Friends 8x13

Directed by

Amanda Carlin as Dr. Long • James Michael Tyler as Gunther

Monica turns Chandler on to the concept of taking a bath to relax, complete with scented oils and candles. Ross and Rachel toss baby names back and forth while deciding whether to learn the baby's sex. Meanwhile, Joey struggles with his feelings for Rachel.

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1. [ Joey, thinking ]: All right. It's a new day. All that stuff about Rachel?

2. You don't feel that now. It was crazy. You're fine. You're better than fine.

3. You are, as your friend Tony would say, "Grrreat!"

4. Everything's normal. She's just your friend Rachel.

5. Your friend Rachel. Your friend. Rachel.

6. Hi, sweetie.

7. [ Joey, thinking ]: Hey, it's your girlfriend Rachel!

8. Hi.

9. Are you... are you high?

10. I just had the most amazing bath.

11. - Really? I don't like baths. - Wait, you like them with me.

12. Honey, it's not the bath I enjoy. It's the wet, naked lady.

13. - Baths are so relaxing. - Really? What do you do?

14. You just sit in there, stewing in your own filth.

15. How dirty do you think I am?

16. I'm telling you, if you had some candles and bubbles and music, you would love it.

17. It would take all of your stress away.

18. Honey, it's 2:00 on a Wednesday, and I'm watching "Road Rules."

19. How stressed do you think I am?

20. - Hey, Chandler. - Hey.

21. You got a minute? I really need to talk to you.

22. Oh, uh, yeah. Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meat loaf talk?

23. - Well, neither. - Oh, my God, what's up?

24. I don't know. It's just... lately, I've been feeling...

25. okay, here's what it is. Heh.

26. You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks.

27. No, no, no, no. Just come back.

28. All right.

29. Okay. Um... you and Monica, friends for a long time,

30. and sure, there are rules. But then you went to London.

31. No, but that's different. I mean, there are rules there, too. You know what I mean?

32. Do you?

33. It was different for you guys. I mean, you were both in the same place, right?

34. - In London? - Yeah.

35. Yes, when Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.

36. You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget all about it.

37. And listen, do me a favor, this conversation... between you and me.

38. If that.

39. Hi. Oh, Ross, don't forget we have that doctor's appointment tomorrow.

40. - Right. - You going to

41. find out the sex of the baby?

42. No, no. We talked about it, and we don't want to know.

43. All we care about is that it's happy and healthy.

44. - Yep. Happy and healthy and cute. - And smart.

45. - Popular. - With an aptitude for science.

46. Are you two talking about the same baby?

47. Hey, have you started thinking of names yet?

48. Oh, yeah. I've come up with a bunch of ideas.

49. - Really? Me, too. - Me, too!

50. - Really? - Uh-huh.

51. If it's a girl, Phoebe, and if it's a boy, Phoebo.

52. Maybe. But it wouldn't hurt to have a backup, you know?

53. - Uh, Rach... Rach, what were you thinking? - Okay.

54. Um, I was thinking, if it's a girl,

55. - how about... Sandrine? It's French. - Huh.

56. That's a really pretty name for... for an industrial solvent.

57. Hmm.

58. - Okay, fine. What do you have? - All right, it's for a boy.

59. I know it's a little out there, but...

60. Darwin.

61. Wow. My God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.

62. Yeah, by Sandrine.

63. You're just saying that 'cause I said no to your name.

64. I'm really, really not.

65. How about you each get five vetoes?

66. - All right. That sounds fair. - All right. Yeah.

67. I don't think you're going to need it, though.

68. Okay, check it out. If it's a girl, Rain.

69. - Veto. - Why?

70. Rain? "Hi. Hi, my name is Rain.

71. "I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat."

72. I know her!

73. I bought a homemade soap from her at a Dead show!

74. - Okay, how about for a guy, Thatcher? - Ross, why do you hate our child?

75. - Fine, you go. - Okay. James.

76. Huh.

77. - But only if it's a girl. - Oh, veto.

78. Uh, how about... ooh, I like Ruth. What about Ruth?

79. Oh, I'm sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old?

80. - How about Dayton? - Veto. Stewart?

81. Veto. Sawyer?

82. - Veto. Helen? - Veto.

83. Is it me, or is "veto" starting to sound really good?

84. Hey.

85. Boy, do I have a surprise for you.

86. Sex on the balcony?

87. No, but someone's really not going to get over that idea, are they?

88. - What is it? - I drew you a bath.

89. Honey, I don't like baths. Could you draw me

90. a picture of us having sex on the balcony?

91. Please, will you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff.

92. I lit some candles, I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath.

93. And got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it's a boy bath.

94. - Well, this does butch it up a bit. - I swear, if you try it, you will love it.

95. All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?

96. Absolutely.

97. Bet I know how that discussion's going to go.

98. All right. Oh, this isn't so bad. I like the flowery smell.

99. Which is okay, because I've got my boat.

100. - So? - Oh, my God.

