1. Oh, Ross, Mon, is it
okay if I bring someone
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2. to your parents'
anniversary party?
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3. - Sure, yeah.
- Yeah.
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4. - Who's the guy?
- Well, his name's Parker,
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5. and I met him at
the dry cleaners.
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6. Ooh, did he put a little
starch in your bloomers?
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7. Who said that?
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8. No, he's really great, though.
He has this incredible zest for life.
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9. And he treats me
like a queen.
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10. Except at night, when he treats
me like the naughty girl I am.
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11. Oh, by the way, would it be okay if I
give the toast to Mom and Dad this year?
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12. Uh, yeah. Are you sure you want to
after what happened at their 20th?
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13. Yeah, I'd really like to.
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14. Okay. Hopefully this
time Mom won't boo you.
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15. Yes! Every year
Ross makes a toast,
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16. and it's always really moving
and always makes them cry.
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17. Well, this year, I'm
going to make them cry.
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18. And you, you wonder why
Ross is their favorite?
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19. No, really, any time
Ross makes a toast,
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20. everyone cries and hugs him
and pats him on the back,
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21. and they all come up to me and say,
"God, your brother."
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22. You know what they're going
to say this year? "God, you."
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23. Well, I can promise you,
at least one person will be crying.
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24. You know, I'm an actor, and any
actor worth his salt can cry on cue.
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25. - Really, you can do that?
- Oh, are you kidding me? Watch.
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26. Well, I can't do it
with you guys watching me.
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27. What are you doing?
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28. Oh, I'm working on my
toast for the party.
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29. Or as I like to call it,
"Sob-Fest 2002."
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30. - Hey, check this out.
- It's a dog.
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31. It's a dead dog.
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32. That's Chi-Chi. She died
when I was in high school.
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33. It's your parents anniversary and you're
going to talk about their dead pet?
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34. It's good stuff, huh?
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35. - Hi.
- Hey.
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36. Aw, Joey, you got a present for
my parents? That's so sweet.
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37. Yeah, yeah, look. In honor of
their 35th wedding anniversary,
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38. I had a star
named after them.
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39. Aw.
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40. That is so cool.
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41. And, I got them a book on
Kama Sutra for the elderly.
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42. - Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
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43. What do you need? We've got, uh, lace,
satin, satiné, raffia, gingham, felt...
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44. and I think my testicles
may be in here, too.
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45. Oh, Chi-Chi.
Oh, I loved this dog.
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46. You know, uh, Monica couldn't get braces
because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.
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47. Oh.
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48. - What?
- You were the 200 pound
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49. 11-year-old who rode her.
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50. Hey. Everybody, this is Parker.
Parker, this is...
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51. No, no, wait, don't tell me. Let me guess.
Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel,
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52. and... I'm sorry,
Phoebe didn't mention you.
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53. Chandler! I'm kidding.
Already you're my favorite.
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54. Why don't each of you tell me
a little bit about yourselves?
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55. Uh, actually, I'm sorry. We
probably should get going.
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56. Classic Ross.
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57. Rachel, Rachel, look how
you glow. May I?
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58. Well... I think you
already are.
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59. Rachel, you have life
growing inside you.
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60. Is there anything in this
world more miraculous than...
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61. ooh, a picture of a dog.
Whose is this?
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62. That's my old dog.
He passed away years ago.
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63. Oh, well, at least you
were lucky to have him.
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64. Bow-wow, old friend. Bow-wow.
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65. So, where's the party?
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66. It's out on the island.
It's in Massapequa.
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67. Mmmm-assapequa. It sounds
like a magical place.
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68. Tell me about Massapequa. Is it
steeped in Native American history?
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69. Well, there is an Arby's
in the shape of a teepee.
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70. Okay, I've got my note cards.
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71. - Um, you got the presents?
- Yeah.
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72. - And I've got the car keys.
- We're driving?
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73. - Yeah.
- Aces!
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74. Ooh.
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75. - So, uh, he seems like a nice guy.
- Yeah, yeah. I like him a lot.
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76. You want to hang back
and take our own cab?
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77. Yeah, otherwise,
I'm not going.
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78. - Oh!
- Hey!
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79. - Hey, Ma.
- This is such a great party.
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80. Thirty-five years. Very impressive.
Do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?
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81. - Jack?
- Why would you serve food
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82. on such a sharp stick?
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83. It's a good question, Dad.
It's a good question.
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84. Congratulations, you two.
