Friends 2x16

Directed by Michael Lembeck

Tom Selleck as Richard Burke • Warren Berlinger as Bob • Audrie Neenan as Emily • Josie DiVincenzo as Tattoo Artist • Stephen Samuels as Arik

After having a fight with Chandler, Joey decides to move out. Rachel and Phoebe decide to get tattoos. And, on his birthday, Mr. Geller receives the unsettling news that his best friend and his daughter are dating.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Man, this is weird.

2. Ever realize Cap'n Crunch's eyebrows are on his hat?

3. That's what's weird?

4. The man's been captain of a cereal for 40 years.

5. Whoa, yuck!

6. What?

7. The spoon! You licked and you put.

8. You licked and you put.

9. Yeah, so?

10. Don't you see how gross that is? It's like you using my toothbrush!

11. You used my toothbrush?

12. Only because I used the red one to unclog the drain.

13. Mine is the red one!

14. Oh, God! Can open. Worms everywhere!

15. Why can't we use the same toothbrush...

16. but we can use the same soap?

17. Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

18. The next time you shower...

19. think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

20. - Hey. - Hey.

21. Look at you fancy lads!

22. What's the occasion?

23. You know that guy on my show that's in a coma?

24. He's having a brunch.

25. Ready when you are.

26. I can't believe you're actually getting tattoos.

27. You guys are getting tattoos?

28. But you cannot tell Ross because I wanna surprise him.

29. Wow, this is wild! What are you gonna get?

30. I'm getting a lily.

31. For my mom, because her name's Lily.

32. That's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

33. - Where you getting it? - On my shoulder.

34. What?

35. What's on your shoulder?

36. A chip.

37. - A tattoo. I'm getting a tattoo. A tattoo?

38. Why? Why would you wanna do that?

39. - Hi. - Hi.

40. You don't think they're kind of cool?

41. No. Sorry, I don't.

42. Why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life?

43. What if it doesn't come out right?

44. It's like having a bad haircut all the time.

45. Why is everyone staring at me?

46. Sign this card for Dad. Richard will be here soon.

47. Richard's going to the party too?

48. He's my parents' best friend. He has to go.

49. So is today the day you'll tell them about you two?

50. Yeah, for my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

51. No, I think you should tell them.

52. I don't know how serious he is. Until I do, I won't say anything.

53. I don't think Mom and Dad would mind.

54. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, Dad said:

55. "God, I hope they get together."

56. Shall we?

57. Okay, wait.

58. You know what?

59. Ross, let's switch places. You get in the middle.

60. This looks like we're trying to cover something up.

61. You could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it.

62. We're here!

63. MRS. Hi, kids! MR. The children!

64. - Happy birthday, Dad. - Thank you.

65. Happy birthday!

66. So you kids thanked Dr. Burke for the ride?

67. Actually, Mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

68. So you kids take the train in?

69. No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.

70. Speaking of whom...

71. I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city.

72. Finger cramp! Oh, God!

73. Sorry. Here, let me get that, Mom.

74. So Richard's shopping in the junior section?

75. Are we still on that?

76. You just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.

77. She's probably not even pretty.

78. Just young enough so that everything is still pointing up.

79. Can you believe this place?

80. I know. This is a great apartment.

81. In the bathroom there's mirrors on both sides of you.

82. When you're in there, it's like peeing with the Rockettes.

83. Well, there's my fantasy come true.

84. Seriously.

85. Hey.

86. We were just saying, great apartment!

87. Thanks. You want it?

88. I'm moving to a bigger place.

89. You should take this one.

90. Can you see me in a place like this?

91. Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings?

92. Come on, I'll show you the kitchen.

93. That's all right, I saw a kitchen this morning.

94. On TV.

95. Stop talking. Okay!

96. - Come on, tell us! - Is she really 20?

97. I am not telling you guys anything.

98. Come on, it's my birthday. Let me live vicariously!

99. Dad, you really don't want to do that.

100. What's a little midlife crisis between friends?

101. Would you let it go?

102. I know what you're going through. When I turned 50, I got the Porsche.

103. You got your own little speedster.

104. - Seriously, it's not like that. MR. Tell you what.

105. Maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...

106. Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence!

107. What? I'm kidding!

108. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.

