Friends 8x17

Directed by Gary Halvorson

Alec Baldwin as Parker • James Le Gros as Jim Nelson • Mark Lutz as Mona's Date • Bonnie Somerville as Mona • Steve Ireland as Mr. Zelner

At Central Perk Phoebe does a reading of tea leaves which tell her that she's soon going to meet a man of her dreams. In fact, she does meet a man she keeps constantly bumping into, however, he turns out to be a bit creepy to say the least. Meanwhile, after their conversation, things between Joey and Rachel are still weird and Joey keeps finding excuses to avoid her. As a result Rachel comes up with a rather crazy problem at work to draw him into a conversation. She doesn't realize though, how far he's willing to go to help with her fake problem after their conversation is over. Also, Ross tries to retrieve his favorite shirt from Mona's, interrupted when she returns home with a date.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Joey? Are you in there?

2. - Oh, my God, that's Rachel! - Joey, you have to talk to her.

3. Oh, no, I can't, I can't. Not after the other night.

4. It's just... it's too weird, okay?

5. Don't tell her I'm here.

6. Don't eat that!

7. - Hey. - Rach.

8. - Hey, Rachel. - Is Joey here?

9. - I don't see him. Do you see him? - I don't see him.

10. Maybe he's in the sugar bowl. Joey? No.

11. Well, at least you make each other laugh.

12. - What's up? - Well, I haven't seen him since the night

13. that he told me how he, you know...

14. I don't know, I think he's avoiding me.

15. Why is that bagel on the floor?

16. - We were playing a game. - Ew, was Chandler naked?

17. Sort of like a ring-toss kind of situation?

18. - Sure. - What? No... no!

19. All right, well, listen, if you see Joey, will you just tell him that, uh...

20. tell him I miss him.

21. - Okay, did you hear that? - Yeah, that naked bagel game? Heh.

22. Dude, I don't know. That's a pretty small hole.

23. - Honey, you've got to talk to her. - I can't.

24. You guys don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that

25. and then just get shot down.

26. I don't know what that's like?

27. Up until I was 25, I thought the only response to "I love you" was "Oh, crap."

28. And hello... no rejection?

29. I got shot down at fat camp.

30. Boy, kids are mean when they're hungry.

31. All right, so, what do I do?

32. This is Rachel. What are you going to do... never talk to her again?

33. I know it's weird, it's awkward, but you got to at least try.

34. Yeah, okay.

35. Whoa. I almost forgot this was on your...

36. We didn't play it!

37. Okay, so when you're done with your tea,

38. I'll look at the leaves and tell you your fortune.

39. - I didn't know you read tea leaves. - Oh, yeah. I've done it for years.

40. I actually stopped because I was so accurate.

41. You know, and... you know, one of the great joys of life,

42. is its wondrous unpredictability, you know?

43. And also, tea tends to give me the trots.

44. - Okay, I'm done. Read mine. - Okay...

45. ooh. I see a ladder...

46. which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.

47. I'm the head chef. I can't get promoted.

48. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm... who's next?

49. Okay, I'm done. Do mine.

50. Okay.

51. - Um... oh, okay. I see a circle. - Oh.

52. Oh, which can either mean you're having a baby,

53. or you're going to make a scientific discovery.

54. Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.

55. - What does yours say, Pheebs? - Um... wow, all right.

56. Wow... yay!

57. Oh, I'm going to meet a guy! And really soon!

58. And he's going to be the man of my dreams.

59. Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night.

60. You.

61. Hey, has anyone seen my shirt?

62. It's a button-down, like a faded salmon color?

63. You mean your pink shirt?

64. Faded salmon color?

65. No, I haven't seen your pink shirt.

66. Great, great. Then I must have left it at Mona's. I knew it.

67. I'm sure you can get another one at Ann Taylor's.

68. That's my favorite shirt, okay? I love that shirt.

69. Well, just ask Mona to give it back.

70. I don't know. I mean, I guess I could.

71. It's just, we didn't really end things on such good terms.

72. And if I went over there, I'd be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do

73. when we broke up: jump up my own ass and die.

74. Oh, wait a second, you guys.

75. For the last couple of weeks, I've been seeing that guy everywhere I go.

76. We take the same bus, we go to the same bookstores, same dry cleaners...

77. maybe he's the tea guy.

78. Pheebs, did you see that?

79. He totally checked you out and he is so cute!

80. Mine is a picture of the Village People. What does that mean?

81. - Hi. - Hey.

82. - Hi. - Hi.

83. Tea gives Phoebe the trots.

84. So, I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out,

85. but it's like we don't even know how to be with each other anymore.

86. I know it's tough now, but things'll get better.

87. How do you know that?

88. What if it just gets worse and worse and worse,

89. to the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?