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85. Oh, thank you.
We're so excited.
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86. And also, congratulations
on your wedding.
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87. What?
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88. - Can we talk to you for just a minute?
- Yeah.
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89. It's just a little thing.
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90. While we think it's simply marvelous that
you're having this baby out of wedlock...
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91. some of our friends
are less open-minded.
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92. Which is why we've
told them all
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93. - you're married.
- What?
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94. Thanks for going
along with this.
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95. Ma...
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96. Dad, what? We have to
pretend that we're married?
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97. Son, I had to shave
my ears for tonight.
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98. You can do this.
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99. - Can you believe that?
- Yeah, I know.
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100. If you're going to do the ears, you may
as well take a pass at the nosal area.
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101. No, no. I don't want to have
to lie about us being married.
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102. Oh, no, I know. I don't either.
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103. But you know what, it's their
party, and it's one night,
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104. and we don't even have to lie.
We just won't say anything.
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105. If it comes up again, we'll just...
we'll smile, we'll nod along.
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106. - Ross.
- Rachel.
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107. Hi, Aunt Lisa. Uncle Dan.
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108. Congratulations on the baby.
And on the wedding.
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109. Mm.
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110. Here's a little something
to get you started.
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111. - Oh.
- So how's married life treating you?
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112. - Unbelievable. It's great.
- Love marriage.
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113. We'll see you later.
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114. - Hey.
- Hey.
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115. What a beautiful place.
What a great night.
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116. I have to tell you, being here
with all of you in Event Room C...
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117. I feel so lucky. To think of all the
good times that have happened here.
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118. The birthdays, the proms,
the mitzvahs... both bar and bat.
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119. But none of it will compare with tonight.
My God, I don't want to forget this moment.
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120. It's like I want to take a
mental picture of you all. Click!
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121. I don't think
the flash went off.
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122. I'm going to go find the men's room.
I'll be right back.
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123. I'll go with you.
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124. Somewhere, there is someone
with a tranquilizer gun
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125. and a huge butterfly net
looking for that man.
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126. I have to go to the bathroom, too, but
I don't want him complimenting my thing.
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127. I'm so glad we weren't in
the car. Did he ever let up?
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128. He called the Long Island Expressway
a concrete miracle.
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129. This room, this night!
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130. That waiter! His shoes!
I must take a mental picture.
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131. Oops, sorry.
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132. Were you guys making
fun of Parker?
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133. That depends.
How much did you hear?
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134. Well, he's a little enthusiastic.
What's wrong with that?
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135. - It's just, it's, it's so much.
- Well, so what? I like him.
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136. Do I make fun of the people that
you've dated? Tag? Janice? Mona?
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137. No, because friends don't do that.
But do you want my opinion? You want it?
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138. 'Cause in my opinion,
your collective dating
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139. record reads like a "Who's
Who" of human crap.
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140. - Oh, I feel terrible.
- I know.
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141. What was wrong with Mona?
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142. - Open it, open it, open it.
- Yeah, baby.
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143. So, we never got to hear
about your wedding.
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144. We were surprised
we weren't invited.
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145. Oh, no, no, no. It was just our
parents, and one or two fri...
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146. it was a small wedding.
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147. But it was beautiful. I mean,
it was small, but kind of spectacular.
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148. - Where did you have it?
- On a cliff in Barbados. At sunset.
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149. And Stevie Wonder sang "Isn't She Lovely"
as I walked down the aisle.
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150. - Really?
- Yeah,
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151. - Stevie's an old family friend.
- Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.
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152. - I'd love to see pictures.
- Yeah, so would I.
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153. You wouldn't think that Annie Leibovitz
would forget to put film in the camera.
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154. Would you, would you
excuse us for a second?
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155. - Um, what are you doing?
- What? I'm not you.
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156. This may be the only
wedding I ever have.
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157. - And I want it to be amazing.
- Okay, okay... ooh! Ooh,
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158. - maybe I rode in on a Harley.
- Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
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159. Say, uh, ahem, are you okay?
You seem... kind of quiet.
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160. - No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm with you.
- And I'm with you.
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161. What a great time to be alive.
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162. Look at this
plate bouncy thing.
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163. What an inspired solution to
man's plate-dispensing problems.
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164. Mm-hmm, yeah.
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165. - Ah! Oysters. Let me feed you one.
- Oh, that's not necessary.
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166. - Please.
- No, actually, I don't...
