Friends 2x18

Directed by Michael Lembeck

Tom Selleck as Richard Burke • Roark Critchlow as Mike Horton • Mary Gallagher as Tilly • Vanessa Sandin as Amber • Brian Posehn as Messenger

Chandler learns more about his new roommate, Eddie. Ross is stressed out to learn that Rachel had 'animal sex' with Paolo. Richard and Monica are uncomfortable to learn what their numbers of ex-lovers are. Joey's remarks to a fan magazine could cause him to lose his job playing Dr Ramoray.

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1. - It's not fair. It's my money. - I know, but it's what Bread wanted.

2. - Ok, which one is she? - That's Bread's widow.

3. - Why she didn't upset? - Because she just find out and cut the wire.

4. - Didn't she find out she can't define the money. - No.

5. - Oh, Drake. - I'm sorry, Amber.

6. It's like Brad to have to have the last word.

7. Sorry I'm late. What happened?

8. We wanna see the end.

9. I want you, Drake.

10. I know you do.

11. But we can never be together that way.

12. What?

13. There's something I never told you.

14. I'm actually your half-brother.

15. So what happens next?

16. I get the medical award for separating the Siamese twins.

17. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramon...

18. where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big.

19. But it's cursed.

20. So cool!

21. God, that is good TV!

22. The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies

23. Pheebs, play with me!

24. This game is grotesque!

25. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar...

26. forced to play soccer forever?

27. Hello? Human rights violation!

28. Don't feel so bad. After playing...

29. I break out the plastic women and everybody has a good time.

30. Why don't you play with your roommate?

31. He's not a big fan of foosball.

32. Are we not getting along with the new boy?

33. No, he's all right. He spends most of his time in his room.

34. That's because you haven't gotten to know him.

35. Let's remedy that, shall we?

36. - We don't need to. - It'll be fun!

37. What was that?

38. I thought it'd be fun if we had beers and got to know each other.

39. All right.

40. Oh, good! Okay.

41. Oh, no! I have to go, because I'm late for...

42. my Green Eggs and Ham discussion group.

43. Tonight, it's "Why he would not eat them on a train."

44. - Have fun! Bye! - That was so lame.

45. I know.

46. Okay, talk to him.

47. So you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets or...?

48. That's good. So who broke up with who?

49. I broke up with her.

50. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.

51. When everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia is...

52. It's not Sean Penn.

53. I got a funny one.

54. My last girlfriend, Tilly. We're eating breakfast, right?

55. I made these pancakes. Like, 50 pancakes.

56. All of a sudden, she turns to me and says, "Eddie...

57. I don't wanna see you anymore."

58. It was literally like she had reached into my chest...

59. ripped out my heart and smeared it all over my life!

60. There was this incredible abyss and I'm falling.

61. I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop!

62. That wasn't such a funny story.

63. And a crusty old man Said I'll do what I can

64. And the rest of the rats Played maracas

65. That's it! Thanks! Good night.

66. Phoebe's got another job, right?

67. Great set tonight, Pheebs.

68. I know.

69. We should get going.

70. We should too. I've got patients at 8 in the morning.

71. You know how we always stay at your apartment?

72. I thought tonight we'd stay at my place.

73. I don't know. I don't have my jammies.

74. You don't need them.

75. My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

76. Shut up. I'm happy.

77. Oh, this is so nice! I have to make a speech.

78. Of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot...

79. I like you the best.

80. Thank you, Pheebs. That's very sweet.

81. You hear that?

82. She likes me best. And apparently, there have been a lot.

83. Not a lot.

84. Phoebe's kidding. Phoebe's crazy.

85. Phoebe's dead.

86. I'm looking for Eddie Manoick.

87. He's not here right now. I'm Chandler.

88. Can I take a message or... Or a fish tank?

89. Thanks.

90. Come on in.

91. I'm Tilly.

92. I gather by that "Oh," he told you about me.

93. Yeah, your name came up...

94. in a conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

95. He's kind of intense.

96. Yes! Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...

97. A little what?

98. bit country?

99. You know, a little rock and roll.

100. Come on in, you roomie!

101. Hello, Tilly.

102. Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.

