1. - Oh, hey, Rach!
- Hi.
Copy !req
2. - Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh, you, too.
Copy !req
3. Hey, so, uh, how's it going
living over at Ross'?
Copy !req
4. It's good, except he makes us watch
the Discovery Channel all day long.
Copy !req
5. Did you know that something
really boring
Copy !req
6. happened to someone
really ugly in the Middle Ages?
Copy !req
7. - Oh, thank you. I'll see you guys later.
- Okay.
Copy !req
8. - Bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
9. That is one lucky
to-go cup of coffee.
Copy !req
10. Oh, honey.
Copy !req
11. I wish you would get over her.
I hate seeing you like this.
Copy !req
12. Is there anything I can do for you?
Do you want to look down my top?
Copy !req
13. Thanks, but maybe later.
Copy !req
14. - Oh, Gunther, could I get a scone?
- Do you want anything?
Copy !req
15. You know what I want?
I want a lot of things.
Copy !req
16. I want to be with the woman
I love on Valentine's Day!
Copy !req
17. And I want her
to love me back,
Copy !req
18. and I want just
one moment of relief
Copy !req
19. from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing
that's never going to happen!
Copy !req
20. We have red bagels.
Copy !req
21. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
22. So, how does Mona feel about
you and Rachel living together?
Copy !req
23. Oh, I'm actually on my
way to tell her right now.
Copy !req
24. Yeah, she's been away all week
visiting her parents, but she'll be cool.
Copy !req
25. I mean, she's been
so supportive.
Copy !req
26. She... she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt
that says, "Fossils are my friends."
Copy !req
27. Ugh. Come on,
Mona, don't kiss ass.
Copy !req
28. - So, uh, I'm going to take off.
- All right.
Copy !req
29. Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot.
Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape.
Copy !req
30. - What is it?
- It's a video of my friend giving birth.
Copy !req
31. Could you just bring it
back to your apartment?
Copy !req
32. All right.
"Candy and Cookie"?
Copy !req
33. Yeah. Candy's the mother,
Cookie's the daughter.
Copy !req
34. The father's name
is also Cookie.
Copy !req
35. Why am I friends
with these people?
Copy !req
36. Phoebe, come here. I want to show
you something in the bathroom.
Copy !req
37. Ugh, Monica, grow up.
Copy !req
38. - Hey, what have you got behind your back?
- Nothing.
Copy !req
39. Just... just something I want to get
Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Copy !req
40. - You don't want my opinion?
- Not really.
Copy !req
41. Oh, come on, I'm your
older brother... ask me.
Copy !req
42. Oh, okay, big brother. Um...
Copy !req
43. which one of these do you think
would make your little sister look hotter
Copy !req
44. so your best friend
would want to do her?
Copy !req
45. The red one.
Copy !req
46. - Hey.
- Mm.
Copy !req
47. Look, I know you've been
really depressed lately,
Copy !req
48. so I've brought someone
over to cheer you up.
Copy !req
49. Right outside this door
is a real, live, furry playmate.
Copy !req
50. No, I'm not sleeping
with your friend Jane again.
Copy !req
51. - Hee-hee!
- Hey, a dog! Oh, hi!
Copy !req
52. Who, you got to admit,
looks a lot like Jane.
Copy !req
53. This is the happiest dog in the world.
I borrowed him from my friend Wendy,
Copy !req
54. so you can keep him until he cheers
you up, and he will cheer you up.
Copy !req
55. Thanks so much, Pheebs.
Copy !req
56. We are going to have so
much fun, yes, we are!
Copy !req
57. Oh, not that kind of fun.
Copy !req
58. - Happy Valentine's!
- Hey!
Copy !req
59. I'll be right out.
Copy !req
60. I'm slipping into something a little less
comfortable and a little more slutty.
Copy !req
61. "Candy and Cookie"?
Copy !req
62. "Candy and Cookie"?
Copy !req
63. Monica got me porn?
Copy !req
64. Girl-on-girl porn?
Copy !req
65. She really must love me!
Copy !req
66. - [ man (on TV) ]: Yeah, just relax.
- I love you, St. Valentine.
