1. Why are we watching
the Business Channel?
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2. Because the other day I saw there was
a stock with my initials, MEG, on it.
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3. Sometimes it takes two or three hours
before it comes up again.
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4. But when it does, it's exciting.
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5. Okay, honey, you really need a job.
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6. Dad says he knows someone
you can call for an interview.
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7. Right there! That's the third
sign today. Right there.
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8. On behalf of everyone,
I'd just like to say, "Huh?"
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9. No, you just said "dad."
And everywhere I go today...
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10. I keep getting signs
telling me to go see my father.
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11. Like when I was walking over here
and I passed a buffet.
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12. Which is my father's last name.
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13. And they were serving franks...
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14. which is his first name
minus the "s" at the end.
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15. And there was a rotisserie
with a spinning chicken.
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16. His lndian name?
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17. No. Because I chickened out
the last time...
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18. when I tried to meet him.
So coincidences? I don't think so.
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19. - Very freaky.
- Eerie.
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20. Who wants the last hamburger?
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21. That's it.
Now I have to go see him.
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22. Why?
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23. Hamburger? McDonald's?
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24. Old McDonald had a farm.
My dad is a pharmacist.
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25. And ei ei oh,
It's what your mom said when you father left you.
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26. Yes! really? No!
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27. The One With the Bullies
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28. Man, I am so beat.
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29. You wanna forget racquetball
and hang out?
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30. Yeah, all right.
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31. - Hey, you're in our seats.
- Sorry, we didn't know.
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32. We were sitting there.
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33. Okay.
There is one more way to say it.
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34. Who knows it?
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35. - Was that supposed to be funny?
- Actually, I was going for colorful.
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36. - What's with this guy?
- What's with you?
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37. Nothing. Nothing's with him.
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38. Enjoy your coffee.
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39. What just happened?
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40. I just took your hat.
See, I can be funny too.
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41. My joke is that I took your hat.
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42. That is funny.
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43. Can I have it back?
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44. You know what?
I think you're very funny.
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45. Kudos on that hat joke.
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46. But come on, guys,
just give him back the hat.
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47. Why should we?
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48. Because it's a special hat.
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49. He bought it because
he was feeling down one day.
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50. So he got the hat...
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51. to cheer himself up, you know?
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52. - Chandler
- Stop talking. Stop talking now.
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53. Let me get this straight.
You're stealing my hat?
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54. You got a problem?
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55. I just want to make sure
we're on the same page.
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56. I'm telling you Rach,
I've gone dead hunting with Phabby before.
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57. It's a very scary thing for her,
and she is very vunlerable.
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58. That's why we are there.
You know, be supported or crap.
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59. Ok, will you just let me know when to do witch.
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60. How'd the interview go?
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61. It bit.
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62. It was a 50s theme restaurant.
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63. I'd have to cook in a costume
and dance on the counter.
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64. I was a sous chef
at Cafe des Artistes.
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65. How can I take a job where I have
to make Laverne-and-Curly Fries?
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66. - Don't do it.
- How can I not do it?
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67. I have $127 in the bank!
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68. Monica, relax. Go get a beer.
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69. I don't want a beer.
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70. Who said it was for you?
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71. What's the matter?
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72. Some mean guys at the coffeehouse
took my hat.
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73. - No!
- You're kidding?
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74. It was ridiculous.
These guys were bullies.
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75. Actual bullies.
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76. We're grownups. This kind of stuff
isn't supposed to happen anymore.
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77. Oh, no, wait a minute.
I have no one.
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78. Let's go down there
and get your hat back.
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79. Forget it. It's probably stripped
and sold for parts by now.
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80. - I went up!
- What?
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81. My stock, MEG, it went up two points.
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82. Do you realize that if I'd invested
my $127 in myself yesterday...
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83. that I'd, like, have
a lot more than that today.
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84. You know what?
I'm going to do it.
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85. - Do what?
- Put all my money in me.
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86. You don't know a thing
about the stock market.
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87. What's to know?
Buy, sell. High, low. Bears, bulls.
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88. Yes, Manhattan.
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89. Telephone number for the stock...
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90. selling store.
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91. See? I told you these pillows
would be a good idea.
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92. Oh, God.
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93. Here we go.
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94. For the first time in my life,
I'm gonna say, "Hi, Birth Father!"
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95. - We love you. We're here for you.
- Good luck.
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96. Thanks.
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97. Hey, Rach, you want some sandwich?
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98. What is in that?
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99. Olive loaf and ham spread. No mayo.
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100. No, because mayo,
that would make it gross.
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101. - Run, Phoebe, run!
- No, no, doggy, please!
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102. I do so want to love all animals.
Please, no. Back off!
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103. - You got a bone?
- Are you kidding?
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104. Look, kibbles! Bits!
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105. Get the hell off my leg,
you yippity piece of crap!
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106. Okay. All right. We have a problem.
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107. Why don't you take his trampoline?
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108. Okay, here, I know what we can do.
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109. Okay, doggy, get the sandwich!
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110. Go get the sandwich!
Good doggy. Get the sandwich!
