Freaks and Geeks 1x7

1. There's two ways you can look at anything in this life.

2. Take my job, for instance.

3. I could get up every morning

4. and go...

5. I don't wanna go and help a bunch of kids.

6. I'm tired.

7. But I don't.

8. I get up and put on my shirt and my tie,

9. and I say, "Hot dog, let me at 'em!"

10. Do you actually say the words "hot dog"?

11. Yes, I do.

12. I know you're struggling.

13. That's why they made guidance counselors for‒

14. to help you.

15. I understand you've just been through puberty.

16. You guys are tall.

17. I'm surprised you fit through that door,

18. quite frankly, okay?

19. A lot of times you might see‒

20. maybe you're taking a shower or something,

21. and you go, "What are these?"

22. "What's that?"

23. But you feel alone and confused,

24. and you don't think anyone understands.

25. Well, I do.

26. Lots of people do,

27. even Mr. Alice Cooper.

28. Bet you don't think he's a square, do you?

29. No, man. Alice Cooper rocks.

30. Do you know this song?

31. Lines form on my face and hands

32. Lines form from the ups and downs

33. I'm in the middle without any plans

34. I'm a boy‒or girl‒ and I'm a man‒or woman

35. I'm 18

36. I get confused every day

37. 18, I just don't know what to say

38. 18, I gotta get away

39. Come on, Nick, fill in those drums there, will ya.

40. Aw, yeah!

41. You guys know what I'm talkin' about?

42. Is this making any sense at all?

43. I think it is.

44. Whoa-oh

45. Oh, my god.

46. That was brutal.

47. I've never hated Alice Cooper

48. as much as I do right now.

49. Guys, Mr. Rosso's really good at the guitar.

50. Some of those chords are hard.

51. Lindsay.

52. What?

53. You're not gonna sing again, are you?

54. No. I was having fun in there,

55. but I'm worried about you.

56. Why?

57. Because you're not one of them.

58. You're a different breed.

59. I'm just worried because, before you know it,

60. you're gonna have to start applying for colleges.

61. And if you keep going the way you're going,

62. some of those colleges may not want you.

63. Well, maybe I don't want them.

64. You know, not everybody in this world has to go to college.

65. You know who didn't go to college?

66. Einstein.

67. Thomas Edison.

68. Frank.

69. Frank who?

70. The dude who pumps my gas.

71. Just saying.

72. So Lindsay, Aunt Judy and Uncle Gary

73. sent you a birthday card.

74. What is it?

75. Oh, my god.

76. They sent me $300 for my college fund.

77. - Wow. - Through the mail?

78. She's lucky that wasn't intercepted

79. by some junkie working for the post office.

80. Kids, your dad has a little treat for us tonight.

81. - Harold? - Oh, yes.

82. I was visiting Mr. Prieh at his store today.

83. And he was selling a game

84. that my family and I used to play

85. when I was a kid, every Friday night.

86. Pit.

87. Pit?

88. Pit.

89. Sounds like fun.

90. It is.

91. It's a stock-trading game.

92. See, we all yell across the table at each other

93. trying to get the other players

94. to trade stocks with us.

95. So we all sit around a table and you yell at us?

96. You do that to us every night.

97. I think it sounds like fun.

98. Yeah, well, have a good time.

99. I'm gonna go out on Friday night.

100. Oh, yeah. Me, too.

101. You know what?

102. I'm sick and tired of you two

103. acting as though you don't belong to a family.

104. You act like you're staying at a hotel

105. and we're your employees.

106. Well, guess what?

107. We are not your employees.

108. We're your parents.

109. Now, we created you and we deserve respect.

110. We respect you.

111. Oh, you can hardly stand to be around us.

112. When you two were kids,

113. you used to run around naked

114. and lay in bed with us all night.

115. We bathed you,

116. and we cleaned your butts when you pooped

117. and we loved it.

118. Now we try to pat you on the head,

119. and you run for the hills.

120. Well, I'm fed up.

121. We are going to be close from now on,

122. whether you like it or not.

123. We are going to spend quality time together,

124. and we're going to enjoy it, damn it!