101. I told you you were a bath person.

102. Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial.

103. I'm going to need a bigger boat.

104. I don't think you had an open mind about the name Ruth.

105. I mean, come on. Little Ruthie Geller? How cute is that?

106. Oh, oh, my God. I can practically hear the mahjong tiles.

107. Okay. All your tests look fine.

108. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of the baby?

109. - Uh, no. No, we're not. - But you have it right there in that file?

110. You could tell us whether it's a boy or a girl?

111. Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?

112. That's right. But if you don't want to know...

113. - No, no, we want to wait, right? - Right. Right.

114. Oh, I'll be right back.

115. And, uh, I know it's really not my place,

116. but please don't name your child Phoebo.

117. So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?

118. What? Rach, come on. That's terrible.

119. They're, uh, they're babies. They're.. they're all beautiful.

120. - Third one from the left? - Yeah, why is it staring at me?

121. I think it knows I'm talking about it.

122. Don't-don't you... wha... wha?

123. - What? - You're looking!

124. - I didn't. - I saw you!

125. Okay, fine, I did. But I didn't see anything, I swear.

126. Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!

127. Okay, but, Ross, just listen to me...

128. No, no, no, no! Don't tell me! I don't want to know!

129. But I couldn't, even if I wanted to, because I don't know.

130. I swear, I didn't see anything, and I don't want to know.

131. It was just a momentary lapse.

132. "Momentary lapse." Don't you have any self-control?

133. Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.

134. Hello?

135. I'm in the bathroom. Can you come in here?

136. I think there's something wrong.

137. You know what? I think I'll wait out here.

138. - I'm in the bathtub. - Oh.

139. - Hey, what's wrong? - I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong.

140. The water's tepid, the salt didn't dissolve and is now... lodged places.

141. And the scents I used don't compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile? Oh!

142. - What? - The bath salts...

143. they're starting to effervesce.

144. It's different. It's interesting.

145. Okay, let's talk about something else.

146. Yeah, sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!

147. Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey.

148. He was talking about rules and right and wrong and...

149. - I had the exact same conversation. - You did? What was he talking about?

150. I don't know. Joey hasn't had this much trouble

151. getting out words since we saw him in "Macbeth."

152. Uh. That was a long night.

153. All right, let's break this down. What exactly did he say to you?

154. Okay. He was talking about rules and looking at people differently.

155. - He didn't say anything about that to me. - What'd he tell you?

156. He was asking all these questions about you, me and London,

157. and, of course, the glue that holds us all together... the rules.

158. Okay, so you, me and London,

159. looking at people differently.

160. Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London with someone.

161. But what did he mean by "rules"?

162. Wait a minute. He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in.

163. Because he was looking at her differently.

164. And Phoebe is his friend,

165. so he thinks that would be breaking the rules.

166. My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!

167. - You guys? - Um, just a minute!

168. - That's Mrs. Tribbiani. - You don't say anything.

169. Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends

170. could start the greatest love affair of their lives?

171. And they would have me to thank, and then we could all start having babies!

172. - I'm not going to let you say anything. - You just stay here.

173. Oh, God!

174. Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.

175. Oh, you had that? I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago.

176. Oh, just as well. I broke this one.

177. - What? - Nothing.

178. Okay.

179. I mean, I really shouldn't say. I mean, I'm really not supposed to.

180. Fine.

181. It's a humdinger.

182. Well, then it's really too bad that you can't tell me.

183. Somebody likes you.

184. - Ugh. Is it Chandler? - No.

185. - Well, then tell him to stop staring. - It's Joey.

186. Really? Joey? You don't say.

187. - Is it something you'd be interested in? - I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

188. You know, I mean, on the one hand, "Mother, may I?"

189. But, you know, on the other hand...

190. no. No, I can't. We're friends.

191. No. Oh, no. I don't want to risk what we have.

192. I guess that makes sense. So, you think you're going to talk to him?

193. Sure, yeah. I mean, it's Joey. I don't want him to get hurt.

194. Well, I must say I am on fire. First Chandler, now Joey.

195. - No, no. Not Chandler, just Joey. - Sure.

196. - Hi. - Hey.

197. You know what? I've been thinking about it. I'm really coming around on the name Ruth.

198. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.

199. Rach, I can't tell you how much that means to me. Oh...

200. wait a minute. Wait a minute.

201. You... you hated the name Ruth. Why... why would you change your mind?

202. Unless... you know we're never going to have to use it.

203. You did see the folder. You know it's a boy!

204. I didn't see anything. I actually changed my mind about the name.

205. Oh, I don't think so. You're just giving me Ruth,

206. so you'll get to name him when it's a boy.

207. And then that's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or... Sequoia.

208. I would... Sequoia?

209. - Veto. - Fine.

