Fleabag 1x4

Directed by Harry Bradbeer

Hugh Dennis as Bank Manager • Camilla Roholm as Receptionist • Jenny Galloway as Retreat Leader • Ben Bailey Smith as Workshop Leader • Adam Ewan as Nervous Man

Fleabag and her sister Claire reluctantly visit a female-only, silent retreat, courtesy of their father. Their enforced silence is interrupted, however, by an unusual neighbouring weekend workshop, explosive secrets coming to light, and a surprising connection with an old acquaintance.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. You cannot know this.

2. No one can hold a map in their head.

3. I can. It's three turnings away.

4. You're so gonna get this wrong.

5. - Stop it. - What?

6. I can feel you judging my driving.

7. I'm not judging your driving.

8. Let go of the handle then.

9. Oh, we were supposed to go down that turning.

10. - What? - Yeah.

11. - You said three turnings. - No, I missed one.

12. Just use your phone. You have a sat nav on your phone.

13. Oh, my God. There. Mindful— oh, God— Farm. There it is.

14. We're going the right way.

15. I was right.

16. I was right.

17. Do you know what the lesbian app for Grinder is called?

18. Twat Nav.

19. Don't make this fun.

20. It's okay. I'm fucking okay. I'm excellent.

21. I know I seem mental, but I'm fine.

22. Okay.

23. I just—

24. I just sometimes need— need you not to—

25. - To take the piss. - Don't finish my sentences.

26. - Take the piss— - Out of you and your—

27. You don't always know what I'm going to say, okay?

28. - Sorry. - Out of—

29. Out of her when she's driving.

30. Me while I'm driving.

31. I'm sorry.

32. Is it at— at home or...

33. work or Martin or—

34. I'm fine. It's fine.

35. Martin's being lovely.

36. Really?

37. It's fine.

38. I'm okay.

39. Fucking psycho.

40. Wow. Dad really splashed out this time.

41. He must be about to do something awful.

42. No, it's just Mother's Day.

43. Oh.

44. Happy Mother's Day.

45. We're not supposed to bond on this, are we?

46. 'Cause I really don't think that's gonna end well.

47. We're not supposed to talk at all.

48. It's a silent retreat, God help us.

49. How's everything at the cafe? You—

50. - You really don't have to. - Thank you.

51. Hi.

52. - Hi. - Good morning.

53. Hello, hello.

54. Come on.

55. They're probably gonna think we're a couple.

56. The fact that your mind even goes there

57. is beyond disturbing.

58. Hey. We'd make a really cute couple.

59. Sluts!

60. Yes?

61. We're gonna die here.

62. We're gonna be raped and die.

63. Every cloud.

64. Oh, just open the fucking door.

65. - It's been fucking forev—

66. Welcome.

67. - Thank you. - Thank you so much.

68. - Yeah. - It's really wonderful.

69. - Really beautiful grounds. - Extraordinary energy. Yeah.

70. I see you've been gifted this retreat.

71. How lucky you both are.

72. I hope after this weekend you'll feel...

73. rested, inspired.

74. Do you have Wifi?

75. No.

76. Um, would you like two single beds or a double?

77. - A double. Please. - Two singles.

78. Actually, do you have a separate room?

79. I'm afraid not. Everyone has to share here.

80. It's part of the communal—

81. Singles, then. Do you get newspapers in the morning?

82. No, we try to keep the outside world on the outside

83. during your stay here.

84. You'll appreciate it in the end.

85. I promise.

86. So, here is your key.

87. Thank you.

88. Hope you have a restful weekend.

89. You, too.

90. Wow. No papers.

91. You don't read the news.

92. Yes, I do.

93. What happened yesterday?

94. Sting wore white jeans and a puppy got stuck in a fan.

95. Big day.

96. What's that for?

97. My neck and chest.

98. What's that for?

99. My legs and knees.

100. What's that for?

101. Ends of my hair.

102. What's that?

103. For my under eyes. What's that?

104. That is for my face and body.

105. What would you do if someone stole all of those?

106. I'd kill myself.

107. Why are there no plug sockets in here?

108. Don't touch my stuff.

109. What are these for?

110. Nothing.

111. Mm-hm.

112. What?

113. Oh, it's just—

114. Why would you bring such tiny batteries?

115. I'm just prepared.

116. Just I've only ever...

117. seen them used for remote controls.

118. - Yes, well— - Or alarm clocks.

119. - Yes, all right. - And vibrators.