125. The Weirs are playing Pit this Friday.

126. Get used to it.

127. Natural selection is a process

128. in which weak and inferior genes

129. are weeded out of the gene pool.

130. Many of you may know this concept

131. by its more popular nom de plume‒

132. survival of the fittest.

133. Well, that might be Mr. Darwin now.

134. Hi. I'm Maureen Sampson.

135. I'm a transfer student.

136. Oh. Well, uh, grab a free seat.

137. Always room for another head on the chopping block.

138. Hi.

139. I saw Ronald Reagan kissing a monkey on TV last night.

140. On the news?

141. No, no, no. It was in a movie.

142. He's a pretty good actor.

143. So was the monkey...

144. Uh, hi.

145. I'm sorry. Is this your table?

146. Well, we don't own it,

147. but we kinda sit here every day.

148. I can sit somewhere else.

149. No, no, no. Please.

150. Join us.

151. So... where did you come from?

152. Florida.

153. My dad was transferred here

154. to work for General Motors.

155. Really? My dad drives a Coupe de Ville,

156. so we're practically related.

157. So, are people nice here?

158. Sometimes.

159. You gotta be careful who you hang out with.

160. There are a lot of characters in this school.

161. So, we saw you in our biology class.

162. How did you like it?

163. Uh, it was okay.

164. Teacher seemed kinda weird, though.

165. Once he ran over an old lady,

166. and then he blamed it on his car.

167. He said the accelerator got stuck.

168. Really? We had this teacher at our school,

169. and this guy broke into his house,

170. so the teacher shot him.

171. With a gun?

172. Yeah, but he didn't go to jail,

173. 'cause I guess if someone breaks into your house,

174. you're allowed to shoot him.

175. Our shop teacher got his hair caught in a lathe

176. and then he got his whole scalp torn off

177. and now he has to wear a wig.

178. Our shop teacher got his pinky cut off

179. by the radial arm saw.

180. And when they tried to sew it back on,

181. it didn't fit anymore.

182. So now everyone calls him Pinky Tuscadero.

183. I'm really glad I sat here.

184. You guys are nice.

185. You're really nice.

186. Um, would you mind showing me the ropes around here?

187. Sure. we could... show you the ropes.

188. But if I start bugging you,

189. please, be sure and let me know.

190. Oh, don't worry.

191. We'd never let you bug us.

192. Every old person thinks they're so smart.

193. What, there's, like, no dumb old people?

194. Yeah.

195. I just wanna be older so I can go to bars.

196. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

197. Yeah. No kidding, man.

198. I hear there's this kick-ass band called feedback

199. playing at the Rusty Nail tomorrow night.

200. But they're gonna card, so I can't...

201. What can I do?

202. Oh. well, maybe I'll go.

203. You'd better shut up.

204. Just 'cause you got a fake I.D.,

205. don't go lording it over the rest of us.

206. You have a fake I.D.?

207. Yeah. You wanna check it out?

208. Yeah.

209. It's my cousin's old driver's license.

210. Oh, my god.

211. This looks exactly like you.

212. I know.

213. Except it says you're 24.

214. So?

215. I look mature. Nobody ever stops me.

216. Hey, Daniel, do you have one?

217. Some stupid bouncer asked what my star sign was.

218. I didn't know, so he snagged it.

219. Aw. "Capricorn, Cancer, Capricorn."

220. Dude, I hate astrology.

221. What, everybody born in the same month

222. is gonna have the same life?

223. Hey, you guys.

224. We should get fake I.D.s and go see Feedback.

225. Howie Gelfand sells fake I.D.s,

226. but they cost like, uh, ton of money.

227. I can't‒I ain't got that kind of cash.

228. Well, it just so happens that...

229. I came into a little bit of cash.

230. I could lend you guys some.

231. Well, well, well.

232. I don't know why,

233. but I'm liking her more and more every day.

234. Join the club.

235. Ew.

236. What are you‒ I'm just saying‒

237. Hey, Harris. Hey, Gordon.

238. You met our new friend, Maureen?

239. - Hi. - Hi.

240. Hey, are you new at our school?

241. Yeah.

242. You should stop by the A.V. room.

243. We just got a new beta machine.

244. Thank you, Harris. You're very late, though.

245. Hey, Maureen, tomorrow's pizza day in the cafeteria.

246. Yeah. It's made out of real tomato sauce and everything.

247. - Hi, Sam. - Hey.