103. That was very thoughtful of you.

104. It's very thoughtful.

105. Well, okay then.

106. I'm gonna go. Bye.

107. So we getting a fish?

108. You had sex with her.

109. Check it out, check it out!

110. Soap Opera Digest! That's one of my favorite digests!

111. Page 42! Page 42!

112. "New Doc on the Block, Days of our Lives Joey Tribbiani."

113. Cool picture!

114. Oh, I look good.

115. Is this true? That you write a lot of your own lines?

116. Well, kind of, yeah.

117. Remember last week when Alex was in the accident?

118. The line in the script was...

119. "If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die."

120. But I made it, "If this woman doesn't get to a hospital...

121. she's not gonna live."

122. Oh, okay. I see what you did there.

123. Aren't you afraid the writers will be kind of mad when they read this?

124. I never thought about the writers. The scripts just come to my house.

125. But you know what?

126. This makes me look good, which makes the show look good...

127. which makes the writers look good. So how could they be mad?

128. Makes up most of his lines.

129. Son of a...

130. Write this, jerk-weed.

131. I fall down an elevator shaft?

132. What does this mean? I fall down an elevator shaft?

133. I don't know. I just bring the scripts.

134. They can't kill me! I'm Francesca's long-lost son!

135. Right.

136. Could you sign?

137. No! No way! I'm not signing that!

138. I don't think that will affect the plot of the show.

139. How can they do this to me?

140. All right, I'm just gonna go.

141. Sorry.

142. Well, it wasn't that many guys.

143. If you consider how many guys there actually are...

144. it's a very small percentage.

145. It's not that big a deal. I was just curious.

146. - Good night. - Good night, Richard.

147. Good luck, Mon.

148. Before I tell you, you tell me how many women you've been with.

149. Two.

150. Two? Two?

151. How is that possible? I mean...

152. have you seen you?

153. I mean, what can I say?

154. I was married to Barbara for 30 years, my high-school sweetheart.

155. Now you. That's two.

156. Two it is.

157. Time for bed. I'm gonna brush my teeth.

158. No, wait a minute now!

159. Come on, it's your turn.

160. Oh, come on!

161. You know, I don't need the actual number. Just a ballpark.

162. Okay, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

163. I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.

164. Tell me about it.

165. So what's your magic number?

166. Come on, you know everyone I've been with. All both of them.

167. Well, there's you.

168. Better not be doing these in order.

169. Billy Dreskin, Pete Carny.

170. Barry.

171. Paolo.

172. Oh, yes, the weenie from Turinie.

173. Honey, are you jealous of Paolo?

174. I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

175. - Really? - Oh, please!

176. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship.

177. All it really was was just meaningless, animal sex.

178. Okay, you know, that sounded so much better in my head.

179. I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

180. That's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.

181. This is nuts! Crazy! She came over for two minutes...

182. dropped off a fish tank and left!

183. Where's Buddy?

184. Buddy?

185. My fish, Buddy.

186. There was no fish when she dropped it off.

187. This is unbelievable!

188. You sleep with my ex-girlfriend, insult my intelligence by lying...

189. then you kill my fish? My Buddy?

190. I didn't kill your fish!

191. Look, Eddie

192. Would you look at what I'm doing?

193. Now that can't be smart.

194. So we're just gonna take this guy right off you...

195. and put him here in Mr. Pocket.

196. Tangelo?

197. That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?

198. Well, that's not bad at all.

199. You had me thinking it was, like, a fleet.

200. You're okay with it?

201. Oh, honey, I'm fine.

202. Okay, about that two.

203. What?

204. All right.

205. What about my two?

206. It just seems like a really small number.

207. Right.

208. Don't you have a lot of wild oats to sow?

209. Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh, my God! Am I an oat?

210. Honey, you are not an oat.

211. I don't know, I guess I'm just not an oat guy.

212. I've only slept with women I love.

213. You've only slept with two people.

214. Right.

215. You know I love you too, right?

216. Now I do.

217. Ross, please listen to me.

218. You are so much better for me than Paolo ever was.

219. You care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

220. If I make you laugh, here's an idea.

221. Invite Paolo to have a romp in the sack...

222. and I'll stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes!

223. What we have is special! All Paolo and I ever had was

224. "Animal sex"?

225. So what are you saying?

226. There's nothing between us "animal" at all?

227. There's not even, like, a little animal?

228. Not even, like...

229. chipmunk sex?