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111. The dog will lick himself
but he will not touch your sandwich.
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112. What does that tell you?
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113. - if he's not going to eat it, I will.
- Are you crazy?
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114. He's just a little dog.
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115. - Hey.
- What?
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116. Do you have to be a Century 21
real-estate agent...
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117. to get to wear those cool jackets?
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118. Do you say this stuff to girls?
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119. Isn't that the guy
who used to wear your hat?
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120. And look where they're sitting.
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121. You're joking, right?
You guys just walked through the door.
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122. Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.
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123. This couch belongs to us.
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124. I'll tell you what,
you call the couch...
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125. and then we'll call the couch...
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126. and we'll see who it comes to.
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127. You know what I don't like you.
You always got something to say.
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128. You know, I keep wondering
why you two are still sitting here.
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129. All right, that's it.
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130. I have had enough of this.
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131. Gunther.
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132. These guys are trying
to take our seat.
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133. Fellas, these guys were here first.
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134. Oh, sorry, didn't realize.
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135. There you go.
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136. Thank you, Gunther.
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137. We didn't want to have
to go and do that.
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138. He told on us?
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139. You told on us?
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140. Well, pal, you didn't
give me much of a choice.
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141. - Don't play with his thing.
- I know.
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142. All right.
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143. Let's take this outside.
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144. "Let's take this outside?"
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145. Who talks like that?
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146. The guy who's about to kick your ass
talks like that.
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147. You had to ask.
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148. Okay, okay, look. See...
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149. the thing is, we're not gonna
fight you guys.
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150. Here's the deal.
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151. You won't have to, so long as you
never ever show your faces here again.
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152. I think you played
the Gunther card too soon.
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153. Hey, Pheebs, I think you're good to go.
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154. Yeah, I don't know.
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155. What's the matter?
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156. I just think that this was
a really bad sign.
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157. Like the beast at the threshold.
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158. It's just I have no family left,
except for my grandmother.
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159. But let's face it, she's not
gonna be around forever.
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160. Despite what she says.
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161. And I have a sister who I've barely
spoken to since we shared a womb.
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162. I don't know. This is my real father...
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163. and I want things to be,
like, just right.
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164. I completely understand.
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165. Whatever you need.
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166. Hey, you want to go home?
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167. Okay, thanks. Sorry, again.
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168. What was that?
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169. I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
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170. I want to buy five shares of SGJ.
Now.
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171. Come on, time is money, my friend!
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172. Thank you!
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173. "Time is money, my friend?"
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174. You missed "Takes money to make money"...
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175. and "Don't make me come down there
and kick your Wall Street butt."
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176. I made $ 17 before breakfast.
What have you done?
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177. I had breakfast here,
so technically I saved $3.50.
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178. How did you make $17?
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179. Well, my financially
challenged friends...
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180. I split my money and I bought
some shares of CHP and ZXY.
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181. How come those?
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182. Well, CHP because I used to have a
crush on Erik Estrada.
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183. And ZXY because I think
it sounds "zexy."
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184. What happened to MEG?
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185. MEG was good for me, but I dumped her.
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186. My motto is, "Get out
before they go down."
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187. That is so not my motto.
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188. How's the dog?
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189. Okay. I talked to the vet.
People are so nice upstate.
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190. He said the little fella's gonna be
okay, and I can get him tomorrow.
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191. - Good.
- Thank God.
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192. But he did have to have
a bunch of stitches.
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193. And he said that only once in a blue
moon does a dog's ear grow back.
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194. So still hoping.
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195. Now are you going to call your dad
to let him know that his dog is okay?
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196. I don't want to meet my father
over the phone.
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197. What will I say,
"Hi, I'm the daughter you abandoned.
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198. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog."
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199. Hey, Pheebs, if you want, I'll do it.
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200. Listen, just don't say anything
about me, okay?
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201. Don't...
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202. be too long with the phone.
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203. She'll be a much better friend
once the market closes.
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204. It's a woman.
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205. So talk to her.
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206. Hello, Mrs. Buffay.
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207. I know where your dog is.
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208. I want you to know he'll be returned
to you almost as good as new...
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209. within 24 hours.
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210. Goodbye.
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211. - Why the voice?
- Hard to say.
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212. Your cappuccino, sir.
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213. Thank you.
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214. - This is better than the coffeehouse.
- Absolutely.
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215. How come it's not mixing
with the water?
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216. The package says to keep it moving.
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217. Stir and drink, never let it settle.
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218. This is ridiculous.
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219. After I get back from
my niece's christening...
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220. I'll go to the coffeehouse with you
and we'll have a cup of coffee.
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221. No problem. Joey's there.
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222. I don't want to have to have Joey with
me every time I want decent coffee.
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223. And I don't want to drink
cappuccino with a "k."
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224. I say you and I go
and stand up to those guys.
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225. All right, hang on
a second there, Custer.
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226. Ross, have you ever
been beaten up before?
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227. Yeah, sure.
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228. By someone besides Monica?
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229. So what?
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230. So we get beaten up. Maybe that's
something a man has to go through.
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231. Like a rite of passage or something.
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232. Couldn't we just lose
our virginities again?
