1. - Phoebe.
- Yeah?
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2. Look at that guy by the window. Wow!
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3. He's awfully short.
And I think he's talking to himself.
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4. And to be completely honest,
he's not that good in bed.
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5. Ugh, what is wrong with me lately?
It's, like, every guy I see.
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6. Look at that guy, for example.
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7. Normally that's not someone
that I would be attracted to.
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8. But right now,
with the way I'm feeling...
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9. all I wanna do is rip off
his sweatpants and fanny pack.
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10. Wait a second! This is about
the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
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11. - Yeah.
- This is completely normal.
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12. Around the fourth month,
your hormones go crazy.
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13. - Really? So this happened to you?
- Absolutely, yeah.
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14. And keep in mind, I was carrying triplets.
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15. So in medical terms,
I was thrice as randy.
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16. Wow, this explains so much.
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17. Last weekend, I went from store
to store, sitting on Santas' laps.
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18. Yeah, I remember trying to steal...
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19. a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield
from a Footlocker.
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20. - Ugh.
- Yeah, ugh.
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21. I go see my doctor tomorrow.
I'll ask her about this.
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22. Maybe she can give me
a pill or something.
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23. Yeah, that's what you need.
A good pill.
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24. - Hey.
- Hey.
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25. - Hey.
- Hi.
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26. Look, I got our pictures developed.
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27. Oh, great. Joey, wanna check out
pictures of me and Mona ice-skating?
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28. Oh, uh, ordinarily I would love to,
but I am just swamped right now.
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29. Where are the pictures that creepy
pretzel vendor took of us together?
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30. Oh, yeah. Probably at the end.
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31. Oh, my God. All he took
were pictures of my breasts!
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32. I'm missing picture time?
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33. You know, she has a face, Ross.
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34. - Okay, here's a good one of us.
- Wow, that is a good one.
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35. Wow, It looks like a holiday card...
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36. with the tree in the middle
and the skaters and the snow. Heh.
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37. Every year I say I'll send cards
and I never do it.
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38. Do you wanna send
this one out together?
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39. Together? Like, to people?
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40. Yeah, "Happy Holidays,
from Mona and Ross." It'll be cute. Okay?
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41. Heh. Uh, okay.
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42. - Oh, I gotta get to work. Call me later?
- Sure.
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43. - Bye, guys.
Bye.
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44. - Bye.
- Yeah.
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45. Congratulations! You just got married!
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46. I know. Can you believe that?
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47. I'm sorry. What's the big deal
about a holiday card?
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48. Married couples send out cards.
Families send out cards.
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49. People who've been dating a few months
do not send out cards. Is she crazy?
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50. Hey, hey, hey.
That's your wife you're talking about.
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51. - Bing! Ho, and the Bingette!
- Ah, heh.
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52. - Honey, you remember my boss, Doug.
- Yes. Hi.
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53. So, good news, the divorce is final.
I signed the papers this a.m.
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54. I didn't know you were getting
a divorce. I'm sorry.
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55. Heh, sorry? Finally chewed my leg out
of that bear trap.
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56. - Hey! Congratulations to you guys.
- Heh. No leg-chewing for us.
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57. Well, give it time.
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58. So! The divorce, the marriage,
we got a lot to celebrate.
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59. How about we go out to dinner
tomorrow night?
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60. I can't think
of anything we're doing.
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61. Why can't I think of anything
we're doing?
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62. Tomorrow night it is.
I should be out of court by 6.
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63. They keep throwing sexual harassment
cases at me...
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64. and I keep knocking them
out of the park! Ha-ha-ha.
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65. Okay, see you tomorrow.
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66. Just so you know,
we're not seeing him tomorrow.
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67. I cannot spend another evening
with that man.
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68. Remember how he behaved
at our wedding?
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69. - No.
- Because he wasn't invited.
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70. Because of the way he behaved
at our engagement party.
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71. Oh, yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through
an ice sculpture, doesn't it?
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72. - Hi!
- Hey.
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73. Hey, I went by the photo shop.
Take a look.
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74. Here is a mockup of our card.
What do you think?
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75. Huh. Wow, this is great.
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76. Now, do you think it should say,
"Love, Ross and Mona"?
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77. Well, we haven't said that
to each other yet...
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78. but I guess it's okay
to say it to other people.
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79. - How many did you want? I'm getting 100.
- A hundred? Ha-ha-ha.
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80. Well, I, uh, guess I'll take, uh...
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81. Mona?
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82. Uh, I don't... I'm not sure
about the whole, uh, card thing.
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83. Really? Why not?
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84. Sending out a holiday card together?
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85. I just don't know
if we're really quite there yet.
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86. I didn't think of it that way.
You're right. You're right.
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87. - So can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
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88. - Where are we?
- Huh?
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89. You know, where are we?
Where is this relationship going?
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90. Hmm.
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91. I mean, I love spending time with you.
I hope we're moving forward.
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92. We should talk about that,
don't you think?
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93. Let's do the card!
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94. - What?
- The card! I think we're there.
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95. Okay, but I still think
we should have this conversation.
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96. Really? I mean, even with the card?
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97. - Hi.
- Hi.
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98. Just so you know, Dr. Long can't be here
today. She was called to the hospital.
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99. So Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
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100. Okay. Can I ask you a question?
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101. Was it me, or was the guy who
took my blood sample really cute? Heh.
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102. You know who I'm talking about?
Bowl haircut, hairy fingers?
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103. - Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Schiff.
- Yes, you are.
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104. So how's it going?
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105. Oh, it's really good.
But enough about me! Come on. Heh.
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106. Where are you from? What do you do?
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107. - I'm a doctor.
- Right. I meant...
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108. you know, in your spare time.
Do you cook? Ski?
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109. Or hang out with your wife
or girlfriend?
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110. Uh, I don't have a wife or girlfriend,
but I do ski.
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111. I love to ski! How amazing is this?
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112. - Are you experiencing any discomfort?
- No, I'm very comfortable.
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113. - Any painful gas?
- No!
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114. Ew, Dr. Schiff!
What kind of question is that?
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115. Okay, then. Would you like
to lie down on the table?
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116. Would you like me
to lie down on the table?
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117. - Sorry, is there something going on here?
- Do you feel it too?
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118. - Hi.
- Oh, hey. So...
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119. how did your doctor's appointment go?
- Well, let's see.
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120. Uh, they gave me
"cute boy" doctor today.
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121. In the middle of the exam
I put my pinkie in his chin dimple.
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122. - Oh, my God!
- Why did you do that?
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123. Okay, remember that problem I was having
during my fourth month of pregnancy?
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124. Oh, yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase.
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125. Oh, man. You were so hard up,
you practically came on to me.
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126. You wish!
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127. Hey, I could've had you if I wanted you.
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128. Oh, yeah? Come and get it.
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129. Okay, even this is turning me on.
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130. - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
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131. Hey, Ross. How's it going
with you and Mona?
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132. You guys still together?
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133. Oh, yeah, we're moving forward.
You'll be getting our card.
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134. You and Mona
are doing a holiday card together?
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135. We're not just doing a card.
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136. She also wants to have the conversation
about where the relationship is going.
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137. Ugh, women.
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138. I know! Why do you guys need
to have this conversation, huh?
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139. No self-respecting man would ask a woman,
"So where is this going?"
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140. Uh, Ross, you asked me that.
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141. Hey, you were a closed book, okay?
I'm not a mind reader!
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142. Besides, I hate those conversations.
I'm horrible at them, really.
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143. Maybe I need some kind of a gesture.
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144. Something that says we're moving forward
without having to talk about it.
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145. - Like asking her to move in with you?
- Wha...? Ha. Smaller than that.
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146. - Making her a mix tape?
- Uh, bigger than that.
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147. - Give her a key to your apartment.
- Whoa, hello. We were closer with the tape.
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148. Have you said "I love you"?
Say, "I love you."
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149. I don't... I don't think I'm quite there yet.
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150. But, oh, I could say,
"I love spending time with you."
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151. - No, we hate that.
