Friends 2x23

Directed by Michael Lembeck

Tom Selleck as Richard Burke • Charlie Sheen as Ryan • Mary-Pat Green as Jeannie • Steve Park as Scott • Dorien Wilson as Mr. Kogen

Phoebe's submariner ex-boyfriend visits New York on leave for 2 weeks from the Navy. Unfortunately, Phoebe catches chicken pox at Ben's first birthday party. When Monica realizes that Richard has no real neuroses, she worries that she is too strange for him. Chandler organizes a job as a processor for Joey.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Okay, Chandler, Mon, there's only one banana-nut muffin left.

2. I ordered mine first.

3. Yeah, but I'm so much faster.

4. Give it to me.

5. No.

6. Give it to me.

7. Okay, you can have it.

8. There you go. Enjoy your coffee.

9. That was there when I got here.

10. Hey, you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.

11. Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he swallows.

12. Ryan, that guy I went out with who's in the Navy.

13. You went out with a guy in the Navy?

14. Yeah, I met him while playing guitar in the park.

15. Ryan threw in saltwater taffy because he didn't have change.

16. Hey, is that when you wrote "Saltwater Taffy Man"?

17. No. Heh.

18. No, he's my submarine guy. He resurfaces, like, every couple years...

19. and we have the most amazing three days together.

20. Only this time, he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means "yay."

21. So wait, this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?

22. That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

23. Hi.

24. Oh, no. What happened?

25. I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got chicken pox.

26. Oh, no. You're kidding.

27. Yeah, so if you haven't had it, chances are you're gonna get it.

28. - Well, I've had it. - Yeah, I've had it.

29. - Had it. - Had it.

30. I've never had it. I feel so left out. Oh, look.

31. Honey, you made the bed again.

32. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.

33. Oh. Then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for.

34. Okay, I am going to take a shower.

35. And today I will be singing Jim Croce's "Leroy Brown."

36. Monica?

37. Hey, Mon, I have a question.

38. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town...

39. or the fattest man in the whole damn town?

40. The baddest. Otherwise, the song would be "Fat, Fat Leroy Brown."

41. What are you doing?

42. I'm just waiting for you, sweetie.

43. Are you remaking the bed?

44. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what? The way you did it, it was just fine.

45. Then you're redoing it because?

46. If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

47. You're pretty much running that risk either way.

48. Okay. You see...

49. the duvet tag shouldn't be at the top left corner...

50. it should be at the bottom right corner.

51. - Uh-huh. Well, that's not so crazy. - I'm just easing you in.

52. Ha. All right.

53. All right, you see these little flower blossoms?

54. They should be facing up, not down...

55. because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be.

56. You don't love me anymore, do you?

57. Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.

58. Really?

59. Wow. Well, then, come on.

60. I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

61. Joey, if you need something to hold you over...

62. I can get you a job right here as an entry-level processor.

63. Don't you need experience for a job like that?

64. It's not that hard to learn.

65. And as for people realizing you don't know what you're doing, hey, you're an actor.

66. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

67. Hey, Chandler. Here's this morning's projections.

68. Hey, thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbiani.

69. - Hey Hey.

70. Joey is a, uh, fellow processor.

71. No kidding?

72. Oh, yeah.

73. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.

74. - Where do you work? - Uh, well, right now I'm in between things.

75. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day...

76. you're not so much processing anymore.

77. I was telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.

78. Fleischman's group.

79. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches.

80. Are all you processors dorks?

81. Ugh. This lipstick looks just great on you.

82. You look fabulous, honey. You really do.

83. Yeah, are you sure? Really?

84. See, you look beautiful. For God sakes, dim the lights.

85. I'm hideous.

86. It's gonna be okay.

87. Ryan's been underwater.

88. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnacles on your butt.

89. Come in.

90. Hey, baby, I'm back...

91. Hey, Ryan. What's up?

92. What's going on?

93. No, no. You have to stay back. I have the pox.

94. Chicken or small?

95. Chicken, which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

96. - Why aren't you at home in bed? - My grandmother's never had chicken pox.

97. Please, please, tell me you have...

98. because oh, my God, I forgot how cute you are.

99. - I'm sorry, I never had them. - Oh, oh!

100. If I had one wish, it'd be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7...

101. when Jimmy Hauser had chicken pox...

102. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

103. Yeah, or, you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.

104. Can I please see your face?

105. No. You don't wanna see a face covered with pox.

106. Your face could be covered with lox, I wouldn't care.

107. And you hate fish. Oh.

108. So sweet. All right.

109. Okay, all right. You can see.

110. This, ahem, is me.

111. Sorry.

112. I am scary.

113. Sorry, the lightning...

114. Lightning was an unfortunate coincidence.

115. You look lovely. Lovely.

116. I hate this.

117. I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us.

118. And almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.

119. Phoebe, I've spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men...

120. thinking about this moment.

121. I am not gonna let a bunch...

122. of itchy spots stand between us.

123. Okay. This is the most romantic disease I've ever had.

124. - Hey. - Hey. How's the first day going?

125. Pretty good. It's like you said.

126. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.

127. Well, there you go.

128. Hey, and everybody's so nice.

129. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.

130. Jeannie? The head of East Coast Operations, Jeannie?

131. Yeah. Turns out our kids go to the same school.

132. Yeah. Small world, huh? Ha, ha.

133. Weird world.

134. - Your kids? - I figure my character has kids.

135. You know, there isn't a part of that sentence that I don't need explained.

136. Well, see, when you're acting, you need to think about stuff like that.

137. My character, Joseph the processing guy...

138. has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany.

139. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

140. Oh. Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

141. Yeah, yeah. You know, Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid.

142. You know what?

143. Just did.

144. Really, wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

145. You know what makes the itching even worse?

146. That you don't stop talking about it?

147. - Fine. - Let's just play, okay?

148. Good, okay.

149. Here we go, double sixes.

150. Here we go...

151. Here we go.

152. Come to Mama. Just getting ready to roll the dice.

153. What are you doing? Are you scratching?

154. No. This is what I do for luck, okay?

155. You're scratching.

156. - Give me the dice. - No.

157. - Give me the dice. - No. Here. There.

158. Look, double sixes.

159. We can't scratch. You know we can't. We'll scar.

160. I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard.

161. I just wanna grab these houses and rub them all over my body.

162. - No. No. - Give it.

163. Come on.

164. You know you want it. You know you want it too. Come on.

165. Let's just be bad. It'll feel so good.

166. Oh, come on. Come on.

167. - Uh-huh. - Oh, God, help me.

168. - Uh-huh. Good, huh? - Yeah.

169. - Oh, yeah. - Okay, good. Now do me.

170. Do my back. Oh, come on. Harder.

171. There you go.

172. - Don't move. - Why?

173. - Don't move. - What are you?

174. Aah! Stop that. Stop that right now.

175. You know, I might've expected this of you, Phoebe.

176. But, Ryan, you're a military man.

177. You and Milton have to join us on the boat.

178. Karen will pack a lunch, you bring the kids. We'll make a day of it.

179. Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up.

180. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.

181. Oh, thanks. Thanks.

182. - Bye-bye, Jeannie. Ha, ha. Bye-bye, Joseph.

183. What a phony.

184. Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing.

185. - Hey, Mr. Douglas. - Sir.

186. Uh, listen, Bing, I got your memo.

187. So we're not gonna see the report until next Friday?

188. Well, the people in my group want to spend the holiday with family.

189. I have a family. I'm gonna be here.

190. Yeah, Bing. What's that about?

191. It's about cutting my people a little slack, you know, for morale.

192. If you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.

193. Rough numbers?

194. This company was not built on rough numbers. Right, Mr. Douglas?

195. Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.

196. If you say so, sir.

197. Joseph's good, isn't he?

198. Well, I'm going to kill you.

199. Hey, hey, I just figured Joseph's the kind of guy who likes to mix it up.

200. You know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.

201. Why?

202. Look, I'm sorry, but that's what Joseph does.

203. Okay? If you try to pull something...

204. he'll call you on it.

205. "What are you trying to pull?" he'll say.

206. Ooh. Duct tape.

207. Was I supposed to bring something too?

208. This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mitts to their hands.

209. You're strict.

210. Yeah, well, it's for their own good.

211. You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under.

212. See, in a tape emergency, you could shave valuable seconds off your time.

213. Exactly. Oh.

214. God, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now.

215. - Tell me the truth. - Hmm.

216. Don't you like it better that everything on your desk is perpendicular?

217. If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.

218. - Very good. - Thank you.

219. You know what? Tomorrow, I'm gonna do your clocks.

220. You're gonna do what to my clocks?

221. I'm gonna set them to my time.

222. Well, I'm confused.

223. I thought we shared time.

224. No, no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast.

225. You wanna know why?

226. Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen?

227. - You know what? Forget it. - No, come on, come on, tell me.

