Fleabag 2x5

Directed by Harry Bradbeer

Olivia Colman as Godmother • Bill Paterson as Dad • Hugh Dennis as Bank Manager • Brett Gelman as Martin • David Hargreaves as Chatty Joe

Claire has a crisis and turns to Fleabag for help, whilst a familiar face makes a reappearance at the cafe. Hilary makes a friend, Martin demands answers, and Godmother and Dad’s wedding hangs in the balance.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I thought I wouldn't see you again unless you were in trouble.

2. Oh, I am in trouble.

3. Oh, you mean this kind of trouble?

4. Isn't he great?

5. He's so great.

6. He's funny, he makes jokes.

7. She turned around and it was the golden one.

8. You sort of needed to hear the top bit.

9. I love wordplay. - Oh, he's clever.

10. Shakespeare uses wordplay. - He says things like...

11. I've got a big case tomorrow. - He's little bit controlling...

12. Don't eat that. - But it's manageable.

13. I'm going to. - OK.

14. He's a feminist. - I have a sister.

15. He's unpredictable. - I'm just gonna go for a shit.

16. I'm ignoring that.

17. Actually...

18. You wanna go and have sex? - That's better.

19. I'm really good at it. - He won't be.

20. I'm really good at it. - He won't be.

21. He's really good at it.

22. Oh, my God...

23. I'm not gonna be sick.

24. I'm not gonna be sick.

25. Hi. - Hi.

26. Uh, do you need a hand with any of...?

27. No, no. - I can at least take the bassoon...

28. I am perfectly balanced, thank you.

29. Big night last night? - Is it obvious?

30. Well, at least someone's having fun.

31. - Wait, I can get the bell... - No, no. I've got it.

32. OK.

33. Are you going to be sick? - Nope.

34. She better be quick today.

35. I've got a serious appointment later. I can't miss it.

36. It's very important. - What kind of appointment?

37. A serious one. Can't miss it, OK?

38. Well, do you need me to... - I don't need you

39. to do anything, thank you.

40. Unless you can find a way

41. to stop this horrendous wedding from happening.

42. Girls! - Hi!

43. Come in, come in. Oh.

44. Oh, look.

45. Just leave these things there for now, yeah?

46. You like a quick cup of tea before you... - Oh, actually, yeah.

47. Um, I have to be pretty quick today. - It's already in a pot.

48. Some water, or some gin... - Come through.

49. We've got a tray of lovely, sweet chocolate-y things

50. and our lovely friend has just dropped round. - Hi.

51. Hello, darling.

52. Hello.

53. Uh, I'm gonna be sick.

54. You alright? You look horrendous.

55. Oh, thanks. Just a big night.

56. Hello.

57. Hey. I only meant to be quick, I wasn't... Didn't need to...

58. Wasn't expecting the whole family. Wow.

59. They're being painted. Isn't that fun? - Oh, so fun.

60. Um, I can come back later? - No, no.

61. No. No. - So, come on, fill us in.

62. Probably better actually that we should all hear the plans.

63. - Right. - Right.

64. Well, I just wanted to pop in actually to say that, um...

65. I've been called away this weekend and I'm afraid

66. I won't be able to officiate at the ceremony tomorrow.

67. Oh, Christ.

68. Why?

69. My brother is ill.

70. So I have to go and see him.

71. Well, what's he ill with?

72. A lorry.

73. Accident. - Right.

74. Oh, God.

75. Is he alright? - He's... he's...

76. he's in a bit of a state, to be honest.

77. But, uh...

78. I just can't do it.

79. Can't do it.

80. Well.

81. Well.

82. Oh, this is gonna be spectacular.

83. You...

84. poor man.

85. Well, of course you must go.

86. Really? - Uh, really?

87. Of course. Family first.

88. Always.

89. Family first.

90. You must go, get straight to him. Just send me through the details

91. of what you've worked out so far and we'll sort something out.

92. Oh, I've put out the feelers for somebody else and...

93. Well, uh, I think we might have to... - Don't even think about it.

94. This is much more important. You must go.

95. Go, go, go. - OK. Well, thank you so much

96. - for your understanding. - Oh, well, sure, sure, sure.

97. And all the best, and, uh, I'll see you again. I'm sorry.

98. - Oh, goodbye, darling. - Have a great day.

99. - Good luck. - Bye, bye.

