1. Joey, would you slow down?
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2. They're not gonna be sold out of papers
at 1:00 in the morning.
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3. I'm excited.
I've never gotten reviewed before.
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4. You were so amazing as the king.
I'm really impressed. I was.
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5. But you know what?
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6. You might wanna consider
wearing underwear next time.
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7. Because when you sat on your throne,
you could kind of see your...
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8. royal subjects.
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9. Here it is. Here it is.
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10. "The only thing worse than
the mindless adolescent direction...
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11. was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly
unskilled portrayal of the king."
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12. Okay, look.
That is one guy's opinion.
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13. - All right? Pheebs, read yours.
- Okay.
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14. "The only thing worse than the mindless,
adolescent direction..."
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15. Does anybody have one
from a different paper?
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16. Ross, read yours.
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17. I don't want to.
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18. Joey, honey, they don't know
what they're talking about.
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19. Maybe they do.
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20. I've been doing this 10 years
and I haven't gotten anywhere.
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21. There's gotta be a reason.
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22. Come on, man, you're just, uh,
paying your dues.
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23. No, no, no. It's too hard.
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24. It's not worth it. I quit.
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25. What?
That's crazy.
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26. Wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute.
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27. I believe this will change your mind.
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28. "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was
able to achieve brilliant new levels of..."
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29. Continued on page 153.
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30. "... sucking."
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31. When I was little,
I wanted to be a veterinarian.
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32. But then I found out you have to
put your hands into cows and stuff.
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33. Hi.
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34. Are you okay?
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35. Yeah, just a tough day at work,
you know?
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36. Stegosaurus fell over, trapped a kid.
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37. I know this jacket.
This is Fun Bobby's jacket.
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38. Where is he? What? He's here, isn't he?
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39. - Maybe.
- Don't toy with me.
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40. - Geller!
- Hey, Fun Bobby.
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41. Whoa, hey. You been working out?
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42. Not at all.
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43. I love this guy.
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44. I was so psyched to hear
you're back with my sister.
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45. - You and me both.
- So, what'd I miss? Come on.
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46. Oh. We were trying
to make Joey feel better.
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47. - Hey, do you need me to pick you up?
- No, I'm all right, man, really.
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48. No, I'm picking you up.
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49. Hey, no, seriously.
I don't need you to...
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50. - All right, it still works.
- Okay.
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51. Now, before I go, does anybody else
need to be picked up?
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52. I'm still gonna go.
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53. - Okay, I'll see you later, babe.
Ah.
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54. Public display of affection coming up.
You can avert your eyes.
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55. Mm.
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56. - See you.
Bye.
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57. Fun Bobby is so great.
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58. Oh, isn't he?
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59. I really think this time it may work with him.
I mean, he makes me feel so good.
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60. And I've been feeling so lousy,
you know, no job, no boyfriend.
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61. Well, at least my cup is half full.
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62. Half full of love.
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63. And for our two-week anniversary,
he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin.
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64. Cabin of love.
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65. We went through a lot of wine tonight,
you guys.
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66. - Really? I only had two glasses.
- I just had a glass.
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67. - Two.
- I had one glass.
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68. I had about a mug full in this lovely...
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69. "I got boned at the Museum
of Natural History" mug.
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70. Okay, so that's, what? Two bottles.
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71. And yet somehow we went through five?
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72. Whoa.
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73. Oh.
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74. So what? So he drank a lot tonight.
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75. Yeah, but, you know,
now that I think about it...
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76. I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby
without a drink in his hand.
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77. Yeah. Ooh, ooh, yeah, you know?
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78. Did you notice how he always
starts his stories with, um:
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79. "Okay, I was so wasted," or,
"Oh, we were so bombed."
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80. Or, um, "So I wake up and I'm
in this Dumpster in Connecticut."
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81. Monica, have you ever been with him
when he wasn't drinking?
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82. Well, we just happen to go to
a lot of places where you might drink.
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83. I mean, how do you go to a wine-tasting
without having a drink?
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84. Or to a club, or to the...
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85. zoo.
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86. Rach, does this have nonfat milk?
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87. Um, I don't know, why don't you taste it?
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88. Mm. No.
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89. Oh, well, too late, you already had some.
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90. What do you say we make these, uh,
coffees Irish?
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91. Um, cake.
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92. Yeah, we're gonna...
We're gonna get some cake.
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93. You know, it seems like you've been
making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.