228. - No, you don't understand. - No, come on.

229. No, you don't have any of these cute obsessive things.

230. No, that's not true. That is not true.

231. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

232. All right, well, tell me one of yours.

233. Okay.

234. Ah.

235. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks...

236. from my dress socks.

237. - Yeah. - What if they get mixed up?

238. Boy, I would just, uh...

239. I would freak out.

240. You would not.

241. I can't believe this. I hate this. You're too normal.

242. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing.

243. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.

244. See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well there.

245. Hey.

246. - Mr. Douglas is looking for you. - Why? Why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?

247. Because he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.

248. Why? Why does he suspect that?

249. Because at first, he thought it was Joseph...

250. but after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you.

251. - Anyway, I just thought you should know. - All right. That's it.

252. Look, Joey...

253. I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for you...

254. and if I could just fire Joseph, I would.

255. But unfortunately that's not possible.

256. So I'm gonna have to let both of you go.

257. What are you talking about? Everybody loves Joseph.

258. I don't. I hate Joseph.

259. Okay, I think he's a brown-nosing suck-up.

260. Oh, yeah?

261. Well, you can't fire Joseph. You know why?

262. He's not in your department.

263. All right, okay. All right, so I can't fire Joseph...

264. but, uh, I can sleep with his wife.

265. - Not Karen. - Yeah, Karen.

266. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what?

267. I just did.

268. What the hell are you doing to me, man?

269. Oh, it's not me.

270. It's my character.

271. Chandie.

272. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his coworkers' wives for sport...

273. and then laughs about it the next day.

274. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

275. - Really? - No, freak show, she's fictional!

276. Come on! Hey. Take it easy.

277. If it means that much to you, I'll, uh... I'll go find something else.

278. Thank you.

279. It's just that I'm gonna miss Joseph.

280. I liked him. His wife.

281. She was hot.

282. Ow.

283. Please take these off. I swear I won't scratch.

284. No, sorry, hon. Monica's orders.

285. Well, that wasn't easy.

286. Okay, dinner's on.

287. And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven.

288. So the plate's gonna be hot, but that shouldn't be a problem for you.

289. All right, you kids. Bye, now.

290. - Bye. Oh, look, look.

291. A low-budget puppet show.

292. It's such a shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.

293. All right.

294. - Wine? - Please.

295. - Oh. Spilled some. - I got it.

296. I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.

297. What?

298. Sorry.

299. You look beautiful.

300. Oh.

301. You know what? That's it. That's it.

302. Oh! Oh!

303. - Oh, yes. - Oh.

304. Good.

305. You guys, did you...?

306. Monica, wake up.

307. - Monica. - What's up?

308. I thought of a thing.

309. - Yeah? - Yeah.

310. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.

311. No, honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed...

312. because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.

313. Or so I would have you believe.

314. No. Big deal. So you have a side of the bed. Everybody has a side of the bed.

315. Hey, come on. You haven't heard my reason yet.

316. - All right, go on. - Okay.

317. I have to sleep on the west side...

318. because I grew up in California...

319. and otherwise...

320. the ocean would be on the wrong side.

321. - Oh, my God. You're a freak. - Yeah.

322. How about that?

323. - So, Ryan, where are you shipping off to? - I really can't say.

324. So do you have any nuclear weapons on board?

325. I can't say.

326. Well, do you get to look through one of those periscope thingies?

327. I'm sorry, but I can't say.

328. Wow, it's neat learning about submarines.

329. I better get out of here. I'm gonna miss my flight.

330. Okay, I'll walk you out.

331. Bye, Ryan. - Pleasure. Take care.

332. So do you, uh, think we could get you one of those uniform things?

333. You like that, do you?

334. - Oh, yeah. - I'll make some calls.

335. Okay.

336. Can you believe that's how we spent our two weeks?

337. We didn't do the romantic things I'd planned...

338. like having a picnic in Central Park and, you know, a coffee at Central Perk.

339. Oh, I just got that.

340. Taxi.

341. Bye, you.

342. I'm sorry, we're clo...

343. Hey, sailor.

344. Is this what you had in mind?

345. Ha, ha. I'll say.

346. I'm shipping out tomorrow.

347. Well, then, uh...

348. we better make this night count.

349. Oh, wait, I forgot to turn off the cappuccino machine.

350. Anchors aweigh.

351. Oh, wait. My purse, my purse, my purse.

352. Oh, you know what? I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.

353. All right, why don't I just meet you upstairs?

354. Honey.