120. Yes. All right.

121. You didn't have to ask for a separate room.

122. What?

123. If you want to have a wank, I can give you some space.

124. Oh, my God.

125. No, just if you want to take 10 minutes,

126. I'll just go into the bathroom,

127. and moisturize my wrists for a bit.

128. You are so immature.

129. Oh, give it a minute.

130. Oh, God! Seriously.

131. What is wrong with your insides?

132. Why did you bring the tiny batteries?

133. A-ha.

134. You're a genius.

135. Always know where the reserves are.

136. Let go of your past.

137. Bit on the nose.

138. Now is the time to let it go.

139. Open up your senses,

140. close your mouth,

141. and live now.

142. Welcome to the female only Breath of Silence retreat,

143. Women Don't Speak.

144. Um, sorry.

145. I think I'm meant to be at, um—

146. - Man: Fucking sluts! - That one.

147. Shame.

148. Yes, the, uh, first major consideration is

149. why are you here?

150. Can anyone here answer that question?

151. I want to shut the noise out,

152. and reconnect to my inner thoughts

153. on the road to feeling more at one with myself.

154. Excellent attitude.

155. Well, you're in the right place.

156. Now, this weekend is about being mindful.

157. It's about leaving your voice in your head,

158. and trapping your thoughts in your skull.

159. Think of it as a...

160. thought prison in your mind.

161. Firstly, we're going to teach you how to breathe.

162. Then we will have a short meditation.

163. Then we will find our sanctuary

164. in the partaking of menial tasks

165. all in perfect silence.

166. Principal rules are no talking.

167. If you need to communicate with any of our other superiors,

168. you can write on that board.

169. Under no other circumstances must you communicate,

170. even with each other.

171. Oh, what if there's an emergency?

172. Thank you all for coming here today.

173. No matter what happens,

174. a word must not be heard.

175. Shh.

176. Slag!

177. Slag!

178. Bitch! Fucking bitch!

179. Fucking bitch. Fucking piece of shit.

180. Back here!

181. Back here, back here! Back to me! Back to me!

182. All right, now, wherever it's come from,

183. your— your upbringing, your— your experiences with women,

184. now is the time to turn that around,

185. to reprogram your mind,

186. your body, and your mouth.

187. To be the better man.

188. All right?

189. So, this is Patricia.

190. Yeah? She's a friend.

191. Now, Patricia has just earned a promotion at work,

192. beating over six other candidates.

193. She's the youngest person to ever achieve this role.

194. What should we not say when we meet her?

195. Man 1: Clever little munchkin?

196. Excellent.

197. Man 2: Who'd you blow to get that job?

198. - Okay. - Slut.

199. You fucking, stupid slut!

200. Okay. Okay.

201. What should we say to her?

202. Hm?

203. Well done, Patricia.

204. Very good.

205. Well done, Patricia.

206. Please leave.

207. Perv.

208. Slut.

209. Wow!

210. - Well done. - Well done.

211. Well done, Patricia.

212. Slut!

213. Guys. It's okay.

214. Keith, can you, please?

215. Oh, my God, um, excuse me, miss.

216. - You can't be here. - Okay.

217. You really can't be here.

218. It's for your own good.

219. Please.

220. And now hands up.

221. Mirror your palms.

222. Look each other in the eye,

223. and... touch.

224. Literally her worst nightmare.

225. Ugh.

226. Are you all right?

227. Talk to me.

228. It's nothing.

229. God. I can't feel my feet.

230. Do you remember we used to go top to toe?

231. Ah, kids are so weird.

232. We used to do that all the time.

233. Yeah, when we were ten and cute.

234. Now we're 30 and angry.

235. I'm not suggesting that we—

236. Just don't, okay?

237. Stop stealing my things.

238. I'm just checking it's working.

239. Oh, it's working, it's definitely working.

240. - Shh.

241. Have fun.

242. It's actually a really thoughtful present. Thank you.

243. And Martin getting me that sculpture.

244. He must have bent over backwards

245. to get something like that.

246. I feel very lucky.

247. I have to tell you something.

248. What?

249. I stole that sculpture.

250. From a certain somebody's studio,

251. and then I tried to sell it through Martin,

252. and Martin took it and gave it to you.

253. Just don't put it pride of place when Dad—

254. Well, when they come over.

255. Okay? Because—

256. Right.

257. Claire.

258. Claire.

259. Shh!

260. Go to sleep.

261. Shit.

262. The sooner we get up—

263. Ahh!

264. The sooner we get on with it,

265. the sooner we are out of it.

266. That's a really nice outfit.

267. Thanks.

268. Delve into your past.

269. Think of something you can't let go of.

270. A moment of noise.

271. A moment of tension.

272. Not for now.

273. Now, a moment when you were peaceful.

274. If you could change anything in the whole world,

275. what would it be?

276. My thighs.

277. In the whole world.

278. Oh, don't tell anyone I said that.

279. You?

280. I've always been insecure about my face.

281. You know that.

282. I know. You shouldn't.

283. Nah, thank you, but—

284. No, seriously, there's nothing wrong with your nose.

285. I mean, there's nothing wrong—

286. - Say that again. - I mean, there's nothing—

287. - What? - I don't know.

288. - Ahh— - Oh, my God.

289. I always say the wrong thing.

290. Ahh! Hahh!

291. Hot.

292. What is this?

293. I don't even do this in my own home.

294. Oh, it's very simple.

295. We've paid them to let us clean their house in silence.

296. Jesus.

297. I don't want to come down on you like a school teacher,

298. but I'm afraid your flagrant lack of respect

299. for the one rule that we have here

300. is now affecting the other students—

301. Uh, clients.

302. - Inmates. - Cleaners.

303. Participants.

304. Do you have a problem with the program?

305. I suggest you try sitting here in silence

306. for the next hour.

307. It will benefit you.

308. I swear by my soul, it will.

309. I went through your bag.

310. - What? - I couldn't find anything,

311. so you're just gonna have to tell me what's going on with you.

312. Talk.

313. Or I will scream.

314. I got the Finland promotion.

315. What Finland promotion?

316. - How can you ask that? - Oh, my God.

317. - I've told you about it. - I know, I know, the Finland promotion.

318. - That's amazing. - Thank you.

319. Will that mean you're a millionaire now?

320. Handy.

321. Don't be ridiculous.

322. Yes, it would.

323. What, money makes you cry?

324. I'm turning it down.

325. What?

326. Why?

327. Martin.

328. Martin says it would be unfair on Jake.

329. Jake's her stepson. He's really weird.

330. Probably clinically, but no one really talks about that.

331. He freaks out if she's gone for longer than a day,

332. and he's got this thing about

333. trying to get in the bath with her.

334. No. No. No, Jake. No!

335. He's fifteen.

336. He's not your son.

337. That's not the point.

338. - Go. - I knew you'd say that.

339. This is what you've always wanted.

340. I know.

341. No more power suits. Fuck load of snow.

342. I know.

343. Perfect place for your cold, cold heart.

344. I know. I can't. I have responsibilities.

345. Oh, come on.

346. Don't let other people get in the way

347. of what you really want.

348. Finland is what you really want.

349. My husband isn't "other people," okay?

350. My husband is my life.

351. Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

352. Did he?

353. Did he?

354. Sluts!

355. Sluts!

356. Slut!

357. Sluts!

358. Go.

359. Sluts!

360. Lovely. Lovely.

361. Okay.

362. Up on your feet.

363. We're gonna say, "Sorry, Patricia."

364. Sorry, Patricia.

365. Lovely. Give yourselves a round of applause.

366. All right, guys, well done.

367. We're gonna head back to that house

368. better men.

369. Yeah? Well done.

370. Good work. Great stuff.

371. That's good.

372. Go on.

373. You can do it.

374. You're ready.

375. You know, I...

376. thought I recognized you.

377. Fair enough.

378. Fair enough. Probably for the best.

379. Probably for the best.

380. So, is your business...

381. surviving?

382. I'm sorry.

383. Oh, I don't want that.

384. So, you're doing the whole...

385. silent escape thing?

386. Indeed.

387. Going well?

388. I touched a colleague's breast.

389. More than once.

390. At a party, I—

391. They asked me to go on a workshop to—

392. I'm just a very...

393. disappointing man.

394. No, thanks, I'm trying to quit.

395. Those, on the other hand—

396. They keep asking me, "What do you want from this workshop?"

397. "What do you want?"

398. I'm not telling them what I want.

399. I want to move back home.

400. I want to hug my wife.

401. Protect my children, protect my daughter.

402. I want to move on.

403. I want to apologize.

404. To... everyone.

405. I want to go to the theater.

406. I want to take clean cups out of the dishwasher,

407. and put them in the cupboard at home.

408. And the next morning,

409. I want to watch my wife drink from them.

410. And I want to make her feel good.

411. I want to make her orgasm again.

412. And again.

413. Truly.

414. I just want to cry.

415. All the time.

416. Claire.

417. Have you seen my sister?

418. Hi, this is Boo.

419. I can't come to the phone right now,

420. but please leave me a "messiagio,"

421. so I'll get back to you.

422. Someone should probably disconnect that.