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94. I would make them Belgian, but the waffles
are hard to get into that flask.
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95. Bobby.
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96. Yeah, okay.
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97. Look, maybe this is none of my business,
or maybe it is, I don't know.
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98. But, um, I'm kind of worried about you.
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99. Okay, look, this isn't the first time
somebody said something to me about this.
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100. But, I don't know, I always made excuses,
like "I'm just a social drinker."
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101. Or "Hey, come on, it's Flag Day."
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102. So, what are you saying now?
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103. I guess I'm saying...
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104. I'll try and quit.
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105. I kind of like that you worry about me.
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106. So, what's going on?
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107. I am gonna try and quit drinking.
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108. Oh. Why?
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109. - Hey.
- Hey.
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110. Hey.
Hey.
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111. Guess who's back in show business.
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112. Ooh, ooh. Lorne Greene?
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113. No, Pheebs. You know why?
Because he's dead.
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114. Oh, no.
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115. Okay, I guess this is gonna seem
bittersweet now...
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116. but Joey, that's who.
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117. Oh, yay!
Really?
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118. My agent just called me with an audition
for Days of our Lives.
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119. Kick ass.
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120. We have to celebrate.
We should do a soap opera theme.
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121. Hey, yeah. We could all sleep together,
and then one of us could get amnesia.
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122. Rach, what time do you get off?
We're all gonna do something tonight.
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123. Uh, well, actually, I'm already done.
Ahem. But I kind of got plans.
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124. You have other friends?
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125. Yeah, I, uh... I have a date.
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126. - What?
- With a man?
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127. What? What is so strange
about me having a date?
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128. What about Ross?
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129. Are you still mad at him
because he made that list about...?
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130. No, no, I'm not mad at him.
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131. I'm not really anything at him anymore.
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132. - What are you talking about?
- I don't know.
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133. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.
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134. But you guys came so close.
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135. Oh, I know. I'm sorry, you guys.
You're gonna have to get used to the fact...
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136. that I will not be dating Ross.
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137. Here he is. Hi.
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138. Guys, this is Russ.
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139. Hi.
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140. No, no, no. I'm not saying
you're not talented. You're very talented.
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141. It's just that with the bird dead and all,
there's very little act left.
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142. Oh, honey, give me a break, will you?
Oh, oh. I'll talk to you later.
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143. Well, there's my favorite client.
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144. So tell me, darling,
how was the audition?
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145. Well, I think it went pretty well.
I got a callback for Thursday.
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146. Joey. Have you ever seen me ecstatic?
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147. - No.
- Well, here it is.
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148. Okay. Uh, listen, there's something
I want to talk to you about.
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149. - The network casting lady...
- Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
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150. Yeah, yeah, she's great.
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151. But I kind of got the feeling
that she was sort of coming on to me.
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152. And I definitely would get the part
if I were to, you know...
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153. - if I would have sent the little general in.
- Oh.
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154. I see. Well, I'm just gonna
put in a call here...
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155. and we'll find out what's going on
and straighten it out.
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156. Yeah, hi. Lori, please.
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157. Hi, darling.
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158. So how about Joey Tribbiani
for the part of the cab driver?
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159. Isn't he terrific?
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160. Uh-huh.
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161. Okay, doll, talk to you later.
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162. Yeah, you're gonna have to
sleep with her.
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163. What's the matter?
Fun Bobby.
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164. What? Isn't he sober?
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165. Oh, he's sober all right.
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166. Just turns out that Fun Bobby
was fun for a reason.
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167. Ah. Okay.
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168. All right, here you go, sweetie.
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169. Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?
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170. Oh, God, yes.
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171. There are no hardware stores open
past midnight in the Village.
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172. That is funny.
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173. I needed to buy a hammer
the other night...
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174. and I'm out walking
around the neighborhood.
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175. But apparently...
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176. there are no hardware stores open
past midnight in the Village.
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177. Uh, say, honey, don't you have to
be at your interview?
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178. Oh, yeah.
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179. See you guys.
Bye...
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180. ridiculously dull Bobby.
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181. - Oh, my God.
- He's not that bad.
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182. Not that bad?
Did you not hear the hammer story?
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183. Okay, okay, don't get all squinky.
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184. Maybe it was just the kind of story
where you had to be there.
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185. But I'm gonna be there.
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186. For the rest of my life.
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187. I can't break up with him.
I made him quit drinking.
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188. - He's dull because of me.
