1. - Hey. What's up?
- I left my guitar here again.
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2. Oh, okay. No problem.
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3. - Okay. Here you go.
- Okay.
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4. Okay, um...
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5. - What?
- You want to hang out or something?
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6. Phoebe, you caught me at a bad time.
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7. - Oh, are you and Chandler...?
- Yes. Exactly.
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8. - Okay. Want me to play for you?
- No.
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9. Hey, Pheebs, what's up?
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10. You ask an intriguing question,
Chandler Bing.
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11. Oh, my God! You're getting a massage?
You never let me massage you.
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12. - Phoebe, I can explain.
- You told me you hate massages.
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13. Buy stamps. Pick up dry cleaning.
Don't let Phoebe in.
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14. I can't believe this.
How long has this been going on?
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15. - Well, uh, Alexandra has...
- Oh, it has a name?
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16. Phoebe, don't get upset.
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17. Okay. Oh, too late! I'm leaving.
Come on, Chandler, let's go.
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18. Well, I thought I'd...
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19. Yeah, what the hell.
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20. - Okay, come on. One more push.
- Unh!
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21. Come on, we're almost there.
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22. Joey, I'm so happy things worked out
for us and we're having this baby together.
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23. - I love you so much.
- Oh, I love you too.
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24. Mm. I hope it's not
an inappropriate time to say this...
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25. but you're the best sex I've ever had.
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26. - That's always appropriate.
- Ha, ha.
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27. Okay, come on, one more push.
One more push.
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28. There we go.
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29. Here is your beautiful baby.
Congratulations.
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30. I hope you're a better father
than you are a friend!
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31. Whoa! Aah, whoa.
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32. - Joey!
- What, what?
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33. - What's going on? Uh...
- Feel this. Come feel my belly.
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34. The baby's kicking for the first time.
Please come feel.
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35. - Really? Uh...
- Yes.
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36. You know what? Maybe, uh, you...
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37. Maybe you should come to me.
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38. - I'm not wearing any bottoms.
- Oh, okay.
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39. - Oh, my God.
- Aah!
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40. It's unbelievable!
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41. Wow, she is kicking so much.
She's like, um...
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42. Who's that kind of
annoying girl soccer player?
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43. - Mia Hamm?
- Mia Hamm!
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44. - Oh! It's amazing.
- Whoa. One hand on the sheet, Joe.
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45. Whoa, eh. Sorry.
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46. - Hey, babe.
- Hey, honey.
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47. We got a wedding gift from Bob and
Faye Bing. They don't like us, do they?
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48. Who says you can't get
a nice punch bowl for under $6?
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49. - Maybe we can take it back.
- Doesn't say where it's from.
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50. - Where would we return it?
- How about to the street, from the balcony?
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51. Why don't we just find a place for it?
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52. How about in that cabinet?
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53. That's where we keep canned goods.
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54. Have you forgotten everything
you learned in orientation?
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55. How about the closet by the bathroom?
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56. Oh. Okay.
Why don't you let me do it.
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57. No, no, no. I will do it.
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58. You have to relax and let your husband
take care of things once in a while.
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59. It's locked. You have to help me.
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60. Why is it locked?
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61. No reason.
I keep private things in there.
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62. You know, I've been living here a while...
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63. and I've never seen
what's in that closet.
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64. What is in there?
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65. Feminine stuff.
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66. Don't try to make me uncomfortable
with feminine stuff!
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67. Nothing in there concerns you.
If you love me, you'll just let it go.
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68. - Fine.
- Thank you.
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69. Love you.
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70. Hello, Chandler.
Lovely day, huh? You.
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71. If it helps, Alexandra's only been
massaging Monica for, like, three years.
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72. If! I said, if it helps.
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73. Why won't you let me massage you?
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74. Uh, well, it's... I'd be self-conscious.
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75. You're my friend. I'd be naked.
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76. We lived together for years.
I've seen you naked.
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77. That's different. We were roommates.
And when?
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78. I'm curious about the human body.