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233. Because I think actually
mine's growing back.
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234. Are you go with me or not. Come on.
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235. All right, I'm go with you.
Just prepare clean underware for the hospital.
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236. - I need $100.
- What?
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237. Welcome home.
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238. - I need $100.
- For what?
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239. - To get back in the game.
- When did you get out?
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240. I lost it all. I lost it.
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241. I've come to terms with it,
you have to, too.
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242. Look, Mon, I'm really sorry.
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243. Where are we on the $100?
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244. I don't have it.
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245. But I need it!
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246. Otherwise, I'll have to
take that diner job.
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247. You know, with the dancing
and the costumes.
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248. I don't want to have to wear
flame-retardant boobs.
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249. Nobody does, honey.
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250. Noodle!
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251. Oh, my God. What the hell
happened to my dog?
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252. It was an accident.
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253. And the woman who did this
would never hurt a dog on purpose.
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254. She's a vegetarian.
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255. Are these stitches?
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256. Yeah, eight of them.
That's 56 to him.
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257. If it's raining, you can't
let him look up...
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258. because that cone
will fill up fast.
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259. Thanks for bringing back
what's left of him.
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260. - ls Frank home?
- How do you know Frank?
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261. Just from a long time ago.
Is he here?
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262. What?
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263. I mean Frank Senior.
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264. He went out for groceries.
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265. Will he be back soon?
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266. He left four years ago.
We're expecting him back any minute.
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267. I'm gonna go.
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268. I'm sorry about the dog.
Everything.
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269. I'm sorry.
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270. Hey, lady!
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271. Hey, wait up!
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272. - How do you know my dad?
- Well, I don't really.
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273. Just genetically.
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274. He's kind of my dad too.
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275. Heavy.
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276. So did he ever talk about me... Phoebe?
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277. No, but he didn't really talk
about anything.
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278. Except stilts.
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279. - Stilts?
- Yeah, he loved stilts.
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280. One time, I was upstairs stealing
cigarettes out of my mom's purse...
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281. and all of a sudden I look over...
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282. and there's Dad's head,
bobbing past the window.
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283. He just had this big smile on his face
and he was waving...
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284. because he was happiest
when he was on his stilts.
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285. I don't know what to do with that.
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286. Me neither.
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287. So are you, like, my big sister?
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288. This is huge. You can buy me beer!
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289. I'm not gonna.
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290. But you know what's cool? If you had
a friend named Pete, I could say...
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291. "I know Pete.
He's friends with my brother."
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292. - I got a friend named Mark.
- That'll work too.
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293. Cool. All right.
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294. So maybe, you know,
I could give you a call sometime.
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295. We could talk or something.
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296. - Yeah, that'd be okay.
- All right.
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297. I'm in the book.
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298. So stilts, huh?
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299. If you want, I can show you where
he hit his head on the rain gutter.
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300. We did it. We're here.
We are standing our ground.
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301. - How long does coffee take?
- Would you come on? Come on!
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302. Thank you.
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303. - There we go.
- I think we proved our point.
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304. - You burn your mouth?
- Cannot feel my tongue.
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305. Bullies! Big bullies!
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306. Look who's here.
It's the weenies.
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307. Did we not make ourselves clear
the other day?
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308. That's why we're here.
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309. Yes, we're standing our ground.
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310. Apparently.
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311. Let's do this already.
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312. You got a weapon?
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313. A nice watch.
I don't want to break it on your ribs.
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314. All right, let's do this.
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315. If I don't care about
my watch, can I use it as a weapon?
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316. - What do you mean?
- It's sharp, it's metal.
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317. I think I can do some
serious damage with it.
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318. No, you can't use your watch.
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319. Or your keys.
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320. Here's what we'll do.
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321. We'll put all keys and watches
in the hat over there.
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322. All right?
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323. All right, come on, man. Let's do it!
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324. Before I forget, are we hitting faces?
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325. Of course. Why wouldn't you hit faces?
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326. I have to work on Monday.
I have a big presentation.
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327. Actually, I gotta show
this apartment tomorrow...
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328. and this no-faces thing
might not be a bad idea.
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329. Nothing from the neck up.
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330. Or the waist down.
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331. - Dana's ovulating.
- Really? You guys trying again?
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332. Let me get this straight.
We're talking about the middle?
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333. Come on!
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334. You want a piece of this?
I'm standing here!
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335. Those guys are taking our stuff!
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336. God, that was amazing.
That was incredible.
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337. - You guys kicked butt!
- Us? What about you guys?
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338. You really gave it to
old Mr. Clean back there.
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339. - He was a big guy.
- Yeah, he was, wasn't he?
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340. I wouldn't know,
having missed everything.
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341. Don't do that to yourself.
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342. Any one of us could have tripped
over that little girl's jump rope.
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343. So listen, guys...
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344. are we okay here?
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345. We're okay.
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346. So can I have my hat back?
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347. Oh, my God. Look at her.
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348. Hi, Monica!
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349. How's it going?
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350. Hey, nice boobs.
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351. Guys, guys. Check this out.
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352. Excellent.
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