- All right, don't say that.
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189. He's probably always been dull.
You just, you know...
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190. set it free.
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191. - Hi.
- Hey, Ross. Ah.
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192. Hi, Russ.
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193. I've just got two more tables to clean,
and then we'll go, okay?
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194. Okay. I'll just sit here and, uh...
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195. chat with your, uh...
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196. friend-type people.
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197. Rachel? Um, hi.
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198. - Hi.
- Okay.
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199. So you know what you're doing, right?
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200. Ha, ha. Waitressing?
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201. Well, yeah. But, no. I mean, um...
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202. Doesn't Russ just
remind you of someone?
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203. - Huh. Bob Saget?
- Oh, yeah.
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204. - No, no, no. Oh, oh.
- Hi.
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205. Oh, my, oh.
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206. What...? What's wrong?
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207. - I... Okay.
- She's just upset because she, uh...
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208. She buttered a spider
into her toast this morning.
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209. Mm-hm.
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210. All right.
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211. Listen, Pheebs.
This is gonna be okay.
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212. Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
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213. - Hi.
- Hi.
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214. Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
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215. Yes. Yes, I am.
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216. Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
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217. Actually, I'm, uh, kind of a...
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218. you know...
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219. a date-type thing...
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220. of Rachel's.
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221. - A date?
- Yeah. I'm her date.
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222. Oh. Oh, you're, uh...
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223. Oh, you're the date.
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224. You know, this is actually good...
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225. because if we ever lose Ross,
we have a spare.
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226. Oh. You are the, uh, paleontologist.
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227. Yes. Yes, I am. And you are a...
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228. Periodontist.
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229. See? Now they're
as different as night and...
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230. later that night.
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231. Well, I am going to, uh, get a beverage.
Heh.
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232. - Uh, it was nice, uh, meeting you.
- Ditto.
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233. I, uh... Well, I met Russ.
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234. Oh.
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235. Hey, I didn't know
we were, uh, seeing other people.
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236. - Well, we're not seeing each other, so...
- Huh.
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237. Well, uh, for your information,
there's a woman at the museum...
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238. who's curator of moths and other, uh...
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239. winged things...
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240. who's, uh, let it be known
that she is drawn to me, much like a...
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241. you know. Ahem.
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242. Well, so far I've been keeping her at bay,
but, uh, if this is the deal...
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243. Yeah, this is the deal.
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244. - Okay, well, um, have a nice evening.
- Thank you.
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245. - Russ, are you ready?
- Yeah.
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246. Bye.
Bye.
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247. She's dating?
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248. Yes. Yes, but did you see
who she was dating?
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249. What do you mean?
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250. - Do you not see it?
- See what?
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251. I don't know what she sees
in that goober.
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252. It takes him, what?
Like, I don't know, uh...
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253. hello, a week to get out a sentence?
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254. Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
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255. Yeah.
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256. - Hey.
Hey.
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257. Whoa, whoa.
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258. I'm guessing you didn't get the part...
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259. or, uh, Italy called
and said it was hungry?
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260. Well, the part's mine if I want it.
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261. Oh, my God.
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262. Yeah. If I'm willing to sleep
with the casting lady.
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263. Oh, my...
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264. God?
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265. Ten years I've been waiting for
a break like this, Chandler. Ten years.
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266. I mean, Days of our Lives.
That's actually on television.
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267. So, what are you gonna do?
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268. I guess I could sleep with her.
I mean...
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269. How can I do that?
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270. Well, I've got a pop-up book
that told me everything I needed to know.
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271. I've never slept with someone for a part.
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272. Well, is she...?
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273. Sorry.
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274. - Is she good-looking?
- Yeah.
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275. She's totally good-looking.
I mean, if I met her in a bar or something...
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276. I'd be buying her breakfast.
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277. You know, after having slept with her.
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278. You know, maybe this isn't
such a big deal.
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279. I mean, the way that I see it is, you get
a great job and you get to have sex.
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280. You know? Throw in a tree and a fat guy,
and you've got Christmas.
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281. I just... I just don't think
that I want it that way though, you know?
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282. I mean, let's say I do make it, all right?
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283. I'm always gonna look back and wonder
if it was because of my talent...
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284. or because of, you know,
the little general.
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285. Didn't you used to call it the little major?
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286. Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco,
I had to promote it.
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287. Can I get you something from the bar?
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288. Yes, I would like something.