Copy !req
67. Whoa, whoa, that's not pretty.
Copy !req
68. - Now, push!
- Unh!
Copy !req
69. Ow! Oh, God, it hurts!
Copy !req
70. Worst porn ever,
worst porn ever!
Copy !req
71. - Oh, make it stop!
- I am trying!
Copy !req
72. Get the ball. Ready?
Get the ball!
Copy !req
73. You're cute,
but you're not too smart.
Copy !req
74. Yeah. Did I just throw this?
Copy !req
75. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
76. I accidentally packed
these with my stuff.
Copy !req
77. - Who is this?
- That's, uh, Phoebe's friend's dog. Yeah.
Copy !req
78. I don't know what his real name
is, but I call him Mozzarella.
Copy !req
79. Ohh... you are so cute. I wish I could play
with you more, but I've got to go to work.
Copy !req
80. I hope I stop talking like this before
my marketing meeting. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
81. Yes, I do. Bye-bye, Joey.
Seriously, I can't stop it.
Copy !req
82. Come here. Hey.
Copy !req
83. Hey... that's Rachel.
She's the one who used to live here.
Copy !req
84. Might as well be honest
with you... we love her,
Copy !req
85. but we can't have her. No.
Copy !req
86. I really miss her.
Copy !req
87. Well, hey, you understand,
right? You're a guy.
Copy !req
88. Well... you used to be.
Copy !req
89. So, what do you think?
Copy !req
90. I've still got it.
Copy !req
91. - Why did you get me this?
- What is it?
Copy !req
92. It's yelling... bleeding... dilating...
Copy !req
93. oh, the dilating!
Copy !req
94. Is this the video of the baby being
born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe's.
Copy !req
95. Why were you
even watching it?
Copy !req
96. I thought maybe you got me
porn for Valentine's Day.
Copy !req
97. Chandler, if you thought I was going
to get you porn for Valentine's Day...
Copy !req
98. you were right.
Copy !req
99. Apparently, it's about a
young girl who moves to
Copy !req
100. the big city, you know,
in search of stardom,
Copy !req
101. but ends up having sex
with a lot of guys.
Copy !req
102. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
103. Yeah, it got four stars.
Copy !req
104. Oh, wait a minute...
those aren't stars.
Copy !req
105. - Anyway, you want to take a look?
- Well...
Copy !req
106. - I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.
- Hey, what's going on?
Copy !req
107. Well... remember the first time
Copy !req
108. - you saw "Jaws"?
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
109. How long it took to
go back in the water?
Copy !req
110. Chandler, we can't let this
tape wreck Valentine's Day.
Copy !req
111. You don't know.
You didn't see it.
Copy !req
112. Childbirth, it's a natural thing.
It's beautiful.
Copy !req
113. Oh, beautiful? Really? Huh, really?
Copy !req
114. You think this is beautiful?
Copy !req
115. Oh, my God! No wonder
my mother hates me!
Copy !req
116. - See, honey, there's...
- Don't touch me!
Copy !req
117. - Hi!
- Hey!
Copy !req
118. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
119. So? How was Atlantic City?
Copy !req
120. - Good.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
121. - I brought you back a present.
- What?
Copy !req
122. Oh, come on.
You didn't have to...
Copy !req
123. - salt water taffy?
- Ha-ha-ha.
Copy !req
124. - Thanks.
- Mm.
Copy !req
125. You know, it's interesting. Most people
think this is made with seawater,
Copy !req
126. but it's actually made with,
uh... salted fresh water.
Copy !req
127. That's not interesting.
Copy !req
128. - I think it's interesting.
- I do, too. I missed you.
Copy !req
129. - Oh, me, too. So, how was your week?
- Oh, it was good, it was good.
Copy !req
130. - Actually, the baby started kicking.
- How exciting.
Copy !req
131. Yeah, I know.
Oh... it was amazing.
Copy !req
132. The sad thing is, I wasn't around
when it happened for the first time.
Copy !req
133. - Oh, no.
- Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
134. I was missing out on all
this other stuff, too,
Copy !req
135. - so Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
- Ha, ha. Yeah, right.
Copy !req
136. - What?
- Joey cracks me up.
Copy !req
137. It's like, "Yeah, why don't you
have your ex-wife move in with you?
Copy !req
138. That wouldn't be
awkward at all." Heh.
Copy !req
139. Huh. Heh.
Copy !req
140. Hey, could you imagine?
I go away for a few days.
Copy !req
141. I come back, and my boyfriend is living
with some woman he got pregnant.
Copy !req
142. So, what did you tell him?
Copy !req
143. Mm-mmm-mmm.
Copy !req
144. How could you not tell Mona
that Rachel is living with you?
Copy !req
145. I don't know. She seemed to
think it was such a crazy idea.
Copy !req
146. Plus, she, uh...
she got me taffy.
Copy !req
147. - Taffy? Really? I've never had any.
- Ever?
Copy !req
148. My mother was too busy planning her
suicide to provide saltwater treats.
Copy !req
149. Thank you.
Copy !req
150. So, what, are you just
never going to tell her?
Copy !req
151. Oh, no, no, no. I will.
I just want to butter her up first.
Copy !req
152. I'm going to take her to an
amazing Valentine's dinner,
Copy !req
153. do all this
romantic stuff,
Copy !req
154. and then, just when she thinks
I'm the best boyfriend in the world,
Copy !req
155. then I'm going to tell her that my
pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Copy !req
156. If I haven't said it before,
she's a lucky, lucky lady.
Copy !req
157. So where are you going to...? What the
mother of crap is up with this stuff?
Copy !req
158. Oh, God! Is it gum? Is it food?
What... what's the deal?
Copy !req
159. Oh, it's nice.
May I try a pink one?
Copy !req
160. So, between her and me being friends,
and her history with Ross,
Copy !req
161. it just isn't going
to happen.
Copy !req
162. It would be like you
falling in love with a cat.
Copy !req
163. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
164. Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog,
huh? How's my favorite dog?
Copy !req
165. You're subdued.
Copy !req
166. - Did you give him a beer?
- No.
Copy !req
167. Will you excuse us? We
need to talk for a moment.
Copy !req
168. Yeah, sure. Go...
Copy !req
169. oh, me. Right.
Copy !req
170. - He's miserable. What happened to him?
- Nothing.
Copy !req
171. - We just talked about stuff.
- What stuff?
Copy !req
172. Rachel stuff.
Copy !req
173. Oh, Joey, you bummed him out.
This was the happiest dog in the world.
Copy !req
174. He spends half a day with you,
and look at him.
Copy !req
175. He's breathing.
Copy !req
176. Okay, I'm going to take
him back to Wendy's.
Copy !req
177. No, no, no. He's fine.
Copy !req
178. Hey, look. Look, look.
Copy !req
179. Here's your ball!
Get the ball!
Copy !req
180. Get your ball. Get your ball!
Get your ball!
Copy !req
181. Get... my God, what have
I done to you? Huh?
Copy !req
182. I broke the dog.
Pheebs, I broke the dog!
Copy !req
183. Well, I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona.
What have you got going on tonight?
Copy !req
184. Oh, I've got big
Valentine's plans.
Copy !req
185. I've got my Chinese food on the way,
and the rest of your saltwater taffy.
Copy !req
186. You know, it's interesting.
Most people think
Copy !req
187. that's made with seawater,
when, in fact...
Copy !req
188. Ross, we actually watched
the documentary together.
Copy !req
189. Oop! My Chinese food.
I'll get my cash.
Copy !req
190. Mona?
Copy !req
191. - You're, uh... what are...? Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
192. What are you doing here?
I'm supposed to pick you up.
Copy !req
193. Change of plans. I made you a
special Valentine's dinner. Surprise!
Copy !req
194. - Oh. Hey, Mona!
- Hi. Hi. Hi, Rachel.
Copy !req
195. What's she doing here?
Copy !req
196. I have no idea.
Copy !req
197. Um... I'll be watching TV
if anybody needs me.
Copy !req
198. Seriously,
what is she doing?
Copy !req
199. Uh... you know, lately, she
just likes hanging out here.
Copy !req
200. - Why?
- I think she's lonely.
Copy !req
201. - Okay, but it's Valentine's Day.
- I know.
Copy !req
202. Can't we just
ask her to go?
Copy !req
203. Well, no, no.
She's way too emotional.
Copy !req
204. And, by emotional,
I mean... crazy!
Copy !req
205. I'm not here.
That's just my Chinese food.
Copy !req
206. Oh, my God. She has
food delivered here?
Copy !req
207. Mm-hm, yes. She's... she's
emotional, but... but ballsy.
Copy !req
208. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
Copy !req
209. And you thought she was
going to be in our way!
Copy !req
210. So, okay, why don't you, uh, open
the champagne, and I will be right back.
Copy !req
211. - I've got a surprise for you.
- You got another ex-wife back there?
Copy !req
212. Ho, oh! Heh. You...
please start drinking.
Copy !req
213. - I just came to grab the phone.
- Oh, Rachel, wait. Hey, um...
Copy !req
214. I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but... but, um...
Copy !req
215. - what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need the phone?
Copy !req
216. No. No.
Copy !req
217. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything,
but this is his apartment,
Copy !req
218. and we... we got to
have some boundaries.
Copy !req
219. So why don't you just go to your
place and give us some privacy?
Copy !req
220. But, Mona,
I... I live here.
Copy !req
221. Happy Valentine's Day!
Copy !req
222. Or, something to
remember me by.
Copy !req
223. - How long has it been this time?
- Ninety seconds.
Copy !req
224. That's better. Ninety seconds
is a long time not to think about it.
Copy !req
225. Except all I did
was think about it.
Copy !req
226. I know. It haunts me.
Copy !req
227. Up until now,
the worst thing I ever saw
Copy !req
228. was my father doing tequila shots
off the naked houseboy.
Copy !req
229. After this, I would gladly
make that my screen saver.
Copy !req
230. We have to
get past this.
Copy !req
231. Why don't we just get rid of the tape
and pretend it never existed.
Copy !req
232. - I could do that.
- Okay.
Copy !req
233. Okay, now all we got to do
is get rid of this chair.
Copy !req
234. Come here.
Copy !req
235. - Oh, thank God!
- Oh, I know!
Copy !req
236. Come in.
Copy !req
237. Hi. I'm so sorry to barge
in on your Valentine,
Copy !req
238. but I had to get away from all
the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Copy !req
239. - Oh, my God.
- Poor Ross.
Copy !req
240. Oh, great. We have to watch
him do yoga in his underwear,
Copy !req
241. but for this
he closes the drapes.
Copy !req
242. Rach, you know that birthing tape
that you wanted to see?
Copy !req
243. - Mm-hm.
- It's here.
Copy !req
244. Oh, and we should warn you before
you watch it... don't watch it.
Copy !req
245. Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
Copy !req
246. Well, let's just say that it's ironic
how footage of someone being born
Copy !req
247. can make you want
to kill yourself.
Copy !req
248. Well... well, now, wait.
Now I'm all freaked out.
Copy !req
249. Come on. You guys will
watch it with me.
Copy !req
250. No, but I will leave a sweater that
smells like me right next to you.
Copy !req
251. Come on, seriously, you guys. You're
not going to make me watch this alone.
Copy !req
252. She's right. Of course not.
Copy !req
253. Honey, get the tape.
Copy !req
254. This reminds me of a very
specific part of the tape.
Copy !req
255. Okay... here we go.
Copy !req
256. Okay.
Ahem.
Copy !req
257. Ooh, my!
Copy !req
258. All right, baby.
One more time.
Copy !req
259. Oh, why is that baby
torturing that woman?
Copy !req
260. Why have I seen this
thing three times?
Copy !req
261. It's still beautiful.
Copy !req
262. - Aah! It's horrible!
- I know! I know!
Copy !req
263. - I'm so sorry for you!
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
264. - You guys... you guys, look!
- What? What? Did her ass explode?
Copy !req
265. No, the baby's out.
Look, look.
Copy !req
266. Oh, look at those
little fingers and toes.
