1. Mom, would you relax?
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2. That was 10 blocks from here,
and any women won't walking alone at night.
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3. I would never do that.
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4. Mom, come on, stop worrying.
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5. This is a safe street. This is
a safe building. There's nothing
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6. Oh, my God! What are
you doing in here?
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7. Mom, I gotta go! IT gotta go!
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8. Oh, my God!
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9. That's fine, you just read the paper.
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10. I'm gonna get a pot.
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11. It's not for you.
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12. Okay, that's fine.
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13. Read the Family Circus...
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14. enjoy the gentle comedy...
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15. Oh, my God, my God, my God, my God...
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16. It's open, you guys.
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17. Can I help you?
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18. Does Phoebe still live here?
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19. No, she doesn't. But I can get
a message to her.
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20. Great. Just tell her
her husband stopped by.
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21. Her what?
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22. How did you do that?
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23. The One With Phoebe's Husband
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24. This is unbelievable, Pheebs.
How can you be married?
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25. I'm not "married"
married, you know?
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26. He's just a friend, and he's gay...
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27. and he was from Canada,
and he needed a Green Card.
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28. I can't believe you married Duncan!
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29. How could you not tell me?
We told each other everything.
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30. I'm sorry, but I knew if I told you,
you'd get judgmental...
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31. and wouldn't approve.
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32. Of course I wouldn't approve!
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33. You were totally in love
with this guy who, hello, was gay.
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34. What the hell were you thinking?
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35. See? And you thought
she'd be judgmental.
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36. I wasn't in love with him.
I was helping out a friend.
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37. When he left town, you
stayed in your pajamas for a month.
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38. And I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
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39. Well, didn't you?
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40. I might have.
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41. I can't believe you didn't tell me.
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42. Like you tell me everything?
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43. What have I not told you?
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44. I don't know.
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45. The fact that the underwear out
on the telephone pole is yours...
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46. from when you had sex
with Bobby on the terrace!
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47. What?
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48. Wait a minute! Who told you?
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49. You are dead meat.
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50. I didn't know it was a big secret.
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51. Oh, it's not big. Not at all.
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52. IKind of the same as, say...
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53. I don't know, having
a third nipple!
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54. You have a third nipple?
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55. You bitch!
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56. Whip it out! Whip it out!
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57. There's nothing to see! It's a
tiny bump. It's totally useless.
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58. As opposed to your other
multi-functional nipples?
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59. I can't believe you!
You told me it was a nubbin.
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60. Joey, what did you think
a nubbin was?
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61. You see something, you hear a word,
I thought that's what it was.
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62. - Let me see it again!
- Yes, show us your nubbin!
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63. Joey was in a porno movie!
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64. If I'm going down,
I'm taking everybody with me!
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65. - Oh, my God!
- You were in a porno?
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66. I was young and I just wanted a job.
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67. But I couldn't go through with it.
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68. They let me be the guy who fixes
the copier but can't...
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69. because there's people
having sex on it.
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70. That is wild!
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71. - What's it shaped like?
- Is it hairy?
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72. What happens if you flick it?
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73. So does it do anything,
you know, special?
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74. Pressing my third nipple
opens the delivery entrance...
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75. to the magical land of Narnia.
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76. In some cultures, having a third nipple
is actually a sign of virility.
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77. You get the best huts,
and women dance naked around you.
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78. Are any of these cultures,
per chance, in the Tri-State area?
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79. You know, you are so amazing.
Is there anything you don't know?
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80. Julie's so smart!
Julie's so special!
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81. I wanted you to hook up
with Ross as much as you did.
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82. But he's with her now.
You'll have to get over it.
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83. Oh, I'm going to have to get over it.
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84. I didn't know that's what I had to do.
I just have to get over it.
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85. - Sassy lady!
- Where are you going?
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86. I'm meeting Duncan.
He's skating tonight at the Garden.
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87. He's in the Capades.
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88. - The lce Capades?
- No, the Gravel Capades.
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89. The turns aren't as fast,
but when Snoopy falls? Funny.
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90. I can't believe
you'd dress up for him.
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91. You're setting yourself up
all over again.
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92. Okay, no.
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93. For your information, I'm seeing him
so I can put those feelings behind me.
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94. The reason I'm dressed like this
is because I think it's nice...
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95. to look nice for your gay husband.
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96. Darn it, we're all out of milk.