90. I'm not great at the advice.

91. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

92. Some cheese?

93. Honey... why is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Cat Stevens case?

94. Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case, I just put it in the nearest one.

95. - Okay, well, where is the Cat Stevens CD? - In the James Taylor case.

96. Where's the James Taylor CD?

97. Honey, I'm going to save you some time.

98. Two hundred CDs, not one of them in the right case.

99. Okay, no need to panic. Deep breaths, everyone.

100. Okay, um, we're just going to have to spend some time

101. and put the CDs in the right cases.

102. If we're going to do that, then we should come up with some kind of order.

103. You know, like alphabetically, or by genre.

104. Hmm, I don't know. I think we're going to have to talk this through.

105. Oh, my God, you guys have such problems. I feel so terrible for you.

106. All right. Okay, I... I'm sorry.

107. Look, you and Joey, you're both focusing on this uncomfortable thing.

108. What you need to do is change the subject.

109. Next time you see him, try to get him talking about something else.

110. - Oh, yeah, that makes sense. - Yeah, like,

111. I don't know, maybe you have a work problem that you need his advice on.

112. - Ooh, I could do that. I could do that. - Good.

113. Honey, the "Miami Vice" soundtrack? Really?

114. They were just giving those away at the store.

115. In exchange for money.

116. Hey.

117. Hi.

118. I really don't know what to tell you, Rach. I really don't.

119. I mean, maybe Joey could help you out with your big work problem.

120. - What? - Yeah, Joey, she's...

121. Rachel's got this really big work problem. It is a head-scratcher. Heh.

122. Wow, you know what? If we're going to make dinner, we're going to have to leave. Yeah.

123. So, you, uh, have a big work problem?

124. Yeah, it's, um...

125. yeah... it's, uh...

126. it's noth... you know, it's nothing.

127. Oh, okay.

128. So, uh, I think I'm going to take off.

129. No, wait, Joey, no, wait. It is. It's something. It's... it's, um...

130. it's my boss.

131. - Yeah? - Yeah, and, um...

132. and my baby.

133. Yeah?

134. My boss wants to buy my baby.

135. What? Oh, my... oh, my God.

136. I know, I told you, it's a really big problem.

137. - What... he wants to buy your baby? - Can you believe that?

138. - That's crazy. - That's what I told him.

139. - Okay, how did this even happen? - Well, I'll tell you...

140. see, uh, my... my boss and, uh... and his wife, they can't have children, so, um,

141. and then when we were at the Christmas party,

142. and he got drunk and he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."

143. Man. When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby,

144. I figured it was something about maternity leave.

145. Oh... yeah...

146. yeah, that would have been a much simpler problem.

147. - Oh, hello. - Oh. It's you. I see you everywhere.

148. - Mm-hmm. - I'm Jim. Jim Nelson.

149. Oh, Jim-Jim Nelson, I'm Phoebe-Phoebe Buffay.

150. We certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately.

151. We have. Maybe we'll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night. Say, around 8:00?

152. Well, maybe we will.

153. Oh!

154. Mona?

155. Ow!

156. Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be?

157. I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt.

158. - Oh, it's okay. - No, it's still wet.

159. You know what? Let me get it out before it sets. Oh, I have something you could wear.

160. - Here. - Oh, uh...

161. I don't know if I want to wear a woman's shirt.

162. - No, no, that's a man's shirt. - Awfully pink.

163. It's not pink.

164. Oh, my God, honey, we are so meant to be together.

165. Look, we both have copies of the "Annie" soundtrack.

166. Honey, both yours.

167. Hey, great advice on that Joey thing.

168. - Yeah? The work problem? - Oh, it was perfect.

169. I mean, it really felt like he was my friend again.

170. What problem did you tell him you have?

171. Oh, that's... that's not important.

172. The point is, I really... I think everything's going to be okay.

173. May I help you?

174. You think you can just buy my friend's baby?

175. Isn't it funny how we kept running into each other?

176. It's as if someone really wants us to be together.

177. Someone does. Me.

178. Ooh, witty banter. Well done. Good.

179. - So tell me a little bit about yourself. - Oh, okay. Well, I'm a masseuse.

180. - And I used to work at this place... - Do you like to... party?

181. I... I... I like parties.

182. You're wild, aren't you? Heh.

183. - I gue... yeah, I guess a little. - That ain't no thing. I'm wild, too.

184. So, um, anyway...

185. I... I... I've lived in New York, somewhat wildly, I guess,

186. for, um... well, since I was 14.

187. I'm sorry. I'm staring.

188. It's just that you have the most beautiful eyes.

189. Oh, stop it.

190. And your breasts... mm!

191. Okay. Ahem.

192. Look, uh, you're coming on a little strong.

193. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt,

194. because it seems the universe really wants us to be together.

195. So why don't we just start over, okay? You can just tell me about yourself.

196. - All right. - Okay.

197. I write erotic novels...

198. for children.

199. - What? - They're wildly unpopular.

200. Oh, my God.

201. Oh, also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.

202. - Wow, you do? - Yep, a pretty huge...

203. All right.

204. - Hey. - Hey.

205. Oh, Joey, hey, listen.

206. Thank you for talking to me yesterday about that thing with my boss.

207. - That really meant a lot. - Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know,

208. that guy's not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore.

209. - What? - Let's just say I took care of it.

210. Oh, let's say more.

211. What? Don't worry, don't worry. I just told him, very nicely,

212. "You don't go buying people's babies, so back off."

213. - What? - What?

214. No, no, no, no, no.

215. Joey, he doesn't want to buy my baby. I made that up.

216. What? Why?

217. So that we would have something to talk about. So it wouldn't be awkward.

218. And you couldn't think of anything else?

219. You said your boss wants to buy your baby?

220. I can't believe you yelled at my boss.

221. I'm going to lose my job. What am I going to do?

222. You could always sell your baby.

223. Joey, I cannot believe you brought my boss into this. I'm going to get fired.

224. - You lied to me. - Well, she told me to.

225. Chandler has two copies of "Annie."

226. Huh.

227. Oh, my God!

228. - Ross! - Hello!

229. Ross, what are you doing?

230. Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

231. Morning. You wanted to see me?

232. Please, come in. Have a seat.

233. - Okay, look, Mr. Zelner... - Oh, I think it's best that I speak first.

234. Yeah.

235. I've asked Lee from Human Resources to be

236. here as a witness to our conversation.

237. Oh, God.

238. If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby...

239. I am sorry, okay?

240. Last week, when I asked you when your due date was, uh...

241. I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby.

242. Yeah, I want to be very clear

243. that I understand that it's your baby,

244. and it is not mine to purchase.

245. Well, as long as we are clear about that.

246. Oh, there it is.

247. - That's not your regular dry cleaners. - I know,

248. but that creep I went on that date with goes there so I had to find a new one.

249. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank,

250. a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store...

251. - What? - A new grocery store.

252. The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that's what they gave me?

253. When I get up there, I'm going to kick some ass.

254. Don't worry, Phoebe. You're going to meet the one.

255. If I can meet a great guy, so can you.

256. Yeah, we both can. And we both will.

257. - Well, you didn't have to come in with me. - Are you kidding?

258. This is where they get out stains. This is like Disneyland for me.

259. I'm going to be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts.

260. Oh, excuse me. I think you, uh, dropped...

261. - wow. - What?

262. I'm sorry, it's just that you're so incredibly beautiful.

263. Oh, yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, too. But what are you going to do?

264. I hope you don't think I'm crazy,

265. but I feel like I was meant to pick this up.

266. - Do you believe in that kind of thing? - A little. Heh.

267. Now you're talking.

268. Would you like to go have a cup of coffee?

269. I'd... I'd love to. Let me just tell my friend.

270. Ooh, an ink stain. Hey, can I watch how you get this out?

271. She must have left.

272. - Hi. - So, what happened?

273. It's all going to be okay.

274. They are just so happy that I'm not suing them

275. that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave.

276. So long as I understand that the money should not be construed

277. as a down payment on this, or any other child that I may bear.

278. Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of their way

279. to show that they're not in the baby-buying business.

280. - Chandler, can you give us a minute? - Oh, I'm sorry.

281. You're going to kick me out of

282. - my own living room? - Yeah.

283. I'll be in there.

284. Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...

285. I know. I know.

286. But it kind of worked.

287. I mean, you know, I don't know about you,

288. but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.

289. Yeah, you're right.

290. Yeah, it's kind of been like us again, a little bit.

291. - Yeah, I know. I miss that. - Me, too.

292. I mean, I haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there,

293. and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me,

294. and... and how it was... really awkward.

295. My gynecologist tried to kill me.

296. Item J-4-3-7-A.

297. Color... winterberry.

298. Hi. Um, listen, come here... come...

299. I'm so, so sorry about yesterday.

300. I... I'm really, really sorry. It's just I...

301. Listen, Ross, you don't have to apologize. I understand why you were there.

302. - You do? - Yeah. You still have feelings for me.

303. And... and to be honest, I still have feelings for you, too,

304. and I wish we could work it out, Ross, but we can't.

305. It's too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby. I just...

306. It just wasn't meant to be.

307. Oh, God, you're right.

308. - Ross, we... we have to be strong. - Mm-hmm.

309. Okay, I'm going to go.

310. Can I... to remember you?

311. No.