- That is a slap in the face.
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152. Oh, forget it. You know what?
I'll just have the conversation.
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153. I'll just say, "I like things the way
they are," and hope for the best.
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154. What do you think, Rach?
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155. I think if it was
a little colder in here...
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156. I could see your nipples
through that sweater.
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157. Bing, we're all set for tonight. 8:00.
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158. Oh, uh, as it turns out, we can't do it.
Monica has to work.
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159. Oh. My ex-wife didn't work.
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160. Unless you call turning
into her mother "work."
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161. Now, fine. Tomorrow night, then.
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162. Oh, uh, well,
tomorrow's no good for her, either.
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163. Oh? Why not?
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164. It's the semifinals...
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165. of her...
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166. bocce ball tournament.
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167. - Ahem.
- What's going on, Bing?
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168. Does, uh, your wife have a problem
with me, or something?
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169. Well now you're just talking crazy.
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170. Then why can't the three of us
go out together?
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171. Because, uh, we split up.
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172. Monica and I split up.
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173. Hold me.
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174. Good God, Bing.
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175. Well, I can't say
I'm altogether surprised.
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176. I saw the way she looked at you,
and there was no love there.
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177. And the way she looked at me,
pure lust.
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178. What would help me
through this tough time...
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179. is choking someone.
Can I choke you?
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180. Bing, my boy,
we're gonna get you over this.
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181. Here's the plan: Grab your coat,
we're going to a strip club!
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182. Oh, no, Monica would freak.
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183. But to hell with that bitch!
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184. Here we go.
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185. Ah, Mona, um...
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186. I think it's time we had a conversation
about where things are with us.
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187. Yeah, I think I suggested that.
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188. Heh. Uh, we are so...
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189. So, um...
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190. well, I really like you.
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191. And I love, um, you know,
hanging out with you.
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192. And I'm having a lot of fun.
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193. Okay.
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194. I mean, there's no point in spending time
with someone if it's just fun.
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195. - It's gotta be going somewhere, right?
- Ha, ha.
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196. So where is it going?
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197. Ah.
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198. That's the real question.
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199. And the answer is...
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200. it's going somewhere...
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201. fun.
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202. I know what you're thinking.
Fun was fine for you 10 years ago.
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203. - Ha-ha-ha.
- But you're not getting any younger.
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204. No, I mean, not you. Not you.
You are getting younger!
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205. You look like you're getting younger
by the second. What's your secret?
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206. I'm sorry, so, uh, where are we?
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207. Well, to sum up:
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208. We're having fun. You look young.
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209. - Okay...
- But that's not enough.
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210. So, heh, so...
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211. here's a key to my apartment.
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212. - Really?
- Really.
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213. - You don't think this is too fast?
- Mm-mm.
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214. You gave her a key
to your apartment?
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215. Not just a key,
I gave her the only key!
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216. I am now a homeless person
in a very serious relationship.
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217. - Oh, Ross, how'd the conversation go?
- Great. I live on the street.
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218. Where?
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219. - Hey!
Hi.
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220. Okay, Monica, Rachel,
this is my friend Roger.
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221. - Hi, Roger.
Hi, Roger.
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222. - Hi.
- So, um, I'm gonna get us some drinks.
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223. - Okay.
- Could you help me?
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224. Yeah, okay.
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225. Um, he's here to have sex with you.
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226. - What?
- You're welcome.
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227. Phoebe, no!
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228. It's okay. He's a virgin.
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229. Rachel, um, I was talking to this guy...
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230. and I think he'll have sex with you.
- Okay...
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231. - Yeah, okay. Let's leave these two alone.
- Aah!
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232. No. I don't care
what my hormones are doing.
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233. I'm not gonna just do it
with some random guy.
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234. Fine. Then you tell Roger.
He was really looking forward to this.
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235. Ooh, Bing, look at those twin sisters
dancing together.
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236. Let me buy you a lap dance
with those girls, huh?
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237. That's all right, sir.
And that's just one girl.
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238. Bing, what's this?
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239. It's a hand. It's a thing you use
as a Jack and Coke holder.