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97. Chandler, will you fill me up here?
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98. I see, I see. Because of
the third-nipple thing.
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99. Okay, sweetie, I'll see you later.
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100. - See you later, Rach.
- Bye-bye, Julie.
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101. Come on, cut it out!
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102. - Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
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103. What?
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104. Come on, talk to me.
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105. What's the longest you've been
in a relationship before...
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106. having the sex?
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107. Why? Who's not?
Are you and Julie not?
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108. Are you and Julie not having sex?
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109. Technically?
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110. No.
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111. Is it because she's so cold in bed?
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112. Or because she's kind of bossy,
makes it feel like school?
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113. No! She's great. And it's not
like we haven't done anything.
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114. We do plenty of other stuff.
Lots of other stuff like
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115. No! Don't need to know the details.
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116. No, it's just...
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117. It's me.
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118. I've only been with
one woman my whole life...
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119. and she turned out to be a lesbian.
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120. So now I've got myself
all psyched out.
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121. It's become, like, this...
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122. this thing!
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123. You must just think I'm weird.
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124. No, I don't think it's weird.
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125. I think, in fact...
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126. - In fact, you know what I think?
- What?
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127. I think it's sexy.
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128. Sexy?
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129. Let me tell you something.
As a woman...
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130. there is nothing sexier...
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131. than a man who does not
want to have sex.
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132. No kidding?
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133. You know what I'd do?
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134. I'd wait.
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135. - You'd wait?
- Absolutely. I would wait...
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136. and wait...
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137. Then I'd wait some more.
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138. Really?
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139. I don't care if she tells you
she wants it, she begs, she pleads...
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140. she tells you she's gonna
have sex with another man
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141. That just means it's working.
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142. Women really want this?
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143. More than jewelry.
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144. Look at you! You look great!
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145. Do l? Thank you.
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146. So do you. Sparkly!
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147. This is pretty wonderful,
Mr. Major Capades Guy!
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148. I remember when you were just
King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice Is Nice.
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149. You always said I'd make it.
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150. Well, you know,
I'm kind of spooky that way.
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151. Gosh, I missed you!
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152. - I'm gonna get changed.
- Okay.
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153. Now.
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154. Oh! Right. Okay.
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155. Ole!
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156. What?
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157. The Matador...
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158. Ole!
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159. Sweetie, can you
hold this for a second?
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160. Sorry, you had a
paleontologist on your face.
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161. But it's gone now.
You're all right.
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162. Hi, everyone.
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163. I wanted to thank you
for our little talk before.
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164. No problem! So you're gonna
go with the waiting thing?
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165. I was going to, but after
I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
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166. Good. What did he say?
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167. He told me to get over myself
and just do it.
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168. I thought about what you said
and about what he said.
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169. And his way, I get
to have sex tonight, so...
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170. What is this in my pocket?
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171. Why, it's Joey's porno movie!
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172. Pop it in!
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173. I'm fine, if you're
okay watching a video...
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174. filled with two-nippled people.
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175. People having sex.
That's just what I need to see.
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176. What's wrong with people having sex?
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177. Well, you know, these
movies are offensive...
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178. and degrading
to women and females...
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179. And the lighting's
always unflattering.
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180. - Monica, help me out here.
- Hell, I wanna see Joey!
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181. So is there a story?
Or do they just start doing it right
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182. Oh. Never mind.
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183. Wait a minute. That is the craziest
typing test I've ever seen.
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184. All I say is, she'd
better get the job.
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185. Looks to me like he's
the one getting the job.
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186. Here I come.
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187. See, I'm coming to fix the copier.
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188. I can't get to the copier.
I'm thinking, "What do I do?"
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189. So I just watch them have sex.
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190. Then I say Here's my line!
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191. You know, that's bad
for the paper tray.
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192. Nice work, my friend!
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193. Wait, you see me again. Hang on,
the guy's butt's blocking me.
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194. There I am. There I am.
There I am...
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195. So what's up?
You came to see me yesterday.
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196. I kind of need a divorce.
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197. O...
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198. kay.
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199. How come?
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200. Actually, I'm getting married again.
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201. What?
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202. I don't know how to tell you this.
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203. I'm straight.
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204. I don't understand.
How can you be straight?
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205. You're so smart and funny...
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206. and you throw
such great Academy Award parties!
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207. That's what I kept telling myself.
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208. But you reach a point
where you can't live a lie anymore.