248. So, what are you guys doing after school?

249. - You want to do something? - Yeah.

250. Okay. Great. I don't have to be home until dinner.

251. I don't have to be home ever.

252. Oh, hi, uh, Howie!

253. You come and take care of these fine young people.

254. We need some fake I.D.s.

255. Shh. I work here.

256. Come here.

257. I mean, we need some... slacks.

258. Hello? All right.

259. How many do you guys need?

260. Four.

261. Didn't I just get you one?

262. You lose it already?

263. Yeah. I'm not into astrology, okay?

264. Astrology. It's not astrology.

265. It's you, man. It's facts.

266. It's who you're supposed to be.

267. June‒Cancer, Libra‒October, Capricorn‒December.

268. Know it. 1958. You are them.

269. You gonna give us the I.D.s or not?

270. Who's the chick?

271. Hey, her name is Lindsay, all right?

272. Sorry, Bill Laimbeer. You got some good timing.

273. Just about to get a shipment of

274. genuine Canadian drivers' licenses.

275. - Canadian? - Canadian.

276. - I need to look at your faces, memorize them...

277. So I can find a match.

278. Brown eyes, brown hair.

279. Brown eyes, brown hair.

280. Brown eyes, lovely brown hair.

281. Brown eyes, brown hair.

282. Okay. I got it.

283. It's 100 bucks. Half in advance.

284. Half of what?

285. I got it.

286. A chick with money. You got good taste, Stretch.

287. All right.

288. Excuse me. Hey, Gelfand. You know what?

289. There's a box of Parisian nightsuits in the back,

290. and they're not gonna unpack themselves, all right?

291. Okay, sir. I'll be there in one second. Thank you.

292. I'm just, uh, helping these customers.

293. These look great, sir. These look great.

294. Okay. I'll see you guys at 11:00, huh?

295. - All right. - All right. Thanks a lot.

296. Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?

297. What? So I got a big rocket.

298. What am I supposed to do, cut it in half?

299. There she is.

300. She is beautiful.

301. I can't believe she's gonna hang out with us.

302. What if I'm asleep right now and this is just a dream,

303. and any moment Maureen and I are gonna make love?

304. Ew.

305. Then what are we doing here?

306. Maybe this is my nightmare.

307. Hey!

308. Oh, my god, she's running to get to us.

309. Hi, guys!

310. Hey, Maureen.

311. Your rockets look great.

312. God, Bill, your rocket's huge.

313. Oh, it is? I hadn't noticed.

314. I've never launched a rocket before.

315. This is gonna be fun.

316. Okay, Cape Canaveral, ready for lift-off.

317. Ready to launch this thing?

318. Heck, yeah.

319. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

320. So, going to the Rusty Nail with Nick.

321. This is gonna be like your guys' first real date, huh?

322. I don't know. Not really.

323. We're not going out or anything.

324. Yeah, but you're definitely more than friends.

325. I don't know.

326. We only kissed once, and it's not‒

327. it's not a big deal.

328. I don't know. There's a real connection, man.

329. I'm telling you guys, she likes me.

330. So are you guys, like, a couple now?

331. We're‒we're not into labeling things, you know?

332. We have a more mature relationship than that.

333. Let's just say we have an understanding.

334. Well, I'm glad you have an understanding,

335. 'cause I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

336. So, is this what having a girlfriend is gonna be like?

337. She's your best friend and she's beautiful

338. and you can say and do anything in front of her?

339. Well, my dad always says that's what women

340. want you to think before you marry them.

341. That's how they suck you in.

342. She's the kind of woman

343. you could cut the cheese in front of.

344. Oh, yeah, Bill, that's what love is all about.

345. It is. I mean, you couldn't be in love with someone

346. if you couldn't.

347. Think about it.

348. That is true. I mean...

349. You have to sleep with your wife every night of your life.

350. If you couldn't blast one in bed, you'd get physically ill.

351. Oh, come on, guys.

352. You can't fart in front of a woman.

353. What do you think you do, get up and run outside

354. every time you have to let one rip?