Copy !req
267. And look how happy
the mom is now.
Copy !req
268. Oh, Rach...
Copy !req
269. Oh, screw you guys! You
don't have to do it.
Copy !req
270. - Hey.
- Hey! What...
Copy !req
271. - what's up?
- Uh... Mona just dumped me.
Copy !req
272. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
Copy !req
273. Well, with everything that's
been going on lately,
Copy !req
274. I haven't exactly been
the perfect boyfriend.
Copy !req
275. You know, I mean, I didn't tell her
I got Rachel pregnant.
Copy !req
276. Then I gave her a key to my apartment
and then I had the locks changed.
Copy !req
277. And then... I lied to her about
Rachel moving in with me.
Copy !req
278. In a way, I... I actually judge her for not
breaking up with me sooner, you know?
Copy !req
279. Still, that really sucks, man.
Especially on Valentine's Day.
Copy !req
280. Yeah. Wait a minute.
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
281. Joey Tribbiani without
a date on Valentine's Day?
Copy !req
282. What's going on, huh?
Girl trouble? Heh.
Copy !req
283. - Sort of. Yeah. Ha, ha.
- Really?
Copy !req
284. You don't have to seem
so happy about it.
Copy !req
285. - Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help.
- Oh, I... I don't...
Copy !req
286. Hey, hey, hey, whatever it is,
I am sure it has happened to me.
Copy !req
287. You know, actually, once...
once I got dumped during sex.
Copy !req
288. - So, anyway, uh... so what is it?
- Oh, forget about it. It's no big deal.
Copy !req
289. - Hey, come on, Joey. What is it?
- It's nothing.
Copy !req
290. Hey, hey, it's me.
Why can't you tell me?
Copy !req
291. Okay. Uh... sit down. Um...
Copy !req
292. There's this woman
that I like... a lot...
Copy !req
293. but, uh... it can't happen.
Copy !req
294. She's not a Tribbiani?
Copy !req
295. No!
Copy !req
296. I knew it.
Copy !req
297. So, uh... so is she, uh...
someone from work?
Copy !req
298. Yes.
Copy !req
299. Well, uh...
does she like you?
Copy !req
300. Sometimes I think
maybe she could.
Copy !req
301. But it doesn't matter, because
I can't do anything about it.
Copy !req
302. Why not?
Copy !req
303. It's complicated.
Copy !req
304. Um... she was with this
other guy... for a long time...
Copy !req
305. someone from work, too...
Copy !req
306. and, uh,
Copy !req
307. I could never do that to the guy, you
know, 'cause we're really good friends.
Copy !req
308. Okay, so, this... this guy
she used to go out with...
Copy !req
309. is, uh... is he still
in love with her?
Copy !req
310. - No, I don't think so.
- Okay, um...
Copy !req
311. is he a good guy?
Copy !req
312. Yeah, he's the best.
Copy !req
313. Then talk to him. He
might be fine with it.
Copy !req
314. Oh, I don't know.
Copy !req
315. Joey, come on. It's worth finding out.
I mean, if you really like her.
Copy !req
316. I do... so much,
Copy !req
317. I can't stop thinking about her.
I can't sleep, I...
Copy !req
318. Okay, Joey, you know what?
You... you have to go for it.
Copy !req
319. How often does this happen to you, huh?
I mean, you owe it to yourself.
Copy !req
320. Here's your warm milk.
Copy !req
321. I'm... I'm going to get... I'm going to
put the bourbon in it at home.
Copy !req
322. Yeah.
Copy !req
323. Anyway, seriously, just...
just talk to the guy, okay?
Copy !req
324. And let me know
how it goes.
Copy !req
325. It's Rachel.
Copy !req
326. [ Rachel, thinking ]: You're going to have
a baby and you need to be prepared.
Copy !req
327. Now, you're going to make yourself
watch the whole thing. Just do it!
Copy !req
328. Heh, I came
to the big city to become a star.
Copy !req
329. - I'll do anything to make that happen.
- Anything?
Copy !req
330. [ Rachel, thinking ]: Huh. Maybe it
starts with how she gets pregnant.
Copy !req