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209. How long have you known?
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210. I guess on some level
I always knew I was straight.
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211. I thought I was supposed
to be something else.
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212. I'm an ice dancer, all my friends
are gay. I was just trying to fit in.
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213. And there's actually a woman?
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214. Her name's Debra.
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215. Well, is she the first
that you've been with?
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216. I've never told you this...
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217. but there were one
or two times back in college when...
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218. I'd get drunk,
go to a straight bar...
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219. and wake up with
a woman next to me.
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220. I told myself it was the liquor,
and everyone experiments in college.
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221. Sure.
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222. Now I know I don't have a choice.
I was born this way!
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223. I don't know what to say.
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224. You're married to someone for
six years and you think you know him.
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225. And then one day he says,
"Oh, I'm not gay!"
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226. I'm still me.
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227. Why couldn't you just have
figured this out six years ago?
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228. You know, it still
smells like monkey in there.
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229. That saves us the conversation.
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230. This has been great,
but I'm officially wiped.
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231. Me too. We should get going.
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232. No! Come on, you guys!
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233. Come on, it's only 1 1 :30.
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234. Let's just talk. We never just
hang out and talk anymore.
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235. Rachel, that's all we do.
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236. Maybe that's all we do.
What about Julie?
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237. What about Julie?
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238. You have been in our lives
for nearly two months now...
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239. and we don't really know you.
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240. I mean, who is Julie?
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241. What do you like?
What don't you like?
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242. We want to know everything.
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243. Well, that could take awhile.
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244. So?
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245. Who here does not have
the time to get to know Julie?
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246. I got the time to get to know Julie.
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247. I know her pretty well.
Can I go?
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248. That's fine.
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249. Let's start with your childhood.
What was that like?
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250. In a nutshell
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251. So, have you told your parents?
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252. No, but it'll be okay.
They're pretty cool.
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253. My brother's straight, so...
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254. Here you go.
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255. You know what?
I just have one more question.
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256. If you had figured this out sooner,
and I had been around...
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257. do you think l
would have been the one...?
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258. No. Don't tell me.
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259. I don't think either answer
would make me feel better. Here.
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260. I love you, Phoebe.
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261. So your brother's straight, huh?
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262. Seriously.
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263. and my second-grade teacher
was Miss Thomas...
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264. and my first-grade teacher
was Mrs. Cobb.
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265. Mrs. Gobb?
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266. No, Cobb. Like cobb salad.
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267. What exactly is in a cobb salad?
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268. I'm going home.
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269. Boy, that Julie's a talker, huh?
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270. Good night.
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271. It's pretty late. You're
probably not still planning on...
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272. No, I am.
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273. Are you nervous?
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274. I have done it before.
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275. I mean, how are
you gonna handle it?
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276. Are you gonna talk about it beforehand?
Are you just gonna pounce?
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277. I don't know. I guess
I'm just gonna...
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278. see what happens.
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279. Good luck!
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280. What?
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281. Nothing...
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282. It is your first time with her,
and if the first time doesn't go well...
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283. well then, that's pretty darn
hard to recover from.
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284. Okay, now I'm nervous.
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285. Maybe you should put it off.
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286. No, I don't want to put it off!
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287. I spent last year being
so unbelievably miserable.
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288. And now I'm actually happy.
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289. You know, I mean really happy.
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290. I just don't wanna...
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291. I don't wanna mess it up, you know?
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292. I know.
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293. I'm sorry.
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294. It's not your fault.
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295. Right.
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296. Maybe it doesn't
have to be this tough.
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297. Maybe you were on the right track
with that whole "spontaneous" thing.
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298. - Women really like that.
- Really?
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299. I mean if it were me,
I'd want you to...
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300. I don't know, catch me off guard
with a really...
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301. good kiss.
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302. Really sort of soft at first.
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303. And then maybe brush
the hair away from my face.
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304. And then look far into my eyes...
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305. in a way that lets me
know something...
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306. amazing is about to happen.
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307. And then, I don't know, then...
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308. you'd pull me
really close to you so that...
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309. so that I'd be pressed up
right against you.
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310. And it would get kind of...
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311. sweaty...
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312. and blurry.
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313. And then it's just happening.
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314. Thanks, Rach. Good night!
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315. Oh, God!
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316. Good morning!
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317. Well, somebody got some last night!
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318. Twice!
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