355. You'd never get any sleep.

356. I think I might like Maureen, too.

357. Wait. I thought you liked Cindy Sanders.

358. I mean, I do, but, you know, Maureen talks to us.

359. She's not as scary.

360. No. no, no. I'm asking her out.

361. She clearly likes me best.

362. How do you know?

363. You see the way she looks at me?

364. She can barely contain herself.

365. You just happen to be looking at her

366. every time she's thinking about me.

367. Okay. We're all in love with her,

368. and Maureen likes all of us.

369. So all we have to do now is decide who gets her.

370. How do we do that?

371. The same way we decided who had to stand in line

372. for "The Empire Strikes Back" tickets.

373. I'll get the hat.

374. Sam, excited about the big Pit game on Friday?

375. Well, I guess I have to be.

376. Hey, honey, can you come in here for a minute?

377. I like Pit.

378. You don't even know what Pit is.

379. Honey, you cannot force these kids to spend time with us.

380. Did you know that in some cultures,

381. if your children shame you,

382. you're allowed to have them executed?

383. Well, I feel shamed.

384. Oh, Harold.

385. I'm not swinging an ax.

386. I just want them to play Pit with me.

387. I mean, is that so horrible?

388. Honey, it‒ it's like that old saying‒

389. if you love something, set it free.

390. Maybe if we try not to force it, they'll come to us.

391. Well, all right.

392. - There you go. - They're free.

393. Let 'em free. Let 'em go.

394. - See? - Get back here.

395. All right, Bill, you pick.

396. Wait. Why does he get to pick?

397. Because I don't trust you.

398. Just pick fast. Don't try to feel around for your paper.

399. I'm not. I'm just trying to pick one.

400. Quit being so paranoid.

401. Okay. Now we know that the words on this paper

402. could potentially change our lives.

403. - I don't want any‒ - Oh, come on.

404. Just open the paper.

405. Oh, no. Not him.

406. I'm the happiest man in the world.

407. Oh, great, Bill.

408. Now you can go and fart in front of her.

409. You'll make quite the impression.

410. Wait a minute. He wet his paper with spit.

411. - What? - That's how he wins every time.

412. He just feels for the wet one.

413. Mrs. Maureen Haverchuck.

414. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

415. Hey, Lindsay!

416. How are we this morning?

417. I've got some brochures

418. from some ivy league schools.

419. Several are in color.

420. Mr. Rosso, why can't you just leave me alone?

421. Because it's my job.

422. I'm a guidance counselor.

423. I'm trying to guide you.

424. Well, guide someone else.

425. I heard the words,

426. but your eyes said something else.

427. They said, "I'm lost. I need your help.

428. Don't listen to me. Guide me."

429. - I don't need your help. - Okay.

430. Tell you what. Why don't I just come

431. and visit you then in the prison‒

432. where you'll be living‒

433. and give you some really good advice,

434. like should you get shanked in the yard or the dining hall?

435. When you have your baby, which prison guard

436. should take care of it? That kind of thing.

437. That'd be a great way to do my job, don't you think?

438. Only time will tell. See you at the prison yard.

439. All right. Ready to get yourself a new girlfriend?

440. Never been readier.

441. What are you gonna say to her?

442. I don't know.

443. I'm just gonna let the love... flow.

444. God, this is so unfair.

445. Here she comes.

446. I gotta get something out of my locker.

447. What are you doing? Go on.

448. I told you guys.

449. That's why you should've let me have her.

450. I know what to say to a woman.

451. Oh, wow. she's... talking to Vicki.

452. - How do you like it? - It's great.

453. I've met some really nice people.

454. - What's wrong? - What's wrong?

455. The minute she starts getting with that crowd,

456. we'll never see her again.

457. You think she's gonna hang out with us

458. after hanging out with all those jocks and cheerleaders?

459. Why wouldn't she?

460. Because they're pod people.

461. It's like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

462. They'll make her one of them.

463. We'll see her in a week,

464. and she'll be all...

465. Oh, man!

466. We've gotta get her away from Vicki!

467. - What're we gonna do? - Um...