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240. No, it's a wedding ring.
You gotta get rid of it.
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241. We're gonna go to the East River
and throw it in!
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242. - Oh, no, no, no!
- Yeah, yeah!
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243. I did, and I felt a hell of a lot better!
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244. If you whip it right,
you might hit a seagull in the head.
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245. Okay. Oh, I'm gonna need
a bunch of extra keys.
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246. Apparently, I give them away
for no reason at all.
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247. Hey, Ross, what's going on?
You changing the lock?
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248. No, heh.
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249. That guy is.
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250. I don't understand.
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251. You give me a key to your apartment
and then change the lock?
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252. - Uh...
- Good luck, buddy.
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253. Um, I thought we were moving forward.
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254. And now you're sending me
all these mixed signals.
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255. What are you trying to tell me?
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256. I'm trying to tell you...
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257. I made you a mix tape.
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258. - What?
- I love you.
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259. Oh! Aww!
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260. Heh, oh.
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261. And I love spending time with you.
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262. - Hi, honey, I'm home.
- From the tequila factory?
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263. It was awful.
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264. To get out of dinner with Doug,
I told him you and I split up.
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265. So he took me to all these strip clubs
and sleazy bars.
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266. And when I wouldn't give him my wedding
ring, he threw a soda can at a bird.
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267. Come here.
I can breathe through my mouth.
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268. Know what the worst part was?
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269. I got to see what my life
would be like without you.
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270. It was like It's a Wonderful Life
with lap dances.
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271. Please promise me
that you'll never leave me...
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272. that we'll grow old together,
and be with each other the rest of our lives.
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273. I promise.
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274. Hey, speaking of together, how about
we send out a holiday card this year?
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275. Ooh, I don't know if we're there yet.
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276. Yes, I'd like to order a pizza.
Can I ask you a question?
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277. Is the cute blond guy delivering tonight?
Very "Abercrombie & Fitch."
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278. - I'll call you back.
- Who was that?
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279. - Just the pizza place.
- You hung up on the pizza place?
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280. I don't hang up on your friends.
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281. - Sorry, I'm just having a rough day.
- Oh. What's wrong?
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282. - Oh, you really don't wanna hear about it.
- Then why did I ask?
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283. Okay. It's just that
this is really embarrassing.
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284. But lately with this pregnancy thing...
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285. I'm just finding myself...
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286. How do I put this? Um...
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287. Erotically charged.
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288. Is that college talk for "horny"?
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289. Yeah. So, you know,
I have all of these feelings...
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290. and I don't know
what to do about them.
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291. Because I can't date
like a normal person.
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292. Which is fine,
I don't need a relationship.
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293. All I really want is one great night.
Just sex.
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294. You know?
No strings attached. No relationship.
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295. Just with someone I feel comfortable with
and who knows what he's doing.
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296. For just one great night.
I mean, is that really so hard...
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297. to find?
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298. So how was your day?
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299. Good. I, uh, saw a pretty big pigeon.
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300. I gotta get up early,
and it's almost 7:00.
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301. Yeah, I gotta go to my room too.
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302. Okay, good night.
- Good night!
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303. - I can't do it!
- I didn't ask you to!
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304. - You're Rachel!
- You're Joey!
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305. - You're my friend! Yeah.
- Right back at you.
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306. Plus, it would be wrong,
and weird and bad!
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307. So bad! I don't know what you're talking
about. I didn't ask you to do anything.
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308. I know!
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309. - You wanna do it?
- No!
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310. - Me neither, I'm just testing you!
- That's the end of this conversation!
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311. - This conversation never happened.
- Never happened.
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312. - Good night.
- Good night!
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313. Get back in there!
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314. Hi. Listen, ahem, I'm sorry about
that whole thing with Roger.
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315. It really wasn't right,
and I wanna make it up to you.
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316. So, um, I brought you something...
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317. that I think you'll really enjoy. Okay.
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318. Now this is just a loan, okay?
I'm gonna want him back. So...
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319. I'm gonna go now.
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320. I'm sorry, I thought I could do it,
and I can't.
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