Friends 8x11

Directed by Gary Halvorson

Evie Peck as Nurse • Shawn Christian as Dr. Schiff • Bonnie Somerville as Mona • Sam McMurray as Doug • James Michael Tyler as Gunther

Ross starts to panic when Mona suggests that the two of them could send out a holiday card together, thinking that their relationship is starting to move too fast. Chandler's newly divorced boss tries to get Monica and Chandler to go out to a dinner with him, but Monica can't stand him, so Chandler steps up to cover for her. Meanwhile, Rachel's hormones start acting up due to her pregnancy, causing her to hit on almost every guy she meets.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Phoebe. - Yeah?

2. Look at that guy by the window. Wow.

3. He's awfully short. And I think he's talking to himself.

4. And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.

5. Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean, it's, like, every guy I see...

6. I mean, okay, look at that guy, for example.

7. I mean, normally that's not someone that I would be attracted to,

8. but right now, with the way I'm feeling,

9. all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.

10. Wait a second. This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?

11. - Yeah. - This is completely normal.

12. Around the fourth month, your hormones start going crazy.

13. - Really? So this has happened to you? - Oh, absolutely, yeah.

14. Oh, and keep in mind now, I was carrying triplets.

15. So, you know, in medical terms, I was thrice as randy.

16. Wow, this explains so much.

17. Last weekend, I went from store to store, sitting on Santas' laps.

18. Yeah, yeah, I remember trying to steal

19. a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker.

20. - Uh. - Yeah, oh.

21. Well, you know what, I go see my doctor tomorrow. I'll ask her about this.

22. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.

23. Yeah, yeah, that's what you need, a good pill.

24. - Hey. Hi. - Hey.

25. - Hi. - Hi.

26. I got our pictures developed from Rockfeller Center.

27. Oh, great. Hey, Joey, want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?

28. Oh, uh... ordinarily I would love to, but I am just swamped right now.

29. Where are the pictures that that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?

30. Oh, yeah, probably at the end.

31. Oh, my God. All he took were pictures of my breasts.

32. I'm missing picture time?

33. You know, she has a face, Ross.

34. - Okay, okay, here's a good one of us. - Wow, that is a good one.

35. Wow, it looks like a holiday card.

36. You know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow. Heh.

37. You know, every year I say I'm going to send out holiday cards and I never do it.

38. Do you want to send this one out together?

39. Together? L-Like, to people?

40. Yeah, you know, "Happy Holidays, from Mona and Ross." It'll be cute, okay?

41. Heh. Uh, okay.

42. Oh, I got to get to work.

43. - So, call me later? - Oh, sure.

44. - Bye, guys. - Bye.

45. - Bye. - Yeah.

46. Congratulations, you just got married.

47. I know, can you believe that?

48. Wait, I'm sorry, what's the big deal about a holiday card?

49. Married couples send out cards. Families send out cards.

50. People who've been dating for a couple of months

51. do not send out cards. What, is she crazy?

52. Hey, hey, hey, that's your wife you're talking about.

53. - Bing! Oh, and the Bingette. - Ah, heh.

54. Oh, honey, you remember my

55. - boss, Doug, right? - Yes, hi.

56. Hi. So, good news... the divorce is final. I sign the papers this a.m.

57. Oh, I didn't know you and Carol were getting a divorce. I'm sorry.

58. Heh, sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap.

59. - Hey, congratulations to you guys, though. - Heh. Well, no leg chewing for us, sir.

60. Well, give it time.

61. So, the divorce, the marriage, we got a lot to celebrate.

62. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?

63. I can't think of anything we're doing.

64. Why can't I think of anything we're doing?

65. Tomorrow night it is then. I should be out of court by 6:00.

66. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me,

67. and I keep knocking them out of the park. Ha-ha-ha.

68. Okay, see you tomorrow.

69. Just so you know, we're not seeing him tomorrow.

70. I cannot spend another evening with that man.

71. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?

72. - No. - That's because he wasn't invited.

73. Because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.

74. Oh, yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture, doesn't it?

75. - Hi. - Hey.

76. Hey, I went by the photo shop. Take a look.

77. Here is a mock-up of our card. What do you think?

78. Huh. Wow, that's great.

79. Now, do you think it should say, "Love, Ross and Mona"?

80. Well, we haven't said that to each other yet,

81. but... I guess it's okay to say it to other people.

82. - How many did you want? I'm getting 100. - A hundred? Ha-ha-ha.

83. Well, I, uh, I guess I'll take, uh...

84. Mona...

85. uh, I... I don't... I'm not sure about the whole, uh... the card thing.

86. Really, why not?

87. Sending out a holiday card together...

88. I just don't know if we're really quite there yet.

89. You know, I didn't think of it that way. You're right... you're right.

90. - So can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

91. - Where are we? - Huh?

92. You know... like, where are we? Where is this relationship going?

93. Hmm.

94. I mean, I love spending time with you, you know? I just hope we're moving forward.

95. We should probably talk about that, don't you think?

96. Let's do the card.

97. - What? - The card. I think we're there.

98. Okay. But I still think we should have this conversation.

99. Really? I mean... even with the card?

100. - Hi. - Hi.