109. Okay, Rach.

110. Which lily? This lily or that lily?

111. - Well, I... - I like this lily.

112. It's more open and that's like my mom.

113. She had a more open, giving spirit.

114. Foghorn Leghorn!

115. Blond girl? You're in room two.

116. Not-so-blond girl, you're with me.

117. - Here we go! - Uh-huh.

118. You're not going.

119. Uh-huh.

120. Is this because of what Ross said?

121. No.

122. - Well, yeah, maybe. - I don't believe this.

123. Is this how this relationship works? Ross equals boss?

124. Come on, what is this, 1922?

125. What's 1922?

126. Just, you know, a long time ago.

127. When men used to tell women what to do a lot.

128. Then there was suffrage, which was a good thing. But it sounds horrible.

129. Do you want this tattoo?

130. Yes, I do. It's just that Ross...

131. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?

132. No.

133. Who is the boss of you?

134. You?

135. No. You are the boss of you!

136. You march in there and get that tattoo on your hip!

137. Go!

138. How you doing?

139. I'm a twinkie!

140. Really? I'm a hero.

141. This is so hard.

142. Yeah, I know. I hate it too.

143. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

144. Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

145. My parents are dead.

146. God, you are so lucky!

147. I mean... Well, you know what I mean.

148. Just hang in there, okay?

149. Okay, I'll go out first, all right?

150. Judy! Going to the bathroom. Good for you!

151. Thank you, Richard. I appreciate the support.

152. MR. Honey.

153. Seen my Harmon Killebrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.

154. I have no idea.

155. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?

156. I know. He's a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.

157. I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.

158. He told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl.

159. He told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

160. MRS. Really? - I've never seen him this happy.

161. So, Jack...

162. ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

163. Of course not.

164. With you, it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.

165. Oh, Jack, stop!

166. MR. Come on!

167. It's my birthday!

168. Can we drop this?

169. I am not interested in the guy's apartment.

170. Oh, please. I saw the way you were checking out his moldings.

171. You want it.

172. Why would I want another apartment?

173. I've already got an apartment that I love.

174. It wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.

175. All right. You want the truth? I'm thinking about it.

176. - What? - I'm sorry.

177. I'm 28. I've never lived alone...

178. and I'm at a place where I got enough money...

179. that I don't need a roommate.

180. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't need a roommate either.

181. I can afford to live here by myself.

182. I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

183. Why are you getting so bent out of shape?

184. We didn't agree to live together forever.

185. We're not Bert and Ernie.

186. You know what?

187. If this is the way you feel...

188. then maybe you should take it.

189. - That's how I feel. - Then maybe you should take it!

190. Maybe I will!

191. - Fine with me! - Great!

192. You can spend more quality time with your real friends...

193. the spoons!

194. Whose drink can I freshen?

195. Almost time for cake!

196. Mon?

197. Mon, are you okay?

198. - Remember that video of Mom and Dad? - Yeah?

199. - Well, I just caught the live show. - Ew!

200. - Hey there. - What?

201. Nothing. I just heard something nice about you.

202. Really?

203. MRS. Richard?

204. - Your son isn't seeing anyone, is he? - Not that I know of.

205. I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?

206. That's an idea.

207. Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.

208. - Oh? - Oh?

209. Oh...

210. She never tells us anything.

211. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?

212. Mom, there are so many people in my life.

213. Some are seeing people and some aren't.

214. Is that crystal?

215. So who's the mystery man?

216. Well, he's a doctor.

217. A real doctor?

218. No, a doctor of meat.

219. Of course he's a real doctor.

220. And he's handsome.

221. And he's sweet, and I know you'd like him.

222. Well, that's wonderful.

223. Mom, it's okay.

224. It is, Judy.

225. Jack!

226. Could you come in here for a moment?

227. Now!

228. - Found it! - I'll take that, Dad.

229. It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.

230. That's impossible. He's got a twinkie in the city.

231. I'm the twinkie.

232. - You're the twinkie? - She's not a twinkie!