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79. You can understand
why this would be weird for me.
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80. I'm a professional
and I'm really good.
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81. If you're uncomfortable, we can stop.
Just give me a chance, okay? Please?
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82. Okay, if it means that much to you.
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83. It does. How would you feel
if you couldn't share your cooking?
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84. Or imagine how Ross would feel
if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
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85. - Dinosaurs.
- Potato, "potato. "
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86. - Hey.
- Ross, the baby's kicking.
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87. What? It is?
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88. It's not kicking right now.
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89. Although we would love
to see you do that again.
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90. When was it kicking? What happened?
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91. Last night. I felt it. I went into
Joey's room, and he was sleeping.
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92. A dreamless sleep.
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93. My God, the baby's kicking.
That's great.
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94. I wish I would have been there to feel
the kicking for the first time.
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95. I got some stuff going on
in here if you want to feel.
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96. I don't want to miss any more baby
stuff. Here's my pager number.
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97. Anytime anything pregnancy-related
happens, use it. I'll be there.
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98. I don't care if it's 3 in the morning
and you want ice cream.
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99. Wow. Can I get a copy of that?
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100. - Are you under the sheet?
- Yes.
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101. Great, let's begin.
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102. - How's the pressure?
- Ah.
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103. It's nice. Wow, Phoebe, you are good.
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104. Stating the obvious, but thank you.
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105. - And it's not weird, is it?
- No.
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106. That's right, you just enjoy.
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107. Oh, yeah!
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108. Oh, oh!
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109. - Oh, yeah!
- Okay.
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110. Oh, God, Phoebe!
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111. Oh, that's it! That's it, right there! Oh!
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112. I wasn't trying to open your closet.
I wasn't trying, I swear.
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113. Wow. Monica runs a pretty tight ship here,
doesn't she? What are you doing?
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114. Monica has a secret closet.
She won't let me see what's in it.
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115. - Why not?
- I don't know!
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116. What could she possibly be hiding in here
what I can't see?
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117. I don't know. Ooh.
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118. I'll bet it's Richard.
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119. Why would Monica be keeping Richard
in here?
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120. Well, off the top of my head, uh...
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121. maybe she's having her cake
and eating it too.
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122. You being the "cake,"
Richard being the "too. "
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123. - Or...
- And here we go.
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124. I saw this movie once
where there was a door.
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125. Nobody knew what was behind it.
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126. And when they finally got it open, millions
and millions of bugs came pouring out...
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127. and they feasted on human flesh!
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128. You know, it wouldn't kill you
to respect your wife's privacy!
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129. Stupid closet full of bugs!
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130. Joey, something feels weird
and not good weird. I don't... Whoa!
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131. Whoa! Don't worry.
When my sisters were pregnant...
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132. they got every weird feeling
and it was always nothing.
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133. - Really?
- Absolutely.
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134. But we'll stop by the hospital
just to be sure. I'll page Ross.
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135. Okay, oh, God... Ow.
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136. Oh, okay, Rach, look at me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
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137. - Okay.
- Trust me. Take my hand. Here we go.
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138. Ow! Crushing bones!
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139. Good thing we're going to a hospital.
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140. - Hey. So?
- She's fine.
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141. She was experiencing
Braxton Hicks contractions.
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142. - Mild discomfort in the uterine wall.
- Hmm.
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143. Mild discomfort? I take it you've had
one of these Braxton thingies?
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144. - Everything is normal?
- Yes.
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145. - There's no danger to her
or the baby? -No.
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146. Contractions can be unnerving
if you don't know, but she's fine.
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147. Thank you, doctor.
And thank you for being nice and calm.
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148. Calm? I wasn't calm! I've never been
more scared in my life.
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149. - You said everything was okay.
- What do I know? I'm not a doctor.
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150. - But everything is okay. I'm fine.
- You sure?
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151. Yes. I got half a mind
to contract that doctor's uterus.
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152. Mild discomfort!
What's he talking about?
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153. - Is everything okay?