230. Try to hear me, okay?

231. I'm not gonna lie to you.

232. - It was good with Paolo. - Knock-knock.

233. But what you and I have is so much better.

234. We have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect.

235. You know? I swear.

236. This is the best...

237. I have ever had.

238. Until now.

239. Richard told me he loved me.

240. - Oh, my God! - I know!

241. Honey, that's great!

242. I know!

243. - I just can't find - Top drawer.

244. - Hurry. - Why? You need one too?

245. Found them!

246. There's only one.

247. We'll be right there. We're just trying to decide something.

248. - They're trying to decide something. - Good. Good, good.

249. So was your mustache Did it used to be different?

250. How do you, you know, keep it so neat?

251. I have a comb.

252. - What is that? - A mustache comb.

253. Thank you.

254. Okay, I will do your laundry for one month.

255. I will, I will, I will...

256. I will clean the apartment for two months.

257. I'll give this to you now, if you tell me where we keep the dustpan.

258. So were you in Nam?

259. We are both adults here. We must got some way to solve this.

260. - Rock, paper, scissors? - Gotcha.

261. One, two, three.

262. Yes!

263. Fine. Go have sex.

264. No! You have got it completely wrong!

265. John Savage was Deer Hunter, no legs.

266. Jon Voight was Coming Home, couldn't feel his legs.

267. You've got it totally the other way around, my friend. Jon Voight

268. - Honey? - What?

269. Shall we?

270. It's not gonna happen.

271. They're doing it tonight. We can do it tomorrow.

272. In the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...

273. So when I woke up this morning...

274. he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes!

275. Why?

276. He thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

277. Why would you kill his fish?

278. Because sometimes after you sleep with someone...

279. you have to kill a fish.

280. Chandler, honey...

281. I'm sorry.

282. Can we watch Joey's show now, please?

283. Wait. He's not here yet.

284. He knows what happens.

285. I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.

286. Amber...

287. I'll always be there for you...

288. as a friend and as your brother.

289. Oh, Drake.

290. Hard day, huh?

291. First the medical award, now this?

292. Some guys are just lucky, I guess.

293. Dr. Ramoray, report to first floor Emergency stat.

294. Well, then...

295. I guess that's me.

296. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton? Dr. Wall?

297. They only said you.

298. Oh, okay. All right.

299. I love you.

300. Yeah, whatever.

301. Oh, no!

302. Drake, look out!

303. - Did they just kill off Joey? - No!

304. Now maybe.

305. Come on! Open up! We want to talk to you!

306. I don't feel like talking!

307. Come on! We care about you.

308. - We're worried about you. - And some of us really have to pee!

309. I'm sorry, Joey.

310. Listen, sorry about your death. That really sucks.

311. - We came over as soon as we saw. - How could you not tell us?

312. I don't know. I was kind of hoping no one would ever find out.

313. Well, maybe they could find a way to bring you back.

314. They said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in...

315. that the only doctor who could've saved me was me.

316. It's supposed to be some kind of irony.

317. But Joey, you're gonna be fine.

318. You don't need that show. It was just a dumb soap opera.

319. This was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

320. Yes! I was going to incorporate that.

321. Here's Monica. She'll have something nice to say.

322. I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew.

323. What? To me, that's nice.

324. It'll be okay. You know that.

325. No, I don't.

326. It's like you work your whole life for something...

327. and you think that when you get it...

328. it'll never be as good as you thought.

329. But this so was.

330. It changed everything.

331. Like, the other day, I got this credit card application...

332. and I was pre-approved!

333. I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life!

334. I'm sorry, man.

335. I don't know if this'll mean anything to you...

336. but you'll always be pre-approved with us.

337. That means nothing to me.

338. Pecan sandy? Just made them.

339. Yeah, all right.

340. Are these raisins?

341. Sure, why not?

342. Listen, Eddie.

343. I've been thinking about our living situation.

344. Why are you smiling?

345. I got a little surprise. Look. There's a new fishy.

346. I named him...

347. Chandler, you know, after you.

348. Well, that's not even a real fish.

349. No, that's a Goldfish cracker.

350. So what's your point, man?

351. Okay, good night.

352. You big freak of nature!

353. - Brisk tonight. - Oh, man.

354. - Let's never speak of this. - You got it.