100. What... a...

101. Cunt!

102. - What a cunt! - Look, don't, please...

103. Bastard! Fucking ba... Don't touch me!

104. Christ, I need to paint! I need to paint now! Send them away!

105. I...

106. I think you should, uh... - Yes. OK.

107. Bye, Dad. - Bye, Dad.

108. Well, that solves that problem.

109. Well, I'm relieved for him.

110. You alright? - Yeah, I'm just late for the café.

111. Right.

112. Oh, my God! - Oh! Sorry.

113. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

114. Jesus! How long were you there? - Literally, three seconds.

115. You can't just cancel a wedding. - I don't have a choice.

116. But you have the dress.

117. I ca... I can't.

118. I can't. I can't. - Listen, I just need to say...

119. No, no, I know what you're... I don't want to know.

120. I don't think you do know what I'm gonna say.

121. Please don't come to the church again.

122. I mean that...

123. with the greatest of compliments.

124. I'd strongly advise taking out the insurance.

125. Er, the problem is... - I can deal with it.

126. The, um, er, if you took a seven foot tall... - I can deal with it.

127. A very large armchair, so he couldn't... - Can't deal with it.

128. even feel the chinchilla, so, you know

129. suffocating underneath him. - Mm!

130. It's Tuesday, Joe.

131. No, it's Chatty Wednesday.

132. No, it's Quiet Tuesday. It's Chatty Wednesday.

133. Well, it was a very small chinchilla...

134. No, can we just stop chatting, just for a second please, Joe?

135. Joe, I...

136. Hi.

137. You OK? - Uh, yeah.

138. Are you OK? You look like something bad's happened.

139. Do I? I thought I was looking jolly.

140. Oh. Um, why?

141. I've been offered a new job.

142. Oh. Congratulations.

143. Well, I just wanted to say goodbye.

144. And to give you this.

145. Thanks.

146. It's a guinea pig. - It's a hamster.

147. Thanks.

148. Oh, sorry, it's my sister. She's a bit mental. Do you mind if I...?

149. Sure. I wasn't gonna stay, so...

150. - Claire? - Something's happened.

151. Something awful has happened.

152. What? - I can't...

153. Where are you? Do you need me to come? - I can't breathe.

154. No, no, I just... I fucked it up!

155. I fucked everything up! Can you come?

156. I mean, I have to close the café, but I can... Just tell me where you are.

157. No, no, don't close. I'm so sorry, but... but...

158. I-I can look after the place if you like. - Really?

159. Well, I don't start till Monday.

160. Wait, why...?

161. I just like it.

162. Well, OK...

163. Are you talking to me? - Could you give Hilary and, um...

164. No, don't bring Hilary. - Stephanie.

165. Stephanie, some cucumber at 2:30?

166. Who's Stephanie? - Great, thanks.

167. Um, Claire, just tell me where you are.

168. What the hell has happened? - No, just come! I need you to...

169. Tell the truth.

170. It's horrendous. - It's horrendous.

171. It's modern. - Don't lie!

172. I'm not! - I look like a pencil.

173. You...

174. you don't look like... - Don't laugh!

175. It's OK! - It's not OK! I'm gonna lose my job.

176. You won't lose your job. It's cool.

177. It's not cool! - It's edgy.

178. Oh, fuck off! - No, it's chic.

179. It's unsalvageable! - Claire, it's French.

180. Really? - Yes.

181. Have you been drinking?

182. Oh, he gave me champagne before he ruined my life.

183. That's how they get you.

184. Did you go to Anthony?

185. Claire. - I know.

186. What? You remember what happened to me?

187. I honestly thought it was the last time I was gonna see him.

188. Um, I mean, that's awful, but if I... - His little face was just...

189. Anthony!

190. Is this what you asked for? - No, of course not.

191. He's just a bastard.

192. Right, fuck it.

193. What? - Come on.

194. No, no! It's alright!

195. - Come on. - Oh... slow down!

196. Hey!

197. No. - Anthony.

198. No! That is exactly what she asked for.

199. No, it's not. We want compensation. - Claire?

200. I've got two important meetings and I look like a pencil.

201. No! Don't blame me for your bad choices.

202. Hair isn't everything.

203. Wow.

204. What?

205. Hair is everything.

206. We wish it wasn't

207. so we could actually think about something else occasionally

208. but it is.

209. It's the difference between a good day and a bad day.

210. We're meant to think that it's a symbol of power

211. that it's a symbol of fertility.

212. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills.

213. Hair is everything, Anthony!

214. Show her the reference.

215. Claudia, bring me the bin.

216. If you want to change your life, change your life.

217. It's not gonna happen in here.

218. Sorry, Anthony. - Sorry, Anthony.

219. Didn't mean for it to turn out like that. - I'll see you next week.

220. You got any cigarettes?

221. No. - Good.

222. Thank you for being there. - It was cathartic.

223. At the hospital. - Oh, it's OK.

224. Shame you didn't get to keep that doctor. - Mm...

225. I'm sorry you lost it.

226. I just felt...

227. relief.

228. I didn't want my husband's baby.

229. Isn't that awful?

230. I haven't even asked you how you are.

231. How are you? What's going on with you?

232. Um... I met someone.

233. What? Really? - Yeah.

234. Oh, my God. That's amazing.

235. What does he do?

236. He's a priest.

237. Is it...?

238. Yeah.

239. Oh, my God. - Yeah.

240. You are joking. - No.

241. I'm sorry. - I know.

242. It's just...

243. I'm sure it's very complicated. - Yes.

244. But it's just... - It's very painful.

245. You're a genius.

246. You're my fucking hero.

247. Claire?

248. Is that you? - Oh, God.

249. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

250. Claire! - Klare!

251. Hi. - Oh, my God!

252. Claire, I love your hair! - Oh!

253. Claire!

254. It's so cute and edgy and cool.

255. Oh, thank you. - Like superstar. Pop star.

256. Listen, these penguins are taking me to this new, amazing London music thing.

257. Are you free? - Oh.

258. Yes. - You wanna come?

259. Oh, I... I have to take my step-son his bassoon.

260. I mean, I wish I could.

261. Well, I leave tomorrow.

262. So... - Oh.

263. I'll take the bassoon. I've got it.

264. I'll take it.

265. Oh, um, no, he's expecting me to. - No, no.

266. No, just tell Jake it's with me at the café.

267. Honestly, it's fine. - Oh.

268. Hey, I don't want to get in the way of your family day.

269. No, I'll take it.

270. Please get in the way of her family days.

271. Just tell Jake I've got it.

272. No biggie.

273. Bye, Claire.

274. Bye, Klare.

275. Bye, Claire.

276. I can't believe your hair.

277. It's so chic and cute.

278. - It's all the things. - Really?

279. Goes so well with your top.

280. Oh, thank God. That's so sweet of you.

281. - Honestly, I've had such a day with it. - Yeah, oh, right?

282. Yeah.

283. Oh, fuck.

284. Sorry.

285. Well, that was exhausting.

286. The new guinea pig... - Hamster.

287. is in with Hilary.

288. They shared the cucumber, OK? Which was quite sweet.

289. Oh. Thanks.

290. Well, I'd say anytime but, uh... - You have a new job.

291. I will be back, though.

292. My wife would love Chatty Wednesdays.

293. Love them. - Oh.

294. Ahem. Oh, you have a visitor.

295. He said he knew you, so I let him wait in there.

296. Oh.

297. Oh.

298. Pleasure doing business with you.

299. Bye.

300. He took the pinny.

301. Ugh. - Hey!

302. He's gonna make a bassoon joke. - Is that a bassoon in your hand

303. or are you just pleased to see me?

304. Would you say that to your son?

305. When he has his bassoon, sure.

306. But...

307. He's never pleased to see me, so... - It doesn't even make sense.

308. Why would a bassoon in my hand... - Like a dick in your hand.

309. Oh, right, so if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand

310. you'd think I was horny? - Well, I'd assume that you had been.

311. Certainly wouldn't put it past you to chop a dick off.

312. Put the guinea pig down.

313. Where is she? - Why?

314. Well, she was meant to have dropped that off

315. and she's not at the office. - Well, I don't know where she is.

316. So you just... found that, huh?

317. Mm. Please don't hurt the guinea pig.

318. I would never hurt the guinea pig.

319. I wouldn't do that.

320. Here we go, sweetie. Go in here...

321. Oh, that's fucking adorable.

322. Are you sure we should even be talking?

323. Aren't you supposed to be getting me arrested or something?

324. Wow.

325. She really tells you everything, doesn't she?

326. Cute tables.

327. Oh, Jesus, Martin. - Fuck off!

328. You... are the problem, you know that?

329. You are the problem in my perfect, awful life.

330. I haven't seen you in a year.

331. And yet still, off she runs into the night, for you.

332. I can't even get the woman pregnant, and then you come in

333. showing off about your miscarriage.