- Everything's fine.
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154. Your page said, "Come to
the hospital. " What happened?
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155. Something called
Braxton Hicks contraction.
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156. Ugh, oh. Ha, ha.
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157. That's no big deal.
Most women don't feel them.
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158. Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
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159. Hey, uh, what's with the candy?
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160. When you beeped me I was at
the concession stand at the movies.
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161. - You went to the movies by yourself?
- No... Mona!
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162. - Oh, I gotta go back in there.
- Why? What's wrong?
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163. - Everything's fine, I just gotta...
- No, really, tell me. What's up?
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164. Look, I forgot my underwear.
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165. So thanks so much
for bringing her to the hospital.
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166. Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
No big deal.
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167. But still, it should have been me.
I'm the dad.
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168. If you have questions...
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169. here's information on Braxton Hicks.
- Thanks.
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170. And by the way, you did the right thing
by bringing her in.
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171. - You're gonna make a wonderful father.
- Oh, uh...
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172. Hey, not as good as this guy.
He brought Twizzlers.
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173. - There has got to be a way.
- Easy there, Captain Kirk.
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174. - Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
- Yeah.
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175. Oh, no, wait.
I'm not a 9-year-old girl.
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176. Then why do you throw like one?
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177. - Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
- Oh, sure, "Monica. "
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178. So how's the hideously
inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
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179. Really good. I should be ready
to kill myself any day now.
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180. Well, you sure found that quick.
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181. I just wish I didn't feel this way
about Rachel.
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182. I wish things could go back to normal.
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183. I mean, I love living with her,
and helping out with the baby is amazing.
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184. But now I think Ross feels left out.
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185. You know?
When I had to take Rachel to the hospital...
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186. the doctor thought I was the father.
God, you...
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187. You should have seen
the look on Ross' face.
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188. By the way,
I have no idea what I'm doing here.
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189. For all I know, I'm locking it more.
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190. Hey, you try opening it with a credit card?
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191. - That's a good idea. Okay.
- Yeah.
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192. - So, uh, Ross is kind of bummed, huh?
- Ugh.
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193. - I ju... I feel terrible.
- It's not your fault.
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194. What are you gonna do,
not take her to the hospital?
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195. You're doing nothing wrong.
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196. Except for harboring an all-consuming
love for the woman carrying his baby.
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197. Richard, if you're in there,
could you pass me my credit card?
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198. - Hey.
- Hey.
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199. I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing.
That massage felt so good.
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200. No, no, I got that.
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201. So, um, what do you say
we make it a weekly appointment?
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202. Okay.
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203. You should know though,
I've, um, raised my rates to $200 an hour.
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204. - Okay.
- I mean 500.
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205. - What?
- 600.
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206. What's going on?
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207. Oh, you make sex noises
when you get massaged.
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208. - Wha...?
- And it really freaked me out.
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209. After a while, I even tried to hurt you
and it just spurred you on.
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210. What? You're crazy. There's nothing sexual
about the noises I make.
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211. Really? There's nothing sexual
about this?
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212. Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh!
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213. What are you looking at?
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214. I mean, hi.
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215. This is so embarrassing.
I'm never gonna get massaged again.
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216. No, you can't let this stop you
from getting massages.
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217. Look, I have lots of clients
that make the same noises you do.
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218. - Really?
- Well, not clients. Lovers.
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219. Let's just... We'll try it again. Come back,
and we'll work through it.
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220. - You sure?
- Yes.
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221. - I guess.
- Great! Now, if you'll just excuse me.
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222. So did you hear something you liked?
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223. Hey, Ross, check it out!
I learned a new trick. Huh?
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224. - Hey, uh, I brought you some lunch.
- Oh!
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225. - That's so sweet of you. Oh, yum.
- Eh.
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226. Mm, mm.
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227. - Did you put pickles on this?
- Well, yeah.
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228. What? What? Rach, what?
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229. - What's going on?
- I made her favorite, tuna with pickle.
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230. Pickle? Pickle makes her sick.