101. Just so you know, Dr. Long can't be here today, she was called to the hospital.

102. So Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.

103. Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question?

104. Was it me, or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Heh.

105. You know who I'm talking about, bowl haircut, hairy fingers.

106. - Hi, Rachel? I'm Dr. Schiff. - Yes, you are.

107. So how's it going?

108. Oh, it's really, really good. But enough about me, come on. Heh.

109. Where are you from? What do you do?

110. - I'm a doctor. - Right... right. Actually, I meant,

111. you know, in your spare time. Do you cook? Do you ski?

112. Or just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?

113. Uh, I don't have a wife or a girlfriend, but I do like to ski.

114. Oh, I love to ski. How amazing is this?

115. - So, are you experiencing any discomfort? - No, I'm very comfortable.

116. - Any painful gas? - No!

117. Ooh, Dr. Schiff, what kind of question is that?

118. Okay, then. Would you like to lie down on the table?

119. Well, would you like me to lie down on the table?

120. I'm sorry, is there something going on here?

121. Do you feel it, too?

122. - Hi. - Oh, hey. So?

123. - How did your doctor's appointment go? - Well, let's see,

124. uh, they gave me "cute boy" doctor today.

125. And in the middle of the exam I put my pinkie in his chin dimple.

126. - Oh, my God. - Why did you do that?

127. Okay, remember that little problem I was

128. having during my fourth month of pregnancy?

129. Oh, yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase.

130. Oh, man, you were so hard up, you practically came on to me.

131. You wish.

132. Hey, I could've had you if I wanted you.

133. Oh, yeah? Come and get it.

134. Okay, even this is turning me on.

135. - Hey. - Oh, hey.

136. Hey, Ross. Hey, how's it going with you and Mona?

137. Are you guys still together?

138. Oh, yeah, yeah, we're moving forward. You'll be getting our card.

139. You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?

140. Yeah, we're not just doing a card.

141. She also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.

142. Ugh, women.

143. I know, I know. Why do you guys need to have this conversation, huh?

144. I mean, no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?"

145. Uh, Ross, you asked me that.

146. Hey, you were a closed book, okay? I'm not a mind reader!

147. Besides, I hate those conversations. I'm horrible at them, really.

148. Maybe I need some kind of a gesture.

149. You know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it.

150. - Like asking her to move in with you? - Wh-ha...? Ha. Smaller than that.

151. - Making her a mix tape? - Uh, bigger than that.

152. Give her a key to your apartment.

153. Whoa, hello? We were closer with the tape.

154. Have you said "I love you"? You could say, "I love you."

155. Yeah, I don't... I don't think I'm quite there yet.

156. But, oh! I could say, "I love spending time with you."

157. - No, we hate that. - That is a slap in the face.

158. Oh, forget it. You know what? I'll just... I'll have the conversation.

159. I'll just say, "I like things the way they are," and hope for the best.

160. What do you think, Rach?

161. I think if it was a little colder in here,

162. I could see your nipples through that sweater.

163. Bing. We're all set for tonight. 8:00.

164. Oh, uh, as it turns out, we can't do it. Monica has to work.

165. Oh. My ex-wife didn't work.

166. Unless you call turning into her mother "work."

167. Yeah, fine. Tomorrow night, then.

168. Oh, uh, well, tomorrow's no good for her, either.

169. Oh? Why not?

170. It's the semifinals...

171. of her...

172. bocce ball tournament.

173. - Ahem. - What's going on, Bing?

174. Does, uh, your wife have a... problem with me, or something?

175. Well, now you're... you're just talking crazy.

176. Then why can't the three of us go out together?

177. Because, uh, we... we... we split up.

178. Monica and I split up.

179. Hold me.

180. Good... good God, Bing, I...

181. well, I can't say I'm altogether surprised.

182. I saw the way she looked at you, and... there was no love there.

183. And the way she looked at me. Pure lust.

184. You know what would really help me through this tough time

185. is choking someone. Can I choke you?

186. Mmm. Bing, my boy, we're going to get you over this.

187. Now, here's the plan. Grab your coat. We're going to a strip club.

188. Oh, no, no, no. Monica would freak.

189. But to hell with that bitch.

190. Here we go.

191. Ah, Mona, um,

192. I think it's time we had a conversation about where things are with us.

193. Yeah, I think I suggested that.

194. Heh. Uh, we... we are so...

195. so, um...

196. well, I... I really like you.

197. And I love, um, you know, hanging out with you,

198. and, I mean, I'm having a lot of fun.

199. Okay...

200. I mean, there's no point in spending time with someone if it's just fun.

201. I mean, it's got to be... it's got to be going

202. somewhere, right?

203. So, where is it going?

204. Ah!

205. That's... that's the real question.

206. And the answer is...

207. it's going somewhere...

208. fun.

209. Now, I, I know what you're thinking. Fun was fine for you, like, ten years ago.

210. - Ha-ha-ha. - You know,

211. but you're not getting any younger.

212. No... I mean, you know, not you, not you, you are getting younger!

213. I mean, you, you look like you're getting younger

214. by the... by the second. What's your secret?

