1. - Oh! Hey, Rach!
- Hi.
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2. Happy Valentine's Day!
- You too!
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3. Hey, so, uh, how's it going
living over at Ross'?
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4. It's good, except he makes us watch
the Discovery Channel all day long.
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5. Did you know that something
really boring...
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6. happened to someone
really ugly in the Middle Ages?
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7. - Thank you. See you guys later.
- Okay.
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8. - Bye.
- Bye.
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9. That is one lucky
to-go cup of coffee.
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10. Oh, honey.
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11. I wish you'd get over her.
I hate seeing you like this.
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12. Is there anything I can do for you?
Do you wanna look down my top?
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13. Thanks. Maybe later.
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14. - Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?
- You want anything?
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15. You know what I want?
I want a lot of things.
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16. I wanna be with the woman I love
on Valentine's Day!
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17. I want her to love me back.
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18. And I want one moment of relief...
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19. from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing
that's never gonna happen!
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20. We have red bagels.
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21. Okay.
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22. So how does Mona feel about
you and Rachel living together?
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23. I'm on my way to tell her right now.
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24. She's been away all week visiting parents,
but she'll be cool.
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25. She's been so supportive.
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26. She even got the baby a tiny T-shirt
that says, "Fossils are my friends."
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27. Ugh, come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.
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28. - So, uh, I'm gonna take off.
- All right.
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29. Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot!
Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape.
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30. - What is it?
- A video of my friend giving birth.
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31. - Could you bring it back to your apartment?
- All right.
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32. "Candy and Cookie"?
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33. Yeah, Candy's the mother,
Cookie's the daughter.
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34. The father's name is also Cookie.
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35. Why am I friends with these people?
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36. Phoebe, come here. I wanna show you
something in the bathroom.
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37. Ugh, Monica, grow up.
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38. - What do you got behind your back?
- Nothing.
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39. Just something I want
Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
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40. - You don't want my opinion?
- Not really.
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41. Come on, I'm your older brother.
Ask me.
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42. Oh, okay, big brother. Um...
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43. Which one would make
your little sister look hotter...
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44. so your best friend
would want to do her?
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45. The red one.
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46. - Hey.
- Mm.
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47. I know you've been depressed lately,
so I brought someone to cheer you up.
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48. Right outside this door
is a real, live, furry playmate.
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49. No, I'm not sleeping
with your friend Jane again.
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50. Hee-hee!
- Hey, a dog! Oh, hi!
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51. Who, you gotta admit,
looks a lot like Jane.
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52. This is the happiest dog in the world.
I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
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53. So you can keep him until he cheers
you up. And he will cheer you up.
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54. Thanks so much, Pheebs.
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55. We are gonna have so much fun!
Yes we are!
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56. Oh, not that kind of fun.
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57. - Happy Valentine's!
Hey!
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58. I'll be right out.
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59. I'm slipping into something a little less
comfortable and a little more slutty.
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60. "Candy and Cookie"?
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61. Monica got me porn?
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62. Girl-on-girl porn?
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63. She really must love me!
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64. Yeah, just relax.
- I love you, St. Valentine.
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65. Whoa, whoa, that's not pretty.
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66. Now push!
Unh!
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67. Ow! Oh, God, it hurts!
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68. Worst porn ever!
Worst porn ever!
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69. Oh, make it stop!
- I am trying!
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70. Get the ball. Ready? Get the ball!
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71. You're cute, but you're not too smart.
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72. Yeah. Did I just throw this?
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73. - Hi.
- Hi.
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74. I accidentally packed these
with my stuff.
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75. - Who is this?
- That's, uh, Phoebe's friend's dog.
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76. I don't know his real name.
I call him Mozzarella.
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77. Ohh, you are so cute. I wish I could play
with you more, but I've gotta go to work.
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78. I hope I stop talking like this before
my marketing meeting. Yes, I do.
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79. Bye-bye, Joey.
Seriously, I can't stop it.
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80. Come here! Hey!
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81. Hey. That's Rachel.
She's the one who used to live here.
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82. Might as well be honest with you.
We love her.
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83. But we can't have her. No.
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84. I really miss her.
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85. Hey, you understand, right?
You're a guy.
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86. Well, you used to be.
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87. So, what do you think?
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88. I've still got it.
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89. - Why did you get me this?
- What is it?
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90. It's yelling, bleeding, dilating.
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91. Oh, the dilating!
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92. Is this the video of the baby being born?
This is Phoebe's.
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93. Why were you even watching it?
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94. I thought maybe you got me porn
for Valentine's Day.
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95. Chandler, if you thought I was gonna
get you porn for Valentine's Day...
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96. you were right.
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97. Apparently, it's about a girl who moves
to the city in search of stardom...
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98. but ends up having sex
with a lot of guys.
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99. It got four stars.
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100. Oh, wait a minute. Those aren't stars.
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101. - Anyway, you wanna take a look?
- Well...
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102. - I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.
- Hey, what's going on?
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103. Well, remember the first time
you saw Jaws...
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104. how long it took
to go back in the water?
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105. Chandler, we can't let this tape
wreck Valentine's Day.