468. Hello!

469. Oh! Eli! Eli, come here.

470. Oh, hi! Hi, Bill! Hi, Neal! Hi, Sam!

471. - Hi, Eli. - Hey, Eli.

472. Eli, Vicki Appleby told me

473. that she doesn't think "Three's Company" is funny.

474. - But it's the funniest show on TV!

475. I know. That's what I told her, but...

476. I better go talk to her.

477. Okay.

478. Do you cheerlead?

479. - No, I‒ - Excuse me.

480. "Three's Company" is the best show on TV.

481. Oh? Oh...

482. - Really? - Yes.

483. The Ropers don't want Jack living with two girls

484. because he doesn't want any dirty stuff going on

485. in‒in his apartment building.

486. There was this scene where Jack had lost his voice...

487. Maureen, do you wanna come to class with us?

488. Oh. Sure. Uh... talk to you later, Vicki.

489. Uh. Okay. Bye.

490. So, which class are you headed to?

491. Oh, social studies.

492. Oh, cool. We're going there, too.

493. Cool.

494. Congratulations, everybody.

495. You're all of age.

496. Oh, yeah.

497. Who the hell is "Jesus H. Garcia"?

498. - It's "Hey-soos." It's your new identity.

499. Tell me that picture doesn't look like you.

500. This picture doesn't look like me, man.

501. Sure it does, man.

502. Well, it's gotta be better than mine.

503. Mine looks kinda Chinese.

504. Yeah. Hey, mine looks Chinese, too.

505. What's going on with that?

506. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

507. There's a big Vietnamese community up there in Alberta.

508. This says I'm 29.

509. That doesn't matter. Mine says I'm 34.

510. I have no problems. It's fine.

511. Why don't you give us the money back?

512. That's top-grade stuff. You don't get refunds.

513. Give us the money back, all right?

514. All right.

515. You know, it's hard to find matches for you guys.

516. No one in Canada looks like you.

517. You know what?

518. I think I'm gonna go with Jesus here.

519. I think I can pull it off.

520. Finally, a sane man. God, this is...

521. Oh, guys, by the way...

522. Tomorrow, at Silverman's,

523. we're having a big sale‒ half-off on all dress shirts.

524. Maybe you guys come by, I'll hook you up.

525. Be nice.

526. Oh, thanks, Howie.

527. Yeah. Thanks for nothing.

528. Wait. That's it?

529. We don't have I.D.s, and the band's playing tonight.

530. That's my only connection.

531. Yeah. I don't know anybody.

532. Wait. I think I might.

533. Maybe we can split up the day

534. and make sure at least one of us

535. is with her between each class.

536. That way, we can make sure

537. that she doesn't talk to anyone but us.

538. Hi!

539. Oh, no. It's Vicki.

540. Where's Eli?

541. Sam, quick, go talk to her about "Three's Company".

542. Oh, hey, Maureen!

543. You wanna come sit with us?

544. Oh. Yeah. I'll talk to you in algebra.

545. Oh, you got pudding.

546. I like pudding, too.

547. Yeah. I like it when it's been sitting around for a while

548. and it gets that skin on the top.

549. Heh.

550. Hi, Maureen. Good to see you again.

551. Hi, Bill.

552. Yeah, how's your day going?

553. Great. I've met tons of new people.

554. What are you doing this weekend?

555. Vicki invited me to a party.

556. That's gonna be fun, huh?

557. Wasn't that nice of her?

558. Hey... Millie... what's going on?

559. Nothing. Just going to mathlete practice.

560. Having a scrimmage against Mount Clemon next week.

561. You wanna come?

562. Uh, no, thanks.

563. Do you ever talk to your cousin Toby anymore?

564. No way. Not since he want to jail.

565. - He's in jail? - He was.

566. He got caught stealing hood ornaments off of cars.

567. They weren't gonna lock him up,

568. but he called the policeman a bad word.