215. I'm sorry. So, uh... so where are we?

216. Well, well, to sum up...

217. we're having fun. You look young.

218. - Okay... - But that's not enough.

219. So... heh, so...

220. here's a key to my apartment.

221. - Really? - Really.

222. - You don't think this is too fast? - [ tortured, falsetto grunt ]: Mm-mm!

223. You gave her a key to your apartment?

224. Not just a key. I gave her the only key.

225. I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.

226. Hey... oh, Ross. How'd the conversation go?

227. Oh, great. I live on the street.

228. Where?

229. - Hey. - Hi.

230. Okay, Monica, Rachel. This is my friend, Roger.

231. - Hi, Roger. - Hi, Roger.

232. - Hi. - So, um, I'm going to get us some drinks.

233. - Okay. - Could you help me out?

234. Yeah, okay.

235. Um... he's here to have sex with you.

236. - What? What? - You're welcome.

237. Phoebe, no!

238. It's okay. He's a virgin.

239. Rachel, um, I was just talking to this guy,

240. - and I think he'll have sex with you. - Okay, um...

241. - Yeah, okay, let's leave these two alone. - Aah!

242. No! You guys, I don't care what my hormones are doing.

243. I am not going to just do it with some random guy.

244. Fine. Then you tell Roger, because he was really looking forward to this.

245. Excuse me.

246. Ooh, Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together.

247. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls, huh?

248. Oh, that's all right, sir. And that's just one girl.

249. Bing... what's this?

250. It's a hand. It's a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.

251. No. It's a wedding ring. You got to get rid of it.

252. We're going to go to the East River right now and throw it in there!

253. - Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

254. I did, and then I felt a hell of a lot better,

255. and if you whip it just right, you might hit a seagull in the head.

256. Okay. Oh, and I'm going to need a bunch of extra keys.

257. Uh, apparently, I give them away for no reason at all.

258. Hey, Ross. What's going on? You changing the lock?

259. No, heh.

260. That guy is.

261. I don't understand.

262. Y-You give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock?

263. - Um... - Good luck, buddy.

264. Um, I... I thought we were moving forward,

265. and now you're, you're sending me all these mixed signals.

266. What are you trying to tell me?

267. I'm trying to tell you,

268. I made you a mix tape.

269. - What? - I love you.

270. Oh... aww!

271. Heh, oh.

272. And I love spending time with you.

273. - Hi, honey, I'm home. - From the tequila factory?

274. It was awful.

275. To get out of going to dinner with Doug, I told him that you and I split up,

276. so then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars.

277. And then, when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring,

278. he threw a soda can at a bird.

279. Come here. I can breathe through my mouth.

280. Oh, sweetie.

281. You know what the worst part was?

282. I got to see what my life would be like without you.

283. You know, it was like "It's a Wonderful Life" with lap dances.

284. Please promise me that you will never leave me,

285. that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.

286. I promise.

287. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?

288. Ooh. I don't know if we're there yet.

289. Yes, hi. I'd like to order a pizza. Oh, hey, can I ask you a question?

290. Is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Abercrombie & Fitch?

291. - I'll call you back. - Who was that?

292. - It's just the pizza place. - Y-You hung up on the pizza place?

293. I don't hang up on your friends.

294. Sorry, honey, I'm just having a...

295. - having a rough day. - Oh. What's wrong?

296. Oh, you really... you really just don't want to hear about it.

297. Then why did I ask?

298. Okay, it's just... and this is really embarrassing,

299. but lately, with this whole pregnancy thing,

300. I'm just finding myself...

301. how do I put this? Um...

302. erotically charged.

303. Is that college talk for "horny"?

304. Yeah. So, you know, I have all of these feelings,

305. and I don't know what to do about them,

306. because I can't date like a normal person,

307. which is fine, because I don't need a relationship.

308. I mean, all I really want is one great night. Just sex,

309. you know? No strings attached, no relationship,

310. just... with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing.

311. For just one great night. I mean, is that really so... hard...

312. to find?

313. Well, so how was your day?

314. G-Good. I, uh, saw a pretty big pigeon.

315. Well, I got to get up early, and it's almost 7:00, so...

316. Yeah, I got to go to my room, too.

317. - Okay, good night. - Good night.

318. - I can't do it! - I didn't ask you to do it!

319. - You're Rachel! - You're Joey!

320. - You're my friend! - Right back at you!

321. Yeah... plus, it would be wrong, and weird and bad.

322. And so bad! But I don't even know what you're talking about,

323. because I didn't ask you to do anything!

324. I know!

325. - You want to do it? - No!

326. Me, neither! I'm just testing you!

327. Hey, well, that's the end of this conversation.

328. - This conversation never happened. - Never happened.

329. - Good night. - Good night!

330. Get back in there!

331. Hi. Listen, ahem, I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger.

332. It really wasn't right, and I want to make it up to you,

333. so, um, I brought you something

334. that I think you'll really enjoy. Okay.

335. Now, this is just a loan, okay? I'm going to want him back. So...

336. I'm going to go now.

337. I'm sorry. I thought I could do it, and I can't.