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106. - You don't know. You didn't see it.
- Childbirth is a natural thing. It's beautiful.
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107. Oh, beautiful? Really? Huh, really?
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108. You think this is beautiful?
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109. Oh, my God!
No wonder my mother hates me!
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110. - See, honey, there's...
- Don't touch me!
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111. - Hi!
- Hey!
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112. - Hi.
- Hi.
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113. - So how was Atlantic City?
- Good.
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114. - I brought you back a present.
- What...?
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115. Come on, you didn't have to...
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116. - Saltwater taffy?
- Ha-ha-ha.
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117. - Thanks.
- Mm.
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118. It's interesting, most people think
this is made with seawater.
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119. But it's actually made with,
uh, salted fresh water.
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120. That's not interesting.
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121. - I think it's interesting.
- I do too. I missed you!
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122. - Me too. How was your week?
- Oh, it was good.
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123. - Actually, the baby started kicking.
- How exciting.
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124. Yeah, aw. It was amazing.
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125. The only sad thing is, I wasn't around
when it happened the first time.
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126. - Oh, no.
- I was missing out on all this stuff.
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127. - Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
- Ha, ha. Yeah, right.
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128. - What?
- Joey cracks me up.
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129. "Yeah, have your ex-wife move in.
That wouldn't be awkward at all." Heh.
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130. Huh. Heh.
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131. Hey, imagine, I go away for a few days...
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132. I come back and my boyfriend is living
with some woman he got pregnant.
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133. So, what'd you tell him?
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134. How could you not tell Mona
that Rachel is living with you?
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135. I don't know. She seemed to think
it was such a crazy idea.
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136. Plus, she, uh... She got me taffy.
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137. - Taffy, really? I've never had any.
- Ever?
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138. My mother was too busy planning her
suicide to provide saltwater treats.
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139. Thank you.
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140. So are you just never gonna tell her?
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141. No, no, I will.
I just want to butter her up first.
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142. I'm gonna take her to an amazing
Valentine's dinner...
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143. do all this romantic stuff.
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144. And then, when she thinks
I'm the best boyfriend in the world...
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145. then I tell her my pregnant
ex-girlfriend is living with me.
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146. If I haven't said it before,
she's a lucky, lucky lady.
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147. So where are...? What the
mother of crap is up with this stuff?
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148. God, is it gum? Is it food?
What's the deal?
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149. Oh, it's nice.
May I try a pink one?
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150. So between her and me being friends,
and her history with Ross...
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151. it just isn't gonna happen.
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152. It'd be like you falling in love
with a cat.
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153. - Hey.
Hey.
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154. Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh?
How's my favorite dog?
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155. You're subdued.
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156. - Did you give him a beer?
- No.
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157. - Will you excuse us? We need to talk.
- Sure.
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158. Oh, me, right.
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159. - He's miserable. What happened to him?
- Nothing.
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160. - We just talked about stuff.
- What stuff?
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161. Rachel stuff.
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162. Oh, Joey, you bummed him out!
This is the happiest dog in the world.
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163. He spends a day with you,
and look at him.
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164. He's breathing.
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165. - I'll take him back to Wendy's.
- No, no, no. He's fine.
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166. Hey, look. Look.
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167. Here's your ball! Get the ball!
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168. Get your ball! Get your ball!
Get your ball!
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169. Get... God, what have I done to you?
Huh?
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170. I broke the dog, Pheebs!
I broke the dog!
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171. I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona.
What you got going on tonight?
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172. Oh, I've got big Valentine's plans.
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173. I've got Chinese food on the way,
and the rest of your saltwater taffy.
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174. It's interesting. Most people think that's
made with seawater, when in fact...
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175. Ross, we actually watched
the documentary together.
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176. Oh, my Chinese food.
I'll get my cash.
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177. Mona?
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178. - What are...? Hi!
- Hi.
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179. What are you doing here?
I'm supposed to pick you up.
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180. Change of plans, I made you
a Valentine's dinner. Surprise!
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181. - Oh! Hey, Mona!
- Hi... Hi, Rachel.
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182. What's she doing here?
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183. I have no idea.
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184. I'll be watching TV
if anybody needs me.
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185. Seriously, what is she doing?
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186. Uh, you know, lately she just likes
hanging out here.
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187. - Why?
- I think she's lonely.
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188. - But it's Valentine's Day.
- I know.
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189. Can't we ask her to go?
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190. Well, no, she's way too emotional.
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191. And by emotional, I mean crazy!
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192. I'm not here!
That's just my Chinese food.
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193. Oh, my God,
she has food delivered here?
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194. Mm-hm, yes, she's emotional, but ballsy.
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195. You know what? I'm gonna
get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
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196. And you thought
she was gonna be in our way!
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197. Okay, why don't you, uh, open
the champagne, and I will be right back.
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198. - I've got a surprise for you.
- You got another ex-wife back there?
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199. Ho, oh! Heh. Please start drinking.
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200. - I'm just gonna grab the phone.
- Oh, Rachel, wait. Hey, um...
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201. I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but, um...
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202. - What are you doing?
- Sorry, do you need the phone?
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203. No. No.
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204. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything,
but this is his apartment.