569. Does he still make fake I.D.s?

570. I don't know.

571. Our family doesn't talk to him anymore.

572. He was dropped on the head when he was a baby.

573. That's why we think he's a bad seed.

574. Why do you want a fake I.D.?

575. So you can go get loaded?

576. No. Millie, I just wanna hear this band play.

577. That's why there's records.

578. Do you have his number?

579. I'm not gonna be an accessory to this crime.

580. You know where he lives. Do it yourself.

581. I heard the drinking age is something like 10 in Idaho.

582. Well, I don't think that's right.

583. Wait. This is it.

584. How'd you say you know this guy?

585. He's Millie's cousin.

586. I used to know him when I was really little.

587. I think he's kinda scary now.

588. I think we can handle it.

589. Look, the pharmacy's closed, all right?

590. I don't got nothin'.

591. I got no stuff. Nothin'.

592. Uh... no...

593. Go home.

594. We-we're here for the I.D.s?

595. Oh, the I.D.s. the I.D.s, yeah.

596. All right. Only one person's allowed in at a time.

597. One person. You, McMurphy, you come in.

598. You two stay.

599. - All right. - Hey, babies.

600. Don't play with that rooster!

601. Don't play with that rooster.

602. That's not a nice, petty-pet pet rooster.

603. I'm sorry.

604. No. You're the one who'll be sorry.

605. Very dangerous.

606. I understand. I'm sorry.

607. Hey, man, you got a lot of car stereos.

608. Where'd you get all this?

609. Hey, don't bother with that.

610. Get‒ get away from there.

611. Get away from there, man.

612. Don't even look at that stuff.

613. Oh, cool, man! What's this?

614. I got a green thumb. Don't worry about it.

615. Sit down, sit down. Relax.

616. Oh, cool.

617. Wow, that looks pretty accurate.

618. - It's a masterpiece.

619. What, you just made a stencil and you put that on?

620. Yeah, you know.

621. Wow. You just go to any art supply store,

622. you could get that stuff, huh?

623. And then you just... you need the laminating machine, right?

624. No. No, you can't just buy a laminating machine.

625. You can't just go into a store

626. and buy one like it's a toaster or something...

627. Only corporations have that stuff.

628. It's very expensive.

629. All right, man, it's showtime.

630. You can't just get a laminating machine.

631. What are you... you wanna go to jail?

632. Right into is the hot spot.

633. All right... and don't, you know...

634. There's a window here, right?

635. I mean, there isn't actually one,

636. but pretend that there is one,

637. and don't put your face out further than that, all right?

638. Okay.

639. All right.

640. All right, not like this,

641. you know, back.

642. Come back, you know?

643. There you go.

644. Good.

645. And the hat, take the hat‒

646. you know, what's with the hat?

647. Good. All right, now, look like

648. you've been waiting on line for two hours.

649. Look like you don't want to have your picture taken.

650. Well, what are we gonna do?

651. Why should I help you guys again?

652. You weren't gonna share her with me the other day.

653. Would you share her with us?

654. Touché.

655. So? What do we do?

656. If she's gonna be at Vicki Appleby's party

657. on Saturday,

658. then you guys need to hang out with her on Friday.

659. And then, if you show her the time of her life,

660. maybe‒ just maybe‒

661. she will continue to base that life

662. out of your lunch table.

663. Oh.

664. What are our chances?

665. You don't want to know.

666. Where do we take her?

667. Well, there's only one thing that could compete

668. with a Vicki Appleby party.

669. All-you-can-eat night at the Iron Horse restaurant.

670. - Of course. - So obvious.

671. To me it is.

672. My god, you‒ you are a beautiful girl.

673. - A woman. - Thanks.

674. When we were kids, you were really cute,

675. but, I mean, I never thought you would turn out this hot.

676. You go to McKinley?

677. Mm-hmm.

678. That's a pretty good school. I went there.

679. I almost graduated from there a few years ago.

680. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

681. You hungry or something? You want something to eat?

682. I got some Freihoffer's cookies.

683. You know, those really hard to get,

684. from the east coast. you want one?

685. No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

686. Is this gonna take a long time, or what?

687. Hey, be cool, man, you know,

688. the laminating machine's gotta warm up.

689. You know, you're not even supposed to be back here.

690. Broke my "one person at a time" rule.

691. Right. All right, sorry.

692. Hey, wanna go see Yes at Cobo?

693. I got tickets, I got‒

694. you know, Richie Blackmore's Rainbow is opening up.