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167. - I won't quit until you try one.
- Okay, fine. Fine.
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168. - Mmm. Mm-hmm. That was good.
- What are they like? I've never had one.
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169. - Why don't you just try one?
- Nah, they look too weird.
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170. - What are you doing?
- Just going over my toast.
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171. Ah, those two will never
know what hit them.
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172. I can't wait. They're
going to be crying so hard,
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173. they'll be fighting
for breath.
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174. You know, if you want to, I can just
hold them down and you can just...
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175. And my... my veil was lace,
made by blind Belgian nuns.
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176. - Blind?
- Well, not at first...
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177. but it was very intricate work,
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178. and they said even though they lost
their sight, it was all worth it.
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179. - I bet you looked beautiful.
- Oh, well, I... I don't know about that,
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180. but there were some people that
said I looked like a floating angel.
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181. - How did you propose?
- Oh! Yeah, that's a great story.
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182. Well, um, actually,
I... I took her to the planetarium.
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183. That's... that's where
we had our first date.
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184. Um, she walked in, and
I had the room filled
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185. with, uh, lilies, her
favorite flower.
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186. - Oh, that is so sweet.
- Shh! I want to hear the rest!
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187. Then Fred Astaire singing, uh,
"The Way You Look Tonight,"
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188. came on the sound system
and the lights came down,
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189. and I... I got on one knee,
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190. and written across the dome
in the stars, were the words,
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191. "Will you marry me?"
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192. Aw.
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193. And the ring was the
size of my fist.
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194. Hey, uh, Phoebe...
look, um...
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195. I want to apologize about before,
okay? We were being jerks.
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196. Parker's a nice guy, and I'd
like to get to know him.
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197. Then you better do it now.
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198. - Why?
- Because I'm going to kill him.
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199. - What?
- You guys were right;
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200. he's just too excited
about everything.
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201. I mean, I'm all for living life, but this
is the Gellers' 35th anniversary, okay?
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202. Let's call a spade a spade:
this party stinks.
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203. I know... I'm having
the worst time.
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204. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet,
and when I finally got up to the plates,
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205. I slipped on
a giant booger.
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206. Are you sure it
wasn't an oyster?
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207. I guess it could've been.
I didn't really look at it, you know?
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208. I just wiped it on Chandler's coat
and got the hell out of there.
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209. I just thought he was such a great guy.
I was so excited about him.
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210. Well, hey, you know, you
should be excited about him.
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211. There's nothing wrong with him.
He's a good guy.
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212. - You think?
- Yeah, you know what I think?
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213. I think we were all
just being too negative.
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214. You're right...
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215. you're right. He's
just embracing life.
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216. We could all stand to be a
little more like Parker.
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217. You know what, I am like him.
I'm a sunny, positive person.
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218. Uh, actually, you have
a little bit of an edge.
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219. What's that, now?
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220. - Oh, it's Parker.
- Look... the Bunny Hop.
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221. - Oh, I love it!
- You do?
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222. Are you kidding? People acting
like animals to music? Come on!
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223. Okay, it's time
for the toast.
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224. I know that normally Ross gives the toast,
but this year I'm going to do it.
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225. No, no, it... it... it's going
to be great, really.
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226. Um, okay.
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227. Um, Mom, Dad, uh,
when I got married,
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228. one of the things that made
me sure that I could do it
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229. was the amazing example
the two of you set for me.
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230. For that, and for so many other things,
I want to say thank you.
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231. I know I probably
don't say it enough,
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232. but... I love you.
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233. Uh... w-when I look
around this room,
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234. I'm... I'm saddened by the thought
of those who could not be with us.
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235. Nana, my beloved grandmother,
who would so want to be here.
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236. But she can't...
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237. because she's dead.
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238. As... is our dog, Chi-Chi.
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239. I mean, look how
cute she is... was.
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240. Do me a favor, and
pass this to my parents?
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241. Remember, um, she's dead, okay?
Her and Nana, gone.
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242. Wow.
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243. Um...
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244. hey... does anybody
remember when
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245. Debra Winger had to say good-bye
to her children in "Terms of Endearment"?
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246. Didn't see that?
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247. No movie fans?
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248. Uh, y-you want to hear
something sad?
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249. Um, the other day
I was watching "60 Minutes"
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250. and there was this piece
on these orphans in Romania
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251. who had been so neglected
that they were incapable of love.
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252. You people are made of stone!
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253. Here's to Mom and Dad.
Whatever.
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254. Thank you, Monica.
That was, uh, interesting.
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255. - Wasn't it interesting, Jack?
- Why don't I remember this dog?
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256. Ross, why don't you
give us your toast now?
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257. Oh, no, Mom,
it's just Monica this year.
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258. You're not going to say anything
on our 35th wedding anniversary?
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259. No, of... of course. Um...
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260. um, everybody?
Um... I... I just wanted to say,
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261. uh, on behalf of my
new bride, Rachel...
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262. and myself, um...
that if...
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263. if in 35 years, we're half
as happy as you guys are,
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264. we'll count ourselves the
luckiest people in the world.
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265. Oh, Ross.
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266. I just wish Nana were alive
to hear Ross' toast.
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267. My God, what a fantastically
well-lit hallway.
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268. Can I, um, get you something
to drink? Like a water and Valium?
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269. I must say, you know, this apartment,
it's... it's... there are no words.
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270. - Oh, thank God.
- It's a haven.
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271. A third-floor paradise, a
modern-day Eden in the midst of...
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272. Yeah, I know, I know, uh-huh.
I got you, oh, yeah.
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273. Listen, let's, um... why don't
we just, um, sit and relax?
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274. You know, just be with
each other quietly?
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275. - Yeah. That sounds great.
- Uh-huh.
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276. My God, this is the most comfortable
couch I've ever sat on in my entire life.
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277. All right, let's try something
else. Let's play a game.
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278. - I love games.
- Shocking.
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279. Um, let's play the game of...
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280. who can stay quiet the longest?
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281. Ah... or Jenga.
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282. Let's play this one first. And remember,
whoever talks first loses.
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283. - I lose, now Jenga.
- Oh, my God, my God.
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284. - Is something wrong?
- Wrong? Really, you know the word "wrong"?
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285. Everything isn't perfect,
everything isn't magical?
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286. Everything isn't aglow
with the light of a million fairies?
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287. They were just
brake lights, Parker!
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288. Well, excuse me for putting
a good spin on a traffic jam.
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289. Okay, but... but, you don't have to
put a good spin on everything.
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290. I'm sorry, that's who I am...
I'm a positive person.
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291. No. I'm a positive person.
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292. You are like Santa
Claus on Prozac...
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293. at Disneyland...
getting laid.
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294. So, what do you want me to do?
You want me to be more negative?
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295. - You want me to be less happy?
- Be much less happy.
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296. Fine. Well, then to quote Ross,
"I'd better be going."
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297. So long.
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298. Hey, don't let the best door in the world
hit you in the ass on your way out.
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299. Isn't this the most incredible fight
you've ever had in your entire life?
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300. And then we could have
gone from the ceremony
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301. to the reception with
you in the sidecar.
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302. Ross, it just wouldn't
have been feasible.
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303. But having a dove place the ring on your
finger would have been no problem.
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304. It was really fun being
married to you tonight.
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305. Yeah, and it was the easiest
400 bucks I ever made.
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306. Okay, Ross, can I, um,
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307. - can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
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308. - That proposal at the planetarium?
- I know, I know, it was stupid.
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309. Are you kidding? With the... with
the lilies, and the song and the stars?
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310. It was... it was really wonderful.
Did you just make that up?
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311. Uh, no. Actually, I thought about
it when we were going out.
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312. That's how I imagined
I, uh, would ask you to marry me.
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313. Wow.
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314. Well, that would
have been, uh...
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315. that would have been
very hard to say no to.
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316. Well, it's a good thing
I didn't do it,
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317. because it sounds like it would have
been a very expensive wedding.
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318. Mmm.
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319. - Okay. Good night.
- Good night.
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320. Uh, even if the sidecar had a windscreen
so your hair wouldn't get messed up?
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321. - I will think about it.
- That's all I'm asking.
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322. Okay, that's it,
I give up...
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323. at Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary,
you're the one giving the speech.
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324. You know, I don't understand why
they didn't cry. It was a beautiful speech.
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325. Oh, come on.
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326. Hey... all that stuff you
said about true love?
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327. You were right. I mean, we did
learn a lot from Mom and Dad.
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328. And that picture of Chi-Chi
with her mischievous grin...
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329. and what you said
about Nana?
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330. Oh, yeah, she really would
have wanted to be there.
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331. And you know what?
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332. I think she was.
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333. Oh, good God, Ross...
how the hell do you do it?
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