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205. And we gotta have some boundaries.
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206. So why don't you go to your place
and give us some privacy?
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207. But, Mona, I live here.
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208. Happy Valentine's Day!
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209. Or, something to remember me by.
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210. - How long has it been this time?
- Ninety seconds.
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211. That's better. Ninety seconds
is a long time not to think about it.
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212. Except all I did was think about it.
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213. I know. It haunts me.
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214. Up until now, the worst thing I ever saw...
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215. was my father doing tequila shots
off the naked houseboy.
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216. After this, I would gladly
make that my screen saver.
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217. We have to get past this.
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218. Why don't we get rid of the tape
and pretend it never existed.
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219. - I could do that.
- Okay.
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220. Okay, now all we gotta do
is get rid of this chair.
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221. Come here.
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222. - Oh, thank God!
- Oi.
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223. Come in!
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224. Hi. I'm sorry to barge in
on your Valentine.
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225. I had to get away from the yelling.
Mona is dumping Ross.
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226. - Oh, my God.
- Poor Ross.
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227. Oh, great. We have to watch him
do yoga in his underwear...
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228. but for this he closes the drapes.
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229. Rach, you know that birthing tape
you wanted to see?
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230. Mm-hm.
- It's here.
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231. Oh, and we should warn you before
you watch it. Don't watch it.
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232. Why, you saw it? Is it scary?
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233. Let's just say it's ironic how footage
of someone being born...
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234. can make you want to kill yourself.
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235. Now, wait, now I'm all freaked out.
You guys will watch it with me?
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236. No, but I will leave a sweater that
smells like me right next to you.
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237. Come on, seriously, you're not gonna
make me watch this alone.
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238. She's right. Of course not.
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239. Honey, get the tape.
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240. This reminds me of a very specific
part of the tape.
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241. Okay. Here we go.
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242. Okay. Ahem.
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243. Oh, my.
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244. All right, baby. One more time.
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245. Why is that baby torturing that woman?
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246. Why have I seen this thing
three times?
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247. It's still beautiful.
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248. - Aah! It's horrible!
- I know, I know!
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249. - I'm so sorry for you!
- Oh, my God!
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250. - You guys! You guys, look!
- What? Did her ass explode?
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251. No, the baby's out. Look. Look.
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252. Look at those little fingers and toes.
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253. And look how happy the mom is now.
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254. - Oh, Rach.
- Screw you! You don't have to do it!
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255. - Hey.
- Hey! What...
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256. - What's up?
- Uh, Mona just dumped me.
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257. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
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258. With everything going on lately,
I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend.
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259. I didn't tell her
I got Rachel pregnant.
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260. I gave her a key to my apartment
and then had the locks changed.
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261. Then I lied to her about Rachel
moving in with me.
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262. In a way, I judge her for not
breaking up with me sooner.
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263. That really sucks.
Especially on Valentine's Day.
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264. Yeah. Wait a minute.
What are you doing here?
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265. Joey Tribbiani without a date
on Valentine's Day?
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266. What's going on, huh? Girl trouble?
Heh.
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267. - Sort of. Ha, ha.
- Really?
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268. You don't have to seem
so happy about it.
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269. - Sorry. Well, uh, maybe I can help.
- Oh, I...
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270. Whatever it is,
I am sure it has happened to me.
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271. You know, actually,
once I got dumped during sex.
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272. - So anyway, uh, what is it?
- Forget about it. It's no big deal.
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273. - Come on, what is it?
- It's nothing.
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274. Hey, it's me.
Why can't you tell me?
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275. Okay. Uh, sit down. Um...
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276. There's this woman that I like a lot.
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277. But, uh, it can't happen.
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278. She's not a Tribbiani?
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279. No!
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280. So, uh... So is she someone from work?
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281. Yes.
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282. Well, um, does she like you?
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283. Sometimes I think maybe she could.
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284. But it doesn't matter,
I can't do anything about it.
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285. Why not?
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286. It's complicated.
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287. She was with this other guy.
For a long time.
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288. Someone from work too.
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289. And, uh...
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290. I could never do that to the guy.
We're friends.
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291. So, uh, this guy she used to go out with,
is he still in love with her?
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292. - No, I don't think so.
- Okay.
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293. Is he a good guy?
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294. Yeah, he's the best.
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295. - Then talk to him. He might be fine.
- I don't know.
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296. It's worth finding out,
if you really like her.
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297. I do, so much.
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298. I can't stop thinking about her.
I can't sleep...
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299. Okay, Joey, you know what?
You have to go for it.
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300. How often does this happen to you?
You owe it to yourself.
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301. Here's your warm milk.
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302. I'm gonna put the bourbon
in it at home.
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303. Yeah.
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304. Anyway, seriously,
just talk to the guy, okay?
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305. Let me know how it goes.
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306. It's Rachel.
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307. You're gonna have a baby
and you need to be prepared.
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308. You're gonna make yourself watch
the whole thing. Just do it!
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309. Heh, I came to the big city to become a star.
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310. - I'll do anything to make that happen.
Anything?
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311. Hmm. Maybe it starts
with how she gets pregnant.
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