695. You know, we could catch up.

696. Oh, um...

697. I don't think I can.

698. Yeah, you can, just...

699. All right, you know, give me your phone number.

700. Give me your home number.

701. I'll call you up.

702. Well, um...

703. Hey, you know, actually, she's my girlfriend, man,

704. so do you think maybe you could stop hitting on her?

705. No, no she's not.

706. Yeah, I‒I'm his girlfriend.

707. Hey, man, that's not cool.

708. That's not cool, you know,

709. you make me feel like a fool.

710. You know, for asking for your number.

711. No, you can have my phone number.

712. It's just that I have a boyfriend.

713. I don't need to ask.

714. I could just get it from my cousin Millie, you know?

715. I was just being polite.

716. You know, let's just get this over with.

717. It's 75 each.

718. Hey, I thought you said that it was 40 each.

719. - Did I? - I think so.

720. 100 each.

721. Let's just do it and get it over with.

722. Look at how much hotter you look in this one

723. than in your real driver's license.

724. Whoa, is this one fake, too?

725. No, why?

726. Because it says you're 18.

727. So, I was left back one year.

728. Well, I know.

729. But still, it wouldn't make you 18.

730. All right, I was left back twice.

731. Okay, are you happy now?

732. There's no secrets between us.

733. All right.

734. 18, that makes me jail bait.

735. - Hey! - You better watch out,

736. I'm gonna call the cops on you.

737. Officer, I didn't know,

738. look at her, she looks like she's 30.

739. Ahh! No, I don't!

740. 2-2-2-2-2-2.

741. 2, 2 you want, 2 you have.

742. Yes!

743. Ha, ha!

744. I have cornered the market on barley.

745. What happened to the corn?

746. I'm looking for corn, here.

747. I don't know where the corn went.

748. Hey, you two, come on,

749. pull up a chair.

750. We have a lot of high-stakes trading going on

751. right here in the pit.

752. Dad, I told you I'm gonna go out.

753. Yeah, me, too.

754. See you later. Have a good night.

755. Yeah, well, don't worry, we will!

756. Be careful, okay?

757. Let the trading begin.

758. See, I told you.

759. We should have forced them to stay with us.

760. You want to keep playing Pit?

761. No. This is a terrible game with just two people.

762. Nobody's home.

763. You wanna have a little sex?

764. Sex?

765. Well, okay.

766. Let's go.

767. Hey, in the bedroom.

768. So, how does this all work?

769. Well, we order a lot of food,

770. and then keep asking for more

771. until they go out of business.

772. My mom says that it takes a little while

773. for your stomach to tell your brain its full,

774. so you should eat really fast.

775. Yeah, but the only problem is,

776. the service is really slow.

777. Yeah, they take forever on purpose,

778. so you'll get full while you wait.

779. Watch how much bread they bring us.

780. Yeah, well, I'm here to eat ribs,

781. lots of ribs.

782. Good evening. Welcome to the Iron Horse.

783. So, I hear service here is really bad

784. 'cause you don't want us to eat much.

785. What?

786. I don't own the place, I don't care how much you eat.

787. Are you sure?

788. No, actually, I'm a millionaire

789. and I just do this for fun.

790. Really?

791. Hey, we just‒ we just want our money's worth.

792. I'll bring 'em faster than you can eat 'em,

793. but I want a 20% tip.

794. 20? I thought 10 was the norm.

795. 15 is standard. 20 is classy.

796. 20 it is.

797. Why are we still talking? I want some ribs.

798. This is gonna be the best night ever.

799. I hope so.

800. Oh, I forgot your bread.

801. See?

802. You see that show "Diff'rent Strokes?"

803. That little Gary Coleman,

804. "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

805. He just crack me up.

806. Man, I'm nervous.

807. Just do it like we discussed, Lindsay.

808. Hey, Jimmy, what's up?

809. - Hey, man. - Let's see some I.D.

810. Oh, really? Okay.

811. I didn't know you guys were carding tonight.

812. I hope I brought it.

813. The suspense is killing me.

814. Oh, there it is.

815. Being a Sagittarius,

816. I'm always forgetting these things.

817. Go on.

818. Yeah, thanks.

819. - Where's your mustache, Jesus?