210. Unless... you anticipated that I would figure all this out,

211. and you know that it actually is a girl, and...

212. and you really do want her to be named Ruth.

213. Well, I'm not falling for that! Okay, Ruth is off the table!

214. - But, Ross, you want the name Ruth. - Not like this.

215. - Hey. - Hey. Well, what's up?

216. - Um, Joey, I know. - What?

217. - I know. - What...?

218. - I know about your feelings. - Oh, my God. You do?

219. Yes, and I'm sorry. I know things worked out

220. for Chandler and Monica, but that's very rare.

221. I know, I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys.

222. I mean, it's Rachel, for God's sakes.

223. For God's sakes, it's Rachel!

224. I know, I know! And she's not only my friend... she's my pregnant friend.

225. She's my pregnant friend who's Ross' ex.

226. Yeah, that's Rachel. Beat me over the head with it.

227. What... what am I going to do? You know, and I keep

228. trying to get rid of these feelings, you know?

229. I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I don't like about her.

230. - You want to hear it? - Yeah.

231. "She made me switch to light mayo." That's it! That's all I got!

232. And you know what? Tastes the same, and my pants fit better.

233. Joey, I think you're just getting upset for nothing.

234. - This is probably just a crush. - You think?

235. Absolutely. You know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away.

236. Yeah, just a crush. That's all this is. It's a crush.

237. I'm Joey. I don't get deep feelings.

238. That's right. There you go. Yeah, crushes happen all the time.

239. I know I've had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler.

240. - Well... - You know...

241. and I'm sure you've had them for us.

242. Not really.

243. Mm-hmm. Throw me a bone here.

244. So, I, uh... I called the doctor,

245. - and now we both know the sex of the baby. - What?

246. That's right. The student has become the master.

247. - Ross, I swear, I don't know. - Oh, come on, you know it's a girl.

248. - A what? - You... you really didn't know?

249. - We're having a girl? - No.

250. - That's what you just said. - No.

251. - You said girl. - Yes. I'm... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

252. I'm not. We're having a girl!

253. Sometimes I can't believe it's with you. But still... we're having a girl! Oh!

254. I know. I know. You know what? I'm putting Ruth back on the table.

255. Oh... yes, we'll have ourselves a little baby Ruth.

256. - Permission to veto. - Yes, please.

257. - Hey. - Do I smell essential oils?

258. Yeah. I'm going to take a bath. I was just going to get a magazine.

259. Okay.

260. What do you think you're doing?

261. Leaving my troubles behind?

262. All right, look, I know that you're new at this,

263. but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum.

264. Oh, it's so hard to care when you're this relaxed.

265. Okay, fine. You can have the bath, but I am taking your boat.

266. Now you're just a girl in a tub.

267. Ooh... oh.

268. - Hey! - Hi, bubbles. Manly.

269. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey.

270. - You told her? - She pulled it out of me.

271. She's like a conversational wizard. How did it go?

272. - Well, you were wrong. He doesn't like me. - What?

273. Yeah. How would you like it if I sent you to Lee

274. Majors' house and I told you that he liked you,

275. and you went down there, and you found out

276. that he didn't like you... how would you feel?

277. - I don't think I'd care. - Really? Lee Majors is hot.

278. - Hello? - We're in the bathroom.

279. Why?

280. Because it's a relaxing and enjoyable time.

281. - What are you guys doing in here? - Oh, my God.

282. A friend he's looking at differently, but it's wrong...

283. - it's Rachel. - You like Rachel?

284. Look, it's no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it.

285. It's just a crush. It's going to go away.

286. Dude, you got to rearrange your bubbles. Whoa.

287. - Mazel tov. - Yeah.

288. - Hey. Ooh... hi. - Hey.

289. - Hey. - Ross and I were looking for you.

290. What are we all doing in here? Oh, my.

291. Honey, cover it up with the boat.

292. Hello?

293. Yes, we're all in here, and we'd love for you to join us.

294. Hi.

295. Well, hey... what's going on? Ooh, cool boat. Oh, no.

296. - Hey, did you tell them? - No. I was waiting for you.

297. - Tell us what? - We're having a girl.

298. Oh, wow! Really?

299. - Oh, my God!

300. I'll... I'll get you later.

301. [ Joey, thinking ]: All right, it's a new day, and it's just a crush,

302. that's all. Just a little crush.

303. All that worrying I was doing... that was crazy... crazy!

304. Like my friend the bird here would say, "It was cuckoo!"

305. Everything's going to be fine. It's just a crush.

306. - Hi, sweetie. - [ Joey, thinking ]: I love you.

307. It's nice to do this together, isn't it?

308. Yeah. And what you're doing feels so good.

309. - I'm not touching you. - You're not?

310. - It's the salts. - Oh, sweet Lord, new realms of pleasure.

311. Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy.