1. I opened a café with my friend Boo.
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2. Yeah, she's dead now.
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3. Thank you for coming in today...
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4. That kind of thing won't get you
very far here anymore.
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5. I suppose you should meet Hilary.
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6. She's beautiful!
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7. Mum died three years ago.
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8. Loo, doo, ooh, badoo!
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9. Alright, Dad?
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10. Dad's way of coping
with two motherless daughters
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11. was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures
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12. start fucking our Godmother
and eventually stop calling.
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13. Did you take the sculpture?
- What sculpture?
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14. Martin's being lovely.
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15. I am not drunk.
- Always drunk.
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16. Jake's her step-son, he's really weird.
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17. Probably clinically
but no one really talk about that.
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18. No!
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19. I go the Finland promotion.
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20. That's amazing!
- Thank you.
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21. People make mistakes.
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22. Your husband tried to kiss me
on your birthday.
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23. I've just got to say this once.
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24. He didn't try to kiss you.
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25. He says it was like more like
the other way around.
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26. You have to believe me!
- How can I believe you?
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27. Because I'm your sister.
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28. After what you did to Boo?
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29. I'm sorry.
- I think you should go.
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30. Can I do anything?
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31. No, thank you.
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32. They've gone.
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33. So...
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34. This is a love story.
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35. You know when you've done everything?
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36. When you've been all...
- Squat!
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37. Squat!
- Squat!
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38. And...
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39. You've even...
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40. Do you wanna have sex?
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41. No.
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42. Can I at least go down on you?
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43. No!
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44. You've done everything
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45. and you feel great.
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46. You're not even thinking about...
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47. You don't even think about...
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48. And even though your sister
still hates you...
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49. Thank you.
- You're pretending to be friends
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50. because your dad is...
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51. I'm joking, he's just there.
- Here's to love.
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52. And engaged.
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53. To love!
- To love.
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54. Ayyy!
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55. Eugh.
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56. Congratulations, you assholes.
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57. So, uh, it means a great deal to both of us
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58. that, uh you... that we...
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59. the family, are... are... uh...
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60. are all...
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61. together here for, uh...
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62. For a very special family...
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63. gang bang.
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64. It's just, you know, being here...
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65. You know, I know we've had our...
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66. Cos I-I...
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67. I have the feeling, um...
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68. in...
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69. here.
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70. Th-That... So, I just want to...
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71. say...
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72. Very much.
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73. And that's it.
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74. Oh, darling.
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75. Aww!
- Congratulations, Dad!
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76. Congratulations.
- Cheers.
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77. May these be the worst of our days.
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78. Don't know who this guy is.
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79. Happy for you, old boy.
Best decision a man can make.
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80. Ugh.
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81. You look well.
- Thank you.
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82. Right, wine, everyone?
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83. We'd love some wine, please.
- Oh, you'll adore it, I chose it.
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84. Not for us, thanks.
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85. Off the sauce!
- Six months and counting.
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86. Why would you do that?
- We just...
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87. Don't wanna miss a thing.
- Enjoy each other more this way.
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88. Haven't seen her since...
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89. Except for...
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90. Nice jumpsuit.
- Thank you.
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91. You look well, where've you been?
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92. Boots.
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93. It's lovely there this time of year.
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94. Oh, you look fantastic.
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95. Oh, well, you both look gorgeous!
- Oh, thank you.
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96. Is that fur?
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97. Yes, but it's OK because it had a stroke.
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98. Oh, lovely!
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99. I can't go to hell for that, can I, Father?
- No.
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100. Not as long as you confess.
- Oh, God, he's their priest.
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101. Then you've nothing
to fucking worry about!
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102. Their cool, sweary priest.
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103. Love the Catholics!
You can get away with anything.
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104. A lot of them did!
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105. It's an honour to be marrying you two.
Thank you.
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106. I didn't realise you were allowed out
without your little doggy thing.
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107. Oh, sorry, have I disappointed you?
- Of course not.
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108. Devastated.
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109. Can I get you another bottle?
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110. Needy waitress.
- Ah, no, it's alright.
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111. We've already ordered wine.
- Oh, no, really?
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112. I'll have another tequila.
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113. I'll have a tequila.
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114. Great, thank you so much.
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115. Can I get a glass of sparkling water
with a dash of lime, please?
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116. Oh, yes, I'll have the same.
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117. Dream team.
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118. You know, the most fascinating thing
about Father here
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119. is that his mother was originally a lesbi...
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120. - Is everyone OK?
- You do look tired.
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121. Oh, it's not as exhausting
as I thought it would be, actually.
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122. She's commuting from Finland.
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123. She has narrowed down her packing
to a ten-minute turnaround, it's...
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124. It's fabulous!
- It's all about...
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125. Rolling it up, rather than...
- Folding it.
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126. I read about that.
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127. Are you sure you don't want any wine?
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128. No, thank you.
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129. It really is delicious.
I admire you both so much.
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130. Well, it's really turned us around,
hasn't it, honey?
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131. Oh, so much more energy.
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132. You know, in Finland...
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133. Is there a reason that you're not drinking?
- He's an alcoholic.
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134. Oh, fun, my parents are alcoholics.
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135. Oh, great.
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136. We thought it'd be easier
if we did it together.
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137. And I don't really like the taste.
- And we are trying for a baby.
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138. Oh, Claire!
We thought you couldn't have them.
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139. What, why?
- Well, you just seem a little...
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140. Well, they say a lifestyle change can help,
so here we go.
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141. That is so exciting, darling.
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142. Oh, thanks, Dad.
- Good luck.
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143. That's wonderful.
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144. Something's up.
- And now you have the money
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145. to pay for proper help.
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146. Ghastly without help, I imagine.
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147. Tell us about Finland.
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148. Oh, well, it's, um...
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149. Cold and beautiful and dark.
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150. I think she might be happy.
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151. It's a lot of pressure but I love it.
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152. I have this amazing new partner out there,
he's really pushed the company forw...
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153. D'you know, I can't remember
the last time we went away.
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154. Weren't you both in Japan recently?
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155. Japan, wow.
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156. Oh, yes, but that was just
a little fortnight.
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157. - Don't ask her.
- Why were you in Japan?
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158. Well, the...
- I was... Oh, sorry, darling.
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159. Oh, no, no. No.
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160. Thank you. Erm...
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161. They flew us over with the Sexhibition.
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162. Yes, really made it...
- And... sorry, darling.
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163. Do you want to...?
- No, no, no.
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164. No? Oh. You see, you think of the Japanese
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165. as a very prudish people...
- Well, we're not to generalise.
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166. But actually they have a very deep
interest in sex in their culture.
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167. It's just hidden in the underbelly,
it's not allowed to come to the surface.
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168. - Fair enough.
- They really appreciate...
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169. The honesty of the Sexhibition,
whereas the...
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170. The Americans.
- The Americans...
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171. Well, they just took me in their stride.
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172. But the Japanese were deeply moved
by my work ethic
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173. weren't they, darling?
- Yeah.
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174. It caused quite a cultural wave.
- Ripple.
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175. Rip... w-wave.
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176. Wave.
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177. No one's asked me a question in 45 minutes.
- So what do you do?
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178. Er, I run a café.
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179. Oh, wow!
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180. It's going well, is it?
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181. Yes, it is. It really is.
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182. It actually is.
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183. It is.
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184. Can I get anyone any ice?
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185. Fellow smoker.
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186. Do you have a spare one?
- Sure.
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187. So, do your family get together much, or...?
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188. Fuck you, then.
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189. We should wait.
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190. OK.
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191. Mm.
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192. He's such a lovely man.
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193. Yes.
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194. Did you have a cigarette?
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195. Yeah.
- I just wish you could've seen him...
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196. Yeah, they can't even masturbate.
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197. - Shit alive, man.
- Oh, sorry.
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198. - No, no.
- Hey!
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199. We were just saying, it's fascinating,
the notion of a calling.
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200. Yeah, well, marriage is a calling too,
of course.
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201. Did you always want to join the priesthood?
- Oh, fuck, no.
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202. Sorry.
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203. No, no, no.
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204. I came quite late to it, actually,
but it's been a really good life to me.
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205. I've really found peace in it.
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206. Is anyone in your family in the Church?
- Actually, both my parents are lawyers
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207. and my brother
is a long-distance lorry driver.
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208. How unusual! Are your parents successful?
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209. They were very successful alcoholics, yeah.
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210. Better than you, anyway.
- Ha-ha!
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211. No, but beyond them
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212. my family's literally crawling with nuns,
so it wasn't too much of a leap.
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213. Must be hard on the balls.
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214. Martin!
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215. Not as hard on them as trying
to make a baby for five months, I imagine.
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216. - Food good?
- This sauce is disgusting.
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217. Is everything OK?
- Oh, it's delicious, thank you.
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218. - Thank you.
- Lovely, lovely.
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219. Um, darling?
- No, no.
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220. We'll just pour our own wine, please.
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221. Oh, I actually love doing...
- Thank you.
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222. You can pour me some.
- Oh, thank you.
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223. So, do you do a lot of older weddings?
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224. I don't think that's how we...
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225. No, this is my first ever wedding, actually.
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226. Oh!
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227. D'you know, I've always been so suspicious
of religion but I must say
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228. I think there's something rather chic
about having a real priest at a wedding.
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229. Are you a real priest?
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230. Yeah.
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231. D'you know, it's so nice spending time
getting to know the man
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232. who's going to marry us.
- Is that usual?
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233. No, but I'm new to the parish
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234. and I guess I'm just...
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235. I'm really fucking lonely!
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236. So...
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237. So I appreciate this.
Thank you very much.
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238. New to the parish?
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239. Father Patrick sadly died, so I got the gig.
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240. What did he die of?
- Just, um, time.
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241. Oh.
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242. But he was a dedicated man,
he was a brilliant priest.
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243. Sounds like a riot.
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244. He was, actually.
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245. Do you know how we met?
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246. No.
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247. Through Jake.
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248. Creepy step-son.
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249. - He plays the flute.
- The bassoon.
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250. In the church band. Just adorable!
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251. And Claire introduced us
and we just hit it off.
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252. Didn't we?
- We did, yeah.
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253. They did.
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254. She's donating a painting for the fete,
it's gonna cause quite the stir.
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255. Oh, it's just an old one, but...
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256. Now, listen, um,
we don't want gifts at the wedding.
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257. I mean, it's enough that people slog it over
without then expecting a gift.
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258. So we've decided to ask people
to make a small donation
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259. to a charity of their choosing, in our name.
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260. That sounds lovely.
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261. Do you want to know what gift
I'm giving your father?
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262. Oh, God.
- It's a portrait.
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263. Oh, God.
- Of you girls.
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264. Oh, God. Erm...
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265. Do you mean...?
- Together, or, erm...?
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266. I'd only need a couple of sittings.
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267. Right. Can't you use photos?
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268. No, because the lighting's
never good enough
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269. and if you're not very photogenic
then it does you no favours.
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270. And besides, the only photos there are
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271. of you two together
are of when you were children
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272. and you looked like a boy, so...
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273. You never told me you had a sister, Claire.
- Oh, well, we, um...
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274. We don't get to see each other much.
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275. Do you see your brother?
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276. Oh, I don't really speak to my brother.
- Oh, God, how desperately sad!
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277. Why is that?
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278. Oh, erm, well...
- You don't have to...
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279. No, no, it's OK.
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280. Does he not approve of what you do,
of your choices?
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281. No, it's not that, it's not that.
- Is he not in the Church?
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282. No, he's not in the Church.
- Oh, it must be so hard!
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283. Well, it's mainly hard...
- Is it cos he's Mummy's favourite?
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284. Because he's a paedophile.
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285. Oh.
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286. I'm aware of the irony of that.
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287. Just a... just a breath of air, eh?
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288. Interesting man.
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289. Mm.
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290. No, thanks.
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291. Darling, I, uh...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday
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292. so I just...
- Oh, that's OK.
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293. No, no. I just... In case you're struggling.
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294. Oh, Dad, the café's going well.
- No, no, this is not for work.
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295. It's just for you.
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296. Thanks.
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297. You look, er...
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298. strong.
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299. Thanks.
- Are you?
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300. Are we gonna have a fight?
- No, no! I'm sorry, no.
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301. I just want to check that that you're...
that you and I are...
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302. Well, you're being very...
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303. You're not being naughty.
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304. No!
- Why?
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305. Oh. Because, I guess...
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306. Yeah?
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307. It doesn't matter.
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308. Oh.
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309. OK.
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310. Is that right?
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311. I'm happy for you, Dad.
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312. Thank you.
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313. Ah! Thank you.
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314. You're an exceptional waitress.
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315. Apple juice?
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316. Yeah.
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317. I... I just wanted to say
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318. I am so intrigued to see how you're going to
make this whole evening about yourself.
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319. Oh, no.
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320. We probably shouldn't arrive
at the table together.
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321. A lot of people would say praying
is just talking to yourself in the dark.
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322. I guess it could look like that, but...
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323. No, it's more just about connecting
with yourself at the end of each day.
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324. It takes a bit of effort, but...
- Yes, yes, I completely agree.
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325. Positive energy takes work.
- Yes.
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326. In the last six months, I've excelled.
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327. I take all the negative emotions
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328. and just bottle them and bury them
and they never come out.
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329. I'm not sure...
- I've basically never been better.
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330. Us neither.
- I feel fantastic!
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331. - You're a very positive family, I must say.
- Oh, absolutely.
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332. I think it's all about positivity.
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333. It takes real commitment to be this happy.
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334. It's not just about
eating and drinking well, either.
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335. Putting pine nuts on your salad
doesn't make you a grown-up.
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336. Fucking does.
- It's about...
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337. Well, in Finland, we, um...
they have this saying
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338. which I can't quite remember now,
it's, um...
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339. It's about opening yourself up
to the people who want to love you.
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340. And she is wide open lately.
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341. What do you do?
- Oh, I work in finance.
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342. What?
- What?
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343. Across two firms,
one in Finland and one here.
Copy !req
344. No, no, she's a lawyer.
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345. I thought you were a lawyer?
- No.
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346. What?
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347. I work with lawyers, I'm not a lawyer.
Copy !req
348. Darling, you are a solicitor.
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349. I went to business school.
Copy !req
350. You're being so quiet!
Copy !req
351. Why aren't you saying anything?
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352. What do you want me to say?
- Anything!
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353. What's that in your hand?
Copy !req
354. She doesn't need to tell you.
- Birthday present from Dad.
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355. It's a good thing, Claire.
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356. Chunk of change?
Copy !req
357. No, it's, er...
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358. - What is it?
- Dunno.
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359. You don't need to...
- I love presents, I never get presents.
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360. Well, it's because you might...
- It's a voucher.
Copy !req
361. For a counselling session.
Copy !req
362. Thanks, Dad.
Copy !req
363. So thoughtful!
- I'd kill for one of those.
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364. I don't believe you can pay
your problems away
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365. I think you have to face who you are
and suffer the consequences.
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366. It's the only road to happiness.
Copy !req
367. Maybe happiness isn't in what you believe
but who you believe.
Copy !req
368. Fuck. Excuse me.
Copy !req
369. - Oh! Do you think she needs anything?
- No.
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370. That was meant to be a bedroom present.
Copy !req
371. A what?
Copy !req
372. A present that you open
in your bedroom, alone.
Copy !req
373. All my presents are bedroom presents,
aren't they?
Copy !req
374. Do you want some more wine?
Copy !req
375. Oh, yes.
- No.
Copy !req
376. Claire?
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377. You've been ages.
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378. Are you pissed off
or are you doing a poo?
Copy !req
379. Fuck.
Copy !req
380. Fuck it.
Copy !req
381. Claire, can we just...?
Copy !req
382. Have you got a sanitary towel?
Copy !req
383. Oh, no, but I know a waitress
who would jump on that request.
Copy !req
384. Do you want me to ask her?
- No!
Copy !req
385. OK, well, there are some
sturdy hand towels here.
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386. Could try and fashion something
with wings out of these.
Copy !req
387. Yes, fine.
Copy !req
388. Open the door.
Copy !req
389. The fuck! Just give it! Fuck!
Copy !req
390. Give it to me! Don't come in!
- It's a period! It's not gonna bite me!
Copy !req
391. Don't look at it!
- I'm not looking at your period!
Copy !req
392. Just take this...
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393. Oh, God.
- It's not a period
Copy !req
394. it's a fucking miscarriage, OK?
Copy !req
395. Jesus, Claire!
Copy !req
396. It's OK.
Copy !req
397. No, it's not OK,
you need to go to a hospital!
Copy !req
398. It's fine, I just need...
Copy !req
399. Let me just...
- No!
Copy !req
400. Just get your hands off my miscarriage!
Copy !req
401. It's mine.
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402. It's mine.
Copy !req
403. OK.
Copy !req
404. Claire.
Copy !req
405. It's OK.
Copy !req
406. It's OK.
Copy !req
407. OK, we need to go to a hospital now.
Copy !req
408. Now.
Copy !req
409. Yes.
Copy !req
410. OK.
- OK.
Copy !req
411. OK.
- OK.
Copy !req
412. Come on.
- It's...
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413. It's all good.
- OK.
Copy !req
414. Don't tell anyone.
- OK.
Copy !req
415. Let's get the coats, I'll get a taxi.
- I'll tell them I don't feel right.
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416. OK.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
417. OK.
Copy !req
418. I've never been there,
I get antiques from there all the time.
Copy !req
419. I still haven't gone.
- Oh, really?
Copy !req
420. I can understand, it's a wonderful
place to buy things like that...
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421. I don't like all the water, I'd love it if...
- Fuck it, I'm having some.
Copy !req
422. Sorry, darling.
- Oh, good girl! Have one night off.
Copy !req
423. Oh, wow! What did you say to her?
Copy !req
424. I, um...
- Oh, nothing. I just, er, just sit down.
Copy !req
425. Come on, it's a party.
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426. Can I have some?
Copy !req
427. Oh, someone's suddenly getting
into the party spirit now!
Copy !req
428. Sit down!
Copy !req
429. What did you take in there?
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430. Your sister is finally
a good influence on you.
Copy !req
431. No, we just suddenly realised
what a monumental fucking day this is!
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432. Drink.
Copy !req
433. Honestly, just leave them in there
two minutes
Copy !req
434. and they're suddenly being teenagers again.
Copy !req
435. Shall I get another bottle?
- Yes!
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436. OK!
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437. Where's the waitress?
- We were just talking about Venice
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438. and this wonderful trip we had.
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439. I mean, how many times have we said
we have to go to Venice?
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440. I've always wanted to go there.
Top of my list.
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441. It's great.
- Yeah, I know.
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442. Oh, for fuck's sake, stop it!
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443. Are you OK?
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444. Yeah, I'm, er...
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445. Er...
- Is, um... is it?
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446. No, I'm sorry, I just...
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447. Here we go.
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448. Sorry, I just...
- What's happened?
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449. Nothing's happened.
- What's happened?
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450. Something's happened.
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451. Come on! Come on.
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452. Well, spit it out.
- No secrets here.
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453. I just had a little... I just had...
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454. This is a safe space.
- I just...
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455. I had a little miscarriage.
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456. Oh, my God.
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457. What?
- Um...
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458. What the fuck?
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459. Er...
- How far gone were you?
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460. You should go to the hospital.
- Whose was it?
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461. Maybe leave that for later.
- Was it the tooth man?
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462. Hospital, now.
- What about the bill? Sit down.
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463. No, I'll cover her, I'll cover you.
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464. She doesn't want to go!
- Why?
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465. Cos I'm stubborn,
and for some inexplicable reason
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466. I'd rather stay here
and have a passive-aggressive party, so.
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467. How far gone were you?
- Oh, it was very early stages.
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468. You knew?
- I really think she should see a doctor.
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469. Yeah, so do I.
- I thought you hadn't spoken?
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470. She's fine. She's absolutely fine!
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471. Drink.
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472. If it's gone, it's gone!
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473. Claire...
- What if it's not gone?
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474. It's gone.
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475. - Darling, please...
- Probably ectopic.
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476. Awful.
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477. I'll pay you back.
- D'you need someone to go with you?
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478. No, I think I'll just deal with this
in my own insane, irrational
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479. anal way, if that's OK.
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480. That's probably for the best.
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481. What'd you say?
- Ignore him, he's been drinking.
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482. What?
- Just, you know...
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483. it's like a goldfish out the bowl,
sort of thing.
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484. If it didn't wanna be in there,
it didn't wanna be in there
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485. something wasn't right.
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486. What?
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487. It's the kid's choice
if it wants to jump ship, right?
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488. - No, Martin, just...
- Either way...
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489. she got her spotlight.
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490. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What the fuck?
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491. Fuck! Oh, fuck!
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492. Jeez... Jesus Chr...!
- Is there anything I can do?
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493. Fuck! Argh!
- Oh, for God's sake!
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494. Can I do anything?
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495. No, thank you.
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496. They've gone.
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497. So...
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498. Thank you.
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499. Fucking hell.
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500. Oh, hey.
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501. Uh, I got your stuff.
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502. You OK?
- Thanks.
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503. Yeah, you OK?
- Yeah, yeah.
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504. If you ever need someone to talk to,
or, you know, be there...
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505. I'm always there.
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506. Hey!
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507. Hey!
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508. Thank you.
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509. Just tell him where you live
and we'll talk about this tomorrow.
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510. Can you take us
to the nearest hospital, please?
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511. Yeah.
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512. The priest is quite hot.
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513. So hot.
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