820. - It's "hay-soos," and I shaved it.

821. Too bad. You looked better with it.

822. Gracias. Señor.

823. Hi. It's great you guys are carding.

824. Makes me feel like a kid again.

825. Thank you.

826. Hey.

827. How are you?

828. All right, come on in.

829. Don't you want to see my I.D.?

830. No, you're good.

831. Those I.D.s look nuts!

832. Business must be pretty bad

833. if we're supposed to let them in.

834. Where's the waitress when you need her?

835. Got to take advantage of this evening.

836. Oh, man, I'm excited.

837. You know, we wouldn't be here without you.

838. So thanks a lot, all right?

839. - Yeah. - Yeah.

840. Good evening, everybody.

841. Are you ready to rock?

842. Ready!

843. Yeah!

844. Always ready to rock!

845. Then put your hands together

846. for a little band we like to call...

847. Feedback!

848. I hope there's a lot of party people

849. out there tonight, 'cause we are gonna party!

850. Lines form on my face and hands

851. Lines form from the ups and downs

852. I'm in the middle, without any plans

853. I'm a boy and I'm a man

854. I'm 18

855. I just don't know what I want

856. 18, just don't know what I want

857. 18, I gotta get away

858. I gotta get out of this place

859. I go running in outer space

860. Whoa, yeah

861. Jeez, I wonder if we'll ever see her again.

862. Sure, we'll see her plenty.

863. Sitting at the popular table.

864. No way. She's cool.

865. We'll be friends with her for a long time.

866. I hope so.

867. Oh, that's my dad.

868. Better get going.

869. Thanks again.

870. You sure you don't want any money?

871. No, no, no, it's on us.

872. I had a really good time.

873. We should do it again.

874. Yeah, that would be great.

875. See you guys later.

876. Specials are good.

877. How are we not supposed to be in love with her?

878. We're an American band

879. Yoo-hoo

880. We're an American band

881. Woo-hoo

882. They're not bad.

883. All right! All right.

884. Hey, everybody!

885. I've got a great group of hard-working rockers

886. behind me right here,

887. and I'd like to introduce them all to you,

888. but, uh, first, we have some special guests

889. in the audience I'd like to introduce.

890. All the way from McKinley high school,

891. we've got the key members of another smokin' band

892. we like to call "Creation."

893. Daniel Desario, Ken Miller, Nick Andopolis, Kim Kelly,

894. and their manager, Miss Lindsay Weir.

895. Give 'em a big hand.

896. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, Sue, hold on.

897. I can't let you serve our guests plain old beer.

898. Why don't you bring them some of your finest pop,

899. on the house.

900. Oh, I got those underage drinkin' blues.

901. Glug, glug, glug.

902. Finest pop. Perfect.

903. Thanks.

904. I was just starting to like that guy, too.

905. The moment of truth.

906. Hey, Maureen. Want to eat with us today?

907. Oh, yeah. Just a minute, okay?

908. Hey, guys.

909. Um, hey, do you mind if I go over and sit

910. with those guys today?

911. No, no, not at all.

912. Do you want to come and sit with me?

913. Over there?

914. Yeah, I mean, you don't have to sit here forever

915. if you don't want to.

916. Yeah, but we like it here.

917. Yeah, go have fun with your friends.

918. We'll be here if you need us.

919. Okay.

920. Oh, wait, before you do...

921. Just remember, the jocks are only after one thing.

922. And be careful around Vicki.

923. She's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

924. And remember, don't believe everything they say

925. about people in the school.

926. 'Cause they don't always take the time

927. to get to know everyone.

928. Guys, I'm just sitting three tables over,

929. I'm not moving back to Florida.

930. Well, we know.

931. See you in biology class?

932. See you in biology class.

933. Excuse me, is this seat taken?

934. It is, by you, my good man.

935. Did you guy's happen to see "Three's Company" last night?

936. It was so funny.

937. What happened?

938. I don't really remember, there was a lot going on.

939. Oh.

940. Joyce Dewitt is really hot.

941. If I was Jack, I'd have a very hard time

942. choosing between the two lovely ladies on the show

943. because, you know, one's a brunette,

944. one's a blonde,

945. and, I mean, who can choose?