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289. No. No, thank you.
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290. No, if you want a drink, it's okay with me.
I've gotta get used to it.
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291. No, no, really.
I wouldn't feel right about it.
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292. Just some water, please.
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293. - So the light went out in my refrigerator.
- Scotch on the rocks with a twist.
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294. I'm sorry.
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295. Hey, we're having some fun now,
huh, Ross?
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296. Wanna do another one?
Huh, Russ?
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297. Okay. Eleven letters...
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298. atomic element number 101,
ends in "ium."
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299. - Dysprosium.
- Ha, ha. Dysprosium.
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300. Try mendelevium.
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301. And weenie number two has it.
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302. Unless of course 9 Down, "Nights in White
Satin" was sung by the Doody Blues.
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303. You don't see it?
You actually don't see it?
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304. - What?
- Okay, honey, you're dating Ross.
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305. No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ.
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306. Russ is Ross. Russ, Ross.
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307. Steve, sleeve.
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308. Okay, no one is named sleeve.
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309. Phoebe, what the hell
are we talking about?
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310. Other than their names being similar,
I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
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311. For your information,
it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
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312. You could not be more wrong.
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313. You could try,
but you would not be successful.
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314. Okay, I'm gonna get some more coffee
before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
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315. - I know what your problem is.
- Oh, you do, do you?
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316. Mm-hm. You're jealous.
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317. Uh, of what?
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318. You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
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319. Hey, you're a doctor of gums.
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320. That's the smallest body part
you can major in.
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321. It's like, day one, floss.
Day two, here's your diploma.
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322. - Now, you listen...
- No, no.
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323. Let me finish.
No, let me finish.
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324. No, you let me fin...
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325. - Hi.
- Hi.
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326. Ew.
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327. Ew, ew, ew.
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328. - Did Joey say what he was gonna do?
No.
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329. I don't even think he knew.
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330. Hey, would you sleep with somebody
to get a great job?
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331. I don't know.
Who would I have to sleep with?
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332. Me.
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333. Why would I have to sleep with you?
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334. It's my game. You want the job or not?
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335. - Hi.
- Hey.
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336. - Good morning.
- Where you going?
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337. Bobby and I are going away
for the weekend. Remember?
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338. Oh.
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339. What's with all the bottles of liquor?
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340. What's going on?
Is, uh, Bobby drinking again?
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341. Oh, no, this is not for him.
This is for me.
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342. That way, he's still sober, but I find
his stories about shoelaces more amusing.
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343. Ugh, God. Even his knock is boring.
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344. - Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
- Uh, could I talk to you a minute?
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345. Sure.
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346. - This is really hard for me to say.
- Oh, God. You fell off the wagon.
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347. Oh, no, no.
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348. It's about you.
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349. What about me?
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350. I think you may have a drinking problem.
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351. What, these?
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352. No, these are, um, for cuts and scrapes.
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353. Look, I am just not strong enough to be
in a codependent relationship right now.
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354. Oh, shoot.
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355. Well, anyway,
I hope we can be friends.
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356. Okay.
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357. Take care.
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358. - Okay. You too.
- Bye.
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359. What happened?
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360. Well, we kind of broke up.
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361. Aw.
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362. Does anybody want these?
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363. I'll take one.
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364. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this
and pretend I'm a giant.
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365. - Hey.
- Hey. How'd the callback go?
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366. Ugh, it was unbelievable.
I walked in there and she was all over me.
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367. - So, what did you do?
- Well, I couldn't do it.
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368. - I told her I didn't want the part that way.
- Good for you.
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369. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
But then after I left her office...
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370. she caught up with me at the elevator
and offered me an even bigger part.
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371. So, and?
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372. So you are now looking
at Dr. Drake Ramoray, neurosurgeon...
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373. recurring in at least four episodes.
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374. All right!
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375. All right, I gotta go shower.
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376. Hi.
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377. - Oh, hey.
- Hi.
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378. I guess you guys heard
Rachel dumped me.
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379. Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
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380. All she said was that I remind her
too much of somebody.
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381. You have any idea who
she's talking about?
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382. Oh, I do. It's Bob Saget.
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383. - She hates him.
Oh.
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384. - Hey.
Hey, Julie.
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385. Hey, how are you doing?
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386. Oh. I don't know. I mean,
it's definitely weird not being with Ross...
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387. but I guess I'm doing okay.
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388. Actually, I've got some of his stuff
that he, um...
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