233. Look, this is the best relationship I've been in...

234. Oh, please! A relationship?

235. Yes, a relationship!

236. For your information, I'm crazy about this man.

237. Really?

238. Yes.

239. Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

240. This is a good thing. You said you've never seen Richard happier.

241. When did I say that?

242. Upstairs in the bathroom, right before you felt up Mom!

243. Happy birthday to you

244. Happy birthday to you

245. Happy birthday, dear Jack

246. Happy birthday to you

247. It looks so good! Oh, I love it.

248. I know, so do I! I'm so glad you made me do this.

249. Okay, let me see yours.

250. Let's see yours again.

251. We just saw mine. Let me see yours.

252. Oh, no!

253. It's gone! That's so weird.

254. I don't know how, where it went.

255. You didn't get it?

256. No.

257. Why not?

258. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

259. How could you do this to me? This was your idea!

260. I know! I was gonna get it, but he came in with this needle.

261. And did you know they do this with needles?

262. Really? You don't say?

263. Because mine was licked on by kittens!

264. - Hey. - Hey.

265. I'm sorry about what...

266. - Yeah, me too. - I know.

267. Do we need to hug?

268. No, we're all right.

269. So I got you something.

270. Plastic spoons!

271. - Great! - Lick away, my man!

272. These will go great in my new place till I get real ones.

273. What?

274. I can't use these forever. They're no friend of the environment.

275. No, I mean what's this about your new place?

276. I'm moving out, like we talked about.

277. I didn't think that was serious.

278. You know, I thought that was just a fight.

279. Well, it was a fight...

280. based on serious stuff, remember?

281. About how I never lived alone or anything?

282. I think it would be good for me. Help me to grow...

283. or whatever.

284. Well, there you go.

285. Hey, are you cool with this?

286. I don't wanna leave you high and dry.

287. I've never been lower or wetter.

288. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your...

289. bedroom into a game room.

290. Put the foosball table in there.

291. Why do you get to keep the table?

292. I did pay for half of it.

293. I paid for the other half.

294. I'll tell you what. I'll play you for it.

295. All right, you're on.

296. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

297. Your men will get scored on more times than your sister.

298. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

299. Which sister?

300. So are you sorry that I told them?

301. No. It's been a long time since your dad and I went running.

302. Did you get it?

303. Is Ross here? - He went out for pizza.

304. Okay, really quick.

305. That's great!

306. Very tasteful.

307. - Wanna see mine? Wanna see mine? Yes!

308. What? You didn't get one.

309. Okay. Well then, what is this?

310. What are we looking at?

311. That blue freckle?

312. That's my tattoo.

313. That is not a tattoo. That is a nothing.

314. I got her in the chair...

315. he barely touched her with the needle, she screamed and that was it.

316. Okay, hi!

317. For your information, this is exactly what I wanted.

318. This is a tattoo of the Earth as seen from a great, great distance.

319. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

320. Oh, what a load of crap!

321. That is a dot!

322. Your mother's in heaven going, "Where the hell's my lily, you wuss!"

323. That is not a tattoo! This is a tattoo!

324. You got a tattoo?

325. Maybe.

326. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world!

327. Well, let me see.

328. Well?

329. Well, it's really...

330. sexy.

331. I wouldn't have thought it would be, but...

332. wow!

333. Really?

334. Yeah, so...

335. So is it sore? Or can you do stuff?

336. I guess.

337. Save us some pizza.

338. Get it out of the corner!

339. Pass it! Pass it!

340. Stop talking to your men!

341. Yes!

342. And the table is mine.

343. Congratulations.

344. You guys will still come visit me, right?

345. Oh, yeah! You got the big TV.

346. We'll be over there all the time.

347. Except when we are here.

348. I know you're just moving uptown, but I'll really miss you.

349. How can you not be across the hall anymore?

350. Who's gonna eat all of our food and tie up our phone lines...

351. Is that my bra?

352. - What are you doing with my bra? - It's not what you think.

353. We used it to fling water balloons off the roof.

354. Remember? Those kids couldn't even get theirs across the street.

355. Yeah, I remember.

356. Let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.

357. You want me to...

358. give you a hand with the foosball table?

359. Nah...

360. You keep it. You need the practice.

361. Thanks.

362. So...

363. I guess this is it.

364. Yeah, right.

365. I guess so.

366. Listen...

367. When am I gonna see you?

368. I'm guessing tonight at the coffeehouse.

369. Right. Yeah. Okay.

370. Take care.