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231. Giving her pickle is
like giving me salad.
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232. I'm sorry, I didn't know.
You gonna be okay?
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233. I'll be fine.
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234. But someone make sure
that sandwich is gone when I get out.
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235. I'm on it!
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236. I can't believe this. I shouldn't be the one
making her throw up.
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237. - Dude, relax. It could happen to anyone.
- Not to you. You know this stuff.
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238. I don't know any of it
and I'm the father.
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239. I just... I wish I could be
more involved, you know?
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240. Ugh.
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241. Well, if anyone is keeping score,
I no longer eat tuna.
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242. Hey, uh, can I talk to you guys
for a second?
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243. - Yeah.
- What's up?
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244. Well... Sit down.
I wanna talk about our situation.
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245. Are you breaking up with us?
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246. The thing is...
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247. because I live with Rachel,
I'm here for a lot of the stuff.
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248. Okay, and Ross...
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249. Ross is missing everything. So...
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250. Yeah?
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251. Maybe you two should live together.
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252. Are you asking me to move out?
Do you not want me here?
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253. No, I love living with you.
It just seems that...
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254. if you're gonna have a roommate,
it may as well be the father.
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255. But, Joey, I don't think Ross wants me
to move in to his apartment...
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256. and disrupt his life like that. I mean...
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257. Or he does.
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258. I would love to be around
for you and the baby.
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259. We can just try it,
like on a temporary basis.
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260. - But it's you and me.
- It wouldn't be anything romantic.
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261. And I'm dating Mona. Damn it, Mona!
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262. I was supposed to meet her
an hour ago. What is wrong with me?
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263. So, what do you think?
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264. - I don't know. Is it crazy?
- No. No, it's not...
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265. Joey, this is a smart idea.
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266. Well, I was due.
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267. - Okay, let's do it. I'll move in.
- Really?
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268. - Oh, Rach, that's great. That's great.
- Mm.
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269. Not too shabby.
I got this all off myself...
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270. using my wife's tools.
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271. Oh, my God.
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272. How did you get in there?
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273. You're messy.
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274. - No! You weren't supposed to see this!
- I married Fred Sanford.
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275. No, Chandler, you don't understand.
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276. Okay, okay, fine! Now you know. Okay?
I'm sick.
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277. No, honey, you're not sick. I don't
love you because you're organized.
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278. I love you in spite of that.
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279. Really?
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280. - Promise you won't tell anyone?
- Yes.
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281. Now that I know, if I've got extra stuff
lying around, can we share the closet?
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282. Oh. Well, it's just, um...
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283. I'm afraid you might mess it up.
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284. - Hey.
- Hey.
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285. So Rachel's all moved out, huh?
How you taking it?
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286. Well, uh, I wanted to have a few beers...
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287. but, uh, I got rid of those because
Rachel couldn't stand the smell of them.
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288. I have thrown back a lot
of orange juice with calcium though.
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289. And, uh, it's a couple weeks past its
expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.
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290. - Are you okay?
- You kidding me? Yeah, I'm great.
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291. I'm, uh... I'm better than great. I am good.
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292. Now that she's gone, I can, uh...
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293. I can do all the stuff around here
that I couldn't do before. You know?
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294. Like, um...
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295. I can walk around naked again.
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296. You know? I can, uh...
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297. I can watch porn in the living room.
Right?
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298. This is, uh... This is good for me.
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299. I like being on my own.
I'm better off this way.
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300. I'm a... I'm a lone wolf.
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301. A loner. Alone.
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302. All alone. Forever.
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303. What's a wolf gotta do
to get a hug around here?
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304. - That's it, just relax.
- Unh.
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305. Oh, oh!
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306. - Come on, more.
- Oh, God!
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307. You like that, don't you?
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308. - Yeah, right there.
- Want it there? Take it there, baby.
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309. - Phoebe?
- Yeah, say my name. Say it.
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310. And now I'm going
to cover you back up.
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311. And, um, I won't be speaking with you
for several weeks.
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