334. Like, you didn't even want the one you had.

335. I was just trying to make her feel better!

336. Give me your phone.

337. No. - Give me your phone!

338. No.

339. Is she leaving me?

340. I hope so.

341. Don't let her leave me.

342. Don't let her leave me, please.

343. I hope she doesn't come home tonight.

344. Ah! Cashmere, cashmere, cashmere...

345. I will take you down, fucker.

346. Fuck you!

347. Fuck you! - Fuck you!

348. You better start sleeping with a lawyer!

349. I'm already sleeping with a lawyer! - Yeah? Lucky lawyer!

350. Shit.

351. I better call my lawyer.

352. You know that feeling when the Hot Misogynist

353. who might not be a misogynist is turning up at your house

354. for the second time in 48 hours to give you nine orgasms you don't want

355. just to do something to get your head out of the fact

356. that the only person you want to see in the world

357. is the priest that you...

358. So you pick yourself up, cover yourself in coconut oil

359. and hope he hasn't noticed that you haven't shaved your...

360. Hey.

361. Your sister gave me your address.

362. Are you on your way out?

363. Oh, no, I just... I just got in.

364. I've only got underwear under this coat.

365. OK, good. Can I come in?

366. Yeah. Sure.

367. It's nice. - Oh, thank you.

368. Uh...

369. Water? - No, thanks. I wanna keep a clear head.

370. Uh, I've changed my mind about the wedding.

371. I can't let them down like that.

372. And apparently no one else will wear the outfit.

373. Oh, that's good of you. - You gonna take off your coat?

374. Oh...

375. no, no, I'm good. I'm a bit chilly.

376. I've sacrificed a lot for this life.

377. You know? I've given a lot of things up.

378. Um, so, uh...

379. Do you want to get that?

380. Oh, no. I don't like opening the door to people I don't know.

381. I'm back!

382. Look, if-if... if there's someone

383. you need to see or-or let in, or...

384. No, honestly, honestly, it's fine.

385. When I was a child, I...

386. - Little lady! - I'm just...

387. I'll just be, um...

388. So, you're in trouble again, huh?

389. Oh, my God, listen. You can't come in. - OK, you wanna do it on the doorstep?

390. Uh, no, my priest is here, and he really needs some guidance.

391. What? Is he OK?

392. No, I'm hoping he's having an emotional crisis.

393. Shall I wait? You said you wanted to see me.

394. Yes, I did want to see you, but now I don't want to see you.

395. Did I do something wrong? You seemed to like what I did.

396. - I did. - I'm really good at it.

397. Yes, I know you are. Yeah.

398. I'm really good at it. - Yeah, I know you are.

399. I'm really... - OK, you're really good at it.

400. Well, clearly I'm not, if you don't want it. - Oh, for God's sake.

401. You're the best sex I've ever had. - What?

402. You're the best sex I've ever had. - Really?

403. Honestly, you... you made me come nine times.

404. Honestly?

405. Cool. Do you want me to go?

406. Yeah. OK.

407. I could take this somewhere else. - Oh, OK, good. Good for her.

408. Nine times.

409. You're a saint.

410. I'm sorry. - That's OK.

411. That was... - I won't ask.

412. Nine times? - I just had to get rid of him.

413. Sure.

414. I can't be physical with you.

415. What, we can't even wrestle?

416. No, priests have sex, you know. A lot of them actually do.

417. They don't burst into flames, I Googled it.

418. I can't have sex with you because I'll fall in love with you.

419. And if I fall in love with you

420. I won't burst into flames, but...

421. my life will be fucked.

422. We're gonna have sex.

423. I'm supposed to love one thing.

424. Oh, my God, we're gonna have sex. - For fuck's sake! Stop that!

425. I don't think you want to be told what to do at all.

426. I think you know exactly what you want to do.

427. If you really wanted to be told what to do, you'd be wearing one of these.

428. Women aren't actually allowed... - Oh, fuck off! I know!

429. We're gonna have sex, aren't we?

430. Yeah.

431. Yeah.

432. OK.

433. I... - Oh, whoa, OK.

434. Uh... - Listen, I had a...

435. No, no, no, no. Shh, shh, shh.