. - Hey, how you doing?
- Don't!
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288. You're a really nice guy...
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289. and I'm happy to be
your roommate and your friend.
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290. I'm just... You know,
I just don't feel that way about you.
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291. Oh, I see what happened. Ha, ha.
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292. It's because I was trying
to repel you. Right?
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293. Believe me, you'd feel
a lot different if I turned it on.
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294. - I don't think so.
- Oh, I do.
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295. How you doing?
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296. I'm okay.
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297. What? Oh, dear God.
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298. Not much to tell there. I'm really shy.
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299. So that's it. I guess that's all I need.
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300. Thank you so much.
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301. I think they will be running this
in the beginning of next month.
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302. Oh, great. Great. Thank you.
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303. - Bye.
'Bye-bye.
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304. - I did it.
Amazing.
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305. Oh, wait, I almost forgot.
We have to ask everybody this:
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306. Other than Days of Our Lives,
what's your favorite soap opera?
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307. Oh, I don't watch soap operas.
Excuse me? I have a life, you know?
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308. Thank you.
The readers at Soap Opera Digest...
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309. will be happy to learn that.
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310. Oh. Good enough.
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311. So close.
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312. Wow, I can't believe
they didn't put in the part...
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313. where you said you didn't
watch soap operas.
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314. Yeah, I called the lady about that.
I told her I was joking.
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315. She was pretty nice about it.
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316. - You slept with her, didn't you?
- A little bit. Yeah.
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317. Wow.
This picture of you sure is steamy.
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318. Oh, yeah, that's just a little something
for my huge gay fan base.
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319. Did you just wink at me?
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320. Hey